


Constants

by rach0726



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bottom Bucky Barnes, Bottom Steve Rogers, Bucky drops fbombs and swears like a sailor, Bucky/Nat isn't explicit just mentioned briefly, Canon-Typical Violence, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, Established Relationship, I have panic attacks myself used my experiences for writing, M/M, Nightmares, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Past Bucky Barnes/Natasha Romanov, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, do not read if you think it may trigger, graphic depictions of panic attacks, mentions of self harm, mentions of sexual assault. Nothing graphic, non graphic description of rape/non con, please i beg of you don't read if it will, post winter soldier, there be some sexy times, they switch
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-01
Updated: 2016-05-27
Packaged: 2018-02-03 00:28:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 63
Words: 190,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1724495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rach0726/pseuds/rach0726
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even when Steve had nothing he had Bucky</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work in the Marvel fandom. I don't have a beta yet. (Anyone willing to volunteer let me know). It's rated M for later chapters. I'm a little nervous. I wanted to have it posted somewhere for Chaya's birthday yesterday though, so some of you may have seen it on Tumblr.

The men surrounding him actually think he’s going to fight them.  They actually think he has any fight left in him.  He’d laugh if he weren’t so broken.  Moments later, as he hears Rumlow ordering the goon behind him to lower his gun; because they can’t have Captain America’s blood on their hands.  Not on live television anyway.  He tries to process.  He can’t.  Bucky’s alive.  Bucky doesn’t know him.  These thoughts keep reverberating through his mind as he’s hauled into the van. 

 

Sam is trying to keep Nat alive.  And he should be more concerned.  He is concerned.  But again his mind keeps drifting to Bucky.  Bucky on that table in Zola’s lab.  Bucky falling.  Bucky asking him who the hell he was.  He can hear Sam talking to him.  Hears himself tell Sam and Nat that even when he had nothing he had Bucky.

 

Bucky, who was so much more than just a best friend.  Bucky was more than a brother even.  He doesn’t know, even after seventy plus years, how to put into words what Bucky meant to him… no that’s not right, he can’t put into words what Bucky **_means_** to him.  It’s always been that way.  Bucky was his world.  Oh sure there were dames on Bucky’s part and Steve had Peggy.  But he always knew when it came down to it, at the end of the day… no the end of the line, it was going to be Steve and Bucky against the world.  Whether it be the Nazi’s or old age.  Back then he’d always thought they’d be together forever. 

 

Before he can really process it all, he’s standing in front of Nick Fury.  Nick Fury who used tricks to keep himself alive.  Nick Fury who he suddenly wants to punch in his smug face.  Nick swears he’s had no knowledge of Bucky being alive.  Steve doesn’t believe him for a second.  He keeps that to himself and instead does what he does best... lead.  The plan is solid.  Before they head out Sam tries to warn him.  Warn him about Bucky of all things.  Like Steve needs to be warned about Bucky. 

 

Steve is standing in front of Bucky and all he can think is _I can’t fail him like I did on that train._ So he starts begging.  He isn’t getting through to him.  Bucky’s got Steve on the ropes when it suddenly comes to him.  He knows exactly what to say.  He knows it works because Steve can see it on Bucky’s face.  Then Steve is plunging into the water.  Then he’s waking up next to Sam in the hospital.

 

Sam tells him, as he leaves the hospital, that they have no idea how he got onto the shore of the Potomac.  Steve knows though.  It was Bucky.  Bucky who’s always had his back.  Bucky, who has always been saving Steve from bullies.  Even apparently when he himself has become the bully.  Steve knows what he has to do.  With the file Nat’s given him he has a start.  He tries to tell Sam he doesn’t have to come along.  Sam is insistent.  He supposes the company will be nice.

 

It’s the night before they’re going to leave when there’s a familiar knock on Steve’s door. He and Sam have been strategizing.  He tries to temper the hope with being realistic even as he opens the door to Bucky standing there.  They stare at each other.  Sam moves around them and leaves, not before telling Steve to watch his back.  Steve nods slightly.  He’s too focused on the pain in Bucky’s eyes.  Steve steps aside.  Bucky doesn’t move.

 

“Come on, Buck.”  Steve says moving again so Bucky can come in.

 

“I… the man in the museum.  Is that really me?  He knew you.  I knew you.  On the bridge.  I knew you.”  Bucky takes a tentative step forward.  Then it’s as if he thinks better of it he takes another step back as he speaks.

 

“Yeah.  Yeah, he’s you.”  Steve says stepping aside.  Opening the door just a fraction wider.

 

“I only remember flashes.  You’re bigger than you are in my head.  I don’t like it.”  Steve chuckles and Bucky glares at him.

 

“I’m not laughing at you.  Not really.  You…. I saved you right after I’d gotten the serum.  I saved you.  You told me you thought I was smaller.  You didn’t seem to like it then either.”  Steve watches Bucky’s face carefully.  He isn’t sure but he thinks he sees just a hint of a smile.

 

Bucky steps inside and Steve tries to quell the hope and happiness that are threatening to burst out of him.  They don’t say anything for a while.  Bucky looks around the apartment.  He goes to the window and stands.  When he finally speaks Steve is struck by how lost he sounds.

 

“I remember promising you I’d… what you said on the helicarrier.  I promised you that. I broke that promise.  I shouldn’t have.”

 

“Oh, Buck.  It’s okay.”

 

“No it’s not!  I put you in the hospital.  I nearly killed you.”  Steve goes and stand next to him by the window.  He knows he has to tread carefully here.

 

“They brainwashed you.  They made you forget me.” _Forget us_ is what he doesn’t say out loud.

 

“I…  I keep seeing us together.  Were we ever apart?”  Bucky asks turning to face him.

 

“Sure.  Not often though.  We were best friends since we were kids.  I’ve known you all my life.”  Again he doesn’t fully complete his thought.  This time though it’s because he’s not sure how to process it.  So he keeps his true feelings to himself.

 

“I…”  Bucky runs a hand through his hair.  He turns and faces Steve.  Steve does the same.  He has to keep curling his hands into fists to stop himself from taking Bucky’s hand in his.

 

“I….  St….”  Bucky shakes his head, trying to clear it.  He takes a few deep breaths.  When he speaks this time his voice breaks and with it another piece of Steve’s heart.

 

“I remember fighting it.  Fighting them.  Then Zola… he told me…. He told me you were dead.  I stopped fighting them.  I… I let them…. Oh God.”  Steve doesn’t hesitate this time.  He takes Bucky in his arms and just holds him.

 

“They brainwashed you.  They tortured you.  None of what you did was your fault.”

 

“I let them.  I stopped fighting.”  He says pounding on Steve’s chest.  Steve just holds tighter.

 

“They wore you down, Buck.  They knew exactly what to say to get what they wanted.  It’s not your fault.”  Steve keeps repeating it like a mantra.  For a bit Bucky shakes his head violently and hits Steve in the chest, but then he stops and relaxes in Steve’s arms.  Soon he’s clutching to Steve for dear life.

 

“Come on, let’s go sit on the couch.”

“Don’t..  Steve…”  Bucky clings tighter.

 

“I won’t let go I promise.”  Steve maneuvers them to the couch and lets Bucky curl up on him.  It reminds Steve of the night after he rescued him from Zola the first time.

 

They lay curled around each other on the couch in silence for what seems like hours but Steve knows in actuality is only a few moments.  He runs his hands through Bucky’s hair trying to calm him.  Bucky arches into the touch letting out pained whines every now and then.  He occasionally hits Steve’s chest, though he notes it’s always with his flesh hand.  Steve wishes he knew how to help him.   Bucky clings even tighter to him now and then.  Steve thinks Bucky’s fallen asleep when suddenly he speaks.

 

“I remember a flying car.  Can cars really fly?”  Steve just laughs.  He tries to control it and can’t.  Bucky looks up and glares again.  Steve tries, in vain, to get it under control.

 

“Sorry.  Again, not laughing at you.  Promise.  We went to the Stark expo right before you shipped out.  Howard had a flying car he was trying to demonstrate.  You were fascinated by it.  Said you were going to talk him into giving you one after the war.  I told you, you were crazy.”

 

“You… tried to enlist again.  I was mad at you.  I didn’t like being mad at you.  I hated fighting with you.  I remember that.” 

 

“We didn’t fight often.  And then we weren’t….”

“We were.  You were trying… damnit….” 

 

“Ssh.  It’ll come back.”  Steve says.  He’s not sure which one of them he’s trying to convince.  Steve watches Bucky’s face contort.  It’s almost as if he’s fighting against whatever it is he’s remembering now.

 

“I…” Bucky jumps up and is on the other end of the couch suddenly.  Steve stays where he is.  He shifts to sit up but otherwise stays relaxed.

 

“Bucky?”

 

“I have… I need…. I’ve got to go.”  Bucky gets up and runs for the door.  He turns and looks at Steve another second then opens the door and closes it.

 

Steve doesn’t know what to do.  He calls Sam five or six times but hangs up before he can answer.  He calls the number Natasha left him and does the same thing.   He calls Bruce, but hangs up as soon as it rings.  He finds himself wishing he could call Phil Coulson.  Phil, he thinks would understand.  Or at the very least would let him ramble.  He paces the apartment.  He goes for a run.  When he gets back his door is ajar. 

 

 

Steve slowly opens the door and takes a tentative step inside.  He finds Bucky standing in front of the window looking out over the city.  He smiles and lets out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.  Bucky turns when he hears Steve close the door.  They stare at each other for a few minutes.

 

“We… I…. I remember….”  Bucky is across the room in seconds.  Steve tries to get into a defensive stance but Bucky moves too fast.  Then before Steve can even realize what’s happening Bucky is kissing him.  Steve kisses back, smiling into the kiss. 

 

They’d only just admitted what they wanted the night of the expo.  Bucky had gotten so pissed at Steve.  One second they were yelling at each other, the next they were kissing like it was the air they breathed. They’d made love that night too.  (Steve refused to think of it any other way.)   Once they were sated Bucky had explained why he didn’t want Steve enlisting.  He didn’t want to lose him.  He wasn’t going to be able to protect Steve.

 

“Sorry.”  Bucky says, pulling away to rest his forehead on Steve’s.

 

“Don’t be.  Don’t ever be sorry for that.”

 

“I ambushed you.”  Bucky says kissing him softly.

 

“I don’t mind.”

 

“Sorry I left.  It’s coming back in pieces but it comes back so fast sometimes I get freaked out.  It happened after the museum.  It’s why I laid low for a few days.  Everything was coming back all at once. But it’s not linear. It’s just you, and how I feel about you.  I should stay away, because I still have horrible nightmares.  I’ve done horrible things.   But I couldn’t stay away anymore.  I just… the look on your face… can you forgive me ever?”

 

“Oh, Buck.  There’s nothing to forgive.  It wasn’t you.  And when it was you… you saved me.  I know it was you.”

 

“I hurt you.  I don’t mean physically.  I hurt you in here.”  Bucky says tapping a finger over Steve’s heart.

 

“I could see it on your face when I asked you who the hell I was.  I…” Steve kisses him then, he can’t stand seeing the pain all over Bucky’s face.

 

“It’s all right.”

 

“Stop saying that!  It’s not.  I hurt you.  I nearly killed you.  For all you know I could be playing you right now to gain your trust just so I can kill you in your sleep.  **_Damnit_** Steve quit being so naïve.”

 

Steve’s taken aback by the outburst.  On the one hand it’s unexpected and on the other it’s just so _Bucky_ it hurts.  He takes a deep breath before speaking.  He needs a second to gather his thoughts.  He doesn’t want to piss Bucky off so much that he pushes him away.

 

“You think I haven’t considered this could all be part of a bigger plan on someone’s part?  I have.  But I know you.  You’re the strongest person I know.  And I know now that…. I…”  Steve moves away from Bucky and turns his back to him.  This is harder than he thought it would be.

 

“Steve.”  Bucky says quietly as he wraps his arms around him from behind.

 

“I’m not being naïve.  I just don’t care.  I don’t care if it’s some plan to capture me.  I’ll let them.  If it means I get you back.  If it means I can save you.”  Bucky turns him around and kisses him again.

 

“Punk.”  Bucky says, because really what else can he say.

 

“Jerk.”  Steve says smiling.

 

They stay like that for a few minutes.  Then Bucky kisses him again, softly.  He rests their foreheads together and gives Steve little kisses every now and then.  Bucky then steers them over to the couch.  He stretches out and pulls Steve down so he’s lying on top of him.  He kisses the top of Steve’s head.

 

“I…. This is all happening really fast.  I just want to make sure you know what you’re getting into.  And Steve you can’t save me from myself.  Though I know you’re going to try.  You always have.”

 

“What do you mean?”  Steve asks.

 

“I’ve done horrible things.  And you can tell me till I’m blue in the face it wasn’t me.  But it was. I was the one pulling the trigger.  I was the one blowing things up.  All the missions they sent me on I remember.  There’s no getting around that.  But I want believe you when you say I would have fought it.  I want believe you when you say my giving up wasn’t my fault.  I want believe you when you say I would have kept fighting the programing had they not told me you were dead.”

 

“You would have.  You pulled me out of the river.  You had no idea who I was and yet you pulled me out of the river.”

 

“I knew who you were.  I’d had a flash of a memory.  I knew you meant something to me.  Even if I didn’t know what.”  Bucky says shifting slightly.

 

“You want to run don’t you?”  Steve says knowing what’s going through Bucky’s head.

 

“I… I don’t…. I don’t… Like I said it comes in flashes.  I’m… I can’t explain it.”

 

“I won’t keep you here.  You can go if you want.”

 

“Steve…”  Bucky trails off not sure what to say.  He tries again but Steve just starts arguing his point and Bucky can’t disagree.

 

“What?  They kept you locked up for over seventy years.  I try to keep you here how am I any better than them?  I won’t do it.  You want to run, then run.”  Steve says, interrupting Bucky, he’s trying to keep the emotion out of his voice but guesses he fails given the kiss Bucky gives him.

 

“I’ll come back.  I swear.  I just… it’s too much too fast.  I’m sorry.”  Steve lets him up and Bucky goes to the door.  He turns and crooks his finger.  Steve has to smile.

 

“What, punk?”

 

“Nothing.  Well… it’s something but you’ll remember it soon enough.”

 

“Oh.  C’mere.”  Bucky kisses him and it’s like they’re the air the other breathes again.

 

“Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone.”

 

“How can I…”  Steve fights to finish it and then watches as Bucky remembers what it is he’s done.  He smiles small at Steve and then closes the door.  Steve sinks back against the couch and calls Clint.  He needs Natasha more than he needs Sam right now.

 

“Sorry, Cap I have no idea where she is.  She’s not in any of our usual places.  Anything I can do?”

 

“No, thanks though Clint.”

 

“No problem.  I hear from her I’ll have her get in touch with you.”

 

Steve goes through the motions the rest of the day.  Sam calls to see how things are going.  He gives Steve shit for letting Bucky leave.  He just lets Sam rage at him.  He doesn’t flinch when Sam hangs up on him.  He lets his voice mail pick up the call from Maria.  He’s sure Sam called her.  He knows none of them understand what he’s done.  None of them understand that he trusts Bucky to keep his word. 

 

The days pass slowly.  Steve doesn’t sleep much.  He knows it’s not a good idea to run himself ragged but if he closes his eyes he sees Bucky walking out the door and everything becomes too much. He tries not to think Bucky won’t come back.  Some times are easier than others. He goes to see Peggy every day.  She’s been having really good days lately.  She of course picks up on the fact something is wrong.  He keeps mum.  She just reminds him she’s willing to listen.

 

He stops by to see her on Saturday and her nurse tells him she’s been quite the popular girl.  She has another visitor.  Wears a glove over one of his hands and a heavy coat despite the heat.  He smiles and goes down the hall.  Bucky is sitting holding Peggy’s hand and talking with her.  Peggy has a horrified expression on her face.    He watches from the door way not wanting to interrupt.  If Peggy knows he’s there she doesn’t indicate it.  He’s about to leave when he hears his name.  Bucky is telling Peggy about the helicarrier.  She pats his hand and squeezes it.

 

“Steve knows it’s not your fault.”

 

“But it is, Peggy, I did it to him.”

 

“No, James the Winter Soldier did it to him.  You dived in after him.  You saved him.”

 

“Peg, darlin’ we’re the same man.”  Steve smiles at that.  He’s not even sure Bucky’s realized what he’s said.

 

“Do you remember…? He saved you shortly after the serum.  Zola had captured you and your men.  Steve saved them all.  You told him what kept you fighting Zola was that you’d promised not to do anything stupid till he got to the war.  You think Zola didn’t know that too.  He did.  I’m not making excuses.  I’m not saying your actions while you were the Winter Soldier should be excused.  I’m simply saying that had you been in your right mind none of it would have happened.  Isn’t that right, Steve?”

 

“Yeah.  Sorry.  I’ll come back later.  I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

 

“It’s fine.  I should go.  Christ, Steve you look like hell.”

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“Yeah right.  Peggy, get all bossy like you used to and give him orders or something.  I’ll come by again tomorrow.”

 

“You better.  And James, just think about what I said all right?”

 

“Yes Ma’am.”  Bucky says giving her a little salute.  He nods to Steve and then he’s gone.

 

“Not yet, Steve.  You can’t go after him yet.  He’s not ready.  Now come sit with me.”  Steve turns back away from the door and faces her.

 

They talk for a few hours.  She finally admits she always knew how they felt about each other.  Though she was pretty sure neither of them knew it.  She’s surprised to learn they’d actually figured it out.  Steve has to admit being able to talk about Bucky with someone else helps.  She makes him promise to come back again the next day as well.  He promises he will.  He’s about to leave when she stops him.

 

“Oh Steve, just ask me.”  She says angrily.  Steve can’t figure out what he’s done to bring this on.  He wonders if she’s fighting to stay lucid.

 

“Excuse me?”  He asks going back over to hold her hand.

 

“I call him James because he says you’re the only one allowed to call him Bucky now.”  She says exasperatedly.  It makes Steve smile.  It’s just like it used to be when he was driving her a little crazy.

 

“Oh.  Okay.”  Steve is still a little dumbfounded when he leaves.  He gets on his bike and heads back to his place.  He finds Sam waiting for him.

 

“We need to talk.”  Steve nods and lets him in.

 

“He’s been at my support group every day this week.  He waits till they leave before he says anything to me.  I don’t know what to do for him.  I just sit there listening to him and damn if I don’t want to just hug him and let him cry it out.   I am not a hugger Steve. I tried to find Natasha or Fury, they’re both off grid.”

 

“I know.  I… he won’t come to me.  I don’t want to force it.  It’s good though, right that he’s working through what he’s remembering?”

 

“Good idea.  He’s probably gonna be pissed I’m here.  I just… the hell they put him through is out of my league.  You’re the one with the Superhero friends.  Yeah it’s good.  But Steve there are things he’s done I don’t know if he’s going to get past them.  And he hasn’t remembered Stark yet.  But I do think your friends might know how to help him better than I can.”

 

“I’ll ask around.  Sam, thanks.”

 

“Don’t thank me yet.  Let’s wait to see if he comes back.”  Sam leaves.

 

Steve putters around his apartment for the rest of the day.  He forces himself to go grab something to eat.  He finally gets up the nerve to call Stark.  He’s not really looking forward to the conversation but knows he can’t put it off forever.  Tony demands he come to New York.  He wants to have the conversation face to face.  He sweetens the deal by saying he’ll “convince Banner to come along for the ride.”  Steve agrees.  He calls Sam and tells him.  He calls Peggy’s nurse and she lets him talk to Peggy for a bit.  Peggy, bless her, offers to let Bucky know what’s going on.

 

He goes to New York and it’s not just Bruce that greets him once he gets off the elevator but Clint and Natasha as well. Thor isn’t around.  No one knows where he is.  Steve, were he not so preoccupied would be concerned.  Right now though he’s a bit too focused on Bucky for it to make any kind of impact.   Nat pulls him into a room and demands to know what’s going on.  He tells her all of it.  Even the things he wasn’t ready to acknowledge earlier.  She just gapes at him.  Then she hugs him and tells him it’ll be okay.  She offers to come back if he needs help.  She says she might be able to help Bucky deal with what they made him do.  She also threatens to kill him if he lets on what just happened.  He promises to keep it between them.  Pepper arrives just as they’re about to sit down.  She lets Tony know she needs to see him later about a company thing.  She gives them all quick hugs then makes herself scarce.  They all wait patiently for Steve to start.

 

He tells them everything.  Natasha fills in some of the details he either doesn’t know or can’t bring himself to.  Tony takes the news about Howard and Maria better than Steve expected.  He tries to stress through it all that Bucky wasn’t given a choice.  He gives them all as much detail as he can about what they found.  Nat, once again, fills in the parts he can’t.  He and Natasha tell them about Fury.  That gets to Clint until Nat informs them all he’s alive.  That he’s just gone off the grid to handle the HYDRA situation.  Tony just hmmms. 

 

“I know that hmmm.  What’s going on?”  Natasha asks.

 

“I wasn’t sure what to do with the information.  I had JARVIS go through so many checks on it he got annoyed.  Pepper doesn’t even know.  If I’m wrong, it’s just going to upset everyone.  Maria is being evasive on the subject.  I can’t find concrete proof.”

 

“Tony, just spit it out.”  Bruce says aggravated.

 

“Easy there big guy.  Coulson’s still alive.  And I don’t think it’s because Loki’s little trick didn’t work.  I think Fury did something.  Just don’t ask me what.  What worries me is the fact that it was most-likely HYDRA science that gave him the ability to do it.  But like I said, Maria won’t reveal squat.”

 

“I’ll check it out.”  Nat says.

 

“You’re not staying?”  Steve asks.  She smiles at him softly.

 

“I can’t.  I took a big enough risk just coming here.  Stop.  I’m a big girl.  I’ll be fine.  Besides, Clint’s going to come with me this time.  I won’t be more than a phone call away like always.”

 

“I am?”

 

“You are.  We leave tomorrow morning.”

 

“All right.  I’ll keep her out of trouble.”  Clint says, trying to reassure Steve.

 

“Yeah right.”  Bruce says.  Steve smiles, it’s exactly what he’s thinking.

 

They break for the night around three.  Steve stays up pacing the living room.  Jarvis tries to put on soothing music to calm him.  It doesn’t work.  Pepper comes out half an hour later and makes him join her for a late night snack.  He dutifully sits on the stool in the kitchen.  She chuckles then ruffles his hair.

 

“They have no idea.  Well, Natasha might, but she won’t tell.  I only guessed because… well… I’m me.”

 

“Ma’am?”

 

“It’s Pepper, Steve, we’ve been over this.  You’re in love with him.  Bucky I mean.  And you’re worried he’s not going to come back to you.  It’s why you can’t sleep.  So let me let you in on a little secret.  Now keep in mind I know nothing about him except what’s in the museum and what little I gathered from asking JARVIS if you were all right.  But I get the sense it’s a lot like Tony and I.  I’m Tony’s anchor.  I keep him grounded.  What I mean is when things get too crazy, Tony knows he can come to me and I’ll just let him be.  I get the sense it’s like that for him with you.  You keep things from getting to crazy in his head.  He just needs to remember that.  But the fact that he sought you out tells me that even with the things they did to him somewhere he does.  Sorry, it’s three thirty I’ve not had coffee yet.  I’m not making much sense.”

 

“Actually, you are.  Thanks.”  Steve says going around the island and giving her a slight hug. 

 

“Anytime.  You know that right?”

 

“Of course.”  Steve says goodnight to her and she heads back to bed.

 

Steve goes to his own room.  Sleep doesn’t come for another hour or so.  He wakes a few hours later to JARVIS telling him there’s someone to see him.  He immediately grabs his shield.  Then he heads into the living room.  He’s sure it’s quite the picture.  Captain America, shield on his back, with sleep mussed hair.  There’s a woman waiting for him.  She’s young.  Much too young he thinks to be anyone he’d know from SHIELD.  Yet he somehow can tell that’s who she’s representing.  He offers her coffee.  But otherwise his guard is still up.

 

“Thank you for seeing me Captain Rogers.  I wasn’t sure you would.”

 

“What is this about, Ma’am?”

 

“The Winter… excuse me… Sergeant Barnes.”  That gets Steve’s attention.

 

“What about him?”  Steve asks as calmly as he can.

 

“We believe he may be in danger.  HYDRA hasn’t been stopped yet.  They know he’s gone off the grid.  They’re looking for him.  Our intel suggests it’s only a matter of time before they discover he’s still in Washington.”

 

“And ‘we’ are?”

 

“That’s classified.”

 

“Then tell your boss, whoever that may be, I’m through being SHEILD’s lapdog.  I either get full clearance or you can….”

 

“Or you can fuck off.  Now get the hell out of my tower.”  Tony says coming into the room.

 

“Mr. Stark, this doesn’t concern you.”

 

“It concerns Steve Rogers, it concerns me.  We’re a package deal.  Now unless you want me to go wake the big guy I suggest you do as I’ve already asked nicely.”

 

The young woman gets up.  She hands Steve a business card before leaving.  It’s standard SHIELD issue.  It’s the name on the card that makes him pause.  **_Phil Coulson._**  


	2. Chapter Two

“Looks like we’ve got our answer on the Coulson thing.  You all right, old man?”  Tony asks with a whistle and shake of his head

 

“No.  I… I need to get back to Washington.  I need… he needs to be...”

 

“Breathe, Steve.”

 

“Tony.  I can’t… he can’t… they’ll…”

 

“Breathe.  JARVIS find me Barnes ** _.  Now_**.”

 

“Of course sir.”

 

“You can do that?  Even though he’s in Washington?”

 

“Who said he’s in Washington.”

 

“Sir, Sergeant Barnes is at the Starbucks around the block with Mr. Wilson.”

 

“Looks like someone’s got a phone call to make.”  Tony said leaving the room.

 

Steve stares at his phone for what feels like eternity before dialing Sam’s number.  Sam picks up on the second ring.  They talk for a minute.  The silence stretches for a bit when Steve tells him to come to the Tower; but Sam agrees to.  Bucky is another story.  But Sam gets him to come by telling him Steve will have his back.  Steve hangs up and starts to pace again.  Nat comes in to say goodbye.  He wants to ask her to stay but can’t bring himself to be that selfish.  He can protect Bucky on his own.  If it means he has to find every single HYDRA base alone then he’ll do it.  There’s no way in hell he’s letting anyone take Bucky from him again.

 

“Was that Natasha I saw leaving?”  Sam asks in way of greeting when he and Bucky step off the elevator.

 

“Yeah.  She has an early flight.  I couldn’t bring myself to ask her to stay.  Tony says I should have considering.”

 

“Considering what?  You weren’t exactly all that forthcoming on the details over the phone.”

 

“HYDRA want Bucky back.”  Steve says as if he’s telling Sam the weather.

 

“Oh gee is that all.  You got a plan?”  Sam asks.  Steve notices Bucky clenching his fists. 

 

“Hey, it’s gonna be okay.  I’m not going to let them get to you.” Steve says going over to him. 

 

“This isn’t like when we were kids and you were going after bullies with trash can lids, Steve.  This is HYDRA.  They’re used to getting what they want.”  Bucky snarls.  Steve can tell he wants to hit something.  Even after all this time Bucky still has tells.

 

“JARVIS.  Is there anything in here breakable Tony isn’t going to care about?”

 

“All of it, Captain Rogers.  Though if Sergeant Barnes doesn’t want to feel the wrath of Miss Potts may I suggest the vase over by the window.  That was one of Mr. Stark’s brilliant ideas.  Miss Potts hates it.”

 

“Okay what the hell?”   Sam asks.  Bucky just shakes his head and takes it in stride much to Steve’s amazement.  It must show on his face, if Bucky’s next comment is any indication.

 

“What, the kid is related to Howard ‘I designed a flying car’ Stark, you really expect me to be surprised?”  Bucky says as he punches the vase breaking it.  Behind him there’s a squeak.

 

“Oh, Miss Potts, I wasn’t aware you were still here.  Sorry for the mess, Ma’am.”  Steve says bashfully, as if he’s been caught doing something he shouldn’t.

 

 

“Oh no it’s fine.  It’s actually more than fine.  What exactly did JARVIS tell you?  Because if he left out the fact that one of Tony’s ‘girls’ gave it to Tony as a thank you… he really shouldn’t have.  So thank you Sergeant Barnes.  Thank you very much for breaking that.  Now is anyone hungry?   I’m sure I can throw something together for breakfast.  Anything you’d like.  What?”  Pepper asks at the look on Bucky’s face.

 

“Nothing.”  Bucky says looking away.  Steve is about to go to him when Pepper steps in.  She takes his hand gently and pulls him slightly towards the kitchen.  She’s smiling softly at him the whole time.  Steve notes the care she’s taking with him and smiles. 

 

“Oh dear.  Come with me, Sergeant.  You and I need to have a little chat if you’re going to be staying here.”

 

“You can call me James if you like Ma’am.”

 

“Pepper.  It’s very nice to meet you James.  Now, can you work on that one over there?  I have to keep reminding him to call me Pepper.”

 

“Well, Stevie always did have better manners than I do.”  Bucky says giving her a wink.  Steve watches amazed as it dissolves her into a fit of giggles.  Some things never change apparently.  Sam puts a hand on Steve’s arm to get him to hang back for a second.

 

“What?”  Steve asks trying to keep his voice even.  He doesn’t want Tony catching Bucky off guard or worse.

 

“Do you have a plan?”

 

“Other than protect him at all costs, no.  It’s why he got angry.  He knows that’s my big grand plan.  He knows I see a bully all I think is protect the person being bullied even if it means I get my ass kicked.  Which means he has to come in on his white horse to save my ass.  Which this time he can’t do.”  Steve says with a sigh.

 

“Then we don’t make a move unless they do.  We think this through.  Now there’s something else we need to talk about.  You aware you’re the only one he’s allowing to call him Bucky?”

 

“Peggy said.  Speaking of I need to call her.  Tell her Bucky’s here.”

 

“She knows.  She told him to get his head out of his ass and come see you.  He asked me to come along because there were things he wanted to talk to me about.  Things he didn’t feel comfortable sharing with her.  Things I really wish he hadn’t shared with me, only because I am not a hugger.”

 

“So you keep saying.  But the fact he asked you to come has to be good right?”

 

“Yeah, it’s progress.  We’ve still got a long way to go.”

 

“Boys, breakfast.”  Pepper calls from the kitchen.

 

Steve and Sam walk into the kitchen to find Tony examining Bucky’s arm while Bruce is telling him to leave the ‘poor man alone’.  It takes Pepper scolding for him to do just that.  Steve notices Bucky move off to the side and goes to join him.

 

“You okay?”

 

“Too many people.  Space is too small.”  Bucky says taking a few deep breaths.  It isn’t lost on Steve that his speech patterns gone back to clipped sentences.  He rubs Bucky’s back soothingly.  It isn’t working. 

 

“Why don’t we go into the living room?”  Pepper says smiling at Bucky.  Steve wasn’t even aware Bucky had said it loud enough for anyone but him to hear.

 

“Thanks.”  He says giving her a small smile causing Pepper to smile widely back at him.

 

“Barnes. I know you were quite the ladies’ man back in the day, but that one’s off limits.”  Tony says jokingly.  Bucky just rolls his eyes.

 

“Oh I don’t know.  Something tells me Barnes would treat her better than you do.”  Bruce says.  Tony just glares at him.

 

“Too bad I’m head over heels for Stevie over there.”  Bucky says causing Steve to choke on his coffee.  Tony just looks at Bucky impressed.    Sam barks out a laugh.

 

The conversation flows easy.  Bucky goes and sits on the floor by Steve.  At one point he rests his head on Steve’s knee.  Sam makes fake gagging noises.  Tony tells them to get a room.  Bucky takes it all in stride. Steve tries not to get uncomfortable.  This is more than he could have asked for considering everything. The mood is light until Pepper asks Steve who their early morning guest was.  Before he can respond Tony is.

 

“I should tell you not to go there.  I really should.  But well, you’re going to be pissed at me if you find out from someone else, so I’m just going to tell you.  Our guest this morning came to tell Steve Bucky-boy over there might be in danger from HYDRA.  They want him back.  Then she gave us this.”  Tony says passing her the card.

 

“But… but… Tony what the hell is this?”

 

“There have been whispers in certain circles Coulson may…. Look I don’t know how but there are rumors Phil’s not dead.  That Fury did something to bring him back.  Which probably means he’s used HYDRA science to do it.  Maria’s not telling me a thing.  And with Fury off the grid I have no one to ask.  I didn’t want to say anything till I had proof.  I know you and he were friends.  I didn’t want to get your hopes up.”

 

“But he might be able to protect James?”  She asks calmer than Steve would have expected her to be.

 

“Our visitor seemed to think so.  And given Phil’s man crush on Captain America, even given Barnes’s past, I’m inclined to agree.”

 

“And we can…. Look I can just…  I can go on the run.  They’re not going to find me unless I want them too.  I don’t want to cause trouble.  It’s probably a better option.”  Bucky says.  Steve excuses himself and goes out onto the balcony.  He hears them all start going at Bucky.  He’s not surprised it’s Pepper who gets through the mayhem.

 

“James, you’re not going on the run.  That’s a horrible idea.  Steve would worry himself to death.  And you don’t want that now do you?”

 

“Of course not, Ma’am.  Look can we go somewhere to talk?”

 

“Sure, come on I’ll take you to my office.  JARVIS, this stays between James and me.”

 

“Of course Miss Potts.”  Tony waits all of three seconds after the elevator door closes before he‘s demanding to listen in.

 

“No.”  Steve says coming back inside.  He’s not going to invade Bucky’s privacy like that.

 

“Steve, he just had a panic attack in the kitchen.  He’s not exactly stable.  And let’s remember I’m the one saying this.”  Bruce says.

 

“No.  We’re not listening.  Bucky will tell me when he’s ready.”

 

“Steve…”  Sam tries.  Steve just gives him a look.

 

“Captain Rogers.”

 

“Yes JARVIS?”

 

“Sergeant Barnes is on his way back up.  He’s requested a private meeting with you.  I’ve directed him to one of the apartments on the floor below us.”

 

“Thank you, JARVIS.”

 

Steve goes into the apartment and finds Bucky pacing like a caged animal.  It breaks his heart a little.  Bucky goes to him and kisses him.  Then melts into him.  Steve just holds him.  He’s beginning to understand what Sam’s been saying about wanting to hug Bucky with everything he’s been through.  Bucky pulls back to look Steve in the eye and then kisses him softly before resting their foreheads together.

 

“Talk to me Buck.  Please.”

 

“I get that you’re Captain America.  And I get that you’re not that scrawny kid anymore.  I get that you can protect yourself.  But I look at you I still see that kid.  I think I’m always going to.  Steve, they’re not your fight.  They’re mine.  I can’t… I can’t ask you to go against them for me.”

 

“What about I’m with you till the end of the line don’t you get?  And they’re not just your fight.  They’re Nazi scientists they’re everything Captain America is supposed to fight against.  Is it more personal this time than it was in the war?  Yes.  But this is not a fight I’m going to shy away from.  I am not going to let you do this on your own.”  Steve stops himself before he says the one thing he’s afraid will make Bucky bolt.

 

“God I love you.”  Bucky says kissing him before he can respond.  Bucky kisses him swallowing his surprise.  When Bucky finally pulls away Steve just stares at him.

 

“What?  Oh… wait I never told you….  We never…?”  Bucky’s face falls slightly.  Steve wants to put the smile back on his face.  He’s just not sure how.  He knows he loves Bucky with everything he is, but he’s not so sure Bucky’s there yet.

 

“Bucky…”  Before he can even form anymore of a response Bucky is brushing past him and out the door. 

 

Steve is about to go after him when he thinks better of it.  He heads back up to the main living area only to find Bucky in conference with Sam and Pepper.  Tony just gives him a look he can’t decipher.  Bruce shakes his head and walks away. 

 

“Want to help me out here, Tony.  I’m not a mind reader.”

 

“He told you he loves you and all you can do is say his name in a way, and I quote, ‘that made him think you think he’s the biggest dope on the planet.’  Steve he’s beyond fragile right now emotionally.”

 

“I… he caught me off guard.  I wasn’t sure if it was a ‘god I love you’ like people say to you when you do something cool in the suit or a ‘god I’m in love with you’.  I didn’t know what to say.  And then he remembered we hadn’t said it to each other.  I just don’t know what to do.  I don’t want to screw him up any more than he already is.  And everything is happening so fast I’m afraid I’m doing just that.”

 

“Christ this is over my head.  Go talk to Banner would you?”  Tony says storming off.

 

Steve finds Bruce down in the lab.  To his chagrin Tony is there as well.  Tony just glances up and makes a motion for Steve to start talking. So he does.  He explains it all to Bruce.  And Bruce just shakes his head and smacks Tony upside his before walking away.  He’s almost out the door of the lab when he turns back and motions for Steve to follow him.  Steve does and he finds himself in another one of the apartments.  Steve realizes quickly Bruce must be staying here quite often given the way it has a lived in feel.

 

“I am not a psychiatrist despite what Tony thinks.  I am more screwed up than Barnes is when it comes to relationships given certain things.  But you want my advice, talk to him.  Explain to him how you feel.  Explain to him what’s going on in your head.”

 

“And if he runs away again?”

 

“He’ll come back.  Look Steve I get it I do.  You don’t want to push him.  But I get it from his side too.  He needs to know you’re going to stick around no matter how crazy he is.” 

 

“Pepper says he knows.”

 

“Knowing it and believing it, especially for him is two completely different things.”

 

“Thanks Bruce.”

 

“Yeah, yeah.  Wait, just a second, let me ask you something.  When you two were younger which one of you… well… who… look I know he’s got a rep with the ladies… so…”

 

“I think I was in love with him from the minute I met him.   Just didn’t realize it till he was about to be shipped out.  I’d like to think it was the same for him.  But who knows.  He never was really open about his feelings.  Mostly because I think he was afraid he’d get his ass kicked or thrown in jail or worse.  We never said anything.  Once I got to the front there was never a good time.  But I thought after the night I saved him from Zola he knew.  I mean him telling me he wasn’t going to leave an exploding warehouse without me told me everything I needed to know.”

 

“Ok.  My advice stands then.  Talk to him.  But not here.  Not where Tony can listen in.  Because you and I both know he will.”’ 

 

Bruce heads back to the lab and Steve goes to find Bucky.  He finds him in the main living room talking to Sam.  He backs out of the room to give them privacy and backs right into Pepper.  She thankfully keeps quiet and drags him off to the kitchen.  They make small talk while she fixes herself some coffee.

 

“Did you want any?”

 

“No, thank you Ma’am.”

 

“Steve, really.  I’ve given you permission and everything.”  She says with a smile.  To Steve it looks like she’s resisting the urge to ruffle his hair again.

 

“Sorry.  Look can I ask you something, and you don’t have to tell me if it’s going to betray Bucky’s confidences.  But I’m worried about him.  I don’t want to push him away.  I don’t want him to feel like I expect things to be like they were before.  I’m just…”

 

“Steve, what is it?”  Pepper asks gently.

 

“Nothing.  Never mind.  I’m not going to stick my nose in.  If he wants….”  Steve stops when he feels Bucky wrap his arms around him.

 

“You’re awfully adorable when you ramble.  Anyone ever bother to tell you that?”

 

“Once a long time ago, there was this jerk who did.  But just once.  And he was really drunk.”

 

“Come for a walk with me.”  Bucky says into Steve’s neck before dropping a kiss on his shoulder.

 

“All right.”  Steve says smiling

 

“You boys have fun.  But keep the PDA to a minimum.  He’s still Captain America.”

 

“Yes Ma’am.”  Bucky says grinning as he gives Pepper a salute.  It dissolves her into another fit of giggles.

 

They end up walking as far as the subway then hop on and head to Brooklyn.  Steve keeps quiet.  This is Bucky’s idea he’s just along for the ride.  They get off close to the old neighborhood.  Bucky comments he’s not really thrilled with what they’ve done to the place.  But he’s happy to see the park they used to spend Sundays in when the weather was warm enough is still there and untouched.  Bucky leads them to secluded spot then plops down and lays on his back soaking up the sun.  Steve sits down next to him for all of two seconds before Bucky is pulling Steve so he’s resting with his head on his shoulder.  It’s not lost on Steve it’s his flesh shoulder.  That’s yet another thing they have to talk about.

 

“You know when I woke up and found out the Dodgers had moved to Los Angeles I got really mad.  Had no idea why.  Just remember being angry.  I asked them about it.  Didn’t end well.  They used to send me on jobs here.  I remember seeing the bridge and feeling a sense of home.  Told them that too.  That didn’t end well either.  So you want to explain to me why, if I could remember Brooklyn, I couldn’t remember the… the love of my life.”  Steve doesn’t say anything for a bit, just squeezes Bucky.  When he does finally respond he’s so quiet he’s not sure Bucky hears him.

 

“You’re mine too ya know.  It’s why I crashed the plane.  I wanted…. I didn’t want to be here if you weren’t.  I’m sorry I didn’t say it right away earlier.  I just was surprised.  I mean I knew it.  But I wasn’t… you don’t have to put up a front with me.  You don’t have to pretend you remember things about us if you don’t.  I can… I just want whatever I can have with you.”

 

“God we’re saps.  C’mere.”  Bucky says shifting so he’s sitting up.  He checks around, finds no one around and kisses Steve.

 

“Come on.  I wanna go ride the Cyclone.  Think you can handle it this time.  Not throw up?”  Steve just throws his head back and laughs.  He ignores the nagging in the back of his mind.

 

They go to Coney Island.  They ride the Cyclone five times together.  Bucky rides it a sixth.  Steve tries not to laugh when Bucky says they can’t go for a seventh because if they do he’ll puke. They go on the Wonder Wheel and Bucky decides to throw caution to the wind when they get to the top.  He kisses Steve quick.  It’s not a real kiss, more like a lip smack, but it makes him laugh nonetheless.  They go on the carousel and Bucky insists they give up their horses when a little girl and her friend can’t find any.  He smiles when another little girl begs her mother to let her get on a horse with Steve.  Steve of course begs off and they head off to find their next adventure.   They eat cotton candy and Bucky insists on winning Pepper a stuffed animal as a thank you.  Then they head for the tower.  The nagging feeling doesn’t go away.  If anything it gets stronger as the day goes on.  He thinks he’s covered it up enough.  He should know better.  Bucky knows him better than anyone.

 

“All right, I let it go while we were out, but what the hell is going on in that head of yours?”  Bucky asks once they’re in the elevator. 

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“Damnit Steve don’t lie to me.  I know something’s bugging you.  Just tell me what it is.”

 

“It’s nothing.  Don’t worry about it.”

 

“Fine.”  Bucky says angrily he gets Jarvis to let him off on the same floor the apartment they were in earlier is on.  Steve goes to follow and Bucky gives him a look.

 

“When you’re ready to tell me what’s eating you come find me.  Otherwise fuck off.” 

 

Steve goes to find Sam, only to have JARVIS tell him Sam is out with some old Army buddies.  He asks if Pepper is busy.  She’s in a meeting.  Tony is out testing improvements he’s made to the suit.  Bruce isn’t around either.  He slumps into a chair.

 

“JARVIS, get me Agent Coulson please.”

 

The phone is answered by the same woman from earlier in the day.  He demands to talk to Coulson.  She tries to play dumb for ten minutes.  He puts on the Captain voice.  The one Tony calls his “disappointed dad” voice.  She’s replaced by someone else.  Steve can tell this woman is someone who’s been around the SHIELD block.  The voice doesn’t work on her.  He plays the one card he knows will get Coulson to the phone.

 

“Ma’am tell Agent Coulson I have his trading cards signed.  I’m more than willing to deliver them myself if he’d be willing to meet with me.  Say in an hour.  He can pick the location.”

 

“I’m sending the coordinates now Captain Rogers.  Come alone.”  She then hangs up.  He has to chuckle.  Does she have any idea who she’s dealing with?

 

“JARVIS, how quickly can you find me a set of those trading cards?”  Steve asks.

 

“Gift shop in the lobby of the hotel three blocks down, Captain.  Though Agent Coulson will know they’re reissues.  However, I can get another set of the originals here within the week.”

 

“Please.”  Steve races out.  He gets to the location with seconds to spare.  He’s not surprised to find it’s a plane.

 

The hangar doors open and he’s greeted by the woman from that morning.  She smiles and shows him to the interrogation room.  Then she shuts the door.  He notes she locks it as well.  Phil’s not going to like that.  He sits and waits.  Makes note of the cameras.  Smiles and waves.  He resists the urge to stick his tongue out.  That’s much more Bucky’s speed than his own.

 

The door opens and he finds himself face to face with Melinda May.  Well that explains why she wasn’t in Washington during the whole mess.  She doesn’t smile.  He puts his game face on.  She sits down across from him and crosses her arms in front of her.

 

“All right Captain, what do you want?”

 

“I talk to Coulson or no one.  And please don’t play dumb Ma’am.  It wouldn’t suit you.”

 

“You stuck him in here.  Are you crazy, woman?  Oh my God.  Coulson’s going to have your head.  Captain Rogers, please accept my apologies.  Jemma Simmons.  Please follow me.  Don’t.”  She says turning to Melinda.

 

He follows Jemma to an office.  It’s much cozier than he would have expected.  But then he figures Fury probably spared no expense.  She tells him to take a seat and that Phil should be along momentarily. 

 

“Thank you ma’am.”

 

“Of course.  And may I just say this is a real honor.”  Steve just smiles at her.  He’s alone in the office for all of a minute before Phil comes in.

 

“It really is you.  When Melinda told me she’d talked to you I didn’t believe it.  No one’s supposed to know I’m alive.  Wait, let me guess, Stark.”

 

“We weren’t sure until….”

 

“Skye gave you the card.  But Tony suspected, didn’t he.”

 

“He did.  Look, I kept my word.  They’re not your original cards.  Fury destroyed those.  And they aren’t even an original set, though Jarvis says he can get me a set with in the week.  But I didn’t want to come empty handed.”

 

“Knew I forgot to give Nick hell about something.  Look, seeing as how you’re technically still on the payroll, you should know Nick made me Director.  Wants me to rebuild SHIELD.  I’d like you and the Avengers to be on… well… I’d like to know I have your support.”

 

“Let me think it over.  Talk with everyone.”

 

“Of course.  I assume you’re here about… what is he calling himself these days?”

 

“James.  Unless it’s me.”

 

“Damnit.  There’s twenty bucks I’ve lost.”  Phil says with a laugh at Steve’s expression.

 

“Come on let’s go meet the gang.  Then we’ll talk.”

 

Steve’s impressed with the team Phil’s assembled.  He finds the news about Ward a bit distressing but then figures it really isn’t all that surprising.  Melinda glares at him a little.  He wonders if it’s because of what happened to SHEILD or because of Bucky.  Either way he chooses not to care.  He smiles when Phil hands Tripp a twenty.  Tripp pockets it with an excited “told you so.”  Melinda shakes her head glaring even more if that was possible.

 

“All right, here’s what we know.  According to Ward, Garrett didn’t care about the Winter Soldier until Pierce was killed.  And even then it was momentary.  But with Garrett’s death we’ve been hearing rumblings that there’s someone else pulling the strings.  They want the Winter Soldier back no matter what the cost.”  Melinda says methodically as if she’s giving a report to a superior.  It upsets him that she keeps calling Bucky the Winter Soldier.  Before he can comment on it, she continues.

 

“There are those in our own government who want the Winter Soldier to turn himself in.  They’re promising to consider all of the circumstances.”

 

“Hold it.  Bucky is not turning himself over to anyone.  He can barely be in a room with a closed door.  They’ll lock him up.  It’s not happening.”  Steve says.  He notices Jemma backs up slightly.

 

“This isn’t up for discussion.”  Melinda says.  And if he were anyone else, or if this were about anyone else, it would broker no argument.  But this is Bucky they’re talking about.  If he has to fight SHIELD, HYDRA, and the government then so be it.  He’s about tell her just that when Phil cuts in.

 

“Clear the room.  I’d like a moment with the Captain.”  Coulson says.  Everyone does as he asks.  Melinda gives him a look.  Steve has to fight the smile when Phil gives her a look of his own.

 

“Look, I get it.  You want to protect him.  And Tony has the resources to let you do that.  But I need his help.  That Senator who went up against Tony, the one who wanted the Iron Man suit.  He was HYDRA.  You add that to Pierce and I have to worry that it’s not just SHIELD they infiltrated.  I turn him over to them, I have an inside man who can help me root them out.”

 

“Do you have any idea what those _bastards_ did to him?”  When Phil shakes his head.  Steve continues to glare.

 

“Didn’t think so.  I **_will not_ ** turn him over to anyone.  If he wants to help than he does it because he **_wants_** to.  But you want to put him in a cell you’re going to have to get through me to do it.  Think you’re man enough to take me on Coulson?”  Phil just takes a step back and sits down.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was nervous about bringing the Avengers into this. I must have watched the movie a ton of times. But I decided to keep them in anyway. Please let me know what you think.


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't figured out how to reply to comments yet, but thank you. I'm glad everyone is enjoying. And thank you to everyone who's left kudos as well. This chapter is shorter than the last two, but I wanted to put something up.

“Boss, I don’t mean to interrupt but well, we got trouble.”  Tripp says coming into the room.

 

“Great.  What now?”

 

“Phil really, this is how you’re going to play things.  Seriously?”  Tony says coming into the room.  Steve is impressed.  He’s not wearing the Iron Man suit.

 

“Tony it’s always a pleasure.  How did you find my plane?”

 

“JARVIS.”

 

“Of course.  I should have known.”

 

“You really should have.  And call Pepper.  She wants to do lunch.  Course that was before you decided her new best friend was public enemy number one.”

 

“Damnit Stark, it’s not like that.”

 

“Sure as hell could have fooled me.  Capsicle you coming?”

 

“In a minute.  Please tell me Bruce isn’t here too.”

 

“Okay Bruce isn’t here too.”

 

“How close is he to the other guy coming into play?”

 

“Very.”  Bruce says coming to the room.  Phil’s team hot on his heels. 

 

“Now, Doctor Banner I know how it probably looks.   But I assure you we only want to talk to Sergeant Barnes.  Isn’t that right?”  Jemma says turning to Phil.

 

“Yes.  Look we got off on the wrong foot here.  I should have stepped up.  But well, we all know…”

 

“You turn into a Captain America fan-boy anytime anything related to him comes up?”

 

“Tripp.”  Melinda scolds.

 

“You saw him when I brought out Gramps Howling Commandoes gear.  He went all crazy.”

 

“You were acting just as crazy so it’s not like you have any room to talk.”  Phil says trying to defend himself.

 

“Your grandfather was a Howling Commando?”  Steve asks turning to Tripp.

 

“Yeah.  Talked about Bu… James like he hung the moon.  You too.”

 

“If I agree to try and get Bucky to meet with you.  Would that do?”

 

“No.”  That’s May.  Steve watches as Bruce clenches and unclenches his fist and jaw.

 

“Yes.  You have my card.”  Phil says quickly trying to diffuse the situation.

 

“See isn’t it better when we all try to compromise?  Doctor Banner, I was wondering could I show you something.  I’d like your opinion on it.”

 

“Now, you’re actually asking his advice, now?!”  Skye asks incredulously.

 

“Yes, Skye.  It’s not like he turned into a green rage monster seconds ago.  It’ll be fine.  Besides he might be able to… he might…. I’ve got… excuse me.” 

 

“Is she all right?”  Bruce asks.

 

“She will be if you agree to look over a few medical records.”  Tripp says.

 

“Sure.  I could do that, I guess.  You’ll leave me the car?”  Bruce asks turning to Tony.

 

“We’ll wait.  Coulson, a word.  Alone.”  Tony says.  Phil nods.

 

Steve tries not to worry.  It’s not easy.  He talks to Tripp about his grandfather.  He knows Melinda is shooting daggers into his back.  It would make him uncomfortable if Bucky weren’t involved.  Tony comes back ten minutes later and Phil looks like a kicked puppy.

 

“What did you do to him?”

 

“Just reminded him of a few things.  The big guy still not back yet?”

 

“No.  Tony what did you do?”

 

“It’s fine Cap.  Really.  Just put me in my place as only he can.”

 

“We ready to go?  Jemma I’ll run those tests and get you the results first thing in the morning.”  Bruce says coming back into the room.  He looks between Steve and Tony worriedly, but decides if they don’t seem to want to come to blows he can let it go.

 

“Thank you.”

 

“Anytime.”

 

They head for the hangar door when Melinda stops Steve.  Tony and Bruce both turn to look at them.  Steve nods and they continue on their way.  Then he squares his shoulders and turns to face the woman.

 

“Coulson may be willing to look the other way.  I’m not.”

 

“Ask him about our discussion.”  Steve says turning and leaving.

 

They get back to the Tower and Bucky is sitting watching a movie with Pepper.  Bruce says hello then heads for the lab.  Steve just storms past them and onto the balcony.  Tony follows after dropping a kiss on Pepper’s head.  He shuts the door and tells JARVIS to sound proof the glass.

 

“All right let it all out.”

 

“Who the _hell_ does that woman think she is?  I refuse to let another one of Fury’s dogs push me or Bucky around.  Peggy would be appalled at what’s happened.”

 

“Okay.  Breathe for me would you.”

 

“She wants to cage him like an animal.”

 

“I know.  But we aren’t going to let that happen.  He agrees to meet with Coulson we do it on our turf.”

 

“Tony…”

 

“Look, I’ve seen the files.  I know what they did.  I’m willing to chock what he did to my parents to extenuating circumstances.  I’m also smart enough to know had he not been a brainwashed robot they would have been screwed.”

 

“Want to help me convince him of that.”

 

“He’ll get there.  Now what made you decide to call Coulson without back up?”

 

“It’s Phil.  I didn’t think I had to worry.  And I have this nagging feeling.  I can’t tell you what it is.”

 

“You’re waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

 

“Yeah, I guess.  Look it’s late.  I’m exhausted.  He’s not talking to me.  I just want to go curl up in a ball.”

 

“Oh barf.  And we were doing so well.  You coming back in?”

 

“In a bit.”

 

Steve stares out over the city trying to calm himself.  He’s still so angry he can’t see straight.  He tenses when he feels Bucky wrap himself around him.  Bucky doesn’t say anything just holds him.  When that doesn’t release the tension he starts rubbing his shoulders.

 

“Steve, what’s wrong?”

 

“Run.  Just run.  Leave tomorrow morning before anyone is up.”  Bucky turns Steve to face him.

 

“Talk to me, punk.”  Bucky says leading him to the elevator.  When they stop Steve sees they’re back in the apartment.  Bucky’s got stuff all over the place.  He’s got the TV on some old movie station.  There’s a Cary Grant film on at the moment.  A bowl of popcorn sits on the table.  Steve also notices it’s after midnight.

 

Bucky takes him into the bedroom and makes him lay down.  He makes Steve be the little spoon, which Bucky thinks was easier before the war.  It makes him smile a little.  He kisses the back of Steve’s neck.  He just holds him.  Steve shifts and rolls over then buries his head in Bucky’s chest. 

 

“Oh, Stevie.”  Bucky just rubs his back as he sobs.

 

“I keep expecting this to go away.  You remembering.  Then you’ll leave me again.”  Bucky tips his chin up and kisses him.

 

“Not gonna happen.  I checked with Banner.  Had him run tests.  He says I can probably get more back.  I mean yeah he warned me the bad was gonna come with the good.  But he said he’s pretty sure you’ll be around to help when that happens.”

 

“Course I will.  I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I keep having this nagging feeling.  And now things are just ten times worse.  Christ I sound like a toddler.”  Bucky barks out a laugh.

 

“You do.  But I was willing to not say anything.”

 

“Jerk.”

 

“I take it your meeting with Coulson didn’t go well.”  Bucky says ignoring the nickname.

 

“No.  They want you to turn yourself in.  I tried to tell him under no uncertain terms that wasn’t happening.  Not sure I was all that convincing.”

 

“Sam says HYDRA got inside a lot further than anyone thought.  His Army buddies told him the politicians in Washington want my head on a silver platter.  That why you want me to run?”

 

“Yes.”  Steve says getting angry all over again.

 

“I could do that.  But then you’re here alone to face them, and well like I said trashcan lids aren’t gonna get the job done.  So you and I are just going to have to sit down and come up with something.  But after you get some sleep.”

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“You’re so exhausted you turned into a five year old a few minutes ago.  Just get some sleep.”

 

“Stay.”  Steve says rolling back over and snuggling into Bucky’s arms.

 

“No place I’d rather be.”  Bucky says kissing his neck again.

 

Steve is sound asleep by the time Bucky pulls away.  He doesn’t hear Bucky tell him he loves him.  He also doesn’t wake when Bucky gets out of bed.  He kisses Steve’s temple then heads for the lab.  Pepper mentioned Tony doesn’t sleep.  He finds Tony working on the suit.  He pulls up the stool and sits down.

 

“Barnes.”

 

“What happened on that plane?”

 

“You mean Steve didn’t tell you?”

 

“He told me they want me to turn myself over to them.  But he came back… he’s…. I’ve only ever seen him that upset one other time, and that was because his mother died.  So what the hell did those people do?”  Tony looks over and watches Bucky’s face in amazement.  It’s as if he’s remembering it as he says the words.

 

“Oh Coulson better watch his back.”

 

“Damn right.”

 

“I already told Steve if you agree to meet with them, which is what they want by the way, that we’d do it here.”

 

“Set it up.  And whichever one of them upset Steve… make sure they’re here.” 

 

Tony says nothing.  He just continues to tinker with the suit.  Bucky heads back to the apartment.  Once JARVIS says he’s arrived Tony sets things up with Coulson.  He sets it up for six the next day.  Phil offers to come alone until Tony tells him under no uncertain terms the only two who don’t have to come are Simmons and Tripp.

 

“This really isn’t going to go well is it?”  Phil asks.

 

“No.  No it’s not.”

 


	4. Chapter Four

Steve wakes the next morning to Bucky murmuring in Russian in his sleep.  Then he cries out.  Steve rolls over and takes him into his arms.  He runs his fingers through Bucky’s hair till he calms.  Bucky wakes up as Steve is trying to ease himself out of bed.

 

“Sorry.”  Steve says as Bucky pulls him back into his arms.

 

“It’s okay.  I had a nightmare anyway.”

 

“Do you want to talk about it?”  Bucky shakes his head then cuddles into Steve more.  This is one he needs to discuss with Tony first.  Which he’s dreading.

 

“I woke up during the night.  You weren’t here.”  Steve says.

 

“I went to talk to Tony.”  Bucky says not really sure how to go about telling Steve the rest of it.

 

“What did you do?”

 

“Look, I told you, to me you’re always going to be the skinny kid from Brooklyn.  No one messes with that kid on my watch.  They upset you.  They’re gonna answer to me.  They’ll be here at six.”

 

Steve knows he should protest, really he should.  But, if he’s honest, it gives him a little thrill that Bucky still wants to defend him.  Which isn’t to say he’s not worried sick about this; and that he thinks it’s a horrible idea.   But he knows there’s no arguing with Bucky about this. 

 

“You know Captain, you’re thinking awful loudly.  Relax everything is going to be fine.  I promise to be on my best behavior.”

 

“You’re not the one I’m worried about.  It’s not too late for you to just run.”  Steve says craning his neck so he can see his face.  Bucky leans down to kiss him.

 

“I’m not going anywhere.  You hungry?”

 

“Not really.  Wait, what time is it?”

 

“Almost nine.”

 

“I missed my run with Sam.”

 

“I’m sure he won’t mind not having you run circles around him for one morning.”

 

“He’s told you about that, huh?”

 

“Yeah.  Right after I did the same thing to him.  Course I also know how to slow down so we’re more evenly matched.”  Steve has to smile at that.  He’s glad Sam is willing to help Bucky.

 

“Shut up, jerk.”  Bucky just claims Steve’s mouth again.  It gets more heated this time.  But Bucky pulls away before it goes too far.  He looks away and takes a few deep breaths.  Steve’s about to ask if he’s all right when Bucky starts talking.

 

“I... god I want us to have what we used to.  But I’m not ready yet.”

 

“It’s all right.  I told you. Whatever I can get.  If us kissing like teenagers is as far as it goes that’s more than fine with me.”

 

“You’re ridiculous sometimes you know that.”

 

“I know.  You tell me enough.”  Bucky throws his head back and laughs.  

 

Then he’s dragging Steve out of bed and towards the elevators to grab food.  They go up to the common area.  Tony is sitting at the island drinking his coffee while working on his tablet.  Bruce is doing the same only he’s reading the paper.  Steve’s fixing himself a plate when he hears Bucky asks Tony what his schedule is.  Tony says he has a few hours free at ten.  Bucky requests some of it to talk then leaves the room.

 

“Capsicle, any idea what that’s about?”  Tony asks

 

“No.”  Tony just shrugs and turns his attention back to his tablet.

 

Steve goes back to the apartment and finds it empty.  He decides to go take a shower.  When he gets out Bucky still isn’t back yet.  He gets himself ready then goes back to the common area.  Nick is there letting Bruce rant at him.  Steve immediately wishes he’d grabbed his shield.  Then realizes he has no idea where it is.

 

“Captain.”

 

“If you’re calling me Captain, this obviously isn’t a social call.  What did one of your lap dogs call you to tell you I wasn’t staying in line?”  Bruce whistles under his breath impressed.

 

“Barnes needs to be turned over to the proper authorities.”

 

“He has.  He’s turned himself into the Avengers.”

 

“Captain.”

 

“Let me be very clear about this, Fury.  Bucky **_is not_** being turned over to anyone.  You people want to lock him in a cage you’re going to have to get through me to do it.”  Fury, to Bruce and Steve’s surprise backs down.  Then leaves.

 

“Where’s Bucky?”

 

“In the lab with Tony I think.  He looked like a man about to face a firing squad when he stepped onto the elevator but said he was fine.  You really have no idea what this is about?”

 

“No, I think I do now.  And as much as I want to save him from this I can’t.  How long ago was that?”

 

“Five or ten minutes ago.  JARVIS offered to pipe it up here so I could listen in, or you could if you joined me.”

 

“I… JARVIS…” 

 

“Of course Captain Rogers.”

 

“You know Barnes I’m all for the strong silent thing but you’ve been staring at the suit for fifteen minutes now.”  Tony says calmly.  Steve thinks it’s almost soothing, but he knows Tony better than that.  When Bucky finally speaks Steve has to sit down.

 

“You know the first time I met your dad was at the expo.  He’d made a flying car.  I might have gushed about how much I wanted one.  You..”

 

“Oh.  This is about Mom and Dad.  Look, extenuating circumstances.”

 

“I… they’d still….”

 

“I know, what you did.  I know what happened.  I’ve read the file.  But I also remember how he used to go on about you and Cap.  Cap he used to drive me nuts about.  It was like Rogers never did anything wrong.  He’d try to tell me I should be more like Cap than you.  I remember we had this huge blowout a few months before the accident.  I asked him what was so wrong with being someone like you.  He sputtered for a good half an hour before saying nothing.  Then later that night he came to my room to talk to me.  He explained that your being so head strong had gotten you killed and he didn’t want that happening to me.  So in a way you helped us bond.  Okay this obviously isn’t helping.  Where the hell is Pepper when I need her?”

 

“I’ll be out of here after the meeting tonight.”  Steve hears Bucky say it and he curls in on himself a little more.

 

“No, actually you won’t be.  Barnes, I let you stay here knowing what you’d done.  Dad also said Peggy used to tell him how you wouldn’t go down without a fight.  How the only thing that made you stop fighting, according to Steve, was him begging you to.  You know I’ve met Peggy.  I asked her to tell me stories when I was little.  Mostly because I didn’t believe Dad.  Her stories were the same.  But she added something.  Something which until I saw it with my own eyes I don’t think I really understood.  You’re his world you know, and I can tell he’s yours.  Zola knew it too.  Zola could see it.  So Zola used that to his advantage.”

 

“What is it with you and Steve?  You’d think I picked a lock on grocer and stole a few loaves of bread, not you know killed people.”  Bucky says angrily.

 

“Steve’s stupid in love with you.  Me, well, you’re like this enigma I have to solve.  So you’re stuck staying here until I do.  Now get out of here.  I’ve got work to do.  Oh and Barnes, Pepper knows.  She’s taking her cues from me.”

 

“Oh.  You sure you don’t want me out of here?”

 

“Positive.”

 

Steve heads for the apartment.  He gets there just as Bucky’s opening the door.  Bucky just goes into the bedroom and lays down.  Steve goes and takes Bucky into his arms and tries to hold him but Bucky moves out of his reach.  He opts to just lay next to him for a bit.

 

“I’m trying not to be pissed at you for listening in.  I want to be, but I know you only did it because you weren’t sure how Tony was going to react.  I know you did it because you’re worried about me.”

 

“I did it because I didn’t want you to have to tell me about it later and have to relive everything a third time.  Look if you want to be alone I can go.”

 

“Stay.  Only let me hold you.  I sleep better that way.”

 

“Oh Buck.”  Steve shifts so he can be held.  Bucky does for dear life.  When the first tears fall Steve shifts again so they can hold each other.

 

“Don’t leave me.  Please.”  Bucky says quietly through his tears.  Steve holds a little tighter once the shaking starts.

 

“Never.  End of the line.”  Bucky clings to him.  He falls into a fitful sleep.  Steve just clings.

 

Bucky wakes with a scream and throws Steve down.  The metal arm is digging into his throat but Steve stays calm.  Bucky’s saying something in Russian.  He just keeps repeating it, over and over.  The pressure of the metal arm on his throat is getting to be a problem.  Nothing is working to calm Bucky.  To bring him back to himself. 

 

“JARVIS.”  Steve chokes out.

 

That’s all it takes.  The next second Tony is in the room pulling Bucky off Steve while Bruce sticks a needle in his arm.  Sam is checking Steve over for injuries.  Then Bucky slumps to the floor.  Steve is batting Sam away and is then holding Bucky to him.  Bruce has the decency to leave then.  He places a hand on Steve’s shoulder to get his attention then tells him it was only a mild sedative.  That Bucky should wake in about half an hour.  Tony looks to Steve for what he wants.

 

“Go.  We’ll be fine.”

 

“I’m only a call away.  You sure you’re okay?”

 

“Physically yes.  Otherwise, no.  He’s going to want to leave again.  I can’t… Tony…”

 

“I’ll fix it.  Don’t worry.  He won’t be going anywhere.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

Sam stays to keep Steve company, or so he says.  Steve opts to believe that’s why he’s staying.  He helps Steve get Bucky back to bed then they go into the living room.  Steve’s still shaky from what’s happened.  Sam waits for a bit then he forces Steve to talk about it.

 

“I couldn’t get through to him.  I didn’t care about me.  I... I couldn’t reach him.  And then I kept thinking he’s going to wake up and want to leave because he’s hurt me again.  I can’t lose him Sam.  Not again.”

 

“We’ll work with him on it.  I’ll talk to him.  Tony will talk to him.  We’ll get Clint to come back so he can talk to him.  It’s a lot like what Loki did, in a way.  Talking to Clint might help.”

 

“And where do I fit into all of this?”  Steve asks, all the while trying to not be angry.  But if there’s one thing he hates it’s feeling helpless.

 

“You’ll be the one holding him together through it all.  You’ll be like…  Well like with kids when you want them to do something.  You tell them pick up your room and we’ll go for ice cream later.  And I know it sounds horribly awful to do that to him.  But Steve, there are going to be days he’s not going to want to talk to anyone.  There are going to be days he’s just going to want to stay in bed with the covers over his head.  Those days?  You’re going to be vital.  So I know it doesn’t seem like you’re going to be helping but believe me you will be.”

 

Bucky wakes calling out for Steve.  He runs into the room and Bucky clings to him for all of two seconds before he remembers.  He checks Steve’s throat then kisses each one of the bruises.  He then cuddles Steve close.  In the distance Steve hears the door open then close.  Sam having opted to leave.  He makes Steve lay down so he can hold him.

 

“I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry.”  Bucky says into his neck.

 

“I’m fine Bucky.  I’m all right.  These’ll be gone in a few hours.”

 

“By six?  Because we’re really not going to be able to have you at the meeting if you’ve got bruises all over you.”

 

“Bruce and I were sparring.  It got heated.  Hulk came into play.  See all fixed no one will know.”

 

“Wait, what?”

 

“Come on.  You need to eat something.  I’ll get JARVIS to pull up footage while we eat.”

 

“I told you I was going to… I told you I was going to…  I told you I was going to kill you.”  Bucky finishes quietly, pulling away as he does so.

 

“No. No. It’s all right.  Buck, it’s okay.  Please don’t do this.  Bucky no.” 

 

Steve can’t get through to him again.  He’s just rocking back and forth on the bed staring at the wall.  Silent tears running down his face.  Steve gets behind him and holds him.  He asks JARVIS to get Sam and Bruce.  When they both arrive Sam tells Bruce to take Steve into the other room.  Steve refuses to leave.  Sam tries to explain to Steve that he needs to but then Bucky reaches out and takes his wrist.  Steve notices it’s his flesh arm and feels like they’ve taken a giant step back.

 

“Steve stays.  Everyone else out.  Just for a minute.”

 

“It’s like talking to the other guy.  Maybe he and Bucky could bond.”  Tony says from the living room.

 

“Not funny, Tony.”  Bruce says to him but there’s a hint of a smile in his voice.

 

“I scared you.  I’m sorry.  Please, sit with me.”

 

“Sure.”  Steve says sitting down and resting his head on Bucky’s metal shoulder.

 

“I should have warned you.  It happened after the museum.  I remember getting to the hotel I stayed in, but I don’t remember getting to the room.  I thought it was just after effects of the most recent wipe.  I think I may need… I don’t know.  Help of some kind.  Maybe I should turn myself in.  At least then I wouldn’t be grabbing you around the throat in my sleep.”

 

“I am not letting you leave me.  We’re going to get through this together just like we always have.”

 

“Steve.”  Steve leans over and kisses him ending the argument.  Then he rests his head on Bucky’s shoulder again.  He takes it one step further and links their fingers together.  Bucky tries to pull away but Steve won’t let him.

 

“You want my opinion?”  Tony asks coming into the room.

 

“Tony, leave them be.”  Pepper says from behind him.

 

“I think we should just get a team shrink.  I mean I have my issues.  We all know Bruce has issues.  Steve here, well his issues are…. Pepper is being too well mannered for your own good an issue?  Barton has his share of issues.  And Nat well she’s just….”

 

“Watch it Tony she can kick your ass.”  Steve says smiling.  He really can’t believe how wonderful everyone is being.

 

“Point taken.  Look, fact is we’re all screwed up.  Safest place for you is here at the Tower.  And I don’t mind having you around.”  Tony says.  Steve suddenly realizes Tony is standing behind Bucky.

 

“Tony leave him alone.  He just got through a panic attack he doesn’t need you poking around his arm.”  Pepper says sternly.

 

“I’m just looking.”

 

“And taking pictures so you can have JARVIS pull them up later.  I know you.  James, come outside on the patio with me for a second.  Come on. Steve’ll still be here when you come back inside.  I want to show you something.”

 

“All right.”  Bucky says getting up. 

 

He follows Pepper into the living room then out the patio door off the dining area.  What he sees makes him smile widely.  It’s the Bridge.  She stands next to him smiling herself.  She takes her phone out and snaps a picture then sends it to Steve’s phone.  He sits down in one of the chairs and motions for her to do the same.

 

“Is this why you told JARVIS to give me this one?”

 

“Yes.  Are you… do you need anything?”

 

“No, you’ve all been really wonderful considering.  Can I ask you something?  And can it stay between you and me for a bit?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“Can you find me someone?  I’d prefer to do the sessions here.  So can you also get me somewhere in the tower to do that?”

 

“I’ll start first thing tomorrow morning.  Is that all right?”

 

“Yeah.  Thanks, Pepper.”

 

“Anytime, James.”  She says patting his hand.

 

He stays out on the patio for a while.  At one point Sam comes out and checks on him.  Another Bruce comes out and explains the other guy to him.  He also agrees to cover with Coulson’s team.  JARVIS informs him any footage of the event has been wiped and the proper footage to accompany the official story has been fabricated.  He asks if anyone’s going to be able to tell.  JARVIS sounds offended when he answers.  He falls asleep.  He wakes to Steve kissing the top of his head.  He pulls Steve into his lap and kisses him.

 

“Feeling better?”  Steve asks when they pull away.

 

“A little.  You sure you’re okay?”

 

“Fine.  I love you.”

 

Bucky doesn’t say anything just kisses him again, smiling as he does so.  They trade lazy kisses until Steve has to pull away.  He rests his forehead against Bucky’s and then kisses his metal shoulder again.

 

“What is it with you and that arm?”

 

“I’m… nothing.”  Steve says blushing.  Bucky laughs.  It’s just like it was before when he’d get flustered.

 

“You’re trying to show me you’re okay with it, even though it nearly choked you to death a few hours ago?”  Bucky asks.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I love you.”  Bucky says kissing him again.

 

“Excuse me, sirs.” 

 

“Yes JARVIS?”  They say in unison.

 

“Mr. Stark would like to see Sergeant Barnes down in the lab when he has a moment.  He said he’s willing to wait until after the meeting.  Which by the way is in little under an hour.”

 

“Thanks.”  Bucky says.  Steve just shifts more to get comfortable.  Bucky chuckles.

 

“You gonna let me up so I can make myself presentable for these assholes?”

 

“In a minute.  Let me have a moment will you.”

 

“What’s wrong?  Come on talk to me.  You tensed up the minute he mentioned the meeting.”

 

“I’ll be fine in a second.  I take it Pepper gave you this one because of the view.”

 

“She gave it to us actually.  You don’t have a separate apartment.  I told her to tell you there wasn’t another one available.  I am a horrible person I know.”  Bucky says with a smile.  Steve just kisses him lightly then gets off his lap.

 

“We need to do something for Bruce.”  Bucky says as he heads to shower.  He’s taken his clothes off and Steve isn’t sure what the hell it is he’s just said.  But before he can ask Bucky’s stripped off his boxers and is shutting the door.  Steve hits his head against the wall.

 

Bucky comes out of the shower in nothing but a towel.  His hair is dripping little rivulets down his chest.  Steve is pretty sure Bucky is going to be the death of him.  He’s also pretty sure Bucky has no idea what he’s doing to him.

 

“Steve, did you hear me?  I said showers all yours and we’ve got less than half an hour.”  Bucky says with a smirk.

 

“Right.  Sorry.  I’ll be quick.”  Steve changes his mind.  Bucky knows exactly what he’s doing.              

 

They get down to the common area with five minutes to spare.  Phil is talking with Pepper.  Simmons is chatting with Bruce.  Tripp just gapes at the both of them.  Skye is switching from foot to foot standing by Coulson.  Melinda is in the corner glaring at Steve.  Steve notes that Nick and Maria have joined them as well.  He’s not sure if that’s a good or bad thing.  Though he’s leaning towards bad.

 

“It’s not too late for you to run.”  Steve whispers to Bucky.

 

“Not a chance in hell, Stevie.”  Steve just takes a deep breath.  Skye notices his neck.

 

“What the hell happened to you?”

 

“This is what I get for trying to spar with the Hulk.”

 

“Steve!  You did what?”  Maria asks turning her attention to him.

 

“I tried to warn him.  He refused to listen.”  Bruce says.

 

“Score one for the Hulk.  Tomorrow it’s my turn.  He won’t be so lucky.  Tony says.  Steve would kiss him if thought Tony would let him.

 

“You’ll be lucky to have anything left of the suit if you stay as cocky as usual.”  Bruce tells him.

 

“Which we all know he will.” Pepper says with a sweet smile on her face.  She rubs her hands together like she can’t wait to watch.

 

Bucky looks at Steve and just smiles at him.  Steve wants to kiss him but knows he can’t.  Everyone pulls up a spot for the meeting.  Nick tries to get Pepper to leave.  Before she can even make a move Bucky is taking her hand and sitting her in Tony’s lap.

 

“She stays.”  Bucky says in a tone that makes everyone just let it go.  Though Steve can tell Fury’s not happy about it.

 

“Sergeant Barnes we would….”  Phil says trying to start the conversation.  Bucky just glares.

 

“I know what you people want.  Steve’s made your position abundantly clear.”

 

“We are so screwed.”  Tripp says to Jemma.  He thinks he says it quiet enough for no one to hear, until Bucky responds.

 

“Not you two.  You two at least had the brains to treat Captain Rogers with the respect his position demands.”

 

“I was…”  Skye tries

 

“You were until you stuck him an interrogation room because one of Fury’s dogs told you to.”

 

“Buck.”

 

“Oh this needs popcorn.  JARVIS.”  Tony says.  Bucky turns and glares.

 

“You aren’t in any position to….”  Maria says.  Bucky’s standing in front of her and Fury in seconds.  Steve can’t bring himself to move.  He waits it out.  The three of them stare at each other until Jemma diffuses the situation as only she can.

 

“Sergeant Barnes, we honestly just came to talk.  It seems we keep getting off on the wrong foot.  Now if everyone would just take a seat, I’ll be more than happy to explain why we’d like your help.”

 

“Oh is that what you people are calling locking me in a cage these days.”  Bucky says going to stand by the window.

 

“I assure you, we’re just here to talk.”  Jemma says going over to stand in front of him.  Steve watches as Fury and Hill move toward her.  She turns around and glares. Jemma doesn’t see it, but Steve notices the way a ghost of a smile comes over Bucky’s face.

 

“Perhaps you, Tripp and I could go somewhere more private to talk.  Captain Rogers is more than welcome to come.  And I’m sure Mr. Stark will insist upon coming along.”

 

“Just the three of us is fine.  Unless you really want to be there, Steve.”

 

“Whatever you’re comfortable with.”

 

“Hey JARVIS, can you get me a board room.  And let everyone down here listen in?”  Bucky asks.  Bruce smiles impressed.

 

“Of course Sergeant Barnes give me just a moment.  Do you want everyone up here to have visual as well?”

 

“Not really but I’m sure Coulson would like to keep an eye on his team, so I’ll go along with it.”

 

“Second board room on the left just before you get to Miss Potts office is available.  I’ve made the audio/visual requirements.”

 

“Thank you.  Follow me.  Pepper, you want to join us?” 

 

“I... Are you sure?”

 

“Wouldn’t have asked if I wasn’t.  Can you show Tripp and Simmons where it is?  I’ll be right up.”  Bucky says motioning Steve to follow him to one of the rooms off the common.

 

“Bucky?”  Steve asks.

 

“Just wanted to do this.”  Bucky says before kissing Steve.

 

“I’ll be right here if you need me.”  Bucky just nods and then heads up.

 

He arrives to find Pepper making small talk with Jemma.  Tripp is wringing his hands nervously.  Pepper taps something then nods to Bucky that they’re all set.  He takes a seat at the head of the table. 

 

“All right, Agent Simmons you’ve got the floor.”

 

“Thank you.  I’m just going to come out and say it, we think you might be in danger.  HYDRA know you’re out here somewhere.  They want you back.  Secondly, we know they’ve infiltrated more than just SHIELD.  There are members of the government who have been loyal to HYDRA.  Pierce wasn’t the only one.  There was a senator as well.”

 

“Sam says it’s more, according to people he knows.  And while I’m more than willing to tell you what I know I’m not willing to do it from inside of a cage.”

 

“We don’t want you to.”  Bucky snorts at that.  He tries to keep himself calm but he can feel the rage building.

 

“Did you miss the part where Agent May told Steve I had no choice but to turn myself over to you people?”

 

“I’m sure she didn’t…”  Jemma moves her chair back just a smidge.

 

“James, do you want me to get Steve?”

 

“I’m fine.  I just don’t care for being lied to.”   Bucky says through his clenched jaw.

 

“Simmons let me.”  Tripp says.

 

“Look Melinda probably did mean it the way it sounded.  She’s a heartless bitch at times.  And I really don’t think she’s bothered to read the files.  Fact is if you don’t turn yourself over to us the politicians in Washington will demand you turn yourself over to them and it’ll be ten times worse.”

 

“I’ve turned myself into the Avengers.  The politicians have a problem with that they can take it up with Iron Man.”

 

“I’ll let Coulson know.  Look if it were up to me we’d leave you alone.  Let you get your head back on straight then ask you to help us if you can.  I think Coulson would too.  Last thing he wants is Captain America pissed at him.”  Tripp says.

 

“Well, he better get used to it.”  Pepper says.

 

“Sergeant Barnes can I ask you something?”  Jemma asks as they’re getting up to leave.

 

“Of course, and I’m sorry if I scared you a second ago.  I didn’t mean to.”

 

“Oh no I’m fine.  Your arm, may I take a look?”

 

“Uh… I haven’t… I…”  Bucky takes a few deep breaths.  He’s not sure how but Steve is at his side holding his hand and running his fingers through his hair.

 

“You’re all right, breathe with me okay.”  Bucky does and calms down slightly.

 

“I’m not really comfortable letting anyone see it.”  Bucky says quietly.  He can feel the rage building again.  He’s not even sure what’s prompting it this time, which scares him a bit.

 

“I know.  But she just wants to check your shoulder okay.  Bruce told her I was worried.  I didn’t want to say anything to you because I know how you are about it.  I just want to make sure it’s not going to cause you trouble now that you’re not…. Now that….”’

 

“Now that I’m not a zombie assassin?”  Bucky says bitterly. 

 

“We can do it another time.  I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have sprung it on you.”  Jemma says soothingly. 

 

“Thanks.  I’m going to take a walk.  I’m allowed to that right?”  Steve hates how angry he sounds.  Hates that it feels like they’re taking a giant steps backwards right now.

 

“Of course you are.  Did you….”

 

“So I’m allowed to as long as I’ve got a keeper, got it.”  Bucky says storming out of the room.

 

“Damnit.”  Steve goes to follow but Pepper steps in front of him.

 

“Let him cool off.  I’ll go check on him in a bit.”

 

“All right that’s it both of you out now.  And take Coulson and the goons with you.  As for you **_Captain Rogers_** get out of my sight before I put the suit on and use you for tactical practice.”  Tony says coming into the boardroom.

 


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's shorter than the rest, but enough of you wanted to know why Tony was getting pissed at Steve so I decided to not make the wait long.

Steve just goes to the apartment.  He’s not surprised to find it empty.  He paces a bit.  He makes himself coffee.  He tries to tell himself Bucky just needs to blow off steam.  That he’s going to come back.  But if he’s completely honest with himself, he’s not sure Bucky will.  He finally resigns himself to the fact that he’s going to have to wait and plops himself down in front of the TV.  He tries to find mindless things to watch and fails.  He checks the clock and sees it’s only been half an hour.  He’s about to go up to the common room when Tony walks into the apartment.

 

“You forget how to knock?”

 

“My tower, I don’t have too.  You’re unbelievable.  You talk a good game I’ll admit.  But you’re no better than SHIELD or HYDRA.”  Tony spits.

 

“Excuse me?”  Steve says, clenching his fists.

 

“You don’t ask him what he wants.  You just decide for him.  You didn’t ask Bruce to **_ask_** that Simmons woman to look at it, you **_told_** him to have her look at it.   Bruce and I **_have_** looked at it.  While we can’t remove it and we can’t replace it, it’s not going to hurt him.  It’s not going to suddenly become infected because he’s not a what did he call it, ‘zombie assassin.’  Steve I get it, I do.  But please tell me you understand why he’s so angry right now.”

 

“I think so.  I just don’t get why he thought… I just wanted to….. we never used to be able to go out on nights like this and hold hands while… why am I telling you all this.  You don’t care.”  Steve says the fight going out of him.  He’s not sure he agrees with Tony on everything.  But he knows Tony’s right.  He knows Tony’s got him dead to rights on what he’s done.  He only hopes he can make Bucky understand why.

 

“No.  You really don’t get it.  And you’re right I don’t give a damn.  So would you take Bruce’s advice and talk to him ** _.  Please_**.”

 

“I don’t… how?  How do I talk to him when I’m so afraid of saying the wrong thing?  You saw what happened tonight.”

 

“Do you want to know where he is right now?”

 

“Tony how is you having JARVIS spy on him any better than what he thinks is going on?”

 

“Because he knows JARVIS does it.  He also knows that unless he’s in danger or putting someone else in danger JARVIS isn’t going to tell any of us a damn thing.  Though for the record, right now, he told JARVIS I could tell you where he was.”

 

“He did?”

 

“Yes.  So do you want to know?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“Roof.  But if you go up there you have to promise me you’re going to talk to him.”

 

Steve says nothing.  He races for the elevator and is on the roof in seconds.  Bucky is standing on the observation deck looking out over the city.  Steve debates taking him in his arms from behind but decides against it.  He goes and stands next to him instead.

 

“I’m sorry.  They say in unison.

 

“Go ahead.”  Bucky says giving Steve the floor.

 

“They… I… “

 

“Steve, just spit it out.” 

 

“I was gonna ask you if you wanted to go get ice cream.  Go for a walk blow off some steam and get ice cream.  Maybe take the subway to Brooklyn and walk through the park.  But you stormed out so fast.”

 

“Right.” 

 

“That’s not what set you off.”  Steve says quietly.

 

“Give the man a prize.”  Bucky says, angrily.

 

“I didn’t know you’d let Tony and Bruce look at it.  I thought, maybe, you’d let her take a look.  I don’t care about it.  I just…. I want to make sure it’s not going to….  ”

 

“You could have asked.”

 

“I didn’t know how.”

 

“Don’t give me that.”  Bucky says crowding him.  He clenches the metal fist a few times. 

 

“I am constantly afraid I’m going to lose you.  That something is going to happen and you’re going to forget me again.  That I’m going to say the wrong thing and you’re going to leave.  Or something is going to happen like tonight and you’re going to think you have to leave me so you don’t hurt me.  You said it yourself I can’t save you from your own head.  And you’ve got this stupid idea you still have to protect me.  Got news for you Buck, I can do that myself now.  And I sure as hell don’t need anyone to protect me from you.”  Steve realizes he’s been yelling and goes to apologize but Bucky just puts up a hand to stop him.

 

“C’mere.”  Bucky says going to hold him.  Steve takes a step back.

 

“No.  This isn’t something you can just kiss away.  I don’t know how to talk to you anymore.  And that hurts because we used to talk about everything and nothing all at the same time.  It’s like I have you back but I don’t.  I…”

 

“You what?”  Bucky asks.  Steve can see Bucky fighting to stay still.

 

“I shouldn’t be making this about me.”  Steve says looking down at his feet.

 

“You know everyone’s so worried about me I don’t think anyone’s even considered what this is doing to you.  I mean I have but… well there’s not much I can do.”  Steve goes to him then.  Bucky just holds him then kisses his temple.

 

“I’ll always come back you know.  Always.  I promised you a long time ago I would.  I know I broke it for a while, but it’s always gonna be true.  End of the line.”  Bucky says resting their foreheads together.

 

“Come on, let’s go downstairs.  It’s been a long day.  I don’t know about you, but I’m wiped.”  He says taking Steve’s hand.

 

“You go ahead.  I’ll be down in a minute.”

 

“Steve.”

 

“Just give me a bit.”  Bucky nods and does as he asks. 

 

Steve waits till he hears the door close before he destroys one of the tables.  Then he’s beating up one of the chairs so hard his knuckles start to bleed.  It’s the sight of the blood that stops him.  He goes down to the apartment and heads straight into the bathroom ignoring Bucky’s concerned look. 

 

“Steve.”

 

“I’m fine.”  He says firmly shutting the door in Bucky’s face.  He thinks it sounds almost as if he’s slammed it.  _Wonderful_ he thinks as he turns the hot water on.

 

He comes out half an hour later to find Pepper waiting for him.  Bucky is nowhere to be found.  She’s frowning.  He sits on the couch and offers her a seat in the chair.  She sits down and stares at him for a moment then reaches over and inspects his hands.

 

“JARVIS said you destroyed furniture on the roof.  James said you shut the bathroom door in his face rather hard.  I just thought I’d come make sure you were all right.”

 

“I’m fine Ma’am.  Let me know the cost of the furniture and I’ll replace it.  Now if you’ll excuse me it’s been a long day.”

 

“Of course.  Just remember I’m here if you need someone to talk to, all right?”  Steve just nods and shows her to the door.  Bucky’s stepping off the elevator.

 

Steve goes into the bedroom and lays down.  He moves away when Bucky tries to hold him and curls in on himself as much as he can.  Bucky doesn’t give up though, he just moves in and takes Steve in his arms.  He lets Steve kick and struggle for a bit then rolls him over and pins him to the bed.  He’s not angry and from what Steve can tell he knows exactly what he’s doing.

 

“Let it out.  Hit me.  Do whatever you’ve got to do to let it out.  You don’t it’s going to eat you alive.  Trust me I know.”

 

“I don’t want to hit you.”

 

“Okay.  Then who do you want to hit?”

 

“Zola and Pierce, maybe Fury.  Definitely Agent May.  And I shouldn’t ‘cause she’s a lady.  Myself.”  Steve says quietly.

 

“So that’s what this is about.  Now why would you want to beat up on yourself?”

 

“Tony says I’m no better Agent May or Zola.  I don’t ask you what you want.    I don’t know maybe he’s right.”

 

“You’re **_nothing_** like them.  You’re worried about me.  You said it yourself I’m not exactly easy to talk to these days.  I know you’re not trying to hurt me.  Steve, I know you’re doing it because you love me.  And I was already angry.  I shouldn’t have gone off on you like that.”

 

“I should get the Hulk to come out.  I’m so angry I think he’s the only one who could take it.  I’m going to go through bags too quick.”  Steve rants as if Bucky’s said nothing.

 

“Wait a second you go through punching bags?”

 

“When it gets this bad yeah.  After I woke up I went through a bunch.  Fury wanted to put me into therapy I told him no.  And I’m _Captain America_ so he didn’t argue it.”  Steve says.

 

“You and me could go through it together.   Might make it more bearable.”  Bucky opts not say anything about how bitter Steve sounded just then.

 

“Not when I’m part of your problem.”  Bucky shifts them then so Steve is curled into Bucky.

 

“You’re **_not_** part of my problem.  Not the way you’re thinking.  You’re right I am afraid of hurting you.  I don’t know what I’m doing, I can’t control it.  I could really hurt you during one of those black outs.  I could kill you.  I don’t know what I’d do then.  But I know you can protect yourself.  I do.  And hey, me protecting you makes me feel useful.  So let me all right.  Let me have your back.  I don’t trust these people to do it.  Maybe Sam, but that’s about it.”

 

“What about Nat?”

 

“When she’s around sure.  Point is I am always gonna worry about you.  So you better get used to it.”  Steve just nods and snuggles into Bucky more.  The fights gone out of him and now he’s exhausted.

 

“Steve?”

 

“Hmmm.”  Steve says half asleep. 

 

“Love you punk.”  Bucky says.  It’s not what he wants to say but for now it’ll have to do.

 

Bucky gives it half an hour and then gets out of bed.  It’s only eleven so he heads to find Tony or maybe Pepper.  He finds Bruce in the kitchen making a sandwich.  He nods then goes to head for the lab.  But then turns back to Bruce.

 

“How do you… Steve… he….  If he fought….”  Bucky says.  To his surprise Bruce is able to figure out what he’s asking.

 

“If Steve fought the other guy he’d lose.  I think.  He want to do that?”

 

“He pissed at the universe right now.  Says he thinks the only way he’s gonna get it all out is to fight the Hulk.”

 

“He blames himself you know.  He’ll never say it out loud.  Too afraid JARVIS will hear it.  Tell you.”

 

“Oh.  Shit.  I hadn’t even thought about that.  He always was the smarter one.”

 

“You two didn’t talk did you?”

 

“No, we did.  Well, I let him do the talking.  I still can’t figure out what the hell happened tonight.  I could feel it bubbling up ready to explode.  I think it’s the fact that I know Steve’s right.  They’d lock me in a cage.  Pull me out when they needed information…. It’s a little too close to what Zola and Pierce did ya know.”

 

“Coulson wouldn’t let May get her way.  He might put you on the team.  Give you a guard but he wouldn’t let her lock you up.  We joke about it, now, but Coulson has some serious hero worship for your boy.”  Bucky nods.  He feels someone wrap themselves around him and tenses until a kiss is dropped on both of his shoulders.

 

“You’re supposed to be asleep.”

 

“Nightmare.  Just gonna grab some water.”

 

“I’ll give you two some privacy.  Steve stop by and see me in the morning.”

 

“All right.”  Steve gives Bucky a look.  Bucky just smiles at him.

 

“What did you tell him?”  Steve asks.

 

“That you wanted to fight the other guy.  I asked if you’d win.”

 

“Bucky.”

 

“Bruce says you blame yourself.”  Bucky says as if Steve has said nothing.

 

“He… he… I…”  Steve goes over to the window and looks out over the city.

 

“Wasn’t your fault.  Steve I fell thousands of feet off a speeding train.  You had every right to think I’d died.  I **_should_** have died.  You think I don’t know if you thought for even a spilt second…”  Bucky stops when he hears someone coming into the room.

 

“Sorry.”  Sam says turning and leaving the kitchen.

 

“No Sam it’s fine.  Bucky and I were just about to head back to the apartment anyway.”  Steve says going to the elevator.

 

“How much of that did you hear?”

 

“Enough to know he’s got survivor guilt so nothing I didn’t already know.  Steve and I have this unwritten rule.  Anything he tells me stays between us.  I don’t make it a habit to spill what he tells me.  Kinda like the deal you and I have.  James I’m not going to go off and tell the _Bugle_ anything if that’s what you’re worried about.”

 

“I’m more worried Fury will hear about things.”

 

“Not from me.  I don’t think that guy was honest with us.  I just can’t prove it.  Given the Coulson news I’m thinking Nat’s on a fact finding mission.  And something tells me she finds what I think she’s going to Fury and Hill better watch their backs.”  Sam turns to go into the kitchen when Bucky stops him.

 

“Sam?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Thanks for having his back.”

 

“Anytime.”

 


	6. Chapter Six

Bucky heads back to the apartment to find the coffee table off to the side of the room and Steve trying to get comfortable on the couch cushions on the floor.  He smiles softly then slides in next to him dropping a kiss to the back of his neck.

 

“Hi.”

 

“You should go back to sleep.”

 

“Can’t.  Every time I close my eyes I see you falling then it just gets worse.”

 

“Listen to me.  I mean really listen to me.  What happened is **_not_** your fault.  I know you would have looked for me if you’d thought for even a split second I was alive.  It wasn’t your fault.”

 

“I shouldn’t have taken you on that train with me.”

 

“Like I was gonna let you go alone.”  Steve yawns in response.

 

“Want me to sing you to sleep like I used to.”  Bucky asks running the fingers of his metal hand through Steve’s hair.  He stops when he realizes.

 

Keep doing that.  It feels nice.”

 

“It’s… it’s… the metal arm.”

 

“I know.  Feels nice though.”  Steve says, and Bucky just does as he asks.  Steve snuggles in a bit more.

 

“You gonna sing to me?”  Steve asks, a smile evident in his voice.  Bucky just laughs and starts to sing.  Steve’s out in moments.

 

Steve wakes up at five and goes on his run with Sam.  Sam tells him what he talked to Bucky about.  He tells him he just doesn’t want Steve to think Sam’s going to go to the papers with what he knows.  They go to breakfast and the waitress flirts with Steve which causes Sam much amusement.  They head back to the Tower and Sam pulls Bucky aside, closer to where Tony’s sitting so he can relay the story to both of them.  Steve is sitting on the couch not paying much attention until he hears Tony and Bucky laughing.

 

“It really isn’t that funny.”  Steve snaps then he heads out of the room.

 

“Okay what the hell was that?  Tell me he’s not still pissed about last night.  I made valid points.”  Tony says.

 

“I shouldn’t have laughed.  I know he hates we have to hide.  He always has.  Hated the double dates I set him up on.  Hated that he had to lie to Peggy.”  Bucky says sitting down at the island. 

 

“And then I go and remind you two to keep the PDA to a minimum.”  Pepper says.

 

“You couldn’t have known.  How do we do this?  How do we go public?”

 

“Woah. Slow down there Buckaroo.”  Tony says.  Bucky clenches both fists, breaking the glass with his hand, and glares.

 

“Okay James and I are going to take this outside.  Tony you are going to clean this up.”  Pepper says leading Bucky out.

 

“You all right?”  Pepper asks once they’re out of earshot.

 

“Fine.”  Bucky says but he sounds anything but, even to himself.

 

“Pierce… he…. He called…. Well until I grabbed him and threw him across the room.  I didn’t… I never understood why it angered me so much.  But he knew exactly what he was doing.”

 

“I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.   But Tony’s right.  We can’t go public yet.  We still need to figure out how we’re going to explain you.  But I’ll start working on it.  I’ll also work on finding you someone to talk to.”

 

“Thanks. I’ll apologize to Tony.”

 

“You don’t have to.”

 

“No, I do.  He’s been more than kind, considering.”

 

“James, you’re allowed to get angry you know.  Tony doesn’t expect you to hide how you’re feeling.  Neither do I.”  Bucky nods then heads back inside.  Tony is sitting at the island talking to Steve.

 

“You all right?”  Steve asks going over to him.

 

“Yeah.  Tony can I talk to you for a second?”

 

“Yeah, come on down to the lab.  I’ve got to get a start on my day anyway.”

 

“Pierce said it didn’t he?”  Tony asks as soon as the doors of the elevator close.

 

“Yeah.  How’d you know?”

 

“It was a guess.  So really I’m the one who should be saying sorry.”

 

“Steve and I have wrecked your….”  Tony raises a hand to stop whatever apology Bucky is going to make.

 

 

“I have more money than I know what to do with.  A table and chair set and a glass really isn’t all that much when you think about it.  But if you really want to apologize let me run one more test on the arm.”

 

“All right.”  Bucky says but then he sees what Tony’s going to use and starts breathing heavily.  Then he starts whining quietly.

 

“JARVIS find Steve and get him down here.  Get Pepper too.”

 

“Of course sir.”

 

“Tony!  What the hell did you do?”  Pepper says as she comes into the room.

 

“I was going to run a test on the arm.  I want to double check something.  I was going over the original files and it concerned me.  I just want to make sure I didn’t lie to Steve.  He freaked out.  I don’t know why.”

 

“The table.”  Nat says coming into the lab.  Steve and Sam are hot on her heels.

"When did you get back?”

 

“Just now.  Move.”

 

“James, its Nat.  You’re okay.  You’re safe.  Steve’s right here.”  Bucky says nothing just stares blankly rocking back and forth.

 

Steve goes to sit behind him and Bucky grabs him and throws him across the room.  He just goes back in.  Bucky goes to grab him again and he just takes the metal hand and holds it.  Bucky relaxes and curls in more on himself.

 

“Easy, Buck.  I’ve got you.  You’re safe.”

 

“Right, JARVIS figure something else out.”  Tony says.

 

“Right away sir.”

 

“You okay?”  Sam asks Steve.

 

“I’ve had worse.”

 

“Sorry.”  Bucky says quietly.  Steve kisses his temple.

 

“I should’ve said something.  Shouldn’t have just gone into your blind spot.”

 

“You sure you’re okay?”  Bucky asks.  It breaks Steve’s heart at how broken he sounds.  Once again Steve wonders if they’re taking giant steps backward.

 

“Yeah.  You want to try this again?  Or do you want to go upstairs?”

 

“Try again.  Tony said he saw something in the original files.  He wants to make sure he didn’t lie to you.”

 

“Wait, you got all that?”  Tony asks.  He looks over at Sam.

“James, you me a run later?”  Sam asks.

 

“Definitely.  Only let’s just go up to the roof for a talk.”

 

“Sir.  If you’ll just take a seat on the stool next to Tony I can run the tests.” 

 

“Thanks JARVIS.”  Bucky says with a slight smile.

 

“You know he can’t see you right?”  Tony asks.

 

“Sir.  Shut up.”  Pepper just laughs at the offended look on Tony’s face.

 

“I designed you.  Don’t forget that.”

 

JARVIS doesn’t reply.  He just sets about running the tests.  Steve watches as a picture of Bucky’s arm comes up on the screen.  None of it makes any sense to him, but Bucky frowns slightly at what he sees then clenches his jaw and swears under his breath.  JARVIS asks if he’s feeling any discomfort.  Bucky says he’s not.  Steve isn’t so sure.  The test takes longer than Steve thought it would an after Bucky seems exhausted.

 

“I’m going to go take a nap.  Sam do you have anything planned for later?”

 

“Nah.  Come find me when you’re up and about.”

 

“Thanks.”  Bucky heads to the apartment. 

 

“You comin’ punk?”

 

“Give me a second, jerk.”

 

“I’m going to be sick.”  Tony says with a smile.

 

“Sir, again, shut up.”

 

“Explain it to me.”  Steve says once Bucky’s out of the room.

 

“Let me get the test results back.  Go take a nap with him.  That’s an order.”

 

Steve glares at him for a second then goes out of the lab.  He passes Bruce on his way out and just nods at him. The possible sparring session forgotten. He goes up to the common area to find Nat and Clint curled up on the love seat together Bucky is sprawled out on the couch.  He shifts on to his side and pats the couch next to him.

 

“We aren’t gonna fit, Buck.”

 

“Please.”  Bucky pouts at him.  Steve just shakes his head but lays down.

 

Bucky starts running his fingers through Steve’s hair and his asleep in minutes.  Steve makes small talk with Nat and Clint about their trip.  Nothing serious.  He’s going to save that for later.  Bucky kisses the back of Steve’s neck and Steve shifts a bit.

 

“You okay there Cap?”  Clint asks a gleam in his eye.

 

“Fine.  He awake?”

 

“Nope.”  Clint says with a chuckle.

 

“Great.  Just great.”  Steve tries to shift to get up and Bucky just pulls him tighter to him, shifting to get more comfortable.

 

“Come on Nat, let’s leave the two of them alone.”

 

“You guys don’t have to leave.”

 

“Uh huh.”  Clint says then laughs at the blush that creeps up on Steve.

 

“Clint.”  Nat scolds.

 

“Both of you out.  I’m trying to sleep.  And I’m too wiped to kick Clint’s ass right now.”

 

“Like you could Barnes.”

 

“That a challenge?”  Bucky asks from Steve’s neck.

 

“No.  No it’s not.  Come on **_Clint._** ”  Nat says literally shoving Clint towards the elevator.

 


	7. Chapter Seven

Steve tries to roll over and face Bucky but he just holds him where he is.  Then Bucky shifts again and Steve thinks he might just die.  He counts silently to ten.  It doesn’t help.  Bucky chuckles into his neck.

 

“You’re doing it on purpose.”

 

“No.  I’m really not.  Go on.  Go take a cold shower.  I’m….”   Steve gets up then puts a finger on Bucky’s lips.

 

“Don’t.  I told you I don’t care.  Would it be nice, yeah?   But having you here with me where I can hold you and be with you, it’s enough.”  Bucky smiles then puts his hand on the back of his neck and pulls him in for a kiss.

 

“You’re too good to me you know.”

 

“Do you… do you…. I was really sick… we…..”

 

“You were delirious.  You grabbed me, got me off.   I didn’t stop you.  The next morning you didn’t remember what happened.  I opted not to say anything.  Then a few days later you did remember and I told you not to worry about it.  So what you saying this is your way of repaying it.”

 

“Something like that.”  Steve says happily.

 

“What’s gotten into you?”

 

“You… it’s like I could see it on your face.  I could see you remembering it.”

 

“Okay.”  Bucky says not really understanding.

 

“Go on.  I’m going to go find Sam.  Steve, I’m fine.  Honest.”  Bucky says at the look on Steve’s face.

 

Steve does as Bucky asks.  He comes out of the shower half an hour later to find Bucky pacing their living room.  He goes to Steve and crushes himself to him.  Steve tries to maneuver them to the couch but Bucky swings them towards the bedroom.  Then he’s lying on top of Steve making patterns on his chest.  He doesn’t say anything just lays there.  Steve can tell he’s trying to hold it together.

 

“Don’t leave me.  I know I get violent and scary.  But I’m trying not to.  I really am.”

 

“Buck, what happened?”

 

“Steve, you gotta promise me.  Please.  Don’t….”  Steve lifts Bucky’s chin and looks at him.  What he sees not only scares him a little, it breaks his heart a little more.

 

“Till the end of the line Buck.  I promised you that a long time ago.  You and me.  Now please, talk to me what happened during your talk with Sam?”  Bucky whimpers then.  He clings to Steve more.  Steve runs his hands through Bucky’s hair trying to calm him.  Then Steve hears Sinatra start playing quietly out in the other room.  Soon Bucky’s fast asleep on top of him.

 

“JARVIS?”

 

“Yes Captain?”

 

“Any idea what’s going on?”

 

“Sergeant Barnes had an episode on the roof.  We’re still trying to determine what triggered it.”

 

“Did he hurt anyone?”

 

“No sir.”

 

“What about himself?”

 

“Not as far as Doctor Banner could tell.  I did some scans and found nothing myself.”

 

“Thank you.  Can you put my mix on for me please?”  Steve says referring to the music.

 

“Of course, sir.  Let me know if you need anything else.”

 

Steve shifts slightly to get more comfortable and Bucky wakes up slightly.  He moves with Steve and then is back to sleep.  Steve tries to stay awake but it’s been a rough few days.  He falls asleep only to wake a few minutes later when Bucky cries out.

 

“Buck?”

 

“Sorry.  Go back to sleep.”

 

“I’m awake.  What do you need?”

 

“To be me again.”  He says then sits up.  Steve sits up too and then Bucky rests his head on his shoulder. 

 

“I freaked out on the roof.  Sam was talking to me about what happened during the panic attack this afternoon.  I was explaining to him why I knew what Tony had said and I freaked out. I mean they trained me to when I’d come out of cryrofreeze. They’d start telling me what the mission was even though my head was still clouded from it.   Only I couldn’t tell any of them that.  Couldn’t tell you that either before I fell asleep.  Then I started thinking they were gonna convince you somehow to leave me.  I can’t do this alone.  And I know they’re not.  Pepper would have their heads.  You wouldn’t listen to them anyway.   You’re too damn stubborn.  But then I started thinking you’d decide I wasn’t worth the trouble.”  He says then looks down at their hands. 

 

“Oh Bucky.  Not gonna happen.  I’ve loved you pretty much since I met you.  What can I do?”

 

“You’re doing it.  You sure you don’t want to just turn me over to SHIELD or the government and be done with me?”

 

“Never.”  Steve says kissing his temple.  Bucky shifts for a real kiss then.

 

“Sirs.  I hate to interrupt, but Tony has the results back.”

 

“Thanks, JARVIS.  We’ll be right there.”

 

They head for the lab to find Bruce cursing at whatever is on the screen in front of him.  Tony is pretty much doing the same.  When the two of them see Bucky they quickly swipe away whatever it is their looking at.  Steve raises an eyebrow at both of them while Bucky seems to brace himself for the worst.

 

“Give it to me straight.  Don’t bother sugar coating it because Steve’s here.”

 

“How much…   How much…. Banner a little help here?”  Tony says giving up on asking Bucky anything.

 

“James… you know maybe we should send Simmons all the tests first; have her take a look.  Then talk to him.  Because we could be wrong.  Or missing something.”

 

“You’re right let’s do that.  Give us another couple of hours.  You all right with us sending the tests to her?”

 

“It’s fine.  She offered to help, right?”

 

“She did.  Look. I didn’t get the chance to say anything the other night, I was too busy keeping the other guy at bay, but she offered to help even before she met you.  Said Tripp had been telling her stories his grandfather told him.  I think she genuinely wants to help you any way she can.  No strings attached.  Though I also got the sense if you offered to take her for coffee she wouldn’t say no.”

 

“Send it to her.  We’ll be downstairs.”  Bucky says turning on his heel.

 

“Rogers, do me a favor, ask him about the arm.  I need to know what he remembers.”

 

“Tony.”

 

“Steve, the files are a mess.  Zola says one thing.  The doctors once he’s gone say another.  And don’t get me started on Pierce’s goon squad.  Just talk to him.  If he starts to panic then drop it.  But we’re going to need his help here.”  Bruce says trying diffuse any situation that might occur.

 

“All right.”

 

Steve goes down to the apartment to find it empty.  He heads to common area and finds Bucky sitting on the couch talking to himself.  He soon realizes though, he’s not talking to himself but to JARVIS.  He smiles slightly.  He opts to stay out of sight.

 

“JARVIS, you sure that’s going to work?”

 

“Of course it is sir.  The only problem we might have is Captain Rogers letting you out of his sight long enough for it to be done.  But if we enlist Miss Potts help I think we can achieve our goal.  Shall I ask her to come see you?”

 

“If she’s not too busy.”

 

“Of course sir.”   Steve decides to go into the room then.

 

“Hi.”  He says quietly, leaning down to give Bucky a messy kiss.

 

“Hey.  So go ahead.  Ask what they were too chicken to.”

 

“Bruce says the medical files are spotty to say the least.  He’s just wondering if you can remember anything that might be helpful.  But he said not to push yourself.

 

“JARVIS!”  Bucky calls louder than is probably necessary.

 

“Yes Sergeant Barnes?”

 

“Get everyone to the boardroom by Pepper’s office.  Unless it’s in use.  Get Simmons too if you can.”

 

“Of course sir.”

 

“Buck?”

 

“I really only want to do this once.”  Bucky says giving Steve a look.

 

They go up to the room and everyone’s waiting.  They’ve got Jemma and Tripp on the big video screen.  Bucky sits down and takes a few deep breaths.  He grabs Steve’s hand, then takes a few more deep breaths. 

 

“Zola wasn’t looking to make it a weapon.  Not at first.  It’s just it was the forties.  Prosthetics weren’t as advanced as they are today.  And he really didn’t care what it looked like. Time went on and there were problems.  You’ve seen my shoulder around it.  It got infected in the beginning.  Again, it was the forties.  But I’d had a mutant strain of the serum.  I just got sick.  They cryrofroze me till it wasn’t a problem. 

 

“After Zola there were all these doctors over the years who wanted to make ‘modifications’.  Wanted to improve on the original.  Most of them didn’t work.  They’d have to knock me out in between missions before they put me in the cyro unit.  I remember lots of pain.  It was excruciating most of the time.  I’d be strapped to the table.  They’d make the modifications then wipe me.  If they were truly sadistic they’d let me get just enough back to know I had a real arm before this one.  To know I wasn’t always the weapon they turned me into, even if I had no idea who I was.

 

“I’m not stupid I know none of you can remove it.  I know there’s no way to replace it either.  Pierce’s last set of doctors made sure of that.  But something tells me...”  Bucky stops.  He looks down at his and Steve’s joined hands.

 

“It’s not good.  I know it’s not.  It’s what Pierce wanted.  It was Pierce’s way of making sure I’d never fall into enemy hands.”

 

Bucky stops and gets up and walks out of the room.  The silence is deafening for all of a minute.  Tony is pulling up the x-rays they’ve done.  Jemma is reading through the new test results while Bruce starts pouring over all of the previous files.  Nat takes a couple of them to look at as well.  Steve grabs the one from Pierce’s doctors and starts going through it.  None of it makes any sense.  He slams it closed and starts to pace.

 

“Go check on him.  You’re not doing anyone any good in here.”  Tony orders.

 

“I can’t just sit and do nothing.”

 

“Then do him.  I don’t care just go.  The pacing is driving me nuts.”  Tony says not bothering to look up.   Steve just glares then goes down to the apartment.

 

Bucky is out on the balcony staring out at the Bridge.  Steve goes and wraps his arms around him from behind.  Bucky moves away and grabs onto the railing.  One second he’s standing on the balcony the next he’s sitting on the railing scaring Steve to death.

 

“Bucky?”  He doesn’t say anything in response, but he reaches out his flesh hand for Steve to take.

 

They stay like that for a while.  Steve isn’t sure how much time passes but it starts to get dark.  Bucky swings back onto the balcony and leads Steve into the bedroom.  He still is refusing to talk.  Steve tries not to worry.

 

“Bucky?”

“Pierce did modifications to it.  It should have killed me by now.  It’s why I was wincing earlier.  JARVIS was poking at things.  I was worried it was going to…. But it didn’t.  I don’t understand why.”

 

“Okay.  It’s going to be okay.  Tony and Bruce and Ms. Simmons will figure something out.  We can call Jane Foster too if we have to.  It’s going to be fine.”  Steve isn’t sure which one of them he’s trying to convince. 

 

Bucky just nods.  He lays down then pulls Steve next to him.  They lay in silence for a while and Steve feels himself start to drift off.  He wakes up though when Bucky moves to get the door a while later.

 

“It’s Pepper.  I’ll be back.  Stay here.”  Bucky says.  Steve wants to protest but Bucky's gone before he can, leaving Steve to wonder what he's up to.

 


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys make sure you read the tags. I've added things. I didn't add actual warnings because I'm not sure it's going to go where the warnings warn for. Thanks to everyone who's left kudos and comments. They're much appreciated. Hope you still enjoy after this chapter.

Bucky doesn’t come back for a little over an hour.  Steve is just about to start watching one of the Sean Connery Bond films when he does.  Steve’s brain short circuits.  He just stares at Bucky.  He wonders when it got so hot in the room.  He realizes Bucky’s shifting foot to foot and staring down at them as he does.

 

“You don’t like it.”  It’s not a question.

 

“Uh, um…”  Steve’s brain is still shorting out apparently, so he goes and presses himself as close to Bucky as he can and then kisses him like he did that first night all those years ago.  Bucky moans into the kiss then chuckles.  He pulls away and rests their foreheads together.

 

“That bad huh, punk.”

 

“Yeah.  You need to come with a warning.”

 

“It’s not too long in the front?  I mean I told Pepper how I kinda wanted it.”

 

“You look really good.”  Steve says kissing him and rutting against him.

 

“Oh God.  Steve.”

 

“Sorry, I’ll just go take a…”  Bucky silences him with a kiss.

 

“Let me.  I think I can manage a little something.”  Bucky says reaching for Steve’s zipper.

 

“Bucky... you don’t…Okay I know I…”  Steve lets out a moan.  He comes quicker than he’d like.

 

“Wow.”  He says slumping against Bucky.

 

“You always did say I had magic hands.  Oh that sounded less corny in my head.”

 

“Hmmm.”  Steve says cuddling up to him.  Bucky chuckles and then picks him up.

 

“Nice to know that hasn’t changed.  Come on you.  Bed.”  Steve just nods and curls into the crook of Bucky’s arms. 

 

Bucky takes him to bed and Steve just curls up on top of him.  They lay like that for a while and trade lazy kisses.  It gets heated again, and this time, to Steve’s surprise Bucky doesn’t stop it.  Not until Steve goes to return the favor.  He wraps the metal hand around Steve’s wrist.

 

“Too much?”  Steve asks dreading the answer.  Knowing it’s one more thing he couldn’t save Bucky from.

 

“Yeah.  Sorry.”  Bucky moves Steve off him and gets up.  He goes into the bathroom and just hangs his head.  Steve’s about to say something when Bucky reaches out and smashes the mirror.

 

“Buck.”  Steve says going for the first aid supplies.  Bucky pulls his hand away and leaves the room.

 

“Let me just…”  The look Bucky gives him makes him back up just a bit.  They stare at each other for what feels like an eternity to Steve.

 

“I’m going to put them on the counter, all right.  Just bandage it so it doesn’t get infected.”  Steve does so then goes back into the bedroom.  He fights to keep himself in check, but he knows things aren’t good.  He knows something’s happened 

 

Bucky comes back out and faces away from Steve.  He shifts to the edge of the bed when Steve tries to hold him.  _Oh we’ve taken every step backward_ Steve thinks to himself.  He lays awake trying to figure out if Bucky’s asleep.  But then he hears the choked sob and acts.  He wraps himself around Bucky and just holds him, luckily he doesn’t try to move away again and they end up staying like that.

 

“You can tell Pepper to let you have another apartment.”  Bucky says quietly.

 

“Why would I do that?”  Steve asks shifting so he can run his hand through Bucky’s hair.

 

“I can’t… we can’t….”

 

“Do you know why I always said you had magic hands?  Do you remember?”  Bucky shakes his head.

 

“It wasn’t because you gave me amazing hand jobs.  Although, you always did.  It was because I’d be having an asthma attack and all you had to do was start rubbing my back or my chest and I’d be able to breathe through it.  I never understood how you made it happen.  You’d always tell me it was magic.  You do know we only made love once right.  And I can count on both hand the amount of hand jobs we gave each other.  Bucky, we weren’t all that physical before.  But I loved you and for me it was enough.  So when I tell you I don’t care if we’re physical I mean it.  Yes it’d be nice, because well from what I remember it was pretty amazing.  But I don’t need it to happen. And I’m sorry if you’ve felt like I’ve been pressuring you.  I never meant to do that.”

 

“We… only once?  Really?”

 

“Yeah.  The night of the expo.  We were fighting about me enlisting.  One second you were screaming at me.  The next you were kissing me and then it went from there.”

 

“Move over a bit.”  Bucky says.  Steve does and then Bucky is curled into his side, resting his head on his shoulder.

 

“You’re not counting the next morning? Because… Steve please tell me I’m not remembering it wrong.  Steve just blushes right up to his hair line.  Bucky snorts.

 

“So we made love twice.”

 

“It was a disaster.”

 

“I got off didn’t I?  So did you.  That counts.”  Steve just smiles small.

 

“Disaster.”

 

“You just needed a little practice… Um Steve?”

 

“What?”

 

“I’m supposed to be the one with the memory issues ya know.”  Steve can see it on his face.  He knows Bucky’s remembering something.  The gleam is back as well.  It flashes through Steve’s mind as well and he blushes again.  It’s the kind of blush that makes him feel hot all over.

 

“That doesn’t count.  You were really out of it.”  Steve says trying to get Bucky to drop it.

 

“Oh no I was not.  I have a very clear picture in my head of me under you.  I don’t seem to be minding all that much.”  Steve ducks his head and shifts around a bit.

 

“Okay we need to change the subject now.”  Just like that Bucky deflates.  He curls away from Steve, but stays facing him.

 

“Sorry.”  Bucky says quiet again.

 

“No.  Don’t.  It’s okay.  We’ll take this as slow as you need.”

 

“I want it back you know that, right?  I just can’t.  I start out fine.  I’m here I’m with you and then suddenly I’m back in that room strapped to that table with Pierce’s goons and I can’t get back here to you.  And I can’t say to you Steve kiss me bring me back to the now because I can’t fucking get the words out.  And all I want is for you to touch me.  To make me feel amazing like you did that night in the camp.  And I can’t ask you for it because I can’t get it out.  I just want you.  I just want to remember you.  I just want you.”  Bucky finishes quietly.  Steve’s holding him so tight he’s sure he’s crushing him, but he refuses to let him go.

 

“I love you.  You’re safe, you’re here with me.  I am **_never_** going to let anyone hurt you ever again.  I promise you.”

 

“Till the end of the line?”  Bucky asks.  Steve lets out a shaky breath before answering.

 

“End of the line, always.”

 

Bucky falls into a fitful sleep.  Steve is up the whole night.  He doesn’t let Bucky go.  If anything he holds tighter.  JARVIS puts his mix on for him quietly in the living room and he wonders how much he knows.  He wonders how much he’s told everyone else.  He supposes they’ll find out in the morning.  Bucky wakes once to twice in the night and kisses Steve’s chest before letting sleep claim him once more.

 

 


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note the tags gang.

Steve wakes alone.  He tries to stay calm.  He gets out of bed and goes into the living room only to find Bucky curled up on the floor.  He’s sound asleep between the coffee table and the couch.  Steve moves the table then lays down next to him.  Bucky reaches for Steve and then practically crushes him.

 

“I had a nightmare.  I didn’t want to wake you.  You’d just fallen asleep.”

 

“You could’ve woken me.”  Steve says trying to roll over, or even get comfortable.  Bucky’s starting to fall back to sleep but won’t let him move.

 

“You want to move back to the bed or up onto the couch?”

 

“Stay here.”  Bucky says.  He doesn’t actually sound like he’s falling asleep but something’s not right.

 

“Okay.  Can I roll over and face you?”

 

“No.  Like this.”  Steve just smiles and kisses Bucky’s hand.

 

“Don’t do that.”

 

“Why not?” Steve hopes he doesn’t sound hurt.

 

“It’s the weapon.”  Steve goes ramrod straight at that.  How did he miss this?  This isn’t Bucky…well it is but he’s not dealing with him right now.  This is the soldier.

 

Steve cranes his neck to watch Bucky carefully.  He can’t get up because Bucky won’t let him.  He shifts slightly to get more comfortable.  Bucky goes still then the hold goes slack.  Steve rolls to face him and his heart breaks.  It’s like Bucky’s just lying there waiting to be hurt or worse.  Steve knows what he’s about to do could get him seriously injured but he also knows what Bucky used to like when he’d had a rough day.  Steve lays so that he’s parallel with Bucky then shifts Bucky so his head is in Steve’s lap with Steve’s back against the couch.  Then Steve starts running his fingers through Bucky’s hair.  Every now and then he’ll drop a kiss on his forehead.  It takes a while but Bucky slowly starts to relax.  And then he’s in Steve’s lap clinging to him.

 

“Steve.”

 

“I’ve got you.”  Steve says kissing his temple.

 

“Don’t let go.”  Bucky says shifting more into his arms.  He rests his head on Steve’s shoulder and tries to wrap himself even more around him.

 

“Do you want to move the table?  Set up the cushions?”

 

“Please.”  Bucky says getting up.  He moves the table and when he turns back to help Steve with the cushions Steve’s breath catches.  He stops what he’s doing and just hugs him.

 

“What?”  Bucky asks when he pulls away.

 

“Nothing.”  Steve says fixing the cushions the way they like them.

 

“I can just stay out here alone.”

 

“No, you can’t.  I just... you looked… I just wanted to give you a hug is all.”

 

“Oh.  Okay. Can you do it again?”  Steve smiles and does so.  They stay like that for a few minutes then Bucky is pulling Steve down with him and resting his head on Steve’s chest.

 

“Can you…. Would you… I know you need a break from me… but would you be willing to….”

 

“What do you need Buck?”

 

“Cancel your run later.”

 

“JARVIS will let Sam know I’m sure.  And I don’t need a break from you.   Don’t ever think that.”  Bucky just snuggles into him more.  He makes patterns on Steve’s chest.  Steve starts to drift off again.  Then he hears Bucky speak.

 

“They used to strap me to the table and just run their hands all over me.  I hated it but there was nothing I could do.  I mean they… they had me strapped to the table the gag would be in and then they’d….  Pierce knew it was happening.  He never stopped it.  I’d just lay there crying silently and he’d give the order for the wipe.”  Bucky gets up then and races into the bathroom.  Steve’s right behind him.

 

Bucky gets sick.  Steve just stands there, his hand hovers over Bucky’s back, but given what Bucky’s just told him he doesn’t want to chance scaring him by rubbing his back.  Bucky shifts so he’s leaning against the tub.  He glances over at Steve and motions for him to come sit next to him.

 

“You okay, punk.”

 

“I should be asking you that, shouldn’t I?”

 

“It wasn’t your fault, Steve.  You and I both know if you’d had any idea I was alive you would have moved heaven and earth to rescue me.  Look I can talk to Sam about this.  Or Bruce.”

 

“ ** _No._**   I’m all right.  I just hate that you had to go through it.”

 

“You can touch me, ya know.”  Bucky says as if reading Steve’s mind.  He smiles small.  It’s like it used to be.

 

“Come here then.”  Bucky moves into Steve’s arms and leans back.

 

“It’s a good thing neither of us needs a lot of sleep.”  Bucky tries for joking.  It falls flat.

 

“Sirs, I hate to interrupt, but Miss Potts is outside.  She wanted to check on Sergeant Barnes.  Shall I tell her to come back later?”

 

“Yeah, please.  And JARVIS can this just stay between Steve and I for now?”

 

“I shall try to not be offended you’ve just asked that Sergeant.  But of course it will.  Should you wish to talk to anyone else I shall be more than happy to make sure it is in the most private of conditions.”

 

“Thanks.”  Bucky says with a smile.

 

“You do realize he’s not an actual human being, right?”  Steve says chuckling.

 

“You do realize he’s a lot like Howard, right?”

 

“I never thought of it that way.  But you’re right he does seem to be the only one who can keep Tony in line.  Well, Pepper can but I suspect that’s because Tony’s sweet on her and always has been.”  Steve says smiling slightly.  Bucky just chuckles.

 

“You’re probably right.  God, I feel disgusting.”

 

“You want to shower?  I can go grab us breakfast.”

 

“Yeah.  C’mere, you.”  Bucky says pulling Steve in for a hug.  Steve holds on tight.

 

“Give me half an hour.  I’ll meet you upstairs.”

 

“Sounds good.”

 

Steve goes upstairs to find Sam back from his run.  He nods and sets about making scrambled eggs.  Tony comes up behind him and grabs the coffee pot and a piece of toast off the plate Sam’s set out.  He nods to Steve then goes to sit down at the island.  He looks exhausted still.  Bucky comes up just as Steve’s finishing plating their food.  He goes and kisses the back of Steve’s neck as he plucks a piece of bacon from one of the plates.

 

“Hey that was gonna be mine.  Yours is the one with the ketchup, jerk.”

 

“Like you really care, punk.”

 

“Nice hair, Barnes.”  Tony says as Bucky sits down next to him.

 

“Thanks.  It needed to go.”

 

“Good morning, James.”  Pepper says coming in.  She ruffles his hair and give him a hug from behind as she passes to get coffee.

 

“What about me?”  Tony pouts.  Pepper steps up to him and kisses him.

 

“Better?”

 

“Yes.  So what’s on the agenda for today?”

 

“I’ve got a few meetings in the morning.  Then I have a few meetings for James.  Then I’m free for the rest of the afternoon.  Lunch at one?”

 

“If I can fit you in.”  Tony says lightly.

 

“What could you possibly have that would require you to not be free at one?”

 

“I have a sparring session with the big guy.”

 

“What?!  Why?  That was just… Maria and Nick.  Okay I am not going to worry about this.  You’re going to be fine.  JARVIS will make sure the suit protects you.”  Bucky just gets up and goes to the elevator.  Steve’s got his back to him putting the pans in the sink but the second he hears the ding he turns.

 

“Shit.”  Steve says. Tony’s head whips around at that.

 

“Don’t Tony.  Just don’t.  I am not in the mood right now.”

 

“Steve?”  Pepper asks.

 

“It’s fine.  I’ve just got to go.  Wait, where’s Sam?”

 

“Mr. Wilson went with Sergeant Barnes, Captain.”

 

“Oh.  All right, thank you JARVIS,” Steve isn’t surprised when he hears Bucky’s voice coming over the speakers.

 

“I should just leave.  It’d be better that way.”

 

“For who?  Because Steve would be miserable.  And he worry about you constantly.  Look, we all knew going into this it wasn’t going to be easy for you.  We knew there were going to be times you’d relapse.  Steve knew the risks.  He also believes with everything he is your worth it.  And JARVIS will protect Tony from the big guy.  I’m about to get myself in trouble with Natasha here so you better have my back when she finds out.  But she, well before you came back, she’d try to set Steve up with girls.  He’d always beg off.  He’d always be too busy to really call them.  I just figured it was because girls now a days were a bit more… well more.  But then we ran into you and the way he talked about you she and I knew.  So she started trying to find guys to set him up with.  But then she realized none of them were good enough.  It’s not that Steve’s gay.  Not that he’s straight.  What you two have goes beyond classification.  Least that’s what she said.  What I’m trying to say is he’s not going to be happy with anyone else.  And you could run.  But I’m telling you, he’d just find you.  He’s stubborn like that.  But then you know that better than any of us.”

 

“I’m more messed up then he realized.  I’m not sure he thinks I’m worth the risk anymore.  I know I don’t.  I should just turn myself over to Coulson.”

 

“What happened?  Look you don’t have to tell me.”

 

“JARVIS.  Turn it off.”  Steve says.

 

“Of course Captain.”  JARVIS says.

 

“Don’t JARVIS, just don’t pipe it to the lab.”  Tony says getting up.  Pepper follows suit and they leave the room.  Once again Steve wonders how he’s going to repay Tony for all of this.

 

“Let me get this straight.  They not only physically and psychologically tortured you but they sexually assaulted you as well.  What did Steve say?”  That’s Sam.  Steve notices he’s got the tone he uses for the VA meetings.

 

“Not much.  What can he say?  I told him he could get his own place though, and he balked at that.  So I guess that’s something.  I just really think it’d be better for everyone if I wasn’t here.”

 

“No it wouldn’t be.  You wouldn’t be able to get the help you need.  And that’s the important thing.  Steve worrying, that’s secondary.  I know I keep using that to keep you here, but that’s because I want you to get help.  You deserve to get to have a life.  You deserve to be happy.  You deserve to find a place in Brooklyn for you and Steve, get a dog, adopt a kid or two, get married.  Whatever.” 

 

“We can’t do that.”  Bucky says sadly.

 

“Can too.  Governor made it legal about three years ago.”

 

“Steve wouldn’t want that.  Not with me.  Not now.”

 

“You sure about that?”

 

“Yeah.  Considering I can’t even let him give me a hand job.  Okay sorry you don’t really need the details.”

 

“James, he loves you with everything he is.  Trust me if you asked him he’d marry you today.”

 

“Yeah right.  Look Sam I appreciate what you’re trying to do here but I’d really like to be alone.”

 

“All right.  I’m not going to push today.  But you know where to find me if you need me.”

 

“Yeah.  Thanks.  Steve, just stay upstairs for a bit.  I’m going to take a nap.”

 

“He was listening?  Really, how’d you know?”

 

“I know him.  JARVIS also knows if I hadn’t wanted him to I would have said something.  Now go talk to him will you.”  Bucky says turning towards the bedroom.  Sam just shakes his head as he leaves.

 

Sam goes up to the common room and, just as he’s about to get off the elevator, he tells JARVIS to pipe what’s about to happen down to Bucky.  JARVIS agrees to.  He finds Steve standing in the kitchen doing the dishes.  He can tell by Steve’s posture though he’s about to explode with anger.

 

“I don’t care if we never have sex again.  I just want him.  He told me he couldn’t do this alone.  I can’t either.  Nat’s right, if it’s not him then I don’t want anyone else.  Why can’t he understand that?”

 

“Steve, it’s what they took from him.  And now he’s so broken it’s all he sees.  He doesn’t see what you do.  He doesn’t think he’s the strong one.  He doesn’t think he’s worth loving.  And while he may know you won’t leave him he thinks it’s because you feel like you’re obligated not to.   Right now he can’t equate the fact that you love him with your not wanting to leave him.”

 

“I wasn’t kidding when I said when I had nothing I always had him.  I never worried about myself.  I used to get so sick.  He’d be so afraid I wasn’t going to wake up some days.  But I always knew I would.  He’d tell you it’s because I was too stubborn to die.  But that wasn’t it.  I just didn’t want to leave him.  He would have been fine.  I know that now.  But back then I used to worry he’d drink himself to death or get into a fight just so he could die too.  And then when he fell….  I got it then.  I realized it was the same for me.  I didn’t want to be here if he wasn’t.  I should have let go of the train.  I shouldn’t have waited.  I should have just let go and fallen too.”

 

“Yes because that would have been a brilliant idea.”

 

“Haven’t you heard?   I was full of them back then.  Sam, what do I do?  How do I help him?”

 

“You do what you’ve been doing.  You hold him when it gets too much for him to keep it together.  You tell him you love him until he really believes it again.  And you don’t give up on him. Which considering how stubborn you are I know won’t be a problem for you.  He’s going to get there, it’s just going to take a while and it’s not going to be easy.”  Sam says.

 

“Thanks, Sam.”

“You don’t have to thank me.  Hey, let me ask you something.  If he asked you to marry him, would you?”

 

“I…  We can do that right.  They made it legal in New York right after I woke up didn’t they?”

 

“They did.”

 

“Then I’d do it in a heartbeat.”

 

“All right then.  You gonna go down there?”

 

“Not yet.  I’m too angry.  And he didn’t sleep well last night.  I’m going to let him be.  He asked me to leave him alone.  I’m going to.”

 

“Okay.  Look, just so you know…”  Sam starts.

 

“You had JARVIS pipe our talk down to Bucky?  I figured as much.”

 

“You all right with that?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“Captain, Sergeant Barnes is requesting your presence, sir.”

 

“I’m on my way, JARVIS.”

 

Steve finds Bucky sitting out on the balcony with his feet up on the railing.  He watches him for a minute, then goes to join him in one of the other chairs only to have Bucky pull him into his lap.  He rests his head on Bucky’s shoulder and joins their hands.  Bucky kisses his temple.

 

“Did you mean it?”  Bucky asks quietly.

 

“Mean what?”

 

“That you’d say yes if I asked.”

 

“Why don’t you ask me and find out.”

 

“Steve.”

 

“Hmmm?”  Steve says snuggling into the crook of Bucky’s neck more. 

 

“Marry me.”

 

“Tell me when and where.  I’ll be there in my dress uniform.”  Bucky tightens his hold and then lifts up Steve’s chin for a kiss.

 

“You’re not just… you really would.”  Bucky says.  Steve thinks he sounds surprised.

 

“Of course I would.  I love you.  And because you need me to be, I am going to 100% honest with you.  It was never Peggy I thought about being with after the war.  It was always you.  I didn’t start thinking I could be with Peggy until after the train.  And even then I wasn’t sure.  Because honestly I’d rather have been with you.”

 

“No.  No you wouldn’t have.  I wouldn’t have wanted it for you.”  Bucky says quietly.

 

“Oh, Buck.”  Steve kisses him softly then.

 

“You sure you’re okay with us just being like this?”  Steve doesn’t answer right away.  He feels Bucky stiffen and he leans in and kisses him softly again.  Then he chooses his words carefully.

 

“I think I was in love with you the second I saw you.  I never dreamed we’d have what we did.  I was always so afraid of telling you how I felt.  I figured you’d run screaming.  You’d tell me you’d never want to see me again.  Or worse you’d beat me up.  But then the night of the expo happened and I thought, even though you never said it, I thought maybe you felt the same way.  But I didn’t get my hopes up, you were so drunk.  And the next morning… well it really was a disaster.  Then Zola happened and the warehouse explosion and you telling me you weren’t going to leave without me.  I knew for sure then.  Do you remember what you told me that night once we got back to camp?”

 

“I told you I needed to feel close to you then I practically threw myself at you.  So what you saying you’re willing to wait for me to do that again?” 

 

“Yes.  And if it never happens, then it never happens.  Bucky, we were never really about sex.  It was always just an added bonus.  I just want to know I can still hold you.  Kissing is nice too, but if it’s too much then it’s too much.  But not holding you, or having you hold me, not sure I can do that.”

 

“Steve.”  Bucky chokes out.

 

“Hey, no.  Don’t do that.  I didn’t tell you all that so you’d get upset.  I told you that so you’d understand.”  Bucky kisses him again.

 

“Come on you need sleep.”  Steve says.

 

“I want to stay out here.

 

‘Okay.  Anything you want.  Do you want to stretch out on the chaise?”

 

“No.  Want to keep you in my lap.”  Steve just kisses the side of Bucky’s neck.  Bucky’s asleep in minutes.  Steve shifts slightly then lets himself doze.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is very short, compared to the others. There's also very little Steve this chapter. (I think the Steve half of the muse took a nap)

They both wake up a few hours later with cricks in their necks.  Bucky’s back is killing him and Steve’s foot is asleep.  Yet neither of them make any move to get up.  They stay where they are and trade lazy kisses until they’re interrupted by Pepper requesting a meeting with Bucky at two to discuss something.  When he asks if Tony will be done sparring by then, Pepper informs them both the sparring session has been cancelled; because as far as she’s concerned both Nick and Maria can go to hell if they think she’s going to allow Tony to spar with the Hulk, even if he would be in the suit. 

 

“Wish I could have seen it when you told them both.”  Bucky says.

 

“It really wasn’t all that amazing.  I’ll see you at two.  I’ve got to run.  I have another meeting to get to.”

 

“JARVIS?”

 

“Yes Sergeant Barnes?”

 

“Is Pepper going to have lunch with Tony?”

 

“Unfortunately no.  Tony’s running tests on one of the prototypes and Miss Potts has meetings all afternoon.”

 

“Thanks.  Up, punk.”  Steve gives Bucky one last peck on the lips then does as he asks.

 

Bucky heads to the elevator then down to the lab.  He finds Tony going over the test results from the other day.  Jemma is on the video screen relaying information to him from tests she’s run.  They both clam up once they realize he’s there.

 

“Sorry to interrupt.  I just wondered what Pepper liked to eat.  She’s not going to have time to grab lunch and I’ve got a late afternoon meeting with her.  Thought I’d whip something up.”

 

“You... Jemma give us just a second.”  Jemma nods and the screen goes black.

 

“You know you don’t have to do that right? None of us expect you do things for us.”

 

“Tony, she’s going to work till what eight or nine tonight?  She needs to eat something.  Besides, cooking for Steve used to relax me.  I promise to not burn the place down if that’s what you’re worried about.”

 

“I’m not worried about that.  Oh and there’s already a new mirror in your bathroom.  Or should be by the time you get back from that meeting.”

 

“Sorry about that.”

 

“Don’t be.  I get it, better than you might think.  Well… I mean the need to just punch something to get your emotions under control.  No one’s said a word about anything otherwise.”

 

“I know.  I appreciate you not asking.”

 

“Uh huh.  Hang on Barnes. Let me see the arm for just a second.  This might sting a bit.”  Tony does something and pain shoots up into Bucky’s shoulder.  It’s not something he’s felt on that side for a very long time.  It takes him by surprise but he doesn’t cry out. 

 

“All right, what the hell was that, Stark?”  He asks angrily.

 

“Sorry.  Seriously, I didn’t think it was going to do that.  It another test.  I wanted to check for nerves.  There should only be nerves still in your shoulder but I’m guessing not.  I want to get another x-ray.  You up for that?”

 

“Can.. Can…  I want Steve.” Bucky doesn’t say it out loud, only mouths his wanting Steve there, and yet JARVIS seems to know.

 

“Sir, Captain Rogers will be down momentarily.  Might I suggest we wait until he arrives?”

 

“What did you do to my AI Barnes?”  Tony asks, only half-joking.

 

“Sir, it’s not like it isn’t common knowledge the Sergeant doesn’t like having x-rays.  Captain Rogers has a calming effect on him.”  JARVIS says, hoping to shut Tony up.

 

“Buck, you all right?  Tony what the hell did you do to upset him?”  Steve asks as he comes into the room.

 

“Steve, it’s okay.  Tony just ran a test.  It went a little wrong.  I’m fine.  He wants to get another x-ray.  That’s why I wanted you here.”

 

“Oh.”  Steve says calming down.  Bucky kisses him and then tells Tony to go ahead.  They’re kicked out of the lab shortly thereafter.

 

Bucky makes Pepper a whole meal.  There’s a baked lemon chicken recipe he found with JARVIS’s help.  There’s a baked potato, with the works, because he’s not sure what she’s going to want on it.  And then he steams up some vegetables.  He makes a salad too in case she’d rather have that.  He cuts up some strawberries and grapes for her for desert.  He refuses to let Steve have any until he’s back from his meeting. 

 

Bucky has a pretty good idea what Pepper wants to meet with him about, and while he’s not comfortable keeping things from Steve, he doesn’t want to get Steve’s hopes up either.  He’s not entirely sure he’s cut out for traditional therapy.  So every time Steve asks Bucky stays mum and promises to explain later.  He tries not to get nervous.  It’s just a meeting.  For all he knows she’s going to tell him, given how messed up he is, she couldn’t find anyone.  He finds Sam waiting with Pepper when he arrives.

 

“Look, man, I’ve got enough of the proper training.  We’ve already got a rapport going.  And given what you told me this morning Pepper and I thought I was the best option.  If you really want someone else I won’t be offended.  I’ll even help you find the right person.”

 

“You sure about this?”  Bucky asks.  Because if he’s completely honest with himself he’d hoped Sam would offer.

 

“Wouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t.  And before you ask, I didn’t give Pepper any of the details, I just told her it was more personal than the other things.  I can always find us someone to sit in too, if you want that.”  Bucky sits down and looks at the floor.

 

“I’m going to go take my lunch down to the lab.  I’ll be back in about half an hour?”

 

“Pepper, we can go somewhere else.  I don’t want to kick you out of your office.”  Bucky says.

 

“James, Tony needs to see this so he can be even more jealous of you than he already is.  It’ll get me a trip to Paris for dinner maybe, if I’m lucky.”  She says ruffling his hair and laughing softly.  Then she’s gone.

 

“You all right?”  Sam asks once the door closes.

 

“I don’t know.  I wanted you to offer.  But now.  It isn’t that I don’t want to get better I do.  I don’t..”

 

“You’re a little afraid of the James Barnes that’s gonna come out at the other end of all of this?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I’m going to ask you something, and I want you to think about it before you answer.  Are you afraid for you, that you’re not going to like the new you? Or are you afraid Steve won’t?”  Bucky thinks about it for all of a minute before he answers.

 

“A little of both.  I mean I can handle not liking myself.  I don’t right now, so it won’t be any different.  But if Steve doesn’t like what he finds after all of the therapy’s done, I don’t know what I’d do.”

 

“I don’t really think you’re going to have to find out.  But, and I will only do this once, if you wanted I’d be willing to talk to him.  Kinda feel him out.”  Bucky suddenly feels like Sam is giving him a test, but he’s pretty sure he knows the right answer.

 

“No.  I’m going to talk to him when I go downstairs.  I promised him I would.  And it may take me hours to get it out, but I’m going to do it.  Can he come to you still?  I don’t want to take you away from him.”

 

“Yeah.  Look, it’s not going to be anything formal, confidentiality wise.  I don’t have the proper degrees for that, which is why I originally didn’t offer.  But we keep the same deal we had going.  I don’t tell Steve what we talk about I don’t tell you what he and I talk about.  Unless you or he tell me I can.  Earlier today notwithstanding.”

 

“All right let’s give this a shot.  But not today.  Let me tell him what’s going on.”

 

“Morning run, you and me tomorrow?”

 

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

 

“You know the time.  Meet you in the common area?”

 

“Sounds good.  And Sam?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You can call me Bucky, if ya want.”

 


	11. Chapter Eleven

Bucky doesn’t give Sam a chance to respond.  He leaves the board room and heads for his and Steve’s apartment.  Steve is sitting out on the balcony sketching the sky line.  Bucky watches him for a bit then goes and wraps his arms around Steve’s neck.  He kisses his temple then settles in the chair next to him.

 

“I made a few decisions you need to know about.”  He says.  He’s not going to beat around the bush.  Not with this. 

 

“All right.  Do they involve you leaving?  Cause Buck, you can but I’m just going to follow you.”  Steve says finishing a line he’s in the middle of drawing then putting the sketch book down.

 

“No.  I’m gonna stay.  I want to stay with you.  I asked Pepper to try and find me someone to talk to.  That’s what the meeting was about.  But well, Sam offered.  And I took him up on it.  Unless you don’t want me to.  I mean he said he’d help find someone for me.  It’s just he already knows a lot.  And I’m already comfortable with him.  But if you’re not comfortable with it I’ll tell him to help Pepper find someone else.”  Bucky says in a rush.

 

“It’s fine.  I was hoping he would.  Why do I get the sense there’s more.”

 

“There is.  And this might upset you more.  But well, it’s what I want.  So I’m hoping you’re going to be okay with it.”  He says nervously.  Steve reaches over and takes his hand.

 

“Just tell me.  As long as it’s not that you’re leaving me I’m going to be fine.”

 

“I told Sam he could call me Bucky.  And I want to tell Pepper she can too.” 

 

“You thought I’d be mad about that?  Why?”

 

“Because it was just you.  I just let you do it since I’ve been back.”

 

“I… it wasn’t… I mean it was… but… it wasn’t like it… I…”  Steve stops.  He knows he has to be careful here.  Or at least he feels like he does.

 

“Everyone used to call you Bucky.  And while it meant a lot to me that I was the only one you felt comfortable with doing it now, I always knew that wasn’t going to last forever.  It means you’re getting better.  And that’s more important to me than being the only one who can call you by your name.”

 

“I know.  I just… I don’t know it felt like it was something special between us ya know.  Maybe I should tell him I take it back.”

 

“Is that really what you want to do?”

 

“No.  But if it’s what you wanted.”  Steve gets up and kneels down in front of Bucky’s chair.  Then he joins both of their hands and makes sure Bucky is looking him in the eye.

 

“What I want more than anything is for you to do what makes you happy.  What makes you feel good about things now.  I want you to get better.  And this may not seem like a big step to anyone else, but I know you.   I know this isn’t something you decided easily.  So if you want to tell Pepper and Sam they can call you Bucky, if that’s going to make you happy, then I want it too.”  Bucky leans down and kisses him then pulls him into his lap.

 

“I love you.”  Bucky says kissing him again.

 

“I love you too.  Now I do believe you promised me food.”

 

“In a little while punk.  Right now I want to hold you and look at your drawings like I used to.”  Steve just stares at him.

 

“You all right.”

 

“I… you used to look at my drawings?  When?”

 

“After you’d fall asleep.  I had to do something to keep myself awake until you’d been asleep for a little while.  I didn’t want to fall asleep too soon after you did because I’d worry about you waking up with a coughing fit.  So I’d grab your sketchbooks.  You’re not mad are you?”

 

“Of course not.  I just didn’t think you ever looked at them.”

 

“All the time.  You were really good.  I especially… Steve what happened to the sketchbook you kept under the loose board on your side of the bed?”

 

“I don’t… oh we should probably track that one down.  I’ll see if JARVIS can get me a name for the Smithsonian.”

 

“Yeah could you.  Cause if I’m remembering right we need to get that back.”

 

“We do.”  Steve says with a chuckle and a peck on Bucky’s lips. 

 

Bucky smiles and deepens the kiss a bit.  It’s Steve who pulls back.  Then he hands Bucky the book off the table.  Bucky flips a few pages and smiles widely.  The drawings are just as good as they were seventy odd years ago.  Some of them have gotten better.  Steve’s shading on a few of them has improved.  He mentions it to Steve who preens at the compliment.  He flips to one page and stiffens.  It’s a portrait of him, but it’s not of him from before.  It’s of him now.  That doesn’t really bother him.  It’s not what’s made him stiffen.  It’s the fact that Steve has managed to put everything that goes on in his head every second of every day into that picture.  And he’s managed to do it with a pencil.  It scares Bucky a bit.

 

“Buck?”

 

“Do you let anyone look at these?”

 

“Just Sam and Nat.  I have another one I let Pepper look at.  Why?”

 

“Could you... Could we…  No, it’s fine.  This is fine.”

 

“Bucky, what is it?”  Steve says running a hand through Bucky’s hair.  Even though the angle hurts.

 

“Don’t show that one, okay?  Not yet.”

 

“Oh.”  Steve takes the sketchbook and rips the drawing out.  Then he goes into their bedroom and puts it in his nightstand drawer.

 

“You didn’t have to do that.” 

 

“I don’t mind.  Now what else is bugging you?”  Steve asks taking the chair next to Bucky.

 

Bucky doesn’t say anything at first.  He’s not sure how he’s going to explain to Steve what Sam asked him about.  On the one hand he’s not sure he really wants to know what Steve’s answer will be and on the other he knows he has to ask for his own peace of mind.  He takes a deep breath.

 

“C’mere.” Bucky says reaching for Steve.

 

“Hmm?”  Steve asks as he settles back into Bucky’s lap.

 

“I want to get better.  I do.  But I just worry that the me that comes out of the therapy is going to be someone you don’t think you can love anymore.”

 

“Bucky.”  Steve says.

 

He doesn’t say anymore for a bit.  He needs time to figure out how to explain things to Bucky in a way that doesn’t upset him or scare him off.  Steve finds himself cursing Zola and Pierce, not for the first time, in his head.  He hates that he can’t talk to Bucky anymore.  Bucky starts to shift under him and Steve kisses his temple to calm him.  Then he chooses his words extra carefully.

 

“That’s never going to happen.  I’m going to be right here helping you every step of the way.” Steve says even though he feels like it’s not enough.  Knows it’s not really.  But then Bucky cups his cheek and kisses him like he did the night of the expo and Steve thinks maybe he’s said the right thing after all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably going to be the last update until Saturday sometime. I usually go to Starbucks, have my coffee and write on the weekends. But you guys have been so wonderful with the comments and kudos that I've been updating more regularly than that. But then again who knows what the muses are going to want.


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised here's today's update.

Bucky ends the kiss and settles a bit more in the chair.  It causes Steve to move so he’s more in the crook of Bucky’s neck.  Steve kisses his neck and sighs.  He smiles at Bucky when he looks over, eye brow raised.  Steve kisses him again.  It starts to get heated and Steve goes to pull away, but Bucky doesn’t let him.  He can feel himself getting hard, can feel Bucky is too.   Bucky stills.  And Steve is immediately pulling away.  He runs his hand through Bucky’s hair.  His breath hitches a bit but then he’s reclaiming Steve’s mouth.

 

Bucky pulls away again and this time he’s shaking.  Steve gets off his lap, afraid he’s making it worse.  He crouches down in front of him and his heart breaks.  Bucky looks like he’s a million miles away.  He looks lost.  Steve has no idea what brought it on so fast.  He makes a note to himself to ask Sam.  Bucky gets up and pushes past him rushing into the bathroom.  He’s sick again, but this time Steve is there rubbing his back. He goes and rinses his mouth out with mouthwash and then goes to lay down on the bed.  Steve sits at the foot, but Bucky reaches for him.

 

“Hold me.”  Bucky says, and it reminds Steve of that night in the camp.  Steve takes him into his arms and Bucky just curls in on him.  It’s as if he’s trying to make himself disappear into Steve.

 

“I tried.  I tried.  I swear I tried.  Don’t be angry.  Don’t please.”  Bucky repeats and then he switches to Russian but Steve’s pretty sure it’s the same.

 

“You tried to do what, Buck?”  Steve says hoping he can get him back to himself.  It doesn’t work right away.  He has to repeat himself a few times but then Bucky answers him softly.

 

“I tried to like it.”  Steve just gapes at him.  He still looks lost, like he’s not there with Steve.

 

“I don’t understand, Buck.  What did you try to like?”  Steve asks, dreading the answer.

 

“You kissing me.”  Steve’s heart goes to his stomach.  He has no idea what’s going on.  But he also doesn’t want to get Sam.  Mostly because he doesn’t want to leave Bucky.

 

“It’s okay.  We don’t have to kiss.  Honest.  Do you want me to keep holding you?”

 

“Yes.”  Bucky says quietly.  He snuggles in more to make his point.  Before Steve can say anything more he’s sobbing.

 

“Buck.  Oh Buck.  I’ve got you.” 

 

“St..eve..”  Bucky stutters out.  He’s clinging to Steve like he did in the camp after Zola the first time and Steve thinks he knows what’s happening.

 

“I got you.”  Steve says not caring the metal arm is cutting off some of his circulation Bucky’s holding him so tight.

 

“Shit.”  Bucky says loosening his hold a bit, but snuggling in even more at the same time.  Steve once again thinks Bucky is trying to disappear into him.

 

“How bad was it this time?”  He asks. 

 

“You… it doesn’t matter.  Not right now anyway.”

 

“Steve, it does.  I need you tell me.”  Bucky says looking up at him.

 

“You didn’t… Buck, just….”  Bucky goes to kiss him and he pulls away.

 

“What, you don’t like it when I kiss you now?”  Bucky asks, and a look must come over Steve’s face because Bucky is out of the bedroom and then out of the apartment in seconds. 

 

Steve races after him and gets up to the common room just after he does.  Bucky’s in conference with Sam.  There’s no other way to describe it.  They’re off in the corner whispering to each other.  Pepper is there too, on the outskirts just silently supporting him.  Steve’s glad Bucky’s got someone he can talk to.  He’s about to turn and go to the gym when Nat, who he hadn’t even realized was in the room, speaks.

 

“Come with me.”  She says.  It’s not an order, and her tone is soft, like she knows some of what’s happened.  He nods and they head into the kitchen. 

 

Steve plops himself down at the island and rests his head on his arms.  She immediately has her arms around him.  He shifts and lets her actually hug him.  Then she sits next to him and waits.  It makes him smile small, the way she’s being with him.

 

“He remembered what happened in the elevator.  I only caught a little bit before he realized I was in the room.  You know he had an episode right.  They can happen that quickly.  One second he can be fine the next for no apparent reason he’s back there.  Steve he didn’t know it was you.”

 

“He insisted he wanted me to hold him though.  Snuggled in and everything.  Sorry.”

 

“No, don’t be.  I asked.  On some level, the part of them they couldn’t break, the part that allowed you to get through to him on the helicarrier recognized you were there.  But that part is so… It’s like a little kid being in a large group.  The really shy quiet ones.  They want to be heard but all the other kids are so loud they can’t be.”

 

“Come on, I can’t talk here.”  Steve says. 

 

“JARVIS isn’t going to tell anyone anything.”

 

“I don’t mean the tower, I mean the kitchen.”

 

“Ah.  Well, then Cap, lead the way.”

 

Steve takes her up to the roof.  Nat chuckles and makes a comment about him not being allowed to ruin another set of furniture.  He promises not to.  She leans against the railing facing the building while he does the same only facing the skyline.  She puts her hand on his arm when the silence stretches for too long.

 

“I don’t know if I can do this.  It broke something in me when he said it.  I don’t know maybe I should go somewhere for a little while.  Let him start his sessions with Sam without me around.  This isn’t about me wanting the old him back.  And I don’t care if we’re never intimate again. I swear.  It was never about that for me.  But what if next time it’s that he tried to like me holding him.  It’s our thing.  He’s always held me and he always let me hold him.  All I had to do was tell him it was cold in the room.  I feel like I’m drowning again.”

 

“So that’s what Tony meant.”  Nat says absently.

 

“What?”

 

“He, Clint and I were talking earlier.  He said he didn’t think you had a handle on everything as well as everyone thought.  He also said one of us had better quit focusing so much on Barnes because when you broke it wasn’t going to be small.  He said you were going to shatter.  Clint I don’t think got it.  I’m still not sure I do.  What amazes me is Tony can see the cracks.”

 

“He gets it more than he lets on.  Too bad I don’t feel comfortable talking to him about this.”

 

“He wouldn’t judge you for having feelings, you know.”

 

“No he’d just judge me for not holding it together as well as he does.”

 

“Which isn’t very well at all, you know.  If I didn’t have Pepper to keep me sane it’d be a lot worse.”  Tony says coming out of the shadows.

 

“Stark.”  Nat says.  Steve can tell the rage is bubbling.

 

“It’s okay, Nat.  It’s his tower he doesn’t have to announce his presence.”  Steve says, but when he looks over at Tony he smiles.

 

“Would you look at that, Captain America can be a snarky bastard.”

 

“I learned from the best.”  Steve says turning to go inside.

 

“Can I have a moment, Cap?”

 

“Upset him more, Tony, and that sparring session will be back on.”  Nat says leaving the roof.

 

“What’s up?”

 

“Have a seat.”  Tony says indicating one of the chairs.  He grabs two glasses seemingly out of nowhere and a bottle of scotch.

 

“Tony, I can’t get drunk, you know.”

 

“I know.  But you look like you need one anyway.”  Steve nods and takes the offered drink.  He swirls the amber liquid around the glass for a second before downing it in one gulp.

 

“Why do I have a feeling I’m going to need another bottle.”

 

“Probably.”  Steve says as he does the same with the second glass.

 

“Care to tell me what happened?  And you can give details.  I’ll actually pretend to care this time.”  Tony says, but Steve can tell the last part is a joke.

 

“He had an episode. It just…. I can’t Tony.  I can’t betray his trust like that.”

 

“They did something to him.  It’s affecting his relationship to you.  Which means it’s got to be a different form of torture.  And make no mistake it probably was.  He flashed back to it happening and told you….”

 

“Tony.”

 

“All right, whatever it was hit a little too close to what they did somehow.  And everything seemed fine the second before, I’m guessing here, but then he freaked out.  Still got it?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Want another?”

 

“Please.”  Steve downs this one without swirling it first.

 

“Christ Cap, slow down.  I’m still on my second one.”

 

“Then you shouldn’t get into a drinking contest with me, Stark.”

 

“Careful, Rogers your inner snarky bastard’s coming out.”

 

“Want someone to blame go look in the mirror.”

 

“Sirs, I don’t mean to interrupt, but Sergeant Barnes asked that I let Captain Rogers know he’s going out with Mr. Wilson for the evening.  He said to let you know the left overs are in the kitchen.”

 

“Thanks, JARVIS.”

 

“Wait, there’s more of that chicken?”  Tony asks.

 

“Yeah, why?”

 

“Stay here I’ll be back.”  Steve chuckles but does so.

 

Tony comes back ten minutes later with two plates of what Bucky made Pepper for lunch.  They eat in silence.  Then Tony downs his drink and pours himself another one.  He tops Steve’s off as well.

 

“All right, so back to the matter at hand.  What makes you think you leaving would be a good idea?”

 

“I feel like he’s…”  Steve downs his drink then goes to stand so he’s facing the skyline.

 

“You think he’s pushing himself to be someone you want him to be.”

 

“Something like that.  I just think that if I wasn’t here he could focus on getting better without worrying if it was going to mean I was going to leave him.”

 

“So instead you’re just going to leave now, before he really starts to recover.  That’s a horrible idea.  Look, I get needing to protect yourself, but you leave now he’s going to think it’s because you can’t love what he’s become.”  Tony says.

 

“Then what do I do?  Because you’re right I keep going like this I am going to shatter.”

 

“I don’t know.  Honestly.  I’d do what you want to do and damn the consequences.  But you’re not me.  You can’t do that.  It’s not in your make up.”  Steve goes and sits back down, pouring himself another scotch as he does so.

 

“I feel like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel.  I feel like neither one of us is going to come out of this intact. “

 

“If anyone can make it through this it’s you two.  You’re too stubborn for your own good to give up on him.  And he’s always wanted to be his best for you.  No one said he ever had the easier of the two jobs, now did they?”

 

“No I suppose not.”  Steve downs the scotch and goes to pour himself another when he realizes the bottle is empty.  He hangs his head then slams the bottle back down on the table hard enough to rattle the plates.

 

“Not being able to get drunk, sucks doesn’t it?”  Tony asks with a chuckle.

 

“You have no idea.”

 

“Come down to the lab with me.  We’ll see about mixing something up that can get even Captain America drunk.”

 

“You don’t have to do that.”  Steve says smiling at him.

 

“I want to.  I need a new project anyway.  I’m still waiting to hear back from Simmons on the arm.  Oh speaking of, Simmons, not the arm, she asked me to ask you if you’d be willing to meet with Phil.  He’s been moping around the plane apparently because you’re so pissed at him.  When I asked about me being pissed at him all I got was a shrug.”

 

“Yeah no.  Not right now anyway.”

 

“I told her to tell him the same thing.  Oh do me a favor would you, take her out.  Not on a date or anything but she… well she likes to swing dance and apparently HYDRA fucked up her dance partner.”

 

“I could do that.  You mean Tripp won’t?”

 

“She won’t ask him, because apparently he’s got a bit of a crush.”

 

“Somehow that doesn’t surprise me.  Set it up.”

 

“All right.  Now about finding you a drink.”  Tony says as they reach the lab.

 

Steve just shakes his head.  He lets Tony mix different concoctions. By the time Bucky and Sam get back Steve’s pleasantly buzzed, not fall down drunk but it’s enough to loosen up all the knots in his system.  He goes back up to the apartment and Bucky just looks at him with amusement.  It’s full on laughter when he falls face first on the couch though.  His last thought before unconsciousness claims him is he needs to let Tony know it worked.

 

He wakes cradled against Bucky being carried somewhere.  He smiles and mumbles in his sleep.  He feels the chuckle rumble through Bucky’s chest more than he hears it.  Bucky lays him down and covers him with the blanket.  Then he kisses Steve’s temple.  Steve rolls into Bucky and sighs happily.  He reaches for Bucky, but he moves out of his reach.

 

“Buck?”  Steve says sleepily.

 

“Go back to sleep, Stevie.”  I’ll be back in a little bit.”

 

“Mkay.  Love you.”

 

“Love you too.”  Bucky says quietly as he kisses his temple again.

 

Bucky goes down to the lab and finds Tony tinkering with one of the suits.  He nods at him and sits down on one of the stools.  They sit like that for a little while.  When Bucky speaks his voice is so soft he’s almost sure Tony doesn’t hear him. 

 

“It wasn’t just physical and psychological.  Let’s just leave it at that.  You’re a smart guy I’m sure you can figure it out.  I went so far in my head tonight… it’s like I was back there.  I couldn’t tell Steve, not because I didn’t want to, I just couldn’t get the words out.  How bad did I fuck this up with him?”

 

“Bad enough that he let me get him drunk.”

 

“You don’t seem surprised.”  Bucky says, he can feel the anger bubbling again.

 

“Before you turn into your own giant green rage monster, Pepper said nothing.  JARVIS said nothing.  Like you said I’m a smart guy.  Look, Nat and I talked him down. Wasn’t easy, but we got him off the proverbial ledge.  And all I’m going to say about it all, is you do know he expects nothing, right?  Well, except apparently cuddling.  Who knew Captain America was a cuddle whore.”

 

“Watch it, Stark.”

 

“Sorry.  You want to try what I mixed up for him?”

 

“No.  But keep some of it around.  I have a feeling before my head is fully screwed back on straight he’s going to need it.”

 

“Oh he’s got a play date Thursday night.”  Tony says trying to lighten the mood.

 

“A what?”  Bucky asks thoroughly confused.

 

“Simmons likes to swing dance.  Her partner got pretty messed up by HYDRA.  She was making noises to Skye while we were waiting for Bruce to get down here the other day about how there was this thing but she had no one to go with.  I got Rogers to agree to take her.  It’s not going to be a real date.  Cause well, he’s got you.  So it’s a play date.”  Bucky just laughs and shakes his head.

 

“You got any scotch down here?”

 

“No.  You’re boy toy drank it all.  And that was before I figured out how to get him drunk.”

 

“You sure you really want the two of us sticking around?”

 

“Hell yes.  That was a blast.  I haven’t had that much fun down here in forever.”  Tony says laughing.

 

“You know… look maybe I shouldn’t be the one saying this….”

 

“But?  What?  Dad would be proud?”

 

“Something like that.  He’d be glad, I think, that you’ve taken it upon yourself to keep an eye on us. Steve especially.  And I know it was rough in the beginning.  I know all about you telling him what made him special came from a bottle.  But I understand there were extenuating circumstances involved.  I also think you’re smart enough to realize you were wrong, may have taken you a while, but I think you realize that now.”

 

“I’ve read Erskine’s notes.” Tony says.

 

“Right.  Look, this is my way of saying thanks.”

 

“Barnes I didn’t do anything.  I just got the man drunk.”

 

“Of course that’s all you did Tony.  Keep telling yourself he’s not your friend.  He’ll do the same thing.”

 

“We’re not friends.  We simply can tolerate each other better now.  Now get out of my lab.  I have work to do.”

 

“Uh huh.  All right I’m going.  Try and go to bed at some point would you?”

 

“Yes, grandpa.”  Tony says waving Bucky off.

 

Bucky goes back upstairs and climbs into bed.  Steve rolls over and wraps himself around him.  Bucky just chuckles softly.  Maybe there is something to Captain America the cuddle whore after all.  Not that he’ll ever admit that to Tony.  He kisses the top of Steve’s head and tells him he loves him before he lets sleep claim him.

 


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone for the reviews and kudos.

Steve wakes with the worst headache he’s had in years.  He feels like he’s going to be sick.  He tries to move and it only intensifies.  Bucky wakes up rubbing his back.  Steve makes what can only be described as a pitiful whine. 

 

“Stay here.  I’ll be back.”  Bucky says dropping a kiss on Steve’s shoulder. 

 

“Mmmm.  I feel like I got run over.  This is worse than it was when I was small.”

 

“Poor baby.  I’ll be right back.”  Bucky says with a chuckle.

 

Bucky comes back with water and some aspirin.  He tells Steve to take those and then go back to sleep.  He’s going to go for a run with Sam.  Steve just makes a noise.  Bucky laughs at him again then kisses his hair.  He heads up to the common room to find Tony reading the paper at the island.

 

“How is he?”  Tony asks.  He nods to Sam who’s just come into the room.

 

“Hung over.  Beyond hung over really.  I told him to sleep it off.  Pepper could you do me a favor, and go down and check on him.  Last thing we need is him getting sick in his sleep.  I’d stay but….”

 

“Go on Bucky, go for your run.  I’ll make sure he’s functioning by the time you get back.”

 

“Wait a second Barnes, she just called you ‘Bucky’ and you didn’t get angry with her.  That’s progress congrats.”

 

“And that attitude right there, Stark, is why you’ll never get the privilege.” 

 

“So I’m not the one who taught Steve the art of the snark.”

 

“No.  No you’re not.  Thanks again Pepper.”

 

“Sergeant Barnes?” 

 

“Yeah, JARVIS?”

 

“Captain Rogers is requesting your presence downstairs.  Something about feeling like death warmed over and you being the only one who can fix it.”

 

“Go on, I’ve got this.”  Pepper says waving him off.

 

“Tell him I’ll be back in a little while.”

 

Bucky and Sam start their run in silence.  It’s not that unusual.  It takes Sam a bit to get up to pace with Bucky.  Once he does though they at first talk about nothing.  They pass by a couple of girls who flirt with Sam a bit.  Bucky barks out a laugh at how flustered he gets. 

 

“I’m telling you she was flirting with you.”  Sam says to Bucky as the round the corner into Central Park.

 

“No.  She was definitely flirting with you.  You want to turn around get her number?”

 

“I’m good thanks.  So how were things once we got back last night?”

 

“He was drunk.  He passed out about a minute after I walked in the door.”

 

“I thought with the serum he couldn’t get drunk.”

 

“Tony.”  Bucky says as if that explains everything.

 

“Oh brother.  So you two didn’t get to talk.”

 

“No.  But It’s a blessing really.  I’m not even sure how to have the conversation with him.  I’m not stupid.  I know I hurt him.  Tony says he and Nat talked him off the proverbial ledge, whatever that means. And with Steve it could mean any number of things.”

 

“You want to run mock convos?  We can do that.”

 

“No.  I don’t want him to feel like I rehearsed it.  Just tell me I’m going to come out of this and not freak out any time he touches me.  You know my biggest fear is that he’s going to be holding me and I’m going to have an episode.  Then that’s gonna be it.  Because that’s always been our thing.  Holding each other.  He was so sick and the apartment was so cold.  I could do that… and he’d just think I was doing it to keep him warm.  When in reality I was being much more selfish than that.”

 

“It’s going to take a lot of work, but we’re going to get you there.  Not that I want to set off another episode, but explain it to me one more time.  Take me through it step by step.”

 

“Do I have to?  It was bad enough explaining it to you last night.”

 

“I want to see if I can figure out what trigged it.”

 

“All right.  If you think it will help”

 

“I do.”

 

“We were talking I told him what we’d talked about.  He reassured me that he was going to stick around.  Which he’s got to hate having to do.”

 

“He gets why, Bucky.  He knows you’ve been through hell.  Now go on.”

 

“He said he was gonna be with me every step of the way.  I kissed him.  One second I’m kissing him then the next we’re still kissing but it’s like in my head I’m back there.  It was that quick.  I couldn’t even tell you what happened.  But I tried to push it down.  There was a part of me that knew it was Steve.  I tried to work through it.  I just wasn’t strong enough and then I started twitching.  Literally.   He tried to calm me.  I knew the only thing that was going to work was him holding me.  So I asked him to.  Sam, I was in that room strapped to the table and I couldn’t get away.  What’s worse is I couldn’t get the words out to tell Steve.  And once I realized what had happened I had no idea how to explain it to him.”  Bucky says plopping himself down in the grass of the trail.  He takes a few deep breaths to calm himself.

 

“You want to head back?”

 

“No.  Just give me a minute.  You know, Howard should have built a time machine instead of a flying car.”  Sam barks out a laugh.  It’s contagious because soon Bucky’s laughing too and they’re on their way again.

 

“I hate this.  I hate that I can’t just be with him.  We already lost so much time.  Okay we need to talk about other things or I’m going to start out running you to burn off the anger.”  Bucky says as they pass Belvedere Castle.

 

“What do you want to talk about then?”

 

“I don’t know.” 

 

They run in silence for a while.  They’re through the park and decide to head back.  When they get back to the tower there’s no one in the common room or the kitchen.  Sam heads off to take a shower.  Bucky heads down to the apartment and finds Pepper sitting on the couch reading a magazine.  She smiles and tells him Steve’s still asleep.  He thanks her and heads for the shower himself. 

 

When he gets out of the shower he has to smile.  Steve is asleep wrapped around his pillow.  He goes to Steve’s side of the bed and climbs in.  He runs his hand through Steve’s hair and kisses the back of his neck.  Steve rolls over and snuggles into him.

 

“Hi.  Steve says softly.

 

“Hi yourself.  Feeling better?”

 

“Yeah.  Pepper made me drink more water.  And she made me eat something too.  Then I went back to bed.  I’m going to have to tell Tony he needs to make it less strong.”

 

“Could also be the over three quarters of a bottle of scotch you had on top of whatever it was he concocted, ya know?”

 

“I know.  I just… last night was not one of my finer moments all right.”

 

“All right.  What can I do?”

 

“Nothing.  I’m fine.  Things are fine.  We’re fine.”  Steve says, and to Bucky it sounds like he’s trying to convince himself.

 

“Kiss me.”  Bucky says.

 

“You don’t have to do this.”

 

“Kiss me.”  Bucky says kissing the back of Steve’s neck.  Steve rolls over and faces him.

 

“Buck, really you don’t have to do this.”

 

“Kiss me.”  Bucky says again. 

 

Steve doesn’t refuse him a third time.  He can’t really.  He kisses Bucky softly at first.  Then he goes in and kisses him again.  Bucky deepens the kiss and Steve just melts into him.  He shifts so he’s under Bucky.  Bucky deepens the kiss again and ruts against him, then stills and stops.  He gives Steve little pecks before ending the kiss completely.

 

“You okay?”  Steve asks running his hands up Bucky’s arms.

 

“Yeah.  Just got… I’m gonna work through this if it kills me.  I am not letting those **_bastards_** take us away from me again.”  Bucky says kissing Steve to emphasize his point.

 

“It’s not gonna happen anyway, Buck.  We’re going to get through this together.”

 

“I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to leave.  I’d hate it, but I wouldn’t blame you.”

 

“I told Nat last night I thought I should.  Only because I felt like you having to worry about upsetting me was going to hinder your recovery.  She and Tony convinced me that would be a horrible idea.”  Bucky leans down and kisses him again.

 

“I’m glad. You do know that having you here helps right?  I know it doesn’t always seem like it.  But you do.  You help more than you know.  I wanted to tell you last night what was happening.  I just couldn’t again.  Sam says we’re going to work on that.  I told him last night I wanted to.  I told him I needed to be able to let you pull me out of it.”  Bucky kisses any response Steve might have away.

 

They kiss for what seems like forever to Steve.  Bucky tenses every once in a while but he kisses Steve through it.  Soon they’re kissing each other and rutting against each other and Steve is sure they’re going to end up sticky messes but he doesn’t care.  Bucky stops it before it reaches that point though.  He starts shaking again and shifts away from Steve.

 

“Buck?”

 

“Too much.  Sorry.  You want…”  Steve kisses him softly.

 

“I want you to let me hold you.  I want you to let me make you feel safe.  Cause you are you know.  I am not going to let anyone hurt you again." Bucky smiles and goes into Steve’s arms.

 

“You know Stark called you a cuddlewhore.  I got a bit pissed.  But I guess he’s right.  We kinda both are though.”

 

“Yeah well, that’s what happens when you grow up in an apartment with no heat.”

 

“Right.”  Bucky’s making lazy patterns on Steve’s chest with the metal hand.  Steve shivers slightly.

 

“Sorry.”  Bucky says stopping.

 

“No.  It just tickles.  I like it though.”  Steve says tipping Bucky’s chin up so he can kiss him.

 

Bucky dozes off and Steve just lets him sleep.  He decides staying in bed the whole day after having his first hangover in seventy plus years is allowed.  He dozes himself and wakes to Bucky kissing his neck.  He smiles and arches into them.  He moans when he feels Bucky stroke him through his boxers.

 

“Buck… god that feels good.”

 

“Hmmm.  Good.  Let go, Stevie.”  He does and then chuckles softly.

 

“What?”  Bucky asks.

 

“I just… earlier… well…”

 

“You thought I was gonna let it go until we both got off in our pants.”

 

“Yeah.”  Steve says trying to keep the blush at bay.

 

“I would have if my brain had let me.  I meant it when I told you I wanted it back.”

 

“I know you did.  Did you?”

 

“No.  I’ll just go take a shower or some….Steve… oh...”  Bucky says as Steve shifts so his leg brushes against Bucky.

 

“You want me to do that again.”

 

“Yeah.  Wait, we’ve… oh…Steve…”  Bucky comes with a drawn out moan of Steve’s name.  Then he kisses Steve hard.

 

“We did that before.”  Bucky says, the hint of a question in his tone.

 

“We did.  I was really sick.  You said having to give me a bath was starting to get to you.  But you didn’t want to take advantage.  I shifted to get comfortable and my leg brushed against you.  You moaned so I did it till you got off.  It was the first time we’d done anything like that.”

 

“I felt guilty about it didn’t I?”

 

“You did, for a few days.  But then I got better and told you not to worry about it.”

 

“We were quite the pair weren’t we?”

 

“Yeah.  Yeah we were.”

 

“So the delirious hand job was after.  God, I should have just told you how I felt.”  Steve chuckles.

 

“What?” 

 

“You said the same thing before we fell asleep the night of the expo.”

 

“Well, I should have.”  Bucky says giving him a peck on the lips.

 

“I don’t know about you, but I need to change.”  Bucky says once he pulls away.

 

“Yeah.  And I should shower.”

 

“I don’t want to move.”  Bucky says kissing Steve again.

 

“I don’t either.”

 

“I want… I just… I don’t think I can.”

 

“You want what?”  Steve asks.

 

“You.  But I can’t Steve, not yet.  But after today, I don’t think it’s a matter of never being ready.  That’s something right?”

 

“Definitely.”  Steve says happily, kissing him as he does so.

 

 

 


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know some of you would like to see the convo with Sam from the night Bucky freaked out, but it wouldn't come to me in a way I was happy with. Hope you all can enjoy the chapter and the story anyway.

Bucky pecks him on the lips one more time then gets up.  He grabs a change of clothes then strips down and heads for the shower.  He chuckles as he shuts the door having heard Steve bang his head against the headboard.  When he comes out a little later Steve is asleep again.  He runs his fingers through Steve’s hair but Steve just rolls over so he’s facing away from Bucky still sound asleep.

 

“Sam would yell at me for this, but I don’t know how to say this to you when you’re awake so I’m just going to say it now.  I know I’m beyond messed up.  I know you deserve so much better than me, hell you always have.  And I know I get scary when I have the episodes.  I know it upsets you when I do. Course I know you, so it’s probably more that you hate I’m going through it.  And you have no idea how awful they are on my end.  I can’t even put into words how awful they are.  I know I keep saying this but I just want to be me again.  I want to get better.  Don’t know if it’s gonna happen though.  I have my doubts some days.   But I **_am_** trying Steve.  I swear to you I am.  I want us to have what we had before and more.  We deserve it after all the hell we’ve been through.  I just need you to hang on a little longer. If it gets too much and you can’t I’ll understand.   And I won’t be angry.  But I love you as much as I always have.”  Steve rolls over and looks at him, smiling. 

 

“How much of that did you hear?”

 

“All of it.  Come here.”  Steve says.

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“I know.”  Steve says looking down.

 

“Steve?”

 

“You know what I hate the most about this whole thing, other than us having been separated for all that time?”  Bucky just shakes his head and wraps himself around Steve.

 

“I hate that you second guess my wanting to be with you.  I know you can’t help it.  I do.  But then I worry you’re going to think I’m just saying it because I tell you so often.  I’m not.  Last night was just really bad.  I thought my being here was hurting you more than it was helping.  Thank God Tony knocked that idea out of my head.”  Bucky kisses his temple and squeezes a little tighter.

 

“If you need to get away for a…”

 

“No.  I don’t want to go.  I promised you we’d do this together.”  Bucky kisses his temple again then Steve rolls over and buries himself in Bucky like he used to when he was sick.  Bucky kisses the top of his head.

 

“You all right, punk?”

 

“Fine.  I should go shower.”

 

“Stay put.  Just for a little bit.”  Bucky says, his voice thick with emotion.

 

“Buck?”

 

“Hmmm?”  He says after clearing his throat.  Steve just kisses his chest and burrows even further

 

“I say you let me up for as long as it’s going to take me to shower then we just spend the rest of the day in bed.  We could even get JARVIS to turn the air up really high.”

 

“I have mentioned recently how ridiculous you are right?”

 

“Yeah.  Sorry.”

 

“Did I say I was complaining?”

 

“S’pose not.  Now let me go take a quick shower.”

 

“Fine.”  Bucky says exaggeratedly.  Steve chuckles then strips down and walks into the bathroom naked.  It earns him a wolf whistle from Bucky.

 

Steve comes out of the shower to find Bucky not in bed.  He throws a pair of sweats on and heads for the living room only to find it empty.  He’s about to call out to him when he sees him sitting on the balcony railing.

 

“Buck?  You all right?”  He asks quietly.

 

“Yeah.  I guess.  I’m still trying to figure out what happened.  Sam says it wasn’t probably just one thing.  He thinks I get stressed out.  Which if you ask me is ridiculous.  I want you so bad I can’t think straight.  But when I go to act on it….”

 

“You know I wouldn’t hurt you right?  You know that all you’d have to do was say stop and I would.  And I wouldn’t get angry.”

 

“I know.  I do.  Most of the time.”

 

“Is that I… I mean do I….”  Steve decides to throw caution to the wind and hops up onto the railing himself so that they’re sitting side by side.  Bucky immediately reaches over with his metal hand and holds Steve’s arm.

 

“It’s not you.  I don’t think.  Sam asked me the same thing the other night.  If you touched me a certain way that might have triggered it.  I told him I didn’t think so.  And I don’t.  But I could be wrong and not even know it my head is so screwed up.  You know it’s not too late for you to decide I’m not worth the hassle.”

 

“You never did with me.”

 

“Not the same.”

 

“Sure it is.  Well, it is to me anyway.”

 

“What did I ever do to deserve you?”  Bucky asks wrapping his arm around Steve.  Steve tries not to worry about them falling.

 

“You always came to my rescue and you never got angry about having to.”

 

“Funny, I don’t remember it that way.”

 

“Shut up.  Look can we get down now?”

 

“Don’t tell me Captain America is afraid of heights.”  Bucky says, barking out a laugh.

 

“No.  I’m afraid you’re going to fall.”  Steve says in a rush.  Bucky hops down immediately then helps Steve.  Then Bucky kisses him soundly.

 

“I’m sorry.”  Bucky says as he pulls away.  But he keeps his arms around Steve’s neck.

 

“It’s okay.  I should have said something sooner.”

 

“How long have you been freaking out?”

 

“Since I came out here.”

 

“Steve.”

 

“It helps you clear your head.  I get it I do.”

 

“It just reminds you of the train for some reason.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“You don’t have to worry.  JARVIS says it’s perfectly safe.  But if it upsets you that much I’ll find something else.”  Bucky says pecking him on the lips.

 

“No.  If JARVIS says it’s safe it probably is.”

 

“I can’t fall with the hand you know.  I’ve gotten tossed off of I can’t tell you how many buildings.  Hasn’t killed me yet.”

 

“That’s supposed to make me feel better, isn’t it?”

 

“It is.  Not working is it?”

 

“No.”   Steve says kissing him softly.

 

“So what else did Sam have to say?”  He asks when he pulls away.

 

“Not much.  He let me do most of the talking.  Which was me going on and on about how I had royally fucked up and you were going to kick me to the curb.  Did in six languages as a matter of fact.  Had to tell Sam what I said in three of them.”  Bucky says, taking Steve’s hand to lead them back inside.  He leads them over to the couch and sits so his back is against the arm then pulls Steve down into his.  Steve sighs happily and links their hands together.

 

“He kept trying to get me to figure out what happened and I couldn’t.  I still can’t.”  Bucky says angrily.

 

“Hey, it’s okay.”

 

“No it’s **_not_**.  All I keep doing is hurting you.  That’s not okay.”  Bucky says in a way that reminds Steve of the outburst he had when he first came back.  Steve shifts and kisses him softly then hugs him.

 

“Steve.”  Bucky warns. 

 

“This isn’t me being naïve and this isn’t me telling you that I’m exactly happy with the way things are going, but I knew when I made the decision to find you it wasn’t going to be easy.  I knew we both were going to have an uphill battle.  You more than me of course.  But I promised myself that no matter what I was going to stand by you.  Don’t push yourself all right.  You’ll figure it out.  In the meantime I can handle it.  Tony said something last night, which made an awful lot of sense.  Don’t give me that look, he can be surprisingly intuitive when he wants to be.  Keep in mind I wasn’t in a good place last night.  Anyway, I told him right now I didn’t think you and I were going to make it.  Let me finish.  He said we would because I was too stubborn to let us fail and you only ever wanted to be your best for me.  He pointed out you had the tougher job.  So this is me telling you, that if this right here and now is your best than it’s enough.  It’s more than enough.”  Bucky cups Steve’s cheek and kisses him.

 

“Wow.”  Steve says when they pull apart.

 

“Wow?”

 

“Yeah wow.”  Steve says surging up to kiss him.

 

“I love you, punk.”  Bucky says when they part.

 

“Love you too, jerk.”  Steve goes in once more for another kiss, smiling as he does so. 


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter. Thank you everyone for the kudos and the comments. They mean a lot. I'm so very glad you all enjoy this. 
> 
> The translations you'll need in the chapter are at the bottom. I didn't want to put them up here because... Spoilers.....
> 
> Hope you all enjoy.

They’re interrupted by a knock at the door.  Bucky growls into another kiss while Steve just chuckles softly and gets up to answer the door.  He finds Nat and Clint both looking like caged animals.  He moves slightly to let them in and then sits back down on the couch next to Bucky.  Nat starts pacing.

 

“Look, I really hate to do this.  Mostly because probably I know better than anyone what you’re going through.  And…”

 

“Given our history.”  Bucky finishes for her.  Steve gives them both a look.

 

“Yes.  Look, it’s worse than Coulson realizes.  I don’t even think Fury or Hill know how bad it is.  Though given what I’ve learned I’m not so sure about that.  But that’s for another time.”

 

“Nat?”  Steve asks.  Clint arches a brow at the fact he’s using his Captain voice.

 

“Stark was right.  It was HYDRA science that brought Coulson back.  And while the person who developed it may be dead, the man who perfected it is not.  And he’s going to want the Winter Soldier to do his dirty work for him.  He’s going to want to be protected.  They’ve started looking in all your old haunts.  There’s been minimal collateral damage because Clint and I have managed to stay a step ahead so far.  But they’ve almost got it figured out.  James, there almost here.”

 

“What do you suggest I do, Natalia?  Run?  Not happening.  I won’t leave Steve unprotected.”

 

“He won’t be unprotected.  The rest of the Avengers are here.  We can protect him.”  Clint says finally coming into the conversation.  The glare Bucky gives him makes him shrink back.  Even Steve is a little frightened of him right now.  Steve shakes it off.

 

“Ваша группа неудачников не может защитить его” Bucky says angrily.

 

“Я даю вам слово, не лишним будет прийти к нему. Но вы должны пойти. Если вы этого не сделаете, число жертв будет высокой. Я знаю, что вы не хотите, что.”  Nat says, trying to reason with him.

 

“Natalia.”  Bucky warns.

 

“Give us the room.”  Nat says turning to Clint and Steve.  Clint goes into one of the bedrooms, but Steve looks to Bucky first.  He just nods so Steve goes into their room.

 

“Talk to me, Yasha.”  Nat says.

 

“Nat, please… don’t… call… me ….that.”  Bucky says, he starts shaking and tries to work it off.

 

“Steve get out here.”  Nat calls out.

 

“Buck?”

 

“Steve, help.”  Bucky says, his voice breaking.  Steve goes to him and holds him.  He whispers in his ear repeatedly as Bucky tries to fight his way back to himself.  He settles them back on the couch.

 

“I think you and Clint should go.”  Steve says angrily over his shoulder as Bucky clings to him.

 

“We’re….”

 

“ ** _Now_** Natasha.”  Steve says in a tone that brokers no arguments.  Clint has enough sense to usher Nat out of the apartment as Bucky collapses against Steve.

 

“Steve.”  Bucky says, sounding lost.

 

“I’m right here.  I’ve got you.  You’re safe.”

 

“Cushions on the floor.”  Bucky all but orders.  Steve tries not to let Bucky see his anger, though he’s sure he’s failing.

 

“All right, get up for a second.”  Steve makes quick work of the couch never taking his eyes off of Bucky.

 

“Hold me.”  Bucky says, once he’s laid down.  Steve has to bite back a chuckle.  As if Bucky has to order him to do that.

 

“Yes sir, Sergeant Barnes, sir.”  Steve says, mock saluting him.  The glare he receives worries him.

 

Steve lays down and pulls Bucky to him.  He kisses the back of his neck and finally feels some of the tension leave him.  Then Bucky starts shaking again.  Steve repeats what he whispered earlier and kisses his neck again.  He repeats it till the shaking stops.  He knows he’s gotten through when Bucky rolls over into him.

 

“I’m sorry.”  Bucky says grabbing Steve with the metal arm and squeezing him tight.

 

“Oh.  Yeah, Buck, could you…. Thanks.”  Steve says once Bucky loosens the hold a bit.

 

“We need to get the Avengers together.  They need to know what they’re going to go up against.”

 

“Ssh.  Don’t worry about that right now.”

 

“But…”

 

“I’ll take care of it.  Don’t worry about it right now.”  Bucky nods and then curls into Steve more.

 

“I love you.  You’re safe.  I’m right here.”  Steve repeats again, like he did when the episode started.  Bucky doesn’t say anything but he drops a kiss onto Steve’s chest.

 

“She’s right you know.  I probably should leave.”

 

“Bucky.”  Steve warns.

 

“Steve I can’t hide away from this forever.”

 

“Just give it an hour, all right.  Give me one hour.”  Steve all but begs.

 

“Okay.  I’m exhausted anyway.  Stay.”

 

“Always.”

 

Steve runs his fingers through Bucky’s hair as he sleeps.  He’s just about to doze off himself when there’s another knock at the door.  He tries getting up but then Bucky murmurs in his sleep and clings tighter.  He tells whoever it is to go away.  They don’t.  Sam comes in followed by Tony.

 

“He… oh.  Nat said she wasn’t sure if you’d be able to handle it.  That’s why I came down.  I’ll just go.  Let him know I’ve got a meeting tonight with the local VA about a job, but if he needs me I should be back around nine.”

 

“Thanks Sam.  What can I do for you, Tony?”  Steve asks quickly dropping his voice to the “disappointed dad” tone Tony despises.  He’s hoping that will keep any comments about them being on the floor with the cushions at bay.

 

“I came to see how he was.  What the hell did Romanoff do?”

 

“She came to talk to him about what she’d found out on one of her little fact finding missions.  It sent him into Russian.  Then I got kicked out for a bit.  Next thing I know I come back in and he’s slipping away.  Luckily, I figured out what to say to get him back into his own head.  I kicked her and Clint out.”

 

“She says it’s not good.  I told her we’d have a meeting tomorrow morning.”

 

“He wants one tonight.”

 

“I’ll set it up.  I’ll tell everyone to stick around.  You want me to bring Phil in?”

 

“No but something Nat said set me on edge.  Fury knows more than he’s letting on.  I don’t like it.”

 

“I’ll get JARVIS and Rhodey on it.  May not come up with anything, but it’s worth a shot.  Let me know when you’re both ready.  And Steve?”

 

“Hmmm.”

 

“Nice job.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

Tony heads out and Steve shifts a bit to get comfortable.  Bucky wakes up and kisses Steve’s chest again.  Then he shifts himself and kisses him on the lips.  Steve expects him to say something but he just rests his head on Steve’s shoulder.  The silence stretches and when he looks down again Bucky’s gone back to sleep.

 

Bucky wakes a second time with a shout.  He bolts up and searches around the room finally settling his eyes on Steve.  Steve slowly moves so he’s holding him and Bucky melts into it.  Steve adds Natasha to the list of people he wants to hit.  Bucky clings to him and then shakes his head to clear it.  Then he leans up and kisses Steve.

 

“I didn’t hurt anyone did I?”  He asks as he breaks the kiss.

 

“No.  What happened?”

 

“Not now.”  Bucky says hiding himself in Steve.  He makes painful whine.

 

“You’re safe I’m right here.  I’ve got you.”

 

“Forgot one.”  Bucky says seriously.

 

“I love you.”  Steve says as he runs his fingers through Bucky’s hair.

 

“Love you too.  We should get everyone together.  It’s been over an hour.”

 

“Tony’s making them all stay put.  We’ve got time.”

 

“Steve, I can’t stay hidden away with you forever.”

 

“You can’t even tell me what happened.  I am not having you go up there and have another episode.  Sam’s not here.”  Steve says raising his voice slightly.  Bucky shifts so he can sit up a bit then moves Steve so he’s resting against Bucky.

 

“I could, but everyone’s going to ask upstairs anyway.  It’s one of those I only want to tell the story once type deals.  Although, I should warn you so you don’t get blindsided.”

 

“Warn me about what?”

 

“Natalia.”

 

“I already know you two know each other somehow.  I figured that much out.”  Steve says angrily.  He’s not even sure who he’s angry at right now.

 

“Hey.”  Bucky says shifting them again so he can properly kiss Steve.

 

“I’m sorry.”  Steve says in between kisses.

 

“It’s okay, I can only imagine how my episodes make you feel. And Steve it’s not being selfish to not want to have to go through two in the same night.  I’m right there with ya, pal.  So how about this.  Have Tony call Phil.  Get his gang to come over.  We’ll order pizza and casually talk things over.”

 

“Melinda May.  You want me to invite Melinda May over?’

 

“Damn straight I do.  Just do it Steve.  Come on it’ll be fun.”  Bucky says his voice dripping fake enthusiasm. 

 

“Fine.  But the second you start to feel like it’s too much the meeting ends.”

 

“Deal.  I’m going to go hop in the shower.”  Bucky says taking his shirt off.  Steve gulps.  Bucky turns back around cups both his cheeks and gives him a kiss that would have led to something in the past.

 

“Back in a flash, Captain.”  Bucky says as he struts his way to the bedroom.  Steve thinks of General Phillips in an attempt to cool off.

 

“JARVIS?”

 

“Yes Captain Rogers?”

 

“Where’s Tony?”

 

“Napping, sir.  But Miss Potts is up in the common area living room.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

Steve runs upstairs and explains to Pepper what Bucky wants to do.  She stares at him for a second, tries to speak and nothing comes out.  This is how Tony finds them when he emerges from his own nap.  Steve explains it to him and he barks out a laugh.

 

“A fucking pizza party.  Your boy wants to have a pizza party.  All right, if that’s what Bucky wants that’s what he’s gonna get.  Leave… what?  Oh come on he’s… fiiiinnnne.  Barnes wants one then that’s what he’s going to get.  Leave everything to me.  Now run along.  I’ve got work to do.  We’ll meet back here at 9.”

 

When Steve and Bucky get into the common room everyone is there.  Everyone that is but Thor.  Jane’s there though.  Steve makes a note to take her aside and ask her what’s going on later.  Bucky settles on the floor and yanks Steve down next to him. Then he grabs a slice of pizza.  Everyone else grabs a spot.  Steve notice Agent May is glaring at him and raises an eyebrow.  Phil elbows her to get her to knock it off.  Jemma asks Steve if they’re still on for the following evening and he promises to be at her door at seven pm sharp.  Fury asks about Fitz and Jemma blanches.  She starts sputtering a response until Bucky rests his hand on hers.  Steve is fairly sure his face is going be stuck in a smile he’s grinning so hard.

 

“We all set?”  Tony asks calling the meeting to order.   There are various murmurs of different variations of yes.

 

“All right who wants the floor?”  He asks.

 

“I’ll start, James feel free to cut in with anything you’d like to add.  All of us know HYDRA isn’t down and out.  Not by a long shot.  There are still very powerful men in charge.  They want the Winter Soldier back and are going to do whatever it takes to get him.”

 

“Which is why he needs to turn himself in.”  Melinda says.

 

“I have.  In case you hadn’t noticed I’m living in Avengers Tower… Stark Tower whatever.  Point is I’ve turned myself over to the most powerful people on the planet.”

 

“So what just because _Captain America_ doesn’t want to lose his fu….”  Pepper slaps Melinda across the face before she can complete her thought.

 

“Don’t you **_dare_** come into my home and insult one of my friends.  Do so again and you’re not going to like the consequences.  Now, Natasha you were saying.”  Pepper says sitting back down next to Tony and taking a sip of her wine.

 

“God do I wish I’d had a little more time.  I would have thrown a presentation together.  Barton, don’t give me that look.  Anyway, his name is Baron Wolfgang von Strucker.  Rumor has it he knew Zola and Schmidt.  Don’t ask me how.  I can’t figure it out.  Although I can guess.  James, you all right?”

 

“Fine.  Keep going.”

 

“He comes after us…. I don’t know we could win.  He’s more dangerous than Zola.”

 

“That’s all you have on him?”  Bruce asks.

 

“Yeah. There’s nothing on his work anywhere.  The HYDRA agents wouldn’t talk.  They all claimed they knew nothing.  Don’t know if I believe that or not.  I was hoping James would know something.”

 

“The name sounds familiar, but that’s it.  I’m sorry.”

 

“Hey, none of the pouting.  It’s fine.  JARVIS will look into him.  No biggie.”  Tony says grabbing Bucky’s plate and giving him another slice.

 

“I can see what I can find too.  I’ve got a few avenues.  I’ll let you know if I turn anything up.”  Skye says as she moves to sit next to Jemma.

 

“That’s what you felt the need to have this little get together about?”  May asks.

 

“Not the only thing no.  But I figure I’ll let Steve finish his pizza and beer before I rattle his world up anymore.”

 

“I’m done.”  Steve says pushing his plate away.  Bucky does the same and takes his hand.

 

“There was this HYDRA project, started by Zola himself in 1945 right around the time they found a certain Army Sergeant lying near death in the snow.  Files say Barnes died for a total of ten seconds before he was given the experimental concoction. Then he came back to life begging them to let him die.  It’s apparently a theme with those who are subjected to the drug.  Code named GH-325.  They beg to die.   No one but Zola knows all of the ingredients, even now.  There are blurry photos of _something_ in cryo chamber, not unlike the one they used to keep James on ice. It was classified, only the Director and Deputy Director had access to the files.  Even after the dump onto the internet they stayed hidden.  I had to go through a number of backdoors to find them.”  Natasha pauses, Steve assumes it’s because she wants everyone to absorb the information.

 

He calmly gets up.  He’s probably too calm.  Bucky’s giving him a look as is Nat.  Sam, who only just joined them flanks him on his right.  Clint takes his left.  Bucky then gets to his feet.  He then slowly walks up to Fury and stands in front of him.

 

“Give me one good reason to not throw you off that balcony.”  He says crowding in on Fury even more.

 

“The names were redacted Steve.  We had no way of knowing.”  Maria says trying to calm him.  It has the opposite effect.

****

**_“Do not_** stand here and lie to me.  I am so sick of you people lying to me.  But then I suppose I should have known what I was in for considering you’ve been doing it since I woke up.”  Steve turns on his heel and heads for the elevator.  Bucky goes to follow and Steve puts a hand up to stop him.

 

 

“I’m fine.  I don’t need…”  Steve doesn’t finish and instead closes the elevator door.

 

“Natalia, is she lying?”

 

“What do you think, James?”  Bucky clenches and unclenches the metal hand a couple of times.  Phil walks over and gets in front of Bucky and Maria.

 

“You know, while she deserves to get punched, why don’t you let Jemma do it instead.  I just… Steve doesn’t need the kind of trouble you hitting Maria would cause.  And I know you wouldn’t use your metal hand.  But then Bucky Barnes wouldn’t have to.  He’s gotten Steve out of enough scrapes for his human hand to do more than enough damage.”

 

“So this is what a man crush is.”  Bucky says heading for the elevators. 

 

“Natalia, stick around please.  Actually if everyone but Fury and Hill would stick around I’d appreciate it.” Bucky says just before the doors close.

 

He finds Steve in the gym.  His fists are a bloody mess despite being wrapped and there’s already one punching bag lying on the ground.  Bucky takes hold of the one he’s hitting and spots him.  Steve’s form is all over the place and Bucky is suddenly hit with a memory of Steve going at some idiot in an alley way outside the movie theater.  He laughs softly.

 

“If you’re going to laugh you can leave.”

 

“Oh no I’m sure you had the bag on the ropes.”  Steve stops and stares at him for a minute.  Then he steps around the bag and into Bucky’s arms and kisses him.  He collapses against him after and just sobs.

 

“Hey.  Stevie, breathe for me.”  Bucky says as the sobs get even harder and Steve starts coughing.

 

“They knew.  They knew and they never said.  I woulda looked for you.  I wouldn’t ‘ave stopped till I found ya.  They never said.”  Bucky just holds him and fights the smile that’s threatening to come.  He’s fairly sure Steve hasn’t realized his accent is coming back out.

 

“Ssh, Stevie, it’s okay.  I’m right here.  I’m still alive.  We’re together.  That’s what matters.  Well, that and I love you.”

 

“Bucky.”  Steve says quietly.  The sobs having subsided.

 

“Do you want to go back to the apartment or up to the common room?”

 

“Apartment.”  Bucky doesn’t like the way he sounds.  Finding out SHIELD knew and didn’t say anything has broken Steve a bit more and in a way Bucky’s not sure he can fix.  He fights to keep the anger at bay.

 

They get back to the apartment and Bucky has to all but carry Steve to bed.  He lays down next to him and lets Steve settle how he wants to.  Steve ends up laying so that Bucky is wrapped around him. Bucky thinks he’s fallen asleep when he suddenly speaks.  Bucky wonders if what he’s feeling, which he can’t put into words, is anything like what Steve feels.

 

“I wouldn’t have stopped looking for you till I found you.  You know that right?”

 

“Yeah, I know.  What can I do?”

 

“Let me sleep for a bit.  But stay.  Please.  Don’t get up this time and go back upstairs.”

 

“Fine, punk.”  Bucky says as if staying and holding Steve is going to be the hardest thing.

 

“Shut up, jerk.”  Steve says as he settles in.

 

“Love you, Bucky.

 

“Love you too.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's line translates to: Your band of misfits cannot protect him.
> 
> Nat's line translates to: I give you my word no harm will come to him. But you have to go. If you don’t, the casualties will be high. I know that you don’t want that.


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter. Hope you all enjoy.

Bucky’s too wound up to sleep so he just runs the fingers of his flesh hand through Steve’s hair.  Steve just snuggles in more and tightens his hold on him.  It’s been about half an hour when Bucky realizes he’s not sleeping.   Bucky shifts slightly so he can look at him then rolls him over so they’re facing each other.  The fact that Steve lets him just proves Bucky’s right.

 

“Talk to me.”

 

“I’m kinda talked out.”  Steve says and Bucky kisses him softly.

 

“We should get back I s‘pose.”  Steve says yet he makes no attempts to move.

 

“Let them wait.  I’m sure Tony’s up there giving them hell.  Or Phil.”

 

 

“I worry Bruce might be getting upset.  That’s the last thing any of us need. Come on I’m fine.  No that’s not true I’m pissed off.  Who the hell… sorry.”

 

“Hey, none of that.  You let me rage at you.  Hell you let me physically harm you.  I can handle an outburst or two.  Just…”

 

“Just what, Buck?”

 

“I know, as sure as I know you love me, that you would have come found me and rescued me had you known.  I know that, all right.  I don’t want you blaming yourself for any of it.”

 

“I’ll try not to.  Come on.  But kiss me first.”  Bucky lets him get out of bed then he goes and cups his cheek and kisses him like he did the first time they kissed.

 

When they get upstairs Phil is glaring at Fury.  Melinda is staring at the floor and everyone else seems to be on edge, with the exception of Tony, who seems to be thoroughly enjoying the show from his vantage point by the bar.  Pepper motions for them to come sit between her and Sam. They do; Bucky sits next to Pepper while he makes Steve sit next to Sam.  Clint and Natasha each have an arm of the couch while Bruce is pacing behind them.

 

“What’s going on?  I thought Fury would be gone by now.”  Bucky says in an angry whisper.

 

“Phil’s not letting him leave.  He’s pissed on Steve behalf I think.  It’s really very sweet.”  Pepper whispers back.

 

“Steve has nothing to do with it.  You want to tell them Fury or should I?”  Phil says angrily.

 

“Phil calm down.”  Melinda says trying to calm him.

 

“What about stay the hell out of this don’t you understand?  Now Fury do want to tell them or should I?”

 

“Phil what the hell are you doing?”  Maria asks.

 

“In case you’ve forgotten SHIELD is my show.  He works for me now if he works for anyone.  So Agent Fury are you going to tell them the rest of the GH-325 story or am I?”  Fury still says nothing so Phil starts to speak.

 

“Fury gives me an assignment one day.  Doesn’t give me many particulars.  Certainly nowhere near what Natasha found.  But enough to pique my curiosity.  He wants me to run trials on it.  Says that from what he’s learned it would be good to have for an “in case of emergency break glass” type situation with the Avengers.  I very quickly realized it would be a horrible idea.  It would do one of two things where Doctor Banner was concerned; it would either force the other guy out permanently or screw him up so bad he wouldn’t be able to control the other guy.  Steve… well I couldn’t tell what it would do to Steve.  All the tests I had my team at the time run on it came back inconclusive and I wouldn’t allow them to take his blood while he was sleeping so we only had the sample from when he was originally found.  Thor, I had no idea what it would do.  Jane wasn’t exactly forthcoming.  And _someone_ stole his sample from the hospital when he first came to the planet.  It’s fine Jane I get it.  As for the three of you, the effects it had on normal humans are too many to get into.  As it is I have Jemma run tests on me and Skye all the time just to make sure we don’t suffer any of them.  Point to the long story is he claimed this GH-325 was a new experimental drug.  Now I find out not only has it been around since 1944, but it was used on….  Barnes and he knew it.  Yet did nothing to try and find him and help him.  So you’re right Fury, I am pissed off.  You should have tried to find him.  You knew he was the Winter Soldier.  You did **_nothing._** I thought you were a better man than that”

 

Steve gets up and goes out on the balcony.  He needs to cool off or he’s going to do something incredibly stupid.  He hears someone come out and is surprised to find Jane standing next to him.  He nods and they just stare out at the skyline.

 

“He’d be here you know, if things in Asgard weren’t such a mess.  But he wants you to know he’s happy for you.  He said you always seemed a little lost.  Like a part of you was missing.  He’s glad to know you’re whole again.  His words not mine.  He said he hoped you’d understand.”

 

“I do.  We were talking about you one day.  He asked me if I had anyone who I loved like he loves you, which I think you know is with everything he is, and I told him once a long time ago.  He guessed Bucky.  I don’t know how, but he did.  He need any help.  We could…”

 

“It’s Loki.  He doesn’t want any of you getting involved.  He won’t even let me come visit.  You know, I’ve looked at the tests Tony’s run on Bucky’s arm.  I have a few tests of my own I’d like to run while I’m here if you think he’d be up….”  They both turn at the loud crash coming from inside.

 

They go inside to find Bucky on the ground with May holding a gun on him.  Nick is holding his nose.  Bucky looks like he did on the helicarrier before Steve got through to him.  Steve goes and takes May’s gun from her and tosses it to Phil.  Then he gets down in front of Bucky and speaks to him softly.

 

“What happened?”

 

“I decided to tell Fury exactly what I thought of him and what he’d done.  Then I hit him.  I didn’t use my metal hand.  I swear.  And I didn’t think I’d hit him hard enough to break his nose but apparently I did.  I’m not apologizing Steve.”

 

“I don’t want you to.  You all right otherwise.”

 

“No.  I’m pissed off.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Steve.”  Bucky says then gives him a look.  Steve just leans over and kisses him.

 

“I could totally have him on the ropes with a trash can lid.  But I love that you want to protect me.”

 

“Could the two of you _please_ get a room?”  Tony says, but Steve can tell he’s just kidding.

 

“Not now, Tony.”  Pepper warns.

 

“Nah, he’s all right Pepper.”  Bucky says getting to his feet.

 

He goes back and sits down next to Pepper who settles him so he’s resting his head on her.  Then she runs her fingers through his hair, not unlike a mother would.  Bucky seems to relax.  Steve mouths a ‘thank you’ to her, which luckily Bucky doesn’t see because his eyes are closed.

 

“Maria I think you and Nick should leave.  And I’ll expect your resignation on my desk first thing.”  Tony says.

 

“You can’t do that.”  Maria says defiantly.

 

“Hell, I can’t.  I sign your paychecks.  It’s my name on the door.  I want your resignation on my desk, not Pepper’s first thing in the morning.  Now both you get out.”  They have enough sense to do so.

 

“Phil, you going to be around tomorrow?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Good, walk with me for a minute.”

 

“Tell me this isn’t going to be like last time.”

 

“It’s not.”  Tony says as he walks the team to the door.

 

“I want to see those files.”

 

“Call me once you’re up I’ll bring them by.   You need anything else?”

 

“No, if I do I’ll get it from Jemma.”

 

“All right.”

 

“I am so sorry about this.  If I had had any idea I would have said something.  Please make sure they know that.  And tell Captain Rogers I’ll understand if he doesn’t want to go tomorrow night.” 

 

“Jemma, I already told you I’d pick you up at seven.”  Steve says coming to give her a quick hug goodbye.

 

Tony and Steve head back into the living room to find Clint and Natasha curled up on the love seat Bucky still laying on Pepper half asleep.  He’s having half a conversation with Sam.  Bruce and Jane are in the corner in deep conversation.  Bucky lifts his head when he hears his name and tests.

 

“I was telling Steve earlier I had some tests I wanted to run if you’d let me.  I’d completely understand if you weren’t.”

 

“How long are you here for?”

 

“End of next week.”

 

“Care to grab coffee tomorrow night around seven?”

 

“I’ll make sure I’m free.”  She says happily. 

 

Bruce offers to show her to her room on his way to his.  They make their goodnights and head out of the room.  Sam checks to with Bucky who tells him to check with Steve.  Steve asks if they can talk on their run in the morning.  He agrees then says his good nights as well.  Bucky’s about to go down to the apartment by himself when Natasha stops him.

 

“You know I’m sorry about earlier, right?”

 

“I know, Natalia.”

 

“All right.”

 

“I can’t take it anymore, so unless it’s going to throw you into a panic attack someone better explain to me what it is between you two.”  Tony says.

 

“We had a thing.  I trained her.  End of story.”

 

“A thing?  What kind of thing?”

 

“A thing, Stark.  You’re a smart guy I’m sure you can figure it out.”  Bucky says then heads to the elevators.

 

“You coming, punk.”

 

“In a bit.”  Steve says shifting foot to foot.  Bucky doesn’t seem to notice he’s uncomfortable and lets the door close.

 

“Steve he.. He….” Nat tries.

 

“I know he didn’t know who he was.  I get it.”  Steve says angrily.  He heads back to the gym, not even sure why he’s upset.

 

Tony finds him punching the bag half an hour later.  His hands are bleeding again.    Tony says nothing just grabs hold of the bag.  This he can do.  This is the type of support he can offer.  They don’t talk for a while.  Steve just hits the bag.  They have to switch bags because Steve manages to punch a hole in it.  Finally two hours later Steve stops.  Then he just collapses on the floor.  Tony hands him a bottle of water before sitting down next to him.

 

“You want to go down to the lab?”

 

“No.”

 

“All right, look if you tell Pepper we had any of this discussion I not only will deny it, but I’ll put the suit on and use you for tactical practice.  Got me?”

 

“Got it.”

 

“What can I do?  How can I help here?  I mean me finding out SHIELD lied isn’t that big of a deal.  But I can imagine for you it’s huge.  I don’t know maybe SHIELD having lied isn’t what’s bugging you.  But then I’ve never really had much use for Nick.  So how can I help?”

 

“I want to know exactly what he knew and when.  I want to know why he never thought to bring Bucky in and try to help him.  How did I not see it?  How did I not see that he was just like every bully I ever stood up against back then?  There used to be this boy in the neighborhood, Willie… I can’t think of his last name.  But he used to think because he was bigger than all of other kids and smarter than most of them, well except me and Bucky, that he ruled the place.  Used to force the kids to give him their lunches.  Used to claim he knew things too, things that would get them into trouble.  Never told any of them what it was, but the kids fell for it.  So one day Abbigail Jenkins decides she’s not gonna do it.  Doesn’t care what he thinks he knows.  Kicks him in the shin and takes off.  He grabs her by her ponytail and throws her to the ground.  Which is when I showed up.  He thought I was gonna be an easy fight.  Everyone knew I was sick all the time.  So he starts in on me.  But I’m giving as good as I’m getting till he gets a shot near my lung.  Then out of nowhere there’s Bucky punching him so hard…”

 

“You okay?”  Tony asks.  He was more than willing to let Steve ramble, sure he’d get back to the point of the story, but now that Steve’s stopped he’s not so sure.  Steve looks as lost as Barnes does sometimes.  It’s a little scary, more than really.

 

“Huh?  Sorry what were we talking about?”  Steve asks.  Tony gives him a worried look.

 

“Don’t go anywhere I’ll be right back.  Promise me you’re just going to sit here.”

 

“Okay.  Yeah.”

 

Tony races out of the gym telling JARVIS to keep an eye on Steve.  He heads up to Sam’s and doesn’t even bother knocking.  He finds Sam sitting on the couch in his boxers talking to Bucky who’s sitting on the coffee table looking frazzled.

 

“Not that I mind, Stark but you could have knocked.”

 

“Steve says it’s his tower he doesn’t have to.”  Bucky says jokingly.  He goes serious once he gets a good look at Tony.

 

“What’s wrong?”  Bucky asks, his protective streak kicking into high gear.

 

“He was in the gym so I spotted him.  We got to talking.  Sam it’s…. Can I talk to you in the hall?”

 

“Stark.”  Bucky warns.

 

“Let me get the details.  I’ll explain it, all right.”

 

“I’ll be in the gym.”

 

“No.  Barnes.  Just no. Not yet.”  Tony says.  Bucky glares at him but stays put.

 

Tony relays the whole thing to Sam who just hmmms.  They go back in and Sam explains things to Bucky.  He tries to sugar coat it so it doesn’t seem as bad as it is, but Bucky knows.  He knows Steve better than any of them.  He knows what’s going on.  He races down to the gym to find Steve with his knees up resting his head on his arms rocking back and forth.  He goes over and wraps himself around him.  He whispers something to him and Steve turns so his head is buried in Bucky’s shoulder.

 

“Willie huh.  Yeah I guess I can see it.  Though that kid was just an ass.”

 

“I…”  Steve says then stops when he realizes they aren’t alone.

 

“Want me to finish it for ya punk?”

 

“Sure.”  Steve says collapsing even more against Bucky.  Bucky shifts so he’s holding him better.

 

“See what none of us knew till that day was that Willie’s dad was the beat cop assigned to the neighborhood.  Everyone kinda avoided Willie like the plague.  His mother had this look about her any time any of us walked past the house.  Anyway, his dad was the beat cop.  It was how he got what he did on the kids’ parents.  His dad used to talk about everyone in the neighborhood at the dinner table.  Abbigail though she wasn’t scared of anything.  She wasn’t going to let him bully her.  The hair pulling incident wasn’t the only fight she got into with him.  And Stevie was always right there with her.  I’d show up and she’d be all ‘Bucky I’m so sorry I’ve gotten him into another fight.’ Like he would have stayed out of it.  Not Stevie.”

 

“You don’t bully a lady.  Not that you should bully anyone.”  Bucky looks down worried.  The accent’s creeping out again.  If Tony or Sam pick up on it they don’t say.

 

“Please tell me she doesn’t end up married to him.”  Sam says with a chuckle.

 

“No.  He went off to the war.  Never came home.  Died overseas.  Not sure what happened to Abbigail.”

 

“She still lives in the old neighborhood.  She’s kinda become the neighborhood grandma.  I go visit her sometimes.  She insists upon it.  She’s gonna want to see you too.”

 

“We’ll see.  You want to move?”  Bucky says running his fingers through Steve’s hair.

 

“No.”  Steve says.  Tony just shakes his head.

 

“Everything all right down here?”  Pepper asks coming into the room.

 

“No.”  Steve says.

 

“Come on you, let’s leave the old men to do their weird old men things.  Rogers I’ll look into what we talked about.  I’ll get you your answers.”  Tony says taking Pepper’s hand and leading her out of the room.  She stops him and glances back at Bucky.

 

“I’ve got him.  Go on.”

 

“If you’re sure.  I don’t mind sticking around.”

 

“I’m sure.  Thanks though.”  She nods then goes over to the both of them and kisses the tops of their heads.  She whispers something to Bucky and he just nods.  Then she and Tony leave.

 

“You want me to stick around?”

 

“No.  Seriously, Sam, I’ve got this.  I know exactly what to do.”

 

“All right.  You know where I am if you need me.  I’ll grab him at six tomorrow morning.”

 

“Thanks.”  Bucky waits till Sam’s gone before he turns his attention back to Steve.

 

“The point to the story was Willie’s dad wasn’t it.  That’s what you were trying to get to.  That’s who reminds you of Fury.  Cause I know you, you thought he was as much a bully as Willie was.”  Steve just nods.

 

“I’m falling apart, Buck.”

 

“Then I’m just gonna have to hold you together like always.”   Bucky says kissing his temple.

 

They stay like that for a while.  Not saying anything, Steve just leans into Bucky more now and then like he used to when he was scared he wasn’t going to make it.  Taking the strength Bucky has to offer.  Bucky kisses his temple every now and then.  Steve dozes off and Bucky shifts so he can be more comfortable.  Steve just curls himself back into the crook of Bucky’s neck. 

 

Bucky tries to get up and hold Steve at the same time and fails miserably.  They end up back on the floor.  Steve wakes with a startled oof.  He laughs at the look on Bucky’s face then kisses him.  He gets to his feet and then pulls Bucky to his.  Then Steve kisses him again before leading him out of the gym.  They walk hand and hand to the elevator and up to the apartment.  Bucky doesn’t even ask he just arranges the cushions then pulls Steve to him.

 

“I was gonna let you sleep in the bed tonight.”  Steve says quietly.

 

“Where were you gonna be?”

 

“I dunno.  My mind’s going a mile a minute.”   Bucky kisses him.  He kisses down his neck and his chest and Steve just moans pulls at his hair then pulls him back up to kiss him again.

 

“Buck, what are you doing?” He asks quietly as he pulls away.

 

“I.. just… I thought…. It used to… I used to before….”  He says looking down.

 

“Oh, Buck, you don’t have to.  I… Do you want to?”

 

“I… I want you to be okay.”  Bucky says kissing him.

 

“Will you hold me and sing to me?”  Steve asks sounding like he did when he was sick.

 

“Sure.  Come here.  You know if you’d wanted…”  Bucky starts.  Steve just puts a finger on his lips.

 

“I know, but honestly this is going to help me more.  I promise.”  Steve says at the look on Bucky’s face.

 

“God we’re quite the pair ain’t we?”  He says with a chuckle.

 

“We always have been.”  Steve says smiling.  He yawns and he snuggles into Bucky kissing his shoulder.

 

“I love you, ya know.”  Bucky says looking down to find Steve sleeping.

 

“Punk, I didn’t even get to sing to you.”  Bucky notices Steve smile in his sleep and snuggle in more.

 

“Oh fine.  _The very thought of you.  And I forget to do….”_ Steve smiles more and Bucky ends up singing the whole song letting Steve get so close he’s on top of him.  He finishes the song and shifts to get comfortable before drifting to sleep himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't ask me where the Bucky singing to Steve thing came from. Or why it won't leave but, apparently in this little 'verse it's a thing.


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter. Which I want all of you to know took me forever to write because the computer kept getting too hot so it kept shutting off and not auto saving. So there's the lesson gang. Stop and save. But I got it to flow in a way I'm happy with. I hope you all enjoy.

Steve wakes the next morning at his usual time but doesn’t move.  He kisses Bucky’s neck and then his chin.  He kisses each cheek and his forehead before finally kissing his lips.  Bucky bats him away and grunts something.  But then he leans down and kisses Steve anyway.  They trade lazy kisses for a while.  Bucky’s still half asleep and Steve really doesn’t feel like moving.  They stay like that until Sam knocks on the door.

 

“You gonna get up?”  Bucky asks, pecking Steve on the lips.

 

“No.  I want to stay here.”

 

“JARVIS, please let Sam know Steve’s cancelling their run.”

“Already done Sergeant Barnes.  But Mr. Wilson is insisting he and Captain Rogers meet for lunch.”

 

“Thanks.”  Bucky says then kisses the top of Steve’s head.

 

“So we gonna stay in bed all morning and make out?”

 

“Buck!”  Steve says with a laugh.

 

“What?”  Bucky says laughing when Steve pokes him in the ribs.

 

“You’re awful.  Maybe I could catch Sam.”  Steve says making to get out of bed.

 

Bucky grabs him and pulls him back to him.  Then he flips them over and tickles Steve.  Steve starts crying uncle and Bucky just leans down and kisses him.  He lets it get heated.  He moans into it.  He lets Steve rut against him.  He ruts against Steve.  He comes with a cry of Steve’s name.  Steve isn’t far behind.  Steve kisses him again.  Bucky pulls away.  But then goes back in for a peck on the lips.

 

“You okay?”  Steve asks.

 

“Yeah.  More than.  We did that the morning of the expo didn’t we?”

 

“Yeah, we’d been doing that for a while.  It was all I thought I was going to have.  You sure you’re okay?”

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“I’m starving.  But I need a shower first.”

 

“I can go grab us… you know what screw it… mind if I join you?”  Steve’s brain short circuits.

 

“Did you… shower… uh…”  Bucky gets out of bed and strips then goes to stand in front of Steve and kisses him as he speaks.

 

“Why yes Captain I did.  Now did you want me to join you?”  Steve just moans.  It sounds really loud to him.  Loud enough that everyone probably heard it in the tower.  He blushes.

 

“Buck.”  Steve says then surges forward and kisses him. 

 

Bucky feels how hard Steve is and reaches down between the two of them.  Steve throws his head back and Bucky kisses the exposed skin.  Steve comes moaning Bucky’s name.  He slumps against him and Bucky manages to pick him up and carry him into the bathroom.  He sets him down then gets the water to the right temperature.  He sets Steve in the tub then gets in behind him.

 

“Lean back.  I’ll wash your hair.” 

 

Steve does so and Bucky cups his hands to get water.  Then he squeezes the shampoo and gentle massages it into Steve’s scalp.  He does the same with the conditioner then sets about the rest. Steve tries to hide the tears that are falling.  Bucky leans down and kisses his shoulder.

 

“I’m right here.  Not going anywhere.”  Bucky says kissing his shoulder again.

 

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

 

“You’ve been on an emotional roller coaster since 1945.”  Bucky says as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.  Steve shivers slightly and Bucky pulls the stop.

 

“Come on out of the tub.  Water’s getting cold.”   

 

Bucky takes on of the big fluffy towels off the rack and dries Steve off then he wraps one of the equally fluffy robes around Steve; before leading him back to bed.  He then makes Steve get back into bed and is out the door before Steve can even ask what’s going on. 

 

He comes back with two plates piled high of food.  Steve just throws his head back and laughs before making room so Bucky can sit down.  Bucky kisses him then ducks back out again.  He comes back this time with two cups of coffee.  He puts one on Steve’s side of the bed.  He kisses Steve softly before heading over to his side of the bed to sit down.

 

“Not that I mind, but what is all this?”

 

“It’s usually called breakfast, Steve.”

 

“I know that.  I meant... never mind.”

 

“It’s called me taking care of you.  I know it’s been over seventy years but I didn’t think you’d have forgotten what it was like.”  Bucky’s tone is light, and he’s got a playful look on his face but Steve still feels awful.

 

“Sorry.”  Steve says kissing his shoulder.  Bucky kisses the frown from his face.

 

“I’m not mad.  I just… I wanted to do this for you.”

 

“Oh.”  Steve says quietly.

 

“What?”  Bucky asks shifting so he can move the empty plates to his nightstand.

 

“You know I’m not upset about the whole Nat thing right.  You know I get it.  I mean you didn’t know who you were let alone who I was and even if you had you thought I was dead.  I just wish she’d told me once we knew you were… Why is it you’re the only one honest with me?  Especially if I’m such a great guy?”  Steve asks.

 

“You know, they’d argue I should have told you sooner.  They being everyone at the meeting last night.  Hell I’m pretty sure even Tony would.  I just wasn’t sure what was what.  I mean I kept seeing her in my head but there’s nothing else there.  With you I get everything.  A memory will come to me and if it’s a good one it makes me happy.  If it’s a not so good one I get a little sad.  And if it’s one I can’t figure out if it’s real or not then I ask you.  And the really bad ones… the ones from the Soldier well you’ve seen what those do.  I wasn’t sure if it was just from the last mission or not.  Then we were talking the other night and I got a flash of us… in a bed.  And I knew.  I wanted to tell you, but then I had the attack and I couldn’t.  Steve…”  Bucky says looking away.  Steve reaches over and turns Bucky back to face him.  Then he kisses him.

 

“It’s okay.”

 

“No it’s really not.  I keep hurting you.”  Bucky says moving to get out of bed.  Steve shifts so he’s keeping Bucky where he is.

 

“Stay.  Please.  I am honestly not mad at you.  I know if you’d thought for one second what you were seeing meant what it ended up meaning you would have said something.  I know you kept it from me because you wanted to be sure.  It’s enough that you wanted to tell me.”  Steve says, kissing him.

 

Bucky deepens the kiss for a second then pulls away.  He shifts so he can hold Steve so he won’t see that he’s upset.  Steve knows though and manages to shift them so Bucky’s laying with his head in his lap.  Steve’s running his fingers through Bucky’s hair and leaning down to give him kisses.  Bucky smiles then.

 

“There it is.”  Steve says kissing him again.

 

“What?”

 

“The smile.  I didn’t mean to ruin the mood.”

 

“You didn’t, punk.”  As if to emphasize his point Bucky shifts them once more so he’s on top of Steve.  He kisses all over Steve’s face laughing as Steve tries to move away.

 

“Buck, stop it.”  Steve says through his laughter.

 

“Make me.  If ya think you can.”  Steve stills.  Bucky’s saying it like he’s kidding but his eyes are saying something else.  Deciding to let Bucky be the one to control things just got a whole lot more difficult.

 

“Well.”  Bucky says rutting against him.

 

“Buck…”  Steve moans.

 

“Hmmm?”  He does it again.  Steve is quickly losing control here.

 

“Come on Captain.  Can’t tell me you’re gonna run away from a challenge.”

 

Steve surges up and kisses him.  He flips them so he’s on top then gets out of bed and heads for the bathroom.  Bucky’s in front of him just as he reaches the door.  He turns Steve around and leads him back to the bed.

 

“I got ya all worked up.  I’ll be the one to take care of it.  And before you say it, I want to.  God, Steve do you have any idea what you do to me?”  Then he’s kissing him messily and Steve is just melting into it.

 

Steve has to put the brakes on.  He knows he does.  This is all happening way too fast and he’s not sure he could handle another episode right now.  It’s just what Bucky’s doing feels amazing and Damnit if he doesn’t want to be selfish just this once.  He bucks his hips when Bucky takes him into his mouth.  Bucky looks up at him and Steve lets go.  He feels awful about not warning him.  But Bucky doesn’t seem to mind.  Steve just sinks more into the bed.

 

“You all right there, Cap?”

 

“Fuck.  That was better than I remember.  I’m…”  Bucky kisses him.

 

“It’s okay.  And I’ve been wanting to do that for days.  I’m okay.  Just um…”

 

“You need me to wait to reciprocate?”

 

“Yeah.  I’m sorry everything’s so slow.”

 

“Don’t be.  I told you we’d go at your pace.  Just don’t be surprised if I don’t let you out of bed for a week once you can handle everything.”

 

“That sounds amazing.”  Bucky says kissing his temple.

 

“Get some sleep, Stevie.”

 

“’Mkay.  Love you.  Stay with me.”

 

“Love you too, and I wasn’t planning on going anywhere.”

They don’t hear the knock on the door at noon.  And JARVIS simply sets an alarm for them for five.  He informs Sam that he’s cancelling the lunch due to breakthroughs both of them have made on their own.  Sam just shakes his head and goes to find Pepper.  If there’s a huge grin on his face when he finally does Pepper doesn’t judge.

 


	18. Chapter Eighteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made this extra long because you guys had to wait. Hope you all enjoy.

Bucky wakes before Steve does.  He shifts to get up but Steve tightens his hold.  Bucky chuckles and shifts a bit then settles back in.  Steve kisses the metal shoulder then murmurs something.  He rolls away from Bucky and murmurs something else.  Bucky stiffens then.  The only time Steve has ever talked in his sleep is when he’s at a breaking point.  Bucky’s hit with a memory and it makes him unbelievably sad.  He shakes Steve to wake him.

 

“Buck?”  Steve says sleepily.

 

“C’mere punk.”  Bucky says, hoping Steve can’t tell he’s upset. 

 

“What’s the matter?  Buck, what is it, what’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing, not really.  You were talking in your sleep.  I remembered right after your ma died you did that for days.  It just hit me a little harder than I expected.”  Steve doesn’t say anything, just shifts and holds Bucky close, kissing his temple as Bucky settles his head on Steve’s chest.

 

“Love you.”  Steve says and then he’s back to sleep.  Bucky lets Steve’s steady heartbeat lull him back to sleep as well.

 

They both wake minutes before the alarm and because Steve has to go out Bucky tells him to take a shower first.  Steve asks him to call Jemma and see if she’d like to grab a bite to eat before they go and Bucky just throws his head back and laughs before pecking Steve on the lips.  He does as Steve asks anyway.

 

Bucky goes up to the common room to find Sam and Pepper sitting at the table with beer bottles and a wine bottle, another open, chatting away.  He ignores it when he hears both of their names.  He goes to find Jane and JARVIS tells him she’s down in the lab with Tony and Bruce.  He heads down and finds the three of them all looking over x-rays of his arm.  He clears his throat and of course Tony makes the x-rays disappear.

 

“You could have left those up you know.  That doesn’t bother me.  It’s the whole process that goes into getting to that, that’s the issue.”

 

“I know.  I just figured we’d be nice and not figure out new ways to poke and prod you while you were in the room.   So what brings you down here, Barnes?”

 

“I was looking for Ms. or is it doctor?”  He asks, turning to Jane.

 

“It’s doctor.  But please call me Jane.”

 

“All right.  James.”

 

“It’s very nice to meet you.  We still on for later tonight?”

 

“Yeah.  Seven all right?”

 

“Perfect.”

 

“Oh good now both the old men have playdates.  What Barnes?”  Tony asks at the amused look on Bucky’s face.

 

“Pepper’s on one with Sam right now.  According to JARVIS it’s been an all afternoon event.  She even cancelled meetings.  Best be careful Stark, he might just steal your woman away from you.”  Bucky says leaving the lab.   He barks out a laugh as Tony demands from JARVIS to see footage from the lunch.

 

“Playdate my ass.  They did nothing but talk about the two of them.”  Tony says pointing to Bucky’s retreating back.

 

“Maybe we shouldn’t watch to this.”  Jane says quietly, even as she and Bruce lean in to watch.

 

“ _What did JARVIS mean exactly by breakthroughs?”  Sam asks spooning the pasta salad onto his plate,_

_“With JARVIS it could be anything.  But if he cancelled it, given how taken he is with Bucky I’d say he must have felt it was significant.  Though to be honest I’m more worried about Steve right now.  You didn’t see him in the gym the other night.  Sam I wanted to just hold him and let him cry for as long as he needed to.  And Tony is even worried about him.  Not that he’ll openly admit it”_

_“He’s not the only one.  Bruce has come to talk to me more than once about Steve.  I know he has survivor’s guilt.  I know he feels like he failed Bucky.  I’ve tried telling him he didn’t.  I can’t get through.  Course that was before Bucky came back.  Now he refuses to focus on himself.  He’s barely taking care of himself.”  Sam says._

_“And Bucky’s picking up the slack.  Which is the last thing he should be doing.”  Pepper says._

_“Steve knows he is.  He’s said as much to me on our morning runs.  He keeps saying he wishes Bucky would just worry about himself.  Then I point out Bucky would if Steve would take care of himself.  We just end up talking in circles because Steve doesn’t realize there’s more to taking care of himself than just eating and sleeping.”  Sam says grabbing a beer from the fridge._

_“Fury and Hill lying to him haven’t helped matters any.  I can’t believe the two of them.  Then to try and bullshit their way out of it.  Steve had the right idea get rid of all of it.  HYDRA and SHIELD.”_

_‘You think Tony firing Hill’s going to stick?”  Sam asks pouring Pepper a glass of wine._

_“If I have anything to say about it, it will.  Steve could have found him.  Steve could have saved him.  Or at the very least tried.  I almost get the sense the two of them don’t think they did anything wrong, which is what pisses me off more.”_

_“You’re not even willing to give them a tiny benefit of the doubt are you?”_

_“You can’t tell me you are, Sam.”_

_“No.  I’m not.  I haven’t trusted Fury since he faked his death.  Now with what we’ve learned I trust him even less.  But then I’m not entirely sure how I feel about SHIELD nowadays.  I trust Coulson I suppose; and Tripp and Jemma are all right.  But the rest I wouldn’t trust as far as I could throw them.  Which with the wings is far enough.”_

_“So what are we going to do about the Captain?”_

_“I don’t know.  Bucky’s going to insist he be in on anything we decide.  He’s just as stubborn about Steve as Steve is about him.  I get why, but it’d be nice to not feel like I’m continuously running into a brick wall with both of them.  Part of me says send Steve on a vacation away from everything.”_

_“He won’t go without Bucky though.”_

_“I know.  See what I mean about going around in circles?”_

_“I’ll talk to Bucky.  See what he thinks.  If it comes from me maybe he won’t end up feeling like it’s his fault Steve’s in the state he’s in.”  Pepper says bringing their dishes to the sink._

_“Let’s hope so.  I feel like we’re finally starting to make progress.  It’s still going in baby steps but I finally feel like we’re moving more forward than backward.  But if Steve keeps going the way he is Bucky’s going to want me to focus only on him.  I’m beginning to think I’ve bitten off more than I can chew.  Or that I should just make getting their heads screwed back on straight my full time job.”_

_“How did the interview go?”  Pepper asks._

_“Good.  I’ve got it if I want it.  It was just a formality.  But the two of them are taking up so much of my time I don’t know that something wouldn’t suffer.”_

_“Let me look at a few things.  See what I can come up with.  Tony jokingly said something the other day.  So I might be able to get him to agree to what I’m thinking.”_

_“Which is?”_

_“Putting you on the payroll.  Making you counselor to the Avengers.  Look, before you say it I know you don’t have formal training.  And I know the confidentiality rules would be different.  But they all like you.  They trust you to keep their secrets.  So let me work up some numbers.  Just consider it.”_

_“All right.  I’ll think about it.  I’ll wait to make my decision until you get back to me.”_

_“Good.  Why do I feel like we haven’t solved anything?”_

_“Because we’re dealing with a super solider and his ex-assassin lover.  I didn’t delude myself into thinking we were going to solve anything today.  It’s enough that I have someone I can talk to about this.  How bad was he the other night?”_

_“I don’t think Bucky even knew what to do.  Bucky looked like a deer in headlights worse than he did when he first came here.  Finding out Fury and Hill lied to him has shaken Steve in a way I don’t think Bucky knows how to fix.”_

_“And yet JARVIS is claiming they’ve made breakthroughs.  The more I hear about what’s been happening with Steve the less I believe it.  And I can’t talk to him tonight.”_

_“Oh right his playdate with Jemma.  You know given what happened I’m sure she’d understand if Steve cancelled.”_

_“He won’t.  You know how he is.  He’s going to say he’s fine.  That he made a promise and Steve Rogers doesn’t break his promises.  Sometimes his being such an upstanding guy sucks.”  Pepper just laughs._

 

Tony, Bruce and Jane watch Bucky come through the room and continue down to the lab.  Tony pauses it for a moment.  Then he heads for the elevator himself.  Bruce and Jane are hot on his heels.  They hit the elevator just as the doors about to close.  They reach the dining room and all sit at the table.  Bruce grabs a beer.  Jane pours herself a glass of wine.  Tony a scotch.

 

“Answer is yes. Work up some numbers.  Do whatever you have to and get Wilson here on the payroll.  Now as for the old men I have a thought on what to do about Steve.”

 

“Tony, you really shouldn’t listen in on private conversations.”

 

“Yes Pepper I know.  I just can’t help myself.  Look, it’s more than survivor’s guilt.  It’s not just that he survived and Bucky’s been through hell.  He feels like he should be doing more now.  Oh he’s not saying it, but trust me the man is thinking it.”

 

“He’s doing everything he can.  Bucky’s only going to let him do so much.”  Sam says getting exasperated.

 

“I know.   Look, we need to convince Barnes to tell him he’s doing enough.  We can tell him till he’s blue in the face.  Until it comes from Barnes’s mouth Steve’s not going to believe it.”

 

“I’m not even sure that would work.”  Bruce says.

 

“You have a better idea, big guy?”

 

“Not at the moment.  I think Sam needs to keep working with both of them.  As much as they’ll let him of course.”

 

Before Sam can say anything Steve comes in.  Pepper gets up and goes over to him.  She straightens his tie and then brushes imaginary lint from his shoulders before nodding her approval.  Jane does as well.  Tony grabs his phone out of his pocket and snaps a picture.  Steve fully expects it to be framed and in the apartment by the time he and Bucky get back.

 

“Gotta admit you clean up nice Cap.” Sam says with a whistle. 

 

“Wait, you need flowers.”  Jane says.

 

“It’s not… uh um… Miss Potts a little help here.”

 

“Oh no you don’t.  He’s on his own here.”  Tony says enjoying the fact Steve is squirming.  Bucky picks that moment to walk in holding a bouquet of flowers.

 

“Here, punk give these to Jemma.  You can say they’re from both of us if ya want.  Now go have fun.  Don’t step on her feet.  It’s bad form.  Remember what I taught ya.  And don’t try the back flip move.  It still needs work.  Love you.”  Bucky says kissing him then shoving him towards the door.

 

“Jane give me ten and then we can head out.”

 

“Sure.”  Jane says.  Tony waits till Bucky’s gone again before he bursts out laughing.

 

“Okay what the hell was that?”

 

“I think it’s sweet.”  Jane says, Pepper nods her agreement.  Tony throws his hands up and heads back for the lab motioning Sam and Bruce to follow as he goes.

 

Bucky comes back and asks Jane if it would be all right if Pepper joined them.  Jane agrees and the three of them head out.  They go to the Starbucks around the corner from the tower and run into Steve and Jemma.  Jemma goes up and gives Bucky a hug.

 

“Thank you.”  She says into his ear.

 

“Anytime.  Now he’s had lessons, mind you it was seventy years ago and he wasn’t that great, but he won’t be awful.  I told him not to step on your feet.  And I told him not to try the backflip.  It’ll be a disaster.”

 

“Oh that’s fine.  Fitz can’t get that move right either.  Shall we, Captain?” 

 

“Sure.”

 

“Oh, Jemma?”

 

“Yes, James?”

 

“You look gorgeous.”  Jemma blushes and Steve rolls his eyes.  Bucky throws his head back and laughs.  Pepper just watches the whole thing and smiles.  She makes a note to ask Bruce if there’s anything she can do for Fitz.

 

They grab a table in the back and Jane pulls out her computer.  Bucky shifts uncomfortable with being so out in the open.  Once Pepper gets back with their drinks she insists he takes the seat in the corner so he can watch everything.  He kisses her on the cheek as a thank you.  He has to chuckle when she too blushes.

 

Steve and Jemma arrive at the club and Steve insists on paying.  They grab a table and some drinks, all of which Steve once again pays for.  Jemma tries to remind him this isn’t a real date but he won’t hear of it, telling her a gentleman doesn’t let a lady pay.  They finish their dinks then hit the dance floor.  To Jemma’s amazement, given what Phil and Bucky have said. Steve is actually a pretty good dancer.

 

“So you never, before.  I mean…”  Jemma trails off.

 

“I was supposed to, but I ended up crashing the plane.  Never got the chance.  I don’t do this well.  Bucky gave me a few lessons, mostly so the girls he set me up with would still have feet, but I never got the more complex steps down.”

 

“I think it was just a matter of not having the right partner.  Something tells me if you and he could dance you’d be a wonderful dancer.  Look, you don’t have to answer this.  It’s none of my business really.  But… well... have you considered coming out?”

 

“Everyday.  But we haven’t even figured out how to tell the world about Bucky.  Add that to me being not as straight as everyone thinks I am and it’d be a public relations nightmare.  I don’t want to add that pressure to Buck’s recovery.  It’s enough for me that he’s back.”

 

Jemma doesn’t say anything in reply.  She doesn’t really know what to say.  All she knows is now she feels incredibly sad for the both of them.  With everything they’ve been through adding this to the mix just doesn’t seem fair somehow.

 

“It’s all right. It’ll happen someday.  Like I said I’m just glad I have him back.”  Jemma hides her face in Steve’s shoulder.

 

“Oh god, I said all of that out loud.  I’d completely understand if you wanted to take me home now.”

 

“Of course not.  I’m having a good time.  Now what about you and Fitz?”

 

“That is just a disaster.  We got trapped, no thanks to Ward.  We admitted how we felt about each other.  Then he sacrificed himself to save me.  I go from being incredibly angry to incredibly sad most days.  Honestly, James allowing me to help with his arm is a blessing really.  It keeps my mind off everything.”

 

“If there’s anything I can do, please don’t hesitate to ask.”

 

“Thank you.  You know I could go for another drink.”  Jemma says clearing her throat.

 

Steve leads her over to their table then heads for the bar.  He comes back with a martini for her and beer for himself.  The band starts to play _Sing Sing Sing_ and Steve pulls Jemma back out onto the dance floor.  He tries the back flip and they somehow manage to make it look flawless much to Jemma’s delight.  When the song ends they head back to the table to finish their drinks.

 

“Sorry.  That’s always been a favorite of mine.  I think it’s because of Bucky.  He used to love to dance to it and well in his uniform he was always quite handsome.  You don’t want to hear that ignore me.”

 

“Oh no.  I’d love to.  But why don’t we get out of here.  It’s a little too loud.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Positive.  Come on.”  They walk back towards the tower in silence for a bit.  Then Jemma decides she’s going to have to ask questions.

 

“So what was he like?”

 

“Bucky?  He was like the sun.  I’d be sick all the time.  And well I was color blind.  I mention this because whenever he was around it was like this burst of color had come into my world.  Not that it changed after the serum.  It didn’t.  He was still this bright burst of light and happiness.  I think it’s why I gave up after the train.  The light and all the color had left my world again.  Cause without him in it, it was just bleak.”

 

“How long have you been in love with him?”

 

“From the second I met him.  I never… we never told each other how we felt.  Not with words.  But I liked to think he knew anyway.  I think he did after I saved him from Zola’s lab the first time.  But we never came out and said it.  You know it’s strange, he thought we had.  He said it to me when he first got to New York.  Which makes me wonder if he’d told me when I’d been too sick to remember it.  That happened a lot.  Me getting sick and not remembering things.”

 

“If… if this is too personal don’t feel like you have to answer; and I’m honestly not trying to upset you.  But Skye and I were talking the other night after we got back.  She said she thought you would have torn SHIELD apart to find whatever you could on him had they told you right after you’d woken up.  She went on to say she didn’t think you would have been able to handle it if you found him.”

 

“She’s right I would have.  But I also think had I found him then it would be worse for both of us.  I was barely handling having woken up seventy years after I’d crashed the plane.  Then the Loki happened.  He wouldn’t have come first.  He wouldn’t have been able to come first.  Loki had to be stopped.  He wouldn’t have understood that.  I don’t think.  I also…. I don’t know if then I would have known what to say to get through to him.  I think seeing him after having had my world already rocked by waking up, I wouldn’t have known what to say.  And even knowing that I’m still extremely angry at all of them for not telling me.  For not giving me the choice of whether or not I wanted to try.  And it’s him so I would have.  He was my whole world before the train.  Still is.”

 

“You are so lucky.  You know that right?”

 

“Of course I do.”  Steve says stopping outside the tower.

 

“Would you like to come in or do you need to get back?”

 

“I’d love to.  I’d like to talk more, unless you don’t want to because we’re here.”

 

“Oh no, we can go up to the roof.  JARVIS won’t let anyone know what we talk about.”  Jemma nods and they take the elevator up to the roof.  Jemma just gapes at the view.  Steve offers her a seat.

 

“How did you get through to him?  I’ve seen… I’ve….”

 

“You’ve seen Zola and Pierce’s files.  You know what they did to him so you’re wondering how I managed to break through it.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“I don’t know.  When I saw him on the bridge I was in shock.  I don’t remember half of what went on.  I remember calling him Bucky.  I remember him asking me who the hell that was.  But then things get hazy.  Though I know we fought.  I just was in such shock.  Sam said to me before the helicarrier I was going to have to stop him.  He didn’t think I could stop him and save him.  To be honest until he showed up on my doorstep I wasn’t sure I could either.  I just knew I had to try.  I just knew that he was worth it.  Whatever it took.”

 

“Wow.  He just showed up out of the blue?”

 

“Yeah.  And it’s been a roller coaster ride ever since.  But it’s been so so worth every second.”

 

“He turning into a sap on you, Jemma?”  Bucky asks coming out onto the roof.  He goes to Steve and kisses his temple.  Then wraps an arm around his waist.

 

“Oh no, he’s been wonderful.  It’s late.  I should probably get back.  Night boys.”

 

“Jemma, let Bruce drive you back all right.  It’s not safe to be out this late.”

 

“I planned on it.  Doctor Banner has a few things he wants to go over with me.  Night.”

 

“Night.”  Steve waits till the elevator closes then he turns to face Bucky.

 

“I love you.”  Steve says, kissing him softly.

 

“You were supposed to go out tonight and have fun.  You were supposed to come back happy.”  Bucky says not bothering to hide his worry.

 

“I did and I am.  Jemma just wanted to talk about you is all.  I don’t mind.  Not really.  And I’m not even sad.  Melancholy maybe, but not sad.  Skye seems to think I would have torn SHIELD apart to get whatever I could had they told me when I woke up.”

 

“You would have.  Then you would have done something stupid like come after me.  It would have been a disaster.”

 

“That’s pretty much what I said too.  She asked about you before too.  So we talked about that a little.  Oh and we managed to pull off the flip.  I know I know you said not to try it but…”  Before Steve can finish Bucky’s kissing him.

 

“Wow, okay what was that for?”

 

“I just wanted to.  So I did.  Sorry I ambushed you again.”

 

“I told you, you don’t have to apologize for that.  Ever.  I want to ask you something.”

 

“All right.”

 

“Do you remember the day you told me you loved me?”

 

“The day we fought, yes, why?”

 

“Cause she asked me if how long I’d been in love with you.  And I told her.  But then I told her that we never said and how you’d thought we had. Then I remembered there’d be times where I’d be so delirious I wouldn’t remember things that we’d said to each other.  So I’m sorry.  Sorry for not remembering if we did say it.  And I’m sorry for making you think you might be remembering things wrong.”

 

“I don’t think we did say it.  I know I wanted to.  I wanted to shout it from rooftops.  But I don’t think we ever said it.”

 

“Oh.  So how was your meeting with Jane?”

 

“We had to reschedule.  She grabbed the wrong flash drive tonight.  So we’re going to go out tomorrow morning.  But it was nice.  Pepper came along and we just had coffee and they let me go on and on about you.  They giggled a lot though.  Dames never used to do that when I talked about you all the time before.”

 

“That’s because they were jealous before, Buck.  God were we ever fooling anyone?”  Steve asks with a chuckle.  Bucky just kisses him.

 

“Come downstairs with me.”  Bucky says wiggling the fingers of his metal hand.  The smile that Steve gives him, Bucky swears is bright enough to light up the entire skyline.

 

When they get down to the apartment Steve hears Sinatra playing softly.  Bucky tells him to stay out in the living room then ducks into the bedroom.  He comes out wearing his old uniform, or one just like it.  The sight takes Steve’s breath away.  Bucky goes up to him and kisses him tenderly.  Then he takes him in his arms and starts to dance with him, singing along with Sinatra as he does so.

 

“Bucky.”  Steve whispers.

 

“Hmmm?”

 

“How?  I… how?”

 

“JARVIS.  I’m not going to lie.  I was a bit jealous tonight.  Not because I thought I had to worry, because I know I don’t.  But because I wanted it to be us.  You know I would have danced with you in that bar if I thought we could have gotten away with it.  And I remembered the night of the expo you telling me how sexy I looked in my uniform.  So I talked to JARVIS about it.  He somehow managed to make it happen.  So here we are.”

 

Steve kisses him again.  Then Bucky dips him while they’re still kissing and all Steve can do is throw his head back and laugh, allowing Bucky to kiss Steve’s neck, which causes him to moan.  That’s what Sam hears as he approaches the door.  That’s the sound that has him running for his own apartment.  That’s the sound that has Sam thinking maybe just maybe the two of them are making their own form of progress.  It’s that thought that puts a smile on Sam’s face.  And if Sam turns the television up a little louder than normal, well no one would blame him.

 


	19. Chapter NIneteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoy. I'm planning on a chapter for each day of the weekend. I have a three day one because of the holiday here in America.

Steve wakes to Bucky kissing along his jaw.  He arches slightly, partly to stretch, partly to give Bucky more skin to kiss.  Bucky sucks on Steve’s neck then nibbles.  Steve just melts into the bed more.  Then Bucky’s claiming his mouth and Steve’s arching up to meet him. 

 

“Morning.”  Bucky says pecking him on the lips.

 

“Morning.  What time is it?”

 

“Little before five.  You could probably still catch Sam.”

 

“I should.  I haven’t been on a run for days.  But I don’t want to move.  You’re ruining my routine.”

 

“That’s not why you want to stay here.  Now come on.  Up you.  I let you avoid talking to Sam yesterday because I knew you weren’t ready and well I was having my own breakthroughs as JARVIS called them when he talked to Pepper.  But not today.”

 

“I don’t need to talk to anyone I’m fine.”

 

“Then do it for me.  Cause I got news for ya pal, you’re not fine.” Bucky says giving him a look.

 

“Buck.  All right I’ll go for my run.”  Steve says getting out of bed.  He chuckles when he hears Bucky whistle at him.

 

“What’s so funny, punk?”

 

“You.  Jerk.”  Steve says turning around to peck him on the lips.  Then he’s moving out of reach and going to change.

 

Steve heads up to the common room to find Sam waiting for him.  They head out and start their run in silence.  Steve’s not really sure where to start. Sam decides, after they’ve run for about ten minutes to take the same approach Jemma had the night before and ask him questions.  Steve wonders if the two of them talked.

 

“So how was your playdate?”

 

“It was fun.  Jemma’s sweet.”

 

“That’s good.”

 

“You did not bring me out here to talk about last night.  You know it.  So do I, so just ask Sam.”

 

“I’d ask how you were doing but I know you.  You’d tell me you were fine, and we both know that would be a lie.”

 

“I told Bucky I was falling apart.  It’s more than just SHIELD.  It’s more than just Fury and Hill lying.  It’s everything.  Not that I can tell him that.  He’ll leave.  I know we’re in a better place than we were when he first got back.  He’s getting better.  But I keep feeling like I have to walk on eggshells.  Like I can’t tell him what’s going on in my head sometimes because I’m so afraid he’s going to think he needs to leave for me to be okay.  Plus I don’t want to set him off.  I don’t want to say or do something that’s going to trigger an episode.  All I want is him back.  And then I feel guilty because I have him back.  And it’s not like he can help going into the episodes.

 

“You’re still feeling like it’s going to all disappear and he’s going to be replaced by the Soldier and you won’t be able to reach him?”

 

“Yes.”  Steve says stopping and dropping his head.

 

“It’s okay.  Steve he’s still got a long way to go.  But Bruce has run tests it’s not going anywhere.”

 

“I know that.  But then he has an episode and it takes so long to reach him.  And I start to think what if I can’t get him back from this one?   What if this is the thing that tips him over the edge?  What if I can’t reach him?”

 

“Wow.  Okay look he’s getting better.  He is.  Look, I promised him I wouldn’t go into particulars.  Just like I’ve promised you.  So all I’m going to say is the two of you are unbelievable and I’m beginning to think you share the same head.  Take from that what you will.”

 

“He’s worried about it too.”

 

“Got it in one.  Maybe you two should talk about this.  I’d be willing to be there as mediator.”

 

“No.  I think we can do this one on our own.  But thanks.”

 

“You’ll talk to him though, right?”

 

“Yeah of course.  That at least has gotten easier.”

 

“Good.  Anything else bothering you?”

 

“I’m so angry I can’t see straight unless I’m with him and he can dim it. It’s like it was when I was trying to enlist and they kept telling me no.  I had a right to know, Sam.  I had a right to decide what I wanted to do with that information.  They had **_no_** right to keep the fact he was still alive and caught behind enemy lines from me.  I don’t care how long it had been.  I don’t care how unreachable they thought he was.  They did **_nothing_** to try and save him.  He was one of our own guys.  They knew about the camp.  It was in his file.  And they still did nothing.”  Steve stops when he realizes Sam hasn’t said anything and isn’t next to him.

 

“You done running like you used to in Washington?  Cause I can’t keep up when you do that.  But don’t worry I caught it all.  And you’re right they dropped the ball big time.  What I don’t get is why they kept it from Coulson.”

 

“Phil would have tried to find him and bring him home.  He would have done something because he knew how much Bucky meant to me.  Even if he didn’t have all the particulars.  They couldn’t have one of their best agents getting himself killed because of _Captain America’s_ zombie assassin boyfriend.  And trust me Phil would have gone after Bucky.  I don’t think he would have stopped till he had a location and enough information for an extraction.  And if it had been close enough to when I woke up he would have told me the second I had.  Fury knew that.”

 

“All right, we need to have a little talk about your other guy here.  Cause you say Captain America like you hate the guy.”

 

“I don’t mean it that way.  I don’t hate it.  I love it.  I take being Captain America very seriously.  It’s not a job to me.  It’s who I was meant to be.  It’s just sometimes it’s all anyone sees.  They forget that under the costume I’m still Steve Rogers.  That I have feelings and things I want to do.  They forget I have a life outside of being Captain America.  They forget I’m a man who can reach a breaking point.  They forget I’m a man who fought in a war and up until a month or two ago thought he’d lost everything because of it.  They forget that I’ve had to hide exactly what it was I lost.  And then to find out ‘oh no Steve you didn’t lose it, it’s just been taken and twisted into something that isn’t going to recognize you.  Oh and by the way we knew about it and did nothing to help.  Yeah could you not have any reaction to that?’ Well guess what Sam I can’t.  They lied to me. What’s worse is neither one of them seem affected by the fact I’m pissed.  They seem to think this is going to blow over.  Got news for the both of them.  It’s not.  I am **_through_** working for them.  I’m not even sure I want to help Phil rebuild it.  And I should want to, for Peggy, if nothing else.”

 

“You talked to her about any of this?  Asked her if she knew anything?”

 

“I can’t bring myself to.  But the way she talked to Bucky I don’t think she did.  I doubt Howard knew anything.  Though I do wonder it that’s why they felt the need to kill him.  I wonder if he got too close to the truth.  Tony’s looking into all that though, so I guess we’ll find out soon enough.”

 

“Steve, have you considered what you’re going to do if she did know?”

 

“No.  And I’m not going to until I know for sure.  Tony’s getting the files today.  I’m hoping it isn’t just the one on the drug they used.  I’m hoping Phil will give him everything that wasn’t made public in the dump. I should have known it wasn’t everything.  And that file Natasha gave me on Bucky was a fucking joke.  What?”

 

“Excuse me if I’m a bit shocked by the fact Captain America just dropped an f bomb.”

 

“Yeah well, Steve Rogers drops the occasional strategically placed f bomb every now and then.  Did I hurt your poor virgin ears, Sam?”  Sam barks out a laugh as they round the corner near the tower.

 

“You want to go for a little longer?”  Sam asks.

 

“You up for it?”  Steve asks already heading down the block.

 

“More than, old man.  Let’s go.  Next?”

 

“I don’t know how to ask.  I may drop an f bomb every now and then, but there are some things you just don’t talk about.”  Sam gapes at him.

 

“Now what?”

 

“I’m just surprised you’re willing to even bring it up.  And before you say it I know you’re not the blushing virgin everyone makes you out to be.  I know you’re not as innocent as everyone would like to believe.  I’m just surprised you got that much out.  I’ll say this much, he told me he’s making progress.  Told me a bit more than I wanted to know about what he wanted to do.  And I heard more than I needed to last night.  But please do **_not_** feel the need to give me details.  However, feel free to ask whatever you’d like while keeping within those parameters.”

 

“All right.  I worry he’s rushing it.  Like he thinks he has to do certain things because if he doesn’t I’m going to go get it from somewhere else.  Which he should know isn’t me.”

 

“I can assure you, given our conversation the other day, that’s not the case.  And I can also tell you anything he did he’s been wanting to do for a while now.  Longer than he probably told you he’d been wanting to.  Let’s just say certain things came back he didn’t tell you about because he was a bit freaked out given what had happened to him.  But he definitely isn’t doing things because he thinks you expect him to.”

 

“I shouldn’t have asked you that.  I’m sorry.”

 

“No, it’s fine.  I think he knows we’re going to talk about him as much as we talk about you.  It’s the same in my ‘sessions’ with him.  We talk about you just as much as we do him.  Sometimes more.  But usually I call him on it and swing the conversation back to him.  But you’ve made progress today so I’m willing to let you talk about him, as long as it’s what you’re feeling about the situation.”

 

“Let’s head back.  I’m starving.”

 

“We finished?”

 

“For now.  But I reserve the right to yank you out for a run later.  Because if Tony gets back and I get as angry as I’m afraid I might I’m going to need another one.”  Sam just chuckles as they head back inside.

 

Bucky meets Steve at the door and drags him down to the apartment.  Sam just shakes his head.  He’s about to make a comment but then he actually sees the look on Bucky’s face.  Something’s not right.  He’s about to follow when Bucky turns and glares at him.

 

“Buck, you all right?  What’s happened?” Steve asks once the elevator closes.

 

“Just tell me you love me and I’ll be fine.”

 

“I love you.”  Steve says kissing him softly.

 

“Sorry.  God, Sam’s going to think I’ve lost it.”

 

“No he won’t.  Now what happened?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“If I don’t get to do that, you don’t either.”

 

“I got back from breakfast with Jane and Hill was here arguing with Pepper trying to get her job back.  She kept saying there was no way you could love me anymore.  Not after what I’d done.  And that you’d have to make a choice.  Captain America or me.  She was sure you’d pick Captain America.”  Bucky says collapsing into Steve.

 

“JARVIS can you stop the elevator for me please?”

 

“Of course Captain Rogers.”  JARVIS says as it stops.

 

“Listen to me.  I love you.  **_You_** are my world.  **_You_** mean more to me than being Captain America. If they told me the only way I could keep you out of a cage was to give that up and be just plain old boring Steve Rogers I’d do it in a heartbeat.”

 

“I know.  I do.  I just…  Pepper didn’t say anything to her.  She didn’t disagree so then I thought maybe Hill was right.”

 

“Pepper was probably too shocked to say anything.  I can’t believe that woman.  Please tell me she’s gone now.”

 

“Tony came up and kicked her out.  He tried to tell me she was trying to push my buttons, but by the time he’d gotten upstairs the damage had already been done.”

 

“I love you.”  Steve says kissing him again.  He puts everything he has into it.  When they pull away Bucky just has a goofy grin on his face.

 

“JARVIS, head us back up to the common room.”  He says.

 

“Of course, Bucky.”

 

“Oh Tony is not going to be happy about that.”  Steve says, laughing.

 

“I know.  Which is why JARVIS is only going to do it when Tony’s not around.

 

“Tony wants you to see him down in the lab by the way.  He got the files.  There were a lot.  He had boxes and boxes.  Natalia and Clint have started going through them.  Jane got angry at what she found in hers so Bruce is only allowed to run tests on the sample of the drug Phil gave us.”  Bucky says as the step off the elevator to the common room.

 

“Everything okay?”  Sam asks.

 

“Sure.  Peachy.  Come out on the balcony with me so we can talk?”

 

“Let me just grab another cup of coffee.”  Sam does so and gives Steve a raised eyebrow; all the while thinking he may really have to take Pepper up on her offer.

 

“What happened?”  He asks once Bucky’s settled on the railing with his back to the city.  It makes Sam a little nervous and he knows Steve would flip. But he also knows it calms Bucky.

 

“Maria Hill.”  Bucky says as if that explains everything.

 

“What did she say now?  I swear between her and Melinda May Coulson’s going to have his hands full.”

 

“She told Pepper she didn’t think Steve loved me.  And that the government would make him choose between being Cap and me.  She was sure Steve would pick the uniform.  Tony kicked her out.  But Pepper didn’t say anything.”

 

“She was probably in shock.  What did Steve say when you told him?”

 

“That he loved me.  That he’d give it up.”

 

“Do you believe him?”

 

“I want to.  But come on Sam.  He loves being Captain America.  It’s who he was meant to be.”

 

“He loves you more.  Bucky you’re his other half.  You make him the man he is.”

 

“Maybe a long time ago.  Not now.”

 

“Yes still now.”  Steve says coming outside.

 

Bucky jumps down and goes over and kisses him.  He whispers an ‘I’m sorry’ and then kisses him again.  Steve just hugs him and whispers something into his ear.  Bucky smiles then kisses him again.  Steve leaves then and Bucky turns to face the city.

 

“I give up with you two.  I just give up.”  Sam says throwing his hands up.  He stands, but before he can head back inside himself Bucky speaks.

 

“Sit down Sam.  I’m gonna tell you a story.”

 

“All right.”

 

“I never wanted to go to the war.  But Steve, he was determined.  So I knew I had to go.  Only before I could enlist they drafted me.  I didn’t want him over there.  It’s why we fought.  I thought he felt like he had something to prove.  To me.  To the universe.  To himself even.  Then Erskine happened.  Erskine saw it right away.  What I’d always seen.  You know, at first I was pissed off.  Not because Erskine had seen it.  But because I thought he’d taken advantage of it.  But Steve was amazing.  It was like Captain America was what he’d been born to do.  I swore to myself the day we got back from Zola’s camp I was going to do whatever it took so that Steve would always be Captain America.  I never thought I’d be the reason he’d have to give it up.”

 

“You won’t be.  He’s not going to have to.  No one is going to be stupid enough to expect him to choose between you and who he is.  They wouldn’t dare.  Not after what he did taking down HYDRA this time around.  Now what did he say to you that made you go from mopey to happy in less than point five seconds.”

 

“Nope.  Not telling.  That’s between him and me.  Sorry Sam.”

 

“Look, just so you know you came up today.  A lot.”  Sam says with a laugh.

 

“I knew I would.  It’s why I told you to go ahead and talk to him.  How is he?”

 

“You know how you said he’s pissed at the universe.  You weren’t wrong.  I still think he’s a powder keg just waiting to blow.  I told Tony while you two were in the elevator I wasn’t sure it was such a good idea to let him go through those files.”

 

“He’s not going to like what he finds.”

 

“Bucky.”

 

“I haven’t read them.  But the amount of times Nat, Tony and Clint said ‘son of a bitch’ has me thinking Steve’s not going to be happy.  It’s going to get worse.  I don’t think a run with you is going to cool him off.  And I can’t handle what I know would.”

 

“On the one hand I so did not need to know Steve Rogers has a thing for angry sex.  And on the other hand it’s okay.  You know that right.  He doesn’t expect you to go any faster than you’re ready for.  That came up today too.”

 

“I figured it would.  I made breakthroughs in certain areas.”  Bucky says with a shit eating grin at the look on Sam’s face.

 

“You did that on purpose.”  Bucky just nods.  Before Sam can say more they hear Steve and Tony yelling at each other.

 

“What the hell is going on?”  Sam asks Pepper, who he notices looks like she’s about to cry.

 

“It’s nothing.  Tony’s blowing things out of proportion as usual.”

 

“Gee, you mean yours does that too?”  Bucky asks, trying to get her to smile.  To Sam’s surprise it works.

 

“All right Captain to your quarters **_now._** ”  Bucky says taking Steve by the shoulders and physically walking him to the elevator.

 

“Sam take him the rest of the way would you.  I need to talk to Pepper for a second.”

 

“Yeah, no problem.”   Bucky waits till the elevators close to turn back to Pepper.

 

“You got a minute?”

 

“For you, always.  But Tony’s not going to leave.”

 

“He doesn’t have to.  Look, for all that I’m protective of Steve he can be equally protective of me.  But I’m sorry if he upset you.  And once he cools down he’s going to be too.  You know that right?”

 

“Of course I do.”

 

“How much did he tell you?”

 

“Not much.  Yelled at me for not… I don’t even know.  I don’t think he knows what he’s pissed about these days.  Bucky, can I still call you Bucky?”

 

“You better.”  He says with a lopsided grin.

 

“I couldn’t believe what I was hearing coming from her.  I knew she could be tough.  But I never thought she could be a heartless bitch.  It floored me.  Then before I could get my bearings back Tony came in and threw her out.”

 

“I know that now.  I mean Sam said as much.  So did Steve.  I don’t know what’s going on with him.  But I am so sorry that he took it out on you.”

 

“It’s all right.  I can take it.  Tony however, well we’re a lot like you and Steve.  Only we can yell at each other.”

 

“I get it.  We okay?”  Bucky says looking from Pepper to Tony.  Pepper just pulls him into a tight hug.

 

“We’re fine.  Go calm him down, would you.  I’m afraid he’s going do some serious damage.  Not to the apartment but to himself.  And tell him as long as he apologizes to Pepper this never happened.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“I didn’t do it for you.  I did it because I know he’s not thinking straight.  And I know he’s going to… Thought you went downstairs with Sam?”

 

“I did.  Now I’m back up here.”

 

“Stevie, come on.” 

 

“I’ll be down in a second.  Miss Potts could I have a moment, please?”  Bucky just leans against the elevator and waits.  Tony does the same on the opposite side.

 

“Only if you call me Pepper for the entire time.” Steve doesn’t say anything.  Just leads her over to the corner.

 

“Pepper, I have a tendency to uh, um…”

 

“Get so angry you forget who you’re talking to?”  Pepper asks with a smile.

 

“Something like that.  I shouldn’t have gone off on you the way I did.  I’m sorry.  It’s just…”

 

“It’s just that it’s Bucky and you have a tendency to, how do I put this?  To see red whenever he’s upset or hurt?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“It’s all right.  I get the same way about Tony.  You know you and I should do lunch.  Compare notes.”

 

“I’d like that.  Are you sure we’re okay?”

 

“More than.”  She says giving him a hug.  He melts into it a little bit and she gives Bucky a worried look.

 

“Do me a favor, go spend some time with him before you start reading the files.  I think you both need it.”

 

“I think you’re right.”  Steve says as he turns towards Bucky.  He takes the metal hand and leads him to the elevator.

 

They get back to their apartment and Bucky leads him into the bathroom. He turns the water on and pours something into the water.  Soon there are bubbles filling the tub.  Steve turns away from him for a second, but Bucky just turns him back and kisses him softly.  Then he pulls Steve’s shirt over his head.   Before Steve even realizes it he’s naked.  Bucky’s not far behind and then they’re both in the tub. 

 

Steve just leans back against Bucky and closes his eyes for a second.  Next thing he knows he’s being laid down in bed on his stomach and Bucky’s hands are everywhere.  It feels amazing.  He moans when Bucky hits a particularly tight spot.  Bucky just gives him a full massage.  Steve sighs happily once Bucky has him in his arms after.

 

“I should be doing all this for you. To show you how much I love you.  So you get it out of your head that I don’t.”

 

“You snapped at Pepper.  You needed it more.  Besides. I told you I like taking care of you.”  Bucky says kissing him.

 

“I’m sleepy now though.”  Steve makes it sound like he minds yet he snuggles into Bucky’s side and is soon fast asleep.

 

“Love you, punk.”  Bucky says kissing his cheek. 

 


	20. Chapter Twenty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know today is Steve's birthday. But well, I couldn't make it work. As it is this chapter took me much longer to write than I expected. So we're celebrating the Fourth, and therefore Steve's birthday not on the actual day. I am a horrible person I know. But I am hoping you guys will still like what I have. It got away from me a bit. Which is why it's getting posted so late.

Steve wakes up to Bucky running his fingers through his hair.  He arches into it a little then stretches out.  He feels more rested than he has in days.  Bucky kisses the top of his head and he just rolls over onto his stomach so he can get a proper kiss.

 

“Feeling better?  You look better.”

 

“You mean I looked bad before?”

 

“No.  Not exactly.  You look less stressed.  You know I realized you’ve got a birthday coming up.”

 

“No I do not.”

 

“July fourth is next week.  I’m going to have to make a lunch date with Pepper.  We’re going to have to throw you a big bash.”

 

“Please don’t.  Just something small.  The press is going to already make a big deal out of it.  I don’t need you doing it too.”  Steve says getting out of bed.  He stalks around the room opening and slamming drawers shut.

 

“Okay, what did I do?”

 

“I’m fine.  I’m going to shower.” 

 

Bucky’s in front of Steve before he even realizes it.  He takes the clothes from Steve’s hands than tosses them on the floor.  Then he kisses Steve.  It’s not a soft kiss, and it’s not exactly rough either but it proves Bucky’s point.

 

“Let me throw you a party will you?  I’m not talking big bash like you’re thinking.  I’m just talking balloons and cake.  Maybe a nice dinner with friends and some dancing.”  Steve melts into him.

 

“Oh I so need another run with Sam.”

 

“You and I both know that’s not going to do it.”  Steve doesn’t say anything and barely nods his head but Bucky sees it.  He laughs softly into Steve’s hair.

 

“Makes you feel any better I need it too.  I think that’s the most frustrating part of this all.  Knowing I need it and you need it and not being able to do anything about it.”

 

“You promise you won’t let Pepper go overboard?”

 

“Promise. I’ll even tell her you get final approval on everything.”

 

“All right.  We can have a party.  But no press.  Please no press.”

 

“I promise you no press.  How would we explain me anyway?”

 

“What you’re my zombie assassin boyfriend.”  Steve says jumping away when Bucky goes to grab for him.  He makes it as far as stopping to grab his clothes.  Then Bucky’s got him around the waist and is spinning him around so he can kiss him.

 

“You’ve really got to stop doing that?”  Steve says once they’re resting their foreheads together.

 

“Stop doing what?  Making you smile?  Kissing you?  Can’t.”

 

“I love you.”  Steve says.

 

“Love you too.  Go on.  I’m going to go see if I can find Pepper.  You gonna go down and look through the files?”

 

“Yeah, if Tony will let me.”

 

“He will.”  Bucky says pecking him on the lips.  Steve heads to the bathroom.  As soon as the door closes Bucky’s out the door.

 

“JARVIS?”

 

“Yes, sir?”

 

“Where’s Pepper?”

 

“She’s in the common room making some calls.  But I’m sure she can fit you in.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

He reaches the common room just as Pepper’s getting off the phone.  He nods to Bruce, who’s come up to grab a cup of coffee.  Tony just glances up from his tablet.  Sam is sitting over in one of the chairs talking with Clint and Nat.

 

“Break from the files I take it.”

 

“Jane’s still down there.  She thinks she may have found something.  We’re heading down in a little bit.  Steve gonna join us?” Clint asks.

 

“Yeah.  In a bit.  Pepper have you got a few minutes later?”

 

“Of course.  Let me just finish up a few things.  I’ll let JARVIS know when I’m done.”

 

“Okay.  JARVIS, I’m heading out for a run with Sam.  You can text him somehow right?”

 

“Of course, Bucky.”  Tony spits his coffee.

 

“Barnes what did you do to my AI?”

 

“Look, the sir stuff bothers me.  And I ain’t Sergeant Barnes anymore.  And he’s been really great so he gets to call me Bucky.”

 

“And when exactly do I get this privilege?”

 

“Once you’ve earned it.”

 

“I haven’t yet?”

 

“You’re getting there.”  Pepper just laughs.

 

“I’m glad you find this so amusing.  My AI gets to use your nickname.  He’s not even human you know.”

 

“Sir.  This is not helping your cause.”  Tony says nothing just throws his hands up and stalks towards the elevators.

 

“He doesn’t let Nat or I call him Bucky either.  And he and Nat had a thing.”  Clint says.  Tony just glares.  Bruce laughs.

 

“Not helping, Barton.”  Bruce says joining Tony on the elevator.

 

Bucky just shakes his head and heads for the door.  Sam is right behind him.  They head on their normal route.  Which Sam suddenly realizes is just the opposite of the one he takes with Steve.  They run past the Starbucks and one of the girls who works there waves at Bucky and says hello.  He waves back and smiles.  Sam just stares at the scene in amazement.

 

“You know we probably didn’t have to go for a run but I needed to get out of there.”  Bucky says as a way to start the conversation.

 

“I mean the place is huge and I still feel closed in and trapped.  It’s why I sit on the railings of the balconies.  I feel like I have an out.”

 

“You know you can come and go as you please.  None of us are going to follow your every movement.  There isn’t a GPS tracker in the arm or anything.  We all trust you.”

 

“I don’t trust me.  I don’t trust that I won’t be out somewhere and have an episode.  I don’t want to scare the general public.  But I’m going to have to do something or Pepper’s never going to be able to come up with a strategy to put me back into the world.”

 

“That something you want?”

 

“I _want_ to be able to take Steve on a date.  A real date.  Dinner, dancing the works.”

 

“You guys went to Coney Island.”

 

“I know.”  Bucky says picking up speed.  Sam’s having trouble keeping up.

 

“Oh my God, you don’t just want to come back from the dead.  You want to come out as a couple with Steve.”  Sam says once Bucky’s back at his side again.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Okay.  One step at a time.  Tell me you don’t have a schedule for this.  You know not like Steve’s birthday.”

 

“That’s in a week.  I’d rather shoot for Christmas maybe or my birthday.”

 

“Yours is March right?”

 

“Yeah.  The tenth.”

 

“Well then we shoot for Tony’s annual Christmas party.  If that doesn’t happen then by your birthday.  Wait, the press didn’t make up the whole he was born on the Fourth of July bit?”

 

“No.  That Senator just opted to exploit it when he made him Captain America.”

 

“Wow you learn something new every day.”

 

“Can we do it though?”

 

“Sure.  It gives us something a goal for your recovery.  Which the pros will tell you is important.  You planning anything for Steve’s birthday?”

 

“He wants something small.  Doesn’t really want a party at all.  But he’s letting me.  I was thinking just something small in the common room.  Cake and balloons.  Something a little more private later.  But…”

 

“It’s a week and you’re not sure you’re going to be ready for what you’re thinking?”  Sam says making a face.

 

“Yeah.  You do know I hate having to make you uncomfortable right?”

 

“I know.  You know it’s not that I’m homophobic right?”

 

“Course I do.  It’s just you feel like Steve’s like your dad or uncle or something and the thought of him being sexually active makes you really uncomfortable.”

 

“Exactly.  I just hope Steve gets that.”

 

“I’ll set him straight if he doesn’t.  I also know that’s not something you can help me with.”

 

“No, I can’t.  Wait we stopping?”  Sam asks as Bucky runs towards the Starbucks door.

 

“Yeah.  I promised Ashley I’d stop and say hello this morning.”

 

“Who’s…?  You’re on a first name basis with one of the baristas here?”

 

“She’s a bit of a history nerd, I think that’s what she called herself.  Kinda figured out who I was last night.  She was nice enough to not make a big deal about it.  But she asked me to stop by and say hi.  So I am.”

 

“She the girl you waved at?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Hey Mr. Barnes, you want what you had last night or do you want to try something else?”  The girl at the register asks.  Sam notes that Ashley is making the drinks.

 

“Could I?  You want anything?”

 

“No I’m good.”

 

“Oh and can I get two blonde roasts with room.  A dark roast and two lattes.  And a triple mocha.  And another of mine.”

 

“Sure.”  Do you want me to put names on the cups?”

 

“No.  Just mark them for me.  If you can.”

 

“Of course.”

 

“You did that like you come here every day.”

 

“Nah.  Just a quick study.”

 

“Here’s the coffees.  Ash will have the other drinks down at the end.  Have a great day.”

 

“Thanks Michele.”  Sam just shakes his head.

 

“Hey!”  Ashley says, clearly happy to see him.

 

“Hi yourself.”  Bucky says giving her a smile.  Sam laughs behind his hand at the blush that creeps into her cheeks.

 

“So next Friday is Cap’s birthday right?”

 

“It is.  But don’t call him Cap okay.  He’s just Steve.”

 

“I can… really he won’t mind if I call him Steve?”

 

“Not if you and Michele are calling me James he won’t.  Are you both working?”

 

“Yeah we’re opening so we’ll be here till around ten.  If he comes in he gets a free drink for his birthday.  It’s a thing.”

 

“Then we’ll have to stop in.  Thanks.”

 

“No problem.  Have a good day.”

 

“You too.  Hey, are you working tomorrow afternoon?”

 

“Yeah.  Why?”

 

“Bring in your report.  I want to read it.”

 

“Okay.  See you then.”

 

They head back to the tower and down to where everyone is reading the files.  The scene that greets them has Sam immediately worried about Steve.  He notices Bucky is too.  Bucky sets the drinks down only telling them the mocha is for Pepper and the other one of his is for Steve.  Then he goes to Steve and wraps his arms around him from behind.

 

“I’m right here, see.  I’m okay.  We’re together.  And I love you.”  He has to say it a few times before Steve goes and sits back down and picks up the file again.

 

“I want a full debrief.”  Bucky demands.

 

“Let’s leave these down here and go upstairs.  Barnes where’d you get the money to pay for these?”  Tony asks grabbing the dark roast.

 

“His good looks and flirting ability paid for them I think.”  Sam says.

 

“No, I just robbed your wallet, Stark.”

 

“Keep it up Barnes.”

 

“I grabbed money out of Steve’s wallet all right.”

 

“You’re going to let him get away with that, Rogers.” 

 

“Course I am.  It’s my turn now.  Bucky used to pay for everything before.” Steve says kissing him.  Bucky goes and grabs Pepper’s mocha.

 

They head up to the common room and take spots.  Pepper sits in Tony’s lap.  Clint and Natasha take one of the love seats.  Bucky pulls Steve into the other.  Sam, Bruce and Jane all make themselves comfortable on the couch.  They all sit in silence for a bit then Tony clears his throat.

 

“I knew HYDRA had been part of SHIELD for a while. But the extent to how far they got in and how early on amazed me.  They were there from the beginning.”

 

“Wait, so your father and Peggy knew?”

 

“I don’t think so.  My dad knew they had Zola working for them.  He knew Zola was involved in projects he didn’t have clearance for.  But that was as far as it went.  Peggy didn’t spend much time in the office.  Phillips didn’t want her there.  Knowing what I do now I know why.”

 

“So Phillips knew.”

 

“He knew about Project Winter Soldier.  He knew they had one of our guys.  There are files and files of extraction plans.  Zola was good.  He made them think they’d moved you every couple of weeks.  Phillips never suspected you were right under their noses.  He never suspected you were under a tarp in a cryrofreeze unit right down the hall from his office.”

 

“Tony, there’s something you’re not telling me.”

 

“All right look, there are files where certain things have been redacted.  I’ve got JARVIS working on getting them cleaned up.  It’s looking more and more, to me anyway, that he did know it was you.  That’s why he wanted Peggy in the field.  He knew she’d go up against Zola.  She was too important to what they were trying to accomplish for him to let that happen.”

 

“Go on.”

 

“Now is where things get a bit murky.  There are files from the fifties.  Dugan went to work for SHIELD at some point after the war.  What he knew exactly is…”

 

“Redacted.”  Bucky says angrily.

 

“Buck, it’s Dum Dum.  If he had any idea he would have tried to find you.  He wouldn’t have wanted this for you.”  Steve says soothingly.

 

“I know.  I do.  It’s the not knowing that’s pissing me off.  You gonna tell me Zola never left the tarp unprotected?”  Bucky says angrily.  He shakes off Steve who tries to calm him.

 

 “JARVIS is working as fast as he can.  It’s not easy to do even for him.  And I could be wrong about Phillips.  As for Dugan I’m sure Phillips kept him in the dark.”

 

“I know Tony.  I appreciate it.   Believe me if Dugan knew anything he would have gotten the Commandos together to go on a rescue mission.  That was the thing about the Commandos, we didn’t leave men behind.”  Bucky nods in agreement.

 

“You get anything else?” Bucky asks.

 

 “I found something.  I’ve triple checked it.  I got Pepper to let me see some of the files.  Tony you aren’t going to like it.”  Nat says.

 

Please tell me my father didn’t know about Barnes.”

 

“No.  Not exactly.  He knew about Project Winter Soldier but that was it.  What he knew of it was in name only.  I’m firmly of the opinion had he known more James wouldn’t have been under HYDRA’s control for long.  But that’s really not the interesting part of the whole story.”

 

“Tony were you aware SHIELD had files on Stark Industries?”

 

“I assumed so given that dad was instrumental in starting the whole thing up.”

 

“No, I don’t mean that.”  Everyone watches as realization dawns on Tony’s face.  Pepper takes the drink from his hand.

 

“How long exactly were they spying on my father?”

 

“Didn’t start until he hired Obadiah Stane.  It was more that they were spying on him.  Though the earliest files don’t say why they were.  It’s not until your parents are killed that it becomes evident.  And even then you have to read between the lines.”

 

“What are you talking about, Natasha?”  Tony says. 

 

“You aren’t going to be happy.  I’ve read the file and reread the file.  I had JARVIS check and double check what I was reading.  It seems Stane was HYDRA.  He kept trying to get your dad to go back into weapons.  Howard was beyond reluctant.  He wanted to keep having the expos.  He wanted to keep the company working towards energy sustainability.  But Stane kept telling him there was more money in weapons.  Stane became friends with a few guys in Washington. One of whom was Alexander Pierce.”

 

“With the exception of that bastard being HYDRA you aren’t telling me anything I didn’t already know.”

 

“Give me a minute.  I’m getting to that.  He’s going another round with your father.  Getting angrier and angrier.  Your father at one point goes so far as to compare him to Zola.  Then according to the files he storms out of the office.  Two days later the accident happens.”  Natasha stops when the gasps start.

 

“So what?  He went to his pal Pierce got him to unthaw Barnes over there.”  Tony says bitterly. 

 

“That’s just it.  I’m not entirely convinced it was James.  And before you say anything I know he thinks he did it.”

 

“I remember doing it.”  Bucky says.

 

“No you had a nightmare.  And we’d been talking about it from time to time.  Who knows what your subconscious picked up on.  I’m still looking into it.  JARVIS has things he has to clean up still.  But I felt you needed to know even if there was the slightest chance.”

 

Bucky gets up and leaves the room.  He goes out onto the balcony.  Steve follows him and tries not to let it bother him to find Bucky up on the railing.  He just goes over to him and wraps his arms around his neck. He kisses him softly.

 

“I… it’s bad enough…”

 

“Buck?”

 

“Can we get out of here for a bit?  Go to Brooklyn for the rest of the afternoon?”

 

“Come on.”  Steve says holding out his hand,

 

They go back inside and tell everyone they’re going for a walk.  Sam offers to come along but they both tell him they’re going alone.  Bucky insists they just get an afternoon to themselves.  He promises Pepper to not do anything that will ruin Steve’s image.  But Steve just rolls his eyes.  Sam gives him a look which he ignores.

 

They get on the subway and Bucky doesn’t seem to care he just rests his head on Steve’s shoulder.  Steve snakes his arm around Bucky’s back and runs his fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck.  No one says anything.  Steve wonders if they know who he is.  They get off the train and Steve leads him towards the old building.

 

“Wait, I thought we were going to go to the park.”  Bucky says.

 

“We are.  But there’s something I want to show you.” 

 

What Steve shows him is a for rent sign in their old apartment.  The building’s been done over but it’s still their building.  Bucky just arches a brow at Steve.  Steve tugs on his hand and pulls him into the building.  They head up the stairs to the apartment and Steve goes to the one next door, then he knocks on the door.

 

“Oh hey Captain Rogers.  Gram your boyfriend’s here.  I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

“Steve!  You came back.  And you brought a friend I see.”

 

“I did.  Can we come in?  I’m sorry I didn’t call first this was a bit of an unscheduled trip.”

 

“I’ve told you, you can just stop by anytime.  Oh Richard left me the key for next door so you could go take a look.  He said if there wasn’t anything that needed fixing you can start moving in whenever.”

 

“We might just do that.”

 

“Good.  I could use you and Bucky back around here.”

 

“Abbigail.”

“Don’t even bother, Rogers.  He’s standing right next to you.  Now take the damn keys and go check out the place.  I went in there and cleaned it up a bit.”

 

“You’re an angel.”

 

“Not Bucky, just you.  I want a second with him.”

 

“Abbigail he doesn’t…”

 

“So he can’t speak for himself, I find that hard to believe.”

 

“I don’t like people calling me Bucky these days.  But I was going to make an exception cause you’re you.  Go on Steve.  I’ll be over in a bit.”

 

“I’m right next door if you need me.”

 

“He’ll be fine.  Shoo.  Was he usually that hard to get rid of?  Now come here you.  Let me hug you.”  Abbigail says.  Bucky shifts back just half a step and the smile she had on her face falls.

 

“Bucky?”

 

“I could hurt you.”  Bucky says taking off his jacket.  Abbigail just goes over to him and throws her arms around his neck.  Bucky gingerly hugs her.

 

“Now I want to hear all about your recovery.  Steve says you’ve been making progress.  It’s why he bought the place next door for the two of you.  He thought it might help.  Plus he said that big tower Tony Stark built is too cramped for you.”

 

“When did he tell you all that?” 

 

“He called me the other day.  You were out for a run with someone.  We talked for a little while.  I told him I wanted to see you.  I missed you a lot you know.”

 

“I missed you too.  Thank you.”

 

“For what?”

 

“Not treating me differently.”

 

“Oh, Bucky you don’t have to thank me for that.  Now go get your man.  He’s probably climbing the walls.”

 

“He’s right, we didn’t fool anyone.”

 

“I could hear it in his voice when he called.  And I did talk to all those girls Bucky.”

 

“You sure you don’t mind having me next door?”

 

“Not at all.  Steve hasn’t gone into a lot of details but what he has told me both him and me think this will be a good thing.  Now go on.  But next week I want to have the two of you for dinner.  It’s Steve’s birthday on Friday after all.”

 

“Abbi you don’t have to do that.”

 

“I want to.”  She says stretching up to kiss his cheek.  He gives her another hug and heads off to find Steve.

 

Bucky finds Steve with the floor board in the bedroom pulled up looking at the sketchbook.  He goes and sits behind him and pulls him so he’s leaning against him.  He kisses the back of his neck and whispers a ‘thank you’ to him.

 

“I wanted it to be a surprise.  I was going to take you to dinner the whole nines.  But then you mentioned coming out here and I changed my mind.”

 

“Abbi said you bought it.”

 

“I did.  Look, I know for right now we should stay at the tower but someday we’re going to get to move out of there.  This is home.  This little apartment was what I wanted to come back to.  I know it’s..”  Bucky shifts Steve so he can kiss him and then does.

 

“I love you.  God do I love you.  You’re amazing you know that.”

 

“Buck.”  Steve says hiding his face in the crook of Bucky’s neck.

 

“Hey.”  Bucky says when he feels Steve shift more into him.  Steve doesn’t say anything he just stays there and then kisses Bucky’s shoulder before shifting a bit. 

 

“Steve?”

 

“Hmmm?”

 

“How did you know the tower was getting to be too much for me?”  Bucky asks him quietly.

 

“I know you.  And it was getting to be too much for me too.”

 

“Love you.”

 

 

“So you said.  You want to go to the park?”

 

“We should probably get back.”

 

“No.  Rest of the day.  I told you rest of the day so we’re not going back for the rest of the day.”  Steve says.

 

“Steve.”

 

“What?”  Bucky just kisses the back of his neck again.

 

“That dream was so vivid.  But if I didn’t do it.  Then what the hell else did Pierce have them do to me.  How much more fucked up am I?”

 

“We’ll go back and have them run tests if you want.  We’ll figure this out.  I promise.”  Before Bucky can reply Steve’s phone rings.

 

“What Tony?”

 

“All right.  We’ll be back in half an hour.  He’s all right.  I will.  Tony the longer you keep me on the phone the longer it’s going to take us to get back.”  Steve hangs up and then hangs his head. 

 

“Come on, punk it can’t be that bad.”

 

“Tony said he didn’t want to say over the phone.  You ready to go?”

 

“Yeah.  We bringing the sketchbook?”

 

“We should.  I found a couple things that need fixing and I’m going to have to let Tony in here to put the security system in.  Better we have it with us than leave it and have someone find it.”

 

They get back to the tower to find everyone in the spots they were in when they left.  Bucky pulls Steve back over to the loveseat and into his lap.  The looks they get from everyone makes him laugh.  Tony clears his throat then gives JARVIS the floor.

 

“It appears there was a short time period that the Winter Soldier went off the grid.  In that time the accident that killed Howard occurred.”

 

“You’re sure?”  Bucky asks quietly.

 

“Positive.”

 

“They have no idea where he went?”  Natasha asks.

 

“No they do.  But given Bucky’s current heart rate I’m not sure giving all the details would be a good idea.  I don’t want to send him into an episode.”

 

“Go ahead JARVIS I need to know.”

 

“You apparently broke into an apartment in Brooklyn and holed up there for an entire week.   After you left the owner of the building said the only reason he’d known you’d been there was because the loose floorboard had been moved.”  Steve starts laughing into Bucky’s neck.  Then he’s doubling over he’s laughing so hard.

 

“Would you care to share with the rest of the class Steven?”  Tony asks.

 

“No.  No I would not.”  Steve says after he’s caught his breath.  Then he kisses Bucky.

 

“You broke in and...”  Steve starts laughing again.

 

“What the hell is so funny?”  Tony asks, clearly getting angry.

 

“Steve had left a sketchbook under the floorboard in our old apartment.”  Bucky says with a smile.

 

“I see.  JARVIS is there anything else?”  Tony says with an eye roll, but he’s smiling.

 

“Not yet, sir. I’m still working on the other files.”

 

“They have no idea what sent him off grid either?” Jane asks.

 

“I haven’t been able to determine that.  Give me another half an hour.  I’m working on it now.”

 

“All right.  So you two want to fill us in on why this is so hysterical?”  Tony says angrily.

 

“Tony, calm down.”  Pepper says putting her arms around his neck from behind.

 

“I bought the apartment.  I wanted Bucky to have someplace to go if things here got to be too much.  Or if we wanted sometime to ourselves.  I had noticed the floorboard wasn’t right.  I mentioned it to Bucky on the train.  He said maybe the building owner had found the sketchbook.”

 

“You don’t remember going off grid?”  Clint asks.

 

“No. Which means I’m missing at least a week of time.”  Let me up, punk.”

 

“Buck?”

 

“I need to pace.”

 

Tony gets up and paces with him.  Steve knows Tony’s probably doing it calm himself but Bucky calms almost immediately and motions to the balcony.  Tony follows and they talk.  Steve knows Bucky will tell him later what it’s about if he wants to.  He looks over and shares a knowing look with Pepper.  They come back in and Tony grabs himself a glass of scotch.  He offers Bucky one as well.  Then they both settle back in their spots. 

 

“Sir, I don’t have much else.  However I can tell you Bucky was off grid for more than a week.  I’m still trying to determine the exact time frame.”

 

Bucky downs the scotch and gets up to get himself another.  He slams it back then goes to the elevator.  Steve goes to follow and Tony reaches out and grabs his arm.  He shakes his head.  Steve looks towards the elevator then sits back down.

 

“I can’t just sit here.”

 

“Well, you’re going to have to.  Give him a minute.”

 

“It’s been twenty.”  Steve says angrily.

 

“Captain Rogers.”

 

“I’m on my way.”

 

“Actually sir, he asked if you could stay with Mr. Wilson tonight.”

 

“What?”  Steve says deflating completely.

 

“Steve, he’s not in a good place right now.  And he’s afraid he’s going to hurt you.  So if you want to help him, stay with Sam.”  Tony says.

 

Steve collapses on to the loveseat and pouts.  Pepper goes over next to him on one side and Nat ends up going on the other.  Tony tries not to laugh.  Clint doesn’t bother not trying, that is until Nat glares at him.

 

“JARVIS won’t let him leave.  And he won’t let him hurt himself. Now if you’d rather I can set you up on your own.  I don’t mind.  We’ve got plenty of rooms.”  Pepper says.  Steve notes it’s the same tone she takes with Bucky when she’s trying to calm him down.

 

“Please.  Is there one near him?”  Steve asks quietly.

 

“There is.  Next door on the left.  It was going to be yours until he told me to tell you there were none.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

Steve heads down.  He stops by their door and fights going inside.  He then goes next door.  He doesn’t even bother going to the bedroom.  He just plops himself down on the couch and stares at the television.  He doesn’t get any sleep that night.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky goes off the grid in the Winter Soldier comic. And I really liked the idea so I used it. Because it was so late and I promised you all three chapters this weekend I didn't dig it up to figure out how long. But I will.


	21. Chapter Twenty One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The amount of time Bucky's off grid is from the comics. Hope you all enjoy.

Steve goes up to the common room at four.  Sam’s not up yet but he can’t just sit and stare at the wall.  He heads out for a run.  He comes back to find Bucky and Sam heading out.  He nods to Sam then heads inside.  The only consolation he has is that Bucky looks just as bad as he’s sure he does.  He hears Bucky tell Sam he thinks he made a mistake last night as they’re closing the door.  Sam’s ‘well duh’ puts a small smile on his face.

 

He heads down to their apartment and lets himself in.  He finds the couch cushions on the floor.  He ignores it and goes to take a shower.  When he gets back up to the common room Tony’s there.  Steve grabs himself a cup of coffee, a section of the paper then heads out on the balcony.  Tony is the last person he wants to have to deal with right now.  Tony, however, being Tony, follows him outside.

 

“You want to be pissed at me that’s fine.  But you don’t get to ignore me.”

 

“In case you hadn’t heard Tony, pissed at the universe is my current mood all the time.  No need to take it personally.”

 

“How much did you get?”  Tony asks.

 

“None.  You?”

 

“Same.  You should have come down to the lab and hung out.  Jane was there till three.  Bruce stuck it out another half an hour.  You know I was just trying to do what he wanted, right?”

 

“I know.  You want to talk about it?”

 

“No.  Honestly, the only new information I got last night was that it hadn’t been Barnes.  I’d suspected Stane was HYDRA for a long time.  My kidnapping just confirmed it.  I just always thought Stane had gone to Pierce and he’d gotten someone to do it.  I never thought…. He killed my parents then acted like a second father to me and I never fucking saw it.  That’s what’s got me so pissed off.  I’ve dealt with the fact they’re gone.  Dealt with it a long time ago.  And my father considered him a friend.  I used to call him uncle Obadiah when I was little.  I used to bitch to him about you two and how my father expected me to live up to ghosts. And I never took Peggy’s warnings seriously.  After the accident she told me not to trust him.  Said she was reminded of someone evil.  Someone from her and dad’s past.  Must have meant Zola.  God it’s not even noon and I could so go for a drink.  Your turn.”

 

“I’m so worried about him I haven’t had time to process it all.  Plus I’m trying to not get angry until I have all the facts.”

 

“You would.”

 

“Tony, can you please not start right now?  Please?”

 

“Fine.  Hey Sam.  Where’s Barnes?”

 

“Down at Starbucks.  He’s reading his favorite barista’s school paper on himself.  Told me to come back here.  Said he’d be back when he was done.  And we’re all going to stay right where we are.  He’s trying to take baby steps and do the whole getting back out into the world thing.”  Tony just smiles.  Steve tries not to worry.

 

Bucky comes back forty five minutes later smiling widely.  He hands Tony a dark roast and Steve one of what they had yesterday.  He kisses the top of Steve’s head then heads for the elevators.  Steve stays where he is.  Just as the doors are about to close Bucky points to him and crooks his finger.  Steve races into the elevator.  Tony and Sam laughing in the background doesn’t even upset him.

 

Bucky takes the coffee from Steve and sets it on the floor of the elevator.  Then he moves in and kisses him until Steve doesn’t know which end is up or what day it is. They keep kissing like that until JARVIS interrupts to tell them they’re on their floor. Bucky picks up their coffees and balances them perfectly then takes Steve’s other hand and pulls him down the hall.  He only lets go long enough to open the door.  He pulls Steve into the bedroom then sets their coffees down before pulling Steve into bed with him.

 

He picks up where he left off kissing Steve senseless.  Steve wants to stop him but he wants this more he supposes.  He knows they’ll talk when Bucky’s ready.  Bucky pulls away and rests their foreheads together. He kisses Steve’s temple and whispers into his hair that he’s sorry.  Steve doesn’t say anything.  He doesn’t want to break the moment.  It’s Bucky who does,

 

“You gonna be able to forgive me ever?”

 

“There’s nothing to forgive.”  Steve says snuggling in more.

 

“Steve, you can be pissed at me about last night.  I can take it.”

 

“I can’t be though.  Not really.  I’d be an ass then.  But for the record you could have just told me you were going to sleep on the couch or in here and you wanted me to stay wherever you weren’t.  You didn’t have to make me sleep in another apartment.  Which by the way I didn’t so you get to deal with my cranky ass all day.”

 

“I think I can handle it, punk.”

 

“Good, now hand me my coffee.”

 

“Yes sir, Captain America, sir.”  Bucky says reaching over.

 

“Jerk.”  Steve says taking the cup.  He downs it in three big gulps and then puts it on his nightstand.

 

“Now I’m going to nap.”  Steve says snuggling into him. 

 

“Buck?”  Steve asks ten minutes later.

 

“Hmmm?”

 

“I can’t sleep.”

 

“Not surprised given how you downed that drink.  It had three shots of espresso in it you know.”

 

“You could have said.”

 

“You could have read the cup.”

 

“Knock, knock.”  Pepper says coming into the apartment.

 

“We’re in the bedroom.  And we’re fully clothed.”

 

“You sound disappointed by that Bucky.”

 

“I am.  More than you could ever imagine.”  Pepper just laughs.

 

“I came in to hear about your outing.  Sam said you came back all smiles.”

 

“I just went to talk to Ashley.  It’s not like it’s that big of a deal.  Oh did you get your mocha?”

 

“I did thank you.  Now come on don’t keep me in suspense.  How was the paper?”

 

“She said I was a hero.  Not sure I totally agree with that.  But she made valid points.  Also said that as a POW I deserved more respect than she was sure I was going to get.  Then took three extra pages to explain herself.  I only know that because her teacher made a note of it at the end.  But like everyone else she’s fairly confident they had to keep me constantly brainwashed because if they hadn’t they would have all been in trouble.  But you know none of it came off as pity.  She also said she thought I deserved a chance to get my life back.”

 

“You do.  What kind of grade did she get?”

 

“A+.  Ashley said she’d gotten the highest grade in the class.”

 

“And how was it?  Being in public by yourself?”

 

“It was good.  I mean there were a couple kids who stared, but hey I’m a guy with a metal arm what am I gonna do?  One of them asked if they could color on my arm with their markers.  I felt worse for their mother who apologized all over herself than I did about the kid asking.  One of the teenagers asked me to watch their stuff while they got in line.  And another asked if they could have the other chair at my table.  Didn’t seem put off by me at all. So all in all I’d say it was a success.”

 

“Good I’m glad.  And how is Captain Rogers this morning?”  Pepper says looking over at Steve who is asleep leaning on Bucky’s shoulder.

 

“That bad huh?”  Pepper asks.

 

“He didn’t sleep last night.  I feel awful and he won’t get angry with me.”

 

“He may not like it, but he gets it.  I’ll let Tony know he’s asleep.  I told him I’d come down and bring you guys up.  JARVIS managed to get Dugan’s file cleaned up.  And he figured out where the hell you were while you were off grid.  I mean other than that apartment.”

 

“I’m awake.”  Steve says quietly.

 

“You weren’t thirty seconds ago.”  Pepper says teasing him.

 

“I was too.  Bucky sat in Starbucks and little kids wanted to color his arm.  One of the baristas thinks he’s a hero.  Which he is.  Missing anything?”

 

“Nope.  Half an hour common room?”

 

“Sounds good.”  Steve says shifting to sit up, but then decides not to.

 

“I should go shower.  Let you sleep.”  Bucky says kissing Steve’s temple.

 

“Stay, please.”

 

“All right.”

 

Half an hour later everyone is assembled in the common room.  Tony is laying with his head in Pepper’s lap.  Steve is mirroring the position with Bucky.  Pepper just gives Bucky a look and he laughs.  Sam shakes his head at the four of them.  But then Clint puts his head in Nat’s lap which gets him tossed onto his ass and they all break out laughing.  Jane and Bruce come in wondering what they’ve missed until Bruce notices Clint on the floor.

 

“Barton, what did you do now?”

 

“Nothing.  She’s just being Nat.”

 

“Ah so he went for the PDA.”  Jane says with a smile.  She goes over and grabs herself a glass of orange juice.

 

“Everyone settled?”  Tony asks, not even opening his eyes.

 

“Sir, I was about to begin.”

 

“Then by all means JARVIS you’ve got the floor.”

 

“I’ve been able to determine that Bucky was off the grid for two weeks.  Most of which was spent in New York.  Brooklyn to be more precise.  He spent a day travelling but otherwise was in Brooklyn.  He went to a few old establishments that had been around when he and Captain Rogers had lived there.  There are reports he asked about a skinny blonde boy.  No one recognized him.  So there was no reason for anyone to suspect who he really was.  There was only one incident.  It was minor and cleared up quickly enough and brushed under the rug.  Mostly because the bartender agreed with Bucky.  The other guy was being an ass.”

 

“I got into a bar fight?  Why?”

 

“Other than the man you got into the bar fight with was being an ass no one knows for sure.  The bartender refused to press charges and apparently convinced the man not to either.  I’m still looking into it.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

“JARVIS hold up for a second.”  Sam says.

 

“You really don’t remember any of that?”  He asks turning his attention to Bucky.

 

“No.  None of it.”

 

“Bucky, I think I may have found something.”  JARVIS says interrupting.

 

“Go ahead.”

 

“There was a news report while you were in Chicago, which is where you were before you travelled to Brooklyn.  The report mentioned Captain America.  It may have triggered something.  And your handlers had gotten lax.  It may be you saw that and had flashes of Steve before the serum.”

 

“Okay so we know what triggered it possibly.  You got anything else on why I got into that bar fight?”

 

“As a matter of fact I do.  I don’t know why I didn’t make the connections sooner.  The fight took place on December 7th.”

 

“There were news reports because it was the fiftieth anniversary of our entrance into the war.  They would have tied Steve into that too.  Even if he didn’t become Captain America until a few years later.”  Pepper supplies.

 

“Exactly Miss Potts.  It seems the man Bucky got into the fight with said Captain America did nothing to turn the tide of the war.  Bucky dared him to repeat himself.  He did.  Next thing you know bar brawl.  Bucky won of course.  Didn’t even need to use the metal hand.”

 

“How did they find him?”  Natasha asks.

 

“There were HYDRA agents looking for him.  They eventually found him.”

 

Bucky shivers and Steve gets up then tugs Bucky up to stand before sitting back down himself.  Then he pulls Bucky down onto the loveseat and makes him put his head in his lap.  Steve cards his fingers through Bucky’s hair hoping to calm him.  He leans down for a kiss.

 

“Bucky are you all right?  Your heart rate’s gone up rather quickly.  Perhaps we should take a short break.”

 

“No.  I’m fine.  Keep going.”

 

“The Winter Soldier files have him in active for the next month and a half.  Pierce however has him wiped every day.  He’s also beaten.  Oh.”  JARVIS stops.

 

“JARVIS?”  Tony says sitting up.

 

“Sir, can I see you in the lab please.  Doctors Banner and Foster as well.”

 

“We’ll be right down.  Get Simmons if you need to.”

 

“JARVIS what’s going on?”  Bucky asks.  Steve shifts again so he’s lying on the loveseat holding him.

 

“Nothing to worry about, sir.”  That sets Steve on edge.

 

“JARVIS.”

 

“Rogers give us five minutes.”  Tony says then cuts the audio.

 

True to their word they all come back upstairs five minutes later.  Bruce looks like he wants to kill someone one and Steve wonders how much he’s having to control the big guy right now.  Tony isn’t fairing much better.  But it’s Jane that has him worried.  She goes over to Pepper and Nat and pulls them into the kitchen.  When they return Pepper and Nat do what they did with Steve the previous night.  Pepper shifts Bucky so she’s got her arm around him and whispers something to him.  He just nods and then sits in Steve’s lap.

 

“Hey, what’s going on?”  Steve asks.

 

“Go ahead Tony.”  Bucky says.

 

“You know those modifications Pierce made?  Well Barnes was right he should be dead.  Problem is I’m not sure I can do anything.  I’m sorry. But I’m not going to say no right now.  So we’ll just start working on that.”

 

“What aren’t you saying?” Steve asks.

 

“Not here, I’ll tell you myself later.  Okay.  Please.”  Bucky says.

 

“Fine, I’ll drop it for now.”  Bucky kisses him softly.

 

“You know whatever it is I’m not going to go anywhere right?”

 

“I know.”  Bucky kisses him again.

 

“I think perhaps a break is in order.”  JARVIS says.

 

“I think that’s a wonderful idea.”  Pepper says with more enthusiasm than Steve is sure she feels.

 

They agree to reconvene in half an hour.  Bucky leads Steve down to the apartment.  He makes it into the elevator before he loses it.  He punches it with his flesh hand.  Then lets out a yell of frustration. 

 

“You want to go down to the gym?”  Steve asks.

 

“No.  I want… no I need you to hold me.”  Steve takes him in his arms then.  The elevator stops on their floor and Steve isn’t surprised to find Tony waiting for them.

 

“Sorry about the elevator.”  Bucky says then goes inside shutting the door in Steve’s face.

 

“You want to tell me what’s going on, now?”

 

“He said he would and he will.  It’s not as bad as you’re thinking.  But this is too much for him.  I think he should stay down here.”

 

“He has a right to know Tony.”

 

“I’m not saying he doesn’t.  But he’s got a breaking point just like you do.”

 

“I’m not making the decision for him.”

 

“I don’t expect you to.”  Tony says turning and walking away.

 

“Buck?”

 

“In here.”  Steve finds him curled up on the bed.

 

“What happened?”

 

“He had them… I’m literally a ticking bomb.  I’ve got a bomb in my arm.  That was the punishment for me going off the grid for two weeks.  JARVIS was poking around and he could have blown the tower sky high.  Bruce is so pissed because he has no idea how to remove it.  Jane told Nat and Pepper because she doesn’t want me to leave.  She’s afraid I’m going to.”

 

“Are you?”

 

“No.  Pepper says if anyone can figure out what to do it’s Tony.  He just needs to have a few x-rays of the spot.”

 

“What can I do?”

 

“Don’t leave me.  I know this changes everything but I can’t do this without you.”

 

“This changes nothing.”  Steve says kissing him.

 

Steve takes Bucky in his arms and cards his fingers through Bucky’s hair.  He stamps down the wave of fear.  He can’t lose him again.  As if Bucky knows what he’s thinking he kisses him softly, then speaks.

 

“I’m not going to leave.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Sirs, why don’t I just let you stay down here?  We can either move the meeting here or I can just split it.”

 

“Have everyone come down here, JARVIS.”

 

“Of course Bucky.”

 

“Everyone all set?”  Steve asks with a chuckle once they’re all huddled in the bedroom.

 

“You know I don’t think this is what JARVIS had in mind.”  Clint says.

 

“Oh I don’t know an orgy could be…. Ow… Christ Pepper it was a joke.”  Tony says as she smacks him.

 

“JARVIS please tell me there’s happier news where Dum Dum is concerned.”  Steve says.

 

“I’ve discovered Peggy had his files redacted to protect him.  Apparently Mr. Dugan was quite the field operative and continued the work the Commandos were doing taking down HYDRA bases.  By the time he joined Bucky had become active.  The Winter Soldier had been sent after SHIELD agents. However, his handlers never sent him after Dugan. The files bring up the idea of there being a mole with in SHIELD.  However, according to Dugan’s files everyone he and Peggy questioned were loyal.  So in an effort to keep Dugan safe she had as little put in the files as possible.”

 

“They probably figured he’d recognize you somehow.”  Steve says.

 

“All right.  That’s enough for today.  Everyone give these two some privacy.  They’ve had a rough day.  Barnes come by the lab tomorrow.  Bring Steve.  I want to get an x-ray.”

 

“We can do it now if you want.”  Bucky says getting up.

 

“No.  You stay here with him.  Tomorrow is soon enough. I can still work with what we have.”  Tony says heading out.

 

“If you’re sure.  Oh and Tony?” 

 

“Yes, Barnes?”  Tony asks, just as he’s about to leave.

 

“You’ve earned it.”  Bucky says shutting the door behind him.

 

Bucky laughs lightly as he hears Tony let out a shout of YES.  Steve’s wraps his arms around him from behind and kisses his shoulder.  Bucky stiffens a little when he realizes which one he’s kissed.  Steve does it again.

 

“You sure you want to do that?”

 

“Positive.”  Steve says doing it again.

 

“You’re crazy you know that?”

 

“Tell me something you haven’t before.”

 

“Steve.”

 

“Tony will figure something out.  I’m sure of it.  Now come to bed.”

 

“I’m just gonna sit out here for a bit.  You go ahead.”

 

“Buck.”  Steve says worried.

 

“I just need a bit to process it all.  I promise I’ll come in later.”  Bucky says as he sits on the couch.

 

“All right.”  Steve leans down and kisses his forehead.

 

An hour later Steve hears the sobbing start.  He goes out to the living room to find Bucky sitting on the couch with his head on his knees sobbing.  He goes over and sits on the coffee table and takes Bucky’s hand.  Bucky pulls him onto the couch with him and shifts them until he’s curled on top of Steve. 

 

“I was looking for you.  I didn’t even know who I was but I knew you.  Even then I knew you.  I almost killed you.  If you hadn’t … I could have killed you.”  Bucky says through the tears.  Steve doesn’t know what to say.  But for the first time in seventy odd years he wishes he hadn’t crashed the plane.

 

Bucky cries himself to sleep a few minutes later.  Steve just holds him tight as he can.  Once he’s sure Bucky’s asleep he asks JARVIS to turn down the lights.  Bucky shifts and says he knew him and then falls back into a fitful sleep.  He wakes an hour later and gets off Steve.  He goes and grabs a blanket from the closet and covers him with it.  Then he heads down to the lab. 

 

He finds Jane, Bruce, Tony and Jemma all pouring over his medical records.  He nods to them and plops himself down on one of the stools.  He grabs a folder and starts going through it himself.  He tosses it in Tony’s direction then points to a highlighted section.

 

“Holy shit.  Bruce, Jane come look at this.  JARVIS snap it and send it to Jemma.”

 

In bold letters staring the four of them in the face the file reads:

**Replacement of metal arm successful.**

 


	22. Chapter Twenty Two

They all buzz around him throwing out various theories.  He watches as Tony pulls up a blank document so they can write it all down.  He smiles and comes to a decision, but figures he’ll wait to tell them until things are a little less chaotic.

 

“Can you do it?”  Bucky asks, reminding them he’s in the room.

 

“I don’t know.  You up for a few tests?” Tony asks excited.

 

“I’ll be fine.  Jane tell me about what had you so pissed off.  It’ll distract me.”

 

“When Thor first showed up SHIELD came in and took all my research.  Phil returned it all.  But not apparently before HYDRA got their hands on it.  The bastards used my research for God only knows what.  It’s all redacted.  I have to wait for JARVIS to decipher it.  I made him promise to work on mine last though.  You’re what’s important here.  I can silently stew and work on figure out ways to get you a new arm.  How the hell did Fury just figure out HYDRA had infiltrated SHIELD?” 

 

“I don’t think he just discovered it.  He knew something was going on long before he said anything.  Come on Jane you read the other files. I am going to regret asking this I’m sure, but is there one on… Tony little less of the pinching please… is there one on Steve?”

 

“Oh let me turn into the Hulk so I can get you his.  It’s not just a file Barnes… what?”

 

“You all may officially call me Bucky.  I am now comfortable enough.  Unless you guys don’t want to.  But if I’m going to go out and be in the world again then people are going to call me Bucky.  Just let me tell Steve all right.”

 

“What about the rest of the team?”  Jemma asks clearly happy with this turn of events.

 

“Phil, and Tripp of course is a yes.  Everyone else is a no.”

 

“Phil will be so pleased.  Bruce you were saying about Steve’s file.”

 

“It’s huge.  We haven’t even started going through it.  I’m hoping most of it is just tests they ran after the serum and before he woke up.  But I somehow doubt it.  You know there’s something that’s been bothering me as we’ve gone through these.  Your file’s incomplete.”

 

“How so?  Tony that hurts.”  Tony nods and moves to do something else.  He sets up the x-ray machine and Bucky tries to focus on Bruce.

 

“There’s nothing about the camp.  There’s nothing about what they did the first time in your files.  It’s as if Bucky Barnes doesn’t exist.  It’s as if there’s only the Winter Soldier.”

 

“Okay we need to stop for a second.  JARVIS can you wake Captain Rogers please and get him down here.”

 

“Of course Bucky.  Right away.”

 

“Buck?”  Steve says sleepily.  His hair is sticking up in twenty different directions and all Bucky wants to do in that moment is take him to bed and never leave.

 

“Come hold my hand.”

 

“Okay.  What are you doing down here.  You should be sleeping.”  Steve says more asleep than awake himself.

 

“Couldn’t.  Decided to come down here.  Tony’s got to get x-rays.”

 

“Okay.  Steve says collapsing into the space between Bucky’s legs he kisses Bucky’s neck and then seems to fall back to sleep.

 

“You two are making me sick.”  Tony says, but it’s clear from his tone he’s teasing.

 

“Because Capsicle is now sound asleep leaning against you, I am going to walk you through the x-rays.  I need to get multiple ones of the arm itself.  Then I’m going to need to get the shoulder too.  You up for that?”

 

“This is gonna help me get a new arm right?  I can handle it.”

 

 “Look I may not be able to make it look any different.  It may still have to be metal.”

 

“Won’t have a bomb in it will it?”

 

“No.”

 

“Then that’s what matters.”

 

“Bucky’s metal arm is sexy anyway.”  Steve says sleepily.

 

Bruce bursts out laughing at the look on Tony’s face.  He makes sure to snap a picture then sends it to Pepper.  Jane just shakes her head.  Jemma’s aw just causes Tony to gag.  Bucky just kisses Steve’s temple. 

 

Tony goes through the first set of x-rays which is on the arm itself.  He grimaces but says nothing.  Bruce takes a look and slams his fist on the table then leaves the lab.  Steve kisses Bucky then follows after him, wide awake.  Jemma curses Pierce.  Bucky notices May in the background and the fact that she gasps.  Jane just shudders at the sight.

 

“All right you guys want to… shit.  What do we do?”

 

“Nothing yet.  Let me take the next set of x-rays.  You up for it without Steve here?” 

 

“JARVIS?  Some Sinatra if you please.”  Tony rolls his eyes.

 

“You know AC/DC is more my style.”

 

“Yeah well, I’m a classier guy.”

 

Tony starts on the next set of x-rays and Bucky does all right for all of a song. His heart rate increases and Tony’s about to stop when JARVIS changes the song.  Tony tries not to laugh hysterically.  But it works.  Bucky calms almost immediately.  Jane asks what the song is.

 

“Back before Cap saved Barnes and really joined the war effort he was propaganda.  Did USO shows with showgirls and the works.  If dad hadn’t already had all of the girls at the expo I would have thought it was where he got the idea.  Anyway, this was Steve’s theme song.  From what I hear you can get if off iTunes.   Which must be where JARVIS got it.  Steve hates it.”

 

“I don’t hate it, Tony.  You all right?”

 

“Yeah.  Sinatra wasn’t doing the trick.  Guess JARVIS must have thought this would.”

 

“Looks like he was right.”  Steve says kissing Bucky.

 

“Bruce says it may be tougher to remove the arm safely.  He went down to the gym to try and calm the big guy down.”

 

“Will that work?”  Jemma asks.

 

“It should.  And I’m going to figure it out.  All right last one.  And we’re done.  Do you want a lollipop for being such a good patient?”

 

“I’m going to bed.  I want a full debrief in the morning.  But Tony get some sleep.”

 

“Yes, grandpa.”  Bucky just rolls his eyes.

 

“You coming?”  He asks when Steve doesn’t follow right away.

 

“In a second.  I’ll meet you up there.”

 

“Yes, Capsicle?”  Tony says joking.

 

“I was going to thank you for being so nice to him but now… well.”

 

“Get the hell out of my lab, Rogers and let me get to work.”

 

“Fine.  Thank you, Jane, for everything.”

 

“Anytime.  Now go on.  I get the sense he doesn’t want to be alone.”

 

“You’re probably right.”

 

Steve says goodnight and heads up to the apartment.  Bucky’s not even laying down.  He’s pacing the living room.  Steve goes and stands in front of him and just takes him in his arms.  Bucky doesn’t stay still for long.  Steve thinks he looks more like a caged animal than he has since he’s been back.  Before Steve can even ask what’s wrong Bucky starts rambling.

 

“I don’t exist.  All the tests Zola ran on me at the camp are gone.  How the fuck do boxes of files disappear?  Who doesn’t want the truth out?  It’s not like it’s that big of a secret.  Phillips told you I was dead.  You said hell no.  You did something stupid and then saved me.  Not like it’s not all in the history books and museums anyway.  What the fuck did they do to me?  You know I couldn’t remember it after you saved me.  I had this gap in my memory then.  Wonder why.  This is why I didn’t want you going to the war you know.  Not because I didn’t think you could do it.  But this.  In was trying to save you from the horrors of it.  Great job I did huh?” 

 

“Not to upset you, but the files don’t exist because we blew up the warehouse.”

 

“You gonna tell me that twisted sadistic bastard didn’t have backups.  Didn’t rewrite it all from memory?  Cause I’m not buying it.  Why am I even trying to explain this to you?  You’re not going to get it.”  Steve just stands there and takes it.  He knows what this is, has talked to Sam enough.  Has been to enough meetings to know what this is.  So he lets Bucky rant.

 

“I don’t exist.  Me.  James Buchanan Barnes doesn’t exist all that exists is the Winter Soldier.  That’s it.  There is no Bucky Barnes.  Not anymore.  There’s just the weapon.  The asset.  Looks like HYDRA got what they wanted after all.”  There’s a knock at the door and Bucky freezes.

 

“I’ll just get rid of whoever that is.”  Bucky says nothing just storms into the bedroom slamming the door.

 

“You want me to take over?”  Sam asks coming in.

 

“No.  Just go.  We’re going to be fine.”

 

“You know you may be biting off more than you can chew.”

 

“I know.”

 

“You just don’t care.”

 

“Nope.”

 

“You know where to find me.”

 

Steve turns and heads to the bedroom telling JARVIS to lock up for him.  He finds Bucky sitting in the middle of the bed clutching the sketchbook like a security blanket.  He doesn’t seem to have calmed any.  Steve goes to sit behind him and Bucky gets up and starts to pace again.

 

“You know there’s a trigger in it?  The arm has a trigger in it.  All someone has to do is flip a switch and I could blow.  I mean I knew it had a bomb.  I knew he’d rigged it. That’s not the problem.  From the looks of the x-rays you try to remove it, boom.  That’s why Bruce got so pissed.  That’s why Tony’s down there still trying to figure things out.  And I’d love to think it’s because they want to help me, but then I remember Bucky Barnes doesn’t exist and all I am is the Winter Soldier so I realize it’s self-preservation.  That’s why their doing it.”

 

“Buck.”  Steve says quietly.

 

“Stop saying that.”  Bucky spits.  Steve runs a hand through his hair.

 

He goes and stand right in front of him then takes him into his arms and kisses him.  He knows he’s playing with fire.  That this could end badly for him.  He doesn’t care.  He keeps kissing Bucky trying to get him to relax.  It doesn’t seem to work, but Bucky isn’t pulling away either. Steve pulls away slightly and rests their foreheads together.

 

“I’m so tired, Steve.  I am so tired of the rage that comes out of nowhere.  I’m so tired of not being able to just be.  I am so tired of everything.”  Bucky says quietly.

 

“What can I do?  Let me help.”

 

“You just did.  Can we….”

 

“You want to go sit on the balcony railing?”

 

“No.  I just want you to hold me until my head stops screaming.”

 

“Come on.  You want to do it in here or the living room?”

 

“In here.”  Bucky says pulling him over to the bed.  He gingerly places the sketchbook on his nightstand and then pulls Steve into him.

 

“Thought I was supposed to be holding you.”

 

“Sleep better this way.”  Bucky says.

 

“Can I face you?”

 

“No.  Better this way.”

 

“I love you.”  Steve says kissing Bucky’s hand.

 

“You really think this thing is sexy?”

 

“All of you is.  It’s part of you.”

 

“You’re ridiculous.”

 

“I know.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t be.  I knew the second Bruce told me there was nothing from the camp in your files you were going to be upset.  I just… I didn’t really think about it.  I just figured everything went up when we destroyed it.  Until you said it, I hadn’t considered the fact Zola probably could have reconstructed the files.  But we haven’t gone through everything.  They’ve got to be in there somewhere.  And we’re going to find them.  You really don’t remember anything from your time in the camp?”

 

“No.  I remember being captured.  I remember you showing up.  Thinking you were smaller.  I remember Schmidt and the mask.  I remember worrying that would happen to you.  But what they actually did I have no idea.  I don’t remember any of that.  I know I kept repeating my name rank and serial number though.” 

 

“Bucky?”

 

“Yes JARVIS?”

 

“Tony needs you down in the lab for one more x-ray.  I can tell him we’ll do it another time if you like.”

 

“No.  We’ll be right down.”

 

“Buck, maybe we should wait.”

 

“I want this thing gone, Steve.”

 

“All right.  Come on.”

 

They get down to the lab and find Sam has also joined everyone.  Bucky sits on the stool and Tony hits play on the cd player.  Sinatra starts crooning.  Then he takes Bucky’s arm and turns it a few different ways.  Soon they all hear a click.

 

“Tell me you did not just trigger it.”  Sam says.

 

“Okay I didn’t just trigger it.”  Bucky just gives him a look.

 

“You all right, grandpa?”

 

“Fine.  Wait, turn it that way again.”  Bucky says when Tony turns it and the click sounds different.  Tony does and smiles at what he sees.

 

“Barnes, you all right to look at this?  I want to show you something.”  Bucky nods.

 

“All right, see that cluster of wires there?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“That’s how we do it.  That’s how we disarm it.  That’s how we get you a new arm.  Give me a couple hours.  How are you at being knocked out?”  Bucky shrugs. 

 

“Well, suppose we’re going to find out.  You want anything on the new arm?  You know like the star only not?”

 

“One of the kids at Starbucks said I should turn it white.  Paint the shield around it.  Can we do that?”

 

“You would want your boyfriend’s shield as a tattoo.  Gee maybe he should get a red star on his shoulder.”

 

“You know maybe I should.  I could do it for my birthday.”  Steve says. 

 

“Wait, I was joking.  You sound like you’re serious.”  Tony says looking over at him.

 

“I am.”  Steve says kissing Bucky.  Bucky just beams. 

 

It’s in that moment Steve realizes they’ve weathered another storm.  It’s in that moment Steve realizes they’ve scored another victory against HYDRA.  Steve leans over and kisses him again.  Whispers ‘I love you to him, and squeezes his hand.  All the while wearing a smile.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can see Bucky's getting a new arm. I have decided if it can happen in the comics it's happening in the fic. It's the only thing I'm going to bring over from the comics. Other than him being off grid for those two weeks.


	23. Chapter Twenty Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoy the fluff. Thanks for the kudos and the reviews. We'll return to plot next chapter.

Bucky pecks him on the lips then hugs him. Steve can’t help but beam at him. This is the closest things have been to old times in such a long time. He can finally see the light at the end of this horrible mess. He only hopes Bucky can too. He kisses him again and Tony makes some sort of strangled gagging noise. Sam just laughs at the whole thing.

“All right you two out of my lab. We have work to do.”

“No, you all have beds to get to. Get some sleep. This can wait a day or so.” Bucky says.

“Yeah, not happening.” Bruce says pulling up pictures of the arm.

“What the big guy said. Now run along.” Tony says shooing them out of the lab.

“Jane surely, you…” Jane just waves Bucky and Steve off.

Steve drags Bucky toward the elevator where Sam meets them and rides down with them. He offers to go for a run with Bucky, but Bucky tells him all he needs is Steve. Sam just shakes his head and tells them both they know where to find him if they change their minds.

“You could have gone on a run if you’d wanted.” Steve says as he opens the door.

“Nah I’m too exhausted to. And honestly it’s too late. Besides I’ve got you. I’m good. Did you mean it?”

“Mean what?”

“Getting the tattoo. Cause you don’t have to.”

“Yeah well, maybe I want to. And yeah I did. Unless it would upset you.”

“No it wouldn’t. I just… look you’re Captain America you gotta think about that. If the press catches wind of it…”

“I don’t fucking care what the press is going to think. I’m doing this because I want to. Because I want you to know that…” Bucky kisses him.

“What was that for?”

“To quiet the screaming in your head.” Bucky says resting their foreheads together.

“Buck.” Steve says kissing him again.

“I want to do this for you. I don’t know maybe I should have done it sooner. I thought about it, but then I thought you’d get angry and I didn’t.”

“Tell you what how about you let me wear the tattoos. Cause really I don’t have any choice. Gotta snazz up the metal somehow.”

“I mean it Buck, I don’t care what the press would say.”

“Yeah, I know you don’t. But Pepper has enough to deal with right now. I mean she’s got the fact that Stark Industries was infiltrated by HYDRA, Tony’s usual crazy, she’s got to figure out how to bring me back to the land of the living and reconcile the Winter Soldier last thing she needs to deal with is Captain America getting a tattoo of a red star on his shoulder. Never mind the fact he’s not straight.”

“Fine, to save Pepper’s sanity I won’t get it done. But you seemed like you really wanted me to down in the lab. You could have powered the suits down there with your smile alone.”

“It wasn’t you actually getting it done. It was the fact that you loved me enough to even entertain the idea. You know I still keep thinking we’re going to find something out or I’m going to do something and you’re going to say ‘I can’t do this anymore’ and tell me to get lost. And most of the time I can think it’s me just being an idiot. Most of the time I can talk myself out of it. But when we found out there was nothing from the camp and I had my blow up I thought, this is what’s going to do it. This is going to be the thing that makes you walk away. So to have you turn around and tell Tony you were serious about getting it done…” Bucky stops and clears his throat. Steve kisses him then.

“Nothing we find in those files is going to make me leave. Nothing. End of the line, jerk.”

“I love you.”

“Love you too. Now come on you look like you’re going to collapse. Let’s get some sleep.” Steve says pulling him to the bedroom.

Steve shakes awake an hour later. He doesn’t remember the dream. Bucky shifts and kisses his shoulder then his temple. He snuggles in and tries to fall back to sleep. He does a bit later and dreams of the past. It’s he and Bucky in Brooklyn. He and Bucky in the bar in Europe. But thankful he doesn’t dream of the fall or the crash. He murmurs Bucky’s name in his sleep and shifts so he’s lying on top of him. When he wakes again a few hours later it’s to Bucky kissing him.

“What time is it?”

“Not even three. Can’t sleep sorry.” Bucky says between kisses.

“You know we keep this up.” Steve says shifting so Bucky can tell how hard he is already.

“I like the way you think Captain.” Bucky says with a smile.

“You.. oh god. You think we could do it… naked this time?” Steve asks between moans.

“Correction I love the way you think.” Bucky says grinning wickedly.  


“Buck, stop for a second.” Bucky does mid kiss and arches a brow at him.

“I know what you’re going to ask. And right now in this second I want it more than anything so we’re going to go with that.”

“Okay.” Steve says kissing him. Then he flips them over so Bucky’s on top. Bucky smiles again and kisses him.

“Love you.” Bucky says then strips Steve out of his sweats and boxers then he follows suit.

Steve lets Bucky set the pace, which to his surprise isn’t slow. But it’s not so fast the two of them are going to get off in seconds either. Bucky’s kisses are the kind Steve likes best. The ones where it’s as if he’s the air Bucky needs to breathe. Not that he’d ever admit that. He worries Bucky would think he was crazy. Bucky shifts a certain way and Steve moans so loudly he’s sure they heard him down in the lab, even with Bucky swallowing it in a kiss. He shifts up and it’s Bucky’s turn to moan. He can feel himself getting close and feels Bucky freeze up for a second. Steve moves his hand to Bucky’s hair and cards his fingers through the back. Bucky shifts again and soon they’re both over the edge. Bucky kisses down to Steve’s neck then kisses over his heart before resting his head on Steve’s chest.

“Steve?”

“Hmm?” Steve says sleepily.

“Go back to sleep.” Bucky says instead of what he wants to. Steve kisses the top of his head and soon his breathing evens out. 

Bucky falls asleep again shortly after Steve does. When he dreams it’s not his usual dreams where he can’t get to Steve or of the horrors of his days as the Winter Soldier. This time he dreams of the life he and Steve should have had. He dreams of them both waking up in the future. He dreams of them going and living in the apartment in Brooklyn and in his dreams they’re happy. 

He wakes to Steve running his fingers through his hair and kissing the top of his head asking him what’s wrong. The sun is streaming through the windows and he figures it must be about eight in the morning. He kisses over Steve’s heart again. Then leans up so he can give Steve a proper kiss. It’s then he realizes he’s been crying in his sleep.

“Buck, you all right?”

“Yeah. I’m fine.” Bucky says kissing him again.

“I don’t want to get up.” Steve says snuggling down into the covers and under Bucky more.

“I seem to have that effect on you. Nice to know some things haven’t changed. You never wanted to get up before either. I always thought it was because you were so warm. Now I’m beginning to think it was me.”

“It was. I…” Steve stops. He ducks his head and mumbles his response.

“Oh come on. It’s been seventy years. I ain’t gonna care if you turn into a sap.”

“I just… Look Tony wasn’t wrong. I’m a cuddlewhore. At least where you’re concerned.”

“Oh is that all. Gee I knew that already. Knew it then too. Thing is though, I am too when it comes to you. So I guess we’re both saps.”

“Guess so. You sure you’re okay? You were crying in your sleep.”

“Happy dreams for once.” Bucky says leaning up to claim Steve’s mouth.

“Oh really?”

“Yeah we must have both crashed the plane cause we woke up here together. Got the apartment. I just… we were really happy.”

“We’re going to have that you know. I’m going to make sure of it.”

“World better look out then. Steven Grant Rogers has said something is going to be so.” Bucky’s tone is light and teasing but the amount of love and gratitude Steve sees in his eyes makes him swallow hard. He leans down and kisses Bucky hard.

“Steve.” Bucky moans as Steve pulls away. 

Steve kisses him again and shifts slightly. In the back of his mind he thinks he should be letting Bucky set the pace. Bucky doesn’t seem to be minding though; and they’ve done enough that Steve knows if it gets to be too much Bucky will stop them. As if reading his mind Bucky shifts and kisses him. Steve kisses him and Bucky moans into the kiss again. Steve kisses his neck and chest, even if the angle is a bad one and Bucky freezes. Steve does what he did the previous night and reaches back and cards his fingers through Bucky’s hair. Bucky comes moaning Steve’s name. Steve isn’t far behind.

Bucky kisses him softly then gets out of bed. He pulls Steve up and drags him to the shower. This time they take an actual shower together. Which takes twice as long as it would if they were each taking one alone. Steve isn’t going to complain. This is something he’s wanted for seventy plus years. He’s going to savor it.

“You’re doing that loud thinking thing again.” Bucky says as he helps Steve out of the shower.

“It’s stupid.”

“Thought I was the stupid one in the relationship.” Bucky says teasing.

“You are. But well….”

“I’m rubbing off on you?” Bucky says throwing his head back and laughing before kissing Steve loudly.

“Something like that. I’m just happy.”

“So am I.” Bucky says, but his face gets serious. 

“Buck?”

“Come on let’s head out to the couch.”

“All right.” Steve says kissing him, taking his offered hand.

They go out to the couch and Bucky makes Steve sit down and stretch out before sitting between his legs. Steve cards his fingers through Bucky’s hair again and kisses his neck. Once Bucky’s settled he kisses Steve’s hand. They sit in silence for a while. Then Bucky speaks and Steve’s glad he can’t see Steve’s face. He’d make some smart ass comment Steve’s sure. Steve can tell he’s beaming.

“You know when I dragged you from the water I wasn’t sure what I was remembering. But I’d had flashes of saving you often. I remember thinking this is what my mission is supposed to be. I’m supposed to be saving you. Then I went to the museum and everything started coming back. Like I said it wasn’t linear. But it didn’t matter because every memory I had I was happy in. If you were in it I was happy. But the bad ones were coming just as fast. I remember wishing I could just remember you. You were like the sun breaking through the storm clouds. I tried to focus on you. It was what made me finally find you. I wanted to be happy. I wanted you back in my life because you made me happy before. And I wanted that again. You know what?”

“What?” Steve asks, his voice thick with emotion. Bucky rolls so he can face Steve. 

“I got it.” He says then kisses Steve softly.

“I love you, jerk.”

“Love you too, punk.”


	24. Chapter Twenty Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was very hard for me to write. I hope you all enjoy.

They trade lazy kisses for what seems like hours.  Neither of them is inclined to move to start their day which is more than fine with Steve.  He shifts so he’s lying under Bucky.  Bucky just laughs into the kisses.  Bucky stops kissing him and lays his head on his chest.  Steve kisses the top of his head and Bucky drifts off.  He settles more under Bucky’s weight and drifts off himself.

 

They both wake to AC/DC blaring into the living room.  Bucky jumps up and storms towards the door throwing it open discovering Tony standing there, shit eating grin on his face.  Bucky just rolls his eyes and moves back into the living room.  Steve comes out of the bedroom and chuckles.  Tony seems to have just realized Bucky only has a blanket wrapped around his waist.  Bucky, at the sound of Steve’s chuckle turns back around and throws his head back and laughs.  He kisses Steve then goes to get dressed.

 

“That is why you knock.”  Steve says sitting down to put his shoes on.

 

“Yes, old man.”

 

“Shut it Stark.  Now what did you want?”  Bucky says coming into the room.  Steve goes over and fixes the collar on his button up and kisses him.

 

“All right, look I’m sorry I busted in.  But I tried having JARVIS get you two.  Neither one of you responded.  So I had to come up here myself.”

 

“No, you could have left us alone.  Gone and slept for a couple of hours yourself.”

 

“So this is what a sexually frustrated super-soldier assassin looks like.  Good to know.”

 

“Stark, you’re losing that privilege real quick.”

 

“What privilege?”  Steve asks.

 

“I told them they could call me Bucky.  I was gonna tell you.  We just got sidetracked.”

 

“It’s fine.”  Steve says beaming again.

 

“I’m going to be sick.”  Tony says heading for the door.

 

“You know you’re lucky I know you well enough to know you’re little comments aren’t homophobic, Stark.”  Tony stops and turns back around.  On instinct Steve steps in front of Bucky.

 

“Both of you stand down.”  Steve says trying to diffuse the situation.

 

“Relax Capsicle.  Be down in the lab in half an hour Barnes.  I have something I want to show you.”  Tony says then leaves.

 

“Bucky do you have to provoke him like that?”

 

“Relax, Stevie.”  Bucky says pecking him on the lips.

 

Steve just rolls his eyes then turns to leave the apartment.  He heads upstairs and finds Tony sitting reading at the island.  He asks if he can talk to him privately for a minute.  Tony leads him out onto the balcony off the dining area and leans against the railing.

 

“You know neither of us think that right?  That you’re homophobic?”

 

“Seriously, you’re seriously asking me this?  Relax Rogers.  Bucky and I have an understanding.  All right look, he and I have talks down in the lab at night when he can’t sleep.  One night I’d made a few too many comments and he came down demanding to know if he had to kick my ass on your behalf cause I had a problem with it.  I told him no.  It’s more… you tell anyone I said this I’ll deny it; but it’s like thinking about your grandparents having sex.  It’s gross.  I don’t care if I’m a grown man and that’s the attitude of a teenager.  It’s why I call him grandpa.  So I told him if it started getting him to let me know.  Must be this morning it was getting to him.  In other words we’re fine.  Now can I go back and finish my coffee?”

 

“You have talks with him when he can’t sleep?”  Tony rolls his eyes and walks away.

 

“Barnes your boy’s out there beaming make him stop.”  Bucky just laughs and brings Steve a glass of orange juice.

 

Steve takes the orange juice from him and then kisses him hard.  Bucky is surprised for all of a second before he’s kissing him back.  In the background he hears Pepper and Jane awing.  Bruce clears his throat and moves around them.  Tony mutters something about showing off.  Steve hears Sam tell them to get a room.  They don’t part until Bucky hears Phil.

 

“Sorry.  Probably should have mentioned I’d invited Coulson to hear the rest of the files.”  Tony says.

 

“It’s fine.”  Bucky says leading Steve over to a chair and then sitting him in his lap.

 

“Please don’t start feeding each other.”  Tony says.  Pepper smacks his arm.

 

“We don’t have a lot of chairs out here.  They’re simply conserving space.  Morning you two.  Phil.”  Pepper says going over and giving him a hug.

 

“Hi.  So I’m no longer on your shit list?”

 

“You, no.  But Melinda May is.  She’s going to have to do some serious ass kissing to get off it.”

 

“Why am I not surprised?  Tony you said you had questions about the files?”

 

“Yeah.  Well, the big guy does actually.”

 

“There’s nothing on Bucky Barnes.  I don’t mean the Winter Soldier here.  I mean Bucky Barnes.  I want to know why.”

 

“Those were destroyed during the war.  Cap did it.  Don’t blame me.”  Phil says.

 

“This is Zola we’re talking about, though.  You can’t seriously think the man didn’t have backups.  Come on Phil.  Where are they?”

 

“What exactly are you getting at here, Banner?”  Phil asks angrily.

 

“I don’t know.  I just don’t buy that Zola didn’t keep everything.”

 

“I’ve given you everything I’ve got.  Everything that wasn’t made public in the dump Natasha did.  If it’s not there it’s not there I’m sorry.”

 

Bucky makes Steve get up then hops up on the railing.  Before Steve can even make it over to him Pepper is talking to him.  He hops down and goes inside. Pepper follows.  Steve turns to Phil and chooses his words carefully.

 

“I don’t know what I believe Phil.  I know better than anyone, with the exception of Bucky what happened in that warehouse.  I know Schmidt blew it up.  But I also know Zola.  I know he was the type of man who wouldn’t let years of research go up in flames.  I also know he and Schmidt had been working on discovering what was in the serum so they could duplicate it for Hitler.  So this me asking, not Bruce, not Tony. Me.  Are you positive you’ve given us everything that wasn’t made public in the file dump?”

 

“Let me have Skye do some checking.  I’ll get back to you.”

 

“That’s all I’m asking.  Thanks.”  Steve says, then he turns and goes inside to sit with Bucky.

 

“What did he say?”  Pepper asks.

 

“He’s going to have Skye do some checking.  I want to believe he wouldn’t lie to us.  That he gave us everything.  But Fury may still be pulling his strings.  I just can’t believe Zola didn’t keep anything.  Bucky’s right about that.  Can you give us a minute?”

 

“Of course, you two take all the time you need.  And Bucky, I’ll get started on that other matter right away.”

 

“Thanks Pepper. Come here, punk.”  Bucky says holding out his hand for Steve.  Steve takes it and Bucky pulls him into his lap.

 

“You all right?”  Bucky and Steve ask at the same time.  Bucky smiles and kisses him.

 

“Now I am.  I keep trying to remind myself it doesn’t matter.  That I’m probably better not knowing what they did to me the first time around.  Then I think it’s going to probably come back anyway.  But what if it doesn’t?”

 

“I’m not giving up.  If those files are out there we’re going to find them.”  Steve says resting his head on Bucky’s shoulder. 

 

“Hey, you two get out here.”  Tony calls from inside.

 

“What?”  Steve asks as they head back to the balcony.

 

“JARVIS may have found something.  It’s in one of the redacted files.  We didn’t think anything of it at first but then Phil mentioned the number on the file sounded familiar.  JARVIS did further checking we may have hit the jackpot.  He’s still tracing some of the files it’s linked to though.  Give him a couple of minutes.”

 

“Bucky, does the number 32557038 mean anything to you?”  JARVIS asks.  Bucky looks a little lost and Steve squeezes his hand.

 

“It was his serial number.  Why?”  Steve supplies.

 

“I found them.  I found every file they had on Bucky Barnes.  It’s going to take me a bit to get them fully redacted.  But at least I’ve found them.  Bucky are you all right?”

 

“I… I need to go…”  Bucky races for the elevator and is out of the room before Steve or Sam can follow him.

 

“JARVIS.”  Tony says.

 

“I’ll keep an eye on him, sir.  Captain Rogers you should go down to the apartment.”

 

“I’m on my way.”

 

“You want me to come with?”  Sam asks.

 

“No, but be on standby.”  Sam nods.

 

Steve goes down to the apartment and finds Bucky curled up in the bed.  Every cover is up over his head.  He goes and sits on the side of the bed.  He runs his hand over the lump in the bed and isn’t surprised when Bucky’s hand shoots out from underneath.

 

“You all right?”

 

“It came back in a rush. The camp.  Steve I should have died.  Schmidt wanted to kill me.  Wanted to kill all of us.  Zola convinced him we’d make better lab rats.”

 

“Let me under.”  Steve says and Bucky does.  He lays so Bucky can hold him.  Bucky does so and just buries his face in Steve’s neck.

 

“I’m right here.  You’re safe.  I love you.”  Steve says kissing his hand.

 

Bucky gets up and goes around the bed to the other side and gets in.  Steve just shakes his head but says nothing.  He takes Bucky into his arms and cards his fingers through Bucky’s hair.  Bucky starts shaking and then Steve realizes he’s sobbing.  It’s like that night at the camp again.  Bucky can’t get close enough no matter what he does.  Steve kisses his temple and tells him over and over he’s safe and loved.  Someone knocks on the door and he tells them to go away.  Bucky whimpers when the knocking doesn’t stop.  He grips Steve so tight with the metal arm he’s sure it’s going to leave a bruise.

 

“Captain Rogers I can tell Mr. Wilson to go if you’d like I don’t think he heard.”

 

“Please.  Sh it’s okay.  You’re safe.  I’m right here.  Not going anywhere.  I promise.”

 

“Not close enough.”  Bucky says quietly.

 

“I know.”  Steve shifts them so Bucky’s lying on top of him.

 

“Better?”  Bucky just nods and kisses his chest.

 

“Get some sleep, Buck.”  Bucky shakes his head no.

 

“Can’t.” He says holding him tighter again.

 

“JARVIS my mix please.”

 

“Of course Captain.”

 

“Steve.”

 

Bucky smiles when _People Will Say We’re In Love_ starts playing.  He leans up and kisses Steve.  Steve brushes the hair out of his eyes and then kisses him back.  Bucky shifts so he’s not holding Steve quite as tight.  He starts to apologize but Steve just shakes his head and kisses him again.  Bucky tries to shift so he can hold Steve but Steve just keeps him where he is. 

 

“Stay put.”

 

“Yes, sir.”  Bucky says mock saluting.  Steve smiles and kisses him again.

 

“We should probably go back upstairs.”  Bucky says, and Steve can tell from his tone it’s the last thing he wants.

 

Before Steve can respond there’s another knock at the door followed by everyone coming in.  Tony makes a gesture as if to say this wasn’t his idea.  Phil looks like he’d rather be anywhere than where he is.  But Steve gets the sense it’s because being in your childhood idol’s bedroom has got to be uncomfortable.  Sam sits on the floor by Bucky.  Nat takes his other side on the bed.  Clint sits at his feet.  Pepper sits by Steve.  Tony and Bruce flank each side of the door.  Jane sits at Steve’s feet.

 

“We can move into the living room you know.”  Bucky says.

 

“No, we’re staying right here.”  Nat says in a way that no one dares argue with.

 

“So I’ve got the new arm designed.  Want to see?”  Tony asks and Steve laughs because he sounds like a kid on Christmas.

 

“Sure why not.  Nat, let me up.” 

 

“I can just pass… right.  Out in the living room?”  Tony asks.  Bucky nods.

 

Bucky comes back into the bedroom and climbs up the bed then settles back into Steve’s arms.  Steve notices he seems a bit happier and mouths a ‘thank you’ to Tony, who just shrugs.  Sam asks what happened and Bucky just says he remembered.  Doesn’t elaborate and thankfully Sam doesn’t ask him to.  Natasha just hugs him from behind.  Steve wonders how much she knows.  But then he remembers Bucky being in the camp is public knowledge.

 

“So, we gonna sit here or are we going to let JARVIS start spilling what’s in the files?”  Clint asks.

 

“It’s James’s call.”  Nat says.

 

“In a minute.  Look, don’t call me Yasha **_ever_** again.  I can’t… Nat that’s not me.  Never was.”  Natasha nods and apologizes once more. 

 

“I wasn’t finished.  I’m letting everyone else call me Bucky you and Clint might as well too.”

 

“Nope.  Not happening.  But I promise to just call you James.  Deal?”

 

“Deal.”  Bucky says kissing her cheek.

 

“I can… wait, you let Tony before you let me?  That’s not fair.”  Clint says sounding put out and pouting.

 

“Quit acting like a two year old, Barton.”  Tony says.

 

“I’m just messing with him.”

 

“Could you not?”  Steve asks. 

 

“Steve, it’s fine.  Now, JARVIS you gonna give me a rundown of what they did or what? Need to know if my head’s got it right.”  Bucky says.  Steve turns him to face him and kisses him.

 

“Of course Bucky.  Whenever you’re ready.”

 

“Might as well get it over with.”  Bucky says.  He shifts so he’s half laying on Steve who immediately cards his fingers through his hair.

 

“You know they gave you the serum.  Or what they were calling the serum.  Gave it to you in amounts that should have killed you.  Or at the very least turned you into a monster like Schmidt.  And when it didn’t Schmidt got angry with Zola.  Beat him so he turned around and beat you.  You just kept repeating your name rank and serial number.  There are reports that Dugan and Jones tried to get them to beat them instead.  They of course didn’t.  But by that time Captain Rogers had had the procedure and they’d figured out who you were.  I hate to say this, especially given what just happened a little while ago.  But it seems that was the plan all along.  What better way to bring…”

 

“What better way to bring down Captain America then to send his best friend to kill him.  Don’t you see? It’s the perfect plan Herr Schmidt.  It won’t fail.”  Bucky finishes.

 

“Buck?”  Steve says.  He tries to keep the fear out of his voice and fails.  It’s as if Bucky isn’t in the room.

 

“Perhaps another break is in order.”

 

“Good idea JARVIS.”  Tony says ushering everyone but Sam out.

 

“Buck?” 

 

Bucky says nothing.  Then he starts repeating what he was in the camp.  Over and over it’s just James Buchannan Barnes 32550738.  Steve kisses his temple, tells him he’s safe and loved.  But nothing seems to get through.  Sam tries a few times as well.  _This is it_ Steve thinks _.  This is what I’m not going to be able to get him back from._   He feels the anger bubbling up and then Bucky shifts.  He kisses him.

 

“Steve.”  Bucky says breathlessly.  He’s squeezing tight but Steve doesn’t care.

 

“Right here.  I’ve got you.  You’re safe.”

 

“I want to go home.”

 

“I know Buck.  I know.” Steve says and just like all those years ago he lets silent tears run down his face.

 

“I’m gonna be out there, all right?”  Sam says pointing towards the living room. Steve just nods.

 

“Stevie, please tell them to let me go home.  You too.”

 

“I will.  But you’re safe I’m right here I’ve got you.”

 

“I love you.  I know I shouldn’t but I do.”  Steve freezes.  He’d forgotten.  How could he have forgotten? 

 

“I love you, too.”  Steve says kissing the top of his head.  He looks down, and just like that night he’s fallen asleep.

 

“You okay?”  Sam asks from the doorway.

 

“He said it then.  He’d whispered it to me.  I never said it back.  I was in shock.  I wasn’t ashamed.  I loved him, but he wasn’t thinking straight, or so I didn’t think.  I didn’t want to say it back and have him take it back when he was himself again.  But he remembered.  That’s what he meant when we had the fight.”

 

“Steve, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to protect yourself.”  Steve doesn’t say anything, he’s not sure he believes Sam. 

 

“You can go Sam.  He’s going to be asleep for a while.  I think and if not, well, we’ll still be okay.”  Sam nods and soon Steve hears the door close.  Steve kisses the top of Bucky’s head and tries to fall asleep.

 


	25. Chapter Twenty Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The files will return I promise. This chapter wasn't easy to write. Mostly because I had it written and then due to lack of strong internet connection I lost it. I had to reconstruct it. So I gave you more a day in the life chapter. I have to work on the rest of the files. But they are coming. I haven't forgotten. And we still have Steve's b'day which I've already decided is going to be a fluffy fun ball. Thank you all for bearing with me. I really do appreciate all the support.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy.

Bucky wakes on and off and just snuggles closer to Steve.  Steve pretends to be asleep every time just like he did after the camp.  At one point Bucky wakes up and brushes the hair out of Steve’s eyes.  It makes faking he’s asleep more difficult but he manages.  Then Bucky kisses him and he can’t do it anymore.  He kisses back.  Bucky pulls away and shifts around to get comfortable.

 

“Steve?”

 

“Hmmm.”

 

“I need…  I can’t….”  Bucky just squeezes him tight.

 

“You want to leave don’t you?”  Steve says trying to stamp down the fear.  _This is it.  This is going to be the thing I’m not going to be able to bring him back from,_ Steve thinks to himself.

 

“I feel trapped here.  I feel caged.  Sitting on the balcony railing isn’t helping.  Talking to Sam isn’t helping.  Only time I feel even remotely like my old self is when we’re right here.  And even then, it’s not all the time.  I just need to get out of here.”

 

“Do you want me to come with you?”  Steve asks, trying to keep his tone even.  Last thing he wants is for Bucky to feel like he’s not allowed to leave.

 

“I need to just get away.  From everything.  I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t be.  It’s all right.”  Steve says fighting to keep his emotions in check.  The thought crosses his mind again this is the thing Bucky won’t be able to come back from.

 

“I’ll come back.”  He says kissing Steve softly.

 

“I know.  You always do.” Bucky kisses him again and gets up.

 

He grabs one of Steve’s duffle bags and throws some things in.  Steve tries not to count the number of it all.  Steve doesn’t move.  He just tries to pretend to have fallen back to sleep.  Bucky leans down and kisses his forehead.

 

“Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone.”  He says.  He gets to the door and waits.

 

“How can I you’re taking all the stupid with you.”  Steve says quietly. 

 

He doesn’t think Bucky hears him but then Bucky turns and flashes him a grin.  Steve hears him take the keys they’d brought back with them the other day and smiles.  Abbigail will keep an eye on him.  He knows there’s always the chance he won’t go there, but at least he knows it’s a possibility.  Steve gets up and gets ready for his run. 

 

He finds Tony sitting at the island when he gets up to the common room.  Steve nods at him and Tony just nods back.  Steve wonders what Tony knows.  He heads out for his run and runs half of it.  He stops at Starbucks on his way back and one of the girls there tells him Bucky stopped in and already paid for his coffee.  He’s not sure he believes her until she gives him a folded up napkin with his coffee.  _Forgot to tell you I love you, punk._  Steve smiles and thanks her for the coffee then heads back to the tower.

 

He gets back and everyone starts in immediately. Sam tells him given Bucky’s state last night he should have known better.  Nat asks him what he could have possibly been thinking.  Clint just asks if he brought any weapons with him.  Sam points out Bucky could turn a plastic knife into a weapon.  Pepper and Jane, bless them, just ask if Bucky was upset when he left.  Bruce comes up half way through everyone’s tirade and Steve expects him to start in as well.  He just asks if he trusts Bucky to not have an episode.  Steve says he does.  Jemma arrives and she just goes over to Steve and hugs him.  She whispers to him that Bucky will always come back to him and that when things seem really bleak he needs to remember that.  Sam’s about to start in again when Tony comes into the room.  He says nothing just pulls Steve out onto the balcony.

 

“Make it seem like we’re arguing.  He’s going to be back tomorrow afternoon and while he may not stay after I’m done doing what I need to do, he will be back.  I offered him the jet, he said he didn’t need it.  Just needed the subway.  Said you’d be able to tell where he was based on that.  But he asked you not follow him.  He needs time to process everything.  He has a way to get in touch with JARVIS if he needs anything. You get it right, why he needs to get away.  He’s worried you don’t.”

 

“I get it.  I just don’t like feeling like I’m making it worse or not helping at all.”

 

“You letting him do this, trusting him to come back, is helping more than you realize.”

 

“Wait, does he even have a bed to sleep on?  There’s no furniture.”

 

“Little known fact, I own the building.  Richard manages it for me.  I’ve already had my people go in and make the modifications for the security system.  I had them toss in a king size bed and comfortable enough for cuddling couch.  Though if you hate the couch that’s all Pepper.”

 

“You tell anyone I said this, I’ll deny it.  But you Tony Stark, are the best.”

 

“You’re not going to hug me are you?”

 

“No.”  Steve says just shaking his head.

 

They head back inside and Steve heads back down to the apartment.  He putters around and finds himself watching the clock.  He grabs his sketchbook and heads out onto the balcony and sketches the skyline for a bit.  Jemma comes and says goodbye.  She tells him Fitz is on the mend and Steve insists she bring him to the party he’s sure Bucky is throwing him.  Jane brings him some lunch and they talk for a bit.

 

“You’re leaving Friday, right?”

 

“I was but Tony asked me if I’d stay, help with Bucky.  I of course agreed.  Thor’s still in Asgard anyway.  Might as well stay here and be useful.  Erik, Darcy and Ian can handle things back home.”

 

“Ah.  Let him know if he needs us…”

 

“He knows but he feels Loki is his problem.”  Steve just nods.  Jane gathers their things, gives him a side hug and then heads back inside. 

 

Steve stays outside and sketches for a bit longer, but he’s really not happy with how any of it is coming out.  He goes inside and throws a pair of shoes on then heads out for a walk.  He doesn’t really have a destination in mind and is surprised when he ends up in the park in Brooklyn.  He finds a secluded spot and settles in to sketch.  He’s so lost in his head just sketching a squirrel in a tree that he doesn’t hear anyone approach. Doesn’t realize someone has sat down behind him until he feels Bucky’s arm go around him and the gentle kiss dropped onto the back of his neck.  He settles back but doesn’t stop sketching.  He’s got the squirrel almost done when it realizes it’s being watched and scurries off.

 

“You know, I could have been anyone.”  Bucky says, once Steve closes the sketchbook.

 

“I knew it was you.”

 

“Not till I sat down ya didn’t.  Stevie, you gotta be more alert.”  Steve shifts so he can look at Bucky.  He frowns when he realizes how serious he is.

 

“Hey.  I would have been all right.”

 

“You don’t have the shield with you.”

 

“I don’t need the shield.  Buck, honestly, I would have been fine.”  Bucky just grunts in response.

 

“I’m going to go.  I didn’t even realize I was heading here till I got here.”

 

“Stay.”  Bucky says keeping Steve where he is.

 

“But you told….”  Bucky leans over and kisses him.

 

“Stay.”  Bucky settles so he can soak up some of the sun and pulls Steve so he’s lying next to him.

 

“Tony tell you I was here?”  Bucky asks, but there’s no malice in his voice.

 

“No.  He just said he had offered you the jet.  And I heard you take the keys.”

 

“Abbigail says I’m being an idiot.  Says I should have let you come along.”

 

“She doesn’t know everything.”

 

“It just got to be too much, you know.  I couldn’t quiet the screaming.  You weren’t helping, not making it worse either, but I just felt like I was suffocating.  Tony says he thinks I should sit the rest of the files out.  But I don’t want to do that.  I need to know.”

 

“Whatever you want, Buck.  I mean that.  We do this at your pace.  I know it hasn’t seemed like that the past few days.  But I’ll remind everyone.  You call the shots.  You decide.”  Bucky turns and kisses his shoulder.

 

“I love you.”

 

“I love you too.  Now I’m going to go.  I need to get back before they send out a search party.  Which knowing them would be them guns blazing.”

 

“You don’t have to go.  You can stay.”  Bucky says.

 

“What do you want?”  Bucky just looks at him like he’s amazed he gets to decide.  It breaks Steve’s heart a little.

 

“They really didn’t send you out here.  You really didn’t even realize what you were doing.”

 

“You thought I was lying to you?  You know I can’t lie my way out of a paper bag.”  Steve keeps his tone light, but he must not keep the hurt from his eyes.  Bucky leans over and kisses him.

 

“Sorry.  I just need a little time, Steve.”

 

“All right.  You come back when you’re ready.”  Steve kisses him softly then leaves.

 

Steve gets back to the tower and finds Pepper on the phone.  She waves him away and he heads down to the apartment.  He finds Sam waiting for him.  He opens the door and would shut it in Sam’s face but he can’t be that rude.  He goes and grabs himself a glass of water and tries to ignore the other man.  Too bad for him Sam knows that’s what he’s doing.

 

“You can’t avoid me forever, you know.  Tower’s not big enough.”

 

“Then I’ll leave.”  Steve says not bothering to hide the anger.

 

“I’m not the only one thinking you’ve lost your mind.”

 

“Oh believe me I know.”

 

“Steve he shouldn’t be wandering off.”

 

“He’s not.  Look, I’m not going to betray his trust but I knew exactly where he was going.  I also knew if he needed me he would have called.”

 

“He’s not in any….”  Sam takes a step back when Steve gets in his personal space.

 

“Let me explain something to you Sam, brainwashing doesn’t matter.  I know Bucky as well as I know myself.  So when I say I was completely comfortable with letting him leave you all had damn well start believing I know what I’m doing.  Now get the hell out.”

 

Sam, to Steve’s surprise does.  It’s not five minutes later though there’s a knock on his door.  He opens it to find Bruce.  He rolls his eyes but lets him come in.  Bruce just sits down at the kitchen island and waits for Steve to start.

 

“You really let Sam have it, I hear.”

 

“I did.  I’m not going to apologize.  I am so sick of everyone trying to tell me I don’t know him anymore and that he’s changed.  As if I don’t know it.”

 

“So before I offer anything up, just so you know my concern about him having an episode had more to do with him than anyone else.  I’m fairly confident he’d get himself somewhere where he’d be alone.  But I’ve seen him have enough of them to know he needs you to center him and bring him out of it.  Now, all I’m going to say about him leaving today is he knows better than anyone what’s going on in his head.  And you being able to say, go, despite you probably not really wanting him to, is going to mean more to him than he’s going to be able to tell you.  Trust me.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“No problem.”

 

“Knock, knock.”  Nat says coming in as Bruce leaves.

 

“I am not in the mood.”

 

“I came to apologize.  I overstepped.  I’m sorry.”  Steve just nods.  He’s about to go grab Nat a glass of water when the door opens and Bucky walks through.  Nat has enough sense to make herself scarce.

 

“Pack a bag.” Bucky says.  Steve just eyes him warily as he does as Bucky asked.

 

“You all right.”

 

“Abbigail kicked me out of our apartment.  Told me unless I came back with you I couldn’t.  You weren’t kidding when you said she runs the neighborhood.”

 

“Let me get a few things.  But c’mere first.”  Bucky goes to him and Steve kisses him.

 

“I love you.  Don’t **_ever_** forget that.  And I am always going to do whatever you need me to for you to feel safe and happy.  Don’t forget that either.”

 

“What brought that on?”  Bucky asks following Steve into the bedroom as he packs.

 

“Nothing, just wanted you to know.”

 

“Uh huh.”

 

“I don’t want to talk about it.  You ready to go?”  Steve asks throwing his bag over his shoulder.

 

“Let’s get out of here.” 

 

They make it as far as the common room.  Clint tries to get them to stay put first.  But it’s a halfhearted attempt.  Nat gives it her best try next, but Steve can tell she really doesn’t want to bother.  Bruce just shakes his head at the scene.  Sam is the one who puts up the most fight.  Bucky just tells him to fuck off and leads Steve out the door.

 

They get to the apartment and Abbigail nods her approval at the fact Steve’s now there too.  Her granddaughter tries to apologize for her, but Bucky says it’s fine.  That Abbigail isn’t acting any different than she used to with the two of them. 

 

Bucky leads him inside and straight to the bedroom.  He settles Steve then curls up into him.  He’s sound asleep in minutes.  Steve chuckles softly.  He shifts slightly and kisses Bucky’s temple then tries to sleep himself.  It takes him a bit but soon he’s drifting off himself.  He wakes to Bucky squeezing him.  He runs his fingers through Bucky’s hair and then they’re both back to sleep.

 


	26. Chapter Twenty Six

Steve wakes to the smell of bacon.  He gets out of bed to find Bucky wearing one of his button ups over his wife beater and a pair of boxers plating his eggs.  He goes over and kisses him then gets himself a cup of coffee.  They have breakfast then Steve steers Bucky back to bed.  But once he gets there he just cuddles up on top of him.

 

“You all right, punk?”

 

“I had a bunch of missed calls and voice mails from Sam.”

 

“You want to go sort things out with him we can.”

 

“That’s just it.  I don’t want to.  I am so sick of everyone thinking they know what’s best for you better than you do.  Or that I don’t know how to help you when you… when you….”  Bucky kisses him before finishing it for him.

 

“I get upset and stop talking or start having an episode?”

 

“Yeah.  Can’t we just stay here?”

 

“This hiding from a fight isn’t like you.”

 

“Maybe I just learned to pick my battles.”

 

“I somehow doubt that.”  Bucky says kissing him.

 

“I can’t stay angry when you do that.”  Steve says kissing Bucky’s chest.

 

“That’s the idea.  Come on, we have to go back to the tower anyway.  I was going to surprise you but I don’t know if I can have Tony knock me out for it; he’s got the new arm ready.  We’re supposed to I don’t know what to call it, switch it out.  I was gonna make it part of your birthday present.  But I think I need you in the room.  I mean I’d understa….”  Steve kisses him hard then.

 

“I’ll be there.  I love you.”

 

“Love you too.  God I am not looking forward to this.  I remember the last time.  There was so much pain… I…”  Steve kisses him again. 

 

“Tony’s going to do everything he can so it doesn’t hurt.  I’m going to be right there.  If it gets to be too much you just have to say so.  I’m sorry I can’t tell you that you don’t have to do this.  I wish I could.”

 

“I know you do.  I guess we should get over there.”  Steve nods and gets out of bed.

 

They get to the tower and Tony immediately takes Bucky down to the lab.  Steve goes to follow and Sam stops him.  They stare at each other for a full ten minutes before Natasha gets in between the two of them.  She tells Steve to go down to the lab.  Then she takes Sam outside.

 

“Look, I get it.  But would you try to see it from his side.  His side which is Bucky says he needs to leave because he feels suffocated even here.  I got news for you Sam, for as protective of Steve as Bucky is, Steve is twice as protective of him.  I get it, your training tells you don’t let Bucky move too fast on the whole getting back into society.  And I know none of us knew about the apartment in Brooklyn but if Steve wasn’t worried maybe we shouldn’t have been either.  Besides he talked to Tony first.”

 

“You done?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Good.  I know I crossed the line.  I was gonna see if Steve wanted to go for our run this morning so I could apologize.”

 

“He’s not ready.  He’s still too pissed off.  Give him a little time.  Now come on, let’s get down there.”

 

The two of them get to the lab to find Tony’s taking apart the old arm.  He’s got it off up to Bucky’s elbow.  Steve is behind Bucky running his fingers through his hair and kissing his forehead every once and a while telling him over and over he loves him and that he’s safe.  Tony starts to take off the next piece which is the one attached to his body and Bucky screams in pain.  Steve tries to soothe him through it and Natasha can see his face fall when Bucky starts begging for him to make them stop hurting him.  Tony immediately steps away.  Tony takes the old arm to another part of the lab and they both smile at Pepper telling him to not start playing with it yet.

 

Bucky tries to curl into Steve and cries harder when he can’t move.  Steve moves so he’s in front of Bucky.  He brushes the hair from Bucky’s face and kisses him.  He tells him he loves him and how brave he is.  Bruce offers him a sedative but Bucky refuses.  He calls for Tony and says he wants to get this over with.  Tony nods then takes out the new arm.  On the shoulder where the star was is Cap’s shield.  Steve just chuckles softly and calls Bucky a jerk.  Nat doesn’t catch Bucky’s reply but the kiss Steve gives tells her it must have been good. 

 

She smiles at the fact that while all this has been going on Tony has already started putting the new arm in place.  He’s already gotten it attached to Bucky’s shoulder with minimal pain.  He’s moving on to the next piece when Bucky tells him he needs another break.  Tony steps away again and Jemma, who Nat hadn’t even realized was there, goes over and says something to him.  He nods and she says something to Bruce.  When Bruce goes near him with the needle though Bucky shakes his head no.  Bucky calls Tony back over and tells him to finish it.  Tony works as quickly as he can. 

 

Tony finishes getting the new arm attached and then kicks everyone but Steve out of the area.  He tells them to give him five minutes then he’s going to give them the room.  He gives Bucky a few instructions on what to do with the arm for the next few hours.  Nat smiles at the fact that Tony makes one of them not carrying Steve around.  He also tells Bucky he’s going to have to run a few tests in a few hours but that they’re all going to be reflex tests.  Bucky nods and then Tony leaves.  Nat and Sam follow him out of the lab.

 

“Stevie, c’mere.”  Bucky says.

 

“What do you need, Buck?’

 

“Hold me.”  Steve settles on the side with Bucky’s flesh arm and kisses him.

 

“You did so well.  I am so proud of you.  You feeling okay?”

 

“Like I got run over by a bus or I could sleep for days.  But it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be.  I’m sorry.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I scared you.”

 

“No, jerk, you didn’t.  I just hated that I couldn’t spare you the pain.  That’s all.  Get some sleep.  I’ll be right here.”

 

“I’m awake.”  Bucky says, but he can barely keep his eyes open.  Steve plays with the hair at the nape of his neck and soon Bucky’s asleep. 

 

Steve just keeps it up for a while.  He gets up an hour later to stretch and ends up waking him up.  Bucky goes to move and makes it as far as putting his legs off the bed.  Then he’s laying back down.  Tony comes back in and asks if Bucky wants him to start the tests now or give him a little longer.  Bucky says he wants him to do it now.  Tony gets started and makes a lot of hmmms and okays but otherwise doesn’t really tell them anything.  Around six Tony tells them to come up for dinner.  Once everyone gets there Tony starts to explain the results.

 

“It went as well as I’d hoped.  I wouldn’t go ripping steering wheels out with it for another week or so but otherwise you can start using it right away.  But let me know if you feel any pain.”  Tony says with a smile.  Bucky just rolls his eyes and gives Sam a look. 

 

“Hey man, it’s your own fault.”  Bucky just glares and then gets up from the table.

 

“Buck?”

 

“I’m fine.  I’m gonna go lay down.”

 

“Tony, did you really have to mention that?” Steve asks angrily.

 

“I was trying to lighten the mood.  Now go cuddle your guy.  You and I both know that’s what he needs.” 

Steve goes down to the apartment to find Bucky stretched out on the couch sleeping.  He takes a blanket out of the closet and covers him with it.  He goes and sits in the chair and puts his hand on Bucky’s foot so he knows he’s there.  Bucky sleeps for a few hours.  When he wakes up he covers Steve, who’s fallen asleep in the chair and heads to find Tony.

 

He finds Tony in the lab going over the old arm.  He’s got it in pieces all over his table.  He notices he’s by himself.  Bucky sits on the stool and watches him for a minute.  When Tony doesn’t acknowledge him after a bit he goes and looks at the suits along the wall.  Tony looks up when he hears the knock on the suit.

 

“Took you long enough.”  Bucky says sitting back down.

 

“What can I do for you, grandpa?”

 

“First of all knock it off with the grandpa stuff, at least for right now.”

 

“Fine, what can I do for you Barnes?”

 

“I just wanted to say thanks for last night.  Not telling anyone where I was.  You could have and you didn’t.  Means a lot.”

 

“I told Pepper before we went to bed.  She was really worried after you left with Steve.  So I told her you and Steve had gone home.”

 

“What she say?”

 

“Nothing, just let out this little squeal and clapped.  I shook my head and went to bed.”

 

“You all right letting me do that?”

 

“What go off and spend time with your man in private where all of us can’t walk in on you?  Yeah.  I’d prefer it truth be told.  You two are worse than two teenagers when you get going.”

 

“Tony.  Not what I meant.”

 

“I am.  You’re still technically with an Avenger so who the hell has any right to say anything.  Now tell me what you have planned for his birthday.”

 

“I thought we were worse than two teenagers.”  Bucky says teasing.  Tony just smacks him on the metal arm.  Bucky looks shocked.

 

“Felt it huh?”

 

“Yeah.”  Bucky says in amazement.

 

“Thank Jemma for that.  She noticed Steve seemed to favor that side and worked hard to get it so you could feel when he rested his head on that side.  She told me to tell you she’s not sure about the other things but it’s a definite possibility.  Said you’d know what they were.”

 

“I do.”  Bucky says grinning,

 

“Well, you gonna spill the beans on his birthday or what?”

 

“It’s a day away Tony I’m sure you can wait.”

 

“But Pepper knows.”  Tony says pouting.

 

“Yes she does because I know I can trust her not to sit there and tell him she knows something he doesn’t.  But actually I need your help.  Pepper and I think you’re the best man for the job.”

 

“I’m in.  What do you need?”

 

“First, can you brew up some of that stuff that got him drunk?  But don’t make it quite as strong.  Second, it’s going to be at the apartment in Brooklyn, but I need someone to keep him here in Manhattan.  Then bring him to Brooklyn once I call.  You still in?”

 

“I’ll make up some Avengers business if I have to.  Why me though, why not Sam?”

 

“They’re on the outs still.  I don’t want to push it.  Steve’s got to realize on his own that Sam’s concerns were valid ones.  Even I can see that, even if I don’t agree with him.  But Steve I don’t think does.  But well, in Steve’s eyes I think Sam was being a bully.”

 

“I think, just this once, I’m on Steve’s side.  Which is why Nat had a talk with him earlier.  She tried to get Sam to see reason.  Not sure it worked.  Now, I want to talk to you about what you have planned for after the party, because I know you’ve got something.  Pepper’s been on the phone making other arrangements I know are for you.  All I’m going to say is don’t feel like you have to do something you’re not ready for.  He expects nothing when it comes to that.  He **_does_** mean it when he says he just wants you with him holding him.  It’s enough for him.”

 

“I know all that.  But I want to, you have an out right now, before I complete this sentence.”

 

“Go ahead.”

 

I want to give him that.  He’s been patient enough.”

 

“Yeah well, trust me he’s willing to wait to what did he call it?  Fondue.”  Tony says barking out a laugh.  Bucky would glare except that Steve calling it fondue has always made him laugh.

 

“Where the hell did that come from anyway?”

 

“His ma I think.  I don’t really remember.  But I’m not sure he would either.  I’m gonna head back up.  Don’t stay down here all night.”

 

“Yes grandpa.”

 

“Keep it up Tony and I’ll start kissing the top of your head.”  Bucky says swerving so the towel Tony throws misses him.

 

He goes back to the apartment to find Steve not in the chair or on the couch.  He’s not in the bedroom either.  Bucky finds him sitting on the balcony on one of the chaises sketching.  He kisses the top of his head and Steve leans up for a real kiss.  Bucky goes around and sits down by Steve’s feet.

 

“You all right?” Bucky asks as Steve launches himself at him.

 

“Hey.  I’m right here.  I’ve got you.  Stevie, I’m right here.”  Steve just curls into his lap.

 

“Shit.  Steve, what’s wrong?”

 

“I couldn’t find you.  I couldn’t save you and then I couldn’t find you.”

 

“Steve.  JARVIS?”  Bucky says completely at a loss of what to say.  He realizes this is how Steve must feel and hates it even more.

 

“Yes, Bucky?”

 

“Can you pipe his mix out here, please?”

 

“Of course.  I tried to tell him you’d gone down to the lab."

 

“I’m right here.  I’ve got you.”  Bucky flips through the sketchbook and doesn’t like what he sees.  The one of him falling makes him shiver.  The rest disturb him more than they should.  Steve settles more and runs his fingers over the metal hand.  Bucky shivers again, this time for a completely different reason.

 

“Buck?”  Steve asks, looking up at him.

 

“Jemma realized you favored the arm sometimes.  She made it so I can feel things when you do them.  I’m still getting used to it all.  But I like it.   So keep doing it.”

 

“Okay.  Sorry about…”  Bucky kisses him as Steve continues to run his fingers up the arm.

 

“I should have stayed here or left a note or something.  I’m sorry.”

 

“Tonight was just bad.  I tried to sketch it out.  Didn’t help.  It used to.  If you could see some of the sketchbooks from after I first woke up.  Well, it’s probably better if you don’t.”

 

“Steve.”  Bucky says, his voice is thick with emotion and Steve suddenly feels the need to kiss him so he does.

 

“Come on let’s move this inside, I’m cold.”

 

“I’d like to point out that it’s still about eighty out.”  Bucky says.

 

“I know.”

 

“You know Captain, if you wanted to get me into your bed you could have just said so.”

 

“Sergeant, take me to bed.”  He says kissing him.

 

Bucky does.  He gets him into the bedroom and kisses him.  Once they’re settled and curled around each other Bucky kisses him again. Steve just curls up on Bucky again and falls back to sleep, his head resting over Bucky’s heart.  Bucky cards his fingers through his hair and tells him he loves him before going back to sleep himself.

 


	27. Chapter Twenty Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there are things that happen in this chapter that I haven't written in a while. So if that part sucks I apologize in advance. Also, the one drive has been a bitch all week which is why it's taken me so long to get this to you. I am sorry about that too. I hope you all enjoy. Thank you all so much for the comments and kudos. They mean a lot.

Steve wakes to Bucky kissing his shoulder and a tray of food by the bed.  He kisses Steve on the lips next then settles the food on Steve’s lap.  Steve arches a brow until he realizes what day it is.  He shakes his head but is beaming so bright Bucky’s sure he could give the sun a run for it’s money.  Bucky kisses him then gets up to get Steve’s coffee.  He comes back and hands it to Steve before swiping a piece of bacon from the plate.  Steve rests his head on Bucky’s shoulder.

 

“Happy Birthday, punk.”  Bucky says kissing him.

 

“Thank you.  So what’s the plan for today?  After breakfast of course.”

 

“Not much.  Coney Island if you wanted.  Cause I am not taking you to a Yankees game.  And Clint says the Mets aren’t doing that well this year so they’re out too.  And I refuse to support the LA Dodgers those guys stole the name.”

 

“Just the two of us?”  Steve asks, and to Bucky he sounds a little too excited at the prospect.

 

“If that’s what you wanted.  Pepper said if you wanted everyone to come they’ve all been told to be on standby.”

 

“No, just us.  I told you I don’t want a big party.”

 

“I know which is why tonight is just going to be us at the block party in Brooklyn then sitting on the fire escape or the roof watching the fireworks.  I mean I invited everyone for cake and ice cream before fireworks but that’s it.”  Steve smiles and kisses him.  He runs his hand up the metal arm and Bucky shivers.

 

“Sorry.”  Bucky just pecks his lips shaking his head.

 

“Didn’t hurt.  Just going to take a bit to get used to is all.  Now as I was saying.  You’re not just getting a one day party oh no, we have reservations at Bamonte’s on Saturday.  I would have done it tonight, but the block party’s tonight and we used to love going to those.  You used to say it was the best way to spend your birthday.”

 

“Bucky.”  Steve says moving the tray out of the way.  He pounces him and knocks him almost off the bed.  Then he’s kissing him senseless.

 

Steve kisses down Bucky’s chest and over his shoulder.  He kisses down the metal arm and up the flesh one before kissing him on the lips again swallowing the moan Bucky makes.  He ruts against Bucky and moans himself reveling in how hard Bucky is.  Bucky moans again when Steve cups him through his boxers.

 

“You all right?” Steve asks, still stroking him.

 

“I’d be.. Oh okay that’s wow, do that again.”  Steve smiles and mimics his movements, he’s not sure what he did to begin with but the way Bucky’s reacting is what matters.  Bucky comes with a moan.

 

Bucky flips them so he’s on top of Steve and kisses down his body.  Before Steve can even ask Bucky to wrap his hand around him he’s got Steve in his mouth.  Steve tries not to move.  Bucky strokes his hip and Steve bucks up into his mouth more moaning as he does so.  He pulls on Bucky’s hair in an attempt to warn him he’s close.  Bucky just redoubles his efforts and soon Steve’s coming down his throat.

 

Bucky gets out of bed and goes into the bathroom.  Steve just lays there he’s sure he’s got the dumbest look on his face right now but doesn’t care.  Bucky comes back into the bedroom and pulls Steve gently out of bed.  Then he puts him into the tub.  Steve smiles then pouts when Bucky doesn’t join him.  Bucky just chuckles and kisses him.

 

“You just relax all right.  I’ll be back in a bit.”

 

“You could join me.”

 

“I could but I’ve got things to do.”

 

“Buck.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Love you.”  Bucky goes back over and kisses him.  Steve tries to pull him into the tub and Bucky ends the kiss.

 

“I’ll be back.”

 

Steve lays back in the tub and doesn’t realize he’s fallen asleep until he hears Bucky calling his name.  He opens his eyes slowly and sees Bucky holding out a robe for him.  Bucky kisses him then gets him into the robe and back into the bedroom.  Steve laughs at what he sees.  There’s a bunch of balloons and two teddy bears sitting on the bed.  One is dressed like Captain America the other he can’t place.

 

“What on earth are those?”

 

“Apparently, after the war there was this teddy bear company that made Captain America and Bucky bears.  Ashley found out about them while doing her report.  She gave me the website that sells them.  Pepper got them here for me in time for today.  Look I know it’s silly but….”  Steve kisses him.

 

“I know about the bears.  They have one at the Smithsonian.  I always thought he looked lonely.  Now I know why, he was missing his Bucky bear friend.”

 

“You are so ridiculous sometimes.”

 

“You love me.”

 

“Damn right.  Now go pack.  I’ve got to run upstairs firm up things with Pepper for tonight.”  Bucky says kissing him.

 

“I thought we were just… Bucky you promised just us.”  Bucky doesn’t like the way he sounds.

 

“Hey, it is just us.  I’m going to cancel everyone coming over for cake, unless you didn’t mind that part.  They’ll be gone before the block party gets underway.  But if you really just want it to be us I can do that too.”

 

“No.  That’d be rude.”

 

“You’re allowed to be a jerk today.  It’s your birthday.”

 

“I just want to go home.”  Steve says going over and into Bucky’s arms.

 

“We are.  Steve we can cancel everything just stay at the apartment all day. And I mean the one in Brooklyn.”  Bucky says, his voice full of worry.

 

“No you made plans.”

 

“It’s just Coney Island.  We can do that anytime.”  Bucky says brushing the hair out of Steve’s eyes.  He doesn’t like what he sees.

 

“Buck, I think I’m still falling apart.”  Steve says clinging to him.

 

“I know.  I didn’t think you did though.  I really just thought you and I and a weekend in Brooklyn for your birthday would help.  I can cancel the whole thing.”

 

“You are not canceling those reservations.  And it will help.  You’re taking me home.”

 

“I am.  I love you.”  Bucky says kissing him.

 

“Love you too.  Go on, go talk to Pepper I’ll pack and meet you upstairs in a bit.”  Bucky kisses him again and turns to leave.  He gets to the door and watches as Steve starts packing.  He chuckles when he sees the bears go into the handles of the bag.

 

He gets upstairs and Pepper’s on the phone.  He goes over and pours himself a cup of coffee then grabs a section of Tony’s paper.  Sam nods to him, but says nothing.  Nat comes over and ruffles his hair.  Jane gives him a kiss on the cheek as she passes.  Bruce and Tony just watch the scene in amusement.  Clint comes in and grabs Bucky’s coffee and downs it all.

 

“Not Nat’s was it?”  He asks sleepily.

 

“Nope.”  Bucky says grabbing himself another cup.

 

“Sorry man.”

 

“Don’t worry about it.”  Bucky says as Pepper gets off the phone.

 

“Morning.”

 

“Morning.  Can I snag you for a bit?”

 

“Sure.  Come on outside.  How did he like the bears?”

 

“He loved them.  Said the one in the Smithsonian was lonely without its Bucky.  I told him he was being ridiculous.”

 

“That’s putting it mildly.  Who knew Captain America was a sap.”  Tony says as they pass him.

 

“Don’t Stark.  He’s not in the mood today.  Leave him be.”  Bucky warns.  Tony gets up and follows the two of them outside and shuts the doors.

 

“Spill Barnes, what’s going on?”  Tony says.

 

“He’s falling apart.  I want to cancel the party tonight.  He’s not… he just wants it to be us.  The block party’s still a go.  But he can walk away from that and it won’t be rude.  But if you guys are all around he can’t just go hide.”

 

“Sure he can.  I do it all the time at my parties.  I know I know, ‘not now Tony.’  I’ll just go toss the liquor in the car for you.”  Tony says heading back inside.

 

“Thanks.”

 

“Do you want me to cancel what you have planned for Monday?”

 

“When do you need to know by?”

 

“Sooner rather than later would be best, but everyone knows things could be cancelled at any moment.  Oh and the Vice President wants a meeting on Tuesday.  He’s flying up from Washington.”

 

“He sure that’s a good idea?”

 

“He says it is.  He’s read enough of the files to know you had no control.  This isn’t a debrief.  This is a he’s always admired you and wants to meet you.  It’s like Phil I think just a smaller scale.  And before you ask I think he and the President both suspect you and Steve are a couple.  I don’t think it’s going to bother him.  Have you told Sam what you’re planning?”

 

“No.  And I’m not going to.  He said he didn’t think I’d be ready by this weekend to do this.  We were shooting for March around my birthday.  But Steve needs this.  He needs to not have to hide who he is.  He needs to be able to walk down the street and hold my hand or kiss me just because he wants to.”

 

“Bucky, what I’m about to say I’m not saying to upset you; but you can’t do this for Steve.  You have to do this for you.  It’s a huge step.”

 

“I want to do this.  I can handle whatever they throw at me.  You’ve already got assurances from the President and Vice President they’re not going to lock me in a cage.  That still holds right?  As long as the Avengers say I’ve turned myself over to them we’re good?”

 

“We are.  Which is why Tony’s going to be there Monday.  He’s going to make the official Avengers statement.”

 

“Okay then.  What about Steve and me?”

 

“Oh there will be those in the press who won’t like it.  But I’ve already started strategizing our response to that.”

 

“Thanks, one more thing then I’ll let you get back to work.  Is everything set at the apartment for tonight?”

 

“Your suit is waiting for you in the closet.  Your uniform is too.  As for the other things they’re in the nightstand on your side of the bed.  You do know he doesn’t expect anything right?”

 

“I know.  But like I told Tony and Sam I want to.  I **_want_** to give him this.  I’m ready.  And I know if I’m not he’s going to understand.”

 

“All right.  You boys go have fun.  I’ll let everyone know we’re going to do something Sunday when you get back.  You are coming back here right?”

 

“We are.  We’ll be back Sunday by dinner.  That enough time?”

 

“Should be.”

 

“Buck, you out here?”  Steve asks coming outside.

 

“Right here.”  Bucky says kissing him.

 

“Happy Birthday, Steve.”  Pepper says going and giving him a hug.

 

“Thanks.  Tony says you guys aren’t coming tonight?”

 

“No, we’re going to do something Sunday instead.  You two go and have fun.”

 

“We will.”  Steve says giving her a quick hug.

 

They head out after everyone wishes Steve a happy birthday.  They get on the subway and stand in the back.  A little girl tells Steve she likes his teddy bears.  Bucky can tell he’s tempted to give them to her, but to his surprise doesn’t.  He does however give her mother the website.  When they get out of the subway Steve immediately takes Bucky’s hand and leads him up the stairs.  He rests his head on Bucky’s shoulder as they walk to the apartment.  Bucky sneaks a kiss to the top of his head every now and then.

 

They get to the apartment and Bucky makes Steve close his eyes.  Steve opens them and laughs at what he sees.  There are streamers and balloons all over the kitchen.  He kisses Bucky softly and Bucky deepens the kiss.  He pulls away and hands Steve the envelope off the kitchen table.

 

“Take it somewhere and read it.”

 

“Now?”

 

“Yeah.  Wait, I’ll just go in the other room.”  Bucky says kissing him.  Steve expects it to be a birthday card so he’s surprised to find it’s actually a letter.  It’s fairly long so he decides to go sit on the couch.

_Steve,_

_I know things haven’t been easy since I came back.  But I just want you to know it means more to me than I can say that you’ve stood by me.  I know you could have said I wasn’t worth the trouble but you never have, not once.  You’ve just loved me through all of it.  But then I shouldn’t really be surprised.  You’ve always been stubborn.  I wanted you to know, I love you._

_Which is why Monday morning there’s going to be a press conference at the tower.  I’m coming back.  Pepper already got the ball rolling.  The government knows I’m still alive.  The President and Vice President are willing to not lock me up if I stay with the Avengers.  Or ya know you.  They’re going to want a debrief at some point but they’ve seen the files, so they know what we do._

_There’s one more thing.  And I should probably ask you rather than tell you.  But I want us to be public.  No more hiding.  I know you’ve always hated it.  I know it makes you unhappy.  So no more hiding.  As of Monday you and I can walk down the street hand in hand.  We can stop on a street corner and kiss.  We can hold hands in Starbucks if you want._

_I love you, Steven Grant Rogers with everything I am.  I always will.  You and I got our second chance and I intend on spending it making you always happy.  That’s my new mission to make you always happy.  Course that really was my first mission, though back then it was to keep you safe too.  Which I’m gonna do still, even though I know I don’t have to.  To me you’re always gonna be the skinny kid from Brooklyn I’d follow to the ends of the earth and back._

_I promised you a long time ago I’d be with you till the end of the line.  I meant it then, I mean it now.  I am going to be with you always.  I will always come back to you.  Love you, punk._

_Bucky_

 

Steve folds up the letter and puts it back in the envelope then goes to find Bucky in the bedroom lounging on the bed.  The bears are on the shelf in the room and Steve has to smile at the fact they’re holding each other.  He goes to the bed and kisses Bucky like the night of the expo.  Bucky pulls him on top of him and moans once Steve’s fully on top of him.  He bucks his hips and Steve lets him set the pace.  He pulls away for a second to ask Bucky if he’s all right and Bucky just shifts so he can kiss at Steve’s neck.  Bucky suddenly shifts Steve so he’s sitting in his lap and bringing him so he rests over him.

 

“Buck.”  Steve moans. 

 

Bucky reaches for Steve’s belt and manages to get his pants down.  Steve gets up for two seconds and yanks them off.  Bucky’s follow soon after.  Steve goes to lay back on top of Bucky but he shifts Steve so he’s in his lap again.  Steve keens and kisses him hard.  Steve feels Bucky’s hands stroking his hips and shivers.

 

“Buck.” Steve moans again.

 

“Move Stevie.”  Steve stills for a second and stares at him.  Bucky just grins up at him.  His hair is in his eyes and Steve is suddenly filled with want.  It takes him a second but then he realizes what’s happened.

 

“Like the morning after the expo?”  He asks, hopeful.

 

“Yeah, just like that.”  Steve stops.  He leans down and kisses him softly.

 

“You.. we… I can…”  Bucky kisses him just as softly then reaches into the nightstand, taking out the condoms and lube. 

 

“Make love to me Steve.”  Steve kisses him hard.

 

“We’ll go slowly.  You need me to stop just say so.”  Bucky nods then kisses him again.

 

“Did you want to wait till tonight?  We….” Bucky kisses him along his jaw before answering.

 

“I was thinking now and later.”  Steve moans kisses him again.

 

Before Bucky can even think about doing so Steve has the lube open and is squeezing it into his palm then taking Bucky in his hand.  Bucky moans low and surges to kiss Steve.  As he does Steve fumbles with the condom, clearly nervous.  Bucky takes the lube from Steve and coats his fingers.  Steve moans as Bucky slowly opens him.

 

“Oh God, Buck…”  Steve says quietly.  He leans down and kisses him.

 

“More?”  Bucky asks kissing him.  Steve just nods his head vigorously causing Bucky to chuckle.

 

Bucky does as he asks and soon Steve is settling over him slowly lowering himself onto Bucky.  Bucky lets Steve set the pace like he did all those years ago.  He kisses any inch of Steve’s skin he can get under his mouth.  Steve starts out slow.  He shifts himself and moans loudly.  Bucky tries to get him to do it again and smiles widely when he’s successful.

 

“Buck… need… more… I…”

 

“I’m close Steve.  Let go, Stevie.  Let go.”  Bucky knows his voice sounds far away.  Knows Steve can tell too.  But then Steve’s moving faster and Bucky’s coming inside him while Steve comes all over his stomach.

 

Steve collapses slightly against Bucky and kisses him.  He shifts and moans as Bucky hits his prostate again.  He slowly gets off Bucky and then takes care of cleaning them up.  He climbs back into bed and kisses Bucky’s shoulder.  Bucky wraps Steve in his arms and kisses his temple while brushing his hair out of his eyes.

 

“You okay?”  Steve asks as they trade lazy kisses.

 

“Amazing.”

 

“What… look I don’t want to ruin….”

 

“I remembered saying it as I was saying it.  I’d have been more freaked out but I remembered you so it was okay.  Didn’t mean to worry you.”

 

“You didn’t.  Can we just stay right here?  Go to Coney Island tomorrow before we go to dinner?”

 

“If that’s what you want.  It’s your day.”  Steve nods then drops a kiss on Bucky’s chest.  Soon he’s asleep.

 

Bucky just watches him sleep.  He drops kisses on the top of his head every now and then and runs his fingers through his hair.  He tries to sleep himself but it doesn’t come.  Steve wakes up a while later and leans up for a kiss.  Then he gets out of bed and heads for the shower.  He turns back to Bucky at the sight of the bathtub.

 

“It was not that big before.”

 

“Tony made some improvements I think.  I had the same thought when I saw it the other day.  I think the kitchen might be even a little smaller than it was.  He had them shift things around in here.  But not enough that it’s still not our place, ya know.”

 

“I do.  Can we go shopping?  For furniture?”

 

“Monday.  After the press conference.  Pepper’s setting it up.  She’s got some place called Ikea closing early so we can go in.  I mean we can go today if you wanted.  But I wanted us to be able to be able to hold hands and…”  Steve kisses him.

 

“I love you.”  Steve says climbing back into bed, his need to shower suddenly forgotten.

 

“Love you too.  You sure you don’t want to go to Coney Island today?  We’ve got the time.”

 

“No.  I mean I want to stay in bed with you all day.  But I just realized why you want to go so badly.  I just realized what you’re doing.”

 

“I’m not doing anything.”  Bucky says suddenly defensive.

 

“I didn’t mean it in a bad way.  I just realized why you pushed for me letting you do this so hard.  You remembered the last one didn’t you?”

 

“Yeah.  We spent the whole day at Coney Island.  Had hot dogs and cotton candy.  Rode the cyclone.  You got sick.  We came back here and then watched the fireworks.  I just… you needed to feel like things were like they used to be.  They don’t get it.  They think having me back is enough for you.  And it would have been, but then we started going over the files and it was one thing after another and your world started to crumble.  And before when you felt like that, you always clung to me.  To our routines.  Well, our summer routine was always Coney Island for your birthday.”

 

“Buck.”  Steve says kissing him.

 

“I love you, punk.”

 

“Love you too.  All right come on let’s go.  We’ll go to Coney Island.  I will **_not_** get sick this time.  And then tonight we’ll go to the block party.  We should bring Abbigail down too.  She used to love to hang out at those.  And you and I can fuss over her like we used to.”  Bucky just shakes his head and laughs as he lets Steve pull him out of bed.

 


	28. Chapter Twenty Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoy. Sorry it took so long. There be sexytimes again. But nothing graphic.

They go shower together and Steve is sure they’ve used up all the hot water in the building never mind their apartment.  Not that he’s going to complain.  He gets out of the shower and leans against Bucky for a second just enjoying being close to him.  He can feel the coil of anger he’s had since the bridge starting to uncurl itself inside him.  Bucky must feel it too because he leans down and kisses his shoulder.

 

“I’m right here.”  Bucky whispers into his skin, punctuating each word with a kiss.

 

Steve turns and kisses him.  Bucky presses Steve back just a bit and then attacks the exposed skin with his mouth.  Steve slides down slightly and Bucky pulls back.  Steve chuckles and pulls him into another kiss.  Bucky picks him up and Steve wraps his legs around Bucky’s waist never breaking the kiss.  He carries him back to bed and soon Steve is wrecked.  He doesn’t know which end is up and doesn’t much care. Bucky is everywhere all he can focus on Bucky’s mouth being everywhere.  He doesn’t even care that’s all that’s happening.   Bucky isn’t fairing much better Steve realizes.  When they come together this time they each curl around the other.

 

“I don’t think we’re going to be leaving this spot.”  Steve says happily.

 

“This was your plan all along.”  Bucky says running his fingers through Steve’s hair.  Steve notes it’s the metal hand and sighs happily.

 

“What?”  Bucky asks at the sound.

 

“Feels nice.”  Steve says arching into the touch. 

 

Bucky kisses his temple and runs his fingers down Steve’s cheek and over his neck then down his chest.  Steve just moans and smiles when Bucky hits a ticklish spot.  He gets to Steve’s hand and squeezes before going back up and playing with his hair again.  Steve melts into him.  Bucky kisses down the trail his fingers just made and Steve lets out a noise somewhere between a moan and a cry. He goes down Steve’s body and skips over certain places which has Steve bucking his hips.

 

“Bucky.”  Steve begs.  Bucky just chuckles lightly into his hip.

 

“You’re not being fair.”  Steve says, pouting even though Bucky can’t see it.

 

Bucky chuckles again into his skin and it causes Steve to shiver.  Steve’s fairly sure Bucky’s going to kill him with the amount of teasing he’s doing.  He’s about to say so when Bucky’s hand goes around him.  It’s not enough and Steve is just turning into a begging puddle of goo.  When he finally comes he feels like he’s floating in water he’s so relaxed.  The coil is uncurling even further, and he wonders if this was Bucky’s plan for the weekend.  He thinks of asking him, but he’s so comfy that he thinks he’d much rather just snuggle into Bucky and sleep.  So that’s what he does.  He curls into Bucky’s side and shuts his eyes.

 

When he wakes he’s alone but he can hear Bucky puttering around the kitchen.  He goes to get up and his legs still feel like jelly so he just stays where he is.  Bucky comes back in a second later with a cup of coffee for him.  He puts it on the nightstand and after Bucky lays down curls back into his side.  He rests his head on Bucky’s chest and lets the sound of Bucky’s heartbeat lull him back to sleep.  His coffee long forgotten.  Bucky just holds him and lets him sleep.

 

Steve wakes again to Bucky shifting to get out of bed.  Bucky seems to be on full alert and it causes Steve to be as well.  He realizes there’s someone in the apartment and goes for his shield.  His shield which he realizes is back in Manhattan.  Bucky puts a finger to his lips and moves towards the door.  Steve notes Bucky’s got his jeans on and for some reason wonders when that happened.

 

“Oh.  Oh dear.  I am so sorry.  I didn’t realize you boys were here.  I was just going to leave this for Steve.  It is his birthday after all.”  Steve hears Abbigail telling Bucky.

 

“Abbi, it’s fine.  You all right?  I didn’t scare you did I?”

 

“Oh no, I’m fine.  You boys go back to your day.  I’ll see you tonight for fireworks?”

 

“Of course.  We’ll bring you down outside with us all right?”

 

“Sure.  Bucky, I’m sorry.  I just had the key still.  Here, take it back.”

 

“No. No, it’s fine.  You hold on to it.”  Steve comes out and gives her a small smile.

 

“Abbi, is that what I think it is?”  Steve asks smiling widely.

 

“It is.  It’s momma’s recipe.  I would have made you the apple one you love, but I wasn’t happy with any of the apples.  So that’s going to have to wait a few months.  But I remember you loving her chocolate cream pie so I made you one of those instead.  I really am sorry.  I thought you boys were going to go to Coney Island then come home.”

 

“That was the original plan.  Mr. Birthday boy over here changed things and I couldn’t say no.”  Bucky says winking at her. She just laughs.

 

“It’s so good to have you both home.  All right I’m going to get out of here.  Let you two get back to your day.  I’ll see you tonight.”  Steve races to grab the door for her and it causes her to shake her head and laugh.

 

“Nice to know you’re still the same.  Happy Birthday, you.”  She says giving him a hug.

 

Steve waits to make sure she gets back inside and then shuts the door.  He goes over and kisses Bucky then heads for the kitchen fully intending to grab plates and forks so they can dig into the pie.  He opens the cabinet then shuts it. The look he gives Bucky, which is a mix between horror and sadness makes Bucky throw his head back and laugh.  Bucky pecks him on the lips then is out the door.  He comes back a few minutes later with two plates, forks and a knife for the pie.

 

“Now are we gonna fight over the first piece or am I going to be nice and let you have it because it’s your birthday?”  Bucky asks, a mischievously look in his eyes.

 

“Oh no jerk, question you should be asking is if I’m going to share.”  Bucky stops and looks at him then barks out a laugh at the look on Steve’s face.  He leans over and kisses him.

 

Steve smiles into the kiss and then deepens it before pulling away to let Bucky cut into the pie.  It’s as good as Steve remembers.  Bucky chuckles at the sound he makes.  He finishes his pie and goes to cut himself another slice and Bucky just shakes his head.  Bucky goes and puts his dish in the sink.  Then he goes back over and wraps his arms around Steve kissing the back of his neck.

 

“So now that you’ve had sex and pie what would you like to do with the rest of the day.”

 

“Coney Island.  Then fireworks.  Then….”  Steve blushes and tries to duck his head.  Bucky just turns him to face him.

 

“More sex?”  Steve just nods and hides his face in Bucky’s chest.

 

“You know this you being bashful is awfully adorable.”  Bucky says tilting his chin up and kissing him before resting their foreheads together.

 

“I’m not being bashful.  I’m feeling awful because I feel like I’m….”

 

“I have wanted you since I remembered everything about the night of the expo.  I don’t feel pushed.  I don’t feel like it’s what you **_expect_** me to do.  I **_want_** to make love to you.  I have wanted to.  This is as much about me giving you what you want as it is about me saying fuck you to HYDRA.  I promise you if I wasn’t ready I would have said.”  Bucky says kissing him again.

 

“Now go shower.  I’m going to check in with Pepper.  There’s one more thing I planned for today.”

 

“Buck.”

 

“It’s your birthday you gonna tell me you can’t figure it out.”  Steve shakes his head but goes and does what Bucky asks.

 

He comes out of the shower and Bucky isn’t anywhere in the apartment.  He’s about to pout when he sees the note on the counter.  It makes Steve grin like an idiot.  He’d thought that was going to come tomorrow after dinner.  He races into the bedroom and smiles widely when he sees Bucky’s uniform.  He grabs his phone and calls Pepper.

 

“Why, hello there Captain Rogers.  You wouldn’t happen to be calling about a certain article of clothing would you?”  She asks, teasing.

 

“I am.  It’s in the Smithsonian though.  And I don’t want to ‘borrow’ something else.”

 

“Actually, it’s here at the Tower.  Bucky’s on his way to pick it up.  I had them send it up.  All they asked was you not get into any fights on helicarriers that might cause this one damage.  I assured them this time that wouldn’t be a problem.  I also pointed out that technically it was your uniform to begin with so really they had no room to make demands on it.  Are you having a good day so far?  Bucky wouldn’t say.”

 

“I am.  It’s… Last few years I just… well you know you were there.”

 

“I know.  I take it this one isn’t a chore.”

 

“Not at all.  Thanks for helping him pull this off.”

 

“I did very little.  Got to run, he’s here.  You just go relax.”

 

Bucky gets back and Steve rushes to him when he gets in the door and jumps on him then kisses him.  Bucky barely has time to throw Steve’s uniform on the couch.  Steve pulls away and rests their foreheads together.

 

“I love you.”

 

“Figured it out huh?”

 

“I did.  On the roof I take it?”

 

“Not telling.  Now come on, the Cyclone’s calling our names.”

 

They get out to Coney Island and the first place Bucky takes Steve is the Cyclone.  They’re stuck sitting on either side of two girls who look like they’d rather be anywhere than where they are.  Their friends in the car in front of them laugh until they realize who Steve is.  One of them whispers a quiet ‘shit’ under their breath.  The one next to Steve just gapes.  When they start she hides herself in Steve saying over and over ‘we’re going to die.’  Bucky just tells her it’s never happened.  The one next to Bucky asks how he knows right before the drop.  When the ride ends they both clamor over Bucky and Steve breathing heavily.  Bucky’s sure they’re going to kiss the ground.  He holds the chuckle though until they walk away.

 

“Where to now?”  Bucky asks sneaking a kiss.

 

“Buck.  We promised Pepper.”  Steve admonishes, but he’s smiling so widely Bucky can tell it’s just for show.

 

“I say we head to Nathan’s.  I don’t know about you but I’m starving.”

 

“Sounds perfect.” 

 

“Want to join the contest?”  Bucky asks as he notices the sign.

 

“No.  I’m good.  You can go ahead though.”

 

“No fun if you’re not gonna.  Come on.”

 

Any hope Steve had of not being recognized and called on it is dashed when they ask him if he’d be willing to judge the contest this year.  He declines and still manages to get free hotdogs for himself and Bucky.  Steve realizes some of the people there have figured out who Bucky is.  Yet none of them seem to care.  They take their hotdogs and head over to the games.  Bucky wins a few stuffed animals for the kids who can’t.  Steve just smiles.  They go on a few of the other rides before heading for the Wonder Wheel. 

 

They get to the top and Steve just snuggles into Bucky’s side.  _This is enough for right now._   He thinks to himself, Bucky has other ideas though and tilts his chin up before pecking him on the lips.  It’s short and quick but it’s a kiss and Steve has to duck his head into Bucky’s shoulder.

 

They decide to go on the merry-go-round just for the heck of it and run into the girls from the Cyclone.  The girls wonder why on earth Captain America would want to go on the merry-go-round of all things.  Steve explains that when he was younger it was his favorite ride.  One of the girls asks Bucky if he’s trying to give Steve an old fashioned birthday.  He says he is.  He also asks them not to mention he’s with Steve, that they’ve figured it out.  They promise not to.

 

They ride the Cyclone a few more times.  They get cotton candy and fried dough, which Bucky says was better before.  They stop by Nathan’s again on the way home so the winner of the contest can get a photo op with Captain America.  That gets them free hotdogs again.  Then they head back to the apartment.  Bucky calls Pepper to warn her that things might be out earlier than Monday.  She doesn’t seem worried.

 

“We still have a couple hours before the block party.” Bucky says coming up behind Steve and kissing along his neck.

 

“Take me to bed, Sergeant.” Steve says.  Bucky just laughs into the kiss he gives him.

 

“You’ve been waiting seventy plus years to use it haven’t you?”  Bucky asks, yanking Steve’s shirt over his head and tossing it somewhere.

 

“Shut up and kiss me.”  Steve says doing the same with Bucky’s shirt.

 

Bucky does while working on Steve’s pants.  He gets them off and while Steve is still fumbling with his.  He offers Steve a little help, which gets him a nip at his bottom lip.  It causes him to make a sound he knows drives Steve crazy.  They don’t make it any further than the living room.  Not that either one of them is complaining.  Bucky lets Steve take the lead this time.  Steve kisses down is chest and takes Bucky into his hand.  Bucky stops him.

 

“Not enough.  Please Steve.”  Bucky begs. 

 

Steve slides down further and takes him into his mouth.  Bucky goes still and Steve goes to pull off and just use his hand but Bucky runs his fingers through Steve’s hair and he continues.  Bucky comes with a moan of his name.  He flips them quickly and takes Steve into his mouth. Steve doesn’t last long.  They curl into each other and Bucky tries to remember to thank Pepper for adding a throw to the back of the couch.

 

“Buck.”

 

“Hmmm.”  Bucky says almost asleep.

 

“Love you.  Get some sleep.”

 

“Love you too.”  Steve cards his fingers through Bucky’s hair and kisses the top of his head.

 

He tries to sleep and can’t. He shifts Bucky and gets up grabbing a pair of their pants off the floor to put on.  Turns out to be Bucky’s but he doesn’t care.  They fit all right.  He couldn’t wear them out in public but around the apartment he could get away with it.  He takes his uniform off the back of the couch and hangs it up.  Then he takes all of their clothes into the bedroom and piles them up in the corner.  He’s about to go take a shower when he hears Bucky whistle at him.

 

“Do you have any idea how turned on I am right now?”  Bucky asks.

 

“As turned on as I am.  God, Buck, are you trying to kill me?”  Steve says turning around to find him naked.

 

“Maybe.”  Bucky says winking at him.

 

“Jerk.”  Steve says coming over and kissing him.  Bucky wraps his arms around Steve’s neck. 

 

“We’ve still got a little time before we need to grab Abbigail.”

 

“And we both need to shower.”

 

“We could take one together.”

 

“Because that worked out so well for us the last time.”  Steve says sarcastically as he can.  But it doesn’t really work given how hard he’s grinning.  Bucky kisses then drags him to the bathroom.

 

To Steve’s utter disappointment nothing happens.  All Bucky does is wash his hair.  Steve feels the coil unfurling a little more.  He kisses Bucky as they get ready really softly, and Bucky stops mid fixing his hair to hold him close.  Steve whispers a thank you into Bucky’s lips before kissing him again.

 

“Stevie, you all right?”  Bucky asks as they pull away.

 

“Yeah.  I think this time I really am.”

 

“You finish getting dressed I’ll go grab Abbigail.  Love you, punk.”  Bucky says kissing him.

 

Steve does so and comes down to find Bucky and Abbigail settled at one of the tables watching the action.  There’s a game of street ball going on.  There’s a game of kick ball going on in one of the empty lots.  A couple of the boys are playing a game of basketball.  Off to the side is a little girl watching the whole thing.  Steve goes over and says hello to her.  Bucky smiles as he watches her eyes go big.  When the boys realize Steve’s over talking to her they all come over. 

 

“So boys, my new friend Melissa here would like to play in the stick ball game you’ve got going on but she says you won’t let her.  Care to tell me why?”

 

“Uh, Cap, she’s a girl.”  One of the boys says.  All the others nod their heads.  One of the older boys, who’d been playing basketball laughs.

 

“You boys aren’t gonna use the ‘girls have cooties’ argument are you? Come on, Melissa you can play basketball with us.  We’ll change it to horse.”

 

“No thank you Tyrone, I want to play stick ball.  They’re just afraid I’ll beat them.”

 

“That’s cause you will.  Wait, you and Captain America here against them.  How’s that sound boys?”

 

“No fair, Tyrone.”  One of the younger boys says.  Bucky just watches the whole thing and tries not to laugh.

 

“Then put her on one of your teams.  Let Cap, pitch.  Either way she’s playing.  Unless you want to get Abbigail involved.”  Bucky looks over to Abbigail who’s trying to look mean.  It probably is working on the kids, but Bucky has to duck his head to hide the laugh.

 

That shuts the boys up.  In the end Steve pitches and Melissa hits it so far Bucky has to go get the ball.  It’s no surprise to Steve her team wins.  Steve takes all the kids, even the ones playing kick ball and basketball over to a few of the tables and starts telling them stories of Ebetts field and the Dodgers.  One of them asks if he was mad when he woke up and found out that they’d moved to Los Angeles.  He says he was.  One of the boys asks him about Jackie Robinson.  Steve says he wishes he’d gotten to see him play.  Melissa asks about Coney Island so Steve shares stories from when he and Bucky used to go.  The kids all wonder why they weren’t there every day during the summer.  Steve’s about to remind them that he was sick a lot when Tyrone does it for him.

 

Bucky comes over and hands Steve a coke then sits down next to him.  Melissa goes and sits in his lap and Bucky freezes up for a spilt second, Tyrone tries to defuse the situation by reminding her she can’t just go sit in someone’s lap, but Bucky tells him it’s all right.  She asks him how he knows Captain America, then she asks him if he’s an Avenger like Iron Man, who is her favorite because his suit is red and red is her favorite color.  Bucky just smiles at her not sure what to say.  Then she notices the shield on Bucky’s arm peeking out under his t-shirt.  Bucky looks to Steve for help.

 

“Come here, Melissa.  Come sit in my lap okay.”  Steve says.  Melissa scrambles from Bucky’s lap to Steve’s.  Tyrone just shakes his head and tries to apologize again.

 

“She’s fine.  He’s an old friend.  And well, he decided to show his support by having the shield painted on his arm.  Pretty cool huh?”

 

“Yeah.”  Melissa says before hopping down and asking Tyrone when the fireworks are gonna start and if their mom’s gonna make it in time.

 

The kids don’t let Steve stray too far.  Bucky goes and grabs him food once it starts coming out.  He checks on Abbi as well.  She makes him sit with her for a bit.  He wonders if she can sense how overwhelmed he’s feeling.  It turns out she can.  She offers to let him take her upstairs so he can have a minute, but he refuses.

 

“It’s not a bad overwhelmed this time.  If that makes any kind of sense.  Which it probably doesn’t.”

 

“No, it does.  Steve’s said you went through hell.  So it makes perfect sense to me.  But then I’ve known you for a very long time.”  She says giving his metal hand a squeeze.

 

“Abbi.”

 

“What?  So, you’ve got a metal hand, big deal.  You’re still Bucky Barnes.  Just a little older and a lot wiser.  You’d be that way anyway if you’d been allowed a normal life.  Bucky, you listen to me.  And listen carefully because I’m only going to say this once.  You’re still the man he fell in love with all those years ago.  You’re still the man who would follow him to the ends of the earth and back.  You’re still the man who’s always going to have his back because he’s too stupid to stand down. You’re still you.  They might have tried to make you forget it, but well, give yourself enough time and you’ll be back to flirting up a storm with him.  And don’t even try to tell me you never did.”

 

“Abbi.”  Bucky says again, his voice full of emotion.

 

“Gram, quit upsetting the man.  The fireworks are starting soon.  You sure you don’t mind if I go hang out with the girls?  You’ll get upstairs all right?”

 

“Bucky and Steve will see me home.  Go and have fun.” 

 

“She seems like a good kid.”

 

“She is.  Now, I don’t plan on watching the fireworks from down here.  I have everything out on the fire escape.  So go rescue him from the kids and let’s get upstairs.”  Bucky throws his head back and laughs then kisses her on the cheek before going to find Steve.

 

“Having fun?”  Bucky asks with a smile, when he finds Steve surrounded by the kids playing a game of jacks someone brought.

 

“I am.  You want a go?”  He asks handing the Bucky the ball.  He can see Steve resisting the urge to kiss him.

 

“Nah, too slow a game for me.  You want to stay down here while I run Abbi up.  She says the fireworks are about to start.”

 

“No.  I’ll come up with you.  All right gang I’m heading out.”  Steve says.  All of the kids beg him to stay.  He just shakes his head then waves.

 

They walk Abbi back up and Steve waits till she’s inside before heading in himself.  Bucky’s popping the top off of two beers.  Steve takes them and sets them on the counter, then he kisses Bucky.  He grabs one of the beers and hands it to Bucky then takes the other one.  Then he leads Bucky by the hand out onto the fire escape.  He sits down then pulls Bucky down so he’s sitting between his legs.  Next door Abbi just laughs softly.

 

Steve kisses Bucky’s neck and shoulder now and then.  Bucky turns slightly and kisses him then pulls his t-shirt off before settling back against Steve.  They watch the fireworks in relative silence, occasionally oooing or ahing about them.  At one point Steve leans into Bucky and hides his face in his neck.

 

“Steve, hey.”  Bucky says turning slightly.  Steve eyes are full of unshed tears and Bucky’s suddenly worried.

 

“Can we go inside?  I mean I know the fireworks aren’t done…”

 

“Anything you want.  Abbi, we’re going to say goodnight.  You need anything else?”

 

“No I should be fine.  You go on.  Jaime will be home soon. Go make sure his birthday ends on a good note.”

 

“Yes, ma’am.”  Bucky says giving her a little wave.

 

Bucky goes back inside to find Steve in bed clutching the ‘Bucky bear’ to him.  He climbs into bed and takes Steve into his arms.  Soon the bear is placed on the nightstand and Steve has turned so he’s hiding himself in Bucky’s chest.  He kisses the top of his head and runs his hand up and down his back.

 

“What can I do?”  Bucky asks soothingly.

 

“This.  I don’t know what’s going on with me.  I’m really happy.”  Bucky tilts his chin up so Steve can see him; then gives him a skeptical look.

 

“I am.  This is what I’ve wished for every year since I woke up.  It’s why I hated my birthday.  If you weren’t here to share it what was the point of celebrating it.  It’s stupid for me to be….”  Bucky kisses him.

 

“It’s not stupid.  I get it Steve.  You want to go dance on the roof?  Might help.”  Steve shakes his head and snuggles in more.

 

“You want to go to sleep?”  Bucky asks, thinking that’s what Steve needs but he shakes his head at that too.

 

“You want to fondue?”  Bucky asks teasingly.  Steve’s head bobs up and down quick and then Bucky just laughs.

 

“Buck.”  Steve says trying not to laugh himself.  It doesn’t work.  But it’s not as light as Bucky would like it to be and he suddenly realizes why.  He also realizes he has no idea how to bring it up.

 

“I want… But I don’t want to….”  Bucky kisses him.

 

“I remembered the night you rescued me you know.  I remembered how you let me take the lead.”  Steve says nothing just kisses him softly.

 

“I was okay this morning.  I think if we…” Bucky takes a deep breath.

 

“I’m pressuring you.  I promised you I wouldn’t do that.” Bucky shakes his head and kisses him.

 

“You’re not.  I bought everything.  I wanted to give this to you.  I still do.”  Bucky kisses him again.

 

“How much of that night after the camp do you remember?”  Steve asks brushing the hair from his eyes.

 

“All of it.  And I know….”  Steve surges forward and kisses him.

 

“You set the pace just like that night.  If you need to call it off we do.”  Bucky kisses him and Steve just melts into him.

 

“I love you.”  Bucky says.

 

They don’t rush.  They aren’t frantic like they were the night of the expo.  And while Steve let’s Bucky set the pace he too kisses when he needs to kiss.  All too soon they’re both hard and Bucky is begging for Steve to touch him.  Steve teasingly does anywhere but where Bucky needs to be touched.  But then he gets the lube and Bucky lets out a moan of anticipation.  Steve takes his time prepping him.  He doesn’t want to scare him.  Steve makes sure to stay hyper-aware of all the cues Bucky gives.  Bucky at one point stills and Steve worries it too much too soon.  He’s about to say so when Bucky kisses him.

 

“Need you.  Steve.  Please.”  Steve adds another finger and Bucky shakes his head.

 

“You.  Please.”  Steve shifts so he’s laying down and Bucky settles himself letting out a long drawn out moan.

 

Bucky stops and starts a few times.  He gets a faraway look for a second.  Steve kisses everywhere he can reach and brushes the hair from his face.  It brings him back and he leans down to kiss Steve slowly.  He picks up the pace a bit and Steve doesn’t think he’s ever looked more handsome.  His eyes are closed and his head’s thrown slightly back but the look of pure bliss on his face is what makes it perfect.  Steve tries to commit it to memory so he can draw it later.  Steve is getting close.  If he’s being honest, the second Bucky threw his head back he’d reached close.  But he wants Bucky to feel like he has the control tonight.  Steve smiles when Bucky’s breath starts coming in short little gasps and he rolls his hips a certain way.  He can tell he’s close.

 

“Steve… Stevie… touch me….”  He begs.  Steve’s all too happy to oblige.  They come together and then Bucky is collapsing on him for a second then next to him. 

 

He curls around Steve and starts drifting off to sleep.  It doesn’t surprise Steve when he kisses his shoulder and actually does.  Steve sneaks out of bed and hops into the shower quickly then comes back out and cleans Bucky up too.  He smiles at the way Bucky tries to move away in his sleep.  He tosses the cloth into the bathroom then climbs back into bed.  Bucky wakes up and curls around him again.  Steve realizes this is the most relaxed he’s been since Bucky came back.  He realizes it’s the most relaxed they’ve both been.

 

“Did you have a good day?”  Bucky asks kissing his shoulder.

 

“The best.  Love you.  Get some sleep, handsome.”  Bucky smiles at the endearment then surges up to kiss Steve senseless. 

 

“Love you too.”  Bucky’s asleep moments later.  With a soft kiss to his temple Steve is quick to follow.

 


	29. Chapter Twenty Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the most difficult chapter to write. If you all hate it I apologize. This chapter and the next are going to be filler while I map out the press conference. That being said, you may have a bit between updates, but I promise they will be coming.

Steve wakes during the night to Bucky rutting against him in his sleep.  He looks back to find Bucky not quite awake.  He’s about to wake him when he feels Bucky wrap his hand around him and kiss the back of his neck.  Steve just moans.  He tries to shift onto his back but Bucky’s holding him tight where he is.  Steve just moans when Bucky shifts a certain way. Bucky comes crying out Steve’s name.  He kisses down Steve’s body, finally letting him lay on his back.  Then he finishes Steve off in his mouth.  Steve is boneless and sated by the time Bucky gets back from getting a cloth to clean Steve.  He shoos Bucky away and pulls him back into bed at the same time.  Bucky just smiles before settling back in next to Steve.

“Should I bother apologizing?”  Bucky asks.

“Don’t you dare.  You can wake me up that way anytime as long as I get the chance to sometimes too.”

“We might have to work our way up to that.”  Bucky says softly, to Steve he sounds upset.

“We’ll get there.”  Steve says turning and kissing him.

“I know.  I told Sam the plan was my birthday.  Everything I ended up deciding I was going to do this weekend and Monday.  I just… I want my life back damnit.  I want us to be able to have what we should’ve had all along.”

“We will.  You know you don’t have to do the press conference.”

“I want to.  Besides, there are too many people in the last few days who’ve seen us together.  And tomorrow night, well I didn’t buy the place out.  I mean I got us a secluded table but that doesn’t mean there aren’t going to be people there.  Besides, you need to not have to hide.  That’s part of the reason you’re falling apart and I feel like as long as we do this together I can handle it.”

“End of the line.”  Steve says kissing him.

“I’m suddenly wide awake.”  Bucky says snuggling into Steve.

“Me too.  This calls for pie.”  Steve says throwing the sheet off. 

He doesn’t bother getting dressed.  He makes it as far as the doorway before realizing they don’t have plates or forks again.  They’re going to have to remedy that in the morning.  Even if they just get some paper ones.  He turns back to Bucky and pouts.

“Tony put dish liquid under the sink.”  Steve grins widely and heads out to do dishes.

“You gonna put on clothes?”  Bucky asks laughing.

“Why bother.  Here.” Steve says coming back in with the pie plate and their forks.  Bucky just throws his head back and laughs before pecking Steve on the lips.

“If you’re gonna laugh at me you can’t have any of my pie.”  Steve says pulling the plate to him.  Bucky just laughs again and leans over to kiss him fully once Steve’s taken a bite.

“Cheater.”  Steve says, but he’s laughing the whole time.

They finish off the pie and Bucky gets up and puts the pie plate in the bathroom sink.  He climbs back into bed and Steve pounces him kissing everywhere he can.  Bucky’s not sure what’s come over him but he finds he doesn’t care.  Steve’s got that smile on his face again, the one that lights up a whole room.  Steve kisses different spots on the metal arm and Bucky gasps each time. Steve smiles and does it a few more times.  Bucky reaches for him and pulls him up so he can kiss him.  They trade lazy kisses until Steve shifts and moans.

“Buck….” 

“Anything you want.”  Bucky says.  Steve stills and just watches him for a second.  Bucky brushes his hand along Steve’s cheek then pulls him in for a kiss.

“Anything you want.”  Bucky repeats, punctuating each word with a kiss to make his point.

“I’m... Buck…” Steve shifts again so he’s on top of him and waits for a second.  He’s worried he’s pushing too far.

“You gonna move, punk, or just lay there?”  Bucky asks bucking his hips.

Steve moans and kisses him.  It’s not enough, the rhythm they’ve got going this time isn’t enough.  He wants more.  Bucky stills though and Steve looks at him.  What he sees makes him smile.  Bucky’s watching him with this look of what Steve can only think to describe as pure want.  He leans down and kisses him.

“I don’t know about you, but this isn’t really doing it.”  Bucky says before kissing Steve.  Steve just shakes his head and grabs the lube and a condom out of the drawer.

“Here, let me.”  Bucky says going to take them from him. 

Steve just watches and moans loudly when Bucky starts to prep him as well as himself at the same time.  He’s ready before Bucky has the condom on and makes a strangled noise of frustration that Bucky just chuckles at.  He eases himself down on Bucky and waits just a second before starting to move.  He fully expects Bucky to need him to go slow, but then Bucky’s shifting to meet him thrust for thrust.  Bucky reaches for him and Steve leans down and kisses him.  He nips at Bucky’s bottom lip a couple times.  Steve tries to wait for Bucky and can’t he comes with a cry of his name.  Bucky isn’t far behind though and kisses Steve through it.  They clean up then settle back in bed.

Steve sighs happily once he’s wrapped around Bucky again.  Bucky smiles against his temple and kisses him.  Steve makes lazy patterns on Bucky’s chest and kisses him there every few seconds.  He leans up for a kiss at one point and Bucky pulls him up his body just a little more.  They trade kisses and Steve feels the coil of anger finally let go fully.  He pulls away and hides his face in Bucky’s shoulder.

“You okay?”  Bucky asks concerned.

“Yeah... I just... I don’t know how to explain it to you.”  Steve says kissing his shoulder.

“You figure it out let me know.”  Bucky says kissing the top of his head.  Steve just nods slightly.  Then he decides to try, knowing Bucky will get it somehow.

“I’ve felt like… I had… never mind.”  Steve says ducking his head again.

“A ball of anger.  Like you used to when you were pissed at the universe because you were sick all the time and you couldn’t do all the things you wanted?”  Bucky asks.  Steve surges up and kisses him.

Bucky kisses him back and rolls him so he’s on his back then he settles so Steve’s holding him.  Steve laughs softly into Bucky’s hair and then drops a kiss to the top of his head.  Bucky leans up for a kiss.  He thinks there’s nothing better in the world then being like this with Steve.  He makes a noise of contentment and Steve lifts his chin to look at him.  Bucky hates the concern he sees and kisses it away before speaking.

“I’m just happy.  I’m gonna be a sap for a second.  But I just decided that this is the best place in the world to be.  Right here.  This bed with you.  Kissing you.  Can we do it forever?”  Bucky asks.  Steve laughs happily, nods his approval and kisses him.

“So you want to be a hermit?  Just stay right here?”  Steve asks.

“You can sell your drawings on the internet for money.  I’ll do the shopping.  Course you’d have to give up being Captain America.”

“Already told you, for you I would.  Sounds like the perfect plan.”  Steve says kissing him.  He decides to not tell Bucky he wishes this wasn’t just some fantasy they’re both having.

“Loud thinking again there, Cap.  Care to share?”

“I’m just trying to figure out how to make it a reality.”  Steve says quietly.

“Steve.”  Bucky says kissing him.

“Killing the mood I know.  Sorry.”

“No.  I just wish I knew how to fix it all, for both of us.”

“This is a good start.”  Steve says kissing him again.  He fights a yawn.

“Get some sleep.”  Bucky says dropping a kiss on his shoulder.

“I’m awake.”  Steve says, but his eyes are barely open.  Bucky drops another kiss on his shoulder and makes lazy patterns on his chest.  Steve is out in seconds.

Bucky wakes the next morning alone.  He can’t hear anything in the apartment.  He throws on a pair of pants and heads into the living room.  Steve’s nowhere to be found.  His coffee is still warm on the counter.  Bucky tries not to panic.  The front door doesn’t show any signs of forced entry, but that doesn’t mean anything.   He notices the living room is slightly messier than he remembers it being.  Again he tries to stamp down the panic.  He goes to look for something to use as a weapon and all he can find is knife from the pie. He decides it’s going to have to do.  He’s about to grab shoes when the front door opens then closes.  He slides the knife into his pocket and sneaks into the living room.  Steve’s on his phone with Tony.  He doesn’t look hurt but Bucky can’t be sure.  He stays on alert.

“Tony, look I know it’s Saturday, but she’s ninety four and in this heat it’s not good for her not to have air conditioning.  Richard told her he’d get to it Monday.  So you’re damn right I’m going to pull strings and go over his head.  I looked at it, I can’t fix it.  Just get your ass over here would you.  Thank you.  Tony, I’ve got to go, no I think Buck … I think there’s something wrong.  I’ll talk to you later.”  As soon as Steve hangs up the phone Bucky’s crushing him against him.  Then the tears start.

“Buck, I’m okay.  I’m right here.  I’ve got you.  We’re safe.”  Steve says holding him and maneuvering him to the couch.  Bucky just buries himself in Steve’s embrace.

“I’ve got you.  Buck, I’m safe.  I’m okay.  Abbi’s air conditioning’s on the fritz she mentioned it when I went to grab coffee.  I was just next door.  Oh Buck.”  Steve says kissing the top of his head.

“Steve.”  Bucky says curling more around him.  Steve runs his fingers through Bucky’s hair.

“Can we go back to bed?”  Bucky asks, to Steve he sounds small. 

Steve says nothing just shifts so Bucky will get up then he takes him by the hand and leads him back to bed.  He curls himself around him and cards his fingers through his hair.  Bucky makes lazy patterns on his chest.  They stay like that for a bit and then Bucky speaks.

“Sorry.  I don’t know what happened.  I woke up and you weren’t here and… hang on…”  Bucky shifts and takes the knife out of his pocket and puts it on the nightstand.  Steve doesn’t say anything just arches a brow.

“The living room was messier than I remembered it being.  You weren’t here.  I panicked.” Bucky says.  Steve still thinks he sounds small.

“I should have left a note somehow, I’m sorry.”  Steve kisses the top of his head again.  Bucky angles up for a real kiss.

“I need to learn to not panic when we’re here.  What happened to the living room anyway?”

“I was in the middle of cleaning it up when I decided I needed coffee.”  That causes Bucky to smile.

“Oh.  I feel so stupid.  I should have….”  Steve tips his chin up and kisses him.

“It’s okay.  Come on let’s get dressed, we’ll go shopping.  We need plates    and things and I am not waiting till Monday for those things.”  Steve says pecking him on the lips.   

“Stevie?”  Bucky says quietly.

“Hmmm?”

“I love you.”  Bucky says kissing him softly.  Steve just beams at him and kisses him back.

They go shopping and both decide they hate the big box stores.  There are way too many people in them.  They get back to the apartment and Tyrone waves at them from down the street.  He helps them carry their things inside and offers to go for them next time, telling them to just give him a list and some money.  They thank him and Steve asks how Melissa is.  He says she’s gonna be upset she missed getting to see them.

Jaime stops by and thanks Steve for getting Abbi’s air fixed but that she thinks making Iron Man come do it was a bit over the top. Bucky just throws his head back and laughs.  Steve opts to pretend to not notice the blush that creeps up on Jaime’s cheeks when Bucky smiles at her.  Steve tells her Tony was more than happy to help.  She just uh huh’s then heads back next door. 

They get everything put away then plop themselves back on the couch.  Steve is beyond exhausted and Bucky looks like he could sleep for days.  Steve suggests a nap before they get ready to head for dinner.  Bucky says he thinks that’s the best idea Steve’s had in years.  They don’t even bother moving to the bedroom.  Steve just sets the alarm on his cell phone.  Soon they’re both wrapped around each other sound asleep.                                                                              


	30. Chapter Thirty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoy!

Steve wakes up to Bucky draping the throw over him.  He reaches for him and brings him in for a kiss.  Bucky squats down and brushes the hair out of his face before kissing him.  Steve just beams.  He pulls him back onto the couch and into his arms.  To his surprise, and delight Bucky just lets it happen.

“Hi.”  Steve says kissing his temple.

“Hi.”  Bucky shifts so they’re facing each other.

“You should go back to sleep.  We’ve still got a couple hours.”  Bucky says cupping his cheek then kissing him.

“Nope.  Not unless you’re going to stay here.  Which I know you’re not.”

“Can’t sleep.”

“Come on, let’s go to bed.”

“Steve I don’t need…” Steve just puts a finger to his lips.

“It’s not as cramped as the couch.  I just thought you’d be able to relax.  You’re really tense I could give you a massage.”

“I… Okay.”  Bucky gets up from the couch and pulls Steve up with him.

They go to the bedroom and Bucky lays down on his stomach.  Steve straddles him and kisses between his shoulder blades.  He just runs his hands over Bucky’s back and works out the knots in his muscles as he goes, dropping kisses every now and then.  Bucky arches into the touch and moans every now and then.  His breathing evens out and soon he’s back to sleep.  Steve stretches out and rests himself lightly over Bucky for a moment, hugging him from behind before getting up and covering him with the throw from the couch.

He goes and takes a shower then goes to get dressed when he hears Bucky cry out for him in his sleep.   He climbs back into bed, curls himself around Bucky and plays with the hair at the nape of Bucky’s neck until the other man settles back to sleep.  He cards his fingers through Bucky’s hair and hums something his mother used to hum to him when he was sick.  Bucky wakes up and kisses his chest. 

“You all right Buck?”

“Yeah.  Of course.”  Bucky leans up for a kiss.

“I thought I was the horrible liar here.”

“Okay, I’m not, but I will be.  How much time we got before we’ve got to leave?”

“It’s only three.  Unless you wanted to cancel and just stay here.”  Steve tries to hide his concern and fails.  Bucky kisses him again.

“I’m gonna be fine, Steve.  I just need a little more time to get out of my head.  Stay with me?”

“Of course.”  Steve mentally beats himself up for not having left a note this morning again.

“Not your fault, punk.”  Bucky says quietly.

“How’d you know what I was thinking?”

“You think too loud”

Bucky kisses him softly then deepens the kiss.  He runs his hands along Steve’s body and soon Steve’s begging for him to do something.  To touch him.   To do anything.  Bucky chuckles but does as he asks.  Steve decides turnabout is fair play and starts touching and kissing Bucky wherever he can get his hands on him.  They swallow each other’s moans in a kiss.  Steve melts into the bed and Bucky isn’t too far behind.  Bucky curls around Steve and kisses his temple.

“Okay what the… what was that?  Cause we need to remember that for later.”  Steve says breathless.

“We do.”  Bucky says kissing him again. 

“I don’t want to move.”  Steve says snuggling into Bucky’s side.

“Well we’re gonna have to soon if we want to make our reservation.  And considering all the strings I had to pull to get us a table we’re keeping it.”

“Do I even want to know?”  Steve asks running his fingers along the metal arm.

“No.  Don’t worry I didn’t do anything illegal.  And I didn’t offer them my first born.  Pepper had to call in a favor for us.  It’s the only thing she helped me with.  Well, that and the press conference but otherwise this weekend was all me.”

“I know.  I can’t believe you did all this for me.”  Steve says turning so he can kiss him properly.

“Why not?  I woulda done it for you before if I could have.  If we’d had the money back then.  I always wanted to give you the world.”  Bucky says and Steve has to duck his head and hide it in Bucky’s shoulder.

“Hey, oh Steve.”  Bucky says kissing the top of his head.

“Kiss me.”  Steve says lifting his head.  Bucky does and soon Steve is beaming at him again.

“Love you.”  Steve says.

“Love you too, punk.  Now come on.  Time for us to quit being bums.”

They get ready and it takes every ounce of self-control Steve has not to tackle Bucky to the bed and have his way with him.  He smiles knowing, from the look on Bucky’s face, he’s having the same thoughts.  Abbi is coming out of her apartment with Jaime as they’re leaving and demands a picture of the two of them.  She also insists Bucky remove the ‘ridiculous glove of his’.  Jaime tries to apologize for her and Bucky just waves her off.  Melissa, when she sees them, as they head down towards the subway, tells them they both look like Disney princes.   Bucky just shakes his head at the way Steve’s beaming.

They get to the restaurant and Bucky’s surprised to learn they’ve got the place to themselves.  The hostess explains that Miss Potts bought them the place for the night as a birthday present to Captain Rogers.  Steve just gapes.  She seats them at their table then goes on to say that they don’t have a menu because Pepper’s taken care of everything.  Steve just shakes his head.  The staff leave them alone for the night only appearing to remove plates and bring new ones.

They spend the night reminiscing about the old days.  Bucky asks him if he remembers the New Year’s he brought him cannoli from here for them to have.  Steve says he does.  He also tells Bucky he always wondered how he got it.  To Steve’s delight Bucky’s able to tell him.  Steve has to resist the urge to kiss him.  Their waiter brings them their desert which is the tiramisu because Pepper had told Bucky they had to try it; both have to admit it’s amazing. 

When they get back to the apartment Bucky makes Steve change into his uniform while he heads up to the roof to set it up.  Bucky comes back and crashes himself into Steve again kissing him hard.  Steve just moans into it and chuckles.  He tells Bucky to go change.  Bucky jokingly asks if that’s an order.  Steve just shakes his head.  With another kiss and a salute Bucky goes to do as Steve asks.

They get to the roof and Steve just laughs softly before turning and kissing Bucky.  Bucky takes him into his arms and kisses him senseless before going over to the turntable and putting the first record on.  Steve beams at him and then goes over and kisses him again.

“What was that for punk?”

“You could have had Tony show you how to use an iPod and just used that.  I mean it would make things easier.  But you….”  Bucky kisses him then.

“He offered.  I told him we weren’t using any of that new technology this weekend.  He shook his head and laughed at me.” 

“He would. So what have we got?  Wait… how?”

“Nat saved them for you somehow.  You know…”  Steve kisses him to quiet him.

“I know.  Wasn’t you.”  Steve says kissing him again.  Bucky pulls away and puts their foreheads together while clearing his throat.

“I’ll re..”  Steve kisses him again.

“Sh. Now let’s see what we’ve got.  Oh Billie Holiday and Ella.  Two of my favorites.  And Judy too.  I didn’t have that.  Wait, you did.  Something tells me Pepper had a hand in some of this.  And of course Sinatra.  Though I always preferred you crooning in my ear to him.”  Bucky kisses him.  Steve hands him a Billie Holiday record.

They dance to the record and trade kisses.  Neither one of them realize when the album is over.  They’re too lost in each other.  They finally part long enough to realize they need to flip the record and Steve goes and does so.  The second half is a repeat of the first.  This time Bucky chooses the record and picks Sinatra.  If Steve wants him to croon in his ear that’s exactly what he’s going to do.  He starts singing _I’ll Be Seeing You_ into Steve’s ear and Steve just melts into him even more. 

“Buck, take me downstairs.”  Steve says quietly.  Bucky freezes and Steve looks up at him.

“Buck?”

“You… we’d… shit.  Give me a second.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah.  It’s just a piece of one.  Sorry.”  Steve kisses him again.

“It’ll come to you.  You want to keep dancing?”

“Can we?  Might help.”

“Course we can.”  Steve says kissing him again.

“We were up here. We’d just started fooling around.  Nothing like the night of the expo, though I think we both wanted to.  Looks like we did from the looks we were giving each other.  We were dancing to that song.  I started singing to you like I did tonight and you asked me to take you downstairs.  I don’t think I’d ever cleared everything off the roof so fast.”

“Do you remember what happened after we got back inside?”  Steve asks gently.  He’s not trying to push.   He’s just genuinely curious.  Bucky shakes his head in the negative and tries not to let it get to him, Steve can tell.

“It’ll come back.”

“Yeah.  Come on let’s… Steve what are you….”  Steve dips him then kisses him.  When they part Bucky’s laughing.

“Much better.  Now we can go inside.”  Steve says taking his hand and leading him back to the apartment.

“Let me just grab the stuff.  I’ll be right back.”  Bucky says kissing him.  Instead of going downstairs Steve helps.

They get everything back into the apartment and Steve waits all of a second after the door closes before he’s taking Bucky’s uniform off.  Buck chuckles softly and starts on Steve’s.  Steve supposes it wouldn’t take quite as long if they could stop kissing; but then he thinks who would want to do that?  Bucky for his part is kissing every piece of exposed skin he can get his lips on.  He goes to reach for Steve’s belt and stills again.  Steve is about to ask him if anything’s wrong when he speaks.

“This.  Then we went to bed and spent the whole night just finding new ways to get each other off without actually going all the way.”  Steve surges forward and kisses him.

“Steve.”  Bucky pants out as Steve starts kissing down his body.  It isn’t until Steve’s on his knees in front of him that Bucky realizes what he’s going to do.

“This okay?”  Steve asks.  Bucky just stares down at him then nods very slowly.

“I… I… I’m not sure.”  He says but his voice is shaking so Steve gets up, kisses him softly then leads him over to the bed.

“You know, I think a night of us just being cuddlewhores is in order.”  That gets a small chuckle from Bucky, and Steve counts it as a good sign.

“Steve….”  Bucky says like he hates the idea, but he’s curling himself around and snuggling into Steve at the same time so Steve knows he doesn’t really mind it.

“I love you.”  Steve says kissing his temple.

“Love you too.  Sor…”  Steve arches so he can kiss Bucky on the mouth.

“Don’t you dare.  I told you we go at your pace.  I can take things as slow as you need.  This right here is more important to me.  You know that, right?”  Bucky nods and kisses him again.

They trade lazy kisses until Bucky starts to doze off.  Steve lets him just fall asleep while running his fingers through his hair.  He’s humming again and Bucky seems to snuggle in even more as he does. He looks down and sees Bucky smiling slightly in his sleep.    He drifts off himself an hour or so later, a small smile on his lips


	31. Chapter Thirty One

Bucky sleeps fitfully that night for some reason.  He wakes every hour on the hour and usually it’s with a shake.  Steve just holds him closer and soothes the best he can.  At three Bucky gets out of bed and goes onto the fire escape and sits.  He dangles his feet down below, resting his head against the railing.  The noises of the city calming him slightly.  He feels Steve more than he hears him but lets himself be pulled into Steve’s arms.  Steve kisses his neck and cards his fingers through Bucky’s hair.  He settles against Steve and sighs.

“What can I do?”  Steve asks.

“I’ll be all right.  Didn’t mean to wake you.”  Bucky says bringing Steve’s hand up to his lips.

“I pushed you to remember, I’m sorry.”  Bucky shakes his head no.

“You didn’t.  It was coming just slower than they usually do.  Bruce said that might happen.  That some of them I might not be able to get back right away.  Said it could take days, but he didn’t seem concerned.  So I’m not going to be either.”   Bucky says quietly.   Steve kisses his shoulder and Bucky arches into it.

“I… Up.  I need to pace.”  Bucky says suddenly.  Steve does so and Bucky goes back inside and straight for the living room.  He starts pacing like a caged animal and Steve tries not to worry.

“I love you, you know that right?”

“Of course I do.  Buck, what is it?  What’s wrong?”  Steve asks trying to not sound frantic.

“You know I want us to have it back.  To be able to be together, openly, right?”  Bucky goes on as if Steve hasn’t said anything.  Steve just nods.

“You know I want you to be happy?”

“Oh, Buck, of course I do.”  Steve says sitting on the arm of the couch, now realizing where this is probably heading.

“I just… I don’t… it’s not that I want us to keep hiding who we are, what we mean to each other, I just…”

“You’re terrified about the press conference.”  Steve finishes softly for him.  Bucky nods his head and then goes over to Steve and collapses into him.

“Then call Pepper in the morning and call it off.  We’ll stay here longer.  I don’t want you doing this to yourself.  I hate seeing you like this.”

“But it was supposed to be your birthday present.”  Bucky says.  Steve chuckles at him. 

“What’s so funny, punk?”

“You, jerk.  You sound like a little kid who’s all upset because there’s no pie left.”

“I’m serious Steve and your cracking jokes.  Thanks.”  Bucky says but there’s a smile in his voice.

“I know you’re being serious.  So am I.  If you’re this stressed out about it then we won’t do it.  I know the Vice President’s coming to see us on Tuesday.  It’s been on the news, and Abbi mentioned it.  So we go back to the tower for that.  Otherwise we stay here.  And we call off the thing.  I don’t need a sweeping declaration of your love for me if it’s going to freak you out so bad you can’t sleep.  You well-being is more important than that.  We’ll talk to the Vice President Tuesday see if we can’t come up with another way to do it.”

“Steve.”  Bucky says in that way that makes Steve beam at him.  Bucky kisses him then.

“I’m so glad I decided to stop that jackass  ... what was his name… oh screw it I don’t care.  Point is I am so glad I decided to stop that fight all those years ago.”  Steve throws his head back and laughs then kisses Bucky loudly.

“I love you, punk.”

“Love you too, jerk.  Now come back to bed.  We’ll get up at eight and call Pepper.  She can still call it off right?”

“She can.”

“Wait, what if we do a sit down with just one person?  I’m just thinking out loud, you don’t have to decide right now.”

“That would probably be better.  We can still have Tony there to answer the whole why haven’t I turned myself in question.  But I’d feel like I had more control.  You have anyone in mind?”

“Not yet, we’ll have to talk to Pepper.  Okay I do, a couple people, but they’re not really in the media.  So I don’t think they’d do it.  Well, one of them might, but it could be a bigger PR nightmare if we used him.  But you don’t have to do any of it.  I just want you with me and happy.”  Steve says as they climb back into bed.

Bucky settles so that he’s half on top of Steve and tries to get his head to shut up enough for him to sleep.  After an hour he gives up.  He looks up to find Steve just watching him.  They laugh at each other than start kissing.  Bucky shifts so he’s fully on top of Steve, who moans into a kiss.

“You all right there, punk?”  Bucky teases.

“I’d be better if we were naked and you were moving, but I’m good.”  Steve says playfully.

“Oh well, in that case, I’ll just go back to sleep.”  Bucky says shifting slightly so he can rest his head on Steve’s chest.

“Bucky.”  Steve whines.  Bucky just pretends to not hear him.  Steve growls in frustration and pulls lightly at his hair.   Bucky lifts his head and arches a brow at Steve.

“Kiss me.”  Steve demands, but it’s still light and playful and Bucky can see the concern he’s pushing things too far in his eyes.

“You always were bossy.  You could just ask a little nicer.  Not like I’m gonna say no, punk.”  Bucky says playfully between kisses.

“Love you.”  Steve says suddenly, his voice full of emotion that catches him by surprise.

“Love you too.”  Bucky says kissing him tenderly.  Steve just snuggles into Bucky more.

“Sorry, killing the playful mood.”  Steve says quietly.

“I don’t mind.  I like it when you snuggle into me.   Reminds me of when you were small and I could wrap myself around you and make you feel safe.”

“Buck.”

“Forget I said it.”

“Nope.  I still feel that way.  I feel like if anyone tried messing with me everyone else would have to get in line behind you to protect me.  I mean come on you went up against Nick Fury and he hadn’t really done anything.”

“Except lie to you about me.  Cause you to almost break.  But oh no he didn’t really do anything.”  Bucky says sarcastically. To Steve he even sounds a little angry.  Steve kisses his chest.

“Sorry.”  Bucky says hiding his face in Steve’s hair.

“Nothing to be sorry for.  I know he pissed you off.”

“That’s putting it mildly.  You weren’t really back to yourself till this weekend.”

“I just needed you all to myself.  And for us to be home.”  Steve says kissing him.

“It’s four you gonna go for a run?”  Bucky asks.

“Wasn’t planning on it.  Did you… oh… we could yeah.”  Steve says suddenly beaming at him.

“Unless that’s just a you and Sam thing.”

“It’s not.  I’d love to go running with you, come on.”  Steve says pecking him on the lips.

They head out and go around the neighborhood.  They keep the conversation light.  When the pass the Starbucks a few blocks over Bucky tells Steve they’ll have to stop by the one near the tower so he can get his free drink for his birthday.  Steve points out it’s past his birthday. Bucky won’t hear of it.  He says he’ll just turn on the charm if Ashley and Michele aren’t there.  Steve laughs and stops them in the park so he can kiss him.  When they get back they shower together then have breakfast in bed.  Steve beams the whole time. 

When they call Pepper she says she’ll pick out a few anchors and talk show hosts to do the sit down with.  She tells them they’ll do it at the tower so Bucky can be in an environment that’s familiar to him.  She also says she’ll set something up with Stewart and Colbert for the following night, if Bucky feels up to it.  She can always make Tony go instead if Bucky’s not.  Bucky laughs when she tells him Stewart’s been itching for a chance to get Tony on the show.  She also informs them the Vice President will be at the tower for lunch on Tuesday so if they could be back that morning she’d appreciate it.  She has a few things she’d like to go over with Bucky before he arrives.  Steve promises they’ll be there.  She shoos them both off the phone and tells them to have fun.  She asks Steve to stay on for just a second as he’s about to hang up.

“What’s up?”  He asks.

“Is he all right?  He sounded awfully tense.”

“He will be.  He panicked a bit last night.  But he’s okay.  Nothing I can’t fix.”

“You know, you both sound better.  I mean he sounds a bit tense but nothing like he has in the past.  And you, I don’t think I’ve ever heard you this relaxed.”

“I just needed him.  I don’t think I realized how much until this weekend.  Oh and thank you for the other night.  Dinner was wonderful.”

“Well, it was Tony’s idea.  Oh tell him I’ll move what we were going to do for you here to Tuesday night and not to worry.  Now shoo.  Go spend time with him.  As Tony would say go do old men things with him.”

“Yes ma’am.”  Steve says, hanging up before she can remind him to call her Pepper.

He goes into the bedroom to find Bucky curled around his pillow sound asleep.  He smiles and climbs into bed trying to not disturb him.  Bucky rolls over and wraps himself around Steve instead of the pillow sighing as he does so.  Steve runs his fingers through his hair and drops kisses on top of his head every now and then.  He tries to stay awake but then Bucky snuggles in more and he realizes he’s not going to be going anywhere any time soon, so he lets himself fall back to sleep.

They wake up at noon.  Bucky goes and makes them lunch, which they have in bed.  They end up eating from each other’s plates, which while utterly ridiculous, because they have the same thing, makes Steve smile.  They finish lunch and just curl around each other again.  Bucky sleeps on and off.  Steve sketches while he does so.  Tony calls at one point while Bucky’s asleep to see how things are. 

“We’re good.  Everything all right there?”

“World’s not coming to end, if that’s what you’re asking.  Pepper said he seemed tense.  Thought I’d check in, make sure it wasn’t the arm.”

“Pepper tell you what he wanted to do Monday?”

“She did.  She also said he freaked out and you called it off.  I’m not going to lie, I personally think you did the right thing.  I mean I get him wanting to do it. I just don’t think he’s ready.  He would have freaked out.  Hell, I hate doing them.  You hate doing them.  He would have flipped.”

“I know.  I convinced him one on one was a better option.  You sure you don’t mind sitting in with the Vice President and the interview?”

“Not at all.  All right, I apparently have to let you go now.”

“Pepper glaring at you?”  Steve asks with a laugh.

“Yes.  We’ll talk Tuesday.”  Steve makes his goodbyes and hangs up.

“Everything all right?”  Bucky asks quietly.

“Yeah.  He was checking in.  Wanted to see how you were.”  Bucky just looks at him and gives him an eye roll.  Steve throws his head back and laughs before kissing him.

“So what did you want to do with the rest of the day?  I thought we’d be heading back to Manhattan so I didn’t plan anything.”  Bucky says kissing Steve’s shoulder.

“I’m thinking a game of stick ball with some of the kids.  You’ll be bored though.”

“Are you kidding me?  That sounds perfect.  We can grab Abbi maybe and bring her down with us.”  Bucky says.  Steve gives him a look and he arches a brow.

“What?”

“It’s silly.”

“Tell me anyway.  I already know how ridiculous you can be.”

“You’re beaming.  It’s just… it makes me happy.”

“I think I needed this as much as you did, honestly.  It’s weird, but here I actually feel like I can be me again.  I mean yeah, we’ve had a few rough patches this weekend, but nothing like we had been.  I feel so much calmer here.  I don’t know why, just do.”  Steve kisses him then pulls Bucky in for a hug.

“Come on punk, let’s go see who’s around to play stick ball with.”  Bucky says pulling him out of bed.

“I should shower first.”  

“So you can get all sweaty and shower again later.”

“True but still.”

“Fine.  I’ll go see what Abbi’s up to.”

An hour later Steve’s got half the neighborhood kids broken up into two teams.  He’s on one. Bucky’s on the other because they insisted.  Abbi just laughs when Bucky tries to protest.  The game goes until everyone is called for dinner and it ends with a tie.  The kids all beg for another game later and Steve says he’ll have to see; but Bucky can tell they’re going to be having another game in a couple of hours.  They escort Abbi back upstairs and she insists they get showered then come over to her place for dinner. 

They head back out around seven and Steve insists they have to be done by the time it gets dark.  The kids all groan but agree.  There’s more of a crowd this time as all of the kids parents are sitting around and watching.  Bucky’s team wins and Steve’s claim it’s because he had Melissa on his.  She tells them they’re exactly right and sticks her tongue out at all of them causing Steve to laugh.  He smiles at the fact none of the other boys on his team find it funny.  He promises next time she can be on his team. 

They get back into the apartment and Steve barely has the door closed before Bucky got him pushed up against it kissing him anywhere he can get his lips on exposed skin.  Steve would ask what’s gotten into him but then he remembers this is how Bucky used to be when they’d fool around.  If Steve had been outside for a while Bucky wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off of him.  In the back of his mind he starts to wonder why they waited so long to admit how the felt about each other.  He moans when Bucky starts sucking the skin between his neck and shoulder.  He bucks his hips and starts panting slightly.  He wants to beg Bucky to just take him.  He chuckles softly.  Bucky stops and looks up at him before kissing him hard.  Bucky suddenly picks him up and Steve has to wrap himself around him to keep from falling. He moans at the fact Bucky hasn’t broken the kiss.  He shifts so he’s against Bucky and ruts.  It’s Bucky’s turn to chuckle.  Bucky manages to barely get them to the couch before he’s falling backward giving Steve a little bit of the friction he’s craving.

“Bucky, please.” Steve begs.  He doesn’t care how wrecked he sounds.

 Bucky works him out of his jeans and wraps his left hand around him.  Steve just lets out a moan that he’s sure Abbi’s probably heard.  At the moment he can’t bring himself to care.  Bucky jerks him slowly and then realizes.  He goes to switch hands and Steve grabs his wrist. 

“Please Buck, feels so good.  So good.”  He can feel it building and Bucky’s barely touching him.  Bucky just smiles and kisses him before moving his hand again just as slowly.

“Come on Steve, let go.  Come on.  I’ve got you.  Won’t let you fall.”  Bucky coaxes and encourages.

It only takes a few more strokes and Steve is collapsing against Bucky boneless and loose.  He feels like he could curl up where he is and sleep for days.  Bucky shifts again and picks him up easily.  He carries him to the bedroom and lays him down gingerly.  He covers him with the blanket, kisses the top of his head and then heads for the bathroom.  Steve hears the shower go on and then he hears Bucky let out a moan.  He smiles and snuggles into the mattress more, deciding that if Bucky wants to see how good it feels he can’t really blame him.  Bucky comes out a little later and climbs into bed and wraps himself around Steve.

“You mad?”  He asks once he’s settled.  To Steve he sounds nervous.  He sounds as if he just did something wrong. 

“Nope.  I should go shower though.”  He wants to curse at someone for making Bucky think he’s not allowed to give himself pleasure.  That it’s just about what they want from him.

“Stay, least till I fall asleep.”  Bucky says.  Steve goes to roll over to face him and Bucky stops him.

“Oh Buck.  What’s wrong?”

“Don’t know.  Just… can you stay here?  Stay with me.”

“Anything you want.”  Steve says kissing his left hand.

“Thank you.”  Steve takes a deep breath at that, not liking how Bucky sounds.  If he were at the tower he’d wait till Bucky fell asleep then go punch the bag.  Here though he just has to work through it another way.  Bucky’s asleep within minutes.

Steve doesn’t sleep.  He manages to shift onto his back and get Bucky into his arms.  He tries just breathing through the anger, which is turning into angry tears and can’t.  He can’t help feeling like they just took steps backward.  He can’t help feeling like being here didn’t help Bucky at all.  Bucky kisses Steve’s chest in his sleep and cuddles him even closer.  He reaches up and wipes the tears away.  Steve realizes then he’s not sleeping.  He looks down to see Bucky looking concerned up at him.

“Stevie, what’s the matter?”

“Come here.  Just lay on me.”  Steve says needing Bucky close.

Bucky does as he asks  and kisses him.  Then he curls himself over Steve like he used to when Steve would be cold and sick.  He kisses him again and wipes the tears away.

“Love you.”  Bucky says snuggling in more.

“Just tell me you’re gonna be okay.”   Steve says in response.  Bucky looks up and brushes his fingers through the hair on Steve’s forehead.

“I’ll be okay.  Just need you to hold me.”

“I can do that.  We can stay right here.”

“Good, it’s my favorite spot.”  Bucky says sleepily.  Steve chuckles softly and kisses the top of his head.

“I know.  Mine too.  I love you Buck.”

”Think we could spend the day in bed tomorrow?”

“Anything you want.  When I was cleaning the living room the other day I noticed Tony had set us up with a whole bunch of movies from before.  We could watch some if you wanted.  There’s a dvd player in here.”

“I’d like that.”  Bucky says smiling up at him.  It reaches his eyes but it’s not as big as Steve would like but he’ll take it.  He’s still trying to bring up with ‘thank you’.

Bucky falls back to sleep and Steve lies awake for the rest of the night.  He holds Bucky a little tighter than he probably should, but Bucky doesn’t make any attempts to get him to lessen his hold.  Bucky wakes at four and can of course immediately tell Steve’s not slept at all.  He kisses him then gets out of bed and goes and draws a bath.  Next thing Steve knows he’s leaning back into Bucky dozing off in the tub.  He doesn’t even wake when Bucky moves them back to the bed.  He wakes only slightly when Bucky kisses his temple.  But he’s out again in the blink of an eye.  When he does wake it’s to Bucky bringing him breakfast in bed two hours later.

“You didn’t have to make breakfast I could have just had toast.”

“Wanted to.  Look, you can say I didn’t, but I know I scared you last night.  I wasn’t totally in my head and you knew it.  So let me pamper you a bit all right.  I know I don’t have to.  I know I don’t have to thank you either.  I’m not sure what that was.  As for this morning, well I wanted to cook.  I need to relax more than the bath had done.”

“I wasn’t complaining.  You know I’m not going to complain if you want to cook.  But I have to admit the fact you don’t have to boil everything makes it even better.”  Steve says playfully.

“Shut up and eat your breakfast, punk.”  Bucky says pecking him on the lips.  Steve sticks his tongue out at him.  Bucky laughs and Steve beams.

“I’m going to go grab some of the movies.”  Bucky says heading into the living room.

Steve gets up and puts his plate in the sink then goes and wraps his arms around Bucky’s neck.  He’s squatting pulling out movies and the pile is huge.  Steve kisses the back of his neck and just holds him.  Bucky leans back into it and sighs happily.

“I don’t want to go back tomorrow.”  Bucky says quietly.

“I don’t either.  I was thinking, it’s not like we couldn’t take the train back here after we get done at the tower.  We don’t have to stay there.  We could even bring more stuff back here.  Make this place a bit more ours.”

“Yeah.  I want to do that.”  Bucky says leaning down and kissing Steve’s hand around his neck.

“What have you got?”  Steve asks.

Bucky shows him his choices and Steve just beams.  The one on the top is the last movie they went and saw together.  They’d sat in the back of the theater and snuck kisses for part of it.  Bucky had been so sure it would be fine, that they wouldn’t get caught, it was hard for Steve not to be too.  But he remembers being a little nervous still.  Bucky had of course been right.  No one had seen a thing. 

Steve kisses Bucky’s shoulder and Bucky turns and kisses him.  They end up with Bucky laying on top of Steve kissing him senseless.  Neither of them seem to care they’re in the middle of the living room, or on the hardwood floor.  Both of them are rutting against each other.  Steve goes for Bucky’s belt and he goes for Steve’s. Steve pulls away to moan when Bucky brushes against him a certain way. 

“Bedroom.”  He moans out.  Bucky shakes his head.

“Buck, please.”  Steve says shifting so that he can try to get away to stand up.

“Here.”  Bucky says.

“Everything is in the bedroom though.  Oh God do that again.” Bucky just chuckles and does as Steve asks.

“I can’t believe you just did that to me.  You do not play fair.”  Steve says flopping back down onto the floor.

“I’d say I’m sorry but I’m not.”  Bucky says kissing him before reaching for the throw.  He covers them up then settles onto Steve’s chest.

“You’re going to fall asleep aren’t you?”

“I just want to cuddle.”  Bucky says.

“Uh huh.”  Steve says, but he’s teasing.  He lets Bucky snuggle in sighing happily as he does so.

They lay like that for a while.  Steve’s not sure how much time passes.  He finds he doesn’t care.  He shifts every now and then when his back starts to hurt from the floor.  Bucky snakes him arm under him more and rubs the small of his back for him.

“Thanks.”  Steve says kissing the top of his head.

“Maybe you’re right, we should move to the bedroom.”  Bucky says getting up.  It’s then that Steve realizes he’s still hard.

“Buck, come here.”  Steve says reaching for him.

“Steve….”  Steve looks up from his position on the floor.

“What do you want?”  Steve asks stroking him slowly through his jeans.

“I… just….  I…”  Bucky says.  Steve smiles at how wrecked he sounds. 

Steve mouths over his jeans and Bucky lets out a moan that goes straight through Steve and makes him moan as well.  He gets Bucky’s jeans and boxers down.  He then takes him into his mouth watching him the whole time.  He lets Bucky guide him.  When Bucky finishes he pulls him up and kisses him.  Then drags him to the bedroom.  Once there they both settle under the covers and wrap around each other.  Steve fights to stay awake and fails, Bucky’s breath already evening out in sleep.

 


	32. Chapter Thirty Two

They don’t nap for long.  Bucky wakes first with a bit of a start.  He’s a bit disoriented.  The dream he was having is fading slowly and he realizes it was more a memory than a dream.  He tries to get it back and gets frustrated.  Steve’s not awake yet so he just watches him sleep; letting the rise and fall of Steve’s chest calm him like it used to.  He tries in vain to get the memory back.  He feels like it’s something he needs to remember, even if it’s not good.  It doesn’t feel like a good memory, just an important one.  That unsettles him more.  He runs his fingers through Steve’s hair and kisses the side of his mouth softly.  Steve scrunches up his nose and bats at his face in his sleep before settling in again.  Bucky just keeps carding his fingers through his hair and tries to calm down.

“Buck, what’s wrong?”  Steve asks sleepily.

“Lost something.  Go back to sleep.”  Bucky says, and it scares him a bit.  He can feel himself slipping away.  Steve must pick up on it because he rolls onto his side and shifts backward so Bucky’s holding him.

“You’re safe.  I’m here.  I love you.”  Steve says kissing his hand as he takes it to hold.

“Steve.  Help.”  Bucky says, he sounds further away in his own ears.  Steve rolls over immediately and kisses him.

“I’m here, Bucky, you’re safe.  I’m here.  No.  Bucky.. no.  Shit.”  Steve reaches behind himself and grabs his cell.

“How fast can you get to Brooklyn?”  He asks the person on the other end.

“Please.  And just… break the door down.  Tony’ll fix it later.  I’ll fix it.  Just get here.”

Ten minutes later the door is opening and Sam is coming through the apartment into the bedroom.  Bucky is staring blankly up at the ceiling and Steve is trying to get him back.  He’s also trying to keep his emotions in check, but knows he must be failing by the expression on Sam’s face.  Sam sits on the end of the bed and places his hand on Bucky’s foot.

“What happened?”

“We were napping.  And he woke up.  Woke me up.  Said he’d lost something.  Told me to go back to sleep.  But I could hear it in his voice.  I think he could too.  Then he asked me for help.  Then this.  It was that quick.  I didn’t mean to call you, I just….”

“No.  It’s all right man.  Not like I was doing anything.  Kinda boring at the tower without the two of you around.”

Bucky seizes slightly.  Then rolls into Steve.  He curls up on him and starts to sob.  Steve just holds him tight and tells him he’s there, that he’s safe and loved.  Sam gets up to leave the room and Bucky grabs his wrist with his left hand.

“Right.  Not going anywhere.”  Sam says with a chuckle.

“Steve.”  Bucky says quietly.

“Right here.  I’ve got you.”

“Sam?”  Bucky asks looking over.

“Yeah.  Your boy called me.  Gave him enough of a scare he decided he was talking to me again.”

“He can hold a bit of a grudge sometimes.  And he’s got a stubborn streak a mile long.”  Bucky says quietly.

“I do not.”  Both Bucky and Sam give Steve a look.  Bucky snuggles in more.

“I’ll be out in the living room.  Make that the kitchen.” Sam says when he sees the living room.

“Oh yeah, we kinda did leave stuff all over didn’t we?”  Steve calls.  Sam pokes his head out of the kitchen and nods.

“You called Sam?”

“I didn’t know what to do.  I couldn’t reach you.  I just.  Buck, I didn’t know what to do.”  Steve says getting more agitated.

“I’m not mad.  Stevie, I’m not mad.” Bucky says kissing him softly.

“I love you.  You’re safe here you know that, right?”

“I know.”  Bucky kisses him softly again then gets out of bed.  Steve does the same.  They throw on sweats and then go find Sam.

Sam is doing the dishes that were in the sink when Bucky gets into the kitchen.  Steve cleans up the living room quickly and then Bucky drags Sam out there.  Sam just chuckles.  They all sit down and Steve once again realizes they need to do something about furniture.

“How do you want to do this?”  Sam asks.

“I had a dream.  Only it wasn’t.  I was remembering something.  I don’t think it was good, just important.  But then I lost it.  I woke up and forgot it.  It triggered the episode.  But I could feel it coming this time.  I tried to… I tried to stay here.  I couldn’t.  But don’t ask me where I went in my head either because I don’t think I could tell you.  Not very helpful I know.”  Bucky says.  He doesn’t realize he’s taken Steve’s hand in his left until Steve shifts his arm slightly.  Bucky lessens his grip and then kisses Steve’s hand.

“No it is.  Knowing what triggered it is good.  You may just not be ready to handle that particular memory yet.  I’m not going to tell you not to worry about it because I know that would be pointless.  But don’t let it ruin the rest of your day.  You’ve only got a few hours left before all hell breaks loose.  Which by the way, you could have told me you were going to do.  I would’ve helped.”

“I was afraid you’d try to talk me out of it.” 

“Nah, look I get it.  Steve can you give us a minute?”  Sam asks.

“I’ll go shower.  That okay?”  Steve asks brushing Bucky’s hair behind his ear.

“Yeah go on, punk.  Love you.”

“Love you too.”  Steve says kissing his cheek.  Bucky waits till Steve is out of the room before turning his attention back to Sam.

“Go ahead let me have it.”  Bucky says.

“Why would I do that?  Let me ask you this, up until today have you been able to handle things?”

“Yeah.  I mean I had a few rough patches.  He has too, but we’ve gotten through it.  This time I couldn’t pull out of it though.  And I don’t even have any idea what the memory was.  I can’t tell you if it was good or bad; though I’m leaning more towards bad.  But it felt like I needed to remember it.  Don’t ask me why.  I haven’t got any idea.”  Bucky says getting frustrated all over again.

“It’ll come back if it’s that important.”  Sam says, trying to soothe him.

“I knew it couldn’t last.  I knew I was gonna ruin this for him.”

“Buck, no, you haven’t. It’s been wonderful.  Come here.”  Steve says coming out of the bedroom.

Bucky does and Steve just holds him and whispers into his ear.  He leans into Steve then kisses him.  Sam just watches the two of them for a minute before heading back into the kitchen, feeling like he’s intruding on a private moment.  Steve kisses Bucky softly and whispers in his ear again. 

“You mean it?”  Bucky asks quietly.  Steve hates how broken he sounds.

“Course I do. I always wanted to anyway.  Might as well make it official as soon as we can.”

“Steve.  I’m.. you deserve…”  Steve kisses him again.

“I deserve **_you_**.  Which is good because you’re all I want.”

“Not till I’m me again.  I don’t want to until I’m me again.”

“We can whenever you’re ready.  I just wanted you to know it’s what I want.  End of the line, jerk.”  Steve whispers to him before kissing him.

“Do you have any idea how much I love you.  I really don’t deserve you.”  Bucky says resting his forehead against Steve.

“Yes you do.  And if you love me half as much as I love you then yeah I know.  You want to tell Sam to go back to Manhattan.”

“You mind if I go for a run with him?”

“Go on.  I’ll start picking out furniture.  Won’t buy anything.”

“I love you.  And I’m sorry about earlier.”

“Sh.  Go on.  Go for a run with Sam.”  Steve says kissing him.

Bucky goes into the kitchen and grabs Sam.  Sam decides they should just go for a walk around the neighborhood.  They head out and a whole bunch of the kids ask where Steve is.  Bucky says he’s upstairs and soon they’re all racing up to get Steve to come out and hang out.  Bucky throws his head back and laughs.  Sam takes it as a good sign.

“He popped the question didn’t he?”  Sam asks.

“Not in so many words.  I told him no, only not in so many words.  I still don’t get why he sticks with me.  He could do so much better.  Hell Nat could probably find him someone.”

“You’re serious.  You really don’t get it.”  Sam says surprised.

“Yeah I’m serious.”

“Okay this is me getting myself in trouble again.  Only this time it’s going to be with him.  I’m not kidding you when I say you’re his world.  After the bridge, Rumlow had put us all in the van.  You’d gone off who knows where.  He was destroyed.  I mean I’ve seen a lot in my time.  But that was a whole new level of devastation.  You know until I saw the two of you together what he said then didn’t make sense. He told Nat and I that even when he had nothing he had you.  To him Bucky there is no one better than you.  You’re it.  You’re the one he’s going to compare everyone else to.  Hell he does it with his friends even.  He thinks we don’t notice but we do.  We know we’re never really going to measure up.  All of us but Tony have accepted it.”

“No, Tony has too. I think he’s figured out that I’m Steve’s Pepper.  And I’d be offended by that except watching the two of them I can see it.”  Bucky stops by a tree in the park and plops himself down.  He and Sam sit in companionable silence for a bit then he speaks again.

“He really said that?”  Bucky asks.  Sam thinks he sounds as if he doesn’t believe him.

“He did.  He’s not going anywhere.  You’re stuck with him.”

“Yeah.”  Bucky says, and to Sam he still sounds surprised.  It worries Sam a bit.  Mostly because he knows Steve’s not going to know how to handle it.

“He’s really not staying with me cause he feels obligated to.”  Bucky says quietly to himself.  Sam’s sure he wasn’t supposed to hear it.

“You two don’t talk do you?”  Sam says throwing his hands up.

“Sam, look at it from my end would you?  I am beyond screwed up in the head.  I have done unspeakable things.  I put him through hell.  I tried to kill him three times if you count the episode when I choked him with this.  So forgive me if I don’t get why he’d want to stay.”  Bucky says indicating his left hand.

“Got news for you, he not only wants to stay, he wants to marry your sorry ass.”  Sam says teasing him.  Bucky just glares.

“Your Stark needs work.  Come on we should head back.  He’s gonna worry.”

They head back to find Steve holding court out at the picnic tables with all the kids in the neighborhood.  He’s telling them some story about before he got the serum.  One of the boys tells Steve he doesn’t understand why Bucky would bother saving him when all he did was just get into fight after fight.  Steve tells him he doesn’t either.  Sam can see it on Bucky’s face, the wanting to go over and tell them it’s because he’s always been in love with that scrawny kid from Brooklyn.  But he doesn’t.  Instead he goes over and sits down at Steve’s feet and starts telling his side of the story.  He makes it sound like he only stepped in that time to keep peace in the neighborhood.  None of the boys believe him.  One goes so far to say if that was the reason then what was the reason for all the other times.  Melissa says it’s because Bucky’s in love with Steve.  She stares Bucky down daring him to deny it.  He just looks to Steve for help.  Steve, who is no help, because he has the same look on his face Melissa does.

“Wouldn’t call it love.  Admiration, maybe.  I mean you gotta admire someone who won’t give up even if they’re ninety pounds soaking wet and they’re taking on guys three times their weight.”  Bucky says skirting the real issue.

“I was at least a hundred pounds wet, Buck.  At least.”  Steve says, playfully pushing Bucky’s arm off his knee.

“Point is you shouldn’t ‘ave been gettin’ into fights with guys three times your size Stevie.”

“They were more like twice.”  Steve says trying to put up a good fight.

“The guy at the movie theater the night of the expo.  He was at least three times your size.”

“Yeah well.  He was a bully.  No one likes bullies ya know.”

“Don’t mean you gotta go and pick a fight with the guy.”

Sam watches the exchange and chuckles.  All of the kids are eating it up with a spoon, mesmerized by the story.  Bucky tries to get the kids to let them go back upstairs but they won’t hear of it.    Sam hears an old woman scream from above him to let the two of them go home and the kids scatter. 

“Abbi, it was fine.”  Steve calls up to her.

“Yeah well I apparently made enough to feed a small army for lunch so you two get up here.  And bring your friend who better be taking that contraption he left on the roof with him when he goes.”

“Come on, Sam, we’re being summoned.”  Bucky says with a chuckle.  Sam can see he wouldn’t have it any other way though.

They go up and have a nice lunch with Abbi.  She tells Sam stories from when they were young.  How she’d always had a bit of a crush on both Steve and Bucky, but because she didn’t want to come between them she never said.  She goes on to explain that once she figured out the truth she decided to help them keep their secret any way she could.  Bucky and Steve both lean over and kiss each cheek.  Sam shakes his head when she blushes.

Sam heads back to Manhattan after lunch rather reluctantly.  Bucky has to kick him out really.  Bucky promises to check in throughout the day with at least someone at the tower.  Steve walks him up to the roof.

“Look, Bucky’s right I do hold a grudge.”

“I know.  And I overstepped the other day.  So I’m sorry.  We good.”

“Yeah, of course.”  Steve says with a smile.

“Hey do me a favor, ask him what we talked about.”  Sam says as he puts the Falcon wings on, then takes off with a wave.

“You two patch things up?”  Buck asks once Steve is back in the apartment.

“Yes.  Now c’mere.”   

“Hmmm?”  Bucky asks moving into Steve’s arms.  He wraps his arms around Steve’s neck.

“Sam said to ask you what you guys talked about.”  Bucky stiffens then turns away from Steve, cursing Sam in his head.

“Buck, what is it?  What did I say?”

“That even when you had nothing you had me.”  Bucky says quietly, starting to pace.

“It’s true.  Why deny it?  Does that upset you?”  Steve asks, sitting on the arm of the couch.

“No.  Surprised me.  I mean you’ve been telling me you love me and that you weren’t going anywhere, and most of the time I think ‘yeah right’ I’m going to do something and that’ll be it.  You’ll decide I’m not worth the trouble.  But then Sam told me you’d told them that after the bridge and I realized it’s what you’d been telling me all along.  I mean I wasn’t even me and you….”  Bucky goes to Steve and leans into him.  Steve takes him into his arms and kisses his temple.

“Oh Buck.  What do you need?”  Steve asks rubbing his back.

“Just you.”  Bucky says arching into the touch.

“Well you’ve got me."  Steve says kissing him.

“I love you.”  Bucky says resting their foreheads together.

“Love you too.”  Steve says taking his hand and leading him into the bedroom.

“What are you up to, Rogers?”

“You wanted to spend the day in bed.  I say we spend the rest of it there.”

“Sounds perfect.”  Bucky says pecking his lips.

They spend the rest of the day watching movies and napping.  Steve notices almost as soon as they’re wrapped back around each other Bucky relaxes  Steve realizes Bucky’s right there is no place better than being in bed with each other.  He also realizes he always felt that way.  When he tells Bucky that, he just agrees, and wonders why they wasted so much time before.

“You remember when you asked me if we were ever apart.”

“Yeah.  I swear, all I saw was us together.  I remember wondering why you were on all those dates with me.  Then I remembered.  I also remembered wanting you for a long time.  When I was remembering it I couldn’t figure out why I’d never told you.  You know I still don’t get it.  You felt the same.  I knew you did even with half of it back.  Were we really that afraid we wouldn’t be able to hide it?”

“I guess yeah.  I didn’t think you felt the same way.  I mean I knew you cared.  But I figured you just loved me like a brother.  I didn’t think it was that you were **_in_** love with me.  We were so stupid.”  Steve says with a chuckle.

“That we were.”  Bucky says fighting a yawn.

“You need another nap, old man?”  Steve asks teasing him.

“Well if someone didn’t make such a comfy pillow I wouldn’t.”

“Oh so it’s my fault.”

“You got something you want to do instead?”  Bucky asks.  Steve thinks it sounds like a challenge.  Steve shifts himself where he’s laying against Bucky. 

“Oh Captain I do so love the way you think.”  Bucky says, but before he can even try to get anywhere Steve is flipping Bucky onto his back.

Steve takes his time kissing every inch of skin he exposes.  He worships Bucky.  He doesn’t tease but he gets Bucky to the point of begging.  Bucky collapses after and then curls up on Steve.  He kisses him and then is out like a light.  Steve thinks he hears him thank him again.  He just kisses the top of his head then settles to sleep himself.


	33. Chapter Thirty Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All right back to the action gang. (Meaning I've giving the story more of a plot than oh look Steve and Bucky are making out like teenagers) Hope you all enjoy. It's a real honest to God cliff hanger this time. Sorry.

Steve wakes to Bucky kissing down his chest.  He runs his fingers through Bucky’s hair tugging slightly to get him to come up for a kiss, which he does.  Then he settles next to Steve.   He brushes Steve’s hair out of his eyes and kisses him again.

“We gotta quit sleeping our days away like old people.”  Bucky jokes.

“Buck, we are old people.”  Steve says.                   

“What happened to us not needing sleep?”

“I think we both make excellent pillows, and I…”

“You what?”

“It’s not like it was with me for you.  I just wonder if your body’s trying to catch up on sleep.”  Steve says quietly.  Bucky wraps himself more around him and kisses his temple.

“Hey, I’m okay.  I mean for the most part I am.  Not your fault.  Couldn’t very well do something about it when you were frozen yourself.  And they didn’t tell you.  I meant it when I said I know you would have looked for me.  I know you wouldn’t have stopped until you brought me home.”

“I wouldn’t have.”  Steve says snuggling into him more.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.  You?”

“Perfect.  So dinner.”

“I don’t care.  I don’t want to move yet.  It’s only three.  We’ve still got time to think about it.”

“Love you, punk.”

“Love you too, jerk.”  Steve says taking his left hand and kissing it. 

Bucky shivers a bit.  Steve runs his fingers up and down it and Bucky smiles and kisses his temple.  Steve leans back into him a bit and angles his neck for a real kiss.  It’s uncomfortable but he doesn’t care.  He’s still running his hand up and down his arm when Steve realizes Bucky’s getting hard.  Bucky seems to notice too, he ducks his head into Steve’s shoulder. 

“I don’t think Jemma meant for it to do that.”  Bucky mumbles into Steve’s skin.

“I’m not complaining.”  Steve says taking his hand.

“I wasn’t either.  Just might be embarrassing if Nat or Sam touch me and I get turned on.”

“I’m pretty sure this is just something I can do.”  Steve says confidently.  Bucky chuckles softly and kisses his shoulder.

They spend the next hour in bed trading lazy kisses.  They make love again and Steve naps this time.  Bucky kisses his shoulder and gets out of bed.  He showers and then goes to the kitchen.  He has to admit he’s glad Tony made it a bit bigger than it was.  They can’t really put on dinner parties here, but he can at least cook Steve a romantic dinner.   He decides to let Steve sleep while he gets things ready, no point in waking him when he’ll just end up being a distraction.  That thought makes Bucky grin widely and start humming while he’s cooking.

Steve wakes to something delicious.  He can hear Bucky moving around the kitchen singing to himself.  He flops back on the bed and laughs happily before rolling out of bed and pads into the kitchen.  He leans against the door jamb and just watches Bucky.  Bucky’s got his back to him and is swaying his hips to whatever’s in his head.  He moves easily around the kitchen and Steve is content to just watch him for a bit before going over and wrapping his arms around him from behind.  He rests his head on his shoulder and kisses the side of his neck.

“Out of the kitchen, punk.  I’m trying to cook here.  Go shower.”

“Last time I checked the Captain gave the orders to the Sergeants not the other way around.”   Steve says playfully.  He drops a kiss on Bucky’s shoulder and goes to shower anyway.

When he comes out there are a couple of candles waiting to be lit in the bedroom and he wonders where Bucky got them.  There are also place settings on each nightstand.  Bucky however is nowhere to be found.  He hears the front door open and Bucky thanking Abbi for the use of her shower.  Jaime swears it’s no big deal.  He chuckles to himself and wonders how much she’s blushing.

“Wow.”  Steve says coming up to Bucky and kissing him.

“Now I feel underdressed.”  He says pulling away.

“Nah, you’re perfect.”  Bucky says kissing him again.

“But you’re in your suit and damn, Buck.  I.. how did I ever manage to get so lucky.”

“I think fate decided since you were so sick all the time you ought to at least get one thing to be happy about.  I’m the lucky one because it’s me.”  Steve just beams at him before turning into the bedroom to change.

“I’ll be back in a bit.  Stay down here till I come get you.”  Bucky calls.

“That sounds like another…”  Steve sys sticking his head out of the closet.  He’s upset when he realizes Bucky’s gone.  He notices the beers and candles are too though.

 

“You changed?”  Bucky asks ten minutes later, just as Steve’s tying his shoe. 

“Yeah.  Where to?”

“Just the roof.”

Steve thinks _just the roof_ isn’t exactly right.  There are candles everywhere.  And the record player’s back up there and Sinatra’s playing.  Steve just turns to Bucky and beams.  Bucky kisses him softly then heads over to the table.  Steve can’t believe what Bucky’s managed to throw together while he was asleep.  He kisses Bucky then digs in.  The food is amazing.  When Bucky brings out desert Steve just laughs.  It’s Abbi’s chocolate crème pie.

“I should have known you’d have Abbi help.” 

“She wanted to.  Actually, all she did this time was make the pie.  Jaime and her girlfriends helped set the roof up this time.  That’s why there are so many candles.  They said to make it romantic there had to lots of candles.  And they all chipped in and bought us the speakers for the record player.  I tried to pay them back and they refused.”  Bucky says amazed.

“Hey, I know that look, what’s going on in your head.”

“It’s just a lot to take in.  I’m worried once everyone here knows everything it’s going to all go away.  People aren’t gonna want their kids hanging around me.  Jaime and her friends are gonna hate me.  Ashley’s gonna realize she was wrong.  That I’m not a hero.”  Steve doesn’t say anything at first.  He gets up and goes to sit in Bucky’s lap, once settled he speaks.

“Not gonna happen.  Pepper’s going to find us the right person to talk to.  And if they do we’ll deal with it.  Together.”  Steve rests his forehead against Bucky’s for a minute before getting up then pulling him to his feet.

“Dance with me.”  Steve says going to the record player.  Soon Sinatra is crooning with Bucky crooning in his ear.  Steve sways to the music sighing happily.

The Sinatra record ends and Bucky puts on one of the Billie Holiday records Steve thought he’d lost.  He looks up at Bucky who just leans in and kisses him.  Steve decides to drop it for now, not wanting to ruin the mood.  They stay on the roof for hours.  Just dancing.  By the time they decide to go inside they’re just swaying to the music in their own heads. Jaime pokes her head out and tells them to just let her know when they’re back downstairs.  That she and her friends will take care of everything up there.  Steve panics for a second, because he knows she and her friends know who he is.  Her response is just to give Bucky a look.  He nods to her then she leaves.

“We are so screwed.  Pepper is going to kill us.”  Steve says squirming away from Bucky so he can pace.

“They’ve all known since we moved in.  We really don’t fool anyone.  The girls think it’s this huge romantic story.  They want to have a sit down with us so they can all hear us tell it.  Cause they know the history books have got it wrong.  Steve, they really don’t care.  They aren’t going to go on all the social media sites and blab until after we go public.  They promised.  Besides Abbi has already told everyone the story leaks before we’re ready they answer to her.  And from what Jaime’s friends say none of them want that.”

“Oh.”  Steve says walking back over to Bucky and leaning into him.

“So what would you like to do with the rest of your birthday weekend?  We still have at least twelve hours.”

“Does it have to end?  It’s been perfect.”

“Got to go home sometime.”  Bucky says kissing him.

“I know.  Come on let’s go downstairs.”

They go downstairs and Bucky knocks lightly on Abbi’s door.  He quickly tells Jaime they’re heading back to Manhattan tomorrow before noon.  Then he lets Steve drag him into the apartment and into the bedroom.  Bucky half expects Steve to tear his clothes off of him.  He doesn’t.  Instead he just lays Bucky down and curls up on him like he used to when he was upset.  Bucky wraps himself around Steve as best he can and holds him close.

“What’s wrong, punk?”

“Nothing.  Just want to be held.”  Steve says quietly.

Bucky gets hit with a memory.  There’s sun shining through the windows in the living room.  Steve got a threadbare blanket wrapped around him, he’s got his sketchbook on his lap.  Bucky can see himself come in the room.  He looks freshly showered.  Steve pats the couch next to him and Bucky immediately sits down; then Steve is curling into him.  It’s only then Bucky can see how red his eyes are.   The memory makes Bucky incredibly sad and he holds Steve a little tighter. 

“Buck?”  Steve asks.

“Just a memory.  I’m all right.  I love you.”  Bucky says, but he sounds anything but all right even to himself.

“Love you too.  You sure you’re all right?”

“I… no.  I want to get them back, but then I get hit with the ones where you’re upset and I hate those.  Cause they go away before I can know why you were or if I fixed it.  And it’s never enough of one for me to say ‘hey Steve remember the time’, cause you most likely aren’t going to remember it.”

“You always made it better.  You always fixed it.  Even if you couldn’t hold me, cause we were in public, you always found a way to make it better.”  Steve says kissing him.

“You’re just saying that.”

“No I’m not.  It’s true. You’d give me a look and I couldn’t help but smile.  And when you could hold me, well, that just made everything better.  I knew I was gonna be okay then.”   Steve kisses him softly.

Steve doesn’t intend for it to go anywhere, but he also isn’t complaining when it does.  They make love for hours.  Steve is sated and beyond happy after and given the look on Bucky’s face he is too.  Steve chuckles when he realizes they’re going to have to get supplies before they come back.  That fact makes him giddy.  Bucky wonders what’s gotten into him but then he realizes and he finds it hysterical.  Steve just sits back beaming at the fact Bucky can’t get his laughing under control.  But then he does and he pecks Steve on the lips before yanking him down next to him to sleep.

They both wake up the next morning in time to go for a run.  They go around the neighborhood for a little over and hour and then take a shower together.  They pack up a few things then head back for Manhattan.  Steve watches Bucky closely.  He doesn’t tense up until they’re back by the tower.  Bucky swings them into Starbucks and asks Ashley if there’s anyway Steve can still get his free birthday drink.  She makes it happen and gives him one for free as well.  Steve leaves a twenty in the tip jar.  One of the other baristas comments that if Steve’s going to leave tips like that all the time he can have a free one whenever he wants.  Ashley waves him off then makes their drinks.  Then they get to the tower.

Nat greets them as the walk in.  Tony, who looks like he’s actually gotten sleep, nods to them both from the island.  Steve is surprised to find Jane still there.  He arches a brow at her and she mouths that she’ll explain later.  Pepper breezes into the kitchen grabs a cup of coffee in one hand and Bucky in the other then drags him off towards the elevator.

“Pepper, what’s wrong?”  Bucky asks as the doors close.

“I don’t know.  JARVIS was checking a few things to do with the files.  He came across something that, well if he were human I’d say it put him on edge.  He requested a private meeting with you.  And just you.  Won’t even let me be in the room.  Tony’s even a bit concerned.  JARVIS wouldn’t tell him what he found.  Said you get to know first.  I’ll be in my office if you need me.”  Pepper says as they arrive at the conference room where Bucky likes to have meetings.

“All right JARVIS what’s going on?”

“Bucky, does the name Aleksander Lukin mean… oh dear, I was afraid of this.”  JARVIS says.  Bucky tries to sit in one of the chairs and misses, but Steve’s right there to catch him.  Bucky clings to Steve trying to take deep breaths.  Steve just cards his fingers through his hair.

“JARVIS what the hell is going on, buddy.  What the hell did you do?”  Tony asks coming into the room.

“Not me sir, the Vice President.  I fear Agent Coulson wasn’t wrong when he said HYDRA was deeply ensconced in the government.  Before he was Vice President Gordon Wright worked for the Kronos Oil Corporation then moved into politics.  Mr. Lukin owned the corporation.  Or should I say owns.  Kronos is a HYDRA front.  I wanted Bucky to be prepared.  I don’t see any way for us to get him out of the meeting this afternoon.”

“How aware is Ellis of all this?”  Steve asks.

“I don’t think he knows any of it.  As it is I had to have Skye do most of the digging.”

“We’re calling it off.”  Steve says firmly.

“No we aren’t.”  Bucky says, at the tone in his voice Steve just nods and whispers ‘ok’ quietly.  Tony looks impressed.

“When is he going to be here?”  Bucky asks.

“You’ve got about an hour.”

“I’ll be downstairs.  Cap suit up, make sure you’ve got your shield.”  Bucky says then leaves the room.

“He really needs to stop doing that.”  Steve mutters under his breath.  Tony just laughs.

The hour goes by much too quickly for Steve’s liking.  He notices Bucky’s just got a suit on.  He goes over and fixes his tie and kisses him softly.  Bucky shakes his head and tells him to go put an actual suit on.  Not his costume.  Steve races to change.

“You all right, Barnes?”  Tony asks coming into the room.

“I’d be better if Steve didn’t look like he was afraid I was gonna lose my shit.  But otherwise I’m good.”

“Sir the Vice President is waiting in the conference room.”

“Our usual place, or the one we use for Avengers meetings?”  Tony asks.

“Avengers.” 

“All right let’s do this.  You ready Cap?”  Tony asks leading the way.  Steve nods and gives Bucky’s hand a squeeze.

They enter the room and the Vice President turns to face them. He seems to assess things. He reminds Steve of the Senators who thought they could buddy up to him in the forties and get something. He reminds Steve of Alexander Pierce. Steve instantly goes on alert. He shakes Tony’s hand and thanks him for allowing the use of the room. Tony wipes his hand on his pant leg once the man has turned to Steve. Wright shakes Steve’s hand and asks why he has his shield saying they’re all friends here. Steve just smiles slightly. Then the man turns to Bucky.

“Asset.” Bucky’s eyes go blank. He stands ramrod straight and lets go of Steve’s hand. The look Wright gives both Tony and Steve sends a shiver through Steve.


	34. Chapter Thirty Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went back and fleshed out the last paragraph of the last chapter if anyone's interested. I'm picking up the action right where we left off. I added tags. Also, this chapter was tougher for me to write than I thought it would be. Hope you all enjoy.
> 
> Also, in case it annoys anyone, Bucky's singing again. I swear I do not know where it came from but it is apparently a thing.

“Mission report.”  Wright says next.  Bucky blinks once but doesn’t respond.

“Report.”  Wright says getting right in front of Bucky and grabbing him.  Bucky blinks again and a look comes over his face Steve’s never seen, he can’t even describe it.  Steve tries to keep the fear at bay.

“Failed.”  Steve thinks he doesn’t sound anything like himself.  He doesn’t even sound like he did on the bridge and that scares Steve more than he’d like to admit.

“Finish it.”  Wright says with a nod to Steve. 

Bucky turns to face him and Steve takes a defensive stance.  He’s not going to fight Bucky.  In the background he can hear Tony telling JARVIS to get everyone to the room.  He can hear him telling JARVIS to get the armor.  Bucky grabs him around the throat and squeezes.  His eyes are still blank and with the amount of pressure Bucky’s applying there’s no way for him to speak.    But Steve tries anyway.  He manages to get a whisper of his name out.  Bucky throws Steve against the wall hard enough to knock him out if he doesn’t whip his head up, which he does.  Then Bucky advances on him.  Steve coughs and gets air back into his lungs.  He breathes deep a couple more times and notices everyone in the room out of the corner of his eye.  Bruce is barely holding the Hulk back he knows.  He stands up and Bucky advances again.

“Buck, you’re safe, I’m here, and I love you.”  Bucky pauses. 

The break doesn’t last long.  Bucky’s advancing on him again.  He grabs him again and throws him into the table.  He grabs Steve by his foot and swings him into the wall by his shield.  Steve notices Nat has Wright subdued.  Pepper’s by the door on the phone.  He hears her say Mr. President.  Bucky just stands there staring blankly at Steve.

“I said finish it.”  Wright spits out as Sam’s fist connects with his jaw.

“Bucky, you’re safe.  I swear to you. You’re safe.  I’m right here.  I’m okay.  I love you.”  Steve refuses to pick up his shield even though he can hear Clint in the background telling him to. Bucky picks Steve up with his right hand and hits him with his left.  Steve fights to stay conscious.

Bucky turns and faces Wright.  He advances and pushes Sam out of the way.  Steve notices though it’s not as hard as it was when they fought on the bridge; he takes that as a good sign. Steve’s still shaking his head slightly to keep himself awake.  Bucky grabs Wright by the lapels of his suit and pulls him out of Nat’s grip.  He stares him down then speaks.  When he does everyone in the room takes a step back.  Steve tries not to show how afraid he is.

“Get out.  You have one minute.  Otherwise you become my mission.  I won’t fail.”  Wright moves towards the door and right into Clint.

Bucky drops to the floor and starts rocking back and forth.  Steve moves to wrap himself around Bucky, wincing as he does so.  He ignores the pain and pulls Bucky against him.   Bucky doesn’t turn into him, he just stares ahead.  Bruce takes his pulse and just makes a noise.  Sam tries to reach him and can’t.  JARVIS puts Sinatra on in the background.  None of it works.  He just stares.  Steve kisses the back of his neck.  It causes Bucky to shift slightly.  What worries Steve is he seems to be trying to get away from it.  The same happens when Steve runs his fingers through Bucky’s hair.  Steve shifts to get up and Bucky grips his arm with his left hand.  Steve decides that’s another good sign.  He settles back into his previous position and hisses in pain.  Bucky leans into him then.

“Buck?”  Steve asks quietly.

“Steve, help.”  Bucky says, barely above a whisper.  Steve tries to wrap around him more. He bats Bruce away as he tries to check his injuries.

“Don’t let me hurt you Steve, grab the shield hit me with it.”  Bucky whispers.  Steve just looks to Bruce and Sam for help.  Bruce pulls a needle from his pocket then puts in Bucky’s shoulder.

Sam and Tony take Bucky to the apartment.  Bruce makes Steve stay back so he can check him for any broken bones.  Steve reluctantly does so.  Nat tries to comfort him.  He shakes her off. Once Bruce gives him the all clear he races down to be with Bucky.  He tells Tony and Sam to go then heads into the bedroom.  He notes neither of them have left.  He just closes the door then climbs into bed next to Bucky.  He gets in so that Bucky can hold him, he isn’t surprised when Bucky does just that.  He notes that Bucky doesn’t hold him too tight.  Just rests his arms around him.

Steve stays on alert.  Bucky wakes half an hour later sobbing.  He won’t let Steve roll over and face him but he buries his face into Steve’s shoulder blades.  He gets out of bed and races to the bathroom and is sick.  He doesn’t come back out and when Steve goes in to check on him he’s sitting on the floor of the shower crying while the hot water rains down on him.  Steve turns it off and helps him out of his wet clothes.  He dries him off and then puts one of the robes around him.  He then leads him back into the bedroom to find Tony and Sam have flanked each side of the bedroom door.  Nat and Pepper are both in the living room.  He can hear Bruce, Clint and Jane in the kitchen.

“Steve.”  Bucky says quietly.  Steve just kisses his temple.

“I… Steve.”  Steve just rubs his back to soothe him.  JARVIS pipes Steve’s mix into the room.

“I… shit.  I can’t…”   Bucky shakes his head a few times.

“I.. damnit.”  Steve turns him to face him then kisses him softly.  Bucky seems to settle slightly.

“Sh.  Don’t force it, all right.”

“Can’t clear my head.  Feel foggy.”  Bucky says, to Steve he sounds more like the Soldier than Bucky.  Steve tries not to worry.

Sh, relax, okay.  You’re safe.  I’m right here.”  Steve says kissing his temple.

“Do you not love me anymore?”  Bucky asks quietly, shifting to get out of his arms.

“No, Bucky, no, of course I still love you.  Always.  End of the line.”  Steve says punctuating each word with a kiss, while kicking himself for not saying it.

Bucky settles back into him.  Nat comes into the room and wraps her arms around Steve lightly hugging him.  She tells him the President wants to speak to him, but says she’ll take care of it.  He nods.  Bucky looks up and to Steve he looks scared.  Steve kisses his temple.

“Go.  You have to do it.  He’ll want me to turn myself in otherwise.  Has to be you.  I’ll be okay.  JARVIS is here he’ll make sure I’m okay.”  Steve gives Tony a look.  Tony just shrugs.  Steve kisses Bucky’s temple then gets off the bed.

He goes to their usual conference room and finds Pepper has already set it up for a vid-conference.  He also notes that Phil is there as well.  Phil is explaining his resurrection to the President, who, while glad to have Phil among the living, seems angry.  The President informs Phil he expects him at the White House the next morning to discuss the matter more.  Phil, properly chastised promises to be there.

“Captain Rogers.”  The President says turning his attention to Steve.

“Sir.”  Steve fights to keep his voice even.

“Is Sergeant Barnes all right?”  Ellis asks, and to Steve the concern sounds genuine.

“He will be.”

“Good.  What about you?  From what Miss Potts said Sergeant Barnes threw you around like a rag doll.”

"I’m fine, sir.  He wasn’t himself.  I don’t know what it was. But I don’t think locking him in a cage is the …” Ellis holds up his hand to silence him.

"I’m not going to put him in a cage.  He’s turned himself over to the Avengers.  I’m sure Iron Man and Black Widow can handle it.  Captain Rogers, I’m sure you can handle it.  I’d like to have him here at the White House when he’s feeling up to it.  Given things with Wright I can’t come to New York myself.  I wanted to speak with you because I’ve seen the video footage from this afternoon.  I’m even more convinced he has no control over his actions when he’s the Winter Soldier.   The deal we originally made is still in effect.   I’m also removing you from active duty for the time being barring a major emergency.  Your job is to make sure Sergeant Barnes is on the mend.”

“Thank you, sir.  I appreciate it.”

“Of course.  I’d like updates every few days on how he’s doing.  Only because I feel responsible this time around.  I should have looked into Wright more closely.”

“We’ll be sure to keep you posted.”  Steve says.  He notices Tony come into the room.  He says hello to Phil and whispers something into Steve’s ear.

“Sir if there’s nothing else….”

“Go ahead Captain.  Please keep me posted.”

“Of course sir.  Thank you.”

Steve goes down to the apartment to find Bucky pacing.  He goes and stands in front of him and Bucky stops.  He looks at Steve and just plops down on the couch and curls into himself.  Steve goes to him and tries to hold him but Bucky moves away.  Steve moves with him.

“Buck, please let me hold you.”  Steve pleads.  Bucky moves closer to him.  Steve hisses as Bucky settles into his lap.

“Steve?”  Bucky says shifting away.

“I’m fine.  C’mere.  Please.”

“Shit.  Steve what the hell did I do to you?  Has Bruce checked you over?”  Bucky asks checking him over himself as he asks.

“Buck, I’m fine.”  Bucky just grunts and pulls Steve up carefully then leads him into the bedroom.

He makes Steve lay down then gingerly holds him.  He kisses the back of Steve’s neck.  He curls around him just as carefully and holds him.  Steve shifts and winces while trying to face him when he feels Bucky start shaking.

“Buck, let me… ow…. Shit.  Okay that hurt.”

“Punk, just lay still.”

“You’re.. go get Bruce.”  Bucky’s checking him over immediately.  He calls out to JARVIS to get Bruce.

Bruce comes down and tells Bucky they’ve got to move Steve to the medical bay.  Steve tries to refuse and insist he can just stay where he is.  Bucky goes over to him and whispers something to him.  Steve gets up and lets Bucky and Bruce lead him there.  Bucky paces while Bruce takes the x-rays.  He calls Tony and Sam into the room and shows them what he finds.  It’s Pepper who comes to talk to Bucky.

“He was supposed to use the shield to protect himself.  He was supposed to fight back.  Pepper I can’t… I don’t know….. How… Pepper.”  Bucky breaks down then.  Pepper just holds him.

“Bucky he’s going to be all right.  He’s got a couple of cracked ribs.  He’s going to heal in a couple of days.  Bruce just wants to keep him in med bay for a few hours.  And he’d like you two to stay overnight.  Just so he can keep an eye on him.  You both can go back to Brooklyn tomorrow.”

“He can.  I’m turning myself in.  We were foolish to think we could do this.  We were foolish to think given everything, we could have our life back.”  Bucky says turning towards the elevator.

Pepper goes after him but stops at the look on his face.  She races into the med bay and goes to Bruce.  Tony overhears and heads for the apartment.  Steve tries to get up but Bruce tells him to stay put.  Steve bangs his head against the bed he’s on.  Pepper tries to calm him.

Tony reaches the apartment to find Bucky throwing things into a bag.  He watches him for a few minutes then starts unpacking his things.  Bucky glares.  Tony just arches a brow and dares him to do something.  Bucky throws the bag against the wall and then sits down and puts his head in his hands.

“All I do is hurt him.”

“Barnes, what happened today wasn’t your fault.  It was ours.  We should have done the background check on the Vice President before we brought him here.”

“Sir?”  JARVIS interrupts.

“What is it?”  Tony asks.

“Captain Rogers is asking for Bucky.  He’s rather agitated.”

“I’m on my way.”  Bucky says.

Bucky gets down to the med bay and everyone clears out.  Steve looks upset and Bucky wants to kick himself for doing this to him.  Bucky takes his hand and Steve begs him to hold him. Bucky gets onto the bed and Steve shifts carefully.  Bucky runs his fingers through his hair and tries to sing to him so he’ll sleep but Steve’s too on edge to do so.  Bucky kisses the back of his neck.

“Don’t leave me.”  Steve begs.

“Steve.”  Bucky kisses the back of his neck again.

“Today wasn’t your fault.  I’ll be fine in a few days.  We can go home tomorrow.  Bruce said so.  Please Buck, I can’t do this without you.  I can’t.”  Steve says trying to keep his emotions in check.  He thinks he sounds like he used to when he used to beg Bucky to sneak him out to go play in the snow.  The thought would make him smile if he wasn’t so worried about Bucky leaving him.

Bucky gingerly helps Steve roll over to face him.  Then he kisses him softly.  Steve shifts so he’s curled into him.  He winces slightly when he moves to snuggle closer.  Bucky fights the urge to get off the bed and call Coulson.  He kisses the top of Steve’s head.  Bucky starts to sing _They Can’t Take That Away From Me._   Steve smiles and then winces when he tries to settle in more.

“Not gonna work, Buck.  I… just promise me you aren’t gonna leave me.”  Steve says through a yawn.  Bucky notices the accent coming out again.

“I….”  Steve kisses him at the look on his face.

“It wasn’t you.  It was HYDRA.  I mean it Buck, I can’t do this alone.  Ask Nat.  Ask Tony.  Hell, ask Sam.  I was miserable before.”

“I know.  I can’t either.  I just, Steve all I seem to do is hurt you.  I’m supposed to protect you.  And don’t even say it.  I know you can protect yourself.  So at the very least I’m not supposed to be the reason you have cracked ribs and need to be put into the hospital.”

“Hey, I broke your right arm.  Dislocated your shoulder.  Not like I didn’t fight on the helicarrier.”  Steve says trying to joke.

“Don’t.  It’s not…  Steve.”  Bucky says chuckling.

“Punk.”  Bucky says kissing the top of his head.

“What, jerk?  I didn’t do anything.”  Steve says innocently.

“I love you, more than anything.”  Bucky says tipping Steve’s lips up for a kiss.

“I love you too.  Sing me to sleep?”  Bucky just chuckles again and starts the song over.  Steve settles in and sleeps.


	35. Chapter Thirty Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to ShieldingWinter for pointing out the typo in the last chapter. Here's the next one hope you all enjoy.

Bucky watches Steve sleep for a while.  He gets up and tells Bruce he’s going for a walk.  To tell Steve he’ll be back.  Bucky leaves the tower, making a call as he does so.  He reaches the Starbucks by the tower and snags a table.  Then he waits.

“What’s this about, Barnes?”  Melinda May asks taking the seat across from Bucky.

“I’m sure Phil made you aware of what happened today.”  Bucky says, shaking slightly.

“I’ve seen the footage.  Was it always like that?”  She asks genuinely curious.

“No.  Usually I’d have no idea who I was before they sent me on missions.”

“You… Barnes you can’t think any of this was your fault.  That bastard slipped through the cracks.”

“Exactly.  So what are we going to do about it, Agent May?”

“Why me?  Why not the Avengers or Phil?”

“You’re more willing to break rules to get the job done.  I’ve done my research.  I can’t ask Nat, she’s worked too hard to get where she is.  You’re my best option.  So what do you say?”

“You’ve got yourself a deal on two conditions.”

“Which are?”

“You kick my ass for before and then let the rest of the team call you Bucky. Fitz has been already anyway.  And Skye slips then gets glared at by Jemma.  I’ll probably never do it, but the option would be nice.”

“Care to accompany me to the tower, Melinda?”

“Lead the way.”

They get back to the tower and Steve is pacing the common room holding his side and wincing as he does so.  Bucky immediately goes over to him and helps him sit down.  He whispers to him and then kisses him softly.  Steve eyes Melinda warily.

“I promise to not hurt him, Captain.”

“You think letting him kick your ass earns you the right to call him Bucky?”

“Stevie, it’s okay.  Honestly, she’s not some jerk in the movie theater bitching about the cartoons or whatever it was.”

“I know, but she all of the sudden doesn’t want to lock you in a cage.  I don’t trust it.  What changed her mind suddenly?”

“Today.”  Melinda and Bucky say in unison.  That shuts Steve up.  He kisses Bucky softly then whispers to him before kissing him again.

“Shall we.”  Bucky says leading Melinda to the gym. 

They get there and Tony’s sitting in one of the seats on his tablet.  Peppers got hers out as well.  Bruce and Jane are discussing some article they’ve both read.  Clint’s up in the rafters, Bucky notices his bow is lying next to him.  Nat is sitting in one corner of the ring.  Phil is in the other.  Bucky chuckles when he sees all of Melinda’s team is there as well.  He goes over to Jemma and kisses her cheek thanking her for the improvements to the arm.  He introduces himself to Fitz who just stutters his way through a hello.  Bucky chuckles.  He nods to Tripp then pulls Skye aside and whispers something to her.  She smiles widely then hugs him.

“Melinda, you know Stevie has this rule.  You don’t hit a lady.  I usually try to follow that rule myself.  Natalia will tell you though, I kick your ass you’ll know it.”  Natasha nods.

“Aw, isn’t that cute Phil, he’s trying to warn me.”  Melinda says sweetly before swinging her leg out to kick Bucky.

Bucky catches it and throws her into the ropes.  Then he calls a halt to the fight.  He goes over to her and whispers something to her.  She throws her head back and laughs then nods.  Then she hugs him.  Phil gapes.  Tony arches a brow.  He gets out of the ring and heads for the doors.  Clint jumps down and stops him.

“What the hell was that?  I just lost a hundred bucks.”

“I lost five thousand.  I don’t know why you’re complaining Barton.” Tony calls from where he is.

“What was the charity again?  Oh wait that’s right I get to choose.”  Bucky says.

“Rogers.”  Clint spits.

“I’m going to kill him.”  Tony says.  Bucky’s in front of him before he even realizes what’s happened.

“Barnes calm down it was a joke.”  Tony says.

“Bucky.”  Pepper says quietly.

“It’s fifty.  Twenty five to homeless shelters who work to get the vets back on their feet and twenty five to lgbtq causes.  And if I **_ever_** hear that from you again JARVIS won’t be able to get you your **_precious_** suit in time.”  Bucky says storming out of the gym.

“Okay what was that?”  Skye asks.

“I’ll be right back.  All of you stay here.”  Jemma says following him.

Jemma finds Bucky sitting on the railing of the balcony of his apartment.  She goes and faces him.  Then she waits, when he doesn’t say anything she does what she did with Steve the night he took her dancing. 

“You know Tony didn’t mean it right?  He wouldn’t really even try it.”

“I know.  Now I’ve got to apologize _again_.  I don’t know maybe turning myself into Phil would be a good idea.”

“Oh please.  No it wouldn’t.  Besides, Tony knows it was just because of what happened with Wright.  Doctor Banner obviously did, otherwise you would have been in a heap of trouble.  Bucky everyone understands.  Tony just wasn’t thinking.”

“No, I was, just not about what saying that was going to do.  Jemma give us a minute would you?”

“Don’t you ever knock?”  Jemma asks.

“His tower he doesn’t have to.”  Bucky says on autopilot.  Jemma just shakes her head but takes her leave.

“Would you get down?  Capsicle would have a coronary.”  Tony says.  Bucky lets go of the railing and flips him off.

“I came to apologize and this is how you act?  Nice.”  Tony says as he goes and sits down at the table, pulling out a bottle of scotch and two glasses.  That gets Bucky off the railing.

“I’m sorry.  I overreacted.  My head’s not on straight still.  I’ll leave…”  Tony holds up his hand as he pours Bucky a drink.

“Drink it.  It’s not poisoned or drugged.  And I know that.  I shouldn’t have said it myself.  Pepper gave me holy hell for it after you left.  You know we’re all so worried about Steve this time we may have forgotten you got your head messed with again.”

“I’m fine.  I can handle it.  Okay I probably can’t.  But you all did the right thing.  Steve….”  Bucky shakes his head and downs the rest of his drink.

“Your still in a fog aren’t you?”  Tony asks.

“I keep going back into one yeah.”

“Come on, test time.  I promise no strapping you to tables or anything.  And I’ll even get Steve if you want.  But I need to do a MRI and a CT scan.”

“I don’t want him to know I’m not okay.   Just get someone I can talk to.  That Fitz guy should work.”

“I’m sure he’d love to know the Winter Soldier is calling him ‘that Fitz guy’”.  Tony says laughing.

They get down to the lab and Phil’s team is waiting for them.  Fitz and Simmons are talking with Jane about her work, all of which goes over Bucky’s head.  Melinda is talking with Bruce about relaxation techniques, it strikes Bucky as odd given what he knows of the two of them.  Nat’s filling Phil in on more of the files that he chooses to ignore.  He doesn’t want to hear about them right now.  He sits down on one of the stools and eyes the equipment warily; maybe doing this without Steve isn’t the best idea.  He’s about to say something to Tony when Steve shuffles into the room.  His hair is askew, and Bucky wants nothing more than to take him back to bed and curl up with him.  Steve shuffles over to Bucky and maneuvers himself into Bucky’s arms then he settles so he’s resting on him.  Bucky kisses the back of his neck and Steve sighs happily.  In the background Tony makes gagging noises and Phil looks like he’d rather be somewhere else.  Bucky makes a mental note to have a word with him about it.  Steve looks up at him and arches a brow, before whispering to him.

“You okay?”

“Fine.  You should go back to bed.” 

“Come with me then.”  Steve says through a yawn.

“I… Steve, just go back to bed.  I’ll be up in a bit.”  Bucky says, trying to not sound exasperated, and failing if the look Steve gives him is any indication.  Steve is also wide awake now.

“Someone want to tell me what’s going on?”  Steve looks directly at Phil.

“I’m not really sure. I just came cause I thought there was going to be cake.”  He says lamely. 

“Anyone else care to try again for Agent Coulson?”

“Steve.” Tony says.

“Don’t.  Just don’t.  I do not need you all coddling me.  Now either someone tells me what’s going on or I ask JARVIS.  And we all know how that’s going to go.”

“Steve, you really should be resting.”  Bruce says.

“Bruce, I just want to know what’s going on.”

“I can’t get my head to clear.”  Bucky says so quietly he’s sure no one’s heard him.  Steve whips around to face him and goes over to him.

“Buck, why didn’t you say something.”

“I almost killed you _again_ you didn’t need to know my head’s not screwed on straight still.”  Bucky yells at him and Steve just stares not sure how to react or what to say.

Bucky notices everyone but Tony files out of the room.  When Bruce tries to get Tony to leave he shakes his head.  Bruce throws his hands up then closes the door.  Tony goes to the other side of the room so they can have some semblance of privacy.  Bucky’s going to have to thank him for that.

“It wasn’t you.”  Steve says.  Bucky glares.

“When are you going to realize it was ** _me_**?  Every single one of them was ** _me_**.  It’s my hands that pulled the trigger or strangled them.  It’s my hands that killed them.  Damnit Steve.  It was **_me_** choking you this afternoon and on the bridge.  It was **_me_** on helicarrier.  All of it was **_me._** ”  Bucky screams.  Tony looks up from where he’s been tinkering across the room.  Steve takes a step back.

“Cap, go back to bed.”  Tony says.

“I’m not leaving.”  Steve says in a tone that brokers no arguments. 

Bucky storms past him and leaves the lab.  He’s not sure where he’s going; just knows if he stays there Steve’s going to get hit again.  He can feel himself vibrating with the rage this time.  He keeps the fear at bay, but barely.   He tells JARVIS to not tell Steve where he is once he reaches the gym.  He punches the bag so hard it breaks.  That’s when he hears it, a quiet growl.  He almost thinks Tony’s gotten a dog while they were in Brooklyn, but then he sees the flash of green.  _So this is the big guy,_ he thinks before he gets thrown into the weights.  He hears JARVIS alerting Tony and knows any chance he has of Steve not finding out about this is out the window.

“You know, we could just sit and have drinks Banner.  No need to….”  The Hulk throws Bucky into another wall.

“Hurt red white and blue man.”  Bucky stops cold at that.

“I did.  You’re right.  And you’re not going to beat me up more than I have myself, but I’m willing to let you try.”  Bucky says.

Tony’s in the suit when he arrives.  Clint’s back and has his arrows raised.  Phil tries to reason with him.  Phil seems to confuse him, Bucky uses it to his advantage and tries to move behind Tony.  Hulk grabs him by his left arm and throws him into the weights again.  Bucky’s trying to get up before the Hulk can throw him again.  He watches in horror as Steve gets between him and the Hulk. He puts his hands up to show he’s not armed and he turns to show he doesn’t have the shield.  The Hulk watches him.

“I’m okay.  See.  All in one piece.”

“Metal armed man hurt you.”  Hulk says.

“He wasn’t himself.  He didn’t know…. He couldn’t stop himself.  He didn’t want to.  Please, don’t hurt him anymore.  For me.”  Tony throws Steve a pair of pants and Bucky watches as he changes back into Banner.

“Bucky, you all right?”  Bruce asks as he buttons the pants.

“Fine.  What about you?”  Bucky asks clearly concerned, to Steve he sounds like he’s blaming himself.

“Like I got run over by a truck, so fine.  Come for a walk with me.?”  Bruce asks helping him to his feet.

“Yeah.”  Bucky says not even sparing Steve a backward glance.  Steve tries to not let that hurt.

“We really fucked up.”  Clint says to no one in particular. 

“That’s an understatement.”  Tony says taking the suit off.  Pepper comes in and surveys the damage for all of two seconds before her eyes settle on Steve.

“Steve.”  She says quietly.  He just shakes his head and leaves the room.

“I don’t care which one of you it is, but **_one_** of you fix this.  And do it now.”

“We’re working on it.”  Tony says.

“Work harder.”  Steve hears her say as the doors to the gym close.

Steve heads for the common room figuring Bruce and Bucky have gone to the apartment.  He’s surprised to find them sitting at the island eating ice cream of all things.  He stays out of sight and tries to not eavesdrop, but given the room set up that’s not possible. 

“I held him at bay for as long as I could.”

“I know.  I’m not mad.  But what I told him is true.  Nothing he could have done to me would have been any worse than what I’ve been doing to myself.  Only difference is it would show.”

“You don’t buy the extenuating circumstances argument Steve and Tony keep giving you do you?”  Bruce asks, pouring hot fudge over his ice cream.

“Not for a second.  How can I?  I remember it all.”

“But you didn’t until you were out from under HYDRA’s control.  Bucky they brainwashed you and forced you to be their enforcer.  Everyone knows you would have fought them.”

“See that’s the thing.  I stopped.  Steve didn’t tell any of you that did he?  I was fighting them and then I stopped.”

“According to Zola’s files you didn’t stop until they showed you all the major newspapers and forced you to listen to the news reports over and over.  According to his files you kept fighting them for years after, when they brought you out of freeze.  Problem was you were disoriented.  They could get you strapped down and wipe you before you really knew what was going on.  They learned how to subdue you right after freeze so you couldn’t fight.  The files indicate Pierce used to… it doesn’t matter.  Point is you fought, and you kept fighting them.”

“Pierce used to let me get just a…. I’ve got to go… I….”  Bucky feels Steve wrap himself around him from behind.

“I’ll leave you two alone. “  Bruce says taking his bowl and putting it into the sink.

“Buck?”  Steve asks once Bruce has gone.

“I’d get this glimpse of you in my head, usually when you were smaller.  I’d start asking for you.  Begging them to let me see you.  Steve…. Help.  I can’t deal with this anymore.”  Bucky says hanging his head, his body shaking with the force of the sob that tears through him.

“Come here. Buck, I’ve got you.  Just come here.”  Steve says leading him to the couch. 

Steve looks to see everyone but Pepper retreating from the room.  She goes over to the island and makes quick work of putting the ice cream in the freezer and then she too leaves.  Steve hears his mix start to play.  Bucky just keeps shaking as the sobs wrack his body.  Steve rubs his back and whispers what’s become his mantra whenever this happens.  Bucky seems to cry harder every time he says he loves him.  Steve hears Bucky tell him he shouldn’t a few times and it breaks Steve’s heart.  He clings tighter to Steve too every now and then.  He falls into a fitful sleep and Steve asks JARVIS to turn the lights down and his mix off.  He also asks him to let everyone know they’re going to be sleeping up there.  Steve stays awake for hours just rubbing Bucky’s back and kissing the top of his head.  Pepper comes up at three thirty to find Steve’s head resting on the arm of the couch and Bucky shivering on top of him.  She covers them both and runs her fingers through Bucky’s hair.  Then she heads down to the lab to check on Tony.

Steve wakes at his usual time to Sam putting his sneakers on.  Sam holds his hand up and shakes his head.  He heads out for his run.  Steve shifts a bit to work the crick out of his neck and Bucky looks up.  Steve kisses him.  Bucky snuggles in more and tries to go back to sleep. 

“You want to go catch Sam, you can.”  Bucky says quietly, making patterns on Steve’s chest.

“Nope.  Want to go downstairs and curl up in bed with you.”

“Really?” Bucky asks.  Steve looks down at him and doesn’t like what he sees.

“Buck, look at me for second.  And listen to me.  I mean really listen.”  Bucky does so.

“I’m with you till the end of the line.  I am _always_ going to be in love with you.  Nothing you do is _ever_ going to make me not be.  You got me, jerk?”  Bucky just kisses him.  Steve reaches up and wipes the tears away with his thumbs.

“Got it.”  Bucky says when he pulls away.  He gets up and pulls Steve up.  Then he lets Steve lead him to bed.


	36. Chapter Thirty Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter wasn't an easy one to write. It's why it took so long. So I want to thank you all for bearing with me.

Bucky lays down and curls in on himself.  He doesn’t feel right but he doesn’t know how to explain it to Steve either.  It’s not what the Hulk did, that much he can tell.  He feels the bed dip and Steve try to hold him.  He bolts from the bed goes to splash cold water on his face.  He has a sudden flash of something very similar happening in the apartment in Brooklyn.  He remembers then that’s what happened in the two weeks he’s missing.  He sinks down to the floor and rests against the tub trying to make the feeling go away.  He has another flash and realizes it happened before he went to Steve in Washington.  He knows he’s got to get Steve out of the apartment he’s just not sure how.

 

“Buck?”  Steve asks from the door way. 

 

“Out.  Go stay…. Sam.”  Steve just sits back down on the bed.

 

“Steve.  Out.  Now.”  Bucky begs.

 

There must be something in the tone Bucky uses because Steve gets off the bed and then Bucky hears the door to the apartment open and close.  He leans back against the tub and tries to get the feeling to pass.  He’s gotten enough back to know it’s going to be a while.  Hell, Brooklyn took two weeks.  Washington, he realizes was worse.  That was almost a month.  He curses under his breath for not having recognized the signs.  His head not clearing right away.  The anger vibrating through him.  The uncontrollable sobbing.  He supposes having had to fight the Hulk might have thrown him off his game a bit.

 

He hears the door open and then close. Then he hears someone come in the bedroom, but can tell it’s not Steve. He cracks an eye open and is surprised to find Phil in front of him. Phil sits across from him in the doorway of the bathroom. He leans back and closes his eyes. 

 

“You know, my head’s not on as straight as I let on.  It’s the GH-325.  Jemma’s working on it.”  Bucky doesn’t say anything.  He just closes his eyes and tries to ignore the fact that Phil’s there.

 

Bucky opens his eyes what seems like five minutes later, but he knows it’s longer, to find Phil watching him.  Bucky scowls at him then stands up and Phil does as well.  He goes into the living room to find Steve sketching.  He kisses the top of Steve’s head then goes into the kitchen. 

 

“Phil?”  Steve asks.

 

“Hey Cap.”  Phil says throwing his suit jacket over the chair.

 

“One of you want to fill me in here?”

 

“Bucky needs someone to keep an eye on him when he gets like this.  That’s what the files say anyway.  That’s why he went to Brooklyn.  He thought… well… he probably thought you’d be there.  You weren’t, but Abbigail Jenkins was.  She kept an eye on him.  Not that he remembers it.  I only know she did because he killed one of his minders when they tried to attack her.  I knew he wasn’t going to let it be you, not after what happened earlier.  Everyone else feels like they’ve got to walk on eggshells.  I figure I owe the two of you this after what Fury did.  And it’s just sitting on the floor of the bathroom with him.  No big deal.”

 

“Phil.”  Steve says quietly.

 

“I know what you’re going to say.  I don’t have to make up for what he did.  So let’s just say this is me making up for the fact that I didn’t bother to look further into things.  I mean the GH-325 files should have made me want to look.  But well, first Tony and Iron Man, then you got unthawed, there was Banner in there somewhere too and Thor.  And well Tony was a full time job.  So this is me making up for the fact I didn’t ask enough of the right questions.  Just let me do this all right.”

 

“Coulson get your ass in here.”  Bucky calls from the kitchen.

 

“What’s that all about?”  Steve asks.  Phil shrugs, but goes anyway.  He finds Bucky chopping vegetables and the skillet on the stove.

 

“He still out there?”  Bucky asks referring to Steve.

 

“Yeah, you want me to tell him to go?”

 

“No, it’s passed I think. Thanks for sitting with me.   Look you and I need to have a talk.”

 

“Of course.  All right, what’s up?”  Phil says.  Bucky can tell he’s nervous, even though he hides it well.

 

“You got a problem with me and Steve?”

 

“What?  What do you…. Oh.  No, not in the way you’re thinking.  I don’t care about him being gay.  It’s the thought that he has…. Well… um…”  Bucky barks out a laugh and decides to take him out of his misery.

 

“You can stop sputtering now.”  Bucky says chuckling.  He feels Steve wrap his arms around him and leans back into it.

 

“Out of the kitchen, punk, I’m tryin’ to cook.”  Bucky says but he’s more or less leaning on Steve.  Phil retreats out of the room to give them privacy.

 

“It’s nice to hear you laugh.”  Steve says shifting slightly to support him.

 

“I’m sorry about earlier.  I just didn’t want to hurt you again; was afraid I might.”  Steve just kisses his neck and hugs him a little tighter.

 

“I figured that out.”  Steve says taking the knife out of his hands and turning him to face him.  Then he rests their foreheads together.

 

“How are you feeling?”  Bucky asks.

 

“Just sore now.  I’m not wincing every time I move.”  Steve says, kissing him softly.

 

“Good.  Now get out of my kitchen.”  Bucky says shooing him off.  Steve just pecks him on the lips and smiles.

 

Steve goes back into the living room to find Phil flipping through a magazine.  He grabs his sketchbook off the table and the two sit in companionable silence for a bit.  Tony knocks once and comes in with everyone else.  Steve hopes Bucky’s got enough food.

 

“Buck, we’ve got company for dinner.”  Steve calls.  Bucky sticks his head out of the kitchen and scowls.  Pepper heads into the kitchen.

 

“Need any help?”  She asks as way of letting him know she’s there.

 

“Nah, I’m good.  Look about yesterday…”  Pepper holds up a hand to silence him.

 

“You don’t have to apologize; everyone in that room knows you had no control over your actions.  We all know you were still under the effects of whatever Wright was able to do.  Now we’re all going to have a late birthday party for Steve.  And then you two are going to stay over, because it’s late and I don’t want to have to worry about you.  You can go home tomorrow.  But tonight you stay here.”

 

“I can see why Tony doesn’t mess with you.”  He says kissing her cheek.

 

“I’ll be nice and send Bruce out for ice cream seeing as how you’re cooking.”

 

“Oops?”  Bucky says grinning at her in the way that sends her into a fit of giggles.

 

“Barnes, are you flirting with my woman again?”

 

“Someone has to, Stark.  Pepper, give us a minute would you.”

 

“Of course.”  Pepper says kissing his cheek.  She makes sure to kiss Tony too.  Bucky just shakes his head.

 

“What’s up?”  Tony asks hopping up on the counter opposite the stove where Bucky is.  Bucky gives him a look and he hops down.

 

“I wanted… I... Look, I didn’t mean to freak out.  It came so fast I couldn’t stop it.”

 

“It’s no big deal, Barnes.  And may I just say nice handling of the big guy.  I’m impressed.”

 

“He always like that?  Protective of Steve?”

 

“Pretty much.  He and Steve have this weird bond.  I think it’s because Steve’s never once treated Bruce like he’s a freak, or like he has to be constantly watched.  It took Bruce and I a little bit to bond.  Steve on the other hand just didn’t give a rat’s ass about the big guy.  He accepted Bruce as is.  I think it went along way with Hulk.  Plus, Steve treats Hulk like he’s one of the team.  Has from the very beginning.”

 

“Nice to know he’s got someone else looking out for him.”  Bucky says.  He grabs plates and hands them to Tony.

 

“Go set the table.  Let everyone know dinner’s in ten minutes.”

 

“Yes, grandpa.”  Bucky just gives him a look.  Tony throws his head back and laughs.  Bucky catches Steve’s eye through the door and smiles at the fact Steve’s beaming.

 

They have a nice dinner.  Everyone compliments Bucky on the food and he can’t help but smile.  He catches Steve’s eye and Steve just mouths an ‘I love you” to him.  The conversation flows as does the wine.  Bucky looks down the table at one point and smiles, Jemma, Jane and Fitz are talking with Tony and Bruce about things that are over his head but the way they're into it just makes him happy.  He looks to the other side of the table and Nat and Pepper are talking about something and giggling while Pepper glances over at Tony.  Steve gets up and kisses the top of Bucky’s head on his way to the kitchen.  Bucky follows.

 

“Hey.”  Steve says once they’re hidden away in the kitchen.  He opens his arms and Bucky goes into them, kissing Steve as he does so.

 

“You know, this is what I wanted for you way back when.”  Bucky says quietly.

 

“What you and me in the kitchen kissing?”  Steve teases.  Bucky just smiles.

 

“Ten bucks says they’re making out.”  They both hear Clint say.

 

“Fifty says they’re having a quickie on the kitchen table.”  That’s Nat.

 

“C’mere punk.”  Bucky whispers.  He messes up Steve’s hair and then has Steve do the same with his.  He also untucks Steve’s t-shirt messily.

 

“Let’s go get our money.”  Bucky says with a wink.  Steve hides his chuckle in Bucky’s shoulder.

 

“Holy… no way… man please tell me….”  Sam says looking at both of them.  He excuses himself and heads for the bathroom.

 

“We’ll take our sixty bucks now please.”  Steve says completely straight faced.

 

Clint and Natasha hand over the money which Steve sticks in the front pocket of Bucky’s jeans.  Sam comes back and bursts out laughing.  Clint wonders what’s so funny.  Nat catches on and starts laughing herself.  Clint growls out a Barnes and puts his hand out palm up.

 

“Keeping it.  That’ll teach you not to make stupid bets.”  Steve says sitting down.

 

“Got news for you Cap, we’re still going to make stupid bets.  But I’ll let you keep the money anyway.”

 

“Good.”  Steve says taking a sip of his wine.

 

“Excuse me for a second.  Tony come help would you?”  Pepper asks.  Tony nods and follows her out.

 

Pepper comes back with a cake and Tony has the ice cream.  Tony whistles and Dum-E comes in carrying a couple of boxes.  Both are filled with wrapped gifts.  Steve arches a brow.  Tony shrugs while Pepper just smiles.  Bucky arches a brow at Pepper and she nods to him.  Steve makes a note to ask Bucky about it later.  Bucky has everyone move to the living room then goes to put coffee on.  He turns after grabbing cups for everyone to find Fitz watching him from the door way.

 

“Something I can do for you, kid?”

 

“I feel like I should thank you.”

 

“For?”

 

“Helping Jemma.  Keeping her busy so she couldn’t focus on the fact she couldn’t do anything for me. But then I feel like an ass for even thinking it.”

 

“Don’t.  I was glad to help, anyway I could.  You know you’ve got to thank Steve too.  He took her dancing one night.”

 

“I know.  I’m so pissed.  I love our swing nights.  Rate I’m going we’re not going to have another one.  It’s taking forever for me to heal.  Did he really do the flip?  I can’t get that down.  We’ve tried.”

 

“When you feel up to it come see me.  We’ll grab Pepper and Nat, I’ll teach you.”

 

“Really?”  Bucky chuckles at the look that comes over his face.

 

“Yeah really.  Now come on. Let’s get out there for cake and ice cream before Steve eats it all.  He’s got a nasty sweet tooth.”  Fitz laughs and helps Bucky get everything to the living room.

 

Bucky sets everything down then grabs a spot on the couch.  He pulls Steve into his lap and kisses his temple.  Steve snuggles in for a second and whispers to him.   Bucky whispers back and Steve kisses him.   Everyone just rolls their eyes.  Phil grabs the knife to cut the cake.  Bucky puts a hand on his wrist.

 

“Steve’s got to blow out candles first, Coulson.”

 

“No, I really don’t.  I don’t have anything to wish for this year.  Steve says kissing him and shifting slightly.

 

“Steve.”  Bucky says quietly.

 

“Get a room you two.”  Tony calls from across the room.

 

Steve just cups Bucky’s cheek then kisses him.  Bucky rests their foreheads together and whispers something to Steve.  He nods then tells Phil to put a candle on the cake.  But he insists it only be one.  Phil does so then lights it.  Steve closes his eyes waits a second then blows the candle out. 

 

Everyone grabs a slice of cake while Pepper starts unboxing all the gifts.  Steve tells everyone they went overboard then realizes most of them are from Bucky.  He glances over and arches a brow.  Bucky hides his face in Steve’s neck. 

 

“Buck, this past weekend was more than enough.”  Steve says, but his tone is light and Bucky doesn’t think he sounds all that upset.  But then Steve has always loved getting presents.

 

He opens everyone else’s first.  It’s art supplies from Pepper and Tony.  Natasha gets him some records, he’s surprised they’re not ones he lost, but others she knows he’s been wanting.  Clint just gives him a card.  He tries to say the albums are from him too, but Nat glares at him.  He explains his gift is still on the way, or they could consider the sixty bucks his gift.  Steve tells him it’s fine, to not worry about it.  Then shakes his head.  Phil’s team go with a group gift.  A parachute with the shield on top.  Bucky wonders what that’s all about.  Skye’s starts to explain but they all shush her.

“Someone’s going to explain it to me.”  Bucky says glaring around the room.

 

“Your boy jumps out of planes without a parachute.  Or so we hear.”  Tripp says.

 

“You do what?  Why the hell wou…. Steve, no more all right.  Not anymore.”  Bucky finishes quietly, once the reason dawns on him.  Steve nods and kisses him softly.

 

“Okay.  I promise.”  Steve whispers to him.

 

“Steve, here open this one, it’s from Peggy.”  Sam says passing him a small box.  He opens the wrapping carefully. Inside is a velvet box and a note.  He sets it aside and tells everyone he’s going to open it the rest of the way later.  From Sam, Steve gets another notebook, for all the things he wants to do now, Sam says with a nod toward Bucky.  When everyone asks why the gift is so small.  Sam simply says Cap knows why.  To Steve’s surprise no one questions it.

 

He goes to move to the box from Bucky and stops at the thing laying on top.  It’s not wrapped.  He looks at Bucky then back at the box.  He gets up and goes into the other room, taking the item with him.  Pepper goes to follow but Bucky shakes his head and goes himself instead.  He finds Steve sitting at the foot of the bed staring at what’s in his hands.

 

“You all right?”

 

“I thought… They blew it up and put it in the Smithsonian exhibit.”

 

“I know.  Steve, you okay?”  Bucky asks crouching down so he’s in front of him.

 

“Get everyone out of here.  I just…”  Bucky kisses his forehead and nods.

 

Steve hears Bucky go out into the living room and tell them the party’s over.  He promises them all they’ll stay through breakfast.  Sam offers to stay but Steve hears Bucky tell him he’s got this. Sam just tells him he knows where to find him.  He hears Pepper saying something to him and him telling her it’s not her fault.  He makes note to tell her that himself tomorrow morning.  Then the door finally closes.  Bucky’s back in the bedroom seconds later.

 

“C’mere.”  Bucky says to him.  He shakes his head and stays where he is.

 

“Steve, what’s going on in your head?”  Bucky asks.

 

“Nothing.  It’s nothing.  I’m gonna go take a shower.”

 

Bucky knows he should probably follow him, but he also knows Steve’s been wonderful about giving him space when he needs it.  He decides it’s time to return the favor.  He fixes the covers and climbs into bed.  He settles and is about to drift off when he realizes the shower hasn’t even started.  He gets up to poke his head in and Steve comes out and just goes to him and curls into him even though they’re standing up.

 

“I want to go home.  I know Pepper said she wants us to stay but Buck, I just want to go home.”

 

“Steve.  Go talk to Sam.”

 

“I don’t need to talk to Sam.”  Steve says angrily.

 

“Yeah, you do. “  Bucky says, calmly.

 

“No, really Buck, I don’t.  You know what I’m going for a walk.”  Steve says turning on his heel to head out of the apartment.

 

“Might want to put on a shirt first, Captain.”

 

Steve stops at the door and just hangs his head.  Bucky comes up and wraps his arms around him from behind and then Steve turns into the embrace curling up again, or trying to despite them standing.  Bucky moves them so they’re lying on the couch with Steve curled on top of him.  He cards his left hand through Steve’s hair

 

“Sorry.  I don’t know what’s going on.  I can’t explain it.  Seeing that picture just threw me.  I don’t know why.  We were so happy, I mean we were in the middle of what we thought was hell and you and I still managed to beam at each other.  It wasn’t supposed to be like this, Buck.”

 

“I know.  But I’m choosing to focus on the fact that even with all the shit they’ve thrown at us we’ve still managed to come out of it on top, cause we’re together.”

 

“Yeah.  Didn’t mean to snap.”  Steve says dropping a kiss on Bucky’s chest.

 

“Did you, hadn’t noticed.”  Steve leans up for a kiss, which Bucky gladly gives.

 

“I’m going to have to apologize to everyone for ruining the party.”

 

“It was your party.  Besides I think everyone figured it out.”  Bucky says kissing him again.

 

“You okay?”  Steve asks.

 

“You’re still upset about earlier.”  Bucky says matter-of-factly.

 

“Worried more than upset.” 

 

“The blackouts, episodes, whatever we’re calling them these days, were really bad when I was in Brooklyn and Washington.  And they lasted for weeks.  Washington was almost a month.  I recognized the signs once things calmed down in my head.  It was bad Steve, I….  You know how you do stupid shit cause you didn’t want to be here if I wasn’t?”  Steve nods and Bucky continues.

 

“I tried to get the arm to go off in Brooklyn.  Abbi found me curled up on the floor sobbing because it wouldn’t.  Poor thing had no idea what to do.  I made her promise to never tell anyone I was there.  It was my one moment of clarity where I knew who I was.  I knew you….  I thought you were dead, I wanted to be too.  She was scared out of her mind.  I made her leave.  Screamed at her to get out.  Should probably apologize to her for it.  They didn’t give me the chance.”  Steve hugs Bucky a little tighter.

 

“What about Washington?”  Steve asks, voice barely above a whisper.

 

“It was so much worse. I had panic attacks, bad ones.  Ones where I couldn’t move from the bed unless I had to.  The paranoia was awful.  I wouldn’t let myself sleep for fear they were going to come after me.  I didn’t know how far your take down had gone.  Plus I knew Von Strucker wasn’t there.  I knew you hadn’t managed to stop him.  And then there was the fear that you’d decide I wasn’t worth saving.  I knew what I’d done to you.  I’d gotten enough back to know that what you’d said on the helicarrier wasn’t the whole truth, the Smithsonian confirmed it. I knew I had loved you.  Knew you’d loved me.  Wasn’t so sure about now.  It’s why I got so upset when you didn’t say it back.  I figured my fears had been confirmed.  That you couldn’t love what they’d turned me into.   I had Pepper get me the picture because I could tell there we were in love. I’ve had it pretty much since I came to New York.  Pepper just got a frame for it.   It’s what made me realize what my head was telling me was true.  I **_knew_ ** even if I didn’t know anything else was right, I knew that was.  I knew I loved you then.  Things would get bad here and I could pull it out if you weren’t around and look at it and remind myself.  If you don’t want to keep it we don’t have to.”  Steve puts a finger to Bucky’s lips then kisses him.

 

“I want to keep it.” Bucky goes in for another kiss, which Steve meets him half way to give.

 

“What happened before you came to me?”  Steve asks, he’s not sure he wants to know, but Bucky’s willing to talk about it so he feels like he should let him.

 

Bucky’s quiet for a long time.  Steve feels like he should tell him to forget it.  That it doesn’t matter.  That he can have that to himself.  But then Bucky snuggles into him, even though he’s on top of him.  Steve brushes Bucky’s hair out of his eyes.  Whispers ‘I love you’ then kisses him.

 

“You don’t have to tell me.”

 

“I had everything coming back in flashes.  They got to be too much sometimes.  I tried the arm again, but I couldn’t do it.  Turns out that’s because Pierce put a failsafe in.  Someone else has to arm it, like Tony did that day in the lab.  When that didn’t work I starved myself for two weeks.  I thought about other ways but couldn’t bring myself to do it.  It’s why I came to you when I did.  I’d finally gotten the nerve to try one of the other ways.”  Bucky finishes quietly.

 

“Buck.  Oh Buck.”  Steve says squeezing him tight.

 

“We’ve got to move to the bed.”  Bucky says quietly.  Steve nods and gets up taking Bucky by the hand back into the bedroom.

 

Bucky pulls Steve into him as soon as he hits the bed then buries his face in Steve’s shoulder.  Steve wants to roll over and face him but doesn’t ask to.  He knows this is what Bucky needs more.  He smiles when Bucky kisses the back of his neck and releases his hold a bit.  Steve shifts so he’s on his back.  He reaches up brushes the hair out of Bucky’s eyes then kisses him softly.

 

“I love you.  I loved you even on the bridge and the helicarrier.  I will always want to save you.  Always.”  Steve says and kisses him again.

 

“Sam said you wouldn’t listen to him when he warned you about me before the helicarrier.”  Bucky says quietly.

 

“Nope.  Told him you’d know me.  It’s why I ‘borrowed’ the original uniform from the Smithsonian.  I wanted you to be able to recognize me.  You always said you wanted me to keep the outfit.”

 

“I was joking Steve.”  Bucky says a smile in his voice.

 

“Uh huh sure you were.”  Steve says kissing him.

 

“Punk.”  Bucky says snuggling into Steve.  Steve just holds him tight.

 

“You believe me right, about the always saving you?”  Steve asks.

 

“Yeah.  So there’s cake and ice cream left.” 

 

“I know what you’re doing, and because it’s been a rough couple of days I’m going to let you.”  Steve says getting out of bed.

 

“C’mere.”  Bucky says pulling him back in.

 

“Buck?”

 

“Not yet. Hold me?”  Bucky says quietly.  It’s then that Steve realizes what he’s actually been doing and kicks himself.

 

“Yeah.  Yeah.  I love you, jerk.”  Steve curls himself around Bucky and kisses his neck.

 

“I am so wiped out.”  Bucky whispers.

 

“You want to sleep go ahead.”

 

“No.  It’s not going to help.”

 

“What do you need?”  Steve asks running his hand over Bucky’s lower arm.

 

Bucky doesn’t say anything.  He rolls over, buries himself in Steve and squeezes a little tighter than he probably should.  Steve runs his hand up and down his back and starts whispering to him that he loves him.  He kisses the top of his head a few times.  Bucky rolls back over and snuggles in again.

 

“Better?”  Steve asks with a chuckle.

 

Bucky just leans back to kiss him.  Steve kisses back, then shifts so Bucky’s laying down on his back.  Bucky arches a brow, but then Steve kisses him senseless and when they part Bucky’s positively beaming back at him.  Steve shifts over a bit then pats the mattress next to him.  Bucky goes back into Steve’s arms and drifts off to sleep.  Steve watches him sleep for a bit then kisses his neck and tries to sleep himself.

 

 


	37. Chapter Thirty Seven

Steve wakes sometime during the night with a shake.  Bucky’s sprawled out away from him on his stomach.  Steve rolls so he’s close to him and tries to go back to sleep.  About half an hour later he gives up and goes to get out of bed.  Bucky reaches out and pulls Steve to him.  Steve tries again to get up and Bucky just holds him tighter.

 

“Buck, let me up.”

 

“Stay, Stevie.  It’s too cold for you to get out of….” Bucky shakes his head to clear it then blinks at Steve.

 

“Hi.”  Bucky says brushing the hair out of Steve’s eyes.

 

“You okay?”

 

“Dreaming about before.  What about you?”

 

“Nightmare.  Was gonna get up to sketch a bit.”

 

“Steve.”  Bucky says suddenly concerned.

 

“It’s nothing.”  He says trying to brush it off.

 

“We can go home now if you want.  Just leave a note in the kitchen.”

 

“No.  The subway’s not running.  Besides we still need to pack.  I’m fine.”  Steve says, but even to him he doesn’t sound fine.  Bucky knows it too.

 

“I think you should go through the rest of the box.  It’ll cheer you up.”

 

“Oh really?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Steve pecks him on the lips then gets out of bed.  He takes Bucky’s hand and helps him out.  Then leads him into the living room and pushes him onto the couch before sitting between his legs.  Bucky kisses his neck then his shoulder before kissing his temple.  Steve sighs before reaching into the box. 

 

It’s filled with things from their apartment before the war; things Steve thought he’d lost.  He glances back at Bucky who just smiles.  He finds things of his mother’s he’d tried to get back from the Smithsonian and they’d said they couldn’t find. At the bottom Steve feels something he thought for sure was lost forever.  He riffles through the box pulling everything out to get to it.  He pulls it out and doesn’t even bother holding back the sob. Bucky shifts so he can hold him and rests his chin over his shoulder.

 

“They told me it’d been lost.  That they couldn’t find it.  Said it hadn’t been in the apartment to be part of the exhibit or the artifacts they kept.  Fury said that if it wasn’t there then there wasn’t anything he could do.  Tony checked through what Howard had kept.  It was gone.”

 

“They’d miscataloged it somehow.  It got put with my things.  When Pepper got them to release what’s in the box and some of my things we found it.  I didn’t want you to see it first.  I had a feeling this might happen.”

 

“Momma said he bought it before he went to war for me to have.  Said he was gonna wrap me up in it and carry me around the house.  Said he was going to walk me down the street wrapped in it and show me off to anyone who would let him.”  Steve says quietly, clearly lost in the memory.

 

“I’ve seen you as a baby, everyone would have let him.”  Bucky says kissing his shoulder.

 

“You’re biased.”  Steve says.

 

“Am not.  Okay maybe a little but can you blame me?”

 

“Suppose not.”

 

“I was talking to Pepper she said she’s got someone who could frame it for you.  To keep it safe.”

 

“Yeah.  We probably should.  I suppose.  I dunno.”  Steve says out of it still.  Bucky just holds him.

 

He continues going through the box and smiles at the things he finds.  He moves onto the next one and just turns around and glares at Bucky.  Bucky looks down and then kisses his shoulder.  Steve runs his fingers through Bucky’s hair so he’ll look at him.

 

“I told you, you didn’t have to replace them.”

 

“I wanted to.  You loved all of those.  They were some of your favorites before.  I just wanted you to have them back.  Please don’t be mad.  It was….”  Steve kisses him.

 

“I’m not mad.  Just promise me you didn’t threaten anyone get the stuff back from the Smithsonian.”

 

“Didn’t have to.  The guard there figured out who I was when I was going every single day.  He got me the box of my stuff the baby blanket was in.  Pepper took care of getting your stuff.  It’s her birthday present to you.  I just got you the records.  The picture’s from me though.  I wanted us to have it.  I thought we could put a shelf up in Brooklyn and put it out.  Maybe take a few of us now.  It’s stupid.”

 

“No it’s not.  It’s perfect.  We can put a bear at each end.  Then the pictures in the middle.”   Steve says kissing him again.

 

“We’re being saps again.”  Bucky says with a smile.

 

“Don’t care.”  Steve says leaning back into him.

 

“Love you, punk.”

 

“Love you too.  Back to bed?”

 

“Nah, let’s just stay here and cuddle.”

 

Steve snuggles in and turns onto his side so Bucky can shift behind him.  They’re both asleep within minutes.  Steve shakes awake and cries out this time.  Bucky just holds him tighter and kisses the back of his neck.  Steve hears him murmuring something in his sleep to him but he can’t make it out.  Steve eases himself off the couch and heads for the lab. 

 

“Hey, Capsi… Steve what’s wrong and don’t you dare tell me nothing.”  Tony says when he arrives.

 

“Nightmare.  I keep seeing the train.  And then I can’t reach him.  Then I get him back and I still can’t.  Or I find him and he's... I'm too late.”

 

“You want a drink?”  Tony asks.  He's out of his depth, but he can at least offer Steve a drink.

 

“I shouldn’t.  I really shouldn’t.”  Steve says as Tony pours.  Steve realizes it’s his special concoction and shakes his head.

 

He tells himself he’s only going to have one.  He ends up having three.  Tony has JARVIS call Bucky.  Bucky arrives to find Steve curled up on the couch almost asleep.  He arches a brow at Tony and then helps Steve to his feet.  Steve tells him he’s got pretty eyes and a kissable mouth, a very kissable mouth.  Bucky chuckles then gets him into the elevator. 

 

“Come on pal, back to bed you go.” Steve slumps against him and kisses the hollow of his throat.

 

“I reached you.”  Steve says kissing his neck.  Bucky just makes a mental note to ask JARVIS what’s going on once he’s got Steve back to bed. 

 

“You always do.”  He says kissing the top of his head.

 

“Nope.”  Steve says popping the ‘p’ and shaking his head.  He sounds incredibly sad and Bucky hates it.

 

“Steve.”  Bucky says holding him a little tighter.

 

Steve just snuggles into his arms more and kisses the hollow of his neck.  They reach their floor and Bucky gets him inside the apartment.  Then he sits Steve in the chair before fixing the couch cushions onto the floor. Steve starts laughing and mumbles about it being the ‘perfect night for a blanket fort.’  Bucky just rolls his eyes and curses Tony for letting Steve drink.  Steve’s quiet once they’ve settled and Bucky thinks he’s fallen asleep until he feels him shake slightly.

 

“You all right, punk?”  Bucky asks.

 

“No.  Bucky we gotta go home.”  Steve says quietly.

 

“Talk to me.  What can I do?”

 

“I keep… I can’t… I couldn’t…”

 

“JARVIS, you want to translate this all for me?”

 

“Captain Rogers had a nightmare.  Not being able to reach you when you fell off the train and then during your episodes.  Or so he told Tony.  Tony then gave him alcohol, the special brew.”

 

“I got that part.  Thanks.”

 

“Stevie, listen to me.  You couldn’t have reached me after the train.  There was no way.  And you’re what gets me through the episodes.  Having you nearby.  Holding me telling me I’m safe and loved is what gets me through those.  Always.” Bucky says tipping his chin up to kiss him.

 

“Buck.”  Steve says a little breathless when they part.

 

“Hmmm?”

 

“Love you.

 

“Love you too.”  Bucky looks down to see Steve sleeping.

 

Bucky watches him sleep for a while.  He shakes awake again and Bucky rubs his back and kisses him.  Steve curls up on top of Bucky and begs him not to leave him.  Bucky promises he won’t.  He asks Steve what the dream was about and all Steve can tell him is he found him but he was too late.  Bucky curses himself for telling Steve what had gone through his head.  Bucky promises him it’s not going to happen.  Steve falls back into a fitful sleep.

 

When Steve wakes again it’s to Bucky singing to him.  He kisses Bucky’s chest and shifts so Bucky can hold him.  Bucky brushes the hair out of his eyes and kisses him again.  Bucky wraps himself around Steve and tells him he’s there.  He promises him he’s not going anywhere.  He tells him he loves him over and over. Steve smiles as he falls back to sleep.  This time when Steve dreams it’s of his old self being surrounded by Bucky and feeling nothing but safe and loved.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is really short. It probably sucks. Feel free to say so.


	38. Chapter Thirty Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one in which Steve sleeps A LOT. You may all feel free to skip if you'd like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I debated posting this chapter, only because Steve literally sleeps through almost the entire thing. But in the end I decided to post it because you get Bucky cuddling Steve and remembering things. And Steve being cranky and sassy (at least that's how I want the lines to come off). So I hope you all enjoy and I promise better stuff next chapter.

Steve wakes the next morning disoriented.  How did he get onto the couch cushions?  He shakes his head to clear it and then remembers.  Bucky squeezes him slightly and kisses the top of his head.  Steve leans up for a real kiss.  He goes to get up and Bucky just keeps him where he is.  He chuckles but snuggles back into his previous spot.  He falls back to sleep as Bucky runs his fingers through his hair.

 

He wakes again in bed.  He can smell coffee and pancakes.  He pads out to the kitchen to find Bucky making breakfast.  He goes up and wraps himself around him from behind and kisses each of his shoulders as well as between his shoulder blades.  Bucky arches into it.  He sets the pan on the stove and turns to face Steve.  Then he cups his cheek and kisses him.

 

“Morning.”  Steve says pecking him on the lips.

 

“Go back to bed.”  Bucky says.  It’s then Steve spots the tray.  He smiles and does so with another peck to Bucky’s lips.

 

Bucky follows him in and puts the tray across his lap. Then he goes and grabs their coffee.  He leaves one more time and comes back with his own plate.  Steve rests his head on Bucky’s shoulder then closes his eyes.  Bucky shakes him gently. 

 

“Pancakes are gonna either get eaten or cold.”  Bucky says teasing him, even as he’s shifting so he can hold Steve.

 

“Sleepy.”  Steve says through a yawn.

 

“All right hang on.”  Bucky says as he moves to put the tray into the kitchen.  He comes back to find Steve wrapped around his pillow almost asleep.

 

”Move over punk.” Bucky says.  Steve groans in protest.  Calls it his spot and shifts to get more comfortable.

 

“That so.  Fine.  I’ll just go shower.”  Bucky says turning towards the bathroom.  Steve’s hand reaches out and grips his left wrist. 

 

“Hold me.”  Steve says.

 

Bucky gets into bed and curls himself around Steve.  Steve sighs happily then rolls so he can rest his head on Bucky’s chest.  Bucky smiles and kisses the top of his head.  He’s suddenly hit with a memory of Steve having a night like the previous one when he was small.  There’s ice on the window so Bucky can tell it's winter and Steve’s shivering beside him.  Telling him he’s scared of dying.  In the memory Bucky’s promising him it’s not going to happen that he’s going to figure out a way to get him medicine.  The memory fades and he squeezes Steve in the present and kisses the top of his head again.

 

“Buck?”  Steve asks sleepily.

 

“Just remembering.  Go back to sleep.”  Steve looks up at him then leans up to kiss him.

 

“Love you.”  He says before resting his head on Bucky’s chest again.

 

“Love you too.”

 

Steve wakes at noon to find Bucky sitting up reading on one of Tony’s tablets. He kisses Bucky’s stomach and shifts to sit up.  Bucky shifts so he can wrap an arm around Steve’s shoulder and Steve rests his head on his shoulder.  He fights to keep his eyes open and can’t. He can hear Bucky asking JARVIS to get Bruce.  He wants to wake up and tell Bucky not to worry that he’s fine but Bucky makes the perfect pillow.

 

Bruce arrives and Steve wakes this time to the prick of a needle and his blood being drawn.  He hears Bruce tell Bucky he’ll have the results in a little while.  Bruce says that it’s probably nothing.  That between what happened the other day and Tony’s special brand of alcohol Steve probably just needs a day to recharge.  He can tell by the tone of Bucky’s grunt he’s not buying it for a second.  Bruce tries to be reassuring; tells Bucky to not worry, Steve knows there’s no chance of that.  Bucky confirms it,

 

“Not happening Banner.  Too many years of taking care of him when he was sick.  Make sure you test that shit Stark gave him too.”

 

“Planned on it.  I’ll let you know when I have the results.”

 

“Thanks.”  Bucky puts the tablet on the stand then shifts Steve so he’s laying down.  He kisses his temple then gets out of bed.

 

“Buck, stay.”  Steve says, and Bucky’s hit with another memory of when he was sick.  He’s immediately back in bed.

 

“I’m right here.  You feel alright?  Bruce asked, I couldn’t tell him.”

 

“Just really tired.  Like I haven’t slept in days.  I’m scaring you aren’t I?”

 

“I keep getting memories back of before.  You being sick.  I just want to know you’re okay.”

 

“Mkay I’m going to take another nap.  Love you.”  Steve says snuggling in again.

 

Steve wakes again alone in bed.  He can hear everyone in the living room talking.  Bucky and Tony seem to be yelling at each other.  He gets up and goes into the living room.  Nat comes over and sits him down on the couch then sits next to him.  Bruce comes over to feel his forehead.  He bats him away.

 

“I’m just exhausted.  Which given everything that’s happened the last few days is normal.  I’m human you know.  Not a robot.  I need time to recharge just like everyone else.  I had cracked ribs.  Or has everyone forgotten that because I healed up so fast.  Now everyone get the hell out.”  Steve snaps.

 

“Note to self, do not get between Cap and his naps.  He turns into a nasty old man.”  Clint jokes as he leaves.

 

Pepper smiles at him and drags Tony and Bruce out.  Everyone else files out of the room.  Bucky bringing up the rear.  He’s almost out the door when he hears Steve tell him he didn’t mean him quietly.  Bucky closes the door then goes over and crouches down in front of him.  He looks at him for a few seconds before helping him stand.  He then sits on the couch himself before pulling Steve into his lap.

 

“God, I wish I could keep my eyes open for more than five minutes.  I want to go home. I don’t mind you fussing over me.  I like it, truth be told.  Feels normal.  Everyone else is annoying.”  Steve says curling more into Bucky’s lap.

 

“Bruce brought the results back.  Apparently, we can’t leave the shit Stark made up for you laying around.  He thinks that mixed with everything else you went through, the ribs, me throwing you around, the slight concussion, is what’s making you so exhausted.  He said you should be fine tomorrow.”  Bucky says kissing his temple.

 

“See.  Nothing to worry about.  Now can we either stretch out or go back to bed?”  Steve says as he rests his head on Bucky’s shoulder.

 

“Let me shift a bit.  We’ll just stretch out here.  You okay with… Steve?”  Bucky smiles and kisses his temple.  Bucky stretches out while trying to not jostle Steve too much.  Steve shifts and lays on top of him mumbling out a ‘love you.’  Bucky smiles and rests his head on arm of the couch. 

 

Bucky tries to sleep but the memories keep coming.  Steve sick and shivering next to him.  Working to get medicine for Steve.  Coming home to find Steve burning up.  If it was just the memories Bucky thinks he could handle it.  But it’s not; the fear comes too.  He holds Steve tighter and Steve just snuggles in more.  Steve kisses over his heart and runs his hand up and down Bucky’s arm.  Bucky looks down expecting to find Steve awake.  He’s not.  Bucky smiles when another memory comes to him, Steve soothing him in the same way when he was small.  Bucky kisses the top of his head and shifts slightly to get comfortable.  He tries to sleep again.

 

Bucky wakes to Steve climbing off him.  He helps steady him, as he’s still half asleep.  Steve collapses back into him and mumbles about being hungry but too tired to care.  Bucky smiles and helps Steve to bed.  He’s about to make a sandwich when Steve shoots his hand out and takes Bucky’s.  Steve gives it a slight tug and Bucky lays back down.  He has JARVIS ask someone to bring Steve something to eat.

 

“How is he?”  Sam asks a few moments later coming into the bedroom.

 

“I don’t know.  Says he’s just exhausted. But he can’t keep his eyes open for more than a few seconds.  Look have Jemma run tests on the sample would you.  Make sure she sees Bruce’s results.  He never slept this much even when he was sick.  He’d be tired but able to keep his eyes open.”

 

“I’ll take care of it.  You look like you need some air.  Want me to sit with him?”

 

“No.  I’m fine.  I’m not leaving him.”

 

“Buck?  Oh hi Sam.”

 

“Hey Steve.  I’ve got to run.  Bucky you know where to find me.  I’ll have Jemma do the thing.”

 

“You can leave me alone you know.  I’m just sleeping.  Go for a run with Sam or something.  Honestly, Buck, I’m fine.”  Steve says.

 

“I could but I’m not going to.  Sam brought you a sandwich if you want it.”  Bucky says trying to keep his voice even.  He doesn’t need Steve knowing how worried he is.

 

“He didn’t have to do that.”  Steve says even as he devours half of it in seconds.  He finishes the sandwich and then curls back into Bucky’s side.

 

“You okay, jerk?”  Steve asks, and even to himself something sounds not right.  He pushes it to the back of his mind though.

 

“Yeah, fine punk.”  Bucky says kissing his forehead.  He knows he doesn’t sound fine.  Knows Steve knows it too, he just hopes Steve doesn’t call him on it.

 

“What did Bruce say that has you wanting Jemma to run the tests?”

 

“Nothing.  I just want a second opinion.  This isn’t like you.  Even before you never had days where you could barely stay awake because your body was fighting so hard.  I’m….”  Steve puts a finger on his lips then kisses his chest before getting up out of bed.

 

Steve makes it as far as just after the nightstand before he’s asking Bucky for help.  Bucky gets him into the bathroom and waits.  Steve comes back out and he looks better than he did when he went in.  Bucky figures that’s something.  Steve bypasses the bed and the couch and heads into the kitchen.  He grabs the coffee pot and sets about making coffee.  He then leans against the counter and pulls Bucky to him and kisses him softly.

 

“Buck, I’m fine.  I promise.”  Steve says kissing him again.

 

“I know.  I do, or I would if I didn’t have my head remembering every time you were sick.”  Bucky says looking down at their clasped hands.

 

“That must be awful.  I remember what it was like for you the first time around.  I used to have to kick you out the door those days.  You never wanted to leave me.  You always said you were afraid I’d break something or try to cook and burn the place down.”

 

“You know that wasn’t the real reason right?”  Bucky asks cupping his cheek.

 

“Course I do.  Knew it then too.  Remind me again why we thought we were fooling anyone, much less ourselves?”

 

“Don’t know.  Coffee’s done you know.”  Bucky says, pulling Steve even closer.

 

“I know.  It’ll keep for a second.”  Steve says leaning in more and wrapping his arms around Bucky’s neck.  He’s about to kiss Bucky when there’s a knock then the door opening.

 

“I knocked.  I want it known I knocked.”  Tony says coming into the apartment.

 

“Yes you did.  Good boy.”  Bucky says turning to face him.  He lets Steve go and goes to see what Tony wants.

 

“Hey Grandpa, where’s Capsicle?”

 

“ ** _Captain Rogers_** , is right here Mr. Stark.  What can I do for you?”  Steve says and Bucky has to fight the urge to burst out laughing.

 

“I came to see how you were.  Bruce says it’s my fault you can’t keep your eyes open.  Says if I come apologize and swear I had no idea this was going to happen, which I didn’t by the way, that it might go a long way with the zombie assassin boyfriend.”  Tony says.

 

“You were doing so well, Stark.  Then you insulted my man and called him a zombie assassin.  I’m going to have to kick your ass now.  With a hand tied behind my back.”

 

“A little help here, Grandpa.”  Tony says, turning to Bucky, at the look on Steve’s face.

 

“Get out Tony.”  Steve says turning and heading out onto the balcony.

 

“You heard the man.  He’s fine.  Wasn’t your fault.  Not really.  I don’t blame you and we all know I’m the one you have to worry about.”  Bucky says pushing Tony towards the door then opening it and shutting it in his face.

 

Bucky finds Steve sitting with his feet against the railing.  His eyes are closed and Bucky’s sure he’s fallen asleep.  Steve shoots his hand out and pulls Bucky into his lap then kisses his neck once Bucky’s settled.  He cards his fingers through Bucky’s bangs before kissing him.  Bucky moans into the kiss when he realizes how hard Steve is.

 

“I was thinking.”  Steve says shifting slightly.

 

“I’m sure you were.  And while I’d never be one to turn you… well…. I mean….”  Steve kisses him again.

 

“Buck, I was thinking we should go home.  I’m so done with this tower you have no idea.”  Steve says kissing him again.  His voice has an edge to it and Bucky tries not to let it worry him.

 

“Let me just call Jemma and let her know, all right.  You go pack our stuff.  Meet you at the door in ten?”

 

“Sounds perfect.”  Steve kisses him one more time before letting him up.

 

Bucky heads for the common room.  He finds everyone talking about Steve and has to stamp down the anger he suddenly feels.  They all stop talking when they realize he’s in the room.  Jemma’s there with Phil and the rest of her team.  He tries not to worry, but given everything he’s heard snippets of he’s concerned.

 

“Simmons what have you got?  Bruce said it was just a bad reaction to Tony’s brand of alcohol.”

 

“It was.  I’m just a little concerned because there are levels that seem to be off.  I’d like to get a fresh sample and run the tests again.  But I know how Steve feels about being poked and prodded.  I know he doesn’t like to feel like a lab rat.  So I was simply asking everyone for ideas.  I should have just come to you both.  I’m sorry.”

 

“Come on, it’s you, he might not mind it so much.  The rest of you go find things to do would you.  He gets up here and sees this he’s just going to be pissed.”  Bucky says as he walks Jemma to the elevator.

 

Steve’s waiting for him on the couch when he gets back.  Their bags are by the door as are the boxes.  Jemma takes Steve into the bedroom and comes back out shaking her head grimacing.  Bucky thanks her and heads into the bedroom.  Steve is pacing and when he turns to Bucky he’s downright glaring like he used to when Bucky would finish his fights for him.

 

“What about I got thrown into walls and had bad alcohol don’t… no you know what don’t bother.  I’m going home.  You can stay here I don’t care.”  Steve says storming past him.  He makes it as far as the doorway before Bucky’s in front of him.

 

“What about I **_can’t_** lose you again don’t you get?  What about this has done nothing but give me back **_every_** memory I have of you barely make it through a winter do you not understand?  I get it you know, you don’t like being treated like a science experiment.  But I need to know that this really is just a case of your body healing and having had bad alcohol.  It’s one more test, Steve, just one.  **_Please_**.”  Steve doesn’t say anything he pushes past him and out the door.  Bucky just stays where he is and hangs his head.

 

“Bucky?”  JARVIS says quietly.

 

“What?”

 

“I thought you’d like to know Captain Rogers and Ms. Simmons are down in the lab.” 

 

“Thanks.”  Bucky says letting out a breath he didn’t even know he’d been holding.  He heads towards the door then stops at what suddenly comes into the living room.

 

“I feel awful.  I shouldn’t have gotten angry with him.  He already told me it was bringing stuff back.”

 

“I’m sure Bucky understands.  All done.” 

 

“How long till you get the results?”  Bucky hears Steve ask, and to him he still sounds upset.

 

“About an hour.  Fitz and I are going to do it together.  I really am sure it’s nothing.  You’re probably right.  In which case I’ll have to figure out something to make this up to you.”

 

“No, you really won’t.  But if you’re going to insist, which it looks like you’re about to, you and Fitz can come to Brooklyn some night for dinner.”

 

“I’d like that.  Fitz probably would too.  Now get out of the lab so I can run this test.”

 

Steve’s back at the apartment a few minutes later.  Bucky just pulls him in for a kiss the second he gets in the door.  Steve moans into it and kicks the door closed.  Bucky lifts Steve off the floor and Steve wraps himself around Bucky not even breaking the kiss.  Soon they’re falling on the couch still kissing.  They pull away from each other and Steve rests his forehead against Bucky’s. 

 

“I’m sorry.  Forgive me?”  Steve asks quietly.

 

“As long as you forgive me.”  Bucky says just as quietly.  Steve leans down and kisses him again then mumbles an ‘always’ against his lips before going in for another kiss.

 


	39. Chapter Thirty Nine

Steve pulls away and shifts so he can curl up on Bucky’s lap.  He rests his head on Bucky’s shoulder and starts to play with the hair at the nape of Bucky’s neck. He kisses up the side of Bucky’s neck and smiles at the shiver that goes through him.  Steve can feel how hard Bucky is.  He shifts again so he’s sitting back in Bucky’s lap and kisses him messily.  Bucky pulls away and looks at him with a smirk. 

 

“You did this when you were small.  Once we started fooling around.”  Steve just beams at him.

 

Bucky doesn’t let him respond.  He surges in for another kiss and picks Steve up, not breaking the kiss.  He guides them into the bedroom and then turns so he falls onto the bed with Steve on top of him.  Steve pulls away and Bucky reaches up with his left hand and cups his head to pull him back in for another kiss.

 

“Sirs.”   JARVIS interrupts.  Bucky growls in frustration and Steve just bangs his head against Bucky’s chest.  Bucky smiles at the fact it seems like he’s trying to do it against his left shoulder.

 

“What?”  Steve snaps.

 

“I’ll just let Ms. Simmons know you’re otherwise engaged.”  JARVIS says.

 

Bucky barks out a laugh and goes in for a kiss.  Steve smiles and kisses him before getting off him.  Bucky pulls him back into his lap and kisses him again.  Steve tries to get up again but then Bucky kisses down his neck and Steve just moans.  He ruts against Bucky and reaches down to undo Bucky’s pants.  The knock at the door stops Steve in his tracks and he climbs off the bed with a look at Bucky.  Bucky just puts his arms under his head and watches as Steve storms into the living room.

 

“What?”  Steve asks throwing the door open.

 

“Uh, um, you know what forget I was here.”  Bucky hears Phil say.  Steve doesn’t close the door right away though so Bucky gets up and comes into the room.

 

“Phil, what’s up?”  Bucky asks, buttoning his jeans as he does so.

 

“It’s really nothing.  I um….”

 

“I’ll let you two talk.  I’ll go check in with Jemma.  You all right with her giving me the results?”

 

“Of course.”  Steve says kissing him.  Steve waits till the door is closed then turns his attention back to Phil.

 

“All right what’s going on?”

 

“I have no place I can put Wright that’s a safe enough location that someone’s not going to come after him.  I need him alive.  I need to know who is in HYDRA and running the show.”

 

“Where is he right now?”

 

“Riker’s.  It’s not ideal but it was the best I could do on short notice.  Look I can contain him on the plane, get what I need then talk with the President.  But it means the team and I are going to have to leave.  I also wanted to know if there was anything you wanted to know.  I can probably remote Tony in if you’d like.”

 

“I would.  Thanks.  Look about earlier…”  Phil holds up a hand.

“You’re fine Cap.  Really.  But if you feel like you _have_ to make it up to me the original set JARVIS procured arrived.  So if you wouldn’t mind.”

 

“Come on.”  Steve says clapping Phil on the back. 

 

They head up to the common room and Steve gets a sharpie from Pepper.  He sits at the table and smiles when he feels Bucky come over and kiss the top of his head on the way to get coffee.  Steve makes quick work of signing the cards and then heads into the kitchen when he realizes Bucky hasn’t come back.  He finds Bucky leaning against the counter looking more than a little lost.

 

“Bucky?”  Steve says coming over to him.  He goes to take him into his arms and Bucky shrinks away.

 

“Buck, it’s okay.  You’re safe.  I’m right here.”  Steve says soothingly.  Bucky shakes his head and then blinks at Steve.

 

“Shit.  All right what the hell was that?”  Bucky asks. 

 

He knows Steve can’t really give him answer so he just pulls Steve to him.  He buries his face in the crook of Steve’s neck and inhales sharply taking in his scent.  He doesn’t care if Steve suddenly thinks he’s crazy.  Steve just holds him tighter and makes small circles in his back.  He whispers to him that he loves him and Bucky leans in more.  Steve maneuvers them out of the kitchen and over to the loveseat.  Phil arches a brow as they pass and Steve just shrugs.  Phil tells JARVIS to get Jemma.  Seconds later Jemma is crouching down in front of Bucky taking his pulse and talking to him quietly.

 

“I don’t know.  I was just getting coffee.  Then all the sudden it was like I wasn’t here.  I got a flash of something in my head.  Don’t even know what it was.  But then I just froze.  It was that quick.  I’m okay now I think.”  Bucky says leaning into Steve.

 

“Humor me and go cuddle with Steve would you.  And I know you don’t need to.  But your heart rates more rapid than I’m comfortable with.”  Jemma says when Bucky opens his mouth to protest.

 

“Like they need an excuse to cuddle.”  Tony says coming into the room.

 

“Stark, lay off.”  Jemma says angrily.  Tony just gives her an impressed look.

 

“Phil, you wanted to see me?”  Tony asks.  Phil just leads him out of the room.  Steve mouths a ‘thank you’ to him.

 

“Come on, jerk.  Let’s go cuddle.”  Steve says pulling Bucky up.

 

“Okay.  Will you hold me?”  Bucky asks once they’re in the elevator.

 

“Course I will.  Whatever you need.”  Steve says kissing his cheek.

 

“What I need is to not suddenly have blackouts while getting coffee.”  Bucky snaps.  Then he looks down at his feet.

 

“And now the anger.  Wonderful.  When are we going home?  Cause there is something about this fucking tower that isn’t good for either one of us.”  Bucky says angrily as they reach the apartment.

 

“Bucky?”  JARVIS says concerned.

 

“Think about it JARVIS.  Steve has nightmares.  I lose any sense of recovery the second we step in here.  I mean yeah this time we had an excuse, what with Wright being HYDRA, but things were off even before that.”

 

“I’ll look into it immediately.”

 

“Thanks.”  Bucky says going into the bedroom.  Steve shuts the door and asks JARVIS to lower the lights. 

 

“Captain Rogers, please know if….”  Steve cuts him off.

 

“JARVIS, I know you and Tony both would have fixed it if you’d known.  And it may not be anything.”

 

“Steve get your ass in here would you.  I’m cranky and want to be held.”  Bucky calls.  Steve chuckles but does as he’s told.

 

He goes in the bedroom to find Bucky pacing.  He would make a crack about not being able to hold him if he’s pacing but the look on his face says he’s more Winter Soldier than Bucky at the moment.  Steve goes over and lays down.  Bucky follows seconds later and pulls Steve to him in a hold that means Steve’s not moving unless Bucky wants him to.  He runs his hand up and down Bucky’s arms and tells him he’s loved and safe.  He notices Bucky’s practically ramrod straight and knows it’s the Soldier he’s dealing with.  He kisses Bucky’s hand a few times and tells him he’s loved.  Bucky tightens his hold.  Steve shifts as much as he can to get comfortable and that seems to snap Bucky out of it enough for him to loosen his hold a fraction.  Steve’s able to roll onto his back.  He reaches up and runs his fingers through Bucky’s hair.  He kisses his chin.  Bucky relaxes more and lets Steve roll so he can hold him.  Bucky snuggles in and inhales Steve’s scent again.  He tries to mask it by kissing Steve’s chest, but Steve knows what he’s doing and chuckles softly.  Bucky looks up and glares.

 

“You used to do that after a hard day at the docks.  Course I used to do that to you too on those days.  It’s a wonder we made it till the night of the expo before making love.  Cause I know I wanted you to….”  Steve blushes.

 

“Fuck you six ways to Sunday?”  Bucky says with a smirk.  Steve just nods and tries to duck his head.

 

“I love the fact that it’s been seventy odd years and you still blush anytime we talk about sex.”  Bucky says kissing him.

 

“Bucky.”  Steve says hiding his head more.

 

“I’m not teasing, Rogers, I’m serious.  Gives me a thrill that I can do that to you.”  Steve leans up and kisses him.

 

“I love you.”  Steve says.

 

“I’m sor…” Steve kisses him again to cut off the apology.

 

“Don’t Buck.  You don’t have to apologize”.

 

“But…”  Steve leans into him and proceeds to kiss him senseless.

 

“Steve.”  Bucky breathes out when he pulls away.

 

“Now that you can do all day.”  Steve says giving his lips little pecks.

 

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but I am so glad you decided I was worth it.”  Bucky says kissing him.

 

“You are.  Always have been.  And besides I’m the lucky one.  I mean I was sick all the time.  Most people would have just decided I wasn’t worth the trouble.  Not you.  And everyone says I’m the stubborn one.  Don’t think I don’t know all those girls hated me tagging along on your dates.”

 

“They just didn’t know what they were missing out on.  I never understood why no one snatched you up.”

 

Steve’s about to answer when there’s a knock on the door then it opens.  Sam comes into the doorway and leans against the jamb.  He just arches a brow at the both of them and waits.  Bucky sticks his tongue out at him and snuggles into Steve more.

 

“I can’t leave you two alone here for a second can I?  I had a date ya know.  Luckily she knows I’m friends with that one.”  Sam says indicating Steve.

 

“Wait, you been holding out on me Wilson?”  Bucky asks.

 

“Maybe, Barnes.”  Sam says with a chuckle.

 

“I feel awful.  They didn’t have to call you.  I had it handled.”  Steve says apologetically.

 

“It’s fine. She’s upstairs.  You actually know her.”

 

“I do?”  Steve asks.

 

“Sharon Carter.  Your old neighbor.  She’s also Peggy’s niece.  That’s why she’s here.  Peggy sent her to check up on the two of you.  Sharon said as soon as the news about Wright hit Peggy went right into SHIELD agent mode.  She sent Sharon up here because the home wouldn’t let her travel.  I’m heading down there tomorrow.  You two gonna be all right?”

 

“We’re going home today so yeah.”  Bucky says with a smile.

 

“Come on, punk let’s go say hello.”

 

“All right.  Oh, what did Jemma say?  Have I got the all clear?”

 

“Yes.  With strict instructions to never drink Tony’s shit unless it’s right after he mixes it.  Apparently given time to ferment it messes with whatever the serum’s done.  Sorry, pal, no more getting drunk for you.”  Bucky says pecking him on the lips.  Steve pouts when Bucky pulls away and he just throws his head back and laughs.

 

They get upstairs and Bucky is impressed Sharon doesn’t immediately go for her gun, which he notes is in a holster on her hip.  She’s chatting with Phil about possibly rejoining SHIELD.  He’s doing his best to convince her, but Bucky suspects she’s not buying it.  Steve goes over to shake her hand and she just pulls him into a hug.

 

“Aunt Peggy’s worried about James.  I’m to give her a full report on both of you.  Though she said she’s fairly sure you’re fine.  She’s also demanding to know how Wright managed to survive the takedown.  That has her more pissed than anything.”

 

“We’re still trying to work that out.  Not surprisingly Wright’s being tightlipped.  We’re moving him to a more secure location in about an hour.  You’re more than welcome to tag along Agent Carter.  You too, Wilson.”  Phil says.

 

“Count me in.  But Sam there has a date with Aunt Peggy.  She says she doesn’t want James or Steve anywhere near Washington.  She’s too worried there’s a HYDRA cell and she knows they’re going to want their….”

 

“Fist of HYDRA is the phrase you’re looking for.”  Bucky says with a shudder.  Steve pulls him into his side and kisses his temple.  Sharon just chuckles and mumbles ‘I’m an idiot’ to herself.

 

“No, you’re not.  He probably was hitting on you and didn’t even realize he was doing it.”  Bucky says with a laugh leaning into Steve.

 

“I was being neighborly.  She had laundry to do.”  Steve says in his own defense.

 

“Neighborly what you’re calling it now, punk.”  Bucky teases.  Steve just turns his face so Bucky’s looking at him then sticks his tongue out at him.  Bucky just kisses him.

 

“Told you you’d be begging them to get a room in five seconds.”  Sam says to Sharon with a smile.

 

“Nah, I think it’s sweet.  And Aunt Peggy’s right, watching the two of them there’s no way you couldn’t know.”

 

“Carter you ready to roll?”  Melinda asks coming into the room.

 

“Of course Agent May.”  She goes and gives Steve another hug then hugs Bucky too.  He tries to not act surprised and fails.

 

“I’m not stupid Sergeant Barnes.  I know for a fact none of what happened would have if you could have prevented it.”  Bucky nods.

 

“Sam, can I talk to you for a minute?”  Bucky asks as Phil and his team file out.

 

“Yeah.  You all right?”  Sam asks as they head for the balcony.

 

“Now.  Do me a favor would you, tell Peggy she can call me Bucky.  And keep an eye on her.  I don’t really want her involved in this, but I know she’s not going to stay out of it.  I don’t know maybe Steve should go with you.  I can go home.  Abbi and I can hang out.  It’ll be like old times.”

 

“Steve shows up with me Peggy will flip.  I’ll go down.  We’ll vid conference.”

 

“All right.  I really don’t want her involved.  I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to her.”

 

“I’ll make sure she stays on the fringe of everything.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

They head back inside to find Steve on the phone.  He doesn’t sound happy.  Bucky realizes he’s on the phone with Peggy.  He’s telling her to stay out of it and using his Captain America tone.  From the way he’s growing more and more exasperated Bucky’s pretty sure she’s not having it.  Steve sees him and hands him the phone.

 

“You talk some sense into her.”  Steve says storming out onto the balcony, Sam hot on his heels.

 

“Peg, it’s Bucky.”

 

“He’s being ridiculous.  This is the most lucid I’ve been in years.  I’m fine.  I don’t need to rest.  I need to figure out what the hell is going on.  Now what’s this I hear Phil Coulson is running the show now?”

 

“Yeah.  Everyone seems to think this is a good thing.  At the very least he’s going to make sure HYDRA doesn’t get their hands on me.  You sure you don’t want Steve down there with you?  He can head down with Sam.”

 

“No, his job is keeping you safe.  President gave him an order.  He damn well better follow it.  I’m fine, James.  I’m not going to leave the home and go out into the field.  I can leave that to Sharon and Coulson.  But I am not going to sit by and allow HYDRA to destroy your life again.  Now, I’ve got to run.  Sharon’s called into the desk.  I’ll talk to you both soon.”

 

“Peg, it’s Bucky from now on.  Talk soon.”  Bucky says hanging up.

 

“I’m going to Washington with Sam.  You’re going back to Brooklyn and keeping an eye on Abbi.”  Steve says coming back inside.

 

“No, we’re going to Brooklyn.  Captain, you have your orders from the President.”

 

“Buck.”  Bucky goes over and pulls Steve into his arms.

 

“Peggy said and I quote, ‘President gave him an order.  He damn well better follow it.’ Now does that sound like Peggy’s not firing on all cylinders?”

 

“No.”  Steve says resting his head on Bucky’s chest.

 

“All right.  I’m off.  I’ll let you guys know when I land.  Steve, I promise you I’m not going to let anything happen to her.”  Steve just nods.

 

“Wilson, wait up.  Nat and I are coming too.”  Clint says duffle bag in hand, arrows over his shoulder.  Nat’s got her own bag slung over her shoulder.

 

Steve smiles at both of them and lets Nat hug him.  She tells him she’ll keep an eye on Peggy.  She whispers something to Bucky then heads out.  Once the three of them are gone Steve starts to pace.  He stops and goes to sit on the arm of the couch then hangs his head.  Bucky’s hit with a memory of Steve doing something similar after Bucky stepped in to help him fight someone.

 

“You’re not backing down you know.”

 

“Right.  I shouldn’t be sitting here babysitting.  I should be out there taking those bastards down.”  Steve says angrily.

 

“Well, if that’s the way you feel I’m sure you can still catch them.”  Bucky says turning towards the elevator.

 

“Shit, Buck, I didn’t….”  Bucky turns back to him and arches a brow.

 

“No, you did.  So go on.  Go play hero.”  Bucky says hitting the elevator button.  The door’s closing behind him before Steve can even move.  Steve punches a hole into the wall.

 


	40. Chapter Forty

Steve takes the elevator down to the apartment and finds it empty.  He goes to the lab and finds Tony, Jane, and Bruce working but Bucky’s not there.  He ignores the look Tony gives him and curses JARVIS in his head, knowing that’s how Tony knows what’s going on.  He finds Bucky in the gym punching the bag.  He watches for a bit admiring the way Bucky moves then goes to spot him.  Bucky stops and turns to head out of the gym.

 

“Thought you had a plane to catch.”  He says as the door swings closed.  Steve races to catch up to him.

 

“Bucky wait.”  Steve calls after him.  Bucky stops and turns towards him.  The look of hurt on his face makes Steve feel like he’s been kicked in the gut.

 

“I didn’t mean it.  Not the way…”  Steve takes a step back as Bucky forces him against the wall.

 

“You did mean it.  You meant it.  Sorry I’m such a fucking **_burden_** , Steve.  If you’d like I can call Coulson, tell him to turn his plane around and come get me.  Or I can go to Washington and turn myself in to whoever will take me.  Let them lock me in a cage.”  Steve’s not sure what to do.  He’s not sure how to fix this, but he knows he has to.

 

“You’re **_not_** a burden.  You’re **_not._** I just…”  Bucky glares and Steve finds himself remembering their fight the night of the expo it’s the same look.

 

“You just what?  Oh no wait, let me guess, you feel like going after HYDRA’s something you **_have_** to do.  Never mind I’m the one they fucked over.  But do you see me getting pissed cause I’ve been told I can’t play the superhero game?  No.  So you know what Steve you go ahead to Washington.  But don’t expect me to be here when you get back.”

 

“I want to destroy them for what they did to you.  And I know that’s not healthy but I can’t help it.  I want to make them pay for what they took from you.  You can’t do this yourself.  You can’t; not if what happened with Wright is any indication.  So you’re damn right I want to go after them.”

 

“It’s not your fight.”

 

“Then who’s is it?”  Steve is almost afraid of the answer knowing it’s probably only going to make things worse.

 

“Mine.”  Bucky says as if it should be obvious.

 

“Bucky.”  Steve says quietly, knowing Bucky’s right.

 

“Don’t.”  Bucky says leaving the room.

 

Steve waits a full minute before following him.  He finds him on the common room balcony railing staring at the city.  He wants to go to him and wrap himself around him, but he’s not sure what Bucky would do.  So instead he contents himself with watching him from the chaise.  Tony comes out and hands Bucky a scotch. 

 

“You know Barnes, they’re bullies as far as he’s concerned and according to Dad Steve Rogers hates bullies.  You add that to the fact that they bullied you and broke you, well he’s gonna want to kick their asses.  Plus Peggy’s trying to involve herself.  And well, he’s got a soft spot for her.  Though I will admit the babysitting crack was a low blow.  Lower than I thought he’d ever go.”

 

“I…look go get Pepper and have her come out here.  You’re not gonna want to hear this.”

 

“Go on Grandpa, I’m trying new things.”

 

“I don’t… I never wanted to keep him from being Captain America.  It’s not just the serum he ** _is_** Captain America, what makes him Cap isn’t that serum.  It’s what’s inside.  And now thanks to me he’s sidelined.  And he hates it and I don’t want to be a burden to him.”

 

“You’re not.  Barnes, Peggy wouldn’t let him in the field anyway.  Phil won’t.  It’s why Phil moved Wright to the plane.  At Riker’s they’d let Steve in.  But you have to understand, he feels like he **_should_** be out there defending his man.  That’s what it’s really about.  You can’t fight them so he wants to do it for you.  He feels helpless and what’s worse is he knows you want to be out there and he knows you can’t be.  He knows that’s got to be hard for you and he doesn’t know how to make it better.”

 

“You know, punk you could have just said it all yourself.  You didn’t need to text it to Tony then have him tell me.  Though I have to admit it was a nice touch.”

 

“Barnes, how did you know?”

 

“I know him.  Thanks though, Tony.  Could we have a minute?”

 

“No doing weird old man things on my balcony.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, Stark thanks.”  Bucky says.  He doesn’t hop down but he does reach his hand behind him for Steve to take.

 

Steve takes his hand and wraps himself around Bucky from behind.  He has no idea how to fix this.  Bucky leans back slightly into his embrace.  They stay like that for a few minutes then Bucky shifts and Steve lets him go.  Bucky hops down and pulls Steve to him.  He kisses Steve’s temple and then leads him back over to the chaise and sits down pulling Steve into his lap.

 

“Can we please go home?  I hate fighting with you.”  Bucky says resting his head on Steve’s shoulder.

 

“You really think there’s something here don’t you?”

 

“We’re at each other’s throats.  You’re saying things that aren’t like you.  I felt like you were purposely trying to hurt me.  That’s not you.”  Steve kisses him.

 

“I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have said it that way.”

 

“I know you are.  I knew you were the second it came out of your mouth.  I mean it though, if you really want to go to Washington I’m not going to stop you.  I can go back to Brooklyn.”

 

“No.  Peggy’s right.  You really can’t be left alone. Okay this isn’t coming out right either.”

 

“No, it is.  I get it.  You leave me alone we run the risk of HYDRA getting their hands on me again.  Come on.  Let’s get out of here and go home.”

 

“All right.  Buck?”  Steve says as Bucky leads him off the balcony.

 

“Hmm?”  Bucky says turning to face him.

 

“I love you.  All I want to do is keep you safe.” 

 

“I know, punk.  I know.”  Bucky says pulling him into his side.

 

They go down to the apartment to find Tony waiting for them.  He’s sitting on the couch, feet up on the coffee table reading.  Steve just goes to check the bedroom and make sure they have everything ignoring him.  Bucky arches a brow.

 

“JARVIS is still checking on things but I think you may be right.  Something’s off.  Even I can feel it.  Pepper’s been snapping.  I didn’t think anything of it.  After all, she gets twitchy when the bad guys come at me at home.  Figured it was a reaction to Wright.  But then I realized it’s been going on longer than that.”

 

“Tony, has Jane told you why Thor’s not here?”  Steve asks coming back into the room.

 

“Just that he’s on Asgard.”

 

“It’s Loki.”  Steve says.

 

“Son of a bitch.  And Thor brought the Teseract back to Asgard with him.  I swear to God if we have to fight HYDRA and Loki I’m going to scream.  You know, Dad really should have left that thing buried.”

 

“I know.  I don’t think the… Jane… Tony what if….”

 

“Come on.  She’ll probably take an invasion of privacy better coming from you.”

 

“Sir, that won’t be necessary.  I’ve already done so.  You and Captain Rogers were correct in your assumption.  Though I’m not sure how.  Doctor Foster doesn’t have the Teseract with her.  However, it does appear to be what’s been affecting things.  She’s been kind enough to contact Thor.  We’re waiting to hear back.”

 

“Thanks, where’s the big guy?”

 

“Down in the lab.  I’ve let him know.  He indicated that the Hulk isn’t seeming to be affected at the moment.”

 

“Good.  Look I can handle this.  You two go back to Brooklyn.”

 

“Not happening.”  Bucky says.

 

“Buck.”

 

“I’m going back to Brooklyn.  You‘re staying here.”

 

“I don’t want to leave you….”  Bucky kisses him.

 

“I’ll be fine Steve.  I’ll call you when I get there.  Love you.”  Bucky kisses him again then grabs his bag and heads out.  Steve hangs his head for a second then turns to Tony. 

 

“All right what now?”

 

“We’re gonna have to wait on Thor I’m afraid.  You all right?”

 

“No.  I don’t want to be here.  No offense.”

 

“None taken.  Come on down to the lab.  You can whine to Bruce.”

 

“I don’t whine Tony.”

 

“Right.”  Steve glares at Tony’s back but follows him.

 

They get down to the lab and Steve’s surprised to find Bucky there talking to Bruce.  Tony throws a hand up to halt him then has JARVIS pipe the conversation into that part of the lab.  Steve would complain, but Bucky probably knows they’re there.

 

“Bucky, you know we’re all going to have his back.”

 

“Nat and Clint went to Washington with Sam.  I’ve seen the reports.  And I remember hearing them the first time around too about New York, so look just ask the big guy to have his back.  I can’t lose him.  I don’t know what I’d do.  I can’t stay here though.  Whatever it is that thing does it sets me too far back.”

 

“It doesn’t really work that way.  But well, I’ll do what I can.”

 

“Thanks.  I really don’t want to leave.”

“Brooklyn’s not that far away, you know.”

 

“I know.  I do.  It’s just… he’s gonna get in over his head and I’m not going to be here to have his back.  And yeah I trust you guys but….”

 

“You’d feel better if you could be here doing it yourself?”

 

“Yeah.  And don’t let him do stupid shit like jumping out of planes without a parachute.  Or jumping on a grenade or some shit like that.”

 

“I don’t think he’d do that.”

 

“You don’t know Steve then.  He thinks I don’t know about it, but he did it in basic before they gave him the serum.  I heard Phillips yelling at some of the new guys before the Commandos shipped out to the HYDRA camp.  They were all ‘of course he did, he’s Captain America’ and Phillips looks them dead in the eye and says ‘not then he wasn’t’ the looks they gave him were hilarious.  I would have given him hell for it, but well he was bigger than before and I’d just dealt with Zola pumping me full of crap.  So yeah, Bruce he’d do it.”

 

“A grenade really?”

 

“It was a test.  Not that he knew it at the time.  I ranted at Phillips for a good half an hour.  I think even Phillips knew I was in love with him by the time I was done.”

 

“You two didn’t fool anyone did you?”

 

“Don’t think so.  All right I’m going to head out.  When they get in here, in about five seconds smack Tony on the back of the head would you.”

 

“Sure thing.”

 

Bucky goes out of the lab and gets between Steve and Tony stopping Steve in his tracks.  He cups Steve’s face and kisses him senseless then pulls him in for a tight hug.  He whispers to him then leaves.  Steve stands there dazed.   Bucky looks back before the elevator closes and chuckles.

 

“Hey punk, don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone.”

 

“Can’t jerk, you’re taking all the stupid with you.”  Steve calls over his shoulder.

 

The second Steve hears the door to the elevator close it takes everything in him not to go after Bucky.  He knows they’re going to talk everyday but it’s not the same.  He goes into the lab with a scowl on his face.  Bruce smiles and Tony just rolls his eyes.  Steve sits on one of the stools and pouts.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used the Teseract because it's the thing I'm most familiar with. Hope you all don't mind.


	41. Chapter Forty One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a long one. Hope you all enjoy

Steve watches Tony and Bruce work together with a smile.  Jane comes down and joins them mentioning Thor’s looking into things on his end and hasn’t contacted her yet.  She asks Steve what he’s still doing there, why he didn’t go to Brooklyn with Bucky.  Steve tells her Bucky told him to stay.  He excuses himself and heads for the apartment.  He hears Bruce says he’s worried about him.  Tony agrees, which makes Steve a bit worried himself.

 

He gets to the apartment and putters around.  He checks the clock and sees that Bucky should have reached Brooklyn, and tries not to worry that he hasn’t called.  He tries to watch mindless TV and it just annoys him.  He grabs his jacket and keys then heads out telling JARVIS to tell anyone who asks he’ll be back later.  He goes down to the Starbucks on the corner and ends up getting his drink for free.  The girl asks about Bucky and Steve finds himself staying till they close.  He gets back to the tower and realizes Bucky still hasn’t called.

 

“JARVIS, I know he’s in Brooklyn, but is there any way you can check on him.  He should have called by now.”

 

“Unfortunately, I can’t.  I’m sorry.” 

 

“It’s fine.  Come on Buck, where the hell are you?”

 

Steve grabs his coat and heads out again.  He’s about to go into the subway when his phone rings.  It’s not a number he recognizes and it puts him on full alert.  He goes into an alley for a bit of privacy and then answers.

 

“Steve Rogers.”

 

“Did you honestly think we wouldn’t get our soldier back?”  The person on the other end asks.  Before Steve can even respond they’ve hung up.

 

Steve races down to the subway.  He hops on the next train to Brooklyn which, he realizes just as it pulls out of the station, is the last one for the night.  He arrives at the apartment to find it in complete disarray.  _At least Bucky didn’t go without a fight_ he thinks to himself.  He doesn’t touch anything.  He calls Tony and tells him to get to the apartment quick as he can.  He calls Sam in Washington and tells him the news.  He also asks him not to tell Peggy just yet.  Sam says he can come back to New York, but Steve points out that then Peggy would know something was wrong.  He agrees and tells Steve to keep him posted.

 

Steve pokes around the apartment more, not moving anything, but looking for clues at the same time.  There’s nothing.  He goes into the bedroom and sees the complete destruction of the room and tries not to lose it.  From the way the room looks Steve can tell this is where Bucky was when they jumped him.  He looks up at the shelf and notices the Captain America bear is just tossed on the shelf.  He opts not to touch it yet.

 

He hears the door open and for a split second thinks it could be Bucky.  He pokes his head out of the room and tries to not let the disappointment show.  Tony shrugs.  He tells JARVIS to start running an analysis on the rooms.  He tells him to run the whole spectrum.  Steve isn’t sure what that means but he knows it means if there’s a clue they’re going to find it.

 

He tells Tony about the bear being out of place and Tony scans it with something in the suit then hands it to him and tells him there’s something under the shield.  Steve moves the shield and a tiny piece of paper falls out.  Steve unfolds it and what it says doesn’t make sense to him.  Tony tells him it’s code of some kind.  Then he’s on the phone with Phil.

 

An hour later Phil and his team are going over the apartment themselves.  He has to smile at the way Phil tells them to treat everything as if it’s a prized possession.  Fitz discovers fibers in the living room and bedroom to analyze.  There are marks by the window Melinda wants tested as well.  Steve stands off to the side and tries to not get in the way.  When his phone rings from the same number as before Tony and Phil both insist he put it on speaker phone.

 

“Steve Rogers.”

 

“Ah Captain Rogers at long last we finally meet so to speak.  I was so disappointed when Pierce and Zola wouldn’t allow me to come play with their toy and get to meet you.”

 

“Who are you?”

 

“All in good time Captain Rogers.  But first there’s someone who is being very demanding about getting to speak to you.  He’s killed many of men already.”  Steve hears the phone shift.

 

 

“Stevie, Jacob I love you.  Always.  Mitchell.  End of the line.”  Before Steve can say anything he hears the phone moving again.

 

“How touchingly sickening.  I don’t know how Mr. Stark stands it.”

 

“What do you want?”  Steve asks keeping his voice even yet he knows it slips into the tone Natasha refers to as his ‘Captain America voice’.

 

“Nothing now.  I have Zola’s toy.  What more could I want?”  The line goes dead.  Before Steve can react Tony’s keeping him focused.

 

“Who’s Jacob Mitchell?”

 

“Someone we used to know.  I don’t know…. Wait.  I know.  Skye pull up a map of the city from the thirties for me.”

 

“Not to point out the obvious Cap but the city isn’t the same.”  Tripp says.

 

“I know.  But I think I also know what Bucky’s telling me. His apartment building was there.  Now pull me up a map of the city now.  Tony get me Sam.”

 

“What’s up Cap?”  Sam asks once he’s on the phone.

 

“That list of warehouses here in Brooklyn we were going to look at before Bucky showed up do you still have it?”

 

“Hang on let me grab the file.  You’re lucky I’m home.”

 

“I would have just called you back on Nat’s phone.  I know you had the list in yours.”

 

“You find him?”

 

“I think so.”

 

“All right what’s the address?”  Steve gives it to him and Sam confirms what Steve’s been thinking.  He hangs up then turns to Tony.

 

“What’s wrong?”  Tony asks, Steve’s surprised at how gentle he sounds.

 

“It’s still an apartment building.  No vacant apartments.  The buildings around it are apartments as well.  I don’t know maybe Bucky looked out the window and recognized the area.  But there’s not a warehouse for miles.  The address Sam gave is on the other side of Brooklyn, we took it out shortly after the fall of the Triskellion.  It’s a dead end.”  Skye says.

 

“Then we keep looking.  Barnes mentioned this guy for a reason.  It’s got to be a clue.  Steve what do you remember about him?”  Tony asks, this time Steve thinks he sounds like he should have the armor on.

 

“Not much.  He used to bully smaller kids.  Me especially.  Then he’d go on and on about how I needed Bucky to save my ass. He used to ask Bucky why he bothered.  When the war started and I couldn’t get in it got worse.  I never saw him again after I became Captain America.  I don’t want to alarm Abbi, but maybe we should see what she knows.”

 

“I’ll go talk to her.” Jemma says softly.

 

“Jemma, I don’t…. Bucky wouldn’t want her….”

 

“I’ll figure something out.”

 

Moments later Abbi is storming into their apartment.  The look on her face makes everyone but Steve take a step back.  He just smiles small at her.  She sits across from him and takes his hand in hers for a brief second.  Then she’s up puttering around the kitchen making coffee and sandwiches.  Jaime’s arrived now and just shakes her head.

 

“Someone want to explain to me why the name Jacob Mitchell sent her into a rage?” 

 

“Because that boy was a homophobic asshole who gave Bucky nothing but grief for what he felt and who he loved.  He bragged it all over the neighborhood once Bucky had… well…. Once we all thought he was dead.  Rebecca nearly killed him.  Put him in the hospital she did.  He’s held a grudge against Bucky ever since.  Lives above the store on the corner now.  No one in his family wants anything to do with him. Wife left him after the youngest was born because he smacked her.   His kids hate his guts.  I’m betting money that son of a bitch tipped those goons off to where Bucky was.”  Abbi says angrily.

 

“But why mention it to Cap over the phone?”  Fitz asks.

 

“Because he can give us a description of what they look like and whatever car they were in.  And the corner store might have security footage JARVIS and Skye and file through.”  Phil offers.

 

“On it.  Oh this is interesting.  Looks like he cleared out while Bucky was being taken if the security cameras in the hall are any indication.”

 

“Just like the coward he always has been.  Steve you knock him once upside the head with that fancy trash can lid of yours for me; you hear me?”  Abbi says.  Steve nods, a small smile on his lips.

 

“So we’re back to having nothing?”  Tripp asks.

 

“No, we’ve still got something.  JARVIS has a description of the van.  He’s trying to clean up the image to get us a plate number.”

 

“All of which isn’t going to tell us where Bucky is.”  Steve says suddenly angry again.  He gets up and goes into the bedroom and out onto the fire escape.

 

“All right.  What was that back there?  I mean I get that you’re worried about Bucky, but you’ve never been one to just storm out of a room in a huff.”  Abbi says coming and joining him.  She’s sitting in the apartment on the floor by the window.

 

“I used to do it plenty.  You weren’t around for it.”  Steve snaps, and then immediately feels awful for doing so.

 

“I know that look, don’t apologize.  I shouldn’t have said anything.  He’s gonna be all right you know.  He’s going to hang on until you can get to him and bring him home.  And he knows you will, Steve.  He always has.  He tell you about those two weeks in the early nineties?”

 

“A little.  Said he thought he’d scared you.”

 

“He did, for all of an hour.  Then I started leaving him things outside the door.  Blankets, food, soap.  I looked after him for you, as much as he let me anyway.  When the news about Howard and Maria Stark hit all I could think was ‘thank god he’s here.’  I knew it wasn’t an accident.  They found him a day or so later.  He tell you he killed one of them because they shoved me around?”

 

“Coulson did.”  Steve says quietly.

 

“You think I’m just telling you this for the hell of it, don’t you Rogers?”

 

“Sorry, I’m guessing I should be paying more attention?”

 

“Yes you should be.  I’m telling you this, because you need to know given the chance, when he had his head on even slightly straight, he fought them.  He didn’t give up, didn’t go willingly, he fought until they knocked it out of him.  You saw the apartment.  He’s going to fight Steve.  He’s going to fight to get back to you.  You need to fight to save him.  And let me tell you, sitting out here moping is not getting the job done.”

 

“I don’t even know where to start Abbi, Jacob Mitchell’s a dead end.”

 

“Cap, not to interrupt the pity party you’re throwing out there with your girlfriend, but we’ve got a lead.”  Abbi barks out a laugh at the sound Steve makes.  But it gets him to go inside all the same.  He helps her up and they head for the living room.

 

“Not in the mood Tony.”  Steve says coming inside.  Tony just continues to stare back at him smug as ever.

 

“Well, you’re going to be in a mood soon.  We’ve got something.  They just deposited money into Mitchell’s account.  JARVIS traced it all the way to the source of the transaction.  A warehouse on 3rd Ave.  Apparently, HYDRA has to squat to get space.”

 

“What are we sitting around for then?  Let’s go.”

 

“Captain maybe you should sit this one out.”  Melinda says gently.

 

“Cap comes with.  Whoever that was on the phone has probably already figured out Bucky gave Steve a clue.  God only knows what his mental state’s going to be when we find him.  Steve’s our best bet to getting through to him.”  Tony says in a tone that brokers no argument.  Melinda just nods.

 

Jaime decides she and Abbi should head out.  Abbi gives Steve a hug and reminds him Bucky’s going to fight to come back to him.  Steve hugs her a little tighter than he probably should.  He gives Jaime a hug too and thanks her for getting Abbi to go.  Jaime just tells him to bring his man home. 

 

Once Abbi’s gone Steve tries to suppress the shudder that goes through him at the thought of them having hurt Bucky.  He tries to think positively; that they’re going to reach him before it’s too late.  That they won’t have brainwashed him again.  Though if he’s completely honest with himself he knows the odds aren’t in their favor.  He grabs his shield and locks the door behind everyone.  He half pays attention as they start formulating an extraction plan.  Let them make one.  Steve knows exactly what he’s going to do.  It’s no different than what he did in Austria.

 

They arrive at the warehouse and Phil makes sure everyone knows what they’re doing.  Steve nods as if he’s actually paid attention.  Then he goes in.  He can hear Phil telling him that’s not the plan but doesn’t care.  There are men surrounding a chair.  He can see Bucky’s feet.  There’s a cryro unit.  Steve resists the urge to throw the shield and break it.  Steve stops short when he sees who’s talking to Bucky.  He knows him.  Baron Von Strucker.  He remembers having caught a glimpse of him during one of his fights with Schmidt.

 

“Ah Captain, I see you’ve decided to join us.  Good.  Now I can have my new toy finish his mission and rid not only HYDRA of the annoyance but the world as well.  Soldier kill Captain America.”

 

“Are we really going to have to do this _again_? Melinda asks.

 

“Looks that way.  What the hell is he doing?  Did Cap seriously just throw his shield down?  And take off his helmet?  Someone toss him a…. oh shit that’s going to hurt.”  Tripp says.

 

Tony powers up the suit and blasts between Bucky and Steve’s feet.  It momentarily stops Bucky; but only long enough for him to turn his attention on Tony.  Tony shoots at his feet again and Steve grabs Bucky from behind.  He gets him a choke hold but instead of choking him he kisses the back of his neck then whispers something to him.  Tony can’t tell what it is but Bucky throws Steve over his shoulder.  He then shoots him.  Steve barely has time to get out of the line of fire.

 

Bucky gets in front of him and is at point blank range.  Everyone freezes.  Everyone waits for Steve to grab the shield which is right next to him but he doesn’t.  Things seem to move in slow motion.  It feels as if time stops for a minutes.  Steve hears Von Strucker telling Bucky to finish it.  Bucky cocks the gun and fires.  Steve isn’t sure what happens next.   He can hear yelling.  He can hear Tony but otherwise he can’t focus.  The last thing he sees are the HYDRA agents maneuvering Bucky into the cryro unit.  The scream that comes from Bucky Steve is sure is one that’s going to stay with him for the rest of his days.  He hears multiple guns firing and can see Tony’s firing with the suit.  In the back of his mind, as he loses consciousness, he thinks maybe he should have paid more attention to the plan.

 

Steve wakes later in a white room.  He’s sure it’s a hospital.  He’s got tubes poking out of him and he can hear a monitor.  He’s not sure how long he’s been out.  He can hear someone telling him not to move or try to talk.  He looks wildly around the room and doesn’t see the one person he **_needs_** to.  What’s worse is no one seems to be willing to tell him anything.  He starts crying.  He can hear the heart monitor start beeping faster.  The voice is telling him to calm down.  He can’t though.  He knows this time it’s all his fault.  That thought only makes monitor go even more wild and the tears feel like they’re falling even harder.  He’s lost Bucky again and this time no one can tell him it isn’t his fault.  He closes his eyes to try and block everything out.  He feels someone take his hand and stroke their thumb over it.  He refuses to open his eyes. 

 

“On your left, punk.  Stevie, you’re safe. I’m right here.  I love you.  Come on, punk.  Open your eyes.”  Steve shakes his head.  It’s a nightmare.  He’s in a nightmare. 

 

“Everyone out.”  He hears his nightmare say.  But then hears people leaving and a door closing.

 

“Stevie, come on.  Just open your eyes.  Stevie, I swear to you I’m here.  I love you.”  His nightmare kisses him and Steve isn’t sure what to do.  He has to admit it feels real.

 

The monitor beeps again and his nightmare tells him to calm down.  He tries and fails.  The door opens again and he hears Bruce telling the other person to leave.  Bruce explains that he needs to get Steve’s heart rate under control and that their being in the room isn’t helping.

 

“I’m not leaving him.  Banner, I can’t leave him.  Do what you can but I’m staying right where I am.”  Steve feels a prick in his arm and then his world goes dark again.

 

Steve wakes again in the same room, but the tubes are gone.  His throat hurts like it used to when he had trouble breathing.  It’s comforting in a way.  He feels someone rub their thumb under his eye, wiping tears away and wonders when he started crying.  It comes back in a rush.  _Bucky’s gone again and it’s all my fault,_ he thinks.  He realizes he’s said it out loud when the person next to him speaks.

 

“Not gone, Steve, right here.”  He opens his eyes to find Bucky sitting on his left holding his hand.

 

“Buck?”  Steve asks his voice barely above a whisper.

 

“Hey.” Bucky says leaning in and kissing his temple.

 

Steve tries to shift closer and can’t because of the equipment.  He huffs in frustration.  Bucky reaches out and brushes the hair from his forehead then kisses his temple again.  Then Bucky carefully climbs into the bed with him and shifts him gingerly so he’s in his arms.  Steve turns his head into Bucky’s chest and tries to get himself back in check.

 

“I’m sorry.   Stevie, I’m sorry.”  Bucky says kissing the top of his head.

 

Steve snuggles in as best he can but the wires get in the way.  He kisses Bucky’s chest.  Then tries to shift again closer and growls when he can’t.  He feels the chuckle rumble through Bucky’s chest and kisses him again.  He hears the door open and realizes Bruce has come back into the room.

 

“How is he?”  Bruce asks checking his pulse.

 

“He was awake.  I think he’s asleep again.  Not sure.” 

 

“I’m awake, barely though.”  Steve whispers.

 

“Get some rest.  I can run the tests later.  Bucky, be gentle when you move, but you can stay where you are.”  Bruce leaves again.

 

“Buck, you okay?”

 

“Sh get some rest.”  Bucky says, dodging the question.

 

“They put you… oh god… I’m still unconscious.  This isn’t real.  You’re not here.”  Steve says quietly, but he still sounds hysterical to his own ears.

 

“All right, now I have to kick you out.”  Bruce says coming back into the room.

 

“No!”  Steve says clinging to Bucky.

 

“Sedate him if you have to but I don’t think he’s going to let me go.  Phil got any leads on Von Strucker yet?”

 

“No.  Skye says it’s as if he fell off the face of the earth.  JARVIS isn’t having any luck either. You really should be in your own bed you know.  They did try to freeze you again.  And then there are the effects of the electroshocks.”

 

“I’m fine.  I mean I’m not but I need to be with him.  Not for him.  For me.  I feel like I’m falling again Banner.  I need him to catch me.  I know, I know not making sense.”

 

“No, you are.  All right, stay in here.  But get some rest or I’m sedating you both.”

 

“I’ll do my best.  Tell May to not hit so much turbulence if you want that to happen.”

 

Bruce nods then leaves the two of them alone.  Steve shifts close again and squeezes Bucky.  Bucky kisses his temple and shifts a bit.  Steve moves with him and the monitor goes crazy.  Bruce comes back in and unhooks it.  Steve turns to him and smiles slightly.  He feels hazy though.  He snuggles into Bucky and falls asleep.  Bucky just holds him as he sleeps.

 

Steve wakes to Bucky crying out.  He squeezes Bucky and kisses him.  He whispers to him that he’s safe and loved.  That Steve’s got him.  Then he shifts so he can kiss him.  He winces and tries not to let how much pain he’s in show.  Bucky shifts again so Steve’s lying flat.  He gets out of bed and takes the chair next to it.  Steve tries to chase after him.

 

“Buck.”

 

“Not going anywhere.  Just gonna give you the bed.”

 

“How?  I saw them put you in the…. You screamed.”

 

“Tony.  He shot at it.  They couldn’t get it to close properly.  I thought you’d died.  It all happened so fast and you hit the ground so hard and there was the shot.  I thought you’d died.  That was why I screamed.”  Bucky finishes quietly.

 

“Come back here.”  Steve says trying to move over.

 

“Captain Rogers, I do wish you’d stop moving quiet so much.  You rip out those stiches and Jemma’s going to have your hide.”  Fitz says coming in.

 

“Fitz?  Wait aren’t we at the tower?”

 

“No, you’re on the bus.  Well, the plane really, we just call it the bus.  Phil, Tony and Melinda all felt you’d both be safer up here then at the tower.  Thor hasn’t gotten back to Jane Foster yet.  And no one knows where Von Strucker, but we’re working on it.  Sergeant Barnes you better have a good reason for why you’re not in your own bed.  She’s not afraid of you like I am.  She’ll get….”  Fitz is cut off by Jemma coming into the room angry.

 

“James Buchanan Barnes get yourself back to your bed.  **_Now_**.”  Jemma says placing both hands on her hips and glaring. 

 

“Jemma, darlin’ let me explain how this is going to go.  I’m going to sit right here in this chair and if I need to sleep, which given the state of my nightmares I don’t, I am going to snuggle up next to the Captain here.”

 

“Bucky.”  Jemma and Steve say in unison, concerned.

 

“Jemma, please.  Just let me sit here.”

 

Jemma goes over and runs a hand through his hair then kisses the top of his head before giving him a small hug.  She whispers to him he can do whatever he needs to, to feel safe, even if she’d rather he be resting.  She then goes to grab him a blanket.  Steve brings Bucky’s hand to his lips and kisses it.  He tells him again he loves him.

 

Jemma asks Steve how he’s feeling, while telling him that he’s lucky Bucky got his head back enough to fire on Von Strucker, otherwise what Bucky feared might have come true.  Steve squeezes Bucky’s hand.  He tells her he’s sore.  But other than that he thinks he’s okay.  He says he figures by tomorrow he should be able to at the very least sit up in bed.  Jemma just rolls her eyes and mutters something about stupid men and their egos as she leaves the room.  Phil comes in as she’s leaving.

 

“All right here’s what we know so far.  Wait are you two up to hearing this?”

 

“Yes.” Steve says and Bucky smiles at the fact he’s using the Captain America tone.

 

“Bucky?”

 

“You heard the man, Coulson.  I’m not one to argue with Captain America.”

 

“Smart man.”  Steve says rubbing his thumb over the back of Bucky’s hand.

 

“Okay then.  Tony’s listening in from the command center.  Clint, Natasha Sam and Sharon are listening in from Washington.  Before you even ask Cap, I tried to tell Peggy to sit this out.  Nat tried to tell her to.  She refused.  So it’s going to be a yes, she’s there as well.”

 

“Why am I not surprised.  She still all right?”  Bucky asks.

 

“She’s pissed off.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen her so pissed off.”  Tony says over the comm.

 

“I can hear you, Anthony.”

 

“Shit Stark, you’re so screwed.”  Sharon says.  Steve hears her mutter a ‘sorry Aunt Peggy’, and he chuckles.

 

“Steven Grant Rogers, do not laugh at me.”  Peggy says and Bucky just smiles.

 

“Yes ma’am.  Go ahead Phil.”  Steve says getting them back on track.

 

“Wright knew it was coming.  Which means I should have seen it, but he was being cryptic.  He kept telling me just because he failed didn’t mean HYDRA would.  So I take full responsibility for the monumental screw up this whole thing became.”

 

 

“Whatever, Coulson.  What else have you got?”  Bucky asks.

 

“That code you wrote down?  What was it?  I can’t crack it.  Skye can’t crack it.  Hell, JARVIS can’t even crack it.”

 

“Only one meant to crack it is the Captain.”  Bucky says.

 

That’s when Steve remembers what it means.  It’s been so long since he’s seen it, he has to admit he’d forgotten it.  He leans out of the bed while pulling Bucky closer by the hand then kisses him and whispers ‘always’ to him.  Bucky kisses him and says it back.  Phil looks like he’d rather be anywhere than where he is.  Steve has the decency to blush.

 

“Sorry.”  Steve says quietly.

 

“Tell me they weren’t just doing weird old man things.”  Tony says joking.

 

“No, they weren’t.  Skye stop trying to figure out the code.  Tony pull JARVIS off it.  There’s one more thing.  Wright says Von Strucker’s not the only one in HYDRA that wants to get his hands on, and I quote, ‘Zola’s toy soldier’ but he also claims he doesn’t have names.  Not sure I believe that.  Melinda doesn’t think he’s told us everything.  She’s in with him now.”

 

“He’s right.  We’re hearing the same thing down here, but we don’t have names either.  But whoever it is he’s got them as scared as Von Strucker.”  Nat offers. 

 

“Stay on the line Nat, we’ll compare notes.  See what we can come up with.  Ward’s not being any help either.  But on that one I don’t think he knew much about the higher ups.  Garrett didn’t seem to keep him in the loop on much.”  Phil says.

 

“I’m going to have a little chat with Ward.”  Tony says.

 

“Oh this should be fun to watch.”  Tripp says over the intercom.

 

“Who says I’m going to allow cameras on?”

 

“Anthony.”  Peggy scolds.

 

“Peg, you’ve got to learn it’s not 1946 anymore.  Things are different.”

 

“Not now.  You and I will talk later.  Phil is that everything?” Peggy asks.

 

“For now.  Though, I’d like Jemma to run a few more tests on Bucky.”

 

“Why?”  Steve asks immediately concerned.  Bucky turns to Phil and glares.

 

“Phil just wants to make sure I’m all right, for you.  Didn’t think you were going to wake up so soon.  Nothing to worry about.  Come on, Phil let’s get this over with.”  Bucky says kissing Steve’s forehead after he stands.

 

“Sorry about that.”  Phil says once they’re out of the room.

 

“You can tell I’m about to break can’t you?”  Bucky asks, voice barely above a whisper.

 

“Bucky.”  Phil says quietly.

 

“I keep putting him in danger.  I keep hurting him.  I keep almost getting him killed.” Bucky says stopping where he is and sliding down the wall.

 

Phil goes to the opposite wall and sits across from him.  Then he waits.  Bucky doesn’t say anything for a while and Phil worries there might be something wrong.  He’s about to call for Jemma when she shows up and sits down next to him and pulls him so his head is resting on her shoulder.

 

“I’ve got this.  Go make sure Fitz doesn’t crash the plane.”  Phil nods.

 

“He’s gone.  What can I do?  Are you in pain?  Is Steve all right?  Is this….”  Bucky looks at her and her heart breaks a little.

 

“Oh, Bucky.  Do you want me to help you back in the med bay?”  She asks.  He shakes his head and then rests it on her shoulder again.

 

“Jemma, I can’t keep doing this.  I’m gonna break.  And he’s not going to know what to do then.  I’m just so tired.  I’m tired of having to hold myself together when I feel like I’m falling apart because I don’t want him to know how bad it is.  I’m tired of having to put up a front so he won’t see that I’m not okay, when I should be.  I’m just tired.  There are times I wish the arm had gone off when Tony was poking at it.  He’d be so much better off without me.”

 

Jemma’s about to answer when she sees Steve out of the corner of her eye.  She’d yell at him but the look on his face tells her all she needs to know.  He’s heard it all.  She glares at Stark and Banner.  They maneuver Steve so he’s on Bucky’s other side.  Then he gently shifts Bucky so he’s resting on him.

 

“I’ve got you.  Buck, I love you.” 

 

That’s all it takes for the damn to burst.  Bucky lets out a pained sound then clings to Steve.   He keeps begging Steve to make it stop.  Steve looks between Jemma and Tony unsure of what to do.  He mouths ‘call Sam’ to Bruce, who does so. Bruce puts it on speaker and Jemma relays what she and Bucky talked about.  Bucky’s now curled up on Steve continuing to beg him to make it stop.  Steve can hear Peggy in the background telling Sam to get his ass onto that plane somehow right away.

 

Tony tells him to sit tight.  He’s coming to get him; Sam reminds him he’s got the wings with him.  He asks to talk to either Phil or Melinda so he can figure out how to make it onto the plane without it going down.  Phil comes on the line and explains it all to him.  Sam tells Steve to give him half an hour. 

 

Bucky starts shaking and Steve leans down and kisses his temple. He whispers something to Bucky who just melts into him.  He kisses his temple again and rocks a little back and forth.  Bucky whispers something to him and Steve starts to hum quietly.  It’s then he hears Melinda demanding everyone go to the command center.  She just nods to him.  Once they’re alone Steve speaks.

 

“I’m here, I love you.  You’re safe.”  Bucky shifts so his head is resting on Steve’s shoulder.

 

“You forgot the code.”  Bucky says quietly.

 

“In my defense it was what almost ninety years ago and I wasn’t thinking straight I was so worried about you.  Does it help if I say I’m sorry?”  Steve says as he kisses the top of Bucky’s head.

 

“I don’t know if I can do this anymore Stevie.”  Bucky says, sounding like he did all those years ago when they came up with the code.  Steve swallows hard to keep his emotions in check.

 

“What do you need?  What can I do?”  Steve asks all the while that day keeps running through his head.

 

“Let me go.”  Steve’s entire world drops out from under him with those three words.

 

“Buck?”  Steve whispers.

 

“All I do is hurt you or get you hurt.  It’s time to let me go Steve.”

 

“I… But….”  Bucky looks at him then and Steve’s heart shatters and he remembers the last time Bucky looked at him like that.

_They’re in the park the day it happens.  Bucky’s been in a foul mood all day and Steve doesn’t mean to make it worse.  He just wants Bucky to talk to him.  To tell him what’s wrong.  So Steve pushes.  And he doesn’t drop it when Bucky says he should.  And Bucky gets in his face tells him he hates him and runs off.  Steve thinks he’s lost the only friend he has._

_He goes home and tells his mother what’s happened.  She promises him Bucky will come round.  That soon they’ll be inseparable as they ever were.  Steve’s not sure he believes her.  She wasn’t there.  She didn’t hear the venom in Bucky’s voice though.  He lays in bed that night and stares at the ceiling.  He’s not sure why, at seven years old, he feels like his world has come to an end.  He goes to his bedroom window and sits.  He falls asleep that night leaning on the window sill.  He wakes an hour or so later to Bucky on his fire escape leaving a piece of paper under a rock by his head._

_All the note says is a bunch of letters and one number. Sgrjbb4e.  Before Steve can ask him what it means Bucky’s gone.  The next day Bucky begs him to forgive him tells him the code means he’s going to always be with him if he’ll have him.  Says he hopes Steve will feel the same way and when he looks at him, while waiting for his answer, Steve vows to never see that look on his face again._ He realizes now he’s broken that vow.

 


	42. Chapter Forty Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which I put some of your fears to rest

They stare at each other and Steve thinks it’s a test, he really does.  He thinks Bucky’s testing him to see if this is the thing that’s going to make him send Bucky away.  Steve kisses him.  It’s soft and unsure but he feels like he needs to.  Bucky doesn’t kiss back.  Steve looks at him then shifts to he can pull them both into a standing position.  He sways a bit and Bucky steadies him.

 

“I’m… I’ll… I…. We promised forever.”  Steve finally whispers.

 

“Steve, just….  I’m so tired.  I can’t….”  Steve pulls him to him with a force that makes Steve fall over slightly.  Then he gets them on one of the couches. He wants to take them down to Phil’s office which is only a few feet away but doesn’t think he’s going to make it.

 

“End of the line and forever.  Those don’t mean I let you go.  Those mean I get to be the strong one.  Those mean I take care of you for a change.  Those mean you lean on me this time.”  Steve says with a fierceness Bucky hasn’t heard in decades.  It soothes him in a way he doesn’t really understand and is sure he’ll never be able to explain to anyone, even Steve himself.

 

Bucky melts into him again.  Steve wraps himself around him and holds on for dear life.  Bucky doesn’t say anything more and when Steve looks down he sees he’s fallen asleep.  Steve kisses the top of his head and holds on. 

 

That’s how Sam finds them when he arrives, asleep with Steve holding Bucky so tight it’s a wonder he’s not squeezing him to death.  Jemma pulls him into the command center and Skye pulls up the video footage.  When the conversation comes over the speakers everyone gasps.  Phil demands they shut it off and remove it from the memory banks.  The glare he gives makes it happen.  Sam goes and sits with them both, but not before grabbing a blanket to cover them with.

 

Bucky wakes first.  He snuggles in and kisses Steve’s jaw then tries to sit up.  Steve just pulls him back against him.  Bucky lets it happen he feels like he got run over by a bus anyway so maybe staying wrapped in Steve’s arms is a good thing.  He notices Sam out of the corner of his eye and tries to sit up again but Steve’s got him in a vice like grip.

 

“You don’t have to sit up on my account.  Was it an episode or something else?”

 

“I don’t know.  It didn’t feel like an episode.  But at the same time I still feel like there’s something wrong.  It’s not the same feeling I had at the Tower.  It’s different.  More like the feeling I had in the vault after I saw Steve again.  Plus I’m just so tired.  But it’s not a physical tired.  I’m not making sense I know.  Steve doesn’t get it.  I don’t think anyone does.  I think you all humor me and say you do, but I don’t think it’s true.”

 

Sam doesn’t say anything for a minute, realizing he needs to choose his words carefully.  There’s also the fact that Steve’s awake and isn’t moving a muscle because Sam’s pretty sure he’s afraid Bucky will stop talking.  Sam clears his throat a few times.

 

“You’re probably right.  Only one who might even remotely get it is Banner and even then his experience is so different, it might be more of a he understands the idea of it. Look, Jemma was really worried about you.  She didn’t want you to have to rehash all of it, and well, like JARVIS, they’ve got…”  Bucky puts up his hand.

 

“You heard it all.  Everything I said to her?”  Bucky finishes for him.  Sam nods and indicates between him and Steve.

 

“Oh, that too huh.  He’s too fucking stubborn for his own good.  I made it up when I was eight years old.  Wasn’t even…. Oh who the hell am I kidding?”  Bucky stops and kisses Steve’s jaw again.  Sam watches and waits to see if Bucky’s going to pick up on the fact that Steve’s awake.

 

“I just don’t want to hurt him anymore.  And it’s not like I can stop myself from putting him first.  It’s not like I can so ‘okay Bucky time to focus on yourself now.’  I’ve tried.  It works for maybe an hour and then he gets a look and I start worrying over him.  Every time I think, okay this is it, now you get to be happy you get to focus on the good in your life, HYDRA show up and snatch it away.  And I know it’s not over.  Von Strucker’s just gone off to lick his wounds.  He’ll be back.”  Bucky pauses and Steve squeezes him a little tighter. 

 

“You know he probably could take it if you broke.”  Sam says quietly.

 

“He barely made it through his own.  Mine’s going to be so much worse.  It’s why I told him to let me go.” 

 

“How’d that turn out for you?”  Sam asks.

 

“Where am I laying?”  Bucky asks.  Sam chooses not to comment on the fact that Bucky is snuggling in as he says it.

 

“Yeah.  That’s what I thought.”  Sam looks at Steve, who looks like he wants to say something and can’t because he’s supposed to be asleep.  Sam decides to speak for him.

 

“You know, I asked him once what made him happy.  Said he didn’t know.  Then you showed up.  And okay he wasn’t exactly happy, but he wasn’t just going through the motions anymore, let me finish, then you came back, came home and I knew.  You’re what makes him happy.  Bucky, I get it, I do; you look at him and you see tiny sick frail Steve.  Oh sure technically you see Captain America but you don’t at the same time.  You’ve got it in your head that you fall apart he’s going to get so freaked out he’s going to fall apart too.  He already did that.  Came out of it just fine.  It’s your turn now.  And I’m telling you this next bit as a friend, you don’t let it happen, they’re going to have to lock you up, only it’s not going to be a jail cell.  It’s going to be a padded one.  Especially if you go off and do it alone.  Or worse, HYDRA will get their hands on you.”  Sam finishes.  Steve smiles and mouths a ‘thank you’ to him.

 

“What if he decides he can’t handle it?  What if I hurt him?  Or worse I lose myself in an episode and kill him?”  Steve squeezes and Bucky looks up horrified that he’s heard.

 

“I’ll leave you two alone.”  Sam says.

 

“Thanks Sam.”  Steve says.

 

“Yeah, thanks a lot Wilson.”  Bucky calls after his retreating form.  Sam’s chuckle echoes back at him.

 

 Steve kisses the top of his head and then tips his chin up so that he can kiss him properly.  He kisses him softly and when he pulls away Bucky looks down.  Steve runs his fingers through his bangs and kisses the top of his head again.  Bucky snuggles in more.

 

“You done telling me to let you go, jerk?”  Steve asks.  Bucky just shrugs.  Before Steve can comment they’re being interrupted.

 

“Excuse me, um, Captain, I really don’t mean to interrupt but uh, um….”  Skye says walking through.

 

“You’re fine Skye.  We’re kind of just in the middle of the plane after all.”  Steve says with a smile as Bucky moves to sit up.  Steve just keeps him where he is.

 

“Any idea when we’re landing?”  Bucky asks.

 

“We’ll be touching down at JFK in about twenty minutes.”  Skye says coming out of Coulson’s office. 

 

“Sam says it’s probably best to let you both go home.  You should know Pepper Potts sent a team in to clean things up.  And your next door neighbor’s granddaughter and her friends have done something, though they refused to tell Pepper what that was.”

 

They get back to the apartment an hour later and when Steve opens the door he’s amazed.  It doesn’t look like anything happened.  Bucky goes into the bedroom and walks back out and just holds Steve close.  Steve moves them so he can look and just smiles.  Between the bears are pictures of the two of them from the weekend of his birthday. There’s a note on one of the nightstands from Jaime telling them she’d been planning on sneaking in to do this for a few weeks and that she hopes they like it.

 

Bucky goes over to the bed and lays down Steve lays down next to him and tries to hold him, Bucky moves away. Steve rolls so he’s on his back and takes Bucky’s hand in his.  He rubs his thumb over it and then brings it to his lips and kisses it.  Bucky pulls his hand away and gets up. Steve opts to stay where he is.  He can give Bucky space if that’s what he needs.  This time he can give him space.  This time he won’t push.

 

Bucky goes into the living room to pace.  Steve watches him from the bedroom doorway trying to figure out if it’s going to turn into an episode or not.  Bucky suddenly plops down on the couch and hangs his head.  He shifts so he’s resting his head on his knees staring at the front door.  Steve stays where he is.  Just leans against the door jamb.

 

“You can move around you know.”  Bucky says, and to Steve he sounds angry.

 

“You want anything?”

 

“No.”  Steve nods even though Bucky can’t see it and goes into the kitchen. 

 

He comes out of the kitchen to find the bedroom door closed and no Bucky on the couch.  He opts to not worry yet.  He grabs a book and tries reading it, but once he’s read the same sentence five or six times he gives up.  He goes and gets himself another cup of coffee.  He takes a sip and then pours it down the drain.  His phone beeps and he checks it.  It’s a text from Jaime:

_Bucky’s on the fire escape rocking back and forth.  Gram says he did it last time.  Says for you to get your ass out there and fix it.  Sorry!_

 

Steve goes into the bedroom and out on to the fire escape.  He sits down next to Bucky and takes his hand.  Bucky moves up a bit and Steve takes it as his cue to get behind him.  Bucky turns into Steve and the rocking stops.  He wraps himself in Steve and tries to calm his breathing.  Steve kisses his temple tells him he’s safe and loved.  Bucky clings tighter to him.   Bucky turns so he’s facing Steve and kisses him before hiding himself in Steve again.  Steve’s not sure how long they stay out on the fire escape.  The sun’s starting to set when Bucky finally pulls away and moves to the other side of it facing out over the neighborhood.  He reaches out and takes Steve’s hand in his.  They sit like that, watching the sun set and the stars come out for the rest of the night.  When they head inside Bucky pulls Steve onto the bed with him and holds him. 

 

“You sure about this?”  Bucky asks quietly.

 

“About what, staying with you?  Helping you?  Loving you no matter what?  Yeah I’m sure.  I’m not going to leave you when you need me the most.  It’s not happening.”   Bucky pulls Steve even closer to him.

 

“I’m a fucking mess.”

 

“Oh like I wasn’t before?”

 

“Not exactly the same thing.  You couldn’t help being sick.”

 

“Yeah, and you can’t help things now.  Bucky, I’m not leaving.  Just like you wouldn’t leave me in that burning warehouse.  I’m not leaving you now.  It’s not happening.”  Steve says as he rolls over to kiss him.  The fierceness is back and Bucky lets it wash over him, calming his frazzled nerves a bit.

 

Bucky lets Steve wrap himself around him.  He falls asleep with his face buried in Steve’s chest.  Steve kisses the top of his head and dozes lightly.  Bucky cries in his sleep.  He begs Steve not to let him go.  Begs Steve to not leave him.  Steve looks down at him, thinking he’s awake and finds him sound asleep.  Steve tells him he’s never leaving him.  Tells him he loves him.  He tries to go back to sleep and it won’t come. 

 

Steve watches the sun come up and smiles when Bucky tries to burrow himself in the blankets so he doesn’t have to wake up.  Steve tries to get up and Bucky traps him where he is with his left arm.  Steve runs his fingers through Bucky’s hair.  Bucky loosens his hold slightly.  He moves so his head isn’t under the blankets and rests his head over Steve’s heart.

 

“Morning.”  Steve says through a yawn.

 

“Hmmm.  You sleep at all?”

 

“Got an hour or so.  I’m fine.” He says through another yawn.

 

“You sleep I’m going to go make breakfast.”

 

“You don’t have to.  I can just… you need to don’t you.”

 

“Yeah.  I… I don’t…. I just want to be okay.  I just want to be me again.  I just….”  Bucky shakes his head.

 

“You okay?”

 

“It’s all foggy.  It’s like I have so much going on I can’t focus.  It’s like it was when I remembered you after the bridge.  Don’t take it away.  Please.”  Bucky says and to Steve the more he talks the further away he sounds. 

 

“Hey, hey, Bucky no one’s going to take it away.  You’re safe.  I’m not going to let anyone hurt you.  It’s okay you’re safe.”  Bucky curls in on himself and starts shaking.  Steve wraps himself around him. 

 

“Steve…”  Bucky says quietly and Steve lets out the breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding.  He’s not sure how much time’s passed.

 

“Right here.  I’ve got you.  You’re safe.  I love you.”

 

“Steve.  Come back.  No.  Don’t go away.  Come back.”  With that Steve realizes Bucky’s in his own head. 

 

“You’re safe.  I’m right here.  I’ve got you.  I love you.  I’m with you.” 

 

“Till the end of the line.”  Bucky says rolling over and kissing Steve.

 

“Sorry.”  He says kissing Steve again.

 

“Nothing to be sorry for.”

 

“I could still hear you in my head.  It started coming back.  It all started coming back and then Pierce…. He took you away again.”  Bucky finishes quietly.

 

Steve just holds him.  Bucky falls back to sleep and Steve tries but can’t.  When Bucky wakes again he seems a little clearer.  He kisses Steve and gets out of bed.  Steve tries to sleep and stares at the ceiling instead.  He gets up and goes into the kitchen and hops up onto the counter.  He sits and watches Bucky cooking and smiles when Bucky kisses him.

 

“You were supposed to stay in bed.  Get some sleep.”

 

“Can’t.  I tried.”  Steve says plucking a strawberry out of the bowl and popping it into his mouth.

 

“This could go on for a while you know.  I don’t think it’s….”  Steve kisses him.

 

“I’ll be okay.  I’ll nap later.  I promise.  Buck, don’t worry about me.  Concentrate on you.  If this is the best you can give me right now, then it’s the best you can give me.  Still love you.  Always.”

 

“How do you always know what to say?”  Bucky asks.

 

“With you it’s easy.” Steve says kissing him again.

 

They have breakfast at the table instead of in bed.  Steve insists on doing dishes.  Then he goes and fills the tub.  He drags Bucky into the bathroom and gets in first before pulling Bucky in.  Bucky leans into him and closes his eyes.  Steve washes his hair and Bucky starts to doze off.  Steve gets them out of the tub before Bucky can fully fall asleep.  Then he leads Bucky back to bed.  Bucky curls up on Steve and falls asleep.  Steve kisses the top of his head and let’s himself sleep this time.  Bucky kisses his chest a few times in his sleep and mumbles his name too.  Steve just hugs him tighter. Bucky wakes up and kisses along Steve’s jaw.  Steve leans down for a real kiss.  Bucky snuggles in more.  Steve runs his hands up and down his back before finally resting them at the small of Bucky’s back.  Bucky makes patterns on his chest and they just lay in silence for a while. 

 

“Steve?”

 

“Hmmm.”  Steve says half asleep.

 

“Never mind.”  Bucky says kissing his chest.  He goes to get out of bed and Steve pulls him back in.

 

“I’m awake.”

 

“No, you’re really not.  Get some sleep.  I’m just going to sit on the couch.”  Steve doesn’t reply already having fallen back to sleep.

 

Steve wakes ten minutes later realizing Bucky’s not beside him.  He pads out into the living room to find Bucky pacing.  He goes and sits on the couch.  Bucky glares at him and Steve wonders where the anger’s come from.  He’s about to ask when Bucky goes to speak then stops before anything comes out.  He plops himself down next to Steve and rests his head on his shoulder. 

 

“Buck?”

 

“I feel like… I can’t even put it into words.  I keep getting memories back and they’re not in any order.  Which I’m used to, but they’re a jumbled mess right now.  I can’t even ask you about them. I want to punch things, but well, nothing around to punch except you.  Not doing that again.”

 

“There’s the shield.  Pepper brought it back.  I can get it if you want.”

 

“Steve.”

 

“Not helping I take it.”

 

“Shut up, punk.”  Bucky says smiling slightly then kissing his shoulder.

 

“There you go again giving me orders.”

 

“Yeah, well, someone has to.”  Bucky says smiling a little wider.

 

“Sorry, you’re trying to be serious.  You were saying.”  Steve says clearing his throat.  Bucky just pulls him in for a kiss.

 

“You know, I love you right?  No matter how bad this gets you have to promise me you’re not going to forget that.”

 

“Forever, and end of the line also mean I will always know you love me no matter what stupid thing you say or do.”  Bucky chuckles and pulls him in for another kiss.

 

“You might have to hold me together for a little while.  I feel like I could fall apart, and I don’t even think we’ve hit the tip of the iceberg yet.  It’s not….”

 

“James Buchanan Barnes if you tell me it’s not too late for me to leave you, I swear on my mother’s memory, I am going kick your ass.”  Steve say with the same fierceness he used on the plane and Bucky launches himself at him kissing him soundly.

 

“Wow, what was that?”  Steve asks once Bucky’s pulled away.

 

“It’s stupid.”

 

“I’m not surprised, seeing as how you’re the one who takes all the stupid in the relationship with him wherever he goes.”

 

“Shut up.”  Bucky says kissing him again.

 

“The tone you used… the...”  Steve takes his hand and runs his fingers along his palm.

 

“It’s like you used to get when a bully would show up and I’d have to pull you out of a fight.  I don’t know… not making sense.  It…..”  Steve kisses him softly then.

 

“I feel like all the progress I made is gone, Steve.”  Bucky says suddenly upset.

 

“C’mere.  I’ve got you.”  Steve says pulling him into his lap.  Bucky settles and rests his forehead against Steve’s.

 

They stay like that for a while.  Occasionally Bucky kisses Steve softly.  But for the most part Bucky revels in feeling Steve holding him.  He shifts a bit to rest his head on Steve’s shoulder for a few minutes, and then gets a look on his face that has Steve holding him a little tighter.  Bucky turns and buries his face in Steve’s neck.  Then the tears start.  Steve rubs his back and tells him he’s loved.   Bucky’s not sure how long he cries for.  He gets off Steve’s lap and locks himself in the bathroom.  Steve goes and sits outside the door.  He hears the shower start and opts to go make them some lunch.  Steve goes to bring it into the bedroom to find Bucky watching him from the doorway freshly showered.  He looks better than he did when he got off Steve’s lap.  Steve guesses that’s something.

 

Bucky goes into the bedroom and grabs one of Steve’s sketchbooks after lunch.  Steve arches a brow but doesn’t say anything.  Bucky goes out onto the fire escape and starts sketching.  Steve sits on the other side of the window, like Abbi had before, and watches Bucky.  His heart breaks at what he sees.  But he’s amazed at how good the sketches are.  Bucky had hated art class.  He’d only joined because Steve had begged him. 

 

“You gonna come out here and sit, punk?”

 

“Wasn’t sure if I should, jerk.”  Bucky turns to face him and then takes his hand to pull him outside.  The air’s still warm but it’s not as humid as it had been, it makes leaning against the railing a bit more bearable.

 

“You’re really good.”  Steve says.

 

“Not as good as you are.  I just needed to get it out of my head.  I can’t put it into words.  Kinda filled this one up, sorry.”

 

“You keep it.  Use it whenever you need to.  I’ve got plenty.”  Steve says kissing him.

 

They spend the late afternoon out on the fire escape.  Some of the kids realize Steve’s up there and try to get him to come play a game of stick ball or basketball but he begs off.  Bucky feels bad and tells him to go on if he wants.  Steve just stays where he is.  Around four Jaime pokes her head out of Abbi’s window to see if they need anything.  Steve says they’re good right now.  He suspects it’s Abbi who’s worried.  Bucky dozes off a little while later and Steve just holds him while he naps. At six Abbi knocks loudly on the front door then comes in.  She’s got a container of food with her which she puts into the oven.  She tells Steve she put instructions on the table.  Then as quick as she came in she’s gone.  Bucky wakes up as she shuts the door.

 

“Did I hear Abbi?”

 

“She dropped us off dinner.  It’s in the oven read for us to reheat.  You hungry?”

 

“No.  But you go ahead.  I’m gonna go lay down.”

 

Bucky tries to hide his surprise when he feels the bed dip and Steve takes him into his arms.  He knows he slept for a while but doesn’t feel like he has.  He doesn’t really feel like he’s slept at all.  He’s not sure how to explain it to Steve.  His head won’t stop going miles a minute.  None of it is anything he can explain.  He feels like he used to right after they’d bring him out of cryrofreeze.  It scares him but he doesn’t know how to explain it to Steve.  Doesn’t know how to tell him that no matter how many times he assures him he’s safe, Bucky no longer feels it.  He knows that if he told Steve it would crush him, so he stays silent.  He feels Steve hold him tighter and kiss the back of his neck.  He hears Steve tell him he’s there that he’s got him.  He notes Steve doesn’t tell him he’s safe, but that he does tell him he’s loved.  It’s then Bucky realizes he’s been saying it all out loud and that somewhere along the way he’s gotten angry.  He rolls so his head is buried in Steve’s chest.  He clings to Steve like a lifeline.

 

Steve just holds Bucky tight.  He wants to ask how long he’s been feeling the way he has.  But he knows asking would be for purely selfish reasons.  Bucky’s right he is a little crushed at the fact Bucky doesn’t feel safe.  He decides he’s just going to have to show him. He kisses the top of Bucky’s head.  Winces slightly when Bucky pulls away then rolls away from him.  He takes Bucky’s hand in his.  Bucky gets up.

 

Steve hears the door open then close.  He gets up and grabs his keys until he realizes Bucky didn’t take his own.  He goes and knocks on Abbi’s door.  She smacks him and tells him he shouldn’t have even let Bucky get out the door.  Jaime tells her to calm down, then offers to help Steve look for him.  Steve thanks her but says he’s got it.  He asks her to keep an eye on the apartment though, that he can’t lock it up.  She says she will.

 

He heads for the park first.  He goes to their spot, there’s no sign of Bucky, not that he really expected there to be.  He hits as many of their old haunts as he can.  He checks the docks.  He comes up empty every time.  He decides to head back.  He goes back the way he came figuring it won’t hurt to check one more time. He gets back to the apartment and finds it empty still.  Jaime comes over and tells him Bucky hasn’t been back.

 

Steve sits and waits.  He paces and waits.  By the time two hours have gone by he decides he hates waiting.  He wonders if maybe he should have pushed.  He wonders if he should have stuck closer to Bucky.  He gets to hour three and calls Sam.  Sam agrees with Abbi that letting him go off by himself probably wasn’t the best idea, but also says he understands why he did it.  He offers to call Phil and see what he can find.  Steve tells him he doesn’t want to go that far yet.  Says he’s sure Bucky will come home.

 

Hour four turns into hour five and Steve is ready to call in all of the Avengers.  Bucky walks in the door just as he’s about to dial Nat.  Bucky ignores the expectant look Steve gives him.  Steve tries not to let that make him angry.  He can’t see any physical marks on Bucky that indicate he’s hurt, and yet somehow Steve can tell he is.  He goes and sits on the coffee table in front of Bucky; who stays quiet for a while.

 

“The last time I was here Abbi slipped an address under the door.  I memorized it.  It was an old folk’s home.  Rebecca was there.  I went tonight.  I wanted to see her.  Let her know for the most part I was okay.  That despite what had happened I was on the mend.  I just wanted to see my little sister.  Next to you she was the one I was closest to.  She passed away last year.  They buried her next to mom and dad.  I’ve been sitting at her grave for hours.  I didn’t even realize it was so late.”  Bucky finishes quietly.

 

“She was alone.  They said it came out of the blue.  Her kids and grandkids didn’t have time to make it home.  They’re scattered around the country.  I should have been here.  They should have at least called you.”  Bucky gets up off the couch and goes into the bedroom.  Steve follows.

 

“Hold me?”  Bucky asks.

 

Steve nods and lays down.  Then he pulls Bucky into his arms. Bucky curls into Steve and tries to hide himself.  He lets Steve soothe him as best he can.  Bucky falls asleep with a sigh.  Steve dozes and wakes to Bucky holding him down on the bed and speaking to him in Russian.  But he knows what it is.  He’s heard it before.  Bucky’s telling him he’s going to kill him.  Steve lets his body go slack.  He’s not going to fight Bucky.  He tells Bucky he loves him, tells Bucky he’s not going to hurt him, that he’s not going to let anyone else hurt him either.  Bucky grabs Steve around the throat and asks him what he wants.  Asks him how he found him.  Asks him if he thinks he can kill him.  Steve keeps telling him he loves him and isn’t going to hurt him over and over.  Bucky lets him go suddenly and scurries away from Steve.  He’s off the bed and huddled in the corner between the closet and the nightstand rocking back and forth, before Steve can even get his breath back.

 

Steve goes and sits in front of him and opens his arms.  Bucky shakes his head and keeps repeating no.  He begs Steve to make it stop.  Begs Steve to let him go.  Begs Steve to kill him.  That’s when the composure Steve’s been keeping a loose lid on breaks.  He pulls Bucky to him then and holds him.  Bucky curls into Steve and Steve wraps himself around Bucky.  Steve’s sure if anyone saw them the only way the person would know it was two people was if they could see their hair.  Steve’s not sure how long they stay like that.  He knows when the episode started it was dark.  He can feel the sun on his back.  He realizes it must have been hours.

 

Bucky uncurls himself first.  He takes Steve by the hand and helps him up then gets them both back to bed.  He pulls Steve to him.  He kisses the back of his neck and starts telling Steve he’s sorry over and over.  Steve tries to roll over and quickly realizes this is one of those times Bucky needs to hold him and have him facing away.  Steve kisses his left hand.  Bucky holds him tighter.

 

Steve keeps running his hand up and down Bucky’s left arm.  He kisses his left hand a few times.  Bucky kisses the back of his neck again then starts begging him not to leave him.  Steve wonders how much of the episode Bucky remembers.  He decides he’s going to let Bucky tell him.  He promises Bucky he’s not going anywhere.  Bucky asks him if he still loves him.  Steve clears his throat to get his emotions in check before answering and Bucky tries to push Steve away.  Steve just moves back into Bucky’s side.

 

“Always, Buck, always.  Till the end of the line.  Loved you too long to stop now, jerk.”  Steve says, because to him when he called him a jerk it’s always been his way of telling him how he felt.

 

Bucky doesn’t say anymore, but he tightens his hold on Steve again and kisses the back of his neck.  He forces Steve onto his back and curls up on top of him.  He kisses along his jaw and leans up for a real kiss, which Steve gives.  Bucky puts Steve’s arms around him and falls asleep.

 

 


	43. Chapter Forty Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long. I'm not super happy with it but I wanted to post because it felt like the best place to end the chapter. 
> 
> The good news is I have gotten my copy of Winter Soldier, which will hopefully mean I can get my mojo back.

Steve wakes alone in bed but can hear Bucky’s version of Sinatra coming from the kitchen.  He gets out of bed and pads into the kitchen to find Bucky cooking.  It’s not just breakfast foods.  He’s making a feast for about twenty people.  Steve watches him from the doorway and whistles appreciatively when Bucky bends over to get something out of the oven.  Bucky turns his head and winks at him.

 

“Morning, handsome.”  Steve says.  Bucky preens at the comment and moves to kiss him.

 

Bucky then checks Steve’s neck, kissing each bruise.  Steve lets him then pulls him in for another one on the lips.  Then he pulls Bucky in and rests his forehead against his.  It lasts for a bit, but then the timer dings and Bucky has to grab something off the stove.  He sets it on another burner and is back in Steve’s arms.  Steve chuckles softly.

 

“I can go sit in the living room if you need me to.”  Steve says, giving Bucky little pecks on the lips as he does so.

 

“Nah.  Want you close.”  Bucky says quietly.

 

“All right.  Where you need me to be so I’m not in the way?”

 

“You’re good in the doorway.  I’m almost done.  I made us enough food so we’ve got stuff for a couple of days.  And I salvaged what Abbi brought over last night too.  So that’s in the fridge.”

 

“When did you go grocery shopping?”  Steve asks.  He never heard the door.

 

“This morning.  You were still asleep.  It was about seven. I wanted to let you sleep.”  Steve hates that Bucky sounds like he’s so unsure of himself. He also doesn’t like how quiet he’s being.  Steve also realizes it means Bucky got maybe an hour of sleep after the episode.

 

“C’mere for a second.”  Steve says opening his arms.

 

“What?”  Bucky asks nervously.

 

“You know I’m not mad, right?  I’m just surprised.  I didn’t even hear anything.  I don’t usually sleep that soundly.”  Steve says kissing him.

 

“Steve.”  Bucky says quietly.

 

Before Steve can say anything the timer’s dinged again.  Bucky gets something out of the oven the sets it to cool.  Then he’s dragging Steve over to the couch.  He pushes Steve gently down then gets in front of him.  Steve kisses the back of his neck and wraps himself around Bucky. He shifts so he can run his fingers through Bucky’s hair.  Bucky arches into it and kisses Steve’s pulse point on his wrist.

 

“You all right?”  Steve asks.

 

“Falling apart.  Thought cooking would help.  Didn’t really.  This is.”  Steve hates that Bucky’s back to short sentences.  Hates that the tone of his voice is that of the Soldier.  Steve knows it means he’s spending too much time in his head.

 

“Good, I’m glad. Love you.”

 

“Love you too.” 

 

“Get some sleep, Buck.”

 

“Can’t.  If I do I’ll hurt you.”  Steve’s heart breaks at that.

 

Steve kisses the back of his neck again and holds him a little tighter.  Bucky sighs loudly and snuggles in at the same time, so Steve knows it’s not what he’s doing.  Bucky kisses his pulse point again.  Then he rolls over and snuggles in that way.  Steve kisses the top of his head.  Bucky starts shaking, but there aren’t any tears.  Steve holds him tighter with one arm and grabs the throw with the other covering them.

 

“Steve help. Talk to me.  Just talk to me.  Keep me here.”  Bucky begs.

 

Steve does.  He talks to him about the Dodgers and the games they used to go to.  Tells him they need to find a new team.  Bucky agrees but says it’s not going to be the Yankees.  Steve says he’s been checking out the Sox.  Bucky looks up at him and glares.  Steve laughs.  Steve asks him if he has any suggestions.  Bucky says they should get Tony to buy the Dodgers and then buy some land in Brooklyn, build them a new stadium.  Bring them home.  Steve promises to mention it.  Steve talks himself hoarse.  He realizes after about two hours of constant talking Bucky hasn’t been adding anything to the conversation.  When he looks down he finds Bucky looking up at him with an odd look on his face.

 

“Still with me?”

 

“Huh?  Yeah.”  Bucky says shaking his head to clear it.

 

“Or not.  Let me go get you….”  Steve kisses him.

 

“I’m okay.  Just stay right here.”  Steve says kissing him again.

 

“Steve.  I can’t focus.  Then I go into my head and can’t get out.  Maybe you should go back….”  Steve gives him a look.

 

“I am staying right here with you.  I’m not going anywhere.  You come first.  You’re what’s important.”

 

“I could hurt you.”

 

“I’ll heal.”  Bucky kisses him.  Then he gets up and pulls Steve with him.

 

Bucky goes over to the record player and puts one on.  Steve chuckles slightly.  It’s barely afternoon.  It reminds him of cold rainy winter afternoons before the serum.  When Bucky wouldn’t let him leave the apartment and insisted on staying with him to keep him entertained.  Bucky pulls him into his arms and starts dancing with him.  He croons in his ear.

 

“We used to do this before.  Usually ended up with us in bed.  But not because… at least not in the beginning.   You’d get tired easy.  Need a nap.  It’d be so cold I’d insist on taking one too.  But when we started fooling around it would be because of that too.  You said once my singing got to you.”

 

“Still does.”  Steve says kissing him.  He’s more than willing to let Bucky take the lead and set the pace.  And if making love is going to help him, Steve isn’t going to tell him no.

 

Bucky croons in his ear till the end of the record.  He leads him to the bedroom kissing him the whole way.  It’s no surprise to Steve when Bucky puts the breaks on once they’re in bed. Steve tries to not let it bother him when Bucky apologizes for stopping. He shushes him with a kiss. Steve holds him and tells him to rest.  Tells him he’s not going anywhere.  Steve looks down a little later to find Bucky just staring at the closet.  He runs his fingers through Bucky’s hair and kisses the top of his head.  Bucky sighs and rolls away from him.  He doesn’t get up so Steve takes it as a good sign.  When Bucky reaches back and takes Steve’s hand, he takes that as an even better sign. 

 

They lay like that for a while and then Bucky startles Steve by speaking.  It’s quiet, and to Steve he sounds angrier than he’s ever heard him.  It takes a second but he realizes Bucky’s in his own head.  He’s telling Zola he’s not going to get what he wants.  That Bucky is always going to fight him.  That he refuses to be their new ‘fist of HYDRA’.  That he shouldn’t have given him the arm.  He’s just going to use it to destroy every last piece of HYDRA scum he can get his hands on.  He tells him to go ahead and laugh.  Calls him a son of a bitch.  Then screams. Steve tries to comfort him and gets punched in the face.  Bucky tells him not to touch him.  Calls him a HYDRA bastard.  Steve takes it with a grimace on his face. 

 

Bucky keeps talking.  Keeps telling them they aren’t going to win.  That he’ll stop them.  That Steve will come for him like he did the last time.  He screams no over and over after that; then starts sobbing saying Steve’s name over and over. Calls him a stupid punk.  Steve holds him then and kisses the back of his neck.  He tells him he’s here that he loves him, and that he’s in Brooklyn, that it’s two thousand and fourteen.  That they made it out.  That they’re together.  Bucky jerks away from him and is back between the nightstand and the closet.  He’s curled in on himself sobbing.  Steve isn’t sure what to do.

 

He calls Sam, he doesn’t answer so Steve calls Tony.  Tony’s no help, but Bruce says to take his hand and hold it if he can.  Bruce says that should be enough to anchor him and bring him out of it.  Steve points out that he was holding him before he jerked away and Bruce tells him to do it anyway.  Bruce goes on to say that given what Bucky’s remembering it might have been too much, but the hand hold should be just enough for him to know he’s not alone.  When Bucky punches Steve again while he’s on the phone Tony laughs in the background.  Bruce tells Steve to just touch Bucky in some way.  To not leave him alone.  Tony tells him Pepper’s offered to come bring him ice.  Steve tells him to shut up then hangs up.

 

He puts his hand on Bucky’s foot lightly.  Just rests it there.  He grabs a sketchbook from the nightstand and realizes it’s the one he gave Bucky.  That’s when he gets an idea.  He starts sketching.  He sketches them from now.  He makes sure to draw the arm in detail, starting with it having the star then moving to his shield.  He makes sure to draw Bucky’s hair so he can tell it went from long and straggly to shorter.  He draws any detail he can think of that will help Bucky realize he’s in the future and that they’re together.  The last few he draws are ones of them in bed, Bucky with his hair sprawled on the pillow while Steve makes patterns on his chest.  Bucky with his head on Steve’s chest left arm clearly visible, with Steve walking his fingers up it.  He’s working on one of Bucky watching Steve, while Steve’s talking to someone when he feels Bucky brush a ghost of a kiss over his jaw.

 

“You all right, punk?”

 

“Fine.”  Steve says, poking his tongue out between his teeth in concentration.  Bucky brushes another kiss over his jaw then rests his head on his shoulder.

 

“How do you do that?”  Bucky asks taking the hand that’s resting on his foot and holding it.

 

“What?”  Steve asks quietly.

 

“Get everything going in on my head in my facial expressions.  You’ve done it before.  Just wondering how.”

 

“Don’t know.” Steve says, but Bucky can tell he’s not really paying attention.  Bucky chuckles softly.

 

“What’s so funny?”  Steve asks, beaming at him.

 

“Nothing.  I love you.”  Bucky says kissing his shoulder.  Steve sets the sketchbook down and Bucky picks it up to look through the new drawings.  He gasps then pulls Steve to him.

 

“Steve.”  Bucky says because he really can’t think of anything else to say.

 

“I thought they might help.”  Steve says as way of explanation.

 

“C’mere I want to cuddle.”  Bucky says pulling Steve into his lap.  It’s a tight fit but they make it work.

 

Steve shifts in his lap and Bucky snuggles in a bit too.  They both let out a laugh then Steve gets up and pulls Bucky with him.  They fall onto the bed and Bucky kisses along Steve’s jaw.  He kisses him again on the lips then just lays on him.  Steve kisses his temple.  Bucky mumbles something Steve doesn’t catch.

 

“Hmmm?”  Steve asks.

 

“I said I want you and shouldn’t.”

 

“Bucky.”  Bucky kisses him to quiet him before continuing.

 

“I don’t mean like it used to be.  I’m just not in the right headspace.  It would probably start to freak me out at some point.  You know when I first came back I wanted you like this, but I was so scared I could ignore it.  I didn’t know if you’d stick around to put me back together so it was easier to ignore.  Now though, I know you’re not going anywhere.  It’s making it tougher.  But at the same time I need to…."  Steve kisses him softly.

 

“Whatever you need.  If you need to just take then do it.  It’s okay Buck.”  Bucky kisses him and then rests his head back on his chest.

 

“Steve.”  Bucky says quietly.

 

“Did I say the wrong thing?”

 

“No.”  Bucky says rutting against him.

 

“Roll over.”  Bucky does so and Steve starts kissing him.  He kisses down his body and looks up at him as he takes his jeans off. 

 

Bucky starts shaking and Steve stops.  He goes back up and kisses him.  He lets Bucky bring him in and hold him tightly.  Bucky starts apologizing and Steve kisses him to shush him.  Bucky kisses him and just holds him.  Steve worries he’s just majorly fucked things up but then Bucky shifts against his leg and moans in the back of his throat.

 

“Steve.”  Bucky moans out when Steve shifts his leg. He does it again and Bucky doesn’t bother quieting himself.  He comes with a moan of Steve’s name.

 

“Better?”  Steve asks kissing him.

 

“Sorry about….”  Steve kisses him again.

 

“It’s okay. I didn’t really think it through.”

 

“You want…”

 

“No.”  Steve says blushing furiously.  Bucky just chuckles.

 

“That happened before.”  Bucky says and Steve’s surprised at how sure he is.

 

“Shut up, jerk.  I can’t help the fact my boyfriend moaning my name gets me off.”  Bucky chuckles.

 

“Shower?”

 

“You sure?  I can just take one when you’re done.”

 

Bucky answers by dragging him into the bathroom.  They shower together and Bucky kisses Steve everywhere.  When they get out Bucky dries Steve off and kisses everywhere again. Steve is quickly losing his composure when Bucky stops.  Steve goes on alert because Bucky’s staring at him funny.

 

“Buck?”

 

“You’re… who are you and where’s Steve?” 

 

“Buck, it’s me.  It’s Steve.”

 

“I’m gonna ask you one more time pal, where’s Steve?”

 

“I’m right here Buck. “

 

Bucky stares at him, blinks a few times and shakes his head, as if to clear it.  He backs away from him and leans against the door.  Then he starts begging for Steve to come find him.  He slides down the wall and puts his head in hands.  The broken sound coming from him breaks Steve.  He crouches down in front of Bucky and tries to soothe him.  It’s not easy.  Bucky shifts away every couple of seconds.  Steve almost thinks the bridge was better, having him not know him at all, was better than this.

 

Bucky leans back against the door and closes his eyes.  Steve shifts so he’s sitting on the floor.  Bucky takes a few deep breaths and shakes his head again.  He pulls Steve to him suddenly and holds him tight.  He starts crying and Steve just holds him.  Steve whispers to him he’s right there.  That he loves him.  Bucky raises his head from Steve’s shoulder and cups his face then kisses him.

 

“Steve, you’re here.  You shouldn’t be here you were supposed to stay home.  What happened to you?  You’re huge.”

 

“Buck.”  Steve says just holding him.

 

“Steve.  You okay?”  Bucky asks looking at him like he knows him.

 

“Yeah.  Of course, you?”

 

“Can we go back to bed?  I need to hold you.  If this is how it’s going to go then I don’t want to fall apart.  How can you hold me together if I don’t even know who you are?”

 

“We’ll figure it out.”  Steve says as they get up.

 

They get back in bed and Steve just lays so he’s facing away from Bucky.  He smiles when Bucky kisses the back of his neck then his shoulder.  Bucky falls asleep a few minutes later. Steve waits a bit then gets up and goes out on the fire escape.  He calls Sam and gets Sam’s voicemail again.  He calls Nat and she thankfully answers but says she has no idea where Sam is.  She asks if there’s anything she can do.  Steve asks if she has time to talk.

 

“For you always.  You all right?”

 

“No.”  Steve says, because really what’s the point in lying?  He’s never been good at it anyway.

 

“What’s wrong?  Is James all right?”

 

“Physically yes.  Mentally no, and I don’t think I’m helping.  In fact I’m pretty sure I’m making it worse.  He didn’t recognize me.  And I couldn’t get through to him.  Didn’t know how to reach him.”

 

“How is he now?”

 

“Sleeping. “

 

“Before he went to sleep did he remember who you were, and where he was?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Steve?”  Bucky calls from the bedroom.

 

“Got to go.  I’ll keep you posted.”  Steve says as he hangs up.  Bucky comes out onto the fire escape and pulls him into his arms.

 

“You can give up you know.  Call Coulson, tell him to lock me up and throw away the key.”

 

“Never.”  Steve says with the fierceness that calms Bucky’s shattered nerves.  Bucky holds him tighter.

 

“Steve.”  Bucky says, kissing the back of his neck.

 

Steve turns in Bucky’s arms so he’s facing him.  He kisses him softly then just holds him.  Bucky holds tight.  Bucky kisses the side of his neck.  He kisses his shoulder too.  Then he hides his face in Steve’s neck for a few minutes.  Steve sits them back down.

 

“I used to see you.  They’d pull me out of cryo and before they’d wipe me I’d think you’d come to save me.  But it was always skinny you for some reason.  I don’t know why. It’s not like you then would have been able to do anything.  But then my head would clear and I’d realize you weren’t there.  I scared you. I’m sorry.”

 

“Sh.  Buck it’s okay.  We got through it.”  Steve says shifting to hold him closer, if that’s possible.  His leg brushes against Bucky who looks from Steve’s shoulder frightened.  It’s the same look he had on the helicarrier and Steve hates it.

 

Bucky shrinks back from Steve suddenly and goes inside.  Steve follows him and hates what he sees.  Bucky’s rocking back and forth, begging Steve not to hurt him.  Saying he’s sorry for what he did.  Steve isn’t even sure where it came from.  He’s not even sure what he’s supposed to be mad at Bucky about.

 

“Bucky it’s all right.  Whatever it is, it’s all right.  I’m not going to hurt you.  Buck, please.  It’s all right.  I’m here.  I love you.”  Steve says getting behind him to take him in his arms.

****

**_“Don’t touch me.”_** Bucky says, his voice full of venom.  Steve gets up and sits in front of him.

 

Bucky grabs him and throws him off the bed into the wall.  He slumps to the ground and Bucky pulls him up and slams him into the wall.  Steve fights to stay conscious.   Bucky does it again and he can’t.  His last thought before everything goes dark is _please don’t leave Buck.  Stay let me help._

 

When Steve wakes he’s not sure how much time’s passed.  The apartment is too quiet.  He tries to get up and can’t.  The room’s spinning.  He tries again and makes it onto his knees.  Trying to get any higher though makes the room spin like a ride at Coney Island.  He sits back down.  What worries him is that the apartment is so quiet.  He shifts so he’s not facing the window to find Bucky watching him from the bed.  He’s got one of the knives from the kitchen on his knee.  _All right, I can work with this.  He didn’t leave that’s the important thing._   Steve thinks to himself.  He clears his throat.  Bucky looks over.

 

“Bucky, are you okay?  Did you hurt yourself?”

 

Bucky stares at him blankly.  Steve gets back up on his knees slowly.  He moves even slower closer to the bed.  Bucky takes the knife and starts to play with it; flipping it and catching it. Steve sits at the foot.  Bucky continues to stare into space, but there’s a glint in his eyes Steve’s seen before.  It’s not something he’s seen in seventy odd years and like it did then, it scares him a little.

 

“Bucky it’s okay.  I’m here.  I love you.  No one’s going to find you here.”  Steve says gently.  He aches to tell him that he’s safe, but given what Bucky’s said yesterday Steve knows he won’t believe him. 

 

Bucky starts talking in Russian so fast Steve can’t even catch a few words. He’s not even sure Bucky isn’t saying the same thing over and over, though it doesn’t sound like it.  Steve wishes he could call Natasha.  He doesn’t want to risk it though.  He tries to explain to Bucky he can’t understand him and gets the knife thrown at him.  It misses him by a fraction of an inch landing in the wall just behind him.  Steve’s at a loss for what to do.  He can’t seem to reach him and he’s still feeling groggy from being slammed into the wall.  Bucky stops talking suddenly and stares intently at Steve.  He cocks his head to the side.  He reaches out and touches his face, tracing it lightly with his fingers.  Steve lets him.  Bucky blinks a few times, yanks his hand away and collapses onto his side shaking.  He reaches for Steve with his left hand and Steve lets him haul him onto the bed next to him.  He lets Bucky push himself back into him.  He lets Bucky demand he hold him.  Steve repeats what he’s told him a few moments ago and finally Bucky speaks.  It’s not what Steve wants to hear but it’s a start.

 

“Don’t lie to me.”  It’s all Soldier.  The only bit of Bucky in it is the sound of his voice.  But it’s a start and at this point Steve will take what he can get.

 

“Never, Bucky.  I’d never do that.  I am **_not_** going anywhere.  I love you.  I’m going to stay right here.  I’ve got you.”

 

“You smell like him.  You sound like him.  You even look like him.”

 

“Because I am him Buck.  You’ve known me your whole life.”

 

“If you’re lying I will kill you.”  Bucky says, all soldier. 

 

“I know, Buck, I’d expect nothing less.  You always were protecting me.”  Bucky holds him tighter then.  Steve thinks he might have reached him.

 

Bucky tightens his hold even more then kisses the back of his neck.  Then he forces Steve onto his back and kisses him hard.  He bites Steve’s lower lip and draws blood.  He then lays on Steve putting all of his weight down.  Steve decides being crushed to death by Bucky would be an okay way to die, though he’s not entirely sure how Bucky would feel about it.  He lets Bucky do whatever it is he’s going to.  He’s about to tell Bucky he loves him when Bucky whispers to him.

 

“What?”  Steve asks quietly.  Bucky says it again and Steve realizes he’s saying punk over and over.

 

“That’s me.  Come on jerk.  You way a ton you wanna move a bit?  Lemme breathe.”

 

“Stevie.  Shit.  What did…?  Oh God, Stevie.”

 

“Hey, no.  It’s okay.  I’m fine.”

 

“Your lip’s bleeding and you can barely keep your eyes open.  How long?”

 

“I don’t know.  A few hours I think.”  Steve says quietly.  He opts not to tell Bucky he was unconscious for some of it.

 

“What aren’t you telling me?  And don’t say nothing.  I know something… why is the butcher knife in the… Okay you’re going back to the tower tonight.”  Bucky says, and Steve can see it in his face that he’s remembered.

 

“No I’m staying right here with you.  Buck, I’m fine.  But if you make me go back to the tower I won’t be.  End of the line means I’m not going to just turn and run when you go so far into your head you get a little forceful.”

 

“You always were too stubborn for your own good.”

 

“I thought that was one of the things you love about me.”

 

“It is.  I’m…”  Steve kisses him softly.  Bucky just rolls Steve so he can pull him to him.

 

“I love you.  Don’t doubt that.  Promise me.”

 

“Oh believe me, you threatening to kill me if I wasn’t me proved that.”  Steve says lightly.

 

“Shit.  Did I tell you that you smelled like you?”

 

“You did.”  Steve says with a chuckle. 

 

Bucky hides his head in Steve’s shoulder then kisses it.  He shakes his head.  Steve looks behind him and tries not to worry.  Tries also to not be scared.  He can see it happening.  He can see Bucky going into his head this time.  He stays perfectly still just shifts so he’s completely facing away from Bucky.  Bucky shifts slightly and holds him a little tighter.  Then he snuggles in more and falls asleep.  Steve wonders what he’s going to be dealing with when he wakes up. 

 


	44. Chapter Forty Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter didn't format right, I checked it in a preview but if you find something off while reading please let me know so I can adjust it. Also, the translations for what Bucky and Steve say are at the end. Hope you all enjoy.

Steve wakes to the sound of sobbing next to him.  He rolls over to find Bucky practically falling off the bed.  Steve pulls him to him and holds him while he sobs.  Bucky keeps saying he can’t be gone over and over.  Says it can’t be the end of the line.  Steve realizes what’s going on and just holds him tighter.  Bucky rolls over and snuggles in wrapping his arms tightly around him.  He kisses over Steve’s heart as he wakes up.

 

 “You’re here.  Zola said you were dead, but you’re here.” Bucky says looking up at him.  Bucky gets a horrified look on his face and tries to shrink away.

 

 “Hey, no.  It’s all right.  Whatever it is, it’s all right.”

 

 “I’m a monster.”  Bucky says quietly trying to get out of Steve’s arms.  Steve just holds him tighter.

 

 “No, Bucky, no.”

 

 “Look at me Steve.”  Bucky says moving his left arm.

 

 “No you’re not.  You’re perfect.  I love you.”

 

 “How can you?  Look at me.”  Bucky says trying to get away again.

 

 “Because, I always have.  I always will.”

 

Bucky shifts back into his arms more and starts begging him to promise him it’s true.  Saying he can make it through whatever Zola and his HYDRA goons throw at him if Steve loves him.  Steve swears he does.  Tells Bucky he always has, that he always will.  Steve once again thinks Bucky is trying to disappear into him, like he did after he rescued him.  Steve wraps himself around Bucky as much as he can.  Bucky falls back into a fitful sleep.  Steve stays awake soothing him as best he can.

 

 When Bucky wakes again a few hours later He sounds lost.  Steve feels like he doesn’t know he’s there.  Steve isn’t sure what’s going on.  Isn’t sure how to make this okay.  How to bring Bucky back from this.  He holds him, tells him he’s loved.  Tells him he’s always going to be with him.  That he’s never going to leave him. 

 

 Bucky begs them to not take it away.  He promises to do whatever they want if they won’t take it away.  He starts shaking and screaming.  Then he pulls himself out of Steve’s arms and shrinks to the corner of the bed.  He keeps asking what his mission is.  Keeps begging Steve to give him orders, then he’s begging Steve to make it stop.  Then Bucky stops talking altogether and just stares.  Steve moves so he’s in front of him, tries to get him to focus and can’t.

 

Steve stays with him.  He’s not sure how long they sit like that.  He thinks for a fraction of a second that this may be the thing he won’t be able to bring Bucky back from, but he shakes it off.  He’s not losing Bucky to HYDRA again.  He won’t.  He takes Bucky’s hand in his and just holds it loosely.  Bucky blinks once and looks down at their hands then up at Steve.  He does it a few more times, then shifts a little closer.  Steve opens his arms and Bucky moves into them.  He’s not fully aware of his surroundings yet, Steve doesn’t think, but the fact that he’s willing to be held Steve figures is a step in the right direction.  Steve runs his fingers through Bucky’s hair and he leans into the touch.  Steve kisses his temple and then Bucky curls into his lap.  He clutches to Steve.

 

 “Don’t leave me again.  Stay with me Stevie.  Don’t leave me.”

 

 “Not going anywhere.  I promise.  I’ve got you.  I love you.”

 

 “We’re home?”  Bucky asks, sounding lost and frightened.

 

 “Yeah, Buck.  We’re home.  You’re with me.  I’ve got you.”

 

 Bucky shifts in Steve’s lap to get more comfortable then falls asleep.  Steve gives it half an hour, to make sure he’s really asleep then he picks him up as gingerly as he can and puts him to bed.  Steve sits next to him and lets him sleep with his head in his lap.  Steve runs his fingers through Bucky’s hair and watches him sleep.  Sleep doesn’t come to him.  Bucky sleeps the rest of the day.  When he wakes it’s late at night, but he knows who he is.  Knows who Steve is.  In Steve’s mind that’s a small victory.

 

 Bucky gets up and pulls Steve out of bed.  He drags him out to the living room then pulls Steve down with him on the couch.  Steve’s about to ask what the heck Bucky’s doing when Bucky starts crooning in his ear and carding his fingers through his hair.  Steve fights to stay awake, but Bucky’s crooning relaxes him and he falls asleep.  Steve wakes to Bucky holding him tight.  He’s talking to him but Steve can’t really make it out.  It’s not in English or Russian.  He finally recognizes it as French and realizes he’s telling him he loves him.

  “Steve, je vais toujours vous aimer. Vous voulez dire le monde à moi. Ne jamais douter. Je sais que cela a été effrayant . Je sais que vous avez de doute, vous allez me perdre pour mon propre esprit, mais vous n'êtes pas. Je peux le sentir, il ya toujours une partie de moi avec vous . Souviens juste Je t'aime jusqu'à la fin de la ligne . Tenez que, même si le plus dur des moments. Je vais toujours me battre de nouveau à vous.  Je t'aime.”  He kisses Bucky softly. 

 

  “Je t’aime, mon amour.  Steve replies kissing him again.   

 

It goes like this for the rest of the night.  It’s various languages and Bucky changes things up a bit but the message is the same.  Some of it Steve can translate.  Most of it he can’t.  He makes a note to ask Bucky if he’d like him to learn any of them.  Bucky stops talking, tilts Steve’s head up and then kisses him senseless.  

 “Steve.”  Bucky says quietly. 

 “Hmmm.”  Steve moans as Bucky starts kissing his jaw and down to his shoulder.  Steve shifts to grant him more access, but Bucky just goes back to his lips.   

 

“Do you even know what I said?”  He asks between kisses.  

 

 “You told me you love me.  That’s all.”  Bucky nods and just keeps kissing him. 

 

 “Bucky.” Steve, says breathlessly between kisses.   Bucky stops kissing him and looks down.

 

  “Should I not be kissing you?”  Bucky asks, scared, it’s the only way for Steve to describe it.  He sounds frightened.  

“Oh, Bucky, of course you can kiss me.  Of course you can.  I want you to.  I… want more even.”  Steve finishes quietly.    

 

 Bucky surges in to kiss him.  He licks the cut on Steve’s lip and he shivers.  Bucky keeps kissing down his body and seems to preen each time Steve moans.  He stops suddenly and shifts away.  Steve moves to be closer to him and Bucky looks up at Steve with that look he had on the helicarrier.   

 

  “Buck, you’re all right.  I’m right here.  No one’s going to hurt you.  It’s all right.”  Bucky shifts even further away.  

 

 “Don’t touch me.  Stay away.”  Bucky says going into his mind.  

 

 Steve stays close, but makes sure to not lean so he’s touching Bucky.  Bucky continues to rock back and forth and starts speaking in Russian.  Steve has no idea what he’s saying.  He just knows he sounds lost and scared.  Steve curses everyone he can think of in his head.  He apologizes for not following him off the train.  Bucky throws himself into Steve’s arms and clings to him.  Soon they’re curled around each other.  Bucky holds Steve tight.  

 

 “Steve?”  Bucky says quietly.    

 

 “Right here.  I’ve got you.”  

 

 “Got to be too much.  Came on too fast.  Couldn’t tell you.  Did I hurt you this time?”  

 

 “No.”   Steve says running his fingers through Bucky’s hair.  

 

 “Love you.”  

 

 “Love you too.”  

 

 “Told you I was gonna be with you till the end of the line.  Before, when I was…”  Bucky says, becoming more and more agitated as he does.  Steve kisses him softly. 

 

  “You’re okay.  I promise.  I’m right here.  No one’s going to hurt you.  It’s just you and me."  Bucky snuggles in more, and Steve has to fight the urge to chuckle because despite them being wrapped tightly around each other Bucky has managed to get even closer.  He kisses Steve’s chest and rests his forehead against his.    

 

“Make it stop Stevie.  I don’t want to fall apart anymore.  It’s too much, too fast.  I’m scared.  I don’t think I’m ever going to be me again.  Zola and Pierce are going to win.  I’m never going to be me again.  You’re going to leave me.  I don’t want you to leave me.  I want you with me.  I want you to love me.  You’re not going to love me anymore.”  

 

 “Always, Bucky.  I am **_always_** going to love you.” Bucky kisses him then.   

 

 “I sound like such a wuss right now.” Bucky says angrily.  

 

 “You don’t.” Bucky gives Steve a look, Steve just kisses him senseless. 

 

  “What was that, Rogers?” 

 

  “Just wanted to kiss you silly.” Steve says looking down. 

 

  “I love you.” Bucky says getting out of Steve’s lap. He pulls Steve up the bed then holds him.  

 

 “Are you hungry?” Steve asks.  

 

 “No. Just worn out. But go on and eat something. I made enough.” Steve shakes his head and walks his fingers up Bucky’s arm. Bucky shivers and kisses the back of his neck. He’s asleep in minutes.  

 

 Steve gives it half an hour then he gets up and goes to the kitchen. He pulls down two plates and sets about fixing them. He’s humming and dancing around the kitchen when Bucky suddenly wraps his arms around him. He spins Steve around and kisses him hard. He picks Steve up and he has no choice but to wrap himself around Bucky. Bucky kisses down Steve’s neck, giving him no choice but to throw his head back. He moans loudly and Bucky chuckles into his skin.   Bucky moves so Steve’s sitting lower in the hold. He can feel how hard Bucky is through his jeans and moans again. Steve remembers the last time this happened, he was three sizes smaller and Bucky was all sweaty and hot. It was just a quick hand job, but he wanted Bucky to take him on the table.   He toys with the idea of begging Bucky to just take him on the kitchen table now. To make his fantasy a reality.  Bucky must read his mind because in on swift motion he’s clearing off the table and in another working Steve’s jeans off as well as his own. Steve moans loudly again, he knows he should probably be worried about someone hearing, but well he’s too turned on by the way Bucky’s being right now. All he wants is Bucky inside him. He begs but Bucky just ignores it. He preps Steve as best he can. Steve’s so turned on Bucky could just take him and he wouldn’t care. Steve makes sure to tell him so. Soon enough Bucky’s inside him with a moan of his own. It doesn’t take long for Steve to come with a moan of Bucky’s name. Bucky’s not far behind him. Before Steve can even move Bucky’s backing away, pulling his jeans up and looking horrified. He’s out of the kitchen and into the bathroom. Steve chases after him. 

 

Bucky’s laying by the toilet on the floor shaking. Steve goes to him immediately and gets him so that his head is in his lap. He cards his fingers through Bucky’s hair and tells him he loves him. Bucky tries to shift away but Steve tells him to stay put. Bucky sags back into his lap.  

 

 “What happened?” Steve asks softly.   

 

“I forced you. I shou….” Steve leans down and turns Bucky’s face and then kisses him.   

 

“Did I tell you to stop? Did I give you any indication I didn’t want what just happened?”  

 

 “No, but I didn’t really….” Steve kisses him again.   

 

“Sh. I wanted you to. God did I want you to. You didn’t hurt me. It felt good.”  

 

 “I… Did…. I…” Steve shifts him so he can hold him. Bucky leans into the touch.   

 

“It happened before. But we didn’t… I didn’t… we…” Steve kisses him.  

 

 “You want me to tell you or do you want to remember it on your own.”  

 

 “You were smaller.” Bucky looks up to Steve for confirmation. He nods.    

 

“I came home from the docks. I was all sweaty. It was summer so I was sweatier than…. You were cooking and I came in and…. You pushed me into the wall. Then we somehow ended up against the table getting each other off. It was before the expo so that’s as far as it went. We had a bath after. You said it was to conserve water. I just gave you a look.” Bucky looks up at him to be sure he’s got it right. Steve’s beaming at him, and is blushing a bit. Bucky kisses him.  

 

 “Then we had dinner in bed. We stayed curled around each other that night despite the heat. You said you didn’t care. Said you were cold all day anyway. I just let you lie to me.” Bucky says. 

 

  “I was cold. Course back then I was always cold.”  

 

 “Sorry. I….” Steve kisses him.  

 

 “I am beyond okay with what happened.” Bucky kisses him again. Then gets up.   

 

“I’m starving now.” Bucky says leading him out to the kitchen to grab the plates. 

 

  They have dinner in bed. They wrap around each other like they did all those years ago. Bucky tells Steve he can’t tell who was holding who. Steve tells him that because he was smaller then, Bucky let him rest his head on his chest. Steve says if Bucky wants to switch it up now he’d be okay with it. Bucky just pulls Steve to him and kisses him. Then he shifts so Steve’ resting his head on Bucky’s chest. That’s how they fall asleep, just like that night so many years ago, Steve falls asleep to Bucky’s heart beat lulling him there. Bucky kisses the top of his head and tells him he loves him before falling back to sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky: Steve, I am always going to love you. You mean the world to me. Don't ever doubt that. I know this has been scary. I know you've worried you're going to lose me to my own mind, but you aren't. I can feel it, there's still a part of me with you. Just remember I love you till the end of the line. Hold onto that, even if the toughest of moments. I will always fight my way back to you. I love you.
> 
> Steve: I love you, my love.
> 
> If any of this is wrong, I reserve the right to blame google tanslator.


	45. Chapter Forty Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Good News: I have found my mojo for writing this again.
> 
> The Bad New: It's not in this chapter.
> 
> Just hang in there. The fluff and action are coming.

Steve wakes to Bucky running his fingers through his hair and murmuring in his sleep. Steve can’t make it out but he doesn’t sound upset so Steve opts not to worry. He lays awake until his stomach growling forces him to try and get up. Bucky won’t let him go though. He kisses Bucky’s chest to try and soothe him.

 

“Stay. Too early to get up.” Bucky says kissing the top of his head again.

 

“It’s almost… noon. We slept till almost noon.” Steve says amazed.

 

“Should we….” Steve leans up to kiss away the upset tone.

 

“I’m just surprised. You and I never slept this late before. And I don’t usually need more than a couple of hours. I’m not angry.”

 

“You said I make a comfy pillow. You said that was why.” Bucky says, and to Steve he sounds scared still, like he’s waiting to be punished. Steve hates it.

 

“You do. It’s why I can fall asleep so easily when we cuddle and I’m lying on you. You always have. I love just lying around on you.” Steve knows he sounds stupid. He doesn’t care, the way Bucky lights back up makes it worth it.

 

“Can we… would it be…. Can we…” Steve leans up and cards his fingers through Bucky’s hair.

 

“Anything you want. Did you want to spend the day in bed?” Steve asks. Bucky nods, and looks away.

 

“You don’t have to ask for that. Just say punk, we’re staying in bed all day. I’ll stay put.” Steve says quietly to him.

 

Bucky doesn’t say anything. Just shifts them so he can snuggle into Steve. Steve holds him tight and kisses him where he can. Bucky starts to shake again. It scares Steve a little and he makes a note to call Bruce when Bucky falls back to sleep, if he does. Steve tells him he’s got him. The shaking gets worse and Bucky says he’s cold. Steve realizes he’s burning up. He tells Bucky he’s going to get up to get him some aspirin. Bucky lets him up and Steve grabs his phone off the nightstand.

 

He gets the aspirin and a glass of water. He leaves Bruce a voicemail and asks him to stop by. Steve gives him a brief rundown of what’s going on. He tells him to just knock as he comes in. That the door will be unlocked. He goes back to bed and helps Bucky sit up to take the pills. Bucky eyes them suspiciously so Steve takes one himself. Bucky waits a few minutes and once he realizes Steve isn’t going to keel over takes them. Steve curses the universe for what’s happened to him. Bucky drinks the rest of the water then pulls Steve to him to go back to sleep.

 

Bruce arrives half an hour later with Tony and Pepper in tow. Pepper sets about making them something to eat. She also runs out to get them orange juice. She gets back to find Bucky pointing the butcher knife at Tony and Bruce. He’s got Steve behind him, as if he’s protecting him. Tony tries to get her to stay behind them but Pepper just gets between the three of them.

 

“Bucky, it’s okay. You’re safe. Bruce just wants to make sure you’re not having a bad reaction to the drugs working them way of your system, from what HYDRA did to you. It’s okay. Can you give me the knife? Please?” 

 

Bucky shakes his head to clear it then the knife hits the floor with a clank. He drops down to his knees and curls in on himself. Steve tries to hold him but he pushes him away. Steve looks to Bruce for help. Bruce drops down in front of Bucky and whispers something to him. Bucky uncurls himself then goes into Steve’s lap. Steve kisses his temple. Bucky’s shaking and murmuring to himself. Steve realizes he’s begging them to not hurt him. He keeps saying he’s sorry. Tony crouches down and gently touches Bucky’s shoulder to get his attention. Bucky turns to him and the look that flashes across Tony’s face physically hurts Steve. He winces slightly.

 

“Barnes, none of us are angry. None of us are going to hurt you. Bruce is going to take your temperature, thermometer in the ear, and I’m just going to take a quick blood sample. Steve’s going to hold you the whole time. Can we do that?” Tony asks. 

 

Steve is amazed by how gentle Tony’s being. Bucky nods and holds out his flesh arm to him. Bruce takes his temp and grimaces at the result then shows it to Tony, who makes the same face. Pepper grabs a blanket and wraps it around Bucky. She runs her fingers through his hair and kisses the top of his head. He arches into the touch. Tony takes Bruce into the living room so they can confer. Steve wants to go listen but he doesn’t dare leave Bucky. They come back in and pull Pepper out with them. 

 

“Bucky, Tony and Bruce need to talk to Steve for a minute. Can you let him up?” She asks gently. Bucky nods once and moves out of Steve’s lap, curling back in on himself. Steve goes over and kisses his temple quick before heading into the living room.

 

“Make it quick.” Steve says.

 

“His temp is high. Not he needs medical attention high, but higher than it should be. Tony’s going to put a rush on the test results. Take his temp once an hour. Keep him hydrated. If it goes to 103 call me. And if he wants to sleep let him. Did you have any indication he wasn’t feeling well?”

 

“He got sick last night. I just thought it was part of an episode.”

 

“Okay. If it happens again let me know. It just be a flu. Or it could be a delayed reaction to being off whatever HYDRA pumped into him”

 

“Thanks, both of you, for coming so quick.” Steve says.

 

“Whatever, Capsicle. Pepper you ready to go?” Tony says like it’s not a big deal. Bruce nods.

 

“Once Steve gets back in here.” Pepper calls from the bedroom.

 

Steve goes in and Bucky immediately clings to him. Steve kisses him softly and maneuvers him back to bed. Bucky falls into a fitful sleep. He cries out a few times. Steve hears the door close and lock. He settles in himself and tries to sleep, he’s so worried about Bucky it doesn’t come. Bucky wakes when Steve takes his temperature again. He drinks some water and takes some aspirin, then he’s back to sleep. 

 

When Bucky wakes again he curls into Steve and immediately begins apologizing for not being one hundred percent. He keeps asking Steve to not be angry; keeps saying he’ll be better tomorrow. He begs Steve just give him the day. Steve just holds him and fights to keep his emotions in check. Not for the first time Steve thinks Nick shooting Pierce was too noble a death for him. Not for the first time Steve thinks Pierce should have had to experience just some of the torture Bucky went through. Not for the first time Steve doesn’t care if that makes him a bad person, he’s sure his mother would agree as opposed to scold.

 

Bucky sleeps on and off for the rest of the day. He manages to keep toast down but anything else upsets his stomach. Steve’s reluctant to give him the orange juice but he keeps asking for it, so Steve relents. Steve stays on alert the whole time. He checks Bucky’s temperature, which while not normal doesn’t go up. Bruce checks in every couple of hours. Tony calls in the early evening to say he has the results back; they’re inconclusive. Steve tries to not let that worry him. Tony says it’s not a bad thing. Just means he needs to run different tests.

 

“What about the Tesseract?” Steve asks just as Tony’s about to hang up.

 

“Thor’s still looking into it. He says it’s still locked up tight. Loki hasn’t been near it. But even Thor says to keep you both out of the tower until he can be sure there’s nothing going on. I’m inclined to agree.”

 

“He needs to be here anyway. What’s the status on the HYDRA situation?” Steve asks.

 

“Sam and the gang have it under control. Peggy insisted I not tell you any more than that should you ask. Apparently, your job is Bucky. Sorry.”

 

“Don’t be. Keep me posted. I’m going to go.” 

 

“Will do, and Steve, try not to worry. It’s probably just the flu.” Steve makes a noncommittal noise as he hangs up.

 

“Stevie?” Bucky says quietly.

 

“Right here.”

 

“I want… can I… I….” Bucky says nervously.

 

“What do you need Buck?” Steve asks gently, kissing his shoulder.

 

“A shower. Or a bath. Is that okay?” Steve just goes into the bathroom and starts to get the water ready.

 

He comes out and helps Bucky into the room. He gets Bucky out of his clothes then kisses him before helping him into the shower. He tells him he’s going to go change the bed and that he’ll leave the bathroom door open in case Bucky needs anything. Bucky calls to him just as he’s hit the bathroom door. Steve turns and Bucky crooks his finger. Steve chuckles and gets undressed then joins him in the shower.

 

They get out and Bucky dries off then wraps the towel around his waist. Steve swallows the moan threatening to escape and sets about changing the bed quickly. When it’s done Bucky removes the towel and gets in bed. Steve gulps. Bucky looks like he’s done something wrong. He goes to get out of bed to put clothes on, Steve stops him.

 

“I’m just really turned on right now, and well, you’re not…..” Bucky blushes and looks away. Steve runs his fingers through Bucky’s hair then lifts his chin and kisses him.

 

“Come on, handsome, back to bed.”

 

“Can I… do I have to…” Steve kisses him again before answering.

 

“I was kind of hoping you’d stay naked.” Bucky nods and smiles small as he gets into bed.

 

Bucky snuggles into Steve once he’s settled and falls back to sleep. Steve holds him and soothes him when he has a nightmare. Bucky wakes with a shout. He’s shaking and gasping for air. Steve shifts him so he can rub his back. Steve does what Bucky used to do for him when he’d have an asthma attack. Soon Bucky’s breathing normally again. He turns so he can hold onto Steve, which he does for what can only be described as dear life.

 

“You’re all right. I’ve got you. Deep breaths for me okay?”

 

“Steve, don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me.” Bucky begs. Steve can tell he’s barely holding his emotions in check,

 

“Never.” Steve says fiercely. Bucky snuggles in more and kisses the hollow of his throat. Steve notices he stops shaking. Steve tries to remember to ask him about it later.

 

“I don’t feel good.” Bucky says quietly.

 

“Is it just the fever or something else?”

 

“Feel like I… never mind.” Bucky says rolling away from Steve.

 

“Buck, I need you to tell me what’s wrong. Bruce said to call him if your symptoms got worse.” Steve says softly, running his fingers through Bucky’s hair.

 

“I… I….” Steve can tell he’s choosing his words carefully.

 

“I hurt like I did when I fell.” Bucky finally says quietly. Steve just stares at him gaping for a second.

 

He moves closer to him and takes him into his arms. Bucky lets him, seeming to know Steve needs to be close. Steve grabs his phone and calls Bruce. Tony comes on and tells him this could definitely be the drugs working their way out of Bucky’s system. When Steve asks why it took so long neither of them have an answer. That does nothing but piss Steve off. Bucky reaches over and takes the phone. He thanks them both then hangs up. 

 

Bucky rolls Steve onto his back and lays on top of him. He runs his hands up and down Steve’s body then starts singing to him. Steve calms almost immediately. Bucky kisses him softly. They lay like that for a while, Steve’s not sure how much time passes, but finds he doesn’t care. Bucky laying like he is on him soothes him, but then, Steve thinks, it always has.

 

“You all right now, punk?” Bucky asks kissing along his jaw.

 

“Fine. Just fine.” Steve can hear the anger in his voice and wraps his arms around Bucky to keep him where he is.

 

“You being here, taking care of me, it’s helping. I don’t need you to fix it Steve, I just need you with me to tell me I’m okay and you love me. I can handle the rest if I’ve got that.” Steve shifts so he can hide his head in Bucky’s shoulder.

 

“Steve, hey, no. Oh Stevie.” Bucky says as if he’s trying to soothe him. Steve wonders why when he suddenly realizes he’s shaking.

 

“Sorry. I just…. It should be me too.”

 

“We’ve been over this. You’re not to blame. And no it shouldn’t have been you. I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if Zola had gotten his hands on you.” Bucky says kissing him.

 

“Sorry. I’m supposed to be…” Bucky kisses him again.

 

“Shut up, punk.” Bucky all but orders.

 

“Jerk, I’m the…. Bucky.” Steve moans out when Bucky hits a particularly sensitive spot.

 

“Oh that’s new. Have to explore that more when I don’t hurt all over.”

 

“Hmmm yeah.” Steve sighs. 

 

“I’m gonna go shower. See if the hot water helps. You get some sleep. I know you haven’t been again. Steve?” Bucky says getting out of bed.

 

“Yeah?” Steve says dopily.

 

“Love you.”


	46. Chapter Forty Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gang hang in there the fluff is returning I promise.

Bucky comes out of the shower looking better than he did when he went in. He climbs back in bed and wraps himself around Steve who smiles sleepily at him. Steve falls asleep as soon as Bucky’s settled. Steve wakes a little later to find Bucky’s side of the bed empty. He goes into the living room to find Bucky staring out the window. Steve wraps himself around him from behind and kisses his shoulder.

 

“Didn’t mean to wake you.”  Bucky says with that far away tone.

 

“You didn’t.  You want to stay here or go sit on the couch?”

 

“Stay here.  I can’t shake it.” 

 

“Shake what, Buck?”  Steve asks, kissing his shoulder again.

 

“The feeling like I’m forgetting something I should be remembering.  Something important.  I don’t want to put you in danger because I can’t remember it.  I need to remember.”  Steve turns him to face him and cards his finger through his bangs before kissing him.

 

“What can I do?”

 

“Hold me.  Just hold me.  Cause I feel like this is…. Steve I’m really losing it.”

 

“I’ve got you.  I’m right here.  I’m not going to let you go.”  Steve says trying to keep the concern from his voice. 

 

Bucky kisses him and it’s all need.  It’s the only way Steve can describe it.  It reminds him of the first time Bucky kissed him.  He clings to Bucky even tighter.  Bucky steers them to the couch.  He turns them so Steve will be lying in front of him.  Then he clings so tight Steve wouldn’t be able to move if he wanted to.  Not that he does.  They lay there in silence for what seems like hours to Steve.  He stays alert to Bucky’s breathing and heartbeat.  The hold doesn’t loosen at all.  Steve’s not sure what he’s waiting for.  No he is, he just pushes it from his mind every time the thought comes to him.  He knows Bucky’s teetering on the edge.  He knows Bucky’s going to break at any second.  He only hopes he’s strong enough to get them both through it.  Bucky kisses the back of his neck and snuggles in even closer.  Steve has to fight to stay on the couch.  Bucky notices and shifts so Steve is lying on him.  He kisses his temple and then sighs loudly.

 

“What’s wrong?”  Steve asks

 

“My brain is a jumbled fucking mess.  I can’t make sense of it and I have no idea where to start to explain to you what’s going on.”  Bucky says angrily.

 

“And don’t fucking ask me what you can do, because I have no idea about that either.  You know I never fucking signed up for this.  I mean I got no trouble fighting the good fight.  But Schmidt and Zola I didn’t sign up for that.  I didn’t sign up to become some pet project for those twisted bastards.   And honestly this is all your fucking fault.  You’re the one who couldn’t fucking just stay home.  If you’d fucking stayed home….” Bucky stops mid-sentence and throws Steve off him.  He gets up and starts pacing before continuing, not noticing the pained look Steve is giving him.

 

“Bucky.”  Steve says quietly.

 

“Don’t Bucky me.  This is your fault.  You had to go and become **_Captain America_** and really piss off Schmidt.  **_Danmit Steve_** you were supposed to stay home.  You were supposed to stay home safe.  Not go and become a fucking lab rat for the government.”  Bucky seethes.

 

“You wouldn’t be here right now if I hadn’t gotten the serum or have you forgotten the camp.  You want to be angry at me fine.  But don’t you **_dare_** think for one second I regret saving you from the camp.  Do I regret the train?   Every single day.  But I refuse to apologize for saving you from the camp.”  Bucky stops his pacing then collapses onto the couch.  He reaches for Steve who immediately goes to him.  Bucky pulls him into his lap and rests their foreheads together.

 

“I’m sor….”  Steve kisses him and then shakes his head.

 

“Don’t.  Don’t apologize for being angry about everything.”

 

“I shouldn’t be taking it out on you.  It’s not….”  Steve kisses him again.

 

“Sh.  Just sh.”  Steve says resting their foreheads together again.

 

“If I’d known… If I’d even suspected.  I would have saved you.  And I know that’s not the problem.  But I don’t know how to help.  Maybe you’re right.  Maybe I shouldn’t have been so stubborn.  But my being stubborn saved you the first time so I can’t apologize for it.”  Steve says fighting to keep himself in check.

 

“Steve.”  Bucky says kissing him softly.

 

“I’m just so angry right now.  I can’t quiet my brain enough to sort it.  I feel like… I can’t explain it.  I don’t know how to put into words what I’m feeling.  I called Sam before you woke up, woke him up., and I couldn’t even begin to tell him why I’d called.  He told me to try writing it down.  The page was blank.  That’s why I went and stood at the window.  Where are you going?”  Bucky asks as Steve gets out of his lap.

 

“Stay right there.  I’ll be right back.”  Steve says going into the bedroom.  He returns with the sketchbook.

 

“Sketch it out.  Just try it for me.”  Steve says at the look Bucky gives him.

 

Bucky takes the pad and goes back over to the couch.  Steve starts to go into the kitchen when Bucky pulls him down to the other end of the couch.  Steve curls his feet under himself and watches Bucky start sketching.   Bucky stops and stands up then gives Steve a look and pulls at him so he stretches out.  Bucky sits between his legs and continues to sketch.  Steve has to hold back a gasp.  He holds Bucky a little tighter.  Bucky fills pages with everything.  He stops when the sketchbook is full then turns so he’s facing Steve.  He hands it to him and waits.  Steve wants to take Bucky to bed, hold him and never let him go at what he sees.  It’s explosions, it’s destruction, it’s labs and garish equipment.  The ones that upset Steve the most though are the self-portraits of Bucky in pure agony, of him fighting it and not being able to get away.

 

“Bucky.”  Steve says quietly again.

 

“Now you see why I can’t even put it into words?”’

 

“Oh, Buck.”  Steve says kissing him.

 

“You really…”  Bucky stops and gets up then goes to the window again.  Steve goes to him and tries to wrap his arms around him.  Bucky shakes him off then goes into the bedroom shutting the door.

 

Steve hears the mirror smash and goes into the room to find Bucky surrounded by the glass; his head is hung and he’s just staring down.  Steve moves carefully though the glass to him and takes him into his arms.  He leads him to the sink and goes about cleaning the cuts.  Bucky hisses as he picks the glass out.  Once his hand his bandaged Bucky collapses against Steve.

 

“Stevie, make the screaming in my head stop.  I can’t think over it.  Please just makes it stop.”  Bucky begs.

 

Steve kisses him soundly.  Bucky deepens it and presses himself against Steve.  Steve realizes what Bucky wants and lets him lead.  He presses Steve against the door and kisses at his jaw then his neck before going back up and claiming Steve’s mouth.  Steve moans into the kiss.  That serves as permission and soon Bucky’s steering him into the bedroom.  He’s careful to avoid the broken glass and soon they’re lying on the bed trading kisses.  Steve is surprised when Bucky stops and ends up just laying on Steve.  Steve runs his fingers through the hair at the nape of Bucky’s neck; who whines lowly.

 

“What… How….”  Steve stops and starts.

 

“I don’t know.  How you can help.  I don’t know what I need.”  Bucky screams into the pillow.  It breaks Steve’s heart to know there’s nothing he can do. 

 

“I’m sleeping on the couch.”  Bucky says getting up.

 

“I’ll take the couch, you stay here.  I love you.”

 

“Yeah.”  Bucky says shutting the door in Steve’s face.  Steve refuses to admit to himself how much that stings. 

 

“Rogers, you want to tell me why your boyfriend is on the phone with Pepper and not talking to you about his feelings?”  Tony asks as way of greeting when Steve calls for an update.

 

“He… but he said… so it’s just me he can’t talk to.”

 

“Steve, what’s going on with him?”  Tony says softening his tone.

 

“He’s been getting his memories back.   Today he got angry with me because I got the serum said everything was my fault.  I don’t know maybe he’s right.  Maybe I should have just stayed home.”

 

“Wait a damn minute.  The Commandos still would have been captured.  He still would have been experimented on.  Only difference is you’d be an old man or dead.  Schmidt still would have gone crazy.  Zola still would have pulled all the crap he did.  None of that would have changed.  Steve you can’t blame yourself for any of it.”

 

“I know that’s what I told him.  Told him I wasn’t going to apologize for saving him from the camp.  The worst part is I think he’s still holding back.  I don’t know how to get him to just let go.”

 

“He probably is.  Probably feels like he has to.  And I know he doesn’t have to, but he’s worried about what he’ll do to you.  Losing you on top of losing his mind would probably be too much for him.  Just keep doing whatever it is you have been.  Pepper says it’s working.”

 

“Is he off the phone with her?”

 

“No we’re just in the same room.  But I need to talk to you privately.  So you and I are going to go down to the lab.”

 

“That sounds ominous.”

 

“It is.  I’ve been reading through the files Phil sent over.  Did you know HYDRA loaned the Winter Soldier out to the Russians at the height of the cold war?  Then again after the fall of the Soviet Union?  It’s where the Red Star on his arm came from.”

 

“No. The file Nat gave me… wait she said it came from Kiev.  I should have put two and two together.  I just assumed the KGB kept tabs on him because he was HYDRA’s weapon against them.  All right, how bad is it?”

 

“I’m still trying to get a handle on that.  Skye’s looking into it as well.  Phil’s got feelers out to a few of his contacts.  I’m fairly certain we can keep him out of trouble.  But won’t know for sure until I hear back from everyone.  Don’t worry about it right now.”

 

“Yeah, I’ll try not to.”  Steve says, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

  
“I have good news though.”  Tony says, and Steve thinks he sounds overly cheerful.

 

“I could use some.”

 

“Loki’s neutralized again.  And the Tesseract is still safely locked up on Asgard.  Thor’s bringing some sort of tech with him in a couple of days.  He says it should take care of any residual energy.  Which technically means you two could come back here if you wanted.”

 

“Let’s not tell Bucky that.”

 

“What?  Why?”

 

“He’ll demand I go stay with the tower.  I’m not leaving him.”

 

“Right.  Still not safe to come back here.  Sorry Steve.  I know how much you miss me.”

 

“I thought we were in the lab.”

 

“We are, but you know the walls around here have ears.”

 

“Right.  Any word from Nat or Sam?”

 

“No.  But Phil says in this case no news may be good news.  I’ll see what I can find out on that front too.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

“Sorry I don’t have any more good news.  The big guy wants to know how Bucky’s feeling.”

 

“He said he hurt all over like he did when he fell but then he took a shower.  Hasn’t said anything else.  Might want to have Pepper ask.” 

 

“What about you?  How are you holding up?”

 

“I’m not important right now.   I’ll be fine.  I’m always fine.”

 

“Steve.”

 

“You want to find me a gym and then come go a few rounds in one of the suits?”

 

“I could send Rhodey.”

 

“No.  I’ll be fine. I just hate feeling helpless or like I’m making things worse.  He broke the mirror in the bathroom today.  I’m not telling you that so you’ll replace it.  I got the feeling he’d rather it had been my face he’d punched.”

 

“He’s that pissed at you huh?”

 

“I don’t think it’s me.  Well, not Steve Rogers.  That Captain America guy though, I think he wouldn’t mind going a few rounds with him.”

 

“Okay that makes no sense.”

 

“Never mind.  I’ll check in again in a few days.”

 

Steve collapses onto the couch.  He’s staring at his feet so intently he doesn’t realize Bucky’s behind him until he feels his arms go around him from behind.  He leans back into the couch so Bucky can get a better hold.  He leans even closer still and Bucky kisses his temple.  Then Bucky hops over the back of the couch and takes him into his arms.

 

“I don’t want to hit you; in or out of the uniform.  I was afraid you’d think that.  It’s not you.  Not Captain America I’m pissed at.  I hate that I made you think that even for a split second.  Let me finish, punk, I knew a long time ago I wasn’t gonna be able to keep you out of the war.  You and your stubbornness wouldn’t allow it.  And I know….”  Steve turns and kisses him then because he can’t stand the sound of Bucky’s voice.  The pain in it.

 

“I wasn’t finished.”  Bucky says resting their foreheads together.

 

“I know… I just… who told you I thought you wanted to hit me?”

 

“Tony.  You’d already hung up.  He’d gone to tell Pepper what you’d said; cause he thought it would make more sense to her I suppose.  He didn’t realize she had me on speaker so she could get a few things done while we talked.  And it’s not that I can’t talk to you.  I can.  It’s just you’re terribly distracting.  Or I get upset and you kiss me.  And then I don’t really want to talk.  I think I’m just pissed at the universe.  All I want to do is be able to be happy with you.  Spend my days making love to you.  Maybe get a dog, or a cat, who knows.  But not a bird or fish, they’re not me.  Have dinner parties every once in a while where Tony brings over really expensive wine and we all sit around shooting the breeze, you know everything we planned before.  What?”  Bucky asks at the look on Steve’s face.

 

“Nothing.  Just about to be distracting again.”  Steve says kissing him.  When he pulls away Bucky rests his forehead against Steve’s.

 

“You’re not making this worse.  I need you here with me.  Tony’s right, so are you, I am holding back.  But not because I don’t want to hurt you, though I don’t, it’s cause I’m afraid of shattering so far I can’t come back from it.  Don’t know if that makes any sense.  Bruce says he doesn’t think that would happen, but given some of my worse episodes he’s not going to rule it out.  Worse part is I still feel like I’m falling apart.  Bruce says that’s why I hurt all over.  I’m keep such a tight lid on everything it’s starting to physically show.  That didn’t really make sense to me, but he says it’s what used to happen to him right after the accident and the Hulk first showed up.”

 

“At the risk of pissing you off, what can I do to help?”

 

“Don’t really know.  Just promise me no matter how crazy I get or how far into my own head I go, or how angry I get you’re going to stay.  I don’t think I can do this without you.”

 

“End of the line and forever remember.  Add the fact that I’m the most stubborn guy you know and I’m pretty sure you’re stuck with me.”

 

“Good.”  Bucky says, sounding a little calmer.  Steve kisses him softly.

 

“Come on, I want to go for a walk.”  Bucky says pulling Steve off the couch.  Steve barely has time to grab a sketchbook before Bucky’s pulling him out the door.

 

They go to their spot in the park and Bucky pulls Steve down next to him.  They just lay there cuddled together.  Bucky falls asleep and Steve starts to sketch.  He’s not even paying attention to what he’s sketching but when he looks at it he chuckles softly to himself.  The sketch is of Bucky head back soaking up the sun while a squirrel sits at his feet watching him warily.  Steve goes to pull the page out so he can toss it when Bucky’s hand reaches for his.

 

“Leave it.  I like it.”

 

“I thought you were asleep.”

 

“Nah, just resting.”  Bucky says sitting up and kissing his shoulder.

 

Steve puts the sketchbook down and then shifts himself so he’s resting on Bucky’s stomach.  Bucky immediately starts running his hands through his hair.  Steve arches into the touch and then smiles as Bucky leans down to kiss him.  He starts to pout when Bucky pulls away.  Steve can feel the shift in the Bucky’s posture though.  He’s gone on full alert.  Steve sits up to find a little girl smiling shyly at Bucky.  Her ball is by his feet.  Steve smiles and gets it then hands it to her.  She runs off and Bucky stands up.  Steve gets up as well knowing Bucky’s ready to go.

 

“I’m sorry.”  Bucky says quietly. 

 

“Why?”  Steve asks, he tries to not let it bother him that Bucky won’t let him take his hand.

 

“We shouldn’t be…. I’m sorry.”  Steve can see it on his face he’s about to have an episode.  Steve takes his hand to anchor him then leads him out of the park the back way.  There aren’t any people around if he goes this way.

 

He gets him back to the apartment building and as soon as they’re inside Bucky starts shaking.  Steve tries to get him into the elevator but Bucky pushes him away.  Steve opts for the stairs but when they hit the second floor Bucky collapses into the landing between it and their floor.  He must fall harder than Steve thought because Abbi pokes her head over the railing.  She starts down the stairs despite Steve’s protests.  She gets down in front of Bucky and takes both his hands in hers.

 

“Come on dear, let’s get you inside.  Just a few more steps.  Can you do that for me?”  Bucky nods slowly then gets to his feet.  Steve goes up ahead of them so he can have the door unlocked.

 

Abbi gets Bucky inside then goes to the kitchen and gets him a glass of water.  She tells him it’s on the stand if he wants it.  She kisses the top of his head, hugs Steve and then heads back to her apartment.  She’s about to shut the door when she turns back to them.

 

“Bucky, you need me I’m right next door.”

 

“Thank you, ma’am.”  Bucky says but to Steve he sounds miles away.

 

“It happened before.  It’s how I knew he’d come home.  I did the same thing for him then.  You all right?”  Steve just nods.

 

“You know the same goes for you.  I’m right next door.”  Steve smiles at her.

 

Steve goes and sits on the coffee table.  He reaches out and lays his hand on Bucky’s knee gently just to let him know he’s there.  Steve’s not sure how long they sit like that, Bucky just staring off, Steve anchoring him to the present the only way he can.  But then Bucky’s shaking his head and blinking.  He reaches out and pulls Steve onto the couch then curls into him.

 

“When did we get home?”  Bucky asks quietly.

 

“Few minutes ago.  You started to have an episode in the park.  I got you home.  But it took Abbi to get you into the apartment.”

 

“Thought I heard her.  She said she was next door if I needed anything.”

 

“She did.”

 

“There was a little girl.  She caught us kissing.  Pepper’s going to have our heads.  I think that’s what brought it on.”

 

“Buck, she was four or five.  She has no idea who I am.  Even if she does it’s going to be fine.”

 

“But, I shouldn’t be….”  Steve puts a finger on his lips.

 

“It’s going to be fine.  I’ll let Pepper know what happened.  If there’s an issue we’ll deal with it.”

 

Bucky doesn’t say anything just keeps himself curled in on Steve.  He whimpers every now and then.  Steve rubs his back and runs his fingers through his hair.  When Bucky starts begging him not to get angry that he’s gotten him in trouble Steve shifts him so he’s looking at him.

 

“Listen to me all right?  If it comes to a choice between Captain America and you, you win.  Every time.  I can figure something out.  I can figure out a way to still be a hero and not be Captain America.  You mean more to me than being him.  You’re my world.  I don’t ever want to be without you ever again.”  Bucky settles then.  He uncurls and stretches out while still being held.  Steve decides now is the time to ask him about what’s going on.

 

“Hey, can I ask you something?”  Steve asks kissing him softly.

 

“Course you can, punk.”  Bucky says quietly.

 

“What’s going…. I mean why…. Ever since the day on Phil’s plane…..”

 

“Oh.  You remember how you used to get when you were sick?  I’d be going crazy with worry because your fever had spiked and we didn’t have the money for medicine or heat.  You’d get this tone in your voice and tell me ‘Bucky I’m going to be fine.’  It was like you were willing yourself to get better.  Then you’d wake up the next morning the fever had always broken.  After a while just you telling me would be enough to calm me down, you were always still so out of it you probably never noticed.  You keep getting that tone back since the plane.  I can’t explain why but it calms me.  God I now sound like some freak.”  Bucky says hiding his head in Steve’s shoulder.

 

“No, you don’t.”  Steve says reaching down and lifting his chin so he can kiss him.

 

“I’m gonna nap now.”  Bucky says once Steve’s pulled away.  Steve chuckles and grabs the throw off the back of the couch.

 

“You do that.  I love you, Buck.”

 

“Love you too, Stevie.”  Bucky says as he gets comfortable.  He’s asleep within minutes.


	47. Chapter Forty Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoy. Thank you all for sticking with me while I work through the funk I have been in. It means a lot that you're still reading.

Steve searches for his phone and realizes it’s in the bedroom.  Bucky’s however, is on the coffee table.  He grabs it and calls Pepper. He explains the situation and then waits for the blow up.  It never comes.

 

“Steve, you’re right she was a little girl.  I’ll have JARVIS monitor things, but the way I see it the President already knows.  And he’s not asking for you to turn in the uniform.  And I can have interviews set up if needed.  As for Bucky, well I can figure that out too without him having to do any kind of interviews.  When he wakes up you tell him not to worry.  Stress to him I am not angry.  Because I’m not.  Everyone in the neighborhood knows.  Oh they may not be saying it out right but they know.  None of them seem upset by it.  In fact I got the sense the other day, anyone tried to even remotely say you should give up being Captain America because you’re gay they’d be storming the network demanding a full retraction and apology.”

 

“I don’t know about that; then again Abbi could probably make that happen.  Thanks Pepper, for not being angry with him, and for everything really.” 

 

“Anytime.  Now let me go work my magic.”

 

“All right.”  Steve hangs up and kisses the top of Bucky’s head.

 

“How pissed is she?”  Bucky asks quietly.

 

“Not at all.  She said she can fix it.  So stop worrying.  She pointed out the President already knows.  And he doesn’t seem to care.  So what if the press doesn’t like it.  Screw them.”

 

“That’s my Stevie.”   Bucky says kissing him. 

 

Steve thinks he sounds off and then realizes Bucky only used to call him ‘my Stevie’ after a fight where Bucky had thought he’d have to rescue him, only to find Steve had the guy out cold on the ground.  Steve tries to keep the concern off his face, but Bucky gets a look on his that says he’s failed.  Steve tries to kiss him but he pulls away.  He stares at Steve for a second then is up at the other end of the couch before Steve can do anything.  Steve tries to take his hand and he pulls it away.

 

“Buck?”

 

“Don’t.  Just give me a minute.”  Bucky says, still not sounding like himself, but Steve takes it as a good sign that he seems to know where he is.

 

“All right.”  Steve rests his hand on his knee, but puts the tip of his fingers on Bucky’s foot.

 

“You really were an idiot back then, weren’t you?  You do realize nine times out of ten if I hadn’t shown up you wouldn’t be here right now?  Cause you’d be dead in an alley somewhere.”

 

“I know.  Why do you think I kept you around?”

 

“I’m serious.”  Bucky says getting angry.

 

“Then you go off and get that serum and think now you can be a reckless idiot on top of being a stubborn one.  Although, the grenade was before the serum so that just makes you a plain old idiot.  You could have died.  And then where would I have been?  I’ll tell you where, alone.  I would have been **_this_** but alone.  Damnit Steve you can be such a…..”  Bucky stops as the sobs start tearing through him.  Steve wraps himself around him.

 

“Did you even think about me before you jumped on that thing?  No you were too busy trying to impress **_Peggy Carter._   **Don’t bother thinking about what it would have done to me if you’d been gone.  Not that they would have told me.  No one would have known.  You were an orphan you idiot.  You would have been gone and no one would have known.”  Steve just holds him and tries to soothe him. 

 

“Don’t.”  Bucky says pulling away and getting up. He starts pacing then turns on his heel and goes into the bedroom slamming the door behind him.

 

Steve collapses onto the couch and curls in on himself.  He wraps the throw around himself and fights to keep himself in check.  Bucky comes out of the bedroom and sits down next to him and pulls him into him.  Steve uncurls and wraps himself around Bucky.

 

“Okay, not sure what the hell that was, or where it came from.”

 

“I… I did think about you, I thought what would Bucky do?  It’s why I jumped onto it.  I wasn’t gonna be able to get them all to get back, no one was gonna listen to me when I was that small and weak, so I did what I thought you would do if you were me.  I could hear you in my head telling me I was being an idiot.  But I also figured you would have done the same thing.”  Steve says quietly.

 

“You’re an idiot.  And I mean it no more jumping out of planes without a chute.  Cause that’s just as stupid.  I can’t lose you.”

 

“Buck, you’re not going to.”

 

“You keep using you shield as a chute I will.  I lost you once.  I can’t…”  Steve kisses him.

 

“Don’t do that.  I can’t be pissed at the universe when you do that.”  Bucky says, but he’s going in for another kiss as he does.

 

“You know that was the worst part, Pierce would let me get some of it back.  I’d get a glimpse of you in my head.  And then I’d start fighting.  Telling him and my handlers they’d better watch their backs cause you were coming for me.  And then he’d tell me you weren’t because you were dead.  I’d lose you all over again.”  Bucky finishes quietly.  Steve hugs him tight and kisses his temple.

 

Bucky makes Steve get up then leads him into the bedroom, soon they’re wrapped around each other.  Bucky makes patterns on Steve’s chest from where he’s tucked into him.  Steve kisses the top of his head.  Bucky shifts up for a kiss and whispers ‘I’m sorry’ before going in for another one.  Steve doesn’t say anything, just holds him. 

 

“You’re thinking loud again.  If you need to get out of here you can you know.  I promise to be here when you get back.”

 

“Buck.”

 

“I’m not saying go back to the tower.  Just I don’t know call Tony or Bruce and go to lunch or something.  Or Pepper, you two haven’t done that yet.  I’ll be fine.”  Steve grabs his phone and sets it up for the next day.

 

The rest of the night they spend curled up together either on the couch or in bed.  Steve can tell though something’s going on.  But when he asks Bucky, Bucky lies and says he’s fine.  Steve just thinks it because he can’t put it into words.  They fall asleep around midnight.

 

Steve wakes alone.  He can hear Bucky out on the fire escape though talking to Abbi.  He peeks out and sees Bucky’s got a cup of coffee with him.  He goes and grabs his own then joins him on the fire escape.  Jamie pokes her head out the window and tells Abbi she’s heading off for another wonderful day at work.  Abbi tells her to quit.  To Steve it sounds like this is an ongoing thing. 

 

“I can’t Gram.  Mom would have my head.  Dad would tell me I’m going to be living in a box.  And they’d both tell me under no uncertain terms was I allowed to live with you full time.  It’s fine.  I can suck it up for another school year.  I graduate in May.  Then I can put my resume in with Stark Industries. Now I’ve got to run before I miss the train.  Love you.  Don’t stay out here for too long it’s supposed to get hot today.”

 

Bucky watches the scene then gives Steve a look.  Steve nods.  Abbi just smiles at them both.  They don’t say a word but all three of them know Steve’s going to mention it to Pepper at lunch.  They spend a little more time outside then Bucky insists on coming and getting Abbi for breakfast saying it’s the least he can do.

 

They have a nice breakfast.  Abbi wonders where Steve puts it all.  He starts explaining about the serum and his metabolism when he realizes Bucky and Abbi are laughing at him.  He sticks his tongue out and then goes about clearing the table.  He tries not to eavesdrop on Bucky and Abbi in the living room but he keeps hearing his name.

 

“Oh Bucky, I don’t think Steve cares who knows.  I’m going to let you in on a little secret, the entire neighborhood knows.  None of them care.  Or if they do they know enough to keep their mouths shut.  But I don’t think anyone does.  Everyone knows the neighborhood’s history.  And actually, Mark and Greg were wondering you two wanted to go for dinner one night.  I told them maybe in a while.  That you weren’t really ready to expand your circle yet.”

 

“Which ones are they?”

 

“They live a few buildings down have the German Shepherd.”

 

“Right.  Greg’s a teacher of some kind?  Mark has that art gallery?”  Bucky asks.

 

“Yes.  Mark wants to talk to Steve about showing some of his drawings.  Says he wouldn’t even bring Captain America into it. “

 

“Steve would probably go for that.” Bucky says, getting up suddenly to pace.

 

“You all right, dear?”  Abbi asks soothingly.

 

“Huh.  Look if I tell you something can you swear not to tell Steve?”

 

“Of course; though why don’t we go over to my place.  Then we’ll know for sure he won’t hear anything.  Steve, Bucky’s going to walk me over home.”

 

“All right.  See you later.”  Steve says coming out of the kitchen to say goodbye.

 

Bucky gets them into the hall and then into Abbi’s before he’s pacing her living room.  She sits down in her recliner and just lets him do so.  For not the first time Bucky is beyond grateful to have her in their lives.

 

“You know I’ve seen the way Mark and Greg are with each other and I think that’s what I want for Steve.  Him to be able to be like that with someone.   He deserves to get to be that happy.” He paces close to Abbi and she reaches out and takes his hand.  He tries to pull it away, because it’s the left one but she refuses to let him.

 

“He has that with you.  I’ve seen the way you two are when you think no one’s looking.  Or when you two go off to the park.  Bucky, he has it with you.  You’re who he wants it with.”

 

“I’m a fucking mess.”

 

“You won’t always be.  You’ve just hit a rough patch.  It’ll pass.  Bucky I swear to you, he doesn’t want anyone but you.  He can wait this out.”

 

“What if he’s waiting another seventy years?”

 

“I doubt that’s going to happen.  You forget I’ve known you for a very long time.  And all right you’re not the same boy who went off to the war, but then Steve’s not either.  And yet you both managed to find your way back to each other, just as in love as you were before, or maybe even more so, though I don’t know how that could be possible.”

 

“You’re wonderful you know that.”  Bucky says giving her a smile.

 

“Oh stop it.  Now get yourself home.  Steve’s probably worried sick.  Oh and Bucky if you need anything while he’s at lunch you know where I am.”

 

“Thanks, beautiful.”  Bucky says kissing her cheek.  Bucky chuckles as it makes her blush.

 

Bucky goes back over to their apartment to hear the shower running.  He goes back out onto the fire escape to sit.  His skin is prickling, almost crawling and he feels like he could literally fall apart.  He hops up onto the railing and thinks maybe that will calm him.  It doesn’t.  Steve comes out of the shower naked. He hates admitting having Steve naked isn’t doing much for him.  It worries him a bit that he can’t get this under control enough to drool over his hot boyfriend.  That thought makes him realize how all over the place his head is suddenly.   He hops down and just hides on the fire escape.  He feels suffocated suddenly and thinks maybe he should call out to Steve, but then Steve’s in the living room.

 

“Oh, thanks Abbi.  No he’s probably just gone for a walk or something.  I’ll just leave him a note.  I’ll let you know what Pepper says.  Talk soon.”

 

“Bucky, I’m right here.  I’ve got you.  Let’s go back inside okay?”

 

“Steve.”  Bucky says collapsing into him.

 

“I can call Pepper if you want, cancel.”

 

“No.  Go to lunch.  I’ll be all right.  Just got too small.  I’m fine.  Go have lunch.  I’ll see you when you get back.”  Bucky says kissing him.  He can tell Steve doesn’t seem convinced he’s okay.  Bucky sighs in relief when he goes anyway.

 

 


	48. Chapter Forty Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read the tags. I've added to them for the chapter. This chapter is not an easy one, but I felt like it was a necessary one.
> 
> There are these scenes in Avengers Earth Mightest Heroes where the Hulk and Bruce talk. I based a certain scene in the chapter off of those.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy.

He waits a few minutes, sit on the couch, and just lets everything run through him.  The shaking comes first and he thinks he really is going to fall apart.  It’s so bad he thinks Steve’s going to come home to find him in half or tiny pieces.    The tears come next.  He lets them.  He’s not sure how long it is before they stop, but when they do he feels calmer than he has in weeks.  The feeling like his skin is crawling hasn’t left though and the feeling like he’s literally falling apart seems to be staying.  He’s also exhausted suddenly.  He goes to bed and falls asleep.

 

 He wakes what seems like moments later with a scream that scares even him.  He’s frantic. He doesn’t know where he is.  Where are his handlers?  Where is Pierce?  Where is Zola?  What are his orders?  What is his mission?  Where is he?  He tears through the room he’s in once he realizes he’s not restrained.  He tears through all the rooms he breaks things trying to figure out where he is.  He can’t.  He goes back into the bedroom, collapses and starts screaming into the pillow.  He screams himself hoarse.  He still feels like he is going to come apart at any second.  His last thought as sleep claims him again is that death would be better than this.

 

When he wakes this time someone is holding him loosely.  They are telling him he’s loved.  That they’re right there with him.  He thinks it sounds like someone he should know, someone he should trust.  That he is allowed to believe he is loved.    He tries to shift and to his surprise they let him.   He looks at them and doesn’t know them.  Yet he feels he should.  He feels like this person is the most important precious thing to him.  He feels like he has to protect this person from his handlers as well as Pierce and Zola.  He reaches up to touch their face with his left hand and then pulls away before he does so.

 

He tries to get up and is met with resistance, though it is not as if he couldn’t get up if he really wanted.  He wants to ask who the person is, but he feels like that would upset them.  He doesn’t want to do that.  So he stays where he is.  He takes a few deep breaths.  He tries to calm himself.  He notices the feeling he had when he went to sleep has finally passed.  He supposes that is good.

 

He falls back to sleep and wakes a few more times.  The person is still there.  Holding him, running their fingers through his hair.  Soothing him with the sound of their voice.  He is grateful for that.  He feels calm finally.  But he doesn’t know who they are.  He doesn’t know where he is.  And he worries his handlers are going to show up and take them away from him.  

 

When he wakes alone he gets scared.  He calls out and the person is back instantly at his side with food.  He looks at the tray and then at the person.  The person takes a bite of everything on the tray to show it’s safe, he assumes.  He keeps looking from the person to the door.  He realizes he’s calculating an escape.  He also realizes he doesn’t want to.

 

He realizes the person is speaking to him asking him questions.  He knows he should answer, but what the person is calling him he doesn’t recognize.   He suddenly gets flashes.  The person skinnier than now.  The person bigger in a red white and blue costume.  The person fighting him on a bridge.  The person falling.  Him waiting to see the person breathe.  Then there’s a museum.  Then it’s the two of them.  _Steve_ reverberates through his mind.  Then he gets flashes of them being more intimate and he slowly starts to come back to himself.  He’s James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes and Steve Rogers is the love of his life. 

 

“Buck?”  Steve asks quietly.

 

“Yeah.  Did I hurt you?  I don’t remember doing it, I just remember sleeping.  But… Steve hold me.”

 

“I’ve got you.”  Bucky starts sobbing again.

 

Bucky rolls away from him but not out of his arms and screams.  Steve tries to soothe him and can’t.  He wants to ask him what’s wrong, but he knows.  He knows this is truly Bucky breaking.    He just holds him through it.   Bucky curls in on himself and tells Steve to leave.  To go to Manhattan.  Just for the night.

 

“I’m not going to leave you.”  Steve says, making sure it’s the tone that calms Bucky when he’s like this.  Bucky gets insistent. 

 

“Not leaving.  Buck, I’m not letting you go through this alone.”

 

Bucky whimpers.  He doesn’t know how to explain to Steve what’s going on in his head right now.  He’s not sure it even makes sense to him, though he’s remembering more and more of the last few hours so the more he remembers the more he understands.  More than he’d like to understand.  He thinks he should call Bruce.    He grabs the phone off the nightstand then gets up.  Steve tries to follow and shakes his head.  He goes into the bathroom and locks the door.

 

“Banner, you got a minute?”

 

“Of course.  I’m in the lab with Tony do you want me to go somewhere more private?”

 

“No, it’s fine.  I… I think…..  Damnit this shouldn’t be this hard.  Not when out of everyone I know you’re the one who’s going to understand.  I feel like there’s this fight going on in my head.  Me fighting the Soldier for control.  Look I know that makes it sound like I’m crazy.  Who knows maybe I am.  Tried to tell Stevie, I was too fucked up for him to stay.”

 

“If it helps any I know exactly what how you’re feeling.  I take it you want Steve to leave again, and he’s refusing?”

 

“Yeah.  I don’t want him here for this.  But he’s being his usual stubborn self.”

 

“I’ll talk to him.  But I’ll call him.  Make it seem like I think it would be best if you did this on your own.”

 

“Thanks.”  Bucky makes his goodbyes and hangs up.  When he comes out of the bathroom Steve’s already on the phone arguing with Bruce.

 

“I promised him I wouldn’t leave him.  Yes Bruce I know it’s what he wants, now.  But five minutes from now I don’t want him upset because I’m not here.  But…  Bruce… I… You really think it’s for the best.  No, I suppose given the Hulk you would know best.  I just hate the thought of leaving him alone even if it’s what he wants.  Drinks and dinner would be… fine you and Tony win.  I’ll see you in about half an hour.”  Steve hangs up then hangs his head.

 

“You didn’t have to call Bruce to get me to leave you know.”

 

“I didn’t.  Not really.  I needed to know I wasn’t fully losing it.  I needed someone who was going to understand what’s going on in my head.  Cause I don’t really get it myself.  But he knows I don’t want you to see me really fall apart, he offered.  Steve, I’m gonna be fine.  I promise.  I’m gonna be here when you get back.  Maybe I little worse for wear but I’ll still be here.”  Bucky says going to him and wrapping his arms around him from behind, kissing the back of his neck.

 

“I love you, jerk.”

 

“Love you too, punk.  Now go on.  See you when you get home.”  Bucky says pecking him on the lips.

 

The first half an hour after Steve leaves Bucky’s able to hold a lid on everything.  He gets food into his system.  He even manages to make it to bed.  He sketches a bit.  Looks at some of the sketches Steve did for him the other day.  Tries to hold onto that in his head. But then the uncontrollable shaking starts again.  His head starts to pound and he gets sick.  He goes back to bed and falls asleep within moments.

 

He dreams of the rooms they tortured him in.  He’s strapped to the table; and he’s watching from the doorway.  He can hear himself telling the him on the table to fight what they’re doing He can hear himself telling him that Steve’s coming.  Then he hears someone telling him Steve’s dead.  That no one is coming for him.  There are guards in place holding him in a way that makes it impossible for him to look away.  The him on the table is begging for them not to do it.  Then he’s being put in the chamber.  The scream that comes from him… he can’t tell if it’s him or the Soldier.  Then the Soldier is standing in front of him choking him to death.  He wakes with a start.  He wants Steve suddenly.  He needs to know Steve is safe.  That Steve is alive and well.  But before he can reach for the phone he’s asleep again.

 

He’s in the rooms they’d prep him in.  Rumlow is there with others touching him, well the Soldier, but it’s still him he knows.  Taunting him.  He’s being forced to watch again.  When he starts begging Steve to rescue him they laugh and tell him his ‘precious Captain America is dead and even if he weren’t he wouldn’t save the monster you’ve become.  He wouldn’t love you enough to save you.’  He hears himself telling them they’re wrong.  But then the gag is being put into place and Pierce is telling them to hurry up.  There’s pain and they’re doing things he doesn’t want them to.  Things only Steve is allowed to do.  Things he only **_wants_** Steve to do.  He screams and cries and tries to jerk away and can’t.  This time he wakes crying calling out for Steve.  He starts rocking back and forth.  He curls into himself.  He tries to stay awake and can’t.

 

This time he’s in a room he doesn’t remember.  There’s a table and sitting across from him is the Soldier.  He’s looking at Bucky and motions for him to sit.  Bucky does so and the Soldier just glares at him for a bit then he speaks.

 

“The man on the bridge.  Steve.  We love him?”

 

“We do, with everything we are.”

 

“He’ll keep us safe?”

 

“He will.  He’ll do whatever it takes to keep us safe.  To protect us from those who did this to us.”

 

“He doesn’t think us a monster, even with everything we’ve done.  Why?”

 

“Because he loves us with everything he is.  What we’ve done doesn’t matter to him.  He understands what they did to make us this way.  He knows we fought, because he’s known us his whole life.”

 

“You want to stay?  You want me to go.”  The Soldier says angrily.

 

“What I want is us to co-exist.  If I push you so far out of my mind it’s denying what’s happened.  I can’t do that.  Steve wouldn’t want me to do that.  He loves us.  Both of us.  It’s why he refused to fight on the helicarrier.”

 

“I… he loves both of us?”

 

“Course he does.  You’re me.  I’m you.  We’re a packaged deal.  Steve wouldn’t have it any other way.”

 

“I think… no I know I like the way he makes us feel.   We’ll keep him safe?”

 

“Always have, why stop now?”

 

“He doesn’t need us to.”  The Soldier says as if Bucky should already know the answer.

 

“Nah, he still needs us to have his back.  He’s still that skinny kid from Brooklyn deep down.  I think he likes us having his back.”

 

“We…. I hurt him.”  The Soldier says looking down.

 

“I know.  But he gets it.  He **_does_**.  He knows it’s because of what they did to us.  He loves us.  He wants us.  Both of us.  He won’t leave us because of what they’ve done.   He told his friends that even when he had nothing he had us.”

 

“ ** _No_** you.  He said you.”  The Soldier says angrily.

 

“But you’re me, we’re the same man.  So it’s us, pal.”

 

“I love him.  We have to keep him safe and not hurt him anymore.”  The Soldier says and then Bucky’s waking up.

 

He can hear Steve puttering around in the kitchen.  He gets out of bed and goes and stands at the door jamb watching Steve move around the room.  He turns quickly and races back into the bedroom shutting the door loudly.  Then he’s slumping down crying.  He hears Steve through the door telling him he loves him that he’s right there.  Bucky reaches up and opens the door.  Steve pulls him into his arms and starts carding his fingers through his hair.

 

“I’m right here.  I’ve got you.  I love you.”

 

“You’ll keep us safe?  I told him you’d keep us safe.”  Bucky says through his tears.  Steve kisses the top of his head then answers.  He’s a little worried but he stamps it down.

 

“You’re safe.  Buck, of course you’re safe.  I’ve got you.  I love you.”  Steve says as Bucky curls into him.

 

“Good.”  Bucky says reaching up and wrapping his arm around Steve.

 

“Let’s get you to bed.”  Steve says.  Bucky nods and lets Steve lead him to bed.  Once they’re settled he curls up on top of Steve.

 

They lay in silence for a bit.  Steve wants to ask what’s going on, because he’s so worried.  But he knows, from talking with Bruce, he’s got to let Bucky do this at his own pace.  Bucky makes heart patterns on Steve’s chest and kisses over his heart a few times.  Then he speaks.  Steve has to fight to keep his emotions in check at what he tells him.

 

“I woke up him after you went for lunch with Pepper.  I didn’t know who I was or where I was.  I couldn’t figure out why my handlers weren’t here prepping me or giving me orders.  When you came home I had no idea who you were, but I knew if I asked you it’d upset you.  I didn’t want to do that.  I called Bruce because I felt like… and I know this is going to sound like I need….  Like I belong in…. I felt like we had to fight for control.  Me and the Soldier.  I know how that sounds.  I do.  But Bruce said he got it.  I didn’t want you to see it.  I wasn’t sure how bad it was going to get.  I’m sorry.”

 

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”  Steve says tipping his chin up for a kiss.

 

“I… Steve I was back there.  Fighting and getting prepped getting put into the chamber.  I thought about calling you.  Cause I needed you to hold me.  But then I fell asleep again.  It was worse the second time around.  They… Steve… they forced themselves on me.  Rumlow and the goons.  Pierce he told them to hurry up.  And they……”  Bucky stops and starts sobbing so hard he’s gasping for air.  He doesn’t need Bucky to say it, he knows.  He’s known since Bucky first started to remember it happening.  Steve holds him tighter and lets Bucky cling.

 

“Steve.”  Bucky says curling up on him more.

 

“I’m here.  I’ve got you.  You’re safe.  No one is **_ever_** going to hurt you like that again.  I swear to you.”

 

“Do you… I promised him you love…”

 

“Sh.  I love you.  Of course I love you.  Always and forever, till the end of the line.”

 

Bucky’s quiet for a while.  Steve thinks he’s fallen asleep but then he speaks.  He sounds far away and frightened.  Steve kisses the top of his head and holds him a little tighter.  He whispers into his hair he’s safe and loved.

 

“I was in this room.  He was sitting across from me.  Look I know I sound crazy.  I do.  But I don’t know how else to explain it.  Let’s just say we came to an understanding.  Again I know I sound crazy.  You can…..”  Steve puts a finger on his lips.

 

“Not leaving or locking you up.  Buck, I get it.  I do.”

 

“Told him you did.  Not sure he believed me.  Maybe now he will.”  Steve comes to a decision then.  He holds Bucky tight and kisses the top of his head, then chooses his words carefully.

 

“Soldier, I love you.  I am always going to love you.  I will always keep you safe and I know you fought with everything you had to stop them.  I know you never meant to hurt me.”  Bucky leans up and kisses him hard.  Then pulls away and cups his cheek to kiss him again.

 

“Thank you.  For staying with me through all of this.  For loving me.  For helping me see I couldn’t have done anything.  But most of all for being as stubborn you are and not giving up on me.  You could have thrown in the towel and said I wasn’t worth it.  You never did.”

 

“You don’t have to thank me.  You’re my world.  I don’t know how to do this whole thing without you.  You know, when I first woke up I used to see something and I’d turn to tell you about it… and well…”

 

“Steve.”  Bucky kisses him then tries to shift so he’s next to him. 

 

“You… would you… if you…..”  Steve isn’t sure how to ask what he wants.

 

“You want me to stay on you?”

 

“Yeah unless you need to hold me.  Just need you close.”  Steve says.

 

They fall asleep like that.  Bucky curled up on Steve.  Steve holding him tighter than is probably necessary.  Bucky wakes during the night to Steve crying into his hair. He gets Steve to shift so he can hold him.

 

“Steve.”

 

“I’m sorry.  I just… you know I love you, right?  That I would have saved you if I could have?”

 

“Of course I do.”  Bucky says kissing him and wiping his tears away.

 

They both fall back to sleep wrapped around each other.  Bucky’s last thought as he does is that now he can rebuild his life.  Now he’s ready to find out what kind of man Bucky Barnes was meant to be.  What he knows for sure though is that he wants Steve to go on this journey with him.

 


	49. Chapter Forty Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's not as okay as he thought. I have big plans for the next chapter. Hope you enjoy this one.

Bucky wakes the next morning to Steve putting a tray on the nightstand.  He pulls him into bed and snuggles into him laughing softly as he does so.  He kisses Steve softly then just wraps himself around him.  Steve tells him he got him breakfast, that he really thinks he should eat something.  Bucky smiles, leans up to kiss Steve then sits up to eat.  He picks at the food though.  His mind isn’t as clear as he’d hoped it would be after yesterday.  In fact it’s not really clear at all if he’s honest.

 

“Hey, what’s wrong?”  Steve asks gently.

 

“I… I’m just not really hungry.  And I need… hold me.”  Bucky says, the feeling like he’s going to fall apart suddenly back.

 

“Come here.  I’ve got you.”  Bucky starts sobbing again; and he’d hate how weak it’s probably making him except that he knows why.  He just has to figure out how to ask Steve what he needs to.

 

“Sh.  I’m right here, I’ve got you.”  Steve says soothingly.

 

“I’m not okay.”  Bucky says quietly, as if it weren’t obvious to Steve by the way he’s acting.

 

“And?  I’m supposed to what, run screaming because oh my god my boyfriend is going through a rough time?”  Steve asks kissing the top of his head.

 

“Shut it Rogers.”  Bucky says, and Steve worries because it doesn’t sound playful at all.

 

“Buck, if this is the best you can give me that’s okay.”

 

“It’s not that.  It’s not about that.”  Bucky says suddenly angry.  Part of him knows he should just go take a shower or go for a run or something.  He can hear the Soldier in his head telling him not to hurt Steve.

 

“Shut up!”  Bucky screams then rolls over and screams into the pillow until there’s no sound.  He yanks away when Steve tries to hold him.  It’s so rough he knows Steve’s pulled back from being hit.

 

“Hey.  Come…  Woah okay.  I’m going to go put everything in the….”  Bucky yanks himself away at first but when Steve goes to get out of bed he reaches out and keeps Steve where he is.

 

“ ** _Do Not Leave Me._** Please Steve just stay.  I can’t.  Don’t leave.”

 

“Sh.  Come here.  You’re safe.  I’ve got you.”  Steve takes him loosely into his arms.  Bucky clings.

 

“What do you need?”  Steve asks gently.

 

“You to hold me together for a while I think.  And I know it’s been like that since I came back….”

 

“Sh.  I’ve got you.”  Steve says kissing him softly on the forehead.

 

“Sorry I didn’t plan on waking up in a mood.  Silly me I thought after yesterday it was over.  But I had…hat a … really bad dream.”

 

“What happened in your dream Buck?”  Steve asks when Bucky stays quiet and shakes a bit.

 

“We tried being intimate and I froze, completely froze.  You left said you couldn’t handle this anymore.”

 

“Oh, Buck.  We can take it at your pace.  I told you I don’t care if we ever have sex again.  This right here, me holding you, that’s what matters.”

 

“Promise?”  Bucky asks, and Steve hates how frightened he sounds that he might actually lose Steve.

 

“Never going to leave you.  End of the line and forever. Remember?”  Steve says.  Bucky lets out a shaky breath.

 

“Stay with me till I fall back to sleep or calm down more?”

 

“Don’t even have to ask.” 

 

Bucky sighs loudly a couple of times, and shifts to get comfortable.  He kicks the blankets off him and yanks himself out of Steve’s hold.  He can’t explain what’s going on to Steve and he knows it’s got to be upsetting him.    Steve rests his fingers on Bucky’s back letting him know he’s there, but giving him the freedom to get up if he needs to.  Which he does.  He runs into the bathroom and slams the door shut suddenly feeling… he’s not even sure.  He turns the shower on as hot as he can get it, adds just enough cold water so it doesn’t actually burn him then gets in. 

 

He’s not sure how long he’s in there but Steve’s suddenly in the shower fully clothed.  He gets Bucky into his arms then just holds him.  He turns the water off and they sit in the tub.  Bucky clings, anytime Steve tries to get him to move to the bedroom Bucky whines.  It takes Steve suggesting they go to the living room for Bucky to let him take him out of the bathroom.

 

Steve doesn’t even bother asking he just puts the couch cushions on the floor then lets Bucky settle however he wants.  He lets Bucky put him where he wants him.  Which unsurprisingly to Steve is facing away from him in a death like grip. 

 

“I fought as much as I could.  I tried Steve.  I swear I didn’t want…..” Bucky stops and hides his face in Steve’s shoulder.

 

“Let me roll over.”  Steve says.

 

“Listen to me, I mean really listen to me.  No one is **_ever_** going to hurt you like that again.  I am **_never_** going to expect anything, except this right here.  Us holding each other that’s it.  And even then I don’t expect it.  But it’s just really nice.”  Bucky smiles small and Steve thinks he’s getting through the fog of Bucky’s mind.

 

“I know you didn’t want it.  I know you fought. Bucky there was nothing you could do.  I know that.  I love you.  All of you.  I am **_never_** going to leave you.  I am **_always_** going to be here.  You’re my world.  I meant what I said when I told Sam when I had nothing I had you.  I… Even the parts you think are broken, I love those parts too.”

 

“Steve.”  Bucky says as he snuggles in.

 

“Can you remind me of that every once in a while.  I think I might need it.  Right now at least.”  Steve just kisses the top of his head.

 

Bucky falls into a fitful sleep.  He shifts away from Steve in his sleep.  He wakes with a shout of Steve’s name.  He’s up on his feet before Steve can even try to soothe.  Steve follows at an ever so slight distance and is surprised to find Bucky curled up with the Captain America bear in bed.  Steve stops and leans against the door when he realizes Bucky’s actually having a conversation with it.  He makes a mental note to ask Sam about it as he listens.

 

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  I can’t get out of my own head.  And I promised him we wouldn’t hurt you anymore, but you’re too close.  But I was being clingy and I’m not making any sense and all I want is to go to sleep and wake up and have me be me again.  The me you love.  And I know you say you love the broken parts too, but you don’t see the look you get every time I get like this.  It’s like I keep chipping away at you little by little.  I hate it.  I hate…..”  Steve just takes him into his arms and shushes him.

 

Bucky wants to pull away.  He really does.  But he knows it would hurt Steve, and he can’t bring himself to do that **_again_**.  He’s surprised when Steve pulls away with a kiss to his temple.  Then Steve’s pulling the blankets around him.  He kisses the top of Bucky’s head and tells him he’s going to go for a run, to call if he needs him. Bucky doesn’t think he could love Steve more than he does in that moment. 

 

Bucky falls asleep shortly after Steve leaves.  He’s back in the room facing the Soldier.  The Soldier indicates he should sit, but Bucky just leans against the wall.  They stare at each other for a while.  Bucky has to admit it unsettles him.  Then it’s not the Soldier he’s looking at, it’s himself before the war.  That makes him wish the room had a door.  He realizes he never noticed before that it doesn’t.

 

“Look, I get it.  We’re broken.  Really broken.  But when have you ever known Stevie to get pushy with us?  And he ain’t some china doll who’s gonna break if we push him away.  Never has been.  What’s it gonna take for you to realize he loves us?  All of us?”

 

“You have… okay so you do know the hell I’ve been through.  Point is he shouldn’t have to put us back together.  We shouldn’t be this broken.  We shouldn’t keep hurting him every time we open our mouth.”

 

“Don’t give me that crap.  We don’t.  You know it, I know it, that one in the corner knows it.  What hurts him is when we push him away.  You and I both know he’s got this need to protect those that need it, to save those who need it.  Just happens to be us this time. Can’t help the fact that our own head is the bully this time.   He’s not going to suddenly decide he can’t deal with us anymore.  He loves us with everything he is.  And he’s so stubborn he ain’t gonna give up on us.”

 

“What if we’re too broken?”  That’s the Soldier.

 

“For Steve?  Oh my God am I the only one who gets Steven Grant Rogers in this room?  And I know what you’re thinking, so just stop it right there.  It ain’t like you talk to yourself when you’re awake.  We’re not crazy.”  He says pointing to Bucky.

 

 “Now I am going to say this one more time.  Then you are waking up, cooking Steve a nice meal, then calling him and telling him to come home.  We are going to pamper the living hell out of our man.  Because he deserves it.  Because, and both you repeat after me: he loves us with everything he is and will never stop.”  Then the younger him is gone.  The Soldier gives him a look and disappears too.  Bucky wakes up and hops into the shower.  Surely, after that dream he deserves it.

 

He gets out and puts on a pair of Steve’s sweats and one of his hoodies.  He puts on Steve’s mix then starts figuring out what he wants to cook.  By the time Steve gets back, not looking the least bit sweaty, dinner’s almost ready and he’s got everything set in the living room.   Steve wraps himself loosely around Bucky from behind and places a gentle kiss on the back of Bucky’s neck.

 

“What’s all this?”  Steve asks as he plucks a tomato out of the salad.

 

“Dinner.  Go get changed.  We’re doing dinner in sweats.”  Bucky says pulling Steve back in and giving him a soft kiss. 

 

“Okay.  You’re explaining all of this though.”

 

“Yeah.” Bucky says distractedly, he hopes Steve thinks it’s because he’s focused on cooking, but then he realizes he’s never been able to pull anything over on Steve.

 

They settle into the living room and before Bucky can even set the plates down on the coffee table Steve’s pulling him into him, so Bucky’s leaning against him.  It settles him much like Steve’s special tone, as he’s taken to thinking of it, does.  Steve’s hold is loose and he brushes a tentative kiss over the back of Bucky’s neck.  Bucky curses himself.

 

“Hey.  Relax it’s okay.  I’m right here.  I’ve got you.”

 

“I called Sam.  I had this dream it was me, the Soldier, and me from before. I think I’m really losing it Steve.  Sam says I’m not.  Bruce says I’m not.  But I feel like I am.  Normal people don’t have dreams where they… Steve don’t lock me up in some asylum.  Don’t put me away.”  Bucky begs and then he’s turning in Steve’s embrace clinging to him, dinner forgotten.  Steve lets him cling.  Bucky crawls into his lap suddenly.  He wraps himself around Steve again and rests his forehead on Steve’s.

 

“I am not going to let **_anyone_** take you away from me.  We’ll get you help, but we’ll do it on your terms.  We’ll pick a place you feel safe.  You’ll pick the person.  And we’ll get you the help you need.  No one is taking you from me **_ever_** again.”

 

Bucky hugs Steve and kisses the side of his neck, then his shoulder.  He tries to shift so they can eat dinner but Steve just keeps him where he is.  Steve mirrors his kisses and whispers that he loves him into his neck.  They stay like that until long after the sun has set.  Steve feels awful dinner is ruined but Bucky manages to salvage it.  He brings out desert and Steve barks out a laugh.

 

“How did you get Abbi to part with the recipe?”  Steve says when he sees the chocolate crème pie.

 

“She plays bridge with some of the girls from the neighborhood this afternoon at the community center.  Jaime gave it to me.  Made me swear I’d tell Abbi I broke in and nicked it.  Which because it’s Jaime I said yes.”  Steve gives him a loud kiss then gets plates and a knife to cut into the pie.

 

“Oh my God Buck this is amazing.  Do I have to share the rest of this with you?”  It’s Bucky’s turn to bark out a laugh.

 

“Not if you don’t want to.  Cuddle.”  Bucky requests.  Steve puts his plate down and lets Bucky wrap himself around him.

 

“So this younger version of you, he say anything exceptionally smart?”

 

“Said you loved me with everything you were and always would.  Which I already knew.  No, I know.  But I just… I’m so broken Steve.  You don’t deserve someone who keeps hurting you.  You deserve someone who loves you and only wants you happy.”

 

“Gee, you just described yourself.”

 

“I’m serious Steve.

 

“So am I.  Bucky that younger you in your head isn’t telling you anything you don’t already know.  Isn’t telling you anything I haven’t thousands of time since you’ve been back.  I’m not mad, and I’ll tell you until you really can believe it.”

 

“He also said I’m not too broken.”

 

“Gee maybe I did end up having all the stupid.”

 

“You’re loving this aren’t you?”  Bucky says, but his tone is light.  Steve thinks that’s a small win.

 

“Me.  No.  Why would I?  Just because this younger version of you in your head is pointing out things I’ve been saying for a while.”  Bucky playfully punches him then kisses him softly.

 

“Well, gee if that part of me is you, why didn’t the skinny version of you show up in my head?”

 

“Sam would probably say it’s because you wouldn’t believe it.”

 

“He’s probably right.  Can we…”

 

“What do you need?”

 

“I’m supposed to be pampering you.”  Bucky says quietly.

 

“Hey, let me take care of you tonight.  You made me pie, that’s pampering me enough.”

 

“I’m going to make this all up to you somehow.  Someday.”  Bucky says snuggling into Steve.

 

“Don’t have anything to make up to me.  This is what we do for each other.  Now what did you want to do a few minutes ago?”

 

“It’s stupid.”

 

“Tell me anyway, please.”

 

“I wanted to go dance up on the roof, but everything’s down here.  It’d….” Steve kisses him to quiet him.

 

“You stay put.  I’ll be right back.”  Steve says then he’s leaving the apartment.  Bucky can hear Steve’s voice in the hall and realizes he’s talking to Jaime. 

 

“Okay so are we changing or just dancing in sweats?”  Steve asks as he comes back in.

 

“What did you just do?  And I want to stay in sweats.”  Steve smiles and nods before answering.

 

“I went and talked to Jaime.  She’s going to take care of everything.  Said she’d let me know when everything was set.”  Before Bucky can reply there’s a knock at the door.

 

“You two are all set.  Just… well it looks like rain, and because it was such short notice I just put my iPod up there… so if it rains….”

 

“We’ll grab it and run, promise.  You’re a real doll you know that.”  Bucky says to her from behind Steve.

 

“Gram would do the same for you two.  Now go on.”

 

They make it through two songs before there’s a slight drop of water.  Bucky grabs the iPod, Steve the speakers.  They drop them off then head back inside.  Steve puts his mix on and then pulls Bucky to him.  They dance in the living room like they used to over seventy years ago, and for the first time since he’s been back, Bucky realizes he’s starting to believe he may not be as broken as he thinks.

 


	50. Chapter Fifty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Shielding Winter for her invaluable beta work on this chapter and help with certain aspects. I really appreciate it.

They dance through the night.  At one point Bucky is filled with want, of what he isn’t sure any more, but he knows it has to do with Steve and that’s enough for him.  He kisses Steve and let’s himself get caught up in it.  He wants this.  Wants Steve.  Steve who is gentle; Steve who silently asks for permission at every new turn and always has.  He gets a flash in his mind of being in the room and then just as quick another flash of Steve, skinny, tiny Steve, his Steve who made him always feel safe, yet he’s still in that room.  He pulls away suddenly and goes and sits down against the arm of the couch.

 

“Buck?”  Steve asks crouching down in front of him.

 

“You always…  You always…”  Bucky takes a deep breath.  It’s not coming out right.  He tries again.

 

 “You… you always made it…  Steve.”  Bucky says suddenly.

 

“Right here.  What do you need?”

 

“You…. I think…. I think….”  Bucky shakes his head and then stands quickly.  He pulls Steve to him and holds on tight.

 

“I ruined… I’m….”  Steve kisses him softly.

 

“You didn’t ruin anything.  What happened?  Was it too much?  Did I go too fast?”

 

“You were there.  Telling me to come to you.  That you’d keep me safe.  But you were smaller.”  Steve doesn’t understand.

 

“Buck.  I don’t…”  Bucky clings then and holds him even tighter.

 

“I… you kept coming back to me.  They’d do horrible things and then take you away.”  Steve just soothes as best he can.

 

Steve tries to get Bucky over to the couch but he stays where he is.  He takes a few deep breaths then loosens his hold a little.    He leans up and kisses Steve softly.  He tries to apologize again and Steve puts a finger on his lips.  Then Bucky leads him to the bedroom and pushes Steve onto the bed before curling up on him.

 

“I used to… you’d show up in the room sometimes.  Hold out your hand and then I’d be… it’d be happening but I’d be with you in my head.  Not that I knew who you were.  But you’d keep me safe.  Keep me from breaking.  But it was smaller you.”  Bucky finishes quietly.

 

“Oh Buck.”  Steve kisses the top of his head.  Bucky leans up and kisses him on the lips.

 

“I’m tired.  Can I take a nap?”

 

“Buck?”  Steve looks down to find Bucky’s already fallen asleep.

 

“Oh Buck, I’m always going to keep you safe.  Always.” Steve says kissing the top of his head.  Bucky just snuggles in more.

 

Steve wakes the nest morning to find Bucky already up.  He’s sitting out on the fire escape sipping his coffee.  Steve grabs his own then goes out to join him.  He thinks Bucky looks better than he has in a while.  Bucky leans into him as soon as he’s settled.  Steve drapes his arms around Bucky holding him loosely.

 

“Morning.”  Steve says brushing a kiss over his temple.

 

“Hmm.”   Bucky sounds like he’s half asleep.

 

Steve moves his coffee cup from his hand and is surprised when Bucky suddenly shifts to kiss him, though he welcomes it.  Bucky pulls him up then and brings him back inside.  He makes Steve put his running gear on.  They head out and end up in the park just walking hand in hand.  Steve rests his head on Bucky’s shoulder at one point and Bucky lifts his chin for a kiss.  Steve steers them to their spot and then deepens the kiss as he pulls Bucky down into the grass. He pulls away and then rests his head on Bucky’s chest.  Neither of them hear the camera clicks in the distance.

 

They get back to the apartment to find Jaime and Pepper both pacing in front of the door.  They arch brows at both of them but let them in.  Abbi comes in a few minutes later grinning like the cat who got the cream.  Steve looks at the three of them and wonders what the hell is going on.  Bucky starts pacing and he looks beyond nervous. 

 

“Buck, come over here and sit.”  Steve says holding out his hand.  Bucky lets Steve pull him into his lap.  Pepper’s about to explain when suddenly Jaime thrusts her phone at him.

 

“Pepper what’s going…. Oh… we can explain.” Steve says at the image on Jaime’s phone.

 

“Don’t.  You have nothing to explain.  I’ve got you both a sit down with Brian Williams from NBC.  Fox is being their usual scathing worst.  General Talbot is demanding you step down.”  Pepper says.

 

“What about the President?”  Steve asks, trying not to let General Talbot get to him.  He’s never really liked the man anyway, even less since he seems hell bent on bringing down Phil.

 

“He hasn’t deemed it worthy of a response yet.  I think he’s waiting for you to make the first move.”

 

“I take it we’re going to have no choice but to have a press conference now.” Bucky says.

 

“No, we’re not having a press conference.  Tonight at eight you have the interview with Brian Williams.  Live.  Here.  That’s it.  Unless Stewart or Colbert ask for interviews, because Steve won’t refuse either one of them.”

 

“Here?  Why here?  Why not the tower?” Steve asks.

 

“Because Bucky will be more comfortable.”  Abbi says.

 

“She’s right.”  Bucky says quietly, getting up and going into the bedroom.

 

“Excuse me.”  Steve says following.

 

“Buck?”

 

“I’ll turn myself in.  They can set you up with Sharon.  You….”  Steve kisses him.

 

“First of all, you’re not turning yourself in to anyone.  You did that already to the Avengers.  That’s good enough for the President.  Second, I don’t want to be set up with Sharon.  I want to be with you.  We’re going to do this together.  It’s going to be fine.”

 

“It’s not too late...”  Steve kisses him again.

 

“Forever and till the end of the line.”  Bucky pulls Steve over to the bed and curls up on him.

 

“I feel like I’m going to fall apart again.  I can’t do this.  I’m not strong enough.”  Bucky says quietly.

 

“Then I’ll be strong enough for both of us.  I can do that.”  Bucky snuggles in more and winces at the knock on the door.

 

“You two all right?”  Abbi asks coming in.

 

“Not really.”  Bucky says.

 

“You know that Brian Williams in the best one of the bunch.  It’s why I insisted Pepper call him.  He’s going to be fair to you.  He’ll do his homework.  He’ll make sure they get it right.”

 

“Thanks.”  Bucky says quietly.

 

“I’ll leave you two alone.  You’ve got about two hours before the crew will show up.”  Steve smiles at her.  He chuckles when Pepper comes in right after.

 

“Bucky, if I could get you two out of this I would.”

 

“I know.  Thanks.  You gonna stay?”

 

“Tony and I both are.”

 

“Okay.”  Pepper smiles small and leaves them alone.

 

Steve runs his fingers through the hair at the nape of Bucky’s neck and soothes as best he can.  Bucky falls into a fitful sleep.  He cries out a couple of times and holds Steve a little tight too.  He wakes with a start.

 

“I’m right here.  I’ve got you.”

 

“I’m going to go shower.”  Bucky says getting up.

 

“Buck?”

 

“What?”

 

“Love you.”  Steve says reaching over and pulling him in for a kiss.

 

Steve goes into the living room to find Tony fighting with someone on the phone.  Pepper’s on a vid conference with Sam and Nat.  He goes and picks up Tony’s tablet which has an article with the picture staring back at him.  The article is calling for him to step down, claiming his being gay means he can’t be Captain America.  Steve slams the tablet down on the coffee table so hard the screen cracks.  Tony just gives him a look.

 

Bucky comes out trying to tie his tie.  Steve goes over and takes it from him then does it for him.  He kisses him soundly then goes to get ready himself.  He comes out half an hour later to find Tony sitting on the coffee table while Pepper holds Bucky.  He immediately goes and crouches down in front of him and whispers something to him.  Bucky clings to Steve.

 

“Cap if I could postpone this I would.  I can’t.  Not this time.”  Tony says.

 

“I know.  He’s going to be fine.”  Steve says as there’s a knock on the door.

 

Steve gets up and answers the door.  Brian Williams introduces himself to Steve and then to Bucky.  Steve smiles at how gentle he is with Bucky.  He takes Bucky into the bedroom and talks privately with him.  When they emerge half an hour later Bucky seems calmer.  Steve thanks him silently.

 

“It’s no problem.  Look, I’m going to give you a copy of the questions.  Anything you don’t want asked we’ll scrap.  James wants the chance to address everyone and I’ve agreed to it.  So the second question has to stay.  Otherwise, they can go at your discretion.  I’m going to try and make this as painless as possible.  We’ve got an hour.  And the network’s agreed to do it commercial free, so we’ll only take a break if you or James need it.”

 

“I’m impressed, you’re not sugar coating anything and yet I don’t feel attacked.”

 

“Not my style Captain.”

 

“Brian, we’ve got to get you all into make-up if you want the full hour.”  The make-up artists says.  Steve looks over at Bucky, who’s already sat down and chuckles.

 

“What, punk?”

 

“Nothing, jerk, I’m just surprised you’re letting her do it is all.”

 

“You know me, always wanted to be a movie star.  And Momma always said I had the looks for it.”  Bucky says with a wink.  Steve throws his head back and laughs.  Brian just watches the whole scene and smiles as Tony pulls him to the side.

 

“I’d like a look at those questions myself.” 

 

“Sorry, that wasn’t part of the deal I made with Ms. Potts.  Look, I get it you want to protect them.  I already promised James we do this at his pace.  He wants it to end it does.  He and I worked out a signal.  The network has back up programming in place should he not be able to go the full hour.”

 

“Brian you’re up.”  The make-up artist calls.

 

“If you’ll excuse me, Mr. Stark.”

 

Soon enough it’s show time.  Bucky and Steve are seated on the couch.  Brian’s in a chair the network provided.  Bucky’s left hand is clearly visible and Steve sits on his left and holds it.  Bucky wants to pull away but then Steve leans over and kisses him on the cheek, whispers something to him and he settles.

 

Brian goes through the introduction and they throw pictures of Bucky and Steve up on the monitors.  They get to the war years and Bucky shifts uncomfortably at the picture of Zola and the train.  Steve reaches behind him and runs his hand up the small of his back, rubbing in gentle circles.  When Brian explains the Winter Soldier project and Bucky’s role in it, it takes everything Bucky has to stay put.  Same when he gets to the take down of SHIELD and the incident on the helicarrier.  The first question goes to Steve.

 

“Captain, when the photo broke this afternoon, Brigadier General Talbot immediately called for you to step down.  Saying and I quote: ‘If he’s going to harbor a fugitive as dangerous as the Winter Soldier, he shouldn’t be Captain America.’  How do you respond to that?”

 

“Locking, Bucky up in a cage isn’t going to do anyone any good.  He’s not an animal.  He’s not a monster, though I’m sure that’s how Talbot would like it to appear.  He isn’t going to hurt anyone.  And besides Brian, you and I both know what you’re leaving out of that quote.  So how about you finish it and let me fully respond.”  Steve says keeping his voice as even as he can.

 

“All right.  He also said, and again I quote, ‘Someone like him shouldn’t be a role model to our children.  Captain America should stand for American Values.’”

 

“Last time I checked, Brian, don’t ask don’t tell had been found unconstitutional.  Last time I checked in many states in the country Bucky and I could get married.  So tell me how exactly I don’t stand for American Values.  Just because the General’s value system is some archaic ideal doesn’t mean the rest of the country thinks that way.  And those that do agree with him, well I’m sorry you feel that way.  But I refuse to apologize for loving this man.”  Steve says giving Bucky’s hand a squeeze.”

 

“Let’s say for a minute the country does ask you to step down.”

 

“Fine then I won’t fight as Captain America anymore.  But if they think for one second I’ll choose Captain America over Bucky then they’re out of their minds.  Bucky’s been with me longer than I’ve been Captain America.  When I had nothing, when I was just this scrawny kid from Brooklyn who couldn’t get the Army to take him, Bucky was there.  So if it comes down to a choice between Bucky and Captain America then Bucky’s going to win every time.”

 

“Easy there, punk.  He just asked a question no need to glare at him like you want to fight him in a back alley.”

 

“Sorry.”  Steve says blushing.

 

“James, what about you?  Do you want to respond to any of that?”

 

“Look, I know I’ve done horrible things.  I know there are going to be those who don’t believe they brainwashed me.  Hell, there are times I agree with them.  I mean they’re right, those who say it was my hand on the trigger.  But it’s taken me… Stevie, says I would have fought.  And he’s right.  I remember fighting against them.  It took Zola telling me Steve was dead and then starting the whole process over when I was grieving, to get it to take the first time.  And I’d fight over the years.  But when they cryogenically freeze you then pull you out for less than a day usually getting your head on straight enough to fight isn’t as easy as they think it is.  And according to the files, which I’m giving the Avengers permission to turn over to the press and the public, as long as Brian here gets first look, they had to do that or else I would fight.  I’d get enough of myself back to fight.  Okay, that’s not exactly true.  What I’d get are flashes of Steve.  Those would be enough to get me to fight.

 

“I turned myself in to the Avengers, not because Steve’s a member of the team, but because I knew if something happened they’d be able to stop me.  And I’m not going to lie to anyone here.  It has.  Twice.  The first time it was Vice President Wright, so Brigadier General Talbot, you’re welcome.  The second time they grabbed me from here.  It was bad. Steve got hurt, by me.  But the Avengers kept the damage isolated to places where it was just them who would be hurt. 

 

“I can understand why people are demanding I be turned over to the authorities but I’d like to point out no one knew Wright was HYDRA.  According to SHIELD intel there could be more people higher up in the government who are loyal to HYDRA.  My being with the Avengers is for the best.

 

“One more thing Brian, then you can have control of the interview back, I promise.  To the families of my victims, I’m sorry.  Had I been myself it would have never happened.  And I know that doesn’t make it right.  And I know it doesn’t fix it but I want you to know I am sorry.”

 

“James, what about the rest of that quote from Brigadier General Talbot, did you want to respond?”

 

“You know Steve and I spent most of our time the first time around hiding who we were.  How we felt about each other.  According to a lot of people I talk to now, we don’t have to do that anymore.  I’m going to stand by whatever Steve decides.  I’m not going to apologize for loving him any more than he’s going to apologize for loving me.” Bucky says.

 

Brian turns the questions to the intel and Steve takes most of those.  He asks Bucky about his recovery and Bucky tenses.  Brian throws it to commercial and pretends to go over notes as Steve soothes him.  Bucky refuses to dodge the question.  Refuses to not answer it.  When they get back from commercial, Brian quickly recaps what people just tuning in may have missed then asks the question again.

 

“It’s been a hard road.  I get flashes of things and I can’t always ask Steve about them because it’s just a snippet.  Him in the kitchen when he was smaller.  Or me coming home.”

 

“What about when you were a POW?”

 

“The camp?  That came back while we were going through the files.  It wasn’t pretty.  But we got through it.”

 

“No.  I meant….”  Bucky ends up interrupting him to finish the thought.

 

“My time with HYDRA.  That comes back in patches.  It’s never good.  Those are the dark days.  Those are the days I don’t want to get out of bed.  Those are the days I think Steve would be better off without me.  Those are the days I think I should turn myself over to someone in Washington.  But then I remember HYDRA’s so high up I can’t.”

 

Brian realizes their time is almost up and he asks Steve if there’s anything he wants to tell the public.  Steve says no, that he’s said all he wants.  When Brian poses the same question to Bucky Steve’s slightly surprised when he says he does.

 

“Look, I know the whole ‘he was brainwashed’ is hard to swallow.  I know it doesn’t excuse anything I’ve done.  I don’t want it to.  But what they don’t tell you in the Smithsonian exhibit is that Steve isn’t the only one who stuck up for the little guy.  Steve isn’t the only one who saw wrongs and tried to fix them.  What they made me do as the Winter Soldier, that’s not me.  Had I been able to fight it harder I would have.  I fought it with everything I had.  It was why they had to put me on ice between missions I got too much of myself back if they didn’t.  Then I fought.  But I wasn’t in top form…. And….”  Bucky trails off and ever so slightly shifts in his chair, tapping his left thumb against his leg.

 

“Buck?”  Steve asks.  Bucky shakes his head a few times to clear it and Brian closes out in the interview.

 

“Steve… shit.  I…”  Steve crouches down in front of him and runs his fingers through his bangs.

 

“I rambled.  I….”  Steve kisses him softly.

 

“You were fine.  The people will get it.  I’m going to go talk to Ms. Potts.  Will you two be all right?”  Brian asks.  To Steve his concern sounds genuine.

 

“We’ll be fine.  We’ll go into the bedroom so the crew can get everything out of here.  Thank you for everything.”  Steve says shaking his hand.  Then Steve gets Bucky to his feet and into the other room.

 

The second Steve has the door locked Bucky is clinging to him.  Steve maneuvers him to the bed and holds him, soothing as best he can.  Bucky starts shaking and clings more.  He curls into Steve and tries to hide.  Steve kisses the top of his head.

 

“I am so proud of you.  You did so well.”

 

“I… I can’t…. Steve help.  Keep me here.  I’m… the flashes… the table…. the room… help.”  Steve tips Bucky’s chin up and kisses him.  There’s a knock on the door and Bucky whimpers, but he lets Steve up.

 

“What?”  Steve asks, slightly throwing the door open.

 

“I just wanted to let you both know the crew and Brian have left.  Tony and I are going to go as soon as…Steve just go back to bed.”  Pepper says peeking around him.

 

“You’ll lock up?”

 

“Of course.  I’ll call you in the morning.”

 

“Buck, you still… woah okay.  Come here.  I’ve got you.  I’m right here.  I love you.”  Steve says as Bucky pulls him to him.

 

“Stevie.”  Bucky says quietly.

 

“I’ve got you.”

 

“Not close enough.”  Steve shifts onto his back and lets Bucky lay on him. 

 

That’s how they fall asleep.  Bucky curled up clinging to Steve.  Steve holding him just as tight.  Bucky falls asleep first  Steve’s last thought before falling asleep is that he doesn’t think he could love Bucky more than he does right now.  That he couldn’t be more proud of him either.

 


	51. Chapter Fifty One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to say thank you for all of your patience. Here's the next chapter. I hope you all enjoy. 
> 
> A very big thank you to Shieldingwinter for her wonderful beta work and support.

Steve wakes to Bucky kissing down his back.  He gets to the small of it and kisses his way back up.  Steve rolls over and Bucky claims his mouth with his own.  It gets heated and Bucky backs off with a peck on his lips.  Steve thinks it’s progress he hasn’t apologized.  Bucky pulls Steve from bed and makes him put his running gear on.  Then they head out.  Bucky insists on grabbing the morning papers.  They get back to the apartment and Bucky plops down on the couch to read them.  Steve goes to make coffee.  He comes back with it and Bucky takes it while leaning up to give Steve a kiss.

 

“What’s the verdict?”  Steve asks sitting at the other end of the couch.  He lets Bucky rest his feet in his lap.

 

“The _Times_ wants an interview with me.  The others are trash.  They want me taken into an alley and beaten or killed in much the same way I took everyone else out.  And they’re demanding you step down.  The _Bugle_ is the one who shot the picture by the way.  They finally admitted it this morning.  According to the _Times_ the President is still keeping mum.  But then he was a little busy last night hosting a State Dinner for the Wakandan ambassador.  So I’m sure he’ll have something to say later today.”  Bucky says.  Steve leans in for a kiss, which Bucky gives.

 

They lounge around the living room till Pepper calls to check in at ten.  She gives them the rundown on the morning shows.  Most of the verdicts are positive.  She explains that Fox is still calling for Bucky’s head on a pike practically but she expected no less.  She then tells Steve that he might want to catch the repeat of the Daily Show and Colbert Report.  He chuckles but says he will.  Bucky just gives him a look.

 

“Any word from the President?”  Steve asks.

 

“Oh I was saving that for last.  I actually have a DVD of that being sent over as soon as JARVIS can throw it together.  Overall, I think things went very well.  I expected Fox to be a problem and I was pretty sure the _Post_ would be as well.  As for the _Bugle_ well what can I say?  They’ve always been more interested in sensationalism than real news.  How’s Bucky?”

 

“Okay.  Not great, but he’s okay.  We’re going to lie low for the day.  I want him all to myself right now anyway.  And I think he’s feeling the same way.”

 

“Then I’ll just have whoever brings over the DVD leave it by the door and knock once.”

 

“Thanks.”  They make their goodbyes and Steve hangs up.  He notices Bucky’s up and pacing by the window.

 

Steve goes over and wraps himself around him, stopping him.  Bucky melts into him and clings.  Steve kisses his temple and wonders what brought it on.  Bucky doesn’t answer just clings even tighter.  Steve kisses his temple and steers him towards the bedroom.  Once they’re settled Bucky relaxes slightly.

 

“Buck?”

 

Bucky doesn’t say anything just kisses Steve softly before settling back down.  He grabs the remote off the nightstand and puts on a few of the news channels.  For the most part things are just like Pepper said.  Bucky shuts it off almost as soon as he’s got it on.  He snuggles into Steve more and sighs loudly.

 

“Hey.”  Steve says softly.

 

Bucky kisses him again and then starts making patterns on Steve’s chest.  He tries to get even closer to Steve’s surprise.  Steve kisses the top of his head and waits it out.  Bucky will talk to him when he’s ready, he knows.  Not that he wants to wait.  But he doesn’t want to push Bucky either.

 

“I don’t know what’s wrong all right?  I’m just in a mood.”  Bucky says suddenly.  Steve chuckles softly and kisses the top of his head again.

 

“All right.  You know you can talk to me, right?”

 

“Yes, Steve I know.”  Bucky says angrily.  Steve tries to get up but Bucky clings.

 

“Stay.”  Bucky says quietly.  He kisses Steve’s chest.

 

They lay in silence until the knock comes on the door.  Bucky lets Steve up to get the disc and then pulls Steve back into bed as soon as he can.  He reaches over and starts the DVD.  The President is surprisingly on one of the morning shows.  Steve’s a little surprised by how harsh Matt Lauer is when the anchors are discussing the interview with Brian.  He’s also slightly surprised that Brian defends Bucky as vehemently as he does.  He watches the other coverage with vague interest.  He starts to skip the Fox coverage but Bucky insists on watching.  

 

Bucky watches for a few minutes then hides himself in Steve begging him to turn it off.  Steve skips past it.  The Anderson Cooper report for CBS seems to soothe Bucky slightly.  Steve thinks it’s because of all the reporters, with the exception Brian, he believes Bucky when he says he had no control.  They get to the George Stephanopoulos one with the President and Steve insists on watching it explaining to Bucky that he used to be a Press Secretary for a former President.  Bucky nods and makes patterns on Steve’s chest.

 

“George, thank you for turning over the hour to me.  Now, while I know General Talbot and Fox feel I should demand Captain Rogers step down, I’m not going to do that.  I agreed to allow Sergeant Barnes to turn himself into the Avengers.  I knew that allowing that would give him the opportunity to find his footing again and get the help he most likely needs.  I’m sure that’s not going to sit well with many, but the man’s been through hell.”

 

“How do you respond to those who say he should be put on trial in international courts for his crimes as the Winter Soldier?”

 

 

“What about brainwashed are those people not understanding?  I’ve seen the security footage from when former Vice President Wright met with him and Captain Rogers at Avengers Tower.  I can assure you he’s not lying when he says he’s been brainwashed.  And before you ask, George, it’s not my place to allow people the right to see the footage.  That’s up to the Avengers.”

 

“This could cost you political allies in Congress.”  George points out.

 

“It could.  But I’d like to think after looking at all of the files on the matter, they’d come around”

 

“One last question, did you know Captain Rogers was gay?”

 

“No.  But the bigger question should be do I think that prevents him from being Captain America.  And the answer to that is no.  Who he goes home to at night doesn’t affect his ability to do his job.”

 

“Thank you for your time Mr. President, I realize you’re a busy man.”

 

The rest of the DVD is much of the same with all the 24hr news channels.  Commentators defending the President’s decision to allow Bucky to turn himself into the Avengers.  Then defending Steve’s right to love who he loves.  Bucky, Steve notices has rolled away from him and is on the edge of the bed by the time the DVD ends.  Steve pulls him back into his arms.

 

“Buck?”  Steve asks when he suddenly rolls over and hides himself in Steve.

 

“Don’t let them take me away.”

 

“Not gonna happen, Buck.  I promise you.”  Steve says showering Bucky with kisses.  Bucky lifts his head and Steve kisses him senseless.

 

Bucky rests his head on Steve’s chest once they part and dozes.  When he wakes up he seems a bit lighter.  He kisses Steve softly then goes to get up to make something for lunch.  Steve stops him and pulls him in for another kiss.

 

“You all right, punk?”  Bucky asks, Steve thinks he sounds concerned.

 

“Sure.  Just wanted another kiss is all.”  Steve says hiding his head in Bucky’s shoulder.

 

“I could just come back to bed if you wanted.”  Bucky says playfully.  Steve just kisses Bucky’s shoulder in response.

 

“Move over, punk.”  Bucky says climbing in.

 

They trade lazy kisses for the rest of the afternoon.  Steve is about to put the brakes on when Bucky does it.  He gets out of bed and races into the bathroom, but he doesn’t shut the door.  He’s leaning on the sink with his head hung.  Steve goes and wraps his arms around him from behind.

 

“Hey, come back to bed.”  Steve says kissing his left shoulder.  Bucky shifts out of his arms.

 

“Too much.  I’m gonna go for a walk.  Clear my head a bit.  Be back later, okay?”

 

“Sure.”  Steve says, stopping him and kissing his cheek softly.

 

Bucky heads out and Steve fights the urge to follow.  He needs to give Bucky space he knows; and he knows they’re not fighting, yet something is off between them.  At least that’s how it feels to him, and he hates it.  He keeps himself busy straightening up the apartment, but it doesn’t take long.  He decides to go for a walk himself.  He leaves Bucky a note then heads out.  He gets outside the building to find Bucky coming back up the block talking to a few of their neighbors.  He waves then continues down towards the park.

 

Bucky excuses himself and heads after Steve.  He catches up to him and spins him around then kisses him.  Then he drags him back to the apartment.  Once they’re inside Bucky kisses him senseless and picks him up to carry him to the bedroom.  They trade kisses again and soon Steve is wrecked.  He’s begging Bucky to stop teasing.  Bucky takes a few deep breaths then wraps his hand around Steve.  It doesn’t take Steve long before he’s coming with a drawn out moan.

 

“Sorry.”  Steve says.

 

“I shouldn’t…. I started it.  And I wanted to.” Bucky says quietly.

 

“Buck, I should have….”  Bucky kisses him then wraps himself around him.

 

Steve shifts and runs his fingers through Bucky’s hair.  Bucky leans into the touch and then leans up for a kiss.  Steve kisses Bucky until he’s smiling again.  Steve dozes for a bit then wakes when he feels the bed shift.  Bucky’s sitting with his feet off the side, about to get up when Steve’s voice stops him.

 

“Buck?”  Steve says sleepily. 

 

“Go back to sleep.  I’m fine.”  Bucky says, hoping Steve buys the lie.  He doesn’t.

 

“What can I do?”  Steve asks leaning over to kiss Bucky’s shoulder.

 

“I don’t know.  I really don’t.” Bucky says hanging his head.  Steve wraps his arms around Bucky’s neck then kisses his shoulder again.

 

“Do you want to be alone?  I can go to the tower.”  Bucky shakes his head.

 

“I wasn’t following you earlier, I just felt cooped up so….”  Bucky kisses his hand.

 

“I know you weren’t.  Being outside didn’t help.  And I know I shouldn’t want to but I just want to hide from everything for a while.”

 

“Including me.”  Steve says quietly untangling himself from Bucky.

 

“No.  Not you.  I just... my head is still a fucking mess.  I can’t get it to shut up.  And I can’t ask you for the one thing that would shut it up.  Does that make sense?”

 

“Oh Buck.  Come here.” Steve says opening his arms.  Bucky goes into them and tries to settle but can’t.

 

“Buck, relax.  I’ve got you. I love you.”  Steve says.  He’s surprised when it works.

 

“Steve.”  Bucky all but whines.

 

Steve starts running his hands up and down Bucky’s arm. Then shifts away a bit to run his fingers down his back.  Bucky rolls onto his stomach and Steve starts to work out the knots in his muscles.  Bucky tenses every once in a while when Steve goes to his left side. Steve kisses his left side all the way up to the shoulder and tells him how gorgeous he is.  Bucky ducks his head and Steve thinks he tells him he’s not.  Steve just keeps kissing his left side and running his hands over his right.

 

“Steve.  Stop.”  Steve does immediately.  He kicks himself mentally for not having thought it through.

 

“Buck”

 

“Hold me.” Bucky says quietly. 

 

Steve takes Bucky into his arms and kisses the top of his head.  Bucky lets out a shaky breath and Steve notices he’s not snuggling in like he usually does.  He runs his fingers through his hair and kisses the top of his head again.  Bucky sighs loudly.  Steve tries to soothe but Bucky moves away slightly and curls in on himself.  When he speaks Steve has to strain to hear him he’s so quiet.

 

“If you want to leave like you said, you can.  I’ll be fine.”

 

“Not gonna go anywhere Buck.”

 

“It was…. I’m going to go shower.”  Bucky says getting up.

 

Steve waits until he hears the shower start running before he calls Sam.  Sam says that given what he’s already told them it could have been too much.  He also tells Steve not to kick himself for what happened.  If Bucky says he wanted to he probably did.  Steve asks about how things are going there and Sam hands the phone to Natasha.

 

“Nat?”

 

“Listen to me very carefully **_DO NOT_** let him even remotely consider turning himself over to the government.  There’s a reason Wright and Pierce were able to fool everyone.  Ellis and maybe two members of his Cabinet are the only ones not HYDRA from what I can tell.  Just keep him where he is.  How is he?”

 

“Not… I don’t know… I told Pepper he was okay but that was a few hours ago and now I think he’s hiding from me in the bathroom.  Nat I think I re…”  Steve sees a flash of metal and then the phone suddenly isn’t in his hand.

 

“Natalia, he’s going to have to call you back.” Bucky says hitting end on the call.

 

“C’mere, punk.”  Bucky says laying down.

 

Steve does and Bucky just holds him.  He kisses him softly then settles in.  Steve lets Bucky hold him for a bit in silence.  He tries not to worry, but he can’t seem to help it.  Bucky kisses him again then speaks.

 

“You have to promise to not get angry.  You have to promise to not beat yourself up.  You need to just let me tell you what was wrong and not interrupt me or distract me.”

 

“All right.”  Steve says.

 

“It was too close to what they used to do to me on the table.  I mean on some level I knew it was you, that’s why I let it go as far as it did.  But then I couldn’t stop the fear from creeping in.  I’m already not in a good headspace.  I’m sorry.  And I know you’re going to say I don’t have to be.  But I am because I know that’s going to hurt you.  But know, I’m not thrilled either.  I want us back.  I want us to be able to be intimate.  I just….  It’s so much worse than I thought it was.  I’ll completely understand if you want to leave.”  Bucky says as he loosens his hold.  Steve snuggles in, in response.

 

“Whatever you need Buck.  We take this at your pace.  If it gets too much just do what you did today.  I’ll stop.  I told you before your well-being is more important to me than sex.  I’m sorry about earlier, I should have put the brakes on.  I knew you weren’t in a good place.”

 

“I wanted to.  I really did.  I don’t think I thought about the fact you’d want to reciprocate in some way.  We… are we...  Are we okay?”  Bucky finishes with a whisper.

 

“Oh Buck, of course we are.”  Steve says snuggling in again before leaning up to kiss Bucky’s chin.

 

“I love you.  More than I could ever tell you.”  Bucky says quietly.

 

“I love you too.”  Steve kisses over Bucky’s heart.  Bucky shivers.

 

“You okay?”

 

“I’m sorry I….  I just… I needed….”  Bucky says unsure of what he wants to say.

 

“You needed to clear your head.  I get it.  I called Sam.    He told me not to kick myself for what happened.”

 

“He’s right.  Don’t.  I really did want to.  This would be so much easier if my boyfriend weren’t super-hot just lying in a bed.”  Bucky says giving Steve a peck on the lips.  Steve chuckles.

 

“Look, I don’t want to kill the mood, and I don’t want to stress you out more.  But I promised myself with the files I wasn’t going to keep things from you if you weren’t able to go through them yourself.  Same goes for what they find in Washington.”

 

“Sounds ominous.  Steve what’s going on?”

 

“Nat says there are so many high level officials who are HYDRA that it’s just the President and a few of his cabinet members that aren’t from what she can tell.  And she hasn’t even gotten to Congress yet I don’t think.  She wants it made perfectly clear to you, you are not allowed to even remotely consider turning yourself in to them.”

 

“Yes sir, Captain America, sir.”  Bucky says saluting.

 

“I’m being serious.”

 

“I know.”  Bucky says looking down.

 

“None of that.  Come here you.”  Steve says kissing him softly.


	52. Chapter Fifty Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you once again to Shieldingwinter for her beta work. You're the best!

Bucky kisses him again then snuggles in with a bit of a shiver.  Steve doesn’t say anything just pulls the blankets up more around him.  The shaking gets a bit worse and Steve’s about to ask what’s wrong when Bucky gets out of bed and races into the bathroom, Steve hot on his heels.

 

“Bucky?”  Steve asks, then frowns when he realizes Bucky’s gotten sick.  Bucky sinks against the tub.  He reaches for Steve’s hand and holds it.

 

“I don’t feel safe.”  Bucky says quietly.  It breaks Steve’s heart at how lost he sounds.

 

Steve shifts, not letting go of his hand, and takes him into his arms.  He runs his fingers through his bangs and kisses his forehead then starts to hum.  Bucky settles against him and they stay like that for what Steve thinks is hours.  Bucky sleeps.  He calls out in his sleep a few times for Steve, who kisses his forehead to let him know he’s there.  He murmurs things that don’t make sense to Steve, as if he’s having a conversation with someone.   Steve wonders which version of himself he’s fighting this time.  He kisses his forehead and tells him he loves him.  Bucky settles again, snuggling into Steve’s side.  Bucky wakes with a whine of Steve’s name and an ‘I know you will, punk’.  Steve is holding him and humming to him with his eyes closed.  Bucky smiles and leans up to kiss his jaw. 

 

“Hi.”  Steve says softly.

 

“You could’ve moved us to the bed.”  Bucky says just as softly.

 

“I didn’t want to wake you.  Come on, handsome, let’s get you back to bed.”

 

“You… you used to call me that before.  You’d… Steve.”  Bucky says kissing him as the memory hits him.  It comforts him slightly to know this isn’t some new thing Steve’s only just started doing.  Bucky hates admitting that at one point he’d thought it was pity.

 

“Wait, I’ve been doing that on and off for a while.  You just remembered?” Steve asks concerned.

 

“Yeah.  Should have said.  But I liked it.  I know I was out of it when I said it, but there are times I really do think I’m a monster and I don’t get why you still love me.  Or why you still want me.  So I….”  Steve quiets him with a soft kiss.

 

“I love you, you dope.  To me you’re the best looking guy on the planet.  And you always have been.  Now come on, bed.  Are you hungry at all?  I can get you something.  We can have it in here.”  Bucky shakes his head and pulls Steve into bed, then snuggles up into his side.

 

“You’d call me that before when you thought I was asleep.  Like you didn’t want me to know.”  Bucky says quietly suddenly wrapping his arms around Steve.

 

“I thought you’d leave.”

 

“Never. You were stuck with me.  Still are.”  Bucky says kissing his chin.

 

“Good.  Don’t want it any other way.”    Steve says tipping his head down to meet Bucky for a kiss.

 

“I’m apparently still losing it.  Only now it’s you in my head.”

 

“I wondered.”

 

“You from before.  Told me he’d keep me safe.  Reminded me that deep down your still him.  And I get that I do.  I just…. They can… They could….. You know if it came down to you or me you’re going to win right.  Like if they said either I turn myself in or they hurt you it’s going to happen.  I don’t care that you’re Captain America.  I…..”  Steve kisses him softly to calm him.

 

“Steve I’m serious.”  Bucky says clinging to him a bit.

 

“I know you are.  Bucky, I know.  Same for me you know.  You win every time too. “

 

“I’m tired.  I’m gonna nap.”  Bucky says settling in.  Steve would laugh but he’s too worried.

 

He holds Bucky close and tries to relax and can’t.  He grabs his phone and sends out a quick text then gets up.  He covers Bucky and kisses the top of his head before going out into the living room.  He paces.  He tears apart one of the pillows, then makes note to ask Pepper where she got them.  Before he can do anymore damage his phone rings.

 

“Rogers.”

 

“What’s wrong?”  Bruce asks.

 

Steve tells him everything.  By the time he’s done he’s vibrating with anger and wants nothing more than to wrap himself around Bucky and never let go.  Bruce tells him to sit down and take a few deep breaths.  That’s how Bucky finds him when he comes out of the bedroom.  Steve on the phone with Bruce trying to keep his emotions in check.  He goes and sits behind him and pulls him to him.  Then he takes the phone gently from him.

 

“Bruce, he tell you what’s going on?”

 

“He did.  Have him call me later.”  Bruce says hanging up.

 

“I’m supposed to be helping you.  Keeping you together.”

 

Bucky tips Steve’s chin up and kisses him.  Then he holds him.  What he doesn’t tell Steve is that this is settling him probably more than it should.  Steve shifts so they can wrap around each other, which on the couch isn’t easy if neither of them is willing to get up.  Bucky almost falls off the thing twice.  But finally they’re settled and holding each other.

 

“Sorry.”  Steve says into Bucky’s chest.

 

“This is why I wanted to go off and do it alone.  But I’m a selfish bastard who’s willing to let your stubbornness win because having you here helps more than doing it alone would.”

 

“Buck, I wanted to be here.  I **_want_** to be here.  I just worry.  I used to worry before you know.  What would happen if I were gone?  If I didn’t make it.  I mean I knew you had your family, but I also knew you.  You’d sulk and brood and push everyone away for a while.  I didn’t want you to be alone.  And now, I worry because I’m afraid I’m doing more harm than good.  Plus I don’t have some magic wand I can wave to make you happy again.  I don’t mean like you used to be.  I mean happy now.”  Bucky puts a finger on his lips then kisses him softly.

“You know what we need?”  Bucky says lightly.

 

“No.”  Steve says cautiously.

 

“Ice cream cones.  Summer’s almost over.  And I haven’t had an ice cream cone.  And I want one.”

 

“All right.  But you probably should throw a pair of pants on.”  Steve says with a smile.  Bucky stops half away to the door and throws his head back and laughs.  Steve thinks it’s the best sound in the universe.

 

They ask the kids, who are outside soaking up the last of the summer sun before they start school the next week, where the best place to get ice cream is.  Soon Bucky has two of them hanging off his arms and one around his shoulders.  Steve’s got the same and they’re buying ice cream for everyone.  Steve lets out a chuckle because the woman who runs the ice cream parlor tells all the kids to scram and let ‘Captain America have a date with his boyfriend’.  The kids wave their goodbyes then race off.  Bucky and Steve thank her then head for their spot in the park.

 

When they get there a bunch of teenage girls are having a picnic and watching a group of guys play Frisbee.  Bucky waves and they wave back.  Bucky moves their spot over slightly to give them privacy.  Steve leans against the tree and pulls Bucky back so he’s leaning against him.  Bucky finishes his ice cream then just rests contentedly against him.

 

“Buck?”

 

“Hmmm?”

 

“Love you.”  Steve says kissing the top of his head.

 

“Hmmmm.”  Bucky smiles though.

 

They stay for a bit until it starts to get dark.  Then they head back to the apartment to find the front door unlocked.  Bucky goes on alert until he hears Jaime’s voice.  They go in and shut the door.  Jaime and her friends jump.  Bucky laughs softly.

 

“You guys are home.  Uh we can explain.  Well, not really but….”  Bucky holds up a hand.

 

“Jaime we trust all of you.  Now what are you guys up to?”

 

“Okay so last time we helped Miss Potts clean up Vicki and I got an idea for something and we finished it so we wanted to put it up for you guys.  I thought we were going to be in and out, so you wouldn’t know we were here.  But Gram poked her head in and saw how messy the place was and insisted we clean it up for you.  Said that with the way you were feeling Steve probably just didn’t care about cleaning.  We were just about to head over to Gram’s.  I called Miss Potts and asked her if it was okay.  She said it was fine.  She was going to text one of you.  And she did.  But Captain Rogers left his phone home.  So he never got it obviously.”  Jaime says handing Steve his phone.

 

“So what is this surprise you have for us?  You know the mantle was enough.” Bucky says.

 

“Come on.”  Vicki says grabbing Bucky by the left hand.  She turns back when he doesn’t move.

 

“Dude, like I care, come on.”  Bucky just shakes his head and mouths ‘did she call me dude’ to Steve and lets her drag him into the bedroom.  Steve chuckles and follows.

 

“Girls.”  Steve says truly amazed.

 

He can’t believe that on their wall, in pictures, is their entire relationship laid out like a time line on either side of the bears with the two pictures from what they’d done before in the center pulling it all together.

 

“Okay so Cap likes it.  But that one hasn’t said a word.  I think we screwed up.  We can take it down.”

 

“Don’t.  I just…  Come out into the living room.”  Bucky says.  The girls follow.

 

“I know you all saw the interview.  So you know what I went through.  And well… just to have you guys want to do this for us.  Means a lot.”

 

“I’m going to hug you.”  Vicki says in warning and then she gives him a tight hug.  She whispers something to him and he swallows and takes Steve’s hand.

 

The girls make their goodbyes then and head out.  Steve pulls Bucky to him and kisses him softly.  Steve starts hum and then sway and Bucky chuckles into another kiss.  Bucky pulls away with a peck to Steve’s lips and then he goes and puts the record player on.  Then he goes back into Steve’s arms.

 

“You okay?”  Steve asks.

 

“Not really.  But if my guy wants to dance I’m not going to say no.”  Bucky says kissing Steve softly.

 

They dance to the end of the record then Steve leads Bucky to bed.  Bucky kisses Steve senseless.  Steve does the same to him and then tells him to get some sleep.  Bucky pouts and Steve kisses that away.  Steve wakes at two starving.  Bucky is wide awake next to him staring at the wall above the fireplace.  Steve wraps himself around him and Bucky snuggles in.  He kisses Steve’s hand.

 

“Didn’t mean to wake you.”

 

“You didn’t I’m starving.  All we had was the ice cream.  You want anything?”

 

“No.  Not hungry.  Don’t go.”

 

“Buck?”

 

“You’ll come back, right?”

 

“You want to come with me?”  Bucky shakes his head but follows Steve into the kitchen at the same time.  Steve tries not to worry.

 

Steve makes himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and sticks his tongue out at Bucky’s arched eyebrow.  Then he takes Bucky’s hand and goes back into the bedroom.  Bucky snuggles in and clings.  Steve kisses the top of his head and chuckles when Bucky takes the other half.  Steve puts the plate on the nightstand then shifts so he and Bucky can be wrapped around each other.  Bucky snuggles in and tries to hide in him.

 

“What do you need?”  Steve asks.

 

“You close.  Holding me.  Don’t let go.  Don’t leave.”  Steve kisses the top of his head and wraps himself a little tighter around Bucky.

 

“When I woke up tonight I didn’t know where I was.  It took me a few minutes to realize who you were.  I’m scared and I don’t feel safe and what’s worse is I don’t know why.  You’re here.  You won’t let anything happen. But I can’t shake it.  I’m sorry.”  Bucky finishes quietly.

 

Steve doesn’t know what to say.  He wraps himself around Bucky even tighter.  He’d worry he was hurting him but Bucky just snuggles in even more.  Bucky sighs loudly a few times.  Steve runs his fingers through Bucky’s hair.  They stay like that till the sun comes up.  Steve dozes when Bucky does and wakes when he does too.  Bucky snuggles in again when the sun hits his eyes and whines.

 

“We can stay right here.”

 

“You can go for a run.”

 

“Don’t want to if you’re not gonna come with me.”

 

“Go on.  I’m sure you could use the break from your mentally…..”  Whatever Bucky is going to say is swallowed by the kiss Steve gives him. 

 

“You **_are not_** mentally anything.  And you know me better than that.  I don’t just up and take off when things get tough.  You’re stuck with me, right here holding you or whatever you need.”  Steve notices Bucky settles in a way he hasn’t since the interview.

 

“Okay what is it with me and that tone you get?”  Bucky asks, to Steve he sounds a little angry.

 

“I don’t know.  And I didn’t do it on purpose I don’t even realize I’m using it.  Tony calls it my captain tone.  Nat calls it my old man tone.”

 

“They’re both wrong.  It’s your ‘I’m getting my way and I don’t care what you say’ tone.  I’m a fucking mess.   You sure you don’t need a break?”

 

“I don’t need a break.  I do need breakfast though so I’m going to go fix us something.  Do you want to come with me?”

 

“I’m gonna hop in the shower.  Come take one with me we can have breakfast after.”  Steve just smiles at him and pushes him out of bed.

 

They shower and then Bucky makes Steve chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast.  Steve watches him move around the kitchen and thinks that maybe he’s starting to settle a bit.  They have breakfast on the couch, eating off each other’s plates.  Steve takes them and rinses them in the sink before going back to the couch to find Bucky sound asleep holding Steve’s sweatshirt.

 

Bucky wakes up a little and smiles sleepily at Steve, who gulps slightly.  He’s suddenly filled with want.  Bucky just looks so inviting, he guesses is the word he would use.  He goes and brushes the hair out of Bucky’s eyes and kisses him softly.

 

“You all right, punk?”

 

“Fine.  You go back to sleep I’m going to go do dishes and clean up a bit.”  Steve stutters out.

 

“Steve, what’s wrong?”  Bucky asks suddenly on alert.  The blanket shifts and Steve gulps again.

 

“I’m fine.  Really.   You get some sleep.”  Steve says then races into the kitchen.  He’s not surprised when Bucky follows

 

“For someone who claims they’re fine, you sure aren’t acting like it.”  Bucky says leaning against the door jamb.  Steve whips back to face the sink and takes a few deep breaths.

 

“Iwantyoureallybadrightnow.”  Steve says quietly in a rush.  Any hope he has that Bucky hasn’t heard is destroyed when Bucky barks out a laugh.

 

“Steve, breathe.  It’s okay.  I’m not going to freak out because you’re turned on.  I’m not going to freak out because you tell me you want me.”

 

“But….”  Any other protest Steve might have is swallowed in the moan he lets out when Bucky presses himself against him from behind and grinds against him.

 

“Buck.  Don’t… you don’t have to… I can just…..”  Bucky turns him around and kisses him.

 

“I know I don’t have to.  But I had another one of ‘those’ dreams.  And well let’s just say if you promise to go really slow and be really gentle and stop if I ask you to.  I’d be willing to try.”

 

“Buck.”  Steve says quietly, turning around to cup his cheek and kiss him.

 

“I want you too, ya know.  And I think it might help.  And I’m not just saying that because I want to get some sex.  I really do think it would help.”  Bucky says looking Steve in the eye making sure he knows this is what Bucky wants.

 

“On one condition, no two.  One you tell me about the dream.  And two you **_promise_** me that you’ll tell me to stop, or you’ll stop it, if it gets to be too much.”  Bucky nods and kisses him again.

 

Steve leads him into the bedroom and they get each other naked.  If Steve’s completely honest he’s not sure this is the best idea, but because it’s what Bucky wants he’s willing to go with it.  He lets Bucky set the pace.  It’s a little more frantic than Steve expects but then Bucky kisses a spot that makes him forget everything but what Bucky’s doing.  Bucky stops and pulls away and shakes his head.

 

“I…. Steve.”  Bucky says curling in on himself.

 

“It’s okay.  You’re okay you’re safe.  I’m right here.  Bucky no.  Buck, stay with me.  Handsome, please.  Stay with me.”  Bucky’s gone though, Steve knows.

 

He holds him lightly and strokes his fingers through his hair.  He tells him he’s loved and safe.  He tells him he’s got him.  Bucky pulls away and curls even more in on himself.  Steve curses himself for all of it.  He should have gone for a run.  Should have told Bucky he needed some air.  Before he can beat himself up anymore Bucky is curling back in.

 

“Did I hurt you?  Physically I mean.”  Bucky asks, looking up.  Steve shakes his head.

 

“I’m gonna go sit outside.  You can leave while I’m out there.  Pack a bag or three if you want.”  Bucky says getting up and going out onto the fire escape.  Steve’s about to mention pants when Bucky grabs sweats and puts them on. 

 

Steve gives him long enough to settle out on the fire escape then he gets out of bed and opens a drawer and grabs a t-shirt and pair of sweats for himself.  Then he goes onto the fire escape and sits on the opposite railing mimicking Bucky’s stance.

 

“You stayed.”  Bucky says surprised.

 

“Course I did, jerk.  I told you I’m not gonna leave you.  C’mere, please.  If you want.  I mean if you don’t that’s okay.  Oh hi.”  Steve says when Bucky barrels into him.

 

“I really did try I swear.  I just…. Come on I don’t want to talk about this out here.  Let’s go inside.”

 

They go inside and Bucky starts to pace the living room.  Steve sits on the arm of the couch and waits it out.  At least this he can help with.  Bucky goes to the arm of the couch and leans so his head is on Steve’s shoulder, then wraps himself around him.

 

“You called me handsome.”

 

“I did.  It just came out.”

 

“I liked it.  Steve I’m such a mess.  Every time I think I’m getting back to my version of okay it goes away.”

 

“You’ll get there.”

 

“But… are you gonna be there when I do?  I told Abbi I was afraid it was going to take another seventy years.”

 

“Then I wait.  Buck, I’m not just saying this.  I mean it.  I mean every word.  I mean it every time I say it.  I **_will_** wait for you.  I **_will_** take whatever you can give me.  What I **_can’t_** do is leave.  I **_can’t_** be without you.  I **_can’t_** know you’re here suffering and be in Manhattan with Tony and the gang.  I **_can’t_**.  So don’t ask me to leave.”  Steve finishes quietly then looks away.

 

“I’m sorry.”  Bucky says turning Steve back to face him.  He kisses him softly.

 

“I love you.”  Bucky says as he pulls away.

 

“I love you too.  Now what would my guy like to do with the rest of the day?”

 

“I feel like we should go outside.  Get out into what’s left of the summer.  But I don’t know how far I can go.”

 

“Walk around the neighborhood?”  Steve asks.

 

“Picnic in the park?  Our spot if it’s free?”

 

“Sounds perfect.  I’ll get the blanket you throw stuff together for lunch?”

 

“Yeah.”  Bucky says but he doesn’t really move.

 

“Buck?”

 

“I love you, you know.  What’s going on in my head it’s not because I….”  Steve kisses him again.

 

“I know.  Now come on.  We’re gonna go have a quiet day in the park.”

 


	53. Chapter Fifty Three

A quiet day in the park turns into Bucky tossing a football around with a bunch of college guys who needed one more guy to complete the circle.  Steve laughs when all of their girlfriends invade the spot he and Bucky have picked out.  One of the girls makes a comment about the fact that Bucky’s got a nice ass and then the other girls giggle when Steve nods vigorously in agreement.  A few of the girls ask him if Bucky was always into sports before.  Steve explains that he’d go to the baseball games but that football wasn’t really Bucky’s thing, which is why he’s so surprised he’s as good as he is.  The boys break for food and come over and collapse down next to their girls with their heads in their laps.  Bucky mirrors their position with Steve.  When the kids make a move to go back to where they were originally Bucky insists they stay put. 

 

They spend lunch talking with the kids and learn it’s the last day before classes start at Brooklyn College.  Steve talks animatedly with one of the boys who’s an art major.   Bucky watches and smiles widely.  He reaches over and takes Steve’s hand in his and just holds it.  He talks to a couple of the girls.  They aww when Steve rests his head on Bucky’s shoulder.  One of them grabs their phone and snaps a picture of the two.  Then she grabs Steve’s off his knee, gets him to unlock it, then finds his number, and sends it to him.  When she hands it back to him the picture is the background for his lock screen.  The smile he gives her, Bucky is sure, could light up the whole neighborhood during a blackout.

 

The kids make their goodbyes a little while later.  By now Bucky has his head resting in Steve’s lap and Steve’s phone is full of pictures of the two of them.  Bucky doesn’t think Steve’s been happier.  He leans up for a kiss, Steve leans down and they meet in the middle; Bucky cupping the back of Steve’s neck to deepen it.  Steve pulls away and beams.  He runs his fingers through Bucky’s bangs and Bucky starts to doze off.  Steve lets him sleep for a bit, content to just **_be_** with him.

 

Bucky wakes with a bit of a start.  He lets out a calming breath when he realizes where he is.  He smiles up at Steve and then shifts so Steve can move his legs a bit.  He tries to apologize but Steve refuses to let him.  They clean up the picnic then walk home hand in hand.  They get to their block to find Tyrone trying to teach Melissa how to ride a bike.  She insists that Tyrone let her bike down to Bucky by herself.  Steve offers to come up and go along side of her, but she stubbornly tells him she can do it.

 

“Gee, where have I heard talk like that before, punk?”  Bucky asks playfully.  Steve sticks his tongue out then goes and stands by Bucky. Bucky takes his hand and holds it.

 

Melissa makes it to them and jumps off her bike and jumps around happily.  Tyrone just shakes his head.  He tries to apologize for keeping them, but they won’t hear of it.  They make their goodbyes and head upstairs. 

 

Once everything is put away Bucky drags Steve into the bedroom and kisses him senseless. He then goes into the bathroom and draws a bath.  Steve arches a brow at him, Bucky pecks him on the lips then makes him get into the tub.  Bucky gets in behind him and then pulls Steve to him so he’s leaning against him.

 

“Not that I mind, but what’s going on?”

 

“Nothing.  Just wanted to take a bath.”  Bucky says, hoping Steve will believe him.

 

“You’re up to something, James Buchanan Barnes, but because today has been so wonderful I’m willing to just go with it.”  Bucky hides his sigh of relief in a gentle kiss to the back of Steve’s neck.

 

Bucky knows he could ask for what he wants.  But he also thinks that might be part of the problem.  The fact that it doesn’t feel natural between the two of them.  It’s something he gave a lot of thought while he was lounging on Steve in the park earlier.  So he’s going to try just going with the flow of the night.  And he really did want to take a bath. 

 

They stay in the bath until they’re both starting to prune and the water’s getting to be lukewarm.    Bucky gets out first then lets Steve get out.  He kisses him and leads Steve into the bedroom and makes him lie down on his stomach.

 

“Now, I know you’re up to something.  You know you….  Okay well you don’t have to but I don’t think I’m going to be saying…. _Bucky_ …..”  Steve starts before ending with a moan of his name.  Bucky chuckles as he continues to work the kinks out of Steve’s back.

 

Steve’s a ball of goo by the time Bucky stops.  He doesn’t know which end is up and the only thing he can think is Bucky, Bucky, and Bucky over and over.  He feels amazing.  He’s also really turned on and when Bucky replaces his hands with his lips Steve is sure he’s going to die.  When Bucky rims him Steve moans loudly into the pillow.  He knows it was low and throaty but what Bucky’s doing is driving him mad.    He wants to ask for more, but he also doesn’t because he wants to see what Bucky has planned.  His last coherent thought is that he wants that more than he wants to ask for anything.  His hips move on their own closer to Bucky.

 

“Stevie, what is it?  What do you want?”  Bucky asks kissing his way back up Steve’s body.

 

Steve moans.  He’s not even sure if it’s words but soon he hears the drawer open and the unmistakable sound of the lube being opened.  Then Bucky’s putting a finger inside.  He keens and bites the pillow in an attempt to stay quiet and let Bucky set the pace.  Bucky doesn’t wait long to add another one.  Then Bucky’s reaching around with his left hand wrapping it around Steve.  Steve practically howls into the pillow.  Bucky kisses the back of his neck and adds a third finger.  Steve comes moaning his name.  He slumps into the bed and curls around Bucky’s pillow.  He’s sated and happy when he realizes Bucky’s still hard. 

 

“Buck?”  Steve all but slurs out, he’s still so blissed out.  Bucky kisses him and whispers to him to sleep. 

 

Bucky goes into the bathroom and showers.  He tries not to get upset with himself that he couldn’t make love to Steve.  He figures what he did tonight was progress and he needs to focus on that.  He needs to focus on the fact that being intimate with Steve didn’t send him into a panic attack.  He needs to focus on the fact that he made Steve feel good.  He wraps his left hand around himself and comes thinking of himself wrapped up in Steve, both of them a blissed out mess.  Again, he guesses he should call that progress.  He dries off and goes back into the bedroom.  Steve’s curled around his pillow with that blissed out look on his face.

 

Steve tries to stay awake but can’t.  He wakes slightly half an hour later when Bucky gets into bed.  He kisses Bucky’s chest then is back to sleep.  He wakes up again with a start.  Bucky’s sleeping soundly next to him.  He brushes his fingers through Bucky’s hair and tries to relax.

 

“Stevie, what’s wrong?”  Bucky asks sleepily.

 

“Nightmare.  I’ll be fine.  Go back to sleep, Buck.”

 

“C’mere.”  Bucky says shifting on his back.  Steve curls up on top of him.

 

“Steve, what is it, you’re shaking.” 

 

“I… I should have… you fell I should have…”  Bucky holds him tighter not sure what brought this on.

 

“Sh, I’ve got you.  I’m right here.  I love you.”  Bucky says kissing anywhere he can get his lips.

 

Bucky starts to croon _Someone to Watch Over Me_ in his ear and Steve falls into a fitful sleep.  He wakes again a few hours later to find Bucky still awake and crooning.  He leans up for a kiss and then gets out of bed. Bucky follows him onto the fire escape, but not before grabbing the throw off the back of the couch.  It’s suddenly gotten cool and Bucky doesn’t want Steve to get cold. 

 

They sit on the fire escape wrapped in the throw and just let themselves enjoy the fact they can do this.  Steve snuggles in and kisses Bucky’s shoulder at one point.  Bucky kisses the top of his head.  Steve falls back to sleep wrapped in Bucky’s arms.  When he wakes again the sun is starting to come up. 

 

“Buck, you want to go back inside?”  Steve asks quietly when he realizes Bucky’s not asleep.

 

“Yeah, come on.  You go back to bed I’ll get us breakfast.”

“Come with me.  Don’t….  I just.” 

 

“Steve, what is it?”  Bucky asks pulling him inside then into his arms.

 

“Nightmare is all.  I’m fine.  Go do what you were gonna do.”

 

“C’mere punk.”  Bucky says pulling him into a fierce hug.  Steve melts into him.

 

 

“You’re supposed to be focusing on you.  Not me.”  Steve says into Bucky’s chest.

 

Bucky tips his chin up and kisses him.  Then leads him over to the bed. They trade lazy kisses until Steve’s squirming a bit to get away.  Bucky stops and arches a brow.  Steve is blushing and Bucky thinks it’s worse than he used to be when they first started fooling around. It does more to settle Bucky’s frazzled mind than it probably should.

 

“What’s the matter punk, don’t like my kisses?  You weren’t complaining earlier.”

 

“Tickles Buck.”  Steve says shyly.

 

“You want me to go shave?”  Bucky asks moving to get out of bed.  Steve pulls him back into the bed so hard he bounces a little.

 

“No!  I wasn’t complaining.  Ireallylikeit.”  He finishes in a rush.  Bucky chuckles and kisses him again.

 

“Get some sleep, punk.”

 

“Nah.  You should though.  You’ve been up all night with me.  I’m okay now.”  Steve says running his fingers through Bucky’s hair.  Bucky holds him a little tighter.

 

Bucky wakes to Steve getting out of bed.  He pulls him back in and cuddles up next to him, dropping a kiss on his shoulder before resting his head on it.  Steve lets him and puts his arms on top of Bucky’s waist.  He kisses Bucky’s left hand and settles a bit more.

 

“Steve, you okay?”

 

“Fine.”  Steve says, but Bucky knows he’s not.  He gives Steve a slight squeeze.

 

“Was it the fall?”  Bucky asks quietly.  Steve shakes his head.

 

“You want to talk about it?”

 

“I’m…”  Bucky tips his head up a bit and kisses him before he can complete his thought.

 

“You’re not fine.  You’re upset.  Now wasn’t it you who was telling me this is what we do for each other.  Let me be the strong one again for a bit.”

 

“But.”  Bucky kisses him again.

 

“Let me get out of my own head for a bit, would you?  Now what was it about?”  Bucky asks gently.

 

Steve snuggles in and mumbles his response into Bucky’s chest hoping Bucky won’t hear him.  Bucky tips his chin up then kisses him softly as he shifts them so he can hold Steve.  He kisses him again and tells him he loves him.  Steve snuggles in more

 

“Not gonna happen.  I’m always going to come back to you.  Always.  I mean I’m here now and that’s with HYDRA brainwashing me for seventy years.  Listen to me, I know you tried to catch me.  I know you would have looked for me.  I know you didn’t want to even fight me at all on helicarrier but you had a job to do.  Steve, I know you would have done whatever you could to spare me all of this.  I don’t blame you, despite what some of my outbursts have been about.  And I’m never going to just up and leave you.  I’m never going to go so far into my head that you can’t reach me.  Everyone else maybe, but you’ll always be able to.” Bucky finishes by lifting Steve’s chin up and kissing him.

 

“Buck.”  Steve says around the lump in his throat.

 

“Always gonna come back.  I promise you.”  Steve kisses him then.

 

Steve snuggles in and wraps himself around Bucky.  Bucky chuckles as he does.  Bucky falls asleep once he hears Steve’s breathing even out.  Steve wakes to Bucky kissing the top of his head.  He tips his head up for a real kiss.  They end up trading lazy kisses until Bucky pulls away and then pecks his lips.

 

“I love you.”  Steve says quietly.

 

“Love you too.  Now stay here.”  Bucky demands, but it’s light and playful.  Steve does as he’s told with a smile.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed. I'm currently writing a Christmas fic in this verse so be on the lookout for it.


	54. Chapter Fifty Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. Holidays were crazy. Work was crazy. I lost the mojo for a bit. Got it back though. 
> 
> A big thank you to Shieldingwinter for her beta work.
> 
> See the end notes for the definition of the pet name Bucky uses.

Bucky knows something’s still off with Steve.  He wants to call him on it, but doesn’t.  Instead he pecks him on the lips and gets out of bed to go make them something to eat.  He’s about to bring it into the bedroom when he feels Steve wrap his arms around him from behind, dropping a kiss onto each of his shoulders.  He leans into the embrace and kisses Steve’s hand.

 

“Sorry about last night.” Steve says dropping a kiss onto the back of Bucky’s neck.  Bucky turns around at the sound of Steve’s voice, which he’s already decided he hates.

 

“Stevie, no.  Don’t apologize.  I’m doing a lot better than I was.  I think we’re through the worst of it.  I can be...  Look just don’t apologize.”  Bucky says kissing him until he’s smiling like an idiot.

 

“Buck.”  Steve says breathlessly, surging forward to kiss him.

 

He goes with it.  Let’s Steve nip at his bottom lip.  Let’s Steve steer them towards another room, breakfast forgotten.  It isn’t until they’re on the couch, with Steve over him that the panic starts to build.  He stamps it down though.  He needs to.  He wants Steve so badly right now that he doesn’t _want_ to make him stop.  He shifts under Steve trying to get more friction.  Steve stops and gazes lovingly down at him blushing, the apology on the tip of his tongue, Bucky knows.  Not wanting to hear it Bucky kisses him.  Steve shifts this time and Bucky throws his head back and moans.  Steve cups him through his pants and Bucky starts begging for more.  He’d be embarrassed but it feels too good for him to really care.  Steve kisses him softly and the wave of panic suddenly stops.    He kisses Steve again while Steve shifts.  Bucky comes moaning Steve’s name.

 

“Shit.  Sorry.”  Bucky says quietly.  Steve kisses him again and walks his fingers up Bucky’s left arm.

 

“Sh.  It’s all right.  Why don’t you go shower and change?  I’ll take care of breakfast.”

 

“Can we just stay here for a second?”

 

“Sure.   You okay?”

 

“Perfect.  Love you, punk.”  Bucky says beaming at him.

 

He’s not sure why but suddenly he feels safer than he has in days.  He knows it’s come out of nowhere but he’s decided he’s going to with it.  Steve’s holding him and he feels safe and loved and happy.  He snuggles into Steve more and kisses his shoulder laughing happily to himself as he does so.

 

“What brought this on?  I mean you just seem better.  I’m not complaining.  I just…..”  Bucky quiets him with a kiss.

 

“I don’t know.  I’m just going to go with it.  So I have a suggestion.  We hop in the shower together and then go to the diner for breakfast.”

 

“You askin’ me on a date, jerk?”

 

“I am.  So what ya say?”

 

“I say my hot boyfriend has amazing ideas.”  Steve says throwing his head back with a laugh at the look on Bucky’s face, which can only be described as pure joy.

 

 “I love you.”  Bucky says kissing him again as he pulls him up.

 

They reach the diner and grab a table at the back.  To Steve’s surprise Bucky sits with his back to the door.  They put their plates in the middle of the table and eat off of each other’s.  Steve rests his chin on his hands and just stares at Bucky at one point.  When Bucky catches him and arches his brow Steve blushes and takes his left hand in his.

 

“Whatcha starin’ at, punk?”  Bucky asks, grinning.

 

“Nothing.”  Steve says beaming.

 

“Uh huh.  So I was thinking, we should invite some of our neighbors over for dinner.  Abbi said Mark and Greg want to hang out.  I was thinking we invite them and Abbi and Jaime.  Nothing major just a small dinner.  I’ll cook.  What do you think?”

 

“If that’s what you want to do then I’m all for it.”

 

“I think it is, yeah.  I’ll talk to Abbi have her set it up.  And I think we should do pizza some night with Jaime and her friends.  They’ve been really great.”

 

“We can, sure.”  Steve says, and there must be a tone in his voice because Bucky gets a look on his face.

 

“I know what you’re going to say.  I’m pushing myself.  But I haven’t felt this calm in weeks.  I’m opting to go with it.

 

“I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to….”  Bucky holds up his hand to quiet him.

 

“I get it.  I do.  But something happened this morning and it was like the cloud that’s been over my head for weeks disappeared and the sun finally came through again.  And I feel comfortable around Jaime’s friends.  And the few times I’ve talked with Mark and Greg they seem really nice.  Steve, I just want my life back.  And hey, this is baby steps.  This is me trying to get back to what I had before everything went to hell.  I promise if I start to feel overwhelmed I’ll take a step back.”

 

“All right.  Let’s do it.  When were you thinking?”

 

“Tomorrow if Mark and Greg are free.”

 

“Okay.”  Steve says paying for the check. 

 

“I could’ve paid you know.  I did ask you to breakfast.”  Bucky says as they head out hand in hand.

 

“I wanted to.”  Steve says as he loops his arm through Bucky’s. 

 

“So where to now, handsome?”  Steve asks, he’s still beaming and Bucky thinks it’s the best thing in the whole damn world.

 

“Coney Island.  Unless you wanted to do… Steve.”  Bucky finishes breathlessly.

 

Just as Steve’s about to lead them to the subway large rain drops start falling.  Bucky grabs Steve’s hand and runs towards the apartment.  Thunder booms and Steve can’t help but laugh happily.  They get to the sidewalk in front of the building and Steve stops Bucky so he can kiss him.  They stand in the middle of the sidewalk and kiss for what seems like hours.  Bucky jumps slightly at the loud crash of thunder, which makes Steve just hold him a little tighter while still kissing him.

 

“You do know it’s pouring right?”  Jaime asks as she passes them to go inside.

 

“Sush, Jaime, I think it’s cute.  I mean can you imagine how many times Cap probably wanted to do that back in the day and couldn’t?”  one of her friends says.

 

“Yes because catching pneumonia while playing tonsil hockey with  your man is oh so cute and romantic, Maggie.”  Vicki says sarcastically as she passes by. 

 

Steve’s hiding in Bucky’s neck now trying to hide the fact that he’s blushing.  _Am I really that transparent, he wonders?_ Bucky kisses his temple and takes his hand to lead him inside.  They end up sharing the elevator and Steve snuggles into Bucky’s side.

 

“At least let us get off the elevator before you two decide….”  Jaime reaches over and clamps a hand over Vicki’s mouth.

 

“Ignore her.  Please oh please ignore her.”

 

“And to think we were going to invite you all for pizza on Saturday.”  Bucky says as they step off the elevator.  And Elizabeth too.  But now, well, I don’t know… Steve what do you think?”

 

Steve just beams behind Bucky and Vicki doubles over laughing.  Maggie and Jaime join in once Bucky turns to glare at him.  Then Bucky shakes his head and rolls his eyes as he opens their door.  He pulls Steve in and shuts the door before backing him up against it and picking up where they left off outside.

 

“Bucky.”  Steve moans out, not able to believe how wrecked he sounds to his own ears.

 

“Up.”  Bucky says, lifting Steve who wraps his legs around him and then kisses him hungrily.

 

He shifts so he’s got Steve’s weight more evenly distributed, but doesn’t break the kiss.  He gets them into the bed room and gets Steve’s wet t-shirt over his head and onto the floor only pausing slightly to break the kiss. Steve rids Bucky of his and then they fall onto the bed.  Steve immediately reaches for Bucky’s belt and then stops to look up for permission, sheepishly.  Bucky cups the back of his neck and kisses him softly, nodding slightly.  Once Bucky’s naked Steve moans and cups him running his thumb over the tip. The moan Bucky makes sends a shiver through Steve.

 

“Stevie, more.”  Bucky says, sounding wrecked.

 

“What do you want?”  Steve asks, and he doesn’t mean for it to come out husky, yet it does and he realizes he wants this  as  much as Bucky does if not more.

 

“I don’t… just more.”  Steve nods and takes Bucky into his hand.  He runs his hand up and down Bucky’s length slowly.  He leans down and kisses him softly before kissing down his body.  By the time he reaches Bucky’s hip, Bucky is nothing but a ball of goo.

 

Steve kisses the tip before taking Bucky slowly into his mouth.  Steve’s painfully hard and if he’s honest all he wants is a little relief, but then he feels like he’s being a bit selfish.  He takes his hand off Bucky and bobs his head down while reaching into the drawer to get the lube.  He opens the bottle and Bucky tenses.   Steve looks up and hates what he sees.  He pulls off and goes up to kiss Bucky.

 

“It’s okay.  We don’t have to.  You’re safe.  I’ve got you.”

 

“I…. I…. just…. Go…. Steve.”  Bucky says then he comes all over his stomach. 

 

“Shit.  Sorry.  Come here I’ll…..”  Steve kisses him.

 

“It’s all right really.  I’ll be right back, handsome.”  Steve says kissing him.

 

Steve comes out of the bathroom to find Bucky curled around his pillow.  He’s not asleep and he looks like he wants to punch something.  Steve goes to him and cleans him up and then tosses the cloth into the pile of their wet clothes.  He takes Bucky into his arms and holds him.  He kisses the back of his neck and Bucky turns and curls into him.

 

“I…”  Steve tips his chin up and kisses him.

 

“Don’t apologize.  It’s all right.  Baby steps, remember.”  Bucky surges up and kisses him.

 

“I love you.  I want you, you know that right?”  Bucky says when he pulls away.

 

“I know.”  Steve says shifting slightly.

 

“Steve.”  Bucky says, cupping him.

 

“Buck.  I can just… I’ll…. Bucky.” Steve says spilling all over Bucky’s left hand.

 

“You don’t play fair.”  Steve says cuddling in.

 

“I thought I could.  I thought I could and then I just couldn’t.”  Bucky says angrily.  Steve figures it’s something that he’s not having a panic attack. 

 

“Can I point something out?”  Bucky nods and Steve continues.

 

“You let me touch you.  You didn’t tense up till it got to be too much. That’s…..”  Bucky kisses him and chuckles into it at the fact that Steve can’t seem to form a sentence at the moment.

 

“I know.  I just I want you so bad.  I want to be able to have you make love to me and not freak out.  I know you’re not gonna hurt me.”

 

“I have a suggestion.  And it’s probably going to get you to call me ridiculous but I don’t care.”

 

“Oh now, you’ve got my attention.”

 

“Leave the bottle open.  I mean it shouldn’t….” Bucky is laughing so hard Steve doesn’t bother continuing.  He pokes Bucky in the side and it turns into a tickle fight which then turns into a pillow fight.

 

The fight ends with Steve straddling a hardening Bucky.  Bucky leans up and cups the back of Steve’s head and kisses him messily.  Steve moans into it.  Bucky reaches over and hands Steve the bottle of lube.  Steve moans again.

 

“Like the morning after the expo, Stevie.”

 

“Buck… are you sure?  We don’t have to.  It’s…..”  Bucky kisses him.

 

“I’m sure.  Just let me set the pace.”  Steve nods and preps himself.  The sound Bucky makes goes straight to Steve’s cock.  He moans and Bucky runs his left hand up Steve’s length.

 

“Buck.  You ready?”

 

“Condom, unless you…. Stevie.  Oh God.  Feels so good.”  Bucky says as Steve shifts down onto him.

 

“You okay?”  Steve asks at the look on Bucky’s face.

 

“I… I think so.  Just slow.  Like snail pace slow.”

 

“I can do that.  Oh God Buck, you’re so… big.”

 

“You keep talkin’ like that punk this is gonna be over real quick.  Wait, you did that… is that why you think it was a disaster…. Okay move like that again.  Steve…. More.”  Bucky says and Steve can tell how close he is.

 

Bucky comes with a long drawn out moan.  Steve isn’t sure how, but he’s coming with him.  He hadn’t even realized Bucky had been running his left hand over him, he’d been concentrating so hard on making Bucky feel good.  He collapses next to Bucky and reaches around for the cloth, cursing silently when he realizes it’s on the other side of the room.

 

“Shower.”  Bucky says getting up and pulling him up with him.

They shower together and then Bucky changes the bed and throws laundry in downstairs while Steve makes them something for lunch.  When Bucky comes back upstairs he wraps his arms around Steve from behind.

 

“Hi.”  Steve says turning and kissing him.

 

“Mmm.  Hi.”  Bucky says and Steve has to fight to keep his emotions in check.  He can’t explain the look that’s on Bucky’s face but it makes him want to cry happy tears.  He tries to hide himself in Bucky’s neck.

 

“Stevie, what’s wrong?”  Bucky asks lifting his head up.

 

“You have to promise to not get angry.  And I want you to know I love all of you.  I don’t want… I didn’t want… this was never about…..”  Bucky kisses him.

 

“I have a look on my face like I used to get from before the war?”  Bucky asks.  Steve nods.

 

“There’s a mirror down in the laundry room, not that I get why.  But it was there, and I noticed it too.  And you feel like I’m finally home?”  Steve nods again then tries to get out of Bucky’s arms.

 

“Hey, no.  Steve it’s okay.  I know this hasn’t been easy for you.  And if I’m bein’ completely honest I kinda feel the same way.  So don’t feel bad.  I know you’d still be here if I was gettin’ angry every five seconds or panicking over the littlest thing.”  Bucky finishes kissing him.

 

“I would be.”  Steve says kissing him.

 

“So it’s a rainy day.  You know what that means?”

 

“No, I have no idea, Buck.  What on earth could that mean?”  Steve says beaming.

 

“I um…. I read at one end of the couch… you sketch me?”  Bucky says.  Steve kisses him hard nodding.

 

“Oh and there has to be hot chocolate.”  Bucky says when they part.

 

“PB&J for lunch Steven?  Really?”  Bucky says teasing him as he eats half of his in one bite. 

 

“Just get started on the hot chocolate, jerk.”

 

“You always this bossy?  No wonder they made you a Captain.”  Bucky teases.  Steve is so happy he wants to go jump through puddles.

 

“I know that look, Rogers, and while you may not have asthma anymore, I would still bet you could get pneumonia.  So the answer is no we are not going outside to jump in puddles and dance in the rain.  I don’t care how warm you think it is.  It’s not happening.”  Steve sticks his tongue out at Bucky then goes to grab his supplies.

 

They settle in and Bucky, like always, is restless after about ten minutes.  Steve chuckles softly and reaches over and takes Bucky’s hand in his, setting the sketchbook aside.  He opens his arms and Bucky cuddles into him immediately.  They lay in silence, just the sound of Bucky making patterns on his chest with his left hand in the room for a bit until Bucky speaks.

 

“This used to happen.  I could never sit still long enough for you to get a full portrait done.  You’d go and finish later while I was asleep.  But you never seemed to mind.  Never said a word about how ya wished I could just sit for more than ten minutes.”  Steve doesn’t say anything.  He can’t because he’s silently crying.

 

“Stevie, oh Stevie.  No, snuggle pup don’t.”  Bucky says shifting them so he can hold Steve.

 

“Buck.”  Steve says wrapping himself around him.  He can’t help the fact that he’s crying harder.

 

“Right here.”  Bucky says kissing the top of his head.

 

Steve falls asleep curled into Bucky.  Bucky stays awake and runs his hands through Steve’s hair, as well as over his back.  He’s not sure what he’s done to bring this on but he doesn’t think it’s a bad thing.  He lets Steve sleep and watches the rain fall for a bit.  Then he reaches for his phone and texts Jaime so she can have Abbi set things up with Mark and Greg.  That done he lets himself nap.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Snuggle pup – teenager term for a sweetheart who likes to cuddle
> 
> I used it because in my head he's called Steve that for a really long time.


	55. Chapter Fifty Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Shieldingwinter for her beta work.

Steve wakes with a crick in his neck and a bit of a stuffed up nose.  Bucky’s got his head resting against the back of the couch in what looks like a really uncomfortable position.  He reaches up and runs his fingers through Bucky’s bangs and then kisses him softly.

 

“Hi.”  Steve says quietly, and to Bucky he sounds a bit nervous.

 

“You okay?”  Bucky asks, kissing him softly.

 

“I… Fine.  I’m fine.  I’m gonna go….”  Bucky stops him from getting up and turns him to face him.

 

“You’re allowed to be happy I’m back to some semblance of my old self you know.  I’m not going to be mad.”  Bucky says kissing him.  Steve melts into it.

 

Steve gets up and starts to pace.  He doesn’t want to upset Bucky and he’s not even sure how to explain how he’s feeling if he’s honest with himself.  Bucky goes and gets in front of him.  He leads him into the bedroom and makes him lay down.  It reminds Steve of when he’d be angry because Bucky had broken up a fight.

 

“Talk to me, punk.  What’s going on in that head of yours?  You were cryin’ earlier.”

 

“I’m just really happy.  Then I got to thinkin’ you’d think this was what I wanted all along.  I swear to you it’s not.  I meant it every time I said I’d take whatever I could have.”

 

“I know you did. I know you do.  Love you.”

 

“Love you too.  Can we just stay here for the rest of the day?  I don’t want to move.”

 

“Anything you want.”  Bucky says kissing him till he’s smiling again.

 

Steve snuggles in more and then chuckles softly to himself.  He wants to ask Bucky if he even realizes what he said when they were on the couch, but he doesn’t want to ruin the mood. Bucky kisses the top of his head a couple of times.

 

“Steve, you’re doing that thinking loudly thing again.  Just ask what you want to.”

 

“Do you… did you… you called me…?” Steve can’t get the word out without wanting to cry again. 

 

“Steve, wait I thought you liked it when I called you snuggle pup.  I mean in my head you always lit up like a Christmas tree.  Do I have it…?”  Steve surges up and kisses him. Catching him off guard for all a second.

 

“You do remember.  It’s not just the… you remember.” 

 

“You’re starting to worry me, pal.”

 

“I didn’t want to say anything.  I mean punk was enough.  You’d call me punk and you didn’t have to tell me you loved me.  I knew.  I never thought it was like I meant until after the expo, but it was still enough knowing you loved me on some level.  But I used to worry you hated me having to cuddle with you at night to stay warm.  You’d say you didn’t but I…. well... you were you and as it was I never understood why you wanted to hang out with me anyway.  What?”  Steve says pausing at the look on Bucky’s face

 

“You are the biggest idiot on the planet.  You know that?”  Bucky says shaking his head.

 

“What?  I was skinny and sick all the time.  Girls turned up their noses at me.  Why would I think a guy as wonder…...?”  Bucky kisses him hard and shifts them so he’s lying on top of Steve with Steve’s arms pinned above his head.  Steve lets out a small squeak, which quickly turns into a moan.

 

“Those girls were idiots who couldn’t see past the end of their noses.”  Bucky says kissing down his body.  Bucky is surprised to finds himself cursing that the serum gave Steve his new body.  He’s even more surprised when he realizes he’s always felt this way.

 

“Buck.”  Steve moans out when Bucky hits a sensitive spot.

 

“You just lie still.”  Bucky says continuing his slow torture. 

 

“Oh God.”  Steve says.  It earns a chuckle into his skin that makes him buck his hips.

 

“Now as I was saying, those girls were idiots.  You always were the most perfect guy on the planet.  Gorgeous and a heart of gold.” Steve keens at the compliment and jerks his hips the second Bucky touches him.

 

“I know I keep telling you we go at your pace but Bucky if you don’t speed things up I think I might die here.”  Steve says breathlessly.

 

“Perfect.  I suppose I should be thanking all the girls here in the neighborhood, none of them snatched you away from me.  Though I’m not entirely sure they could have anyway.”  Bucky says continuing as if Steve hasn’t said a word.  He finishes his thought and takes Steve into his mouth. 

 

He looks up watching Steve fight to stay in control.  He ignores it when Steve tugs on his hair.  He doesn’t pull off until Steve’s melting into the mattress.  Then he comes up the bed and kisses Steve’s temple before continuing with his thought.

 

“I think that’s why I was so hurt that night at the bar with Peggy.  I’d been through hell and I knew the second I saw the way she looked at you, she was gonna take you from me.  It wasn’t gonna be the same.  And that night I needed it to be the same.  I needed you to myself.  I needed to know it was always gonna be you and me against the world.  God I could be a real selfish bastard.”  Steve kisses him.

 

“You?  Never.  And I think that was when Peggy knew.  I really think she figured it out before I did.  I love you.”

 

“Love you too.  You better now?”

 

“Mmm hmm.  I’m going to say this, and you can get mad if you want.  It’s nice to have you back.  More than before I mean.  I mean….”  Bucky kisses him to quiet him.

 

“I get it.  You hungry?” 

 

“A little but I don’t want to move.”

 

“You stay here.  I’ll go make us something up quick.  I’ve got to check my phone anyway.  I asked Jaime to have Abbi set things up.”

 

“All right.  I’ll go hop in the shower.  Meet you back here in ten?”

 

Bucky nods then kisses him before getting out of bed.  He goes and checks his phone to find he not only has a text from Jaime but also three from Tony, two from Natasha and five from Sam.  There are phone messages from Pepper and Tony as well.

 

“Steve, you better get out here.  I think we got trouble.”

 

Steve comes into the living room with a towel wrapped around his waist and his hair dripping wet.  Bucky curses the universe that he can’t just take him back to bed and ravish him, which then sends a shiver through him.  Steve raises a brow and he shakes his head.

 

“Do we read all the texts and listen to the messages or do we just call in?”  Bucky asks.

 

“Call.  I mean it could be nothing.  We haven’t checked in in a couple of days.”  Steve says trying to be optimistic.  Bucky calls and puts it on speaker phone.  JARVIS answers and immediately patches it through to Tony. 

 

“It’s about time you two.  Where the hell have you two been?  Peggy’s starting to worry.”

 

“You told her you couldn’t get in touch with us?”

 

“She figured it out.  She was just worried something had happened.  I’ll call down there and let them know you’re okay.  But call Sam at some point. How is Barnes anyway?”

 

“Right as rain.”  Bucky calls into the speaker.

 

“Who the hell are you?”  Tony jokes.  Steve worries Bucky’s going get upset.

 

“I’m just the guy waitin’ on that flyin’ car your dad promised us.  Now where is it exactly?”  Tony barks out a laugh.

 

“I’ll let everyone know they should just leave you alone.”  Tony says.

 

“Thanks Tony.”  Steve says hanging up.

 

“You all right?”  Steve asks turning to Bucky, noticing the look on his face.

 

“Bed you now.”

 

“Buck?”

 

“I can’t think straight when you’re standing there in a towel.”

 

“Oh.  Right.  Let me go throw something on.”

 

“I like my idea better.”

 

“Call Sam.  I’ll wait for you.”  Steve says, dropping the towel.

 

Bucky texts Sam and says they’re both fine.  That he’ll call later.  Then he throws the phone onto the couch and races into the bedroom.  The sight that greets him makes him instantly hard. Steve’s jerking himself off, his eyes are closed and Bucky gets hit with a memory of coming home from work one night to something just like this.  He decides to have a little fun.

 

“This what you call waitin’ for me, Stevie?”

 

Steve’s response is a loud moan.  Bucky goes to the bed, stripping as he does so and stills Steve’s hand; that gets a low whine out of Steve.  Bucky kisses him as he wraps his left hand around him.  He slides it over Steve achingly slow.  Steve shifts his hips trying to get more friction but Bucky uses his right arm to hold Steve in place.

 

“My pace, remember?  Though if you ask nicely I might be willing to move a little faster.”

 

“Buck….. Kiss me.”  Bucky stops holding him down picks up the pace.  Steve comes with a moan, which Bucky swallows in the kiss.

 

“Stevie, you okay?”  Bucky asks when they part; Steve’s trying to hide in him.

 

“Yeah.  Fine.  Great.”  Steve says curling in on himself.

 

“Punk, what is it?”  Bucky asks, wrapping himself around Steve.

 

“I don’t think I thought about what was going to happen when you got them back.  I mean not really.  I’m not making any sense.  Sorry.”

 

“Listen to me.  Get it out of your head right now that I’m gonna be upset because you’re happy I’m more like my old self than I have been.  I ain’t.  You accepted all the bad that got thrown at us.  You stayed with me when you really shouldn’t have.  When I know, even if they’d never admit it, they all thought you should leave.  You stayed.  You loved me through the dark.  You’re allowed to be glad it’s finally over.  I am. This is me telling you, this means we pick up where we left off all those years ago.  This is me telling you, we put the Winter Soldier as far behind us as we can without forgetting it happened. That’s what I want to do.  I want to pick up where we left off, even if you are three times bigger than you should be, and I’ve got a few more jagged edges.  We pick up where we left off.”

 

“You sure?  I mean…” Steve stops talking and surges up to kiss him.  When they part he’s beaming.

 

“Much better.  Now, I don’t know about you, but I want to spend the day in bed and catch up on movies we missed.”

 

“Sounds perfect.”  Steve says kissing him.

 

They watch movies most of the afternoon.  Later Abbi calls to say everything is set for the next evening and that everyone will be there around four for drinks.  Mark and Greg have promised to provide the alcohol.  Steve tries not to beam at the fact Bucky’s lit up planning the meal.  He fails and Bucky just pecks him playfully on the lips.  Steve makes them dinner that night and while it’s not as spectacular as something Bucky would throw together he’s pleased with it.  Bucky does the dishes and then they curl up on the couch and continue their movie marathon.  They fall asleep on the couch both smiling like idiots.

 

The next morning dawns and Bucky runs to the grocery store while Steve cleans the apartment.  Steve offers to help Bucky cook dinner, but he insists Steve get out of the apartment for a bit.  Steve goes for a run and meets Bruce for lunch.  He gets back at two to find Bucky just getting out of the shower.  His first thought is to drag him to bed; until Bucky reminds him he’s got dinner to finish and Steve has to get ready.

 

“You’re no fun.  No fun at all.”  Steve says sticking his tongue out.

 

“I promise to make it up to you, punk.”  Bucky says pulling him in for a quick kiss.

 

“You better, jerk.”  Steve says as he swats Bucky lightly on the ass, while heading off to get ready. 

 

Abbi and Jaime are the first to arrive.  Abbi’s insisted on bringing desert saying she managed to get some early apples.  Steve sees that she has two pies and she tells him one is all for him.  He can consider it a late birthday present.

 

“Hear that Buck, I don’t have to share this with you.”

 

“Uh huh.”   Bucky says taking the pies and putting them on the counter.

 

“You got everything covered in here?”  Steve asks.

 

“Go play host.  I’ll be out in a sec.”

 

Mark and Greg arrive and bring a bottle of wine.  When Bucky still hasn’t come out of the kitchen Steve ducks in, using the wine as an excuse.  Bucky’s pacing the kitchen muttering to himself.  Steve comes up behind him and stops him.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“I ruined dinner.  Forgot to set the timer.  Wasn’t paying attention.”

 

“Scrap it.  I hear pizza goes well with red wine.  That’s what Pepper always says.”

 

“Steve I ruined….”  Steve kisses him softly.

 

“If you knew how many times I’ve ruined food for a dinner party Mark’s throwing for some gallery folk.” Greg says poking his head in. 

 

“Uh…”  Bucky says lamely.

 

“Abbi was worried.  Asked one of us to make sure everything was all right.  Said if she did it you’d lie to her.  Now where do you keep the take out menus?”  Greg says by explanation.

 

“Top of the fridge in the folder.  Steve, go bring them the wine and glasses.  I’ll be out in a sec.”

 

“You all right?”  Greg asks as he starts dumping things into the trash alongside Bucky.

 

“Yeah.  Great.” 

 

“Secret time.  I hate throwing these things.  I don’t mind doing drinks beforehand and then going to a restaurant, but you make me throw an actual dinner party forget it.  And Mark always forgets and I _have_ to.  Oh shit, rambling sorry.  Nervous thing.  Which I guess is only natural.  I mean I’m having… Abbi said not to….”  Bucky is now laughing so hard both Steve and Mark have poked their heads in to see what’s taking so long and why Bucky is finding it hilarious.

 

“That’s my man, diffusing upsetting situations.”

 

“No I was just my usual idiot self.  Told him how I hate throwing dinner parties then rambled.  We kinda lost track of time.  What did we decide on for dinner?”

 

“You okay, jerk?”  Steve asks taking Bucky’s hand.

 

“Yeah, punk.  Better than.  Thanks.”  Bucky says turning to Greg.

 

“Okay wait, where did Abbi and Jaime go?”  Bucky asks going into the living room.

 

“I was just showing Gram what the girls and I did for you.  We’re still here.  And I ordered the food too.  Should be here in half an hour or so.  We went with Chinese.  Steve ordered for you.”

 

“That’s fine.  I’ll be right back.”  Bucky says going into the bedroom and closing the door.

 

Steve wants to follow.  Thinks maybe he should, but then Bucky comes out with a few of Steve’s sketchbooks and hands them to Mark to look through.  Mark takes them and starts to gingerly flip through them.  Steve looks over at Bucky who’s beaming.

 

“These are amazing.  Charcoal?”  Mark asks showing Steve the page.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“You ever consider doing a show?”

 

“No.  I’m not that good.”

 

“I’m telling you, you are.  But I’m not going to pressure you.  Just think it over.  Though to sweeten the deal I promise to not bring the job into it, shall we say?  I won’t even put your picture on any of the literature for the show.   No one will know it’s Captain America’s artwork.  Unless you want me to of course.”

 

“You’re serious.”  Steve says amazed.  Bucky can see though that he’s already starting to consider it.

 

“Greg and I went to the exhibit right after they opened it.  I took one look at those and knew I wanted to have you do a show.  I’ve been trying to set it up since then.  I keep hitting brick walls.  First it was SHIELD and now it’s Pepper Potts.  Can’t even get a word in.  They hear I saw your artwork at the Smithsonian and I get shot down.  Look, I wasn’t looking at it as a major coup for the gallery.  I talked to Abbi before I even approached anyone about it.  She said that James used to tell you all the time you should try selling your artwork.  Said you always begged off because you’d never finished art school.  You have real talent.  And I’m with James on this one, the world should realize there’s more to you than just your shield.”

 

“You’ve been talking to him.”  Steve says giving Bucky a look.

 

“I have.  Like I said, to me you’re always gonna be that little guy from Brooklyn I want to give the world to.  This is me doin’ that.  Don’t care if it makes me a sap.”

 

“Captain America won’t come into it at all?”

 

“Not unless you want it to.”

 

Before Steve can answer the food arrives.  They table the talk of Steve’s artwork for later.  Steve asks Jaime about her job.  Jaime glares for all of three seconds before going and wrapping her arms around both Steve and Bucky.  She tells them she has an interview with Stark Industries on Monday, and that they’ve agreed to work around her school schedule. 

 

“I really don’t know how to thank you both.”

 

“You didn’t freak out when I came home.  You don’t let me being me affect how you are with me.  It’s been like that from the beginning.  And I know it’s not just because Abbi’s your grandmother.  That right there is thanks enough.”  Bucky says going to give her hand a squeeze with his flesh one.  She’s on his left so the angle is awkward.  She arches a brow at him.

 

“You’re not gonna break my hand, you know.”

 

“Jaime.”  Abbi says.

 

“No, she’s right.  It’s okay.”  Jaime just looks at Steve smiling widely.

 

The conversation flows easily after dinner.  Jaime and Abbi leave before Mark and Greg do.  Greg offers to help Bucky clean up so Steve and Mark can iron out a few more details for the art show.  Bucky nods and they start cleaning everything up. 

 

“So you teach?”

 

 “History courses at the high school.  We don’t have to talk about my job if it’s going to make you uncomfortable.”

 

“What…. I mean it’s bound to come up this year….. History books got it wrong.  Beyond wrong when you think about it.”

 

“We talked about it after the Helicarriers went down and the rumors about you were confirmed.  Well not you… but…”

 

“When the rumors about the Winter Soldier were confirmed and everyone knew how long I’d been around for.”

 

“Yeah.  And then this summer when it came out you were the Winter Soldier a whole bunch of the kids who I had emailed me.  We ended up having a summer class in the park.  They were all outraged that Zola had been able to hide it.  A few of the kids didn’t get why everyone was pissed you’d turned yourself into the Avengers.  So we talked about it.  I’ve been rewriting my lesson plans all summer.  I’d be willing to show them to you.”

 

“You don’t… really?”

 

“Yeah.  I want to make sure the kids get the truth from me.  I don’t want to be giving out false information.  But it’s completely up to you.”

 

“Let me think it over.  But thanks for offering.  Means a lot you’re not…. I don’t know.”

 

“Scared shitless because a super soldier assassin lives two doors away?  Actually makes me feel safer.  Things have come a long way, but there are times I still don’t feel safe around here.”

 

“Do I want to know?”

 

“Let’s just say I’ve heard the stories about Steve before the serum.  You would have had to pull him out of this one.”

 

“You ever wanna tell me I’m willing to listen.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

“Look out Steve, our guys seem to be bonding.”

 

“Wait, shouldn’t we be looking out.  I mean you always did say you had a thing for Captain America.”

 

“I was ten.  Asshole.”  Mark says trying to brush it off.  Bucky throws his head back and laughs as he takes Steve’s hand and pulls him over to his side. He kisses his temple and Steve rests his head on his shoulder. 

 

They all go back into the living room and sit and talk for a while.  Steve’s a bit surprised by how easy the conversation flows.  He’s even more amazed that Bucky’s so open with both of them.  He answers their questions honestly, doesn’t flinch or get quiet when a few of them get too uncomfortable for Steve’s taste.  Steve tries not to get angry when Greg makes a note of something Bucky says.  Bucky picks up on it and reaches over to take Steve’s hand.  If Mark or Greg pick up on his discomfort they don’t say.

 

“We should probably take off.  It’s getting late.”  Greg says.

 

 “Oh wow, where did the night go?  Steve I’ll call you when I’ve got the fliers made up.”

 

“Sounds good.” Steve says shaking Mark’s hand.

 

“We should do this again soon.  Maybe at our place.”  Greg says he shakes Bucky’s hand.

 

They show Mark and Greg out and then collapse on the couch.  Steve takes Bucky into his arms and starts running his fingers through Bucky’s hair.  Bucky makes a contented noise and fights to stay awake.  Steve kisses his temple and shifts so Bucky can sleep.

 

“Love you.”  Bucky says kissing his chest.

 

“Love you too.  Grab the throw.”  Steve says before Bucky can really fall asleep.

 

Steve wakes with a start and reaches for his shield which is in the bedroom.  Bucky’s still sleeping next to him and he realizes they’re home.  He sighs and tries to fall back to sleep.  It’s still dark out and he’s pretty sure he hasn’t been asleep for that long.  He eases off the couch and goes to get a glass of water when the noise that woke him up happens again.  He grips the counter so tight his knuckles are white.  He tenses when he hears someone come into the room.  He grabs the butcher knife out of the dish drainer.

 

“Stevie, it’s me, it’s all right.  You’re safe.  I’m right here.  I’ve got you.”

 

“Buck.”  Steve says dropping the knife and flinging himself at Bucky.

 

“Sh.  You’re all right.  What happened, punk?”

 

“I heard… I don’t know… doesn’t usually…. Buck.”

 

The noise happens again and Steve tenses in Bucky’s arms.  Bucky kisses his temple and then heads into the bedroom.  He goes out onto the fire escape and checks things out.  There’s nothing there.  He then goes back inside kisses Steve and heads for the roof.  He gets back to the apartment and Steve is curled in on himself on the couch.  Bucky goes to him and takes him into his arms.

 

“Find anything?”  Steve asks.  To Bucky he sounds like he used to when he was worried he was so sick.

 

“Just someone’s car backfiring.”  Steve curls into Bucky more.

 

“Come on, you, bed.”

 

“Don’t… I should be fine.  Not like I haven’t had cars backfiring before.  I should….”

 

“But you aren’t and that’s okay.  I’m right here.  I got ya.”

 

“Can we just stay here?  Can we….?”

 

“Get up for a second.”

 

Bucky arranges the couch cushions.  He then goes into the bedroom and grabs all the blankets off the bed and out of the linen closet.  Steve smiles small and then goes into the blanket fort and Bucky’s arms.  Bucky kisses his temple and runs his hand up and down Steve’s back to try and lull him back to sleep.

 

Steve wakes the next morning disoriented and scared.  Bucky wakes almost as soon as he does.  He kisses him softly and Steve melts into it.  It grounds him.  He suddenly feels safe.  He curls into Bucky and settles even more.

 

“You all right?”  Bucky asks, not bothering to hide his concern.

 

“What happened?”

 

“You don’t remember last night?”  Bucky asks even more concerned.

 

“Car back fired a couple… oh right.  I’m going to go back to sleep.”

 

“Want to move to bed?”

 

“No.  Wanna stay right here.”  Steve says sleepily.

 

When he wakes the second time Bucky’s not next to him.  He can hear him in the kitchen and decides to get out of “bed.” He goes into the kitchen and wraps himself around Bucky kissing his shoulder.  Then he grabs a cup of coffee.

 

“Morning.”  He says kissing Bucky’s shoulder again.

 

“Morning sleepy head.  You feel better?”

 

“Yeah… about last night… I’m sorry.”

 

“Steve, you don’t have anything to be sorry for.  It’s okay.  I called Sam though.  He said to tell you he’s heading back here today.  Should be in, in a couple of hours if you wanted to meet with him.  Said he’d call once he was settled.”

 

“I probably should.”  Steve says quietly.

 

“Hey.  Come here.”  Bucky says opening his arms.  Steve goes into Bucky’s arms and Bucky kisses him senseless. When they part Steve’s smiling.

 

“That’s better.”

 


	56. Chapter Fifty Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is super short. But I'm still trying to figure out where I want to take this. I think it's almost done. Which means I want the ending to be really good. And it's unbetaed today because I wanted to get it posted. Sorry if it's awful.

Bucky notes that Steve’s quiet during breakfast and lets it go.  When they’re done Steve goes back into the blanket fort.  Bucky finishes up the dishes and joins him.  Steve snuggles in and makes patterns on Bucky’s chest, leaning up for a kiss every now and then.  Bucky stays quiet.  It’s not like he hasn’t done the same thing after his episodes for a few days.  It just worries him that it’s Steve. 

“Hey, you’re doing the loud thinking thing now, Buck.  What’s wrong?”

“Just worried about you.”  Bucky admits, because really saying ‘nothing’ wouldn’t get him anywhere.

Steve doesn’t say anything.  He just snuggles in and tries to hide in Bucky for a bit.  Then he pecks him on the lips and shifts so he’s lying on top of him.  He lets out a contented sigh and dozes off.  Bucky isn’t far behind.  They both wake to someone clearing their throat.  Steve pokes his head out to find Sam staring down at him with a bemused look on his face.

“Used Abbi’s key, before you ask.  And I’d ask but I’m not sure I want to know.”  Sam says with a chuckle.

“Give me a second to get into my gear.”  Steve says blushing.

“How long you two been blanket forting it?”  Sam asks Bucky as Steve makes his way to the bedroom.

“Just last night and this morning.  He’s still shaken up about what happened last night.”

“Car backfired, right?”

“Yeah.  As far as I could tell from the roof.  But it woke him so who knows what was going on in his head before he woke up.  I didn’t want to push.”

“Ready to go?”  Steve asks coming back into the room.

“Yeah come on.”

“I’ll be back.  You want me to swing by Starbucks on the way?”

“Nah.  Unless you want something.”  Bucky says with a peck on his lips.

It’s Saturday so the kids are all out playing.  Steve and Sam wave on their way.  They head on the route Bucky and Steve usually take.  Sam lets Steve go a block before he starts asking about the previous night.  Steve admits he’s not sure what set him off.  Says he doesn’t remember dreaming anything at all. 

“Cars backfiring don’t usually get to me.  Not like this anyway.  I might look around once.  Just give things a once over but this.  I can’t shake it.  I’m not going to lie, it worries me a little I can’t.  Bucky’s in a really good place.   I thought I was too.”

“I’m sure you’re going to be fine.  Used to happen to me all the time when I first came home.  Still does every once in a while.  And you two have been through hell recently.  If it continues past today then I’d worry.  But I think you’re okay.  So, Tony said you two had a dinner party he wasn’t invited to.”

“How did he even find out?”  Steve asks with a chuckle and a nod.

“I don’t know.  But he did.  Personally I think he put the place under surveillance after HYDRA grabbed Bucky.  You ask him though he’ll probably deny it.  So tell me about the dinner party.”

Steve does.  He tells him all about how Bucky beamed the whole night.  How he feels like they’ve made new friends.  He tells him how he’s seriously considering Mark’s offer, but that he’s not sure how to tell Tony he’s not invited.

“It’s just… I don’t know maybe I shouldn’t tell any of them.”

“Steve you’re allowed to have a life outside of the Avengers you know.  That’s what you moving here was about right?  Getting to be Steve Rogers, kid from Brooklyn, and not Captain America.”

“Well… I… yeah it was.  But they’re my friends.  And they’ve all been….”

“Just stop.  They’ll understand.  Besides I’m sure this Mark guy can work something out so you can let them see it without the public being there too.  So you’re going to do it?”

“Yeah.  But I’m going to use new stuff.  Leave the old stuff to the Smithsonian.  Mark said he thought that would probably be for the best.   He wants to have it in a month.  So let’s cross our fingers no aliens decide to invade huh.”

“You could always say hey the President said I was on Bucky duty.”  Steve laughs and punches Sam lightly in the arm as they round the corner to Steve’s block.  What they see when they make it there makes Steve smile.  Bucky’s playing with Mark and Greg’s dog while sitting on the stoop talking to them.

“You sure you don’t mind?”  Greg is asking when Steve comes up and sits down next to Bucky.

“Nah.  What I take her for a walk to three?  Feed her?  How hard can it be? Besides it’s just for overnight.  I’m sure we’ll be fine.  Won’t we girl?”  Bucky says scratching their dog behind the ears.  For her part, Gracie tries to climb into Bucky’s lap.  He laughs and just keeps scratching her ears.

“I’m fine with it if you are.”  Greg says turning to Mark.

“Fine by me.  We’ll get you the keys later today.  We really appreciate this.”  Mark says.

“We dog sitting?”  Steve asks smiling.

“No, ‘we’ aren’t I am.  Right Gracie?”  Gracie responds with a bark.  The look she gives Steve has everyone laughing.

“Someone’s not impressed.”  Sam says.

“Fine I see how it is.”  Steve says pouting.  Gracie then goes over and gives him kisses.  Which causes them all to laugh again.

Mark and Greg make their goodbyes and set up a time with Bucky to have him come over and show him around.  Sam says he’s going to go see Tony but that he’ll be back later.  Steve gets up and sits on the step between Bucky’s knees then leans himself back.

“You seem better.”   Bucky says dropping a kiss on the top of Steve’s head.

“I feel better.  You were right I needed to talk to Sam.  So dog sitting huh?”

“Mark has to go upstate overnight tonight unexpectedly.  It was such short notice that their usual dog sitter wasn’t available.  It’s one night.  I think I can handle it.”

“I know you can.  I didn’t mean to make it sound….”  Bucky leans down, tips Steve’s head back slightly, and claims his lips.

“I’m not mad.  Didn’t think you were implying I couldn’t handle it.  Come on let’s go back inside.  I want to cuddle in the fort.”

“You mean you didn’t put it away?”

“Nope.”  Bucky says with a wink.

Steve pulls Bucky up with a chuckle.  They head back up to the apartment and Steve follows Bucky into the fort.  Soon they’re wrapped around each other trading lazy kisses.  Bucky runs his left hand along Steve’s side and he moans at the touch.  Bucky does it again going back up and Steve shivers.

“Buck…”

“Hmmmm.”  Bucky says kissing along Steve’s neck.

“More.”

Bucky is all too happy to oblige and soon Steve is curling into him completely sated.  He reaches up and runs his fingers through Bucky’s hair and drops a kiss on his chest before drifting off to sleep.

“Love you, Stevie.”  Bucky says, dropping a kiss on the top of Steve’s head and allowing sleep to claim him.


	57. Chapter Fifty Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am back! I am so sorry for the delay. Life's been a bit hectic. I had major writers block again. But I have a clear idea for the next chapters so I think it's safe to say I'm back. I hope you all enjoy this one. Thank you all so much for sticking with me. A very big thank you to Shieldingwinter for her continued encouragement and beta work.

The rest of September goes by peacefully and Steve thinks they’ve made it through to the other side.  He thinks they’re at the end of the tunnel.  His art show is set for November, with a preview for the Avengers the night before. He’s working on getting things ready.  Bucky for his part seems lighter than he has since before the war. They manage to settle into a routine.  When Steve gets the call towards the end of the month from the President requesting a meeting with them, he thinks little of it.  He’s known this was going to happen eventually.  It doesn’t mean he’s going to have to go back on duty.  But in the time leading up to their trip, as September becomes October, and the October chill sets into the air, Bucky is tense and clingy.  For his part, Steve doesn’t understand why, which leads to fighting.  Steve hates it.  Which is of course what they’re doing the whole time they’re packing to go to DC.  The President’s asked them to DC for the Columbus Day weekend.  And originally the plan’s been to spend a few days with Peggy first.

 

“Buck, would you calm down.  It’s…  There’s no need to throw things at me.”  Steve says dodging the pillow coming for his head.  He supposes he should be glad it isn’t a knife.

 

“Would you please just talk to me?  I can’t help if you don’t talk to me.”

 

“Can’t help anyway.  Going for a walk.  Don’t follow.”  The way Bucky answers puts Steve on high alert.

 

Steve goes over and grabs his phone.  He pulls up Sam’s information and lets his finger hover.  He scrolls back up to Bruce’s name and does the same.  He finally settles on calling Pepper.  It goes straight to voicemail; which either means Bucky’s on the phone with her or she’s busy.  For once he hopes it’s because of Bucky.

 

He spends the night finishing his packing and then pacing the apartment.  It’s almost midnight and Bucky still isn’t back.  He doesn’t even bother not worrying.  He grabs his keys and a jacket.  He heads out and towards the park.  Bucky’s not there.  He goes to the cemetery and to Bucky’s family’s graves.  He’s not there either.  Steve hits every spot he can think of.  By the time he’s back to the apartment it’s almost two.  He notices the light coming from the front window and lets out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding.

 

He climbs the stairs slowly.  He’s not sure who he’s going to be facing when he walks in, and that scares him a bit.  He goes in and finally finds Bucky.  He’s sitting out on the fire escape Steve goes out and sits next to him.  He bumps Bucky’s shoulder lightly.  Bucky doesn’t bump back, but he doesn’t move away either.  They sit in silence for a long while.  Steve itches to just reach over and take Bucky’s hand. 

 

“I can…. I can…. Steve he’s…. Damnit.”

 

“He who, Buck?”

 

“He’s…. Steve… I can’t……”

 

“Come here, breathe for me.  Deep breath.  It’s all right.  I’m right here you’re safe.  I love you.”  Bucky collapses into him and shakes.

 

“Handsome, what do you need?”

 

“I’m losing it again.”  Bucky says so quietly Steve has to strain to hear it.

 

“Buck?”  Steve says, not bothering to hide his worry.

 

“I can’t do this.  I’m so afraid he’s going to take you away.”

 

“Who?”  Steve asks.

 

“I keep having dreams where I’m more the Winter Soldier…. No that’s not right where I **_am_** the Winter Soldier.  You’re there and then you’re gone.  I.. he’s going to take you away if we go back to Washington.  They’ll take you away.  They’ll find us and take you away.”  Bucky says clinging to Steve.

 

“Buck, oh Bucky.  Come on inside.  It’s getting cold.”

 

“Stay.  Don’t leave.”  Bucky says, and it’s not lost on Steve it sounds more like the Soldier.

 

“All right.”  Steve says shifting slightly.

 

Steve waits till Bucky’s asleep.  Then by some miracle he manages to get them both inside and to bed.  He holds Bucky close and soothes when the nightmares come.  He doesn’t sleep himself.  Bucky wakes around eight and gets up without a word.  He’s out the door by ten after.  This time Steve does follow.  But at a distance and he makes it seem like he’s out for a run.  He even waits until Mark and Greg have gone by with Gracie.

 

Bucky goes down to the park and finds the most secluded spot he can then plops himself down and just stares up at the sky.  There’s a bit of a chill and he’s not really dressed for it.  Steve turns around and heads for home.  He grabs the blanket they use for picnics and heads back to the park.  When he gets there Bucky’s sleeping peacefully and there’s not only a blanket over him but a dog laying at his feet.  And not just any dog.  It’s Gracie, Mark and Greg’s German Shepherd.  That’s when he notices them waiting a way down for her to leave Bucky’s side.

 

“Hey.  He all right?”  Mark asks quietly.

 

“Not really.  I ran home to get him a blanket.  I…”

 

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.  But if you do, I’m here.”

 

“Thanks.”  Steve says going over and sitting at his head.  Gracie growls and Steve wonders how many times this has happened without him knowing.

 

“Come on girl.  Bucky’ll be all right.”  Gracie growls again and Bucky stirs.

 

“Mark? Greg?”  Bucky asks sleepily.

 

“Hey.  Steve’s here too.  Gracie seems to be refusing to head for home.”  Greg says.

 

“I can bring her back, if that’s all right.”

 

“Sure.  Whenever you’re ready.  I’ve got to head out around ten so if I’m not there just use your key.”  Mark says.  Greg just plops himself down on Steve’s blanket, out of Bucky’s sightline.

 

“’Kay.”  Bucky says then he’s seemingly back to sleep.  Gracie guarding him at his side.

 

“You know she won’t let anything happen to him if you wanted to walk back with me.  You look like you want to ask a million questions.”

 

“Yeah.  I just…”

 

“Trust me, Steve he’ll be fine.”  Steve leans down and brushes his lips over Bucky’s forehead while Mark goes over and talks to Greg for a minute.  Then he and Steve head out of the park.    They walk in silence for all of a minute. 

 

“How long has this been going on?” Steve asks.

 

“Beginning of last month just about.  First time it happened Greg and I thought she’d decided to protect some homeless guy.  Then we got close enough and saw it was Bucky.  He freaked out a bit.  Begged us not to say anything to you.  Promised to talk to you so we both agreed to.  Then it kept happening.  I think he’s talked to Greg about things, because I’ve mentioned telling you and Greg’s convinced me to stay out of it.  Steve if I had known he hadn’t said anything….”

 

“I know.  He’s hit a rough patch.  I don’t think he knows how to deal with it.  And I feel like we’ve taken all the steps backward.  I keep expecting him to ask me if I still want to be with him.  Course he’d have to do it yelling at me because we’ve been at each other’s throats constantly.”

 

“Do you still want to be with him?”  Mark asks.

 

Steve knows he shouldn’t get pissed.  He knows Mark doesn’t know the full story; that he only knows what Bucky may have told him and Greg.  And yet the venom with which his answer comes out surprises even him.

 

“ ** _Of course I do_**.  How can…  Sorry.”  He says cutting himself off.

 

“It’s all right.  I get it. Look I may not know the full story, but I do get it.  I’ve had friends who used to ask me the same thing about Greg.  He and I went through almost six months where neither of us spoke unless we were fighting. I really didn’t think we were going to make it.  But we did.  Look, I’m not even going to try and equate what Greg and I have to the two of you.  I wouldn’t dream of it.  I’m not going to try and equate what Greg went through with what Bucky’s gone through.  I’d never.  I’m also not going to betray Greg’s trust, but let’s just say the six months weren’t over something stupid like one of us leaving dishes in the sink.”

 

“What did you do?”

 

“Bought him a promise ring.  I take it from the look you’re giving me it’s not something you’ve considered.”

 

“No.  I mean we didn’t really….  And now I feel like the man out of time again.”

 

“It’s kind of a pre engagement ring. “

 

“So he’d know I still want forever, even if it wasn’t right now?”

 

“Exactly.”

 

Steve doesn’t say anything, but he definitely mulls over the idea.  To his surprise Mark follows him into the apartment.  They spend the rest of the morning talking.  When Steve checks his watch he sees that it’s almost noon.

 

“Thought you had a ten o’clock.”  Steve says.

 

“I did.  Had it in fact.  Not that we talked business at all.”

 

“I was…. The promotional posters I was supposed to come proof them.  Mark I’m sorry.  With everything going on with Bucky and getting ready for the trip to Washington I completely forgot.”

 

“I figured. Let me run home and grab them.  Check in at the apartment.  Bucky should have been back by now.  He’s never more than a couple hours with her.  Unless he and Greg are talking.  Maybe I’ll just call.”  Mark does so then makes a face as he leaves a message for Greg.

 

“I can just wait here if you wanted to run home.”

 

“Come on. How bad can it be?”  Mark says gesturing for Steve to follow.

 

“All right.”

 

They arrive at Mark and Greg’s and can hear him and Bucky talking.  Steve tries to slip back out but Mark keeps him where he is.  They inch closer to the living room before Mark throws up the signal to stop.  Steve realizes this gives them the perfect vantage to listen in.

 

“So let me get this straight.  Some asshole jumped you.  Put you in the hospital for a month and then got away with it?”  Bucky asks.

 

“Pretty much.  It’s why Mark and I fought for six months.  He kept thinking I remembered something I didn’t.  Look, I know our situations are completely different, but I just want you to know I get the whole anger out of nowhere. And if you’re anything like me you start wondering why he’s with you still.  Cause you’re damaged goods.  How could….”

 

“Someone as perfect as him want me.”  Bucky finishes quietly.

 

“Yep.”  Greg says.

 

“What did Mark do?”

 

“To show me he still wanted me?  Bought me a promise ring.  Got it inscribed with something special to the two of us.”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“Pre engagement ring.  We’d had them for years before the governor made it legal for us to be married.”

 

“Huh.”  Before they can say anymore Mark clears his throat.

 

“Babe, it’s not nice to eavesdrop.”

 

“I could lie and say we weren’t but well, what would be the point.”

 

“Exactly.”

 

“C’mere, punk.  Walk me to the door.”  Bucky says taking Steve’s hand.

 

“You okay?”  Steve asks once they’re at the door.

 

“No.  We’ll talk when you get home.  Promise.  Love you.”  Bucky says pecking him on the lips.

 

Steve isn’t sure what he’s proofing he’s only half paying attention.  Mark, bless him, seems to pick up on it and offers to reschedule saying he should get home to Bucky.  With a quick ‘thank you’ Steve’s out the door and home in moments.  He arrives home to find Bucky curled up on the couch reading.

 

“Hi.”

 

“Hi.  Come sit.”  Steve immediately goes into Bucky’s arms.

 

“I don’t know if I can do this meeting the President thing.  Not in Washington anyway, not with everything that went down.  And I know it has to be there.  I know he can’t really come here.  But I can feel…..  I don’t know how to explain it.  I feel like I’m in a constant episode.  I keep trying to pull myself out of it and I can’t.  I’m scared.  I don’t feel safe.  I feel like if I tell you, you’re going to decide to lock me up in some loony bin or worse hand me over to them.  And I **_know_** you wouldn’t.  Usually, but then….”  Steve kisses him softly.

 

“Breathe, handsome.  I’m not going anywhere.  End of the line.  You know that.”

 

“I do. I’m sorry.”

 

“You have nothing to be sorry for.  I’ll call the President tomorrow.”  Steve says kissing him softly again.

 

“It’s not…. you don’t have to.”  Bucky says looking down.

 

“Want to.  Now I don’t know about you, but I think cuddles are in order.”  Bucky doesn’t bother arguing.  He simply curls up on Steve’s lap and settles.

 

“Sorry.”  Bucky says quietly.

 

“Why?”

 

“All the fighting.  I just…”  Steve kisses him again.

 

“Relax Buck, we’re all right.  Promise.  I’m not going to leave you just because you’ve hit a rough patch you need to work through.”

 

“I really don’t deserve you.  But then I never did.”  Bucky says kissing him softly.

 

“Always did.  Always will.  I’m the one who didn’t deserve you the first time around, what with me being sick all the time.”  Bucky doesn’t say anything just gives him a look.

 

“Not the same.”  Bucky finally says.

 

“I know.  Buck, we’ll get through this.  We **_will”_**

 

“Love you.  I feel like I have to remind you of what I said this summer.  None of this going on in my head is because I don’t love you.  I do.  With everything I am.”

 

“I know.” 

 

They lay in silence for a while and Steve looks down, thinking Bucky’s asleep, only to find him wide awake.  Steve runs his fingers through his hair and starts humming what his mother used to hum when he was sick.  Bucky relaxes slightly, but still sighs loudly.

 

“Don’t ask it, cause I don’t know what’s wrong.  And I don’t know what you can do.  Oh look Steve it’s the anger out of nowhere again.”  Bucky says getting up to pace.

 

Bucky grabs his jacket and kisses the top of Steve’s head and then is out the door.  Steve gives it ten minutes and then follows him. He finds Bucky shooting hoops by himself.  Well, Steve supposes it’s more he’s throwing the ball to release frustration.  If Bucky knows Steve is there he doesn’t say.  Finally, Bucky relaxes enough to actually start shooting baskets and Steve just watches in amazement. 

 

“Come on, punk.  You and me game of one on one.  Whatcha say?”

 

“I say no way.  Baseball’s my game.”  Bucky makes one more basket and then goes and plops himself down next to Steve at the picnic table. 

 

“I called the President.  Turns out he’s got business in the city.  He’s coming in end of the week.  His people are going to call Pepper and set something up for Friday afternoon at the tower.  Tony’s already agreed to be there.”  Steve says playing with Bucky’s hair.

 

“Steve.”  Bucky whispers.

 

“Buck, it’s fine.  I should have thought it through more.  Should have asked you where you wanted to do it.”

 

“President sure he doesn’t mind?”

 

“I tried to cancel it, said it wasn’t a good time.  He figured it out, offered.  First Lady wants to come too.  I told him I’d ask you.”

 

“Why she want to come?”

 

“To meet you, silly.  Apparently, while the President was a bit of Captain America fan-boy, his words, she’s always admired you.  And after the interview with NBC, she might just be the one leading the charge to see you as a POW.”

 

“Wow.  Really?”

 

“Yes really.  She even insisted that you be given an out even if it got to be five minutes before and you couldn’t do it.”

 

“All right. Set it up.  Steve, I really am sorry.  I don’t mean to fight with you.  I just… I can’t….”  Steve kisses him again.

 

“Come back up.  I suddenly want to cuddle you to death.”

 

“Death, really?  Well, as ways to go, I suppose that wouldn’t be so bad.”

 

“Shut up, Barnes.”  Steve says giving his hair a slight tug.

 

“Yes sir, Captain Rogers, sir.”  Bucky says smiling.

 

“Love you, jerk.”

 

“Love you too, punk.”  Bucky says kissing him.  He hears someone wolf whistle in the distance and tenses for a second, but just keeps kissing Steve.

 

“Wow.  Now we really do need to go up.”  Steve says when they part.  Bucky chuckles into Steve’s lips as he gives him another kiss.

 

“Thanks.”  Bucky says as he pulls away.

 

“Buck.”  Steve says cupping his cheek.

 

“No, not for sticking around.  But for getting me out of my head.”  Bucky says resting their foreheads together.

 

“Anytime.  Come on.  I want to stay in bed all day and cuddle.”  Steve says with a light kiss.

 

“You need to set something up with Mark, proof those posters.”

 

“Later.  Right now you need me.”

 

“Steve.”

 

“I promise to call him when we get back upstairs.  All right?”

 

“Okay.”

 

They head upstairs and Bucky goes into the kitchen to get them something to eat.  Steve calls Mark and sets something up for the following day.  After he hangs up he goes and wraps himself around Bucky.  Bucky protests slightly all the while leaning into the embrace.

 

The rest of the week goes much smoother than Steve expects. Bucky is calm and the tension between them seems to have evaporated into a distant memory.  The day of the meeting with the President arrives and Bucky is nervous, but nothing like Steve would have thought he’d be.  In fact, Steve realizes he’s probably more nervous than Bucky is.  They arrive at the tower and to both of their surprise the Secret Service simply pat Bucky down.  They make Steve go through the metal detector, which Bucky finds hilarious.

 

“Thanks fellas, I needed that.”  Bucky says as they enter the tower.

 

“JARVIS, Cap and I are gonna swing by our floor let the President know we’ll be up in five.”

 

“Of course Bucky.  Welcome back.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

“Stevie, would you breathe.”

 

“I am.”

 

“It’s gonna be fine.  I’ll be on my best behavior.  I promise.”

 

“You’re not who I’m worried about.  Look what happened with Wright.  We thought that was going to be fine too.”  Steve says and he hates the way he sounds even to himself.

 

“Steve, we’ve got nothing to indicate Ellis is HYDA.”

 

“Didn’t have any indication Wright was either.  How can you be so calm about this?”

 

“Because you’ve been telling me this was gonna be fine.  That we ain’t got nothin’ to worry about.  I trust you.  You’re not going to let anything happen to me.”  Bucky says.  Steve smiles at the fact that the accent is there in full force.

 

“Wow.  Really?”  Steve says quietly.  He’s a bit amazed at the fact that Bucky actually heard him every time he’s said it.

 

“Yeah really.  Now come on.  Don’t want to keep the President waiting.”  Bucky says with a peck on the lips.

 

They go up to the main room and find everyone milling around. Tony and Bruce are talking with the President.  Pepper is talking with the First Lady about a few of the paintings.  Sam and Rhodey are playfully arguing over something with a few of the Secret Service agents.  Steve clears his throat to let them know he and Bucky have come into the room.

 

“Captain Rogers.  Sergeant Barnes.  A pleasure.  Camille, they’ve finally arrived darling.”  Ellis says gesturing to his wife to join him.

 

“Sorry to have kept you waiting, Mr. President.”  Steve says shaking his hand.

 

“Oh it was no bother, really.  Now what do you say we go somewhere private and talk.”

 

“Matthew, you promised Bucky he could set the pace for this thing.  Don’t you dare go back on that.”

 

“Of course, my apologies.” 

 

Bucky doesn’t say anything.  Truth be told he’s a bit overwhelmed.  He’s having weird flashes and they’re unsettling him.  He keeps seeing the First Lady in front of a crowd.  It comes rushing back so fast he stumbles slightly.

 

“Buck?”  Steve says concerned.

 

“Sam.  Balcony now.”  Bucky says turning on his heel and stalking onto the balcony.

 

“You want to tell me what’s up?”  Sam asks as he passes Steve.

 

“I have no idea.  Go on.  Sorry about that sir.”  Steve says turning to the President.

 

“Bucky?”  Sam asks taking a seat on one of the chaises. Bucky’s up on the railing.

 

“They tried to kill her.  Wanted Ellis to end his campaign for Senate.  He’d refused to play ball with them.  It’s how they found me when I went off the grid.  I took out the assassin.  It just came back.  Great now he’s going to think they need to lock me up.”

 

“He’s going to do no such thing.  Mr. Wilson would you give the Sergeant and I a moment?”  The First Lady asks coming out onto the balcony.

 

“Certainly ma’am.”  Sam says going back inside.

 

“You know I saw you that day.  Just the star.  It stuck with me.  You should know you didn’t just save me.  I was pregnant with our youngest.  I never told Matthew any of it.  I was sure he’d think I was crazy.  All he knows is the attempt was thwarted by someone.  Plus, I knew they had people watching us.  You can of course tell Captain Rogers if you’d like.  Don’t think there’s much to worry about now.  Now would you hop down from there.  You’re making me nervous.”

 

“Sorry, ma’am.”  Bucky hops down and she takes his left hand in hers to lead him back inside.  He freezes.

 

“Come on, I’m not afraid of it.  Come on.”  She coaxes gently.

 

“Sorry.”  Bucky says quietly looking down.

 

“None of that.  So tell me Sergeant, what’s it like being back in Brooklyn?”  She asks as they come through the doors.

 

“It’s different and the same at the same time.  It’s nice.  I finally feel like I’m home.”

 

“That’s wonderful.  And how is your recovery?  You don’t have to answer that.  I shouldn’t be prying.” 

 

“No, you’re fine.  Call me Bucky, please.”  Steve drops the glass he’s holding at that.

 

“You gonna clean that up, punk?  JARVIS **_do not_** have one of the bots do it.  Stevie made the mess he can clean it up.  Now where were we?  My recovery, it’s going.  I have good days more than bad.  I count that as a win.  Moving home helped more than I realized.  Excuse me for a minute ma’am.  Steve, you okay?”

 

“You... she…  Bucky…” Bucky chuckles.  He kisses him softly and when he pulls away Steve is beaming.  He smiles at the fact that Dum-E has cleaned up the mess anyway.

 

“Looks like I broke him.”  Bucky says with a smile and a wink at the First Lady.  The President chuckles himself.

 

“Yes it would seem you have.  Sergeant Barnes I have a bit of a favor to ask.  While my wife may not have come here for work related reasons I’m afraid I have.  I’d like you to assist the Avengers in taking out any remaining HYDRA bases.”  The President says turning serious.  Steve goes over and sits on the arm of the couch next to Bucky.

 

“Matthew, you promised to let Mr. Stark broach the subject with him.”

 

“It’s all right.  I want to do it.  Show the public the Winter Soldier can be, no still is, a hero.  I want to be able to show them that you’re not wrong Mrs. Ellis.  That it is more me being the longest surviving POW.  I’m sure JARVIS, Tony and Bruce can come up with something so that I can’t be brainwashed again.  Although given that we know what to look for now I don’t think that would happen anyway.  But it doesn’t hurt to have contingencies in place.”

 

“Buck, are you sure?”  Steve asks taking his hand in his.

 

“Positive.  Look Steve, I’ve got a lot to make up for.  Whether I was in my right mind or not I still pulled the trigger.  Way I figure it taking out HYDRA bases with you and the team is a good place to start.”

 

“We’ll get started then on something to make sure they can’t get control.”  Bruce says with a smile.

 

The rest of the meeting goes well.  They wrap it up in another hour.  The President asks Bucky for a moment alone, and Bucky notices Steve go on alert.  He excuses himself for a second and goes over to Steve.  He whispers something to him and Steve relaxes. Going back over to where the President is he takes him and a Secret Service agent into another room.

 

“Sergeant Barnes, I’m going to need Captain Rogers to go back on active duty.  It’s more than just the Avengers.  There’s a situation in Wakanda we could use his help with.”

 

“Diplomatic mission or something else?”

 

“Diplomatic right now.  Could turn into something else though. Though, our intel suggests it may be tied to HYDRA.”

 

“I’m not going to tell him he can’t go.  And if you give him the order he’s going to follow it.  You have to know that.”

 

“I do, which is why I wanted to be sure you’d be all right with it.”

 

“I go with him.  Even if it’s just to sit in the hotel room.  I like the Avengers well enough.  And Wilson’s an all right guy.  But they don’t know Steve like I do.  Even with the interruption.  He’s bound to do something stupid and need someone to get him out of it.”

 

“And you’d feel better if you had his back?”

 

“I would.  I don’t remember any missions in Wakanda.  But if it’s going to be a problem…”

 

“It won’t be.  T’Challa already agreed to let you come with Steve.  I just wanted to see if you were up for it.”

 

“I am.  Oh and Mr. President, call me Bucky or James if you don’t feel comfortable with Bucky.  Sergeant Barnes still doesn’t feel like it fits.”

 

“All right, Bucky.  Oh and thank you.  Camille doesn’t think I know what happened in New York all those years ago.  She’s wrong.  My family and I owe you a debt of gratitude I can never repay.”

 

“You didn’t lock me in a cage.  You let me turn myself into the Avengers.  You took Steve off of active duty at a time I’m sure you could have used him.  You let me have the time I needed to get my life back.  I’d say we’re even.”

 

“Matthew, darling, the natives are getting restless.  Time to go.”  Camille Ellis says coming into the room, Steve’s standing beside her smiling.

 

“Thank you again, sir.”  Bucky says shaking his hand. 

 

“Captain Rogers, walk us out would you?”

 

“Of course sir.  Be right back.”  Steve says pecking him on the lips.

 

Steve comes back inside and pulls Bucky towards the elevator.  Once they’re inside he kisses him soundly.  Then he hugs him close and whispers an I love you into his skin.  They get to their floor and Steve leads him to the bedroom.  Bucky arches a brow as Steve kisses him again.  When they part Steve pushes him onto the bed and then curls on top of him.  He doesn’t say anything for a while and Bucky thinks he’s fallen asleep but he looks down to find Steve looking up at him.

 

“You all right, punk?”

 

“He wants me back on active duty.”

  


“I know. Told him I’d go with you.”

 

“He said.  Are you sure you want to do that?”

 

“Steve I’m going to have your back.”  Bucky says in a tone that brokers no argument.

 

“Do you want to stay here tonight or go home?”

 

“Go home.  No offense to Tony, but this isn’t where I want to be tonight.  Did he say when we’d have to leave for Wakanda?”

 

“They’re still working that out.  I’m going to have to call Mark.  Let him know we may need to shift things around for the show.”

 

“As long as we’re home for Christmas.  It’s our first one in over seventy years.  They don’t get to take that from us.”

 

“I told the President the same thing.  Come on let’s go home.”  Bucky kisses him and then leads him back to the elevator hand in hand.

 

They get home and Bucky sets up the cushions on the floor.  Steve would be worried but then he builds a fire in the fireplace.  Once they’re both settled Bucky tells Steve of the day in New York all those years ago.  How he’d protected the First Lady on instinct and that he could tell when everything came rushing back, that back then it had somehow felt right to be protecting her.  But that it hadn’t made sense.  Steve holds him a little tighter than he probably needs to but Bucky just cuddles into it and gets comfortable.

 

“I love you.”

 

“Love you too, Stevie.  Get some sleep.”

 

 "I’m all right.  You sound exhausted though.”  Bucky’s response is a slight snore.  Steve kisses the top of his head and is asleep soon himself.

 


	58. Chapter Fifty Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always thanks to Shieldingwinter for her beta work.

Steve wakes the next morning to kisses down his body.  He moans softly when Bucky kisses a spot on his left side.  Bucky nips at it and Steve bucks his hips.  Bucky chuckles and kisses his way back up.  He pecks Steve on the lips and hops out of bed.  Steve whines slightly.

 

“Bucky. Come back.  Pleeeaassee.” 

 

“That didn’t work when we were kids it’s not workin’ now, Rogers.”  Bucky calls heading out of the room.

 

Steve goes quiet. He gets out of bed and pads into the kitchen then wraps himself around Bucky.  Bucky immediately turns and holds him close.  He kisses Steve’s temple, and then his forehead before finally claiming his lips in a soft kiss.

 

“You all right, punk?”  Steve nods.

 

“Sorry.  I know I need to stop getting all emotional when you remember things.”

 

“Given the last month, I’ll let it slide just this once.”

 

Before Steve can reply there’s a knock on the door.  He runs back to the bedroom and grabs a t-shirt then checks the clock.  Who the hell would be knocking on their door at six forty-five.  Bucky must have the same thought because by the time Steve makes it back to the living room he’s on full alert.  He opens the door to find a haggard Greg.

 

“Greg?”

 

“Gracie wouldn’t happen to be here would she?  She raced out the door this morning when I went to grab the paper.  Saw a squirrel or something.  Mark is going to kill me.”

 

“Mark’s not going to kill you.  I think I know where she might be.  Stevie, get Greg some breakfast.  I’ve got pancakes almost ready.  Back in a bit.”

 

When Bucky gets back he has the cat from 3B under his arm and Gracie walking besides him.  Mark has made it to their place and is going over new dates for Steve’s show.  He goes and drops off the cat to the woman in 3B who tries to curse Gracie.  He just gives her a look that makes her slam the door in his face.  He smiles up at Abbi who has come to watch the scene in the stairwell.

 

“There’s the Bucky we all adore.  Saving defenseless cats and getting no thanks for it.  Don’t suppose you’d be willing to stop over here for a bit.”

 

“Sure.  How’s Jaime like the new job?”

 

“Loves it.  I really can’t thank you and Steve enough.”

 

“It was no trouble really.”  Bucky says coming in.  What he sees makes him arch a brow at Abbi.

 

“I was trying to move the furniture around last night.  Not like that son of mine is going to help me.  And you and Steve weren’t back from your dinner date yet.”

 

“What about Jaime?”

 

“Out with the girls.”

 

“Go over to my place.  Mark and Greg are there too, I think.  You and Gracie can supervise.”  Bucky says not caring that it’s going to make noise.  The woman in 3B can deal with it.

 

Abbi plops herself down in her chair two hours later sighing happily.  She looks at all of them and starts to giggle.  Bucky and Steve glare.  Mark and Greg throw their hands up and go to grab the couch to move it yet again.

 

“No, no sit down.  Let an old woman tell you a little story.  And keep in mind I’m old.”  Steve arches a brow at that.

 

“This isn’t going to be one of those I remember when ‘Steve was so skinny even thinking about moving furniture would make him tired’ stories is it?”  Steve asks.

 

“Not everything is about you, Steven.”

 

“Steve just shut it and let her tell her story.” Mark says with a chuckle.

 

“Well, you know I knew those two.  Knew how they felt about each other too, even if they didn’t.  And yet I’d still try to find ways to get them to come over here.  All the girls in the neighborhood did with Bucky.  We used to fight over him something fierce.  I remember Millie Foster, who lived where you boys live now,” Abbi says waving at Mark and Greg, “gave Florence… oh what was her last name… well guess it doesn’t really matter.  Point is Millie punched her in the nose.  Now back then girls didn’t do that sort of thing.  When Millie’s mother asked her why she said it was because Bucky had shared his candy with Florence instead of her.  Which Bucky didn’t do at all, we all found out later.  I of course knew who he’d shared it with.  It wasn’t Florence.  He wasn’t sweet on her.  We all thought she made it up.  No one really liked her.  She was what Jaime would call a real bitch.”

 

“Actually, you’re all wrong.  I may not have given a piece of it to Florence but Steve did.  Only no girl ever gave Stevie the time of day.  Because they were idiots.  So it doesn’t surprise me she lied and said it was me.”

 

“Wait, are you telling me girls used to get into physical fights over him?  Really?  Why?  He’s not all that.”  Mark says, with a smile.

 

“Hey.  Watch it.  Bucky was quite dapper back then.  Hair was always perfectly styled.   And he always dressed well.  Even on the playground.  Used to drive his momma nuts.  They’d get out of church on Sunday and he’d go off and get his Sunday best all dirty.”  Abbi says slapping him on his knee playfully.

 

“She used to make me wash it myself once I was old enough.  And to her that was when I turned eight.  I…. Excuse me.”  Bucky gets up and sees himself out.  When Steve goes to follow Abbi makes him sit back down.

 

“Abbi the past month’s been…”

 

“I know how it’s been Steven.  Just give him a minute to himself.”  Abbi says sternly.  Steve sits back down reluctantly.

 

Bucky comes back a few minutes later and curls himself into Steve’s side. Mark and Greg go to leave but he shakes his head and makes them sit back down.  Steve runs his fingers through Bucky’s hair and kisses his temple.

 

“You okay?”

 

“I heard her in my head.  Yelling at me.  ‘James Buchanan Barnes if you track mud all over my clean floor you’re going to be on your hands and knees this time.  And what have I told you about getting your Sunday best all dirty.’”  Bucky says quietly.

 

“You don’t usually get that much back?”  Greg asks softly.

 

“No.  I don’t get… it’s not like that… It was like I was in the room.  Fuck.  I need a walk.  Sorry Abbi.”

 

“Nonsense.  Come here you.  I’m sorry.”  She says giving him a hug.

 

“No, don’t be it was good.  I mean I remembered Florence and the candy.  Jacob Mitchell tried to break it up and Millie shoved him to the ground didn’t she?”

 

“She did.  You want Steve to go with you?”  Abbi says hugging him tightly.

 

“Keep him here would you.  Guys you mind if I take Gracie with me?”

 

“Not at all.  Go on girl.”  Gracie wags her tail and follows Bucky to the door.

 

Steve starts to pace the second he leaves.  Abbi tells him to sit his ass down and continues on with her stories of the neighborhood.  Before everyone realizes it they’ve spent most of the morning and afternoon with her.  Not that any of them mind.  Mark and Greg head out to find Gracie sitting with Bucky in front of his apartment door.

 

“Jerk, did you forget I had the keys?”  Steve asks when he spots him.

 

“Yeah.”  Bucky says with a small smile.

 

“You have a nice walk?”  Mark asks getting down on Gracie’s level and petting her.  She barks happily.

 

They make their goodbyes and Steve helps Bucky up.  Before he opens the door he hugs him close.  Once they’re inside Steve pulls Bucky in for another hug.  Bucky snuggles into it more even though they’re standing up.

 

“You hungry?”  Steve asks as Bucky pulls away.

 

“No.  I’m good.  You grab something if you want.  I’m going to go sit out on the fire escape for a bit.”

 

“Buck, it’s freezing out.”

 

“I’ll wear my jacket.”  Bucky snaps.  And then immediately regrets it.

 

“Sorry.  I just… I…. I’m….”  Steve takes Bucky back into his arms and runs his fingers through Bucky’s hair.

 

“Is it more than the memory?”  Steve asks quietly.

 

“I’m just…. Tony called while I was out with Gracie.  They found a HYDRA base here in Brooklyn.  Only it wasn’t an old one.  From what JARVIS could tell they were just getting off the ground.  They had a cryo unit.  They had the chair.”

 

“I am **_not_** going to let anything happen to you.  I’ll have your back as much as you’ll have mine.  But if you want to sit this out, none of them would blame you.”  Steve says shifting them so he’s facing Bucky.

 

“That’s not all of it.  They know where we live Steve.  They know where we are.  I can’t stay here.  It’s going to put everyone in danger.  I **_will not_** put Abbi and all of our friends in danger.  I won’t do that.”  Bucky says getting out of his arms to pace.

 

“Then we go to the tower.”

 

“You’re going to the tower.  I’ve called Phil.  He’ll be at JFK in a few hours.  I’m staying on the bus.”

 

“Bucky.”  Steve says quietly.

 

“It’s the only way.  Tony’s promised that Sam and he will have your back.  Bruce said that if need be he’d let the big guy out.  At least I know he won’t let you get yourself killed.”

 

“What aren’t you telling me?  And don’t say nothing.”  Steve says suddenly getting angry.

 

“There were…. They had…. JARVIS found……  They had….”

 

 

“Spit it out, Buck.  What the hell has you running away?”  Steve says angrily and then immediately feels awful at the look on Bucky’s face; yet he can’t bring himself to apologize.

 

“They can shut me down.  And if they do it while you’re all distracted they can grab me.  They can shove me in that chair take it all away, and then put me back into that cryo unit and there won’t be a dam thing any of you can do about it.”  Bucky screams at him.

 

“What do you mean they can shut you down?”  Steve asks quietly, surprised by the outburst.

 

“I don’t know.  JARVIS just said there was this computer file on how to do it.  It wouldn’t surprise me.  Zola had contingencies for everything.  Look me going to Phil is the best option.  I hate it as much as you do.  But I don’t want to risk the other possibilities.”

 

“No.  You’re right.  Of course.  I just hate this.” Steve says.  Bucky can’t read the look on his face, but he almost thinks it’s defeat.  He hates it.

 

“Steve, if there was any other way.  JARVIS isn’t sure that what Tony and Bruce came up with would work if they use the shutdown code.”

 

“There’s no way to… I don’t know... condition you so it won’t work?”

 

“Bruce doesn’t think so.  And Phil checked the files.  Apparently it’s been around since the fifties which means it’s been around almost as long as I was doing missions.  Look Steve, I don’t want to run away.  I want to be right there by your side fighting them.  But this time it’s too much of a risk.”

 

Before Steve can reply there’s a loud bang outside the front door and then a scream.  Bucky looks at Steve.  Steve races and grabs the shield.  Bucky grabs the butcher knife from the kitchen, which he admits to himself, is not the most ideal of weapons by a long shot.  Then he finds himself thinking he’s the winter soldier, he’ll make do.  It makes him smile slightly.    They open the front door to find Jaime pinned to the wall by Abbi’s door and it kicked in.  Steve tosses the shield and the guy releases Jaime.  Then he races into Abbi’s apartment.  There are five men in the apartment.  They all have guns pointed at Abbi, who to Steve’s surprise, is standing her ground.

 

Bucky hangs back and takes care of the guys coming up the stairs.  Once that’s done he heads for Abbi’s apartment and freezes.  He doesn’t go in.  Jaime, from her vantage point gives him a look.  He motions for her to go into his apartment and then shuts the door and locks it.

 

“Don’t you want to go out there and help Steve?”

 

“Can’t.”  Bucky says grabbing the phone and dialing Tony.

 

“Why the hell not.  It’s five against one.  And okay yeah he’s Captain America but still.”

 

“Tony it’s me.  Get here as fast as you can.  They were going to use the fire escape next door.”

 

“Abbi all right?”  Tony asks as he puts the suit on.  Bucky can hear it in the background.

 

“Steve’s in there so probably.”

 

“Where are you?”

 

“Our place with Jaime.  Who’s pissed at me at the moment.”

 

“She’ll get over it.  Be there soon.  JARVIS says to sit tight.”

 

“Right.”

 

Bucky hears the shield hitting walls.  He hears a single thunk and starts to worry.  Jaime is glaring at him from the couch.  He wants nothing more than to go over there but given what’s at stake he’s not about to chance it.  There’s a knock at the door and Bucky goes to see who it is.  He lets Abbi in and then really starts to worry.

 

“If you’re going to go have Steve’s back now would be the time.  He’s getting his ass handed to him.  It’s like he’s ninety-five pounds soaking wet again.”

 

“I can’t.”

 

“What?!  Why the hell not?”  Abbi asks angrily.  If it were anyone else he’d just glare at them.

 

“There’s some sort of shutdown code.  I go over there and they shut me down I won’t be able to help Steve anyway.  Look, there’s a base here in Brooklyn.  They have everything they need to make me…. To take me….”  Bucky can’t finish.

 

“To make you the Winter Soldier again.” Jaime finishes for him.  He nods.

 

Half an hour later Steve comes in looking worse for wear.  Tony’s having to hold him up.  Tony sits him gingerly on the couch then takes the helmet off.  He sits down in one of the chairs.  Bucky is by Steve’s side and is checking him over.  Jaime runs into the bathroom and gets the first aid kit.

 

“Abbi, I’m going to have to do some work on your apartment.  But we’ll get started on it right away.  For the time being I’ll put you up in one of the penthouses, all right.  I’m really sorry about this.”  Tony says.

 

“Did you and your little band of merry men take care of that base?”  She asks all business.

 

“Should be taken care of by now.”

 

“Good.”  She says with a nod.  Then she goes over and helps Bucky with Steve.

 

Steve’s head is back against the couch.  He’s holding onto Bucky as if he’s afraid to let him go.  Abbi gingerly leans over and runs her fingers through Steve’s hair.  He looks over and smiles slightly.  He goes to apologize and she waves it off.  Jaime just watches the scene and tries to hide her nervousness.

 

“Never a dull moment with you two.  I swear.  Though I think I liked it better when I heard about the fights after they happened.”

 

“Abbi,” Bucky says quietly.

 

“Buck.”  Steve says quietly.

 

“Hmmmm?”

 

Steve just leans into him.  Bucky shifts as softly as he can so that he’s holding Steve.  He can hear Tony in the background on the phone with Nat.  He doesn’t sound happy.  Tony slams his phone down on the counter and then storms out of the apartment.  Steve is on his feet and out the door after him before Bucky can protest.

 

“Tony?”

 

“They got away.  What’s worse is it was a wild goose chase.  We have no idea where the base is.  I’m sending Abbi and Jaime to Florida for the winter.  That’ll give us five months to get this sorted out.”

 

“Abbi won’t go until after the holidays, you know that.  And there isn’t going to be any reasoning with her.  Move her into one of the penthouses.  I’ll pay for it.”

 

“Steve, no you won’t.  I’ll take care of it.  It’s what I do.  What are we going to do about Barnes?”

 

“Nothing.  He’s…. he asked Phil…  He said Sam and you promised to have……”

 

“Breathe Cap.”

 

“I just… he…”  Steve puts his head down for a second and before he even knows what’s happened Bucky is holding him.

 

“I’m right here.  I’ve got you.”  Bucky says shifting them so he’s standing behind him rubbing one hand on his chest and the other on his back.  Steve’s breathing evens out again.

 

 “I’m going to go back to the tower get started on finding that base again.  A car should be here shortly to pick up Abbi and Jaime.”  Tony says taking his leave.

 

Half an hour later Bucky and Steve are wrapped around each other on the couch.  Steve’s dozing and Bucky’s running his fingers through his hair.  He’s got his cell phone and is texting. He shifts so that he doesn’t wake Steve and kisses his temple; and then he goes and packs a bag. He writes Steve a quick note and then kisses the top of his head.  With a final look around the apartment he’s out the door.

 


	59. Chapter Fifty Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a confession, I cheated a bit with this chapter by including the Christmas fic in it. But I made it super long by adding things to the beginning and changing things just a bit in the Christmas fic. I hope you all enjoy. Also, because my orignial plan was to only add like a paragraph or two it's partly unbetaed. Hope you all enjoy anyway.

Steve wakes alone.  He sighs loudly, looks up at the ceiling and lets out an angry puff of air.  He gets off the couch and takes a shower.  It isn’t until he comes out of the bathroom that he sees Bucky’s note.  He grabs the Bucky bear off the shelf and then settles into bed, grabbing the note off the nightstand.

_Stevie,_

_I don’t want to go. I don’t have any choice.  I promise to call every day.  Phil’s promised to keep me safe.  Says he can’t have you mad at him again.  I love you, punk.  Don’t doubt that. I haven’t even left and I miss you already._

_You’ve got to do me a favor.  No jumping off buildings with only your shield to catch you.  Promise.  Have I mentioned I don’t want to go?  Hurry up and shut this cell down, would you?  I took the Captain America bear with me. I don’t care that it makes me a sap._

_One more thing then I’m going to sign off.  There are dinners in the freezer.  Don’t even try cooking._

_I love you,_

_Bucky_

 

Steve smiles and hugs the Bucky bear to him.  This is going to be the longest couple of days he’s had since Bucky came home.  He curls up in bed with a book but gives up when he reads the same sentence three times.  Before he can start to pace his phone rings. 

 

“Hello.”

 

“Hi.”  Bucky says softly. 

 

“What’s wrong?  And don’t bother telling me nothing.”

 

“I miss you like crazy.”  Bucky says not bothering to hide how upset this whole thing is making him.

 

“I miss you too.  The apartment is too… I don’t know. I may go stay at the tower while you’re gone.”

 

“Okay.”  Bucky says quietly.

 

“Handsome, what can I do?”

 

“I’m all right.  Just want to be home.  Love you.”

 

“You hanging up already?”

 

“I just thought you’d want to pack.  Stevie….”  Bucky says sounding a little lost, like he used to after an episode.

 

“All right that’s it.  I’m not sitting around here.  I’m going out there and taking those Hydra base down.”

 

“Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone.  Promise me.”

 

“How can I?  You took all the stupid with you.”

 

‘Love you, punk.  Steve?”

 

“Love you, jerk.  What?”

 

“Just be careful.  Come home in one piece.”

 

“Promise.”

 

Steve leaves the apartment and heads for the tower.  He doesn’t care that it’s almost elven and he’s going to have to rush to catch the subway.  It’s not like he’s really going to be sleeping anyway.  The subway feels like it takes forever.  When he gets to the tower Nat is waiting for him.

 

“When did you get back?”  He asks giving her a longer hug than is probably necessary.

 

“About an hour ago.  Phil told Peggy Bucky had come to stay with him.  She insisted Sam, Sharron, Clint and I all get back here to help.”

 

“Hey Cap.”  Clint says coming in.  He’s followed by the rest of the crew.  Pepper bringing up the rear with a tray of drinks.  He immediately goes and takes it from her while shooting Tony a look.

 

“What?”

 

“If you don’t know, Steve’s not going to tell you.  Now Steve I’ve gotten your apartment ready for you.  Bucky called and asked me to remind you your shield is not a parachute.”

 

“I know.  I know.  Geez you do it one time….”  Nat gives him a look and playfully smacks him.

 

“Not to interrupt Captain Rogers but I have news.”  JARVIS says.  Steve’s fairly sure he’s never been more glad for one.

 

“Go ahead.”

 

“I’ve found the base.  There’s an abandoned building two down from yours.  That’s where they are.”

 

“JARVIS start Evac now.  Work with local authorities and hotels.  I don’t want anyone on the block.  And I don’t want them paying anything.  What?”

 

“Steve, they’re not going anywhere.  It’s midnight. Give it till morning.”  Pepper says soothingly.

 

“Pepper this is HYDRA we’re talking about.  They’re not going to wait till morning.  JARVIS you have…”

 

“JARVIS, get an Evac plan started.  I want something up by six tomorrow morning and ready to roll out no later than seven.”  Tony says interrupting.

 

Steve doesn’t say anything just goes out onto the balcony off the common room.  He gets out his phone and sends off a text.  Moments later Bucky’s ringtone is cutting through the night.

 

“Punk, I just got off the phone with you half an hour ago.”

 

“I needed to hear your voice.  And well, JARVIS found the base.”

 

“Steve, deep breath.  I’m all right.  You’re okay.  Everyone’s going to be okay.”

 

“The abandoned building after Mark and Greg’s.  That’s how close they are.”

 

“Shit.  Evac plan in place yet?”

 

“JARVIS is working on one now.  I wanted to move everyone tonight.  Tony’s giving it till seven.”

 

“What can I do?”  Bucky asks not liking how scared Steve sounds.

 

“I don’t know.  I want you here with me.  Which is incredibly selfish, I know.”

 

“Where are you?”

 

“Balcony off the common room, why?”

 

“Go down to our apartment.”

 

“Okay.”  Steve does talking to Bucky as he moves through the common room.  He can hear the chuckles and doesn’t care.

 

“All right I’m here.  In bed. Now what?”

 

“Get comfy.  Are you?”

 

“As much as I can be without you here.”

 

“Close your eyes.  Are they?”

 

“Yes.”  Steve says exasperatedly; he regrets it as soon as Bucky starts crooning.

 

“Love you, punk.  JARVIS work your magic on his phone would you.”

 

“Who knew Cap would need to be sung to sleep.”  Ward says from where he’s sitting handcuffed to the table.

 

“Go to hell.  Now where were we.”

 

“I’m not telling you squat Barnes.  Skye’s the only one I’m willing to talk to.”

 

Bucky’s got the cuffs broken and Ward slammed against the wall before Melinda or Phil can even get into the room.  It has the desired effect though.  Soon Bucky has a list of HYDRA bases throughout the five Burroughs and he knows which ones were going to be used once he was captured. 

 

“Wasn’t so tough now was it Ward.  Because you were so nice and cooperative I’m going to go put in a good word with Skye for you.  Might do some good.  Coulson get the list to Stark.”  Bucky says brushing past Phil and Melinda.

 

“Remind me to never get on his bad side.”  Melinda says appreciatively.

 

Steve wakes the next morning to a flurry of activity in the tower.  When he tries to get any information out of anyone they don’t seem to hear him.  He manages to figure out the Phil sent a list of bases throughout New York and that they’re concentrating on the ones in Brooklyn first as well as the ones that can be used to get Bucky back under HYDRA control.  He’s surprised to find Nick and Maria there with a few other former SHIELD agents he knows are loyal to them. 

 

“Evac is complete in Captain Rogers neighborhood with one exception but that’s being worked out as we speak.  It doesn’t appear that HYDRA has picked up on anything.”

 

“Good work.  What’s the exception?”  Steve asks.

 

“We’re having problems with one family in particular due to their dog.”

 

“Bring them here.”  Tony says.

 

“Tony, you don’t have to do that.  I’m sure we can figure something out.”

 

“Bring them here JARVIS.  I want to meet the competition.”

 

“Tony.”  Pepper says, but it falls on deaf ears.

 

Two hours later Mark, Greg and Gracie are all settled in the apartment next to Steve’s and Pepper is showing them around the tower.  Steve’s siting at the island in the kitchen going over plans of attack with Clint and Natasha.  Tony is pretending to pay attention but Clint asks him the same question over and over.

 

“Stark, outside now.”  Nat says, clearly annoyed.

 

“What?” 

 

“Do you know what it used to be like for Steve?  Bucky was it.  Bucky was the only one who really gave him the time of day.  Then he got the serum and he had the Commandos and Peggy.  Then he went into the ice and now he has to worry if everyone is just hanging out with him because he’s Captain America.  He knows with Mark and Greg that’s not the case.  They enjoy hanging out with Steve Rogers.  You screw this up for him I am going to make your life a living hell.  You got me?”

 

“You forgot about Abbi.  She wanted to spend time with him when he was small.”

 

“I give up.”

 

“Cap.  Quick question.”  Tony says coming back into the room.

 

“What?” Steve asks.  Mark chuckles at the tone in his voice.

 

“The roof of Mark and Greg’s building, can we use it for camouflage or should we use the one on the other side?”

 

“He was actually paying attention?”  Clint asks.

 

“I was.  So?”

 

“One on the other side.  Ours only has the generator on the left side.”  Greg says looking up from his book.

 

“Thanks Teach,”

 

“Although that building’s been condemned for about the last ten years so you might want to try the one across the street.  Most you’re going to have to deal with up there is Melissa’s Barbie dream house.  Or so Bucky says.”  Greg says.

 

“Bucky talks to you about stuff like that?”  Steve says amazed.

 

“Last month when he was having the set back.  It was actually to Gracie.  I had my earbuds in so I don’t think he thought I was paying attention.  Don’t tell him all right.  He’d freak out.  Thought for sure we’d demand you guys never hang out with us again.”

 

“I won’t say a word.  All right we use the roof of the building across the street.”

 

“What about the rear of the building.”

 

“I’ve got that covered.”  Sam says coming into the room.

 

“Sorry I’m late.  Had to drop Peggy off at an old friend’s.”

 

“So she finally got a hold of Angie.”  Sharron says going over and pecking Sam on the lips.  Steve smiles and mouths ‘we’ll talk later’ to Sam.

 

“All right now that the gang’s all here let’s roll.”  Tony says calling the suit to him as he walks.  Steve looks over at Mark and Greg who are properly impressed.

 

They arrive back at the tower just before midnight.  Steve feels like hell.  He brushes off Pepper’s attempt to help him. He gets down to his apartment to find Gracie sitting outside his door.  He pets her as he enters and lets her follow him in.  He goes to shower after sending a quick text to Mark letting him know where she is.

 

He hears the bathroom door open and goes on alert.  His shield is against the wall by the front door.  He’s soaking wet and a hairbrush isn’t much of a weapon.  He’s also got shampoo in his hair which he has to get out before he can open his eyes.  Then he feels the cool metal of Bucky’s left arm go around his waist.  He sags against him.

 

“Hi.”  He breathes out turning so he can kiss him.

 

“Hey.”  Bucky says once they break the kiss.

 

“I’m not dreaming this right, you’re really here?”  To answer Bucky grabs the body wash and slicks up one of his fingers before entering Steve slowly.

 

“Feel like a dream now?”

 

“Actually. Buck… more.”  Steve says with a moan.

 

“Smart ass.”  Bucky says as Steve comes all over his hand.

 

“You love me.”

 

“I do.  Now come on I want to cuddle.”  Bucky says turning the water off.

 

“How did it go?”  Bucky asks once they’re settled in bed.  Gracie has hopped up and is laying at the foot.

 

“We got the one next to Mark and Greg’s.  What’s left of SHIELD took care of the others.”  Steve says, and to Bucky he sounds off.

 

“Steve, I’m okay.  I’m right here.  I’m with you and I’m okay.”  Bucky says holding him a little tighter.

 

“I know.  I just… Seeing it all.  God Buck I don’t know how you survived it.  But then you’ve always been the strongest person I know.”  Steve says turning so he can kiss him.  Then he cuddles into Bucky’s side and relaxes, letting sleep finally claim him.

 

When Steve wakes the next morning he’s alone in bed, but there’s a plate of food on a tray next to the bed and he can hear Bucky talking to Mark in the living room.  Mark’s apologizing for Gracie.  He throws a pair of sweats on and heads out of the bedroom, but not before grabbing a piece of bacon off his plate.

 

“You know you don’t have to apologize right?”  Steve says wrapping himself around Bucky from behind.

 

“I do.  So disaster averted?”

 

“It was.  No damage to any of the buildings in the neighborhood.  Not even the condemned one.  SHIELD should have it cleared out by later this afternoon.  I ordered them to take care of that one first.  I wanted everyone to be able to go home as soon as possible.  Although, where does one get Barbies and dream houses and cars for them.  There might have been a bit of an accident.”  Steve says moving to Bucky’s side.

 

“Oh you’re a dead man.  Melissa is going to kill you.”  Mark and Bucky burst out laughing at the look on Steve’s face.

 

“Punk, we’re kidding.  Melissa’s not going to care as long as you replace it.  I’ll take care of it.  You just leave everything to me.”  Bucky says kissing Steve’s temple.

 

Mark takes his leave with Gracie a few minutes later and Steve goes back to finish his breakfast.  They end up spending a lazy day around the tower with everyone.  Tony insists on taking them all out for dinner.  Then everyone heads for home.

 

The rest of October goes by quickly and to no one in the neighborhood’s surprise there are a bunch of Winter Soldiers come Halloween.  Bucky’s not completely comfortable with it but he seems to take it in stride.  It helps that the local news seems to paint him as the big hero whenever he helps with taking out HYDRA bases.  Even Fox paints him in a positive light every now and then.  November seems to fly by and is much the same.  There’s one or two close calls with HYDRA but the Avengers still manage to shut them down.  Steve still worries though.  They have no idea what the phrase HYDRA has is or who’s left that knows it. 

 

A week before Thanksgiving Mark comes to see Steve.  Steve thinks it’s for the show.  It’s not.  He wants to invite them both to dinner at their place.  When Steve doesn’t answer he apologizes and says it was a stupid idea; that he probably already has plans.

 

“We don’t actually.  I’m just…. I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that Bucky and I are going to be together again for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Are you sure we wouldn’t be intruding?”

 

“My parents are going on a cruise.  Greg’s are in Florida and his homophobic bitch of an aunt is going to be there this year.  Abbi’s agreed to make her apple pie. She said something about a sweet potato pie as well.  Greg was kind of hoping Bucky would do those mashed potatoes of his.  We’ve got a big enough turkey. So what do you say?”

 

“He says we’d love to.  It’s really great of you to invite us.  And of course Bucky will make the mashed potatoes Greg loves.  But that we aren’t going to make it till afternoon because we’re going to the Macy’s parade.”  Bucky says coming in.

 

“Uh, Bucky I know you probably did that before.  But given how you are with crowds, I’m going to suggest you come to our place at 9 and we all watch it on TV.”  Mark says.

 

“No can do.  I’ve got the best spot in town.  I am after all an Avenger. We’ve got ourselves a float this year.  I already told Tony we had plans so we don’t have to do dinner with them all, so thanks for not making me a liar.”

 

“A float.  Is he insane?”  Steve asks, shaking his head.

 

“I don’t think so. Come on Steve it’ll be fun.”  Bucky says grinning.

 

“All right, we’ll be at your place around two?”  Steve says resigning himself to the fact he’s been out voted on the float idea.

 

“Sounds good see you then.  And be prepared for Melissa to want to hear all about it.  If you could swing a Santa autograph she’d probably love you forever.”  Mark says heading for the door.

 

“Doesn’t she already.  I overheard her telling one of her friends she wanted to marry Bucky when she grew up.”  Steve says with a chuckle as he walks him out.

 

“Mark?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Thanks for this.  It means a lot.”

 

“It’s no trouble.  See you Thursday.”

 

Thanksgiving arrives and Steve has to bite his tongue so he doesn’t say ‘I told you so’ the float is the worst idea.  Bucky is a nervous wreck, Bruce is barely able to contain the Hulk, which then leads to everyone chanting for the Hulk.  The only person who seems to be enjoying themselves is Tony.  Steve is miserable.  All of this hoopla reminds him of when he was on the USO circuit.  He is going to strangle Tony the first chance he gets.

 

After their time in the parade is done Bucky clings to Steve’s side.  They opt to head for home as soon as they can and not wait till the end.  It means they’ll have a little time to themselves before heading to Mark and Greg’s.  He panics at the thought of having to get on the subway so they drive back to Brooklyn in a car they borrow from Tony.  Pepper apologizes more than she really should have to for what Tony’s done.  They get back to the apartment and Bucky pulls Steve into the bedroom then curls up on top of him.

 

“Stevie, I feel like crap.”

 

“I know, handsome.  You want me to call Mark. Tell him we’re not coming?”

 

“We’ve got a couple hours right?”

 

“Yeah, it’s only noon.  I told him we’d be there at two.”

 

“Okay.”  Bucky says.

 

“Steve?”  Bucky says half an hour later.

 

“Hmmm?”

 

“Thanks.”

 

“For?”

 

“Not saying ‘I told you so.’  You knew today was gonna be a bad idea.”

 

“It’s not that.  I just know how you are in crowds.  But I also know how important it is for you that you get asked to do these things.  Which for the record is the only reason I went along with it.  How are you feeling?”

 

“Better.  I’m going to go shower.  I love you.”

 

“Love you too.”  Steve says kissing him softly.  Bucky kisses him one more time then heads to the shower.

 

“Steve have you heard a word I’ve said?”  Bucky asks once he’s out of the shower. 

 

“When did you put pants on?”  Steve asks, shaking his head slightly.

 

“Okay wait, I’m the one who’s supposed to have issues with losing chunks of time.  You all right?”

 

“Your hair and your… I’m just going to go hop in the shower.  Back in a bit.”  Steve says rushing past him.

 

“Steve, how many times I gotta tell you getting turned on isn’t anything to be embarrassed about.”

 

“I just stared so hard at you I have no idea what you said.  And I didn’t even realize you’d put pants on.”   Bucky goes over and cups his face then kisses him softly,  When he pulls away Steve still feels dazed.  But he’s smiling.

 

“Now you can go get ready.”

 

They arrive at Mark and Greg’s an hour earlier than they planned but everyone is already there so it all works out.  Bucky heads straight for the kitchen to see if Mark needs any help.  Steve settles in and watches the football game until Melissa climbs up into his lap and starts to ask him about the parade. She seems upset that they didn’t stay to meet Santa until Steve says Bucky wanted to get home.  At that she’s off Steve’s lap and into the kitchen hugging Bucky’s legs.

 

“Peanut, what’s the matter?”  He asks looking down.

 

“Steve sad you got scared at the parade and wanted to come home.”

 

“That’s not what I said.  I said Bucky wanted to come home.”

 

“Mark you got this?”  Bucky asks.

 

“Yeah go on.  I’ll let you know when I need you.”

 

“All right come on peanut.  Let’s go.”  Bucky says scooping her up, causing her to squeal with delight.

 

“You comin’?”  Steve shakes his head.

 

“How off the mark was she?”  Mark asks.

 

“Got it in one.”  It was a disaster.  Not that Stark will ever admit it.”

 

“Is the Avengers PR really in that much trouble?”

 

“No.  We’re actually doing pretty well all things considered.”

 

“You still want to exclude them from the show right?”

 

“I do.  I also was thinking about including some of my pieces from before the war in the exhibit.  You okay with that?”

 

“Steve this is your show we can do whatever you want.  However, you want.  If you want to bring the other job into it, we can too.  Just one thing, we’re going to have to move it to the beginning of the year.  We’ve got events the rest of the year scheduled.  I moved to the January.

 

“January works.  I don’t want to bring the other job into it.  But I found this one of Bucky I did before the war and there’s one I’ve done of him more recently I think they’d contrast each other well.  But I don’t know if he’d be comfortable with me including him in it.”

 

“Well, just let me know.  Okay we need him in here now.”

 

Dinner goes well and everyone raves about the mashed potatoes.  Bucky just beams.  After everything is cleaned up and everyone has gone home Bucky and Steve stick around just to hang out with Mark and Greg.  It ends up being a nice night.  They get home later than either one of them thought they would and collapse on the couch.

 

“I think I’m going to be in food coma for days.”  Steve says groaning slightly.

 

“Well maybe you shouldn’t have had that third piece of apple pie.  It’s not like Abbi wouldn’t make you one.”

 

“Shut up and kiss me.”

 

‘Yes sir, Captain America, sir.”  Bucky says shifting to kiss him.

 

“Knock it off wise guy.”  Steve says laughing into the kiss.  They trade lazy kisses for the rest of the night until Steve snuggles in and falls asleep.

 

“Love you, Stevie.”  Bucky says before drifting off himself.

 

The first snowfall of the year hits the Sunday after Thanksgiving.  And as November becomes December Steve starts thinking about where they’re going to put the Christmas tree, and how they’re going to decorate the apartment.  It’s the second Friday in December when Jaime asks them if they’d be willing to come with her to get the tree.  Bucky is almost more excited than Steve.  Almost.

 

Steve’s always loved this time of year.  This year it’s even more important to him. Bucky’s come back to him.  He smiles at the thought while looking around the Christmas tree lot, Bucky’s off a bit ahead of picking out a tree for the apartment.  Steve watches him for a minute, and then goes off to find Jaime and her friends.  He helps them get it loaded onto the roof of their car and tells them to drive safe.  That earns him an eye roll, but it gets him a quick hug too.  He goes to find Bucky and is surprised to find him helping a family tie the tree he’d been looking at to their car. 

 

“Thought for sure we were going to be taking that one home,” he says coming up and putting his arm around Bucky’s waist.

 

“We were, but well, their little girl really wanted the tree.  And I just… well… we can find another one.”

 

“We can.  Come on I found one over here,” Steve says taking his hand.

 

“Steve this tree is missing half its branches,” Bucky says in a tone that says, ‘we are not getting this tree.’

 

“I like it.  It reminds me of the tree we had the Christmas before the war, when it was just you and me.  And we…” Bucky kisses him.

 

“And we strung popcorn on it for decoration.  All right, punk, we’ll get this one.  You’re a sap you know that, Rogers.”

 

“You love me anyway.”

 

“I do,” Bucky says pecking him lightly on the lips.

 

Steve beams at him.  This is what he’d always dreamed of once he woke up in the future.  And then Bucky came home and things were rough.  There had been times Steve wasn’t sure there was light at the end of the tunnel.  But standing here now, buying the first Christmas tree they’ve bought together in over seventy odd years he realizes everything this summer got them here.  So, he supposes, in a way, it was worth it.

 

“Stevie, you’re thinking too loud again,” Bucky says pulling him back to the present.

 

“Sorry.  Come on I want hot chocolate.”

 

“Marshmallows and whipped cream?”  Bucky asks, and Steve just nods ignoring the look on his face.  If he doesn’t he’s going to get angry about it all over again.

 

“Hey, punk, what’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing.  I’m all right.”

 

“You’re also a horrible liar.  I wasn’t asking in that ‘can I have those’ way, at least I didn’t mean it that way.  I meant ‘I’m getting those on mine.  You want those on yours too’ kind of way,” Bucky says squeezing his hand lightly.

 

“Oh.  Come on.  Let’s go get the hot chocolate.  I’m pretty sure they’ll hold the tree for us.”

 

“We could always pay for it, then swing back to pick it up after.”

 

The manager agrees to have it tied to the roof of Sam’s SUV by the time they get back with their hot chocolate.  Steve’s fairly sure they’ve gotten a better deal on the tree than they should have.  He just can’t tell if it’s because he’s Captain America or if it’s because no one was going to buy their tree anyway.  Bucky gives him a look that says ‘don’t question it.’  They go and get hot chocolate.  Bucky insists on paying, saying Steve paid for the tree.  Steve just shakes his head but lets him. 

 

They get home and find Jaime and her friends having a horrible time getting Abbi’s tree into the building.  Bucky tells them to get out of the way, and then picks it up with his left hand, throws it over that shoulder and brings it upstairs.  Jaime and her friends’ chuckle at the noise Steve makes.  He has the decency to blush furiously.  When Bucky comes back downstairs he asks what’s going on.  The girls just giggle and dash up to help Abbi put the tree where she wants it.

 

“You want to explain that… oh… really, Rogers?  That get you all flustered?”  Bucky teases.

 

“Shut up, Barnes.  Come on we’ve still got to get our tree upstairs.  Then I’ve got to go bring the SUV back to Sam.”

 

“Yes sir, Captain America sir,” Bucky teases again. 

 

Any retort Steve is going to give gets swallowed in the kiss Bucky gives him.  Steve thinks that if kiss could be filled with promises of things to come than it would be this one.  He moans into it and presses himself up against Bucky.  Bucky pulls away with a peck on the lips and rests their foreheads together.

 

“As much as I’d love to ravish you in the doorway, I’m pretty sure everyone else in the building wouldn’t appreciate it.  Now come on.  You go up and unlock the door. I’ve got the tree.  Least this thing is good for something,” Bucky says.  It’s light and if Steve didn’t know Bucky better he’d think he was making a joke.

 

“Hey,” Steve says cupping his cheek.

 

“I’m fine.  Really.  Go on.”  To Steve’s surprise the smile reaches Bucky’s eyes; and Steve thinks maybe he was making a joke.

 

The rest of the day is spent decorating the tree. By the time they’re done its dark out and Steve decides to just leave it on.  Sinatra is singing  _I’ll Be Home for Christmas_ in the living room.   Bucky’s in the kitchen fixing them dinner and Steve smiles at the fact he’s singing along with the Christmas music while cooking.  He watches from the doorway for a second before he has to go into the bedroom, suddenly overcome with emotions.  He sits on the bed and stares at the pictures of them above the mantle not sure what’s wrong.  That’s where Bucky finds him half an hour later when he comes to get him for dinner.

 

“Stevie?”  Bucky asks crouching down in front of him.

 

“Hold me,” Steve requests.  Bucky hops up and sits next to him and takes him into his arms.

 

“You all right, punk?”  Steve shakes his head.

 

“I didn’t think I was ever going to have this.  Not now.  And then you came back and I still wasn’t sure.  I mean…” Bucky kisses him softly.

 

“Sorry.  I’m ruining the mood.”

 

“Nah. But come on.  Dinner’s ready.”

 

“I love you.”

 

“Love you too,” Bucky says standing and pulling Steve up with him.  He kisses him softly and then leads him to the living room. 

 

“You tryin’ to romance me Sergeant?”  Steve asks when he sees the living room.  Bucky’s added a few candles to go with the tree lights.

 

“What if I am Captain?”

 

“It’s working,” Steve says as he sits down on the floor.

 

They have dinner and Bucky cleans up quick then he goes back out into the living room and pulls Steve into his lap on the couch.  Steve stretches out a bit and they cuddle while looking at the tree.  Just letting themselves be.  Bucky kisses Steve’s shoulder or neck occasionally and Steve snuggles in every once in a while.

 

“So what does my best guy want this year for Christmas?”  Bucky asks.

 

“I don’t know.  I mean I got my Christmas present really early this year.  You know, Pepper asked me that first year I was back if I wanted anything.  Tony insisted we all come to the tower for Christmas.  I told her she couldn’t get me what I wanted.  I was pretty sure no one could.  She dropped it, Tony of course pressed the issue.  I snapped at him.  Asked him if he could build a time machine.  Everyone was there.  I stormed off.  Nat came and found me.  I told her what I wanted was you.  I just wanted you back.  Not that she understood how I meant.  She told me recently she thought I just meant my best friend and she kicked herself when she realized what I really meant. I’m surprised the Sinatra record doesn’t have a hole in it where ‘I’ll be Home for Christmas’ is I played it so much that year,” Steve finishes quietly.

 

“Stevie,” Bucky says kissing the back of his neck.

 

“Sorry.  I’m ruining the mood again.”

 

“Nah.  Well, now that you’ve got me back, there’s nothing else you want?”

 

“Just you.”

 

“I’m on my own got it.”

 

“What about you?”  Steve asks.

 

“A quiet day, just us.  I don’t think I’m up to having everyone around.  Not this year.  I want to be a little selfish have you to myself.  I was thinking we could exchange gifts with everyone the Saturday before Christmas.  Have a dinner party here.  But I just want you to myself for Christmas.”

 

“We are such saps,” Steve says with a chuckle.

 

“Yeah we are,” Bucky says chuckling himself.

 

“Looks like I’m on my own then too.  I don’t know how you’re going to top my birthday anyway.”

 

“I’ll think of something.  You okay?”  Bucky asks kissing the back of Steve’s neck again.

 

“Yeah.  I don’t know what that was.  Just got to be too much for a second.  This is gonna sound stupid but I keep thinking I’m going to wake up and it’s going to have all been a dream.  Even after all this time.  Like I said stupid.”

 

“Doesn’t sound stupid.  It’s why I get so clingy sometimes.  If I’m touching you I know you’re really here.  I know I made it home.”

 

Before Steve can respond there’s a knock at the door.  He gets up and opens it to find almost all of the kids in the neighborhood there.  They want to invite him out for a snowball fight.  Joe, who’s one of the older kids, says they figured with him being sick all the time, he probably never got to have a snowball fight.  Steve tries to beg off, wanting to spend the night with Bucky curled up on the couch.  Bucky however, is standing behind him putting his coat on him before grabbing his own. 

 

They head out and Steve wonders when it started snowing.  A few of the kids tell him this afternoon.  Melissa’s snowballs aren’t reaching very far at all so Bucky goes over and shows her how to pack it really tight.  Then he throws it for her, hitting Steve square in the face.  Steve answers by throwing one at Bucky and soon the two of them are engaged in their own snowball fight.  The kids all make a circle around them with half rooting for Steve and the other half rooting for Bucky.  It goes on for an hour before the kids are being called inside.  Bucky throws one last one then pulls Steve by the scarf in for a kiss.  Steve thinks it’s filled with that promise of things to come.

 

“Let’s get back upstairs, jerk,” Steve says, and blushes at the sound of his voice.

 

“Yeah.  Yeah, come on.”  Bucky says breathlessly.

 

Steve pulls Bucky inside and kisses him as they go up the stairs.  He barely gets the door open before Bucky’s yanking his jacket off.  Clothes get strewn throughout the living room.  They make it to the bedroom and Steve puts the brakes on.  He doesn’t want to rush this. Bucky kisses him softly and rests their foreheads together.  Steve runs his fingers through Bucky’s hair, loving that he’s let it grow out again.  Bucky arches into the touch and moans when Steve massages his scalp a bit.

 

“Come on, handsome.  Let’s go take a bath.  I’ll wash your hair.”

 

“Steve, I’m okay.  I am.”

 

“Yeah, well maybe I want to pamper you a bit.”

 

“Okay, if you insist,” Bucky says, but Steve hears the silent ‘thank you for knowing me so well’ at the end.  He kisses him softly.

 

The rest of the night Steve spends showing Bucky how much he loves him.  Bucky curls around Steve later and rests his head over his heart and kisses him softly.  This time Steve lets the ‘thank you’ slide.  He knows Bucky was with him the whole time.  That it wasn’t like the past summer. 

 

They wake the following morning and Bucky insists on returning the favor.  Then he makes Steve chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast.  Draws him a bath.  Steve drags him into it with him and they end up spending the day in bed.  Bucky gets up and makes them lunch and then dinner but for the most part it’s just a quiet day at home.

 

The month goes like that, the two of them reveling in just being with each other, and soon it’s almost Christmas.  Steve still has yet to figure out what to get Bucky and he’s fairly certain Bucky’s just as lost when it comes to him.  They’ve got gifts for everyone else and the party is set for Saturday night.  Steve is pacing the living room trying to think of  _something_  to get Bucky when his phone rings.

 

“Hello?”  Steve says, it’s not a number he recognizes.

 

“Captain Rogers, this is Vicki, Jaime’s friend.  I’m at Macy’s with Bucky.  You might want to get down here.  I mean he’s okay.  But not.  Store was a little more crowded than he expected I think.  He’s not really saying.  Jaime and I’ll stay with him till you get here.”

 

“I’ll be there soon as I can.  Thanks.”

 

 He gets to the store forty-five minutes later.  Bucky’s sitting at the Starbucks on the third floor.  Vicki and Jaime are sitting with him and he’s talking to both of them; trying to get them to go finish their shopping.  He goes over and drops a kiss to the top of Bucky’s head.

 

“Stevie,” Bucky breathes out.  Steve thinks he sounds a bit relieved.

 

“You’re safe.  I’m right here.  I’ve got you.  I love you,” Steve says, using the one thing that’s always gotten through to him.

 

“Can we go home?  Too many people,” Bucky says; and while it’s clipped sentences it’s not exactly the Soldier.

 

“Course we can, handsome, come on.  Girls, I don’t know how to thank you.”

 

“No biggie.  You sure you’re gonna be okay, Bucky?”  Vicki asks.  To Steve she seems reluctant to leave.

 

“I’ll be okay now, yeah.  Thanks you two.”

 

“You’re sure?”  Jaime asks.

 

“Positive.  Go on.  Go finish you’re shopping.  Thanks for staying till Steve got here.”

 

“Knock it off Barnes,” Vicki says giving his shoulder a slight squeeze.

 

“Sorry, Bucky, I know she can be a bit much,” Jaime says.   Bucky just waves them off with a smile.

 

Steve takes Vicki’s vacated seat and takes Bucky’s hand.  He rubs over it with his thumb until Bucky looks over at him.  He then goes to stand but Bucky keeps him where he is.

 

“Thought you wanted to go home.”

 

“Let me just calm down a bit more.  Shit.  Steve I haven’t… it hasn’t been that bad in a while.  It came out of nowhere.  I don’t even know when Jaime and… her friend showed up.  I don’t remember them getting me here.”

 

“You want to stop at the tower, talk to Sam or Bruce?”

 

“No.  I’m okay now.  Though the shopping trip was a bust in more ways than one.  I still don’t have anything for you.  And if this is what happens you’re not going to get anything.”

 

“We need to find a mirror.  Cause I already told you I got my Christmas present really early this year.”

 

“Sap.”

 

“Love you too, Buck.”

 

“Excuse me,” someone says suddenly.

 

Steve turns to find one of the sales girls standing in front of their table.  She’s holding a bag, which she hands to Bucky.  She explains that he’d bought something but then the panic attack hit and Jaime and Vicki had been so focused on getting him somewhere that they forgot to grab it. 

 

“Thanks,” Bucky says taking the bag.

 

“No problem.  I put the receipt in the bag for you.  Have a merry Christmas.”

 

“You too.  Thanks again.” 

 

“Why do I get the feeling you were already having the attack and you have no idea what you bought?”

 

“Because you’re right.  All right, let’s take a peek.”

 

“No!  Just wrap whatever it is up.  I’m sure it’ll be fine.  You ready to go?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

That night Steve worries Bucky’s going to have nightmares but he sleeps straight through until he wakes up for their morning run.  Which now that it’s winter they’ve turned into a walk through the neighborhood before stopping at the Starbucks to grab coffee.  Bucky kisses him softly then hops out of bed.  He pauses when he realizes Steve hasn’t moved. 

 

“You… Oh Stevie.  You stay here and sleep.  I’ll bring you back something,” Bucky says quietly, before kissing a sleeping Steve’s forehead.

 

He goes into the closet in the hall first and checks the Macy’s bag.  It’s not as bad as he thought.  Though he’s not sure he’s got the size right.  It looks like it might be a tad too small.  Then again these days Steve likes his shirts small, so it may be just right.   He puts it back in the hiding spot, which if he’s honest isn’t much of one, though Steve’s promised not to peek, and heads for Starbucks.

 

Bucky gets back to Steve on the phone with someone. Bucky smiles because Steve’s trying to come up with something to get him for Christmas.  He wonders when Steve’s going to realize he could just get him a paper sack filled with snow that would melt five minutes after it came inside and he’d be happy.  He goes over and puts Steve’s coffee on the table then kisses his cheek before disappearing into the bedroom.

 

Bucky shuts the door and locks it then goes into his top dresser drawer.  He pulls out a black box and opens it.  He’s still amazed they were found.  He doesn’t remember the fall.  But he could have sworn he’d had them with him.  They’re going to need to be cleaned up though.  He’s just not sure where he can get it done.  He grabs his phone and calls Pepper.  As much as he’d like to do this on his own, he wants someone he knows is good.

 

“Good morning, you.  I just got off the phone with your other half,” Pepper says by way of greeting.

 

“I figured.  Look, I managed to get something from the Smithsonian.  I need to get it cleaned up a bit.  Any chance you know someone in Manhattan who could do it on short notice?”

 

“Actually, I have someone right in Brooklyn for you.  West End Jewelers.  Tell them I sent you.  You should have it by Christmas that way.  If not, I’m sure you can figure something out.”

 

“I can yeah.  So you planning on giving me a hint?”

 

“Not a chance.  Talk to you both on Saturday.”

 

The rest of the week Bucky barely sees Steve during the day.  But every night he comes in arms full of bags.  Bucky says nothing.  It’s two days before the party when Steve finally asks if they’re going to exchange gifts with each other at the party too.

 

“Nah.  I was thinking we could just do it Christmas Day.  We already told Pepper we weren’t going to the tower for dinner anyway.  Unless you wanted to.”

 

“No, Christmas day is fine.  Come cuddle?”  Steve asks.  Bucky goes and settles in his arms.

 

“You okay?”  Bucky asks.  Something’s been off with Steve and he can’t figure out what.

 

“Just want to cuddle my fella in front of the fire, jerk.”

 

“Steve, I know you better than I know myself.  Something’s bugging you.” 

 

Steve kisses him in response and Bucky thinks maybe Steve really did just want to cuddle by the fire.  They fall asleep trading lazy kisses.  Bucky wakes an hour or so later to find the fire’s burned itself out.  He cuddles Steve even closer and goes back to sleep.

 

The day of the party arrives and Bucky is more nervous than he expected to be.  Steve tries to ‘help’ and Bucky ends up kicking him out of the apartment for the rest of the afternoon.  Steve gets back just as everyone is settling in.  His arms are loaded down with packages.  Bucky pecks him on the lips and says nothing.

 

“Everything looks perfect,” Steve says coming behind Bucky and wrapping his arms around him.

 

“Yeah.  Food seems to be going over pretty well too,” Bucky says quietly.  Steve kisses the back of his neck and Bucky settles against him.

 

“Love you,” Steve whispers into his skin.

 

“Get a room would you?”  Tony calls from across the room.

 

“Shut it, Stark,” Nat warns as she winks at them.

 

“I think it’s sweet,” Jane says, smiling as Thor drops a kiss on the top of her head.

 

Gifts are exchanged and the only one not happy with theirs is Tony.  He says he thought for sure they were all only getting invitations.  Everyone else groans and hits him.  Bucky goes into the bedroom without anyone noticing, or so he thinks.

 

“Buck?”  Steve asks coming into the room.

 

“I’m fine,” Bucky’s lying through his teeth he knows.  He hopes Steve doesn’t.

 

“I know we haven’t talked about it since the summer, but I still want that.”

 

“You do?”  Bucky asks, surprised. 

 

“Course I do.  Buck, it’s always been you.  Peggy knew it.  Look, after… well… after you fell, she came to me said she loved me enough for both of us.  Said she’d marry me.  She knew I loved her, even if it wasn’t in the same way I loved you.  I just… well I wanted to give you time to figure out who you are now.  I’m sorry if I made you think…” the rest of what Steve’s going to say is swallowed in the kiss Bucky gives him. 

 

“Ready to head back out there?” Steve asks when Bucky pulls away.

 

“Yeah.  Look, I’m sorry…” Steve quiets Bucky with a kiss.

 

“Don’t.  It’s okay.  I love you.”

 

“Love you too.” 

 

They head back into the living room to find everyone but Sam gone.  Sam’s just putting the rest of the food into the fridge when they come into the kitchen.  Bucky frowns.

 

 “Snow’s getting worse.  I only stuck around because I knew you guys would let me crash on the couch.  And Sharron said she needed to finish wrapping gifts so going to her place was out.”

 

“Oh.  Yeah of course you can.   I’ll…” Steve kisses him softly.

 

“It’s okay.  Deep breath okay.  Why don’t you go hop in the shower?  I’ll get stuff for Sam.”

 

“Steve,” Bucky says cuddling into him a bit.  Steve notices Sam go into the hall and get the things to make up the couch himself.

 

“You all right?”  Steve asks concerned.

 

“Yeah. I’m gonna go shower.  Clear my head a bit.”

 

“Wait just one second.  I love you,” Steve says kissing him again.

 

“I love you,” Bucky says when they part.

 

“That been happening a lot?”  Sam asks, once Bucky’s in the other room.

 

“No.  He had a panic attack at Macy’s the other day.  He’s been a bit off since then.”

 

“You know Tony didn’t mean to pressure you guys right?  We just all thought you would have asked him and set a date.”

 

“Let me guess he and Clint have a bet going,” Steve says angrily.

 

“Yeah.  Although, with the way Bruce flared up tonight, I’m almost convinced it got called off.”

 

“Did the big guy come out?”

 

“No, but his eyes went green.  He was about to.”

 

“How did you all calm him down?”

 

“Pepper.”

 

“Of course,” Sam chuckles softly at the tone in Steve’s voice then outright laughs at the glare that earns him.

 

“Uh oh Sam what did you say?  That’s his ‘I’m going to kick your ass face’.  Got to admit I’ve missed it,” Bucky says coming out of the bedroom in sweats and a hoodie.

 

“A bet.  They made a bet,” Steve mutters under his breath, going over and resting against Bucky.

 

“Sam, we’re going to say good night,” Bucky says leading Steve into the bedroom.

 

“Come here,” Bucky says once he’s settled on the bed.

 

Steve curls into Bucky and kisses him.  He shifts so he can hold him and then smiles into Bucky’s hair.  Bucky goes to grab a hair tie from his night stand but Steve stops him.  They lay wrapped around each other in silence for a bit and Bucky thinks Steve’s fallen asleep when he speaks quietly.

 

“I can’t believe them.”

 

“Stevie, relax.  It’s all harmless.  We’ll just take the money for us.  Or we’ll get Pepper and Nat to gang up on them and put it towards the wedding.  No harm done.”

 

“You’re not…” Bucky kisses him.

 

“Stevie, it’s okay.  I’m okay.”

 

“You just…. I don’t want you to feel pressured.”

 

“I don’t.  They’re idiots.  I know you’ll wait.  And it’s not that I don’t want to.  I do.  I just want to be more comfortable.  Not have panic attacks in major department stores.”

 

“I think that makes you perfectly normal.  I ran into the sales girl from Macy’s earlier.  She asked if you were okay.  I told her crowds bothered you.  She said she completely understood.  Said that’s why she shops super early in the morning.  And never on the weekends.  Said to tell you during the week in the morning was better.”

 

“I’ll have to remember that for Valentine’s Day,” Bucky says shifting so he can kiss Steve.

 

“Get some sleep, handsome,” Steve says when they part.

 

“Not sleepy.  Want to cuddle.”

 

Steve smiles at the fact Bucky’s already half asleep.  He kisses him softly and shifts to hold him more.  Bucky wakes with a start at three.  There’s someone in the apartment.  He’s about to go on alert when he remembers Sam stayed over.  He wraps himself more around Steve, who runs a soothing hand through Bucky’s hair even though he’s still sleeping.

 

The next morning Sam’s gone when Bucky emerges from the bedroom.  Steve’s up wrapping presents in the living room and jumps to hide everything.  Bucky wanders into the kitchen laughing as he does so.  Steve beams at his back, even though he can’t see it.

 

“Punk, tell me you didn’t try to cook in my kitchen,” Bucky calls over his shoulder.

 

“Course not Buck.  Sam just scrambled up some eggs,” Steve says, but Bucky can tell by his tone he’s lying.

 

“Want to try that one again?”  Bucky says leaning into the doorway.  Steve gulps.

 

“I was trying to be a good host.  Sam wanted eggs so….  How bad did I screw up?”

 

“C’mere,” Bucky says crooking his finger.  Steve goes to him immediately.  There’s something in Bucky’s eyes.  Steve can’t put his finger on what it is, but he likes it.

 

When Steve reaches him Bucky kisses him senseless.  Steve leans against Bucky for a second before looking at him.  Steve isn’t sure he likes that look.  Bucky takes his hand and steers him into the kitchen.

 

“All right, let’s see what you’ve learned.  Make me some scrambled eggs.”

 

Steve smiles and does so.  But he makes an omelet instead.  Bucky is impressed.  He arches a brow at Steve, who just smiles back at him.  Bucky finishes his breakfast and sets about doing dishes. Steve goes back to wrapping presents.  By the time he’s done the tree has a good haul underneath it. 

 

“You don’t think you might have gone overboard do you?”  Bucky asks later that night, when they’re snuggled up on the couch.

 

“Nope.  Have a lot of time to make up for.”

 

“I need to go back out tomorrow morning then.  Wasn’t aware we were getting each other gifts for every year we missed.”

 

“Buck, you… I can return…” Bucky kisses him softly.

 

“Don’t.  It’s all right.  I just wasn’t expecting you to do all this.  I can handle it.  I’ll just get to the stores early enough that the crowds won’t be a problem.  And I can always call one of the girls to go with me.”

 

Bucky ends up going out on Christmas Eve.  Steve worries because he knows how crowded the stores can be.  But he knows the pile under the tree has grown quite a bit since the day he put his gifts under.  When Bucky gets back late in the afternoon, looking exhausted and with only a bag in each hand he wonders what took so long.  But he doesn’t say anything.  He goes over to Abbi’s for a bit to see about getting her to come for dinner.  When they get back Bucky’s cooking and the pile looks even larger.  Steve shakes his head in amazement. 

 

They have dinner with their friends from the neighborhood.  Melissa gives them pictures she’s drawn of the two of them.  Bucky immediately puts them on the fridge causing her to giggle. Everyone heads home at varying points of the night.  Steve marvels at the fact that Bucky is the perfect host.  It’s not something he would have pictured he doesn’t think for the two of them years ago but he realizes that’s one of the good things about having woke up in the future.  The fact that he and Bucky don’t have to hide how much they love each other.  

 

“So what had you looking so serious earlier?”  Bucky asks once everyone’s gone and they’re settled on the couch cuddled up by the fire.

 

“The night of the expo you told me you were taking me to the future.  Did you ever think we’d have this?”

 

“No.  But then I thought we’d have flying cars so it shows you what I know.”  Steve chuckles and kisses him softly.

 

“You want to move to bed?”  Bucky asks.

 

“Yeah, come on handsome if we don’t get to sleep Santa won’t come.”

 

Bucky throws his head back and laughs then pecks Steve on the lips as he pulls him off the couch.  They get comfortable and bed and trade lazy kisses.  It doesn’t surprise Steve that Bucky falls asleep before he does.

 

 He wakes the next morning to Ella singing Christmas songs and the smell of breakfast.  Bucky brings him his coffee and then sets breakfast out on the coffee table.  Steve can’t believe the amount of food and wonders out loud if Bucky’s planning on inviting people over after all.

 

 “Shut it, punk.  This is called… well…. I…. um…” Steve kisses him.

 

 “You okay?”

 

 “I think so?  I mean I don’t feel like I had an episode.  But then I did cook enough to feed us and all the Commandos so who knows.”

 

 “It’s fine.  I mean I wasn’t planning on eating again till dinner anyway.  Cause I know you’ve got a feast planned for that.”

 

“I do.  You sure it’s okay?”  Bucky asks a bit nervous.

 

“It’s perfect.  I was just surprised is all,” Steve says, kissing him senseless. When they part Bucky’s smiling widely.

 

 “So, I say we have breakfast then start opening these gifts.  Otherwise we might be here till New Years.  I think we might have overdone it,” Steve says with a chuckle.

 

 Bucky just kisses him.  They finish more of the food than Steve thought they would.  They wrap up the leftovers then start on the gifts.  Bucky makes Steve open what he’s come to think of as the “panic attack” sweater first.  Steve has him open one and to Bucky’s surprise it’s the same sweater in a different color.   Bucky can’t help but laugh at that.

 

 Steve gets him one of Tony’s tablets.  Bucky gets Steve a laptop.  And while Steve thinks it’s a bit much he doesn’t really complain.  There’s clothes, and Bucky gets Steve the watch he’s had his eye on.  Steve gets Bucky the pots and pans set he’s been debating buying (‘Stevie they’re way too expensive’) as well as a few cookbooks.  They hit the middle of the pile and Bucky starts to sense a theme every box is empty.  He arches a brow at Steve but doesn’t say anything because Steve arches his own brow.  Finally, they’re down to two gifts each.  They’re small and Bucky insists Steve open one before the other.  Steve does so and gasps.

 

“I don’t know how.  I decided not to question it too much.  I mean I was going to just get you yours back.  I mean I figured you ought to get to have them.  Stan, the security guard at the Smithsonian, said they had mine.  I don’t remember much about the day of the fall.  I mean I don’t know maybe I wasn’t wearing them.  I did have the wool coat on.  Maybe the way they sat wasn’t going to be comfortable.  Or maybe because of the mission I didn’t wear ‘em.  I had JARVIS confirm they were mine.  I mean I know you can…,” Steve kisses him hard.

 

 “You didn’t wear ‘em.  None of us did.  Phillips insisted.  Said it was too dangerous as it was.  He said he’d send an extraction team in if things went south to get our bodies.  I…. they….. Buck,” Steve goes and just wraps himself around him.

 

“I didn’t do this to upset you.  I just…. The guys used to write their girls they were gonna give them to them.  I had this memory of all of us around a fire before you got there.  Denier and Falsworth asked me if I had anyone back home I wanted to have them.  I said no.  I had to.  I couldn’t say you.  But…I wanted you to have mine.  You’re my guy,” Bucky says kissing him.

 

 “Okay open this,” Steve says handing Bucky one of his gifts when Bucky ends the kiss.

 

 “We really need to stop doing the whole thinking alike thing.”

 

 “I don’t mind it.  So, Sergeant, you willing to wear my tags?”

 

 “To the end of the line,” Bucky says kissing him.

 

 “All right so this one needs a little explaining after you open it,” Bucky says handing Steve his last gift.

 

 Steve opens the box to find a ring.  It’s a silver band and Steve notices it’s got  _sgrjbb4e_  inscribed on the inside.  He looks at Bucky and then the ring a few times.  He tries to speak and can’t.  Bucky leans over and kisses him softly.  He wipes a tear away and goes to take the box from Steve, who refuses to let it go.   He practically tosses Bucky his last gift.  Bucky opens it to find the same ring inside.  His has _I’m with you till the end of the line_  inscribed.

 

 “Mark talked to you?  Or did you get the idea the day you eavesdropped?”  Bucky asks with a chuckle.

 

 “A little of both.  But I didn’t really decide till Saturday night.  I just want you to know I want forever with you.  I’m willing to wait as long as it takes.  I’m not going anywhere.  You’re stuck with me.   I can’t believe we picked out the same rings.”

 

“We didn’t.  I don’t think.  When I was looking at rings yesterday the sales girl didn’t let me really choose one.  Said she knew the perfect one, and gave me this one.”

 

 Steve takes the ring out and slides it onto Bucky’s right hand.  Then kisses him senseless.  Bucky puts Steve's on his and soon they’re wrapped around each other on the couch trading lazy kisses while Christmas music plays in the background. 

 

 “Merry Christmas, Buck,” Steve says when they part.

 

 “Merry Christmas, Stevie,” Bucky says kissing him again.

 

 Steve wakes a little while later, not even realizing he’d fallen asleep, and just beams like an idiot.  This is what he’s wanted for Christmas since he woke up.  Back then he hadn’t really dared to give it much thought.  Then Bucky came home and he let it simmer in the back of his mind.  But there were times he wasn’t sure it was going to happen.  But now, laying here wrapped in Bucky’s arms, he knows everything they went through was worth it.  Steve has what he’s wanted for Christmas since the day he realized he was in love with Bucky Barnes.

 

“Stevie, you all right?”

 

“Fine.  Sorry I woke you.”

 

“You’re doing that loud thinking thing of yours you sure you’re okay?”

 

“Perfect.  I love you.”

 

“Love you too.”  Bucky says sleepily.  Steve smiles slightly and wraps himself a little more around Bucky before letting himself fall back to sleep.

 

 


	60. Chapter Sixty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised here's the next chapter. I am so very sorry this took so long. I've been dealing with a lot personally that got in the way. And it probably hasn't passed.... But this chapter finally worked itself out so here it it. I am posting it completely junbetaed so the mistakes are mine. If it sucks that's on me too. I want to thank Shieldingwinter for helping with the chapter. You're the best.

New Year’s Eve Tony insists they come to his party at the tower.  They leave so that they’re home by midnight.  Tony pretends to be angry but they’re both fairly sure he isn’t really.  At midnight they’re on the roof dancing to the music coming from someone’s window while snow falls and fireworks light up the sky.  Bucky kisses Steve softly before dipping him.  Steve can’t help but throw his head back and laugh.

 

“I love you.”  Bucky says as he pulls Steve to him.

 

“Love you too.”  Steve says beaming.

 

“What?”

 

“I just… last year I was ready to spend another year going through the motions and getting set up on dates I’d rather not go on.  And while there’s some of it I wish I hadn’t had to go through I wouldn’t trade any of it.  You’re home.  You’re healthy.  We’re together.  It’s...”  Steve trails off and kisses Bucky again.

 

“You know you’re a terrible sap in your old age.”

 

“Shut up, jerk.”

 

“Make me, punk.”  Bucky says arching a brow in challenge.

 

Steve reaches down and cups him through his pants.  It has the desired effect.  Bucky gasps in surprise then leans in again and kisses him.  They part and head downstairs.  They barely make it in the door before Bucky has Steve slammed against it.  He kisses him hard.  He kisses down Steve’s neck asking if this is okay.  Steve just moans.  Bucky gets to Steve’s collar and yanks the bowtie off with a tug.  Steve tries to touch Bucky but Bucky wraps his hands in his left and puts them over his head.

 

“We still good?”  Bucky asks reaching down to cup Steve through his pants.

 

“Oh yeah… Buck…. Please.”

 

“Up.”  Steve wraps himself around Bucky kissing him hard.  Bucky manages to get them to the couch before they collapse in a pile of limbs.  Steve laughs into the next kiss and soon they’re laughing too much to do anything else.  Steve doesn’t care.  Bucky doesn’t seem to either.

 

“Well, that killed the mood, Bucky says pecking Steve on the lips.  Steve snuggles in and kisses Bucky’s collar bone.

 

“Hmmm don’t care.  This is good too.”

 

“Sap.  You’re a sap.”

 

“You love me anyway.”

 

“That I do.  You tired?”

 

“Wanna stay here.  I’m cold.”  Steve says wrapping himself around Bucky more.

 

“Sure you are pal.”  Bucky says kissing his temple.  He grabs the throw off the back of the couch and wraps it around them anyway.

 

Steve wakes a bit later to Bucky mumbling in his sleep.  It’s English and he can make out a few things.  It sounds to Steve like he’s giving a mission report.  He reaches up and runs his hand through Bucky’s hair to soothe him.

 

“You’re safe.  I’ve got you.  I love you.”  Steve says, dropping a kiss to his chest.

 

“Stevie.”  Bucky says sleepily.  He shakes his head slightly then shifts them so he’s wrapping himself around Steve.

 

“Right here handsome”

 

“What time is it?”

 

“Around three.  Go back to sleep.  I’ll stay.”

 

“Can’t.  Steve.”

 

“What do you need?”

 

“Cuddles.  Lots of cuddles.”

 

“Well then let’s go to bed.”  Steve says getting up and pulling Bucky with him.

 

They get to bed and Steve pulls Bucky in close.  He makes patterns on Steve’s chest with his left hand and Steve thinks he might have fallen back to sleep until he leans up for a kiss.  Soon things are heated and Steve expects Bucky to pull back.  He doesn’t, until they’re both sated wrapped around each other again.

 

“Wow.”  Steve says kissing the top of his head.

 

“Yeah.”  Bucky says with a yawn.  He snuggles in and is soon asleep.

 

Steve wakes again to the smell of coffee under his nose.  He opens his eyes to find Bucky sitting up reading off the tablet in one hand and coffee in the other.  Steve shifts slightly then takes the cup from his hand for a sip.  Bucky smiles and leans over for a kiss. To Steve’s surprise he’s fully dressed.

 

“Morning.”  Steve says when they part.

 

“Morning.”  Bucky says, but Steve can tell he’s not really paying much attention.

 

“Anything exciting?”  Steve asks indicating the tablet.

 

“Oh you could say that.”  Bucky says turning so Steve can see what he was so focused on.

 

“Shit.  This is not good.”

 

“Stevie, there’s not good and then there’s this.  I tried to call them this morning.  Do you want to know who answered?”

 

“When you say it like that I’m almost afraid to ask.”

 

“One of the backup programs.”

 

“Wait, neither one of them answered?”

 

“No.  Hell, JARVIS didn’t even answer.  I would have woken you but…”

 

“It’s all right.  Look call in.  Tell them we’re on the way.  I’m going to go shower quick.”  Steve makes it as far as getting out of bed before he turns back to face Bucky.

 

“Hold on.  How did the press get a hold of this already?  Pepper would have tried to contain it.”

 

“Oh that’s the best part, HYDRA is claiming full responsibility.  They’re going to use Stark Tech to get me back.”  Bucky says, his voice dripping with anger and sarcasm.

 

“Buck….”

 

“Go shower.  I’ll check in.  Steve it’s going to be fine.”  Bucky says with what he hopes is a reassuring smile.

 

Steve and Bucky enter the tower an hour later.  By the time they reach the common room they’ve been fully briefed.  Steve is surprised to find the President on one of the large screens meeting with Tony.  He nods to them both and takes a seat.  Bucky opts to stand behind the couch left hand resting lightly on Steve’s shoulder.

 

“As I was saying Mr. President I’ve stemmed the flow of information out of Stark Industries.”

 

“While I’m glad to hear it Mr. Stark; I’m more interested in what it is HYDRA is claiming they have.  They’re claiming they have a way to get rid of Captain America all together.  They’re also claiming they got it from you.”

 

“All right look, this isn’t something I’m proud of, but well I’ve always been a bit of a paranoid jackass.  Anyway, when they found Capsicle no one really knew what he was going to be like once they unthawed him.  I mean seventy years in the ice, didn’t mean he was going to wake up well adjusted.  I figured there better be a way to stop him. Please keep in mind this was before all the business with Loki.  I expected to get a call of SHIELD requesting something to stop Captain America.  When Coulson showed up to tell me about the Tesseract I thought for sure he was there about stopping Cap.”

 

“What did you do Mr. Stark?”  The President asks angrily before Bruce, Steve or Bucky can.

 

“I created a bullet.  You shoot it at Cap it takes away his super strength.  It basically makes him a ninety-five-pound weakling without giving him any of sicknesses he had.  He’d still look the same.  But he would barely be able to lift the shield; much less use it to defend himself.”

 

“While I can understand your feeling the need to create it.  Why didn’t you destroy it after the Battle of New York?”  Pepper asks.

 

“I forgot about it.”

 

“You forgot about it?  You forgot about it?  How the hell do you forget about something as dangerous as that?”  Bruce seethes.  Steve watches as Tony takes a step back, which Steve’s pretty sure means Bruce’s eyes flashed.

 

“Everyone calm down.”  Steve all but demands.  He glares at Tony and then speaks calmly.  He notices Bucky move closer to him.

 

“To say I’m disappointed would be an understatement.  To say I expected any less from you would be a lie.  Do I understand it?  Given what you said to me on the helicarrier when we met, I do.  Get it back, Stark.”  Steve then turns on his heel and leaves.  He waits for Bucky and smiles slightly when all Bucky does is glare.

 

Once they’re alone in the elevator Steve lets his anger out.  He punches a hole into the wall.  He storms into their apartment and grabs the duffle out of the closet.  He then starts throwing everything he can get his hands on into it.  Bucky just stands by the door leaning against the jamb.   Steve’s got one duffle full, and is heading to the closet for another one, before his shoulders sag. That’s when Bucky moves.  He goes to him and wraps himself around him from behind.

 

“Stevie.”

 

“Take me home Buck.  I can’t be here another second.”  Steve says hanging his head.

 

“Come on.”  Bucky says leading him out of the elevator.  This time he doesn’t bother apologizing to JARVIS for the holes.

 

They get home and Steve goes into the bedroom slamming the door behind him.  Bucky tries to follow but it’s locked.  _Okay, I can do this.  I can slide down here and wait this out.  He’s done it for me._   Bucky isn’t sure how long he sits on the opposite side of the door, but eventually he hears the lock click and feels the door open slightly.  Steve peers down at him sheepishly.

 

“We might need new pillows and um a mattress.  I might have um…”  Steve trails off.

 

  Bucky just takes him into his arms and surveys the damage.  About the only thing left of the bed in one piece is the frame.  He’s even destroyed the headboard.  Bucky shifts so he can take a look at Steve’s hands.  Steve for his part looks like he used to when he’d fall and break something Bucky was going to have to work extra shifts to replace.

 

“Stevie, look at me.”  Steve does and what Bucky sees makes his heart break a little.

 

“Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.”  Bucky says leading him into the bathroom.  There’s more he wants to say but now’s not the time.

 

“Sorry about…”  Steve starts but doesn’t finish.  Instead he tries to hide himself in Bucky.

 

“I…”   Bucky kisses him softly then sets about cleaning up the cuts on his hands.

 

“We’re going to go cuddle on the couch.  You’re going to get some rest and then later I’ll make us dinner.  Don’t worry about anything, Stevie.  I got this.”  Bucky knows this is a variation of what he used to tell him.  Knows he’s not got it perfectly right, but it seems to settle Steve all the same.

 

“I destroyed the bedroom.  I tore the shelf down… the pict…”  Bucky tips his head up and kisses him. 

 

“Stevie, sh.  I’ll take care of it.  Just relax.”

 

“I can’t.  I’m too angry. I still want to hit something.  I’m Captain fucking America.  I am not some….”  Steve cuts himself off.

 

“You’re not some brainwashed HYDRA assassin sent to kill Tony’s parents is the sentence I believe you’re looking for.”  Bucky says calmly.

 

“Bucky.”  Steve says quietly. 

 

“It’s okay.  I get what you’re going for here.  Look, on some level I can get it.  I mean Tony’s just got the suit.  Fury put him on the team with a Russian assassin who could have him neutralized before he even realized what happened.  An expert marksman who could do the same.  Then there’s Bruce who at the time he had no idea what the triggers were.  And finally there’s you.  Who for all intents and purposes had just come out of fighting World War Two.  Plus, he probably saw you as more of a threat because Howard cared more about finding you then he apparently did being a father.  Am I saying that what Tony did is okay.  Hell no.  Do I want to kick the crap out of him for it?  You better fucking believe it.  But then I’ve always wanted to kick the crap out of anyone who messes with you so I might be slightly biased.  Look, he couldn’t figure out a way to take out Natasha or Clint.  Bruce made sure no one knew enough other than not to piss him off.  But you there were files he could get his hands on.  You were the obvious choice to start with.”

 

“I get that.  I do.  But why not destroy it after New York?  I don’t buy that he forgot about it.  Not for one second.”

 

“I don’t either; not really.  But I don’t think he’s going to ever admit to any of us why he kept it.  What do you need?”  Bucky asks when Steve spends five minutes shifting to get comfortable.

 

“For you to have not fallen off….”  Steve gets up and starts to pace.

 

“I wish they’d never….”  Steve sighs and heads for the door.

 

“Stevie?”

 

“I’m going to go for a run.  I’ll be back.  Go ahead and eat without me.”

 

“I know this doesn’t help, but I love you.”  Bucky says.

 

Steve doesn’t say anything just leaves.  Bucky waits fifteen minutes then calls Sam to let him know what’s happened.  Sam tells him he already knows because Tony called and told him.  Asked him for advice on what to do.  When Bucky asks what Sam said his response makes Bucky laugh harder than it probably should.

 

“You seriously told him to fuck off?”

 

“I did.  Don’t sound so surprised.  I’ve known Steve longer.  How is Cap by the way.”

 

“We need new bedroom furniture.  I’m going to need to get new picture frames for the pictures.  It’s bad Sam.  Really bad.  I’m actually worried.  This isn’t something I can fix.  I don’t know how to help him either.”

 

“I’m going to tell you the same thing I was telling him while you were going through your stuff over the summer.  Just let him know he can lean on you if he needs to. I’ve got to run.  I’ve got a group coming in.  Have him call me later if he wants.”

 

“Thanks Sam.”  Bucky hangs up and tries to keep busy.  When he realizes Steve’s been gone for over two hours he grabs his coat and heads out. 

 

He gets outside and finds Steve turning the corner back onto their block.  Steve runs up to him and pulls him in for a kiss.  Bucky immediately takes his coat off and wraps it around him.  Steve arches a brow but then cuddles in for another kiss.

 

“It’s freezing out here.  Let’s get you inside.  You’re….  Okay maybe you won’t get sick, but let’s not chance it anyway.”  Bucky says as they go in.

 

“I called Sam.”  Bucky says once they’re inside.

 

“Of course you did.”  Steve says angrily then immediately apologizes.

 

“C’mere punk.  You can take this out on me all you need to.  Lord knows I did it to you all summer.”  Bucky says taking Steve’s hands in his.

 

“I get it now you know; when you said you’d be so angry you couldn’t see straight.  I called the President.  I resigned from the Avengers.  I told him that I’d go to Wakanda still, but that unless he sent me on missions with you I’d prefer to go solo.”

 

“Steve.”

 

“What?  They all knew.  They have to have all known.  Even Nat.”  Steve says sounding angry and defeated at the same time.  He starts pacing again.

 

“We don’t know what was said after.  And given Pepper and Bruce’s reactions I’m fairly certain they didn’t know.  I’m willing to give you Natalia and Clint; given what Tony said about SHIELD.  But I don’t think Bruce knew.”

 

  “What did Sam say when you told him?”  Steve asks.

 

“He knew because Tony called asking for his advice.  He didn’t give him any.  Hung up on him after telling him to fuck off.  So he could be your back up.  I’d be okay with that.  I don’t want you go off on your own.  And I doubt Thor knew anything.  He’s been in Asgard for too long.”

 

“Fine I’ll amend it you and Sam.  Otherwise I go alone.  I want nothing to do with them.”  Steve says. 

 

“All right.  Come here.  Come cuddle with me on the couch.”  Bucky doesn’t really want to let this go, but the tone in Steve’s voice has him changing the subject.

 

“I don’t….  Bucky.” 

 

“Stevie, what can I do?  I can’t fix it this time.  I don’t know how.  I mean yeah I could go kick Tony’s ass but it’s not going to really make it better.”

 

“I can’t stay here.  I…”

 

“You want to go somewhere?  Take a trip somewhere?  We can do that.  Your show’s not till the end of the month and you’ve got everything ready for it.  We just text Mark tell him we’ll be back a week before.  Go somewhere just us.  We can tell the President if you want.  That way if they need us to go to Wakanda we can.”  Steve shakes his head.

 

“You’re so angry you can’t put it into words can you?  You want to sleep but you know your brain isn’t going to shut long enough for you to be able to.  What you really want is sex, and lots of it, but there’s the whole broken bed issue.  But if you go into the bedroom you’ll see I’ve taken care of it, at least for tonight.”  Steve blushes slightly then heads for the bedroom.

 

“You… Buck, I wasn’t gone that long.  With the exception of the mattress being on the floor you’d have no idea anything happened in here.  How did you do all of this?”

 

“You were gone two hours.  I had a little help.  Walls aren’t _that_ thick.  You thrashing the furniture and tearing stuff off the walls, well Abbi could hear.  She called Jaime told her and Vicki to run to Target get us new frames and a new shelf.  I ordered a new bed from Ikea should be here tomorrow or the next day at the latest.  See told you I’d take care of everything.  Now let me to do the most important part of that and take care of you.”  Bucky finishes with a long sensuous kiss.

 

“Can you just hold me like you used to after…. Mom.”

 

“Oh Stevie, you don’t even have to ask.  Come here….”

 

“Buck?”

 

“Sorry.  I keep having a flash of calling you something other than snuggle pup but I can’t hear it.  And I don’t want you to tell me because I _want_ to remember it on my own.”

 

“Okay.  If you change your mind I’m willing to.”  Steve says curling into him.

 

Steve sleeps but it’s fitful.  He gives up around midnight and eases off the mattress.  He grabs one of his sketchbooks and goes out onto the couch.  He sketches but ends up throwing the book down onto the couch and pacing.  For not the first time he wonders if this is what it was like for Bucky.

 

“Bit worse, at least it’s just you in your own head and not what feels like three versions of you.”

 

“Shit.”  Steve says.

 

“Don’t apologize.  You ain’t got nothin’ to apologize for.  Well except not staying in bed with me.”

 

“Can’t sleep.  You go on back to bed.  I’m just gonna sit out here for a while.”

 

“C’mere… you hated it.  I used to… call you baby doll and you hated it.  Why didn’t you ever say?” Bucky says going and sitting on the opposite end of the couch.

 

“Because I loved you.  And it was only ever when you were trying to get me into bed so I’d be warm.  Otherwise it was snuggle-pup or jerk.  Buck it’s fine.”

 

“I used to call the dames that.  It wasn’t **_fine._**   God I was such an asshole why did you put up with me?”  Bucky says getting angry with himself.

 

“Same reason you put up with me, I was stupid in love with you.  Still am.”  Steve says with a chuckle, resting his head on Bucky’s shoulder.

 

“Well, I promise not to use it now.  I’ll just come up with something new.”

 

“You don’t have to.  Honest.  I’m good with Stevie, you know only you and Ma did that.  So really it’s good.”  Steve says feeling the coil of anger start to untangle itself with each stroke of Bucky’s hand through his hair.

 

“You sure you’re not mad about the whole baby doll thing?”  Bucky says as Steve gets up and manhandles Bucky into different position.

 

“Not anymore no.”  Steve says with a soft chuckle, moving so he’s between Bucky’s legs.

 

“Buck, I’m sorry about tonight.”  Steve says once he’s snuggled in and Bucky’s resumed running his fingers through his hair.

 

“Stevie, you really don’t need to apologize.  I get it I do.  And it’s not like I wasn’t doing the same thing all summer.”

 

Steve turns and kisses him.  They trade lazy kisses until Steve pulls away and cuddles into Bucky.  He lets out a contented sigh then settles down into the couch more.  Finally, ready to let sleep claim him for the night.

 


	61. Chapter Sixty one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been forever and a day. I have no excuse other than the muses wanted shorter things written. 
> 
> Spoilers in this chapter for Civil War gang. Major ones. And I'm sorry about that. But there are feels I want to work out and I can't do fix it fics (I tried they were hideous.) So instead I'm going to deal with my feels in the confines of this. However, the fic isn't Age of Ultron compliant or Civil War compliant. But hey the Russos have yet again added wonderful things to the sandbox for me to play with.
> 
> Also, this is a short chapter to bring us back into the action. It's also unbetaed. I've read it through a few times but if you catch anything let me know so I can fix it, please. I'd say happy reading but there's nothing happy about this chapter really.

Steve wakes with a crick in his neck and Bucky still running his fingers through his hair.  He looks up to find Bucky sleeping.  He kisses his chest and snuggles in more.  Steve’s almost back to sleep when his phone rings.  He grabs it off the table to check who it is. 

 

“What?”  Steve asks in an angry whisper.

 

“I need to see you at the tower, alone.  It’s about Bucky.”  Steve looks over and sees Bucky is still asleep.  He kisses Bucky softly on the cheek and gets off the couch.

 

“I’ll be there as soon as I can.”  Steve says.  He hangs up before Tony can say anymore. 

 

Forty-five minutes later Steve is standing in the common room of the tower, arms folded glaring at Tony.  Tony tries to offer him coffee, he refuses.  Tony then goes right into apology mode.  Steve arches a brow.

 

“Let me guess you used Bucky to get me over here.”

 

“No.  I wouldn’t… okay I would but I didn’t.  There was a box left to go through.  It wasn’t anywhere near as large as the other ones so we had decided to leave it till the end.  Pepper went through it earlier.  This was inside.  Steve it’s bad.  Really bad.”  Tony says handing him a maroon leather journal with a black star on it.

 

“You couldn’t have sent Nat or Sam?”  Steve says angrily.

 

“Nat took off the other day.  None of them are talking to me… not after they found out you resigned.  Bruce won’t come back unless you do.  I’m guessing there’s no chance of that.”

 

“Not a chance in hell.  If you’ll excuse me I’ve got things to do.”

 

“I wasn’t going to use it.  You have to know that.”

 

“What I know is someone I thought I could trust has something that could put me in danger at their disposal.  What I know is someone I thought I could trust has no way to test said something because I’m the only one who got Dr. Erskine’s serum.  What that means is _someone I thought I could trust_ could quite possibly have created something that could kill me.  So you’ll forgive me Tony if I don’t believe for a second that you wouldn’t use it.”  Steve turns on his heel and leaves.

 

When he gets back to Brooklyn Bucky’s coming out of Mark and Greg’s.  He walks up to Steve and kisses him softly.  Then leads him into the building.  They get to the apartment before Bucky asks what Tony wanted.  He can tell Steve’s pissed all over again.

 

“He gave me this.”  Steve says pulling the journal from his jacket.  Bucky goes pale at the sight of it.

 

“Buck?”

 

“Where did you?  It can’t be…. There’s no way….  Steve….”  Bucky says dropping to the floor and curling in on himself.

 

“I got it from Tony.  It was in one of the boxes.  What is it Buck?”

 

“Oh God.  No.  Not again.  Never….  I won’t….  It’s not….”  Then he goes silent. 

 

Steve doesn’t know what to do.  This isn’t like a normal episode.  He gets up and tosses the book into his gym bag in the closet in the hall, all the while keeping his eyes on Bucky.  He notices Bucky’s started rocking back and forth so he grabs the throw and gets behind him. 

 

“I’ve got you.  I love you.  You’re safe.  Buck, I swear to you, you’re safe.”  Bucky whimpers and clings to Steve.

 

“Do you want to go to bed?’  Steve asks running his fingers through his hair.  Bucky nods slightly.

 

Steve isn’t sure how they manage to make it to bed, considering the new one isn’t arriving for another day or so.  He’s not sure how soon it is after they do that Bucky falls asleep.  He wakes throughout the night screaming.  And then he just clings and cries himself to sleep.   When the sun streams into the windows Steve shifts to get up and close the blinds.  Bucky’s finally sleeping without waking, even if it’s only been about an hour.  He wants him to be able to get as much as he can.  Bucky, though, wakes as soon as Steve moves.

 

“Handsome, let me up for a second.  I’m just going to close the blinds.”  Bucky nods and shifts to Steve’s side of the bed wrapping himself around Steve’s pillow before going back to sleep.

 

Steve stands and watches him sleep for a second.  He looks like he did all those years ago before the war.  Before everything went to hell.  Steve wants him to have that again, he realizes.  He wants Bucky to be able to be carefree.  He turns on his heel with that thought in mind.

 

“Stevie?”  Bucky says quietly from the mattress.  He sounds small, like he does every time something like this happens.  Steve hates it.

 

“Right here, Buck.”  There must be something in his tone because Bucky’s gone on full alert suddenly.

 

“Are you…. Did I…?  Come back to bed Steve, let me sleep a little more.  I’ll be all right.”  He says suddenly serious.  Steve does as he asks.  Bucky curls back into him and surprisingly it soothes him.

 

“I love you.”  Bucky says kissing him.

 

“Love you too.”

 

“Before the electro shocks they had to do it another way.  You know I couldn’t even tell you why they switched; what mad the old way stop working.  I don’t know maybe it didn’t.  Maybe they just got more jollies hurting me on top of everything else.  The book… it’s ways to put me back under.  Von Strucker has one.  I thought…. You said it was in one of the boxes?”

 

“Yeah.  It was smaller than the rest so they’d stuck it at the end.  Pepper opened it.   Found the book.  Tony called me.  Everyone else left.” 

 

“Steve I hate to say this.  You have no idea how much I hate to say this.  But if Von Strucker’s got a copy then there’s a chance there are more out there.  I can’t risk it.  I want…”  Steve kisses him before he can finish.

 

“I’m not giving up on you.  We’ll figure this out.”

 

“Steve, the bullet got stolen.  There’s another copy of the book.  Don’t you see.  They can take you out then make me the Winter Soldier again.  You won’t be there to pull me out of it.  I am not going to risk everyone I’ve come to care about.  I’m not going to do it.”  Bucky says firmly _._

 

Steve knows he shouldn’t argue.  Knows he should just let Bucky say what he wants. He just can’t stand what he knows is coming.  They’ve come so far.  Bucky’s home.  They’re together.  They’re finally getting to live the life they’ve always dreamed of having.  He looks at Bucky and knows he’s going to hate the answer to the question he’s about to ask.

 

“What do you want to do?”

 

“We go to Stark.  We have him put me in cryrofreeze until you can find the second book and the bullet.  Then you get me out.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to thank you all for your continued support. All the kudos and everything mean a lot. I'm probably going to be doing more one shots in the future. They seem to help. 
> 
> If you guys want to find me on tumblr I'm here: www.tumblr.com/blog/punkandjerkmeaniloveyou


	62. Chapter Sixty Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Civil War Spoilers sort of but want to mention to be safe. Hope you all enjoy. Unbetaed so mistakes are mine.

Steve stares at Bucky for what seems like hours.  He doesn’t know what to say.  He just knows he hates the idea.  Hates it with everything he is.  And yet he knows Bucky is right.  But there’s no way he’s going to Stark with this.  He doesn’t trust Tony as far as he can throw him at the moment.    He takes a couple of deep breaths then speaks.

 

“Not Stark.  We find someone else.  I don’t… Not Stark.  I’m not budging on it Buck.  I’ll let you do this, even if I hate it.  But not if Tony’s involved.”  Steve says with a determination that reminds Bucky of the days of alley fights.

 

“Then who do you suggest?”  Bucky asks. 

 

“I don’t know.”  Steve says quietly.

 

“Stevie, I love you.  You know that.  But I have to do this.  I’m not doin’ it to hurt ya.  I’m… I’m doing it to protect you.  To protect everyone in the neighborhood.  If I thought for a second, there was another way…. Stevie, please don’t be angry with me.  I couldn’t stand it.”

 

“Oh, Bucky.  I’m not angry with you.  I’m angry at this entire situation.  I’m beyond angry with Tony.  And I hate that I can’t protect you.  I hate that cryo is the only answer. We’ve finally gotten the life we wanted.  You deserve to be happy.”

 

“So do you.”  Bucky says quietly, pulling him in for a kiss.

 

“Let me ask around.  But I don’t want to ask Tony.  Buck, just give me a little time.”  Steve says once they part.

 

“All right.  Steve, you’re all tense.  Roll over.  Come on, onto your stomach.”

 

“I’m fine.”  Steve says getting out of bed.

 

He makes it as far as Bucky’s side of the mattress.  Bucky reaches out and pulls him back in.  Steve struggles to get up again.  Bucky just pins him where he is with his body.  Steve continues to struggle for a few more minutes and then he just grabs onto Bucky and holds on for dear life.

 

“I don’t want to do this.  I don’t want you to have to do this.”  Steve says quietly into Bucky’s neck.

 

“I know.  I don’t want to do it either.  But it’s the only way.  Now what do you say we get up and I make you something to eat.”

 

“Don’t wanna to move.”  Steve says tightening his hold.

 

“All right.”  Bucky says kissing the top of his head.

 

Steve snuggles in more and kisses Bucky’s shoulder.  He falls back to sleep and Bucky eases himself off the mattress.  He grabs his tablet and starts looking into cryrofreeze labs.  They all make him cringe.  They’re too close to the HYDRA facilities.  He shoots Phil an email explaining what’s going on.  Phil gets back to him almost instantly.  He tells him to contact a guy named Hank Pym.  While his work isn’t in cryogenics he might know someone who can help.

 

Bucky sends Bruce an email and asks his thoughts.  He honestly doesn’t expect a response; sure Bruce has gone off to some jungle.  But he gets one ten minutes after he sends it.  Bruce wonders if he’s positive this is for the best.  He also says Pym is someone they can trust.  He mentions that he’s not a fan of Tony’s or Howard’s.  Bucky writes back telling him that yes he does think this is the right decision.  On Pym Bucky says that will make Steve happy.

 

Bucky starts to research Pym, wanting to know for himself that he can be trusted.  Most of what he finds is years old, decades even.  But then Pym starts to show up again.  What Bucky finds most encouraging is that Pym successfully staved off HYDRA not once, but numerous times.  He locates a number and puts it into his phone.  It’s Sunday and Bucky’s not one for discussing business not during business hours.  Besides, he already told Steve he’s not going to rush things.

 

“Buck?”  Steve says shuffling into the living room.

 

“Hey, punk.  Feeling better?” 

 

“A little.  You didn’t have to let me sleep.”

 

“You needed it.  Come here for a second.”  Bucky says holding out a hand to him.

 

“What’s up?”  Steve says moving so he’s in between Bucky’s legs.  The tablet is in front of them so they both can look at it.

 

“What’s all this?”  Steve asks.

 

“Well I started researching.  I know I said I’d give you time.  I still intend to.  But I wanted to be sure this was what I wanted.  I talked to Bruce and Phil.  They suggested I talk to this guy.”

 

“But his work isn’t in… you want to talk to him don’t you?”  Steve says once he’s finished reading the article Bucky’s pulled up.

 

“I do.  I’m going to call him tomorrow.  Bruce says he’s not a fan of the Starks.  I figure that at least gets him a call.  What?”  Bucky asks at the look on Steve’s face.

 

“Nothing.  I just love you.”  Steve says shifting to kiss him.

 

“You’re going to be doing that a lot aren’t you?  Being a sap I mean.”  Bucky says teasing.

 

“I am.”

 

Bucky sets the tablet aside and turns on the TV. He grabs the Blu-ray remote next and hits play.  Steve just smiles as the opening credits to _Snow White and the Seven Dwarves_ start to play.  Steve shifts again so he’s lying on top of Bucky and settles in.  They go through Disney movies for as long as they can, alternating between Netflix and their Blu-ray collection.  As far as Steve is concerned it’s the perfect way to spend a Sunday. 

 


	63. Chapter Sixty Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is gang. The next chapter. Hope you all enjoy.

Steve shifts to check on Bucky just as they’re starting Mary Poppins. He smiles at the fact that Bucky is snoring softly. He kisses his hand then maneuvers himself off the couch, making sure to not wake Bucky. He grabs his cellphone and keys then leaves a note on the coffee table. Then he’s out the door. 

He calls Phil as soon as he’s on the subway headed into Manhattan. When he reaches the city he heads towards the UN and the Wakandan embassy. He’s not sure about this, if he’s perfectly honest he feels like he’s going behind Bucky’s back. He makes his way to the building and the guard at the door stops him. He explains that the king will be arriving in little over an hour and therefore unless he’s got an appointment he can’t go inside. Steve thanks the man for his time and heads for home. 

“Buck?” Steve calls as he comes in. 

“Bedroom. Bed’s coming tomorrow. I’m trying to clear things out a bit. Where’d you run off to?” Bucky asks, stopping briefly to kiss Steve.

“I called Phil. I had a thought. Wakanda is one of the most scientifically advanced countries in the world. I had hoped to talk to someone. But apparently T’challa is in New York. Arrived today. I’m going to have to make an appointment. I’ll call the President tomorrow. See if he can’t get me a meeting. What?”

“Nothing. Just… You don’t want me to do this, and yet you’re willing to meet with fucking royalty to see what they can do. You’re willing to let me travel more than half way around the world because I think it’s for the best. I… I can’t even tell you what that means to me.” Bucky says pulling Steve in for a fierce kiss.

“Buck.” Steve says breathlessly when they part.

“I love you.” Bucky says running his hands up and down Steve’s arms.

“Love you too. I’m not making any promises., but I think we should at least give it a shot. I know it’s far away. But maybe that’s for the best.”

“Maybe.” Bucky says quietly.

“Hey. We’ll figure this out. Don’t have…” Steve cuts himself off at the sound of his cell phone.

“Hello. Yes, this is he. Of course I’ll hold.”

“Mr. President. Yes, I’m aware his highness is here. Of course. Make the arrangements. I can come…. Of course, I’m sure Bucky would love to come. I’ll make sure he doesn’t. I’ll be waiting for your call.”

“Let me guess you just managed to get us a invite to a State dinner for the King of Wakanda.”

“Might have, yeah. Thursday night. I’ll have to call Mark and tell him we’re going to have to set up the gallery a little later on Friday.”

“Yeah.” Bucky says quietly. 

“Bucky, what’s wrong?”

“I’m just havin’ second thoughts. I mean I know it’s for the best. And when it was just an idea you had to talk to T’challa I was all for it. But… Stevie, Wakanda’s so far away. It was why I suggested Stark. At least I’d still be in New York.”

Steve doesn’t say anything. Just takes Bucky over to the chair then sits and pulls him into his lap. It makes Steve chuckle. Bucky gives him a look, so Steve explains this reminds him of before. Only it was him in Bucky’s lap. Bucky kisses him softly then rests his head on Steve’s shoulder.

They sit like that for a while. Every now and then one of them will play with the hair at the nape of their necks but otherwise they sit holding each other. Bucky gets a memory and looks at Steve surprised. 

“What?”

“Chair used to be in the corner by the window, cause you liked to be able to sit in my lap and star gaze before we went to sleep. And if you couldn’t sleep I’d find you curled up in it wearing my shirt the next morning. I’d get home late from the docks, or a date some nights and find you drawing. Always said you didn’t want to go to sleep alone. And when you were sick we’d sit like this till you were relaxed enough to rest.” Bucky says smiling.

“Yeah.” Steve says kissing his temple.

“We should move it later.” 

“If you want.”

“I think I do. Okay why are the happy memories wiping me out.” Bucky says with a yawn.

“You can sleep if you want. I don’t mind.”

“You’ll get a crick in your neck. Besides we need to eat something.” Bucky says, though he snuggles in as he says it.

“How about I give you five minutes.”

Steve looks down to find Bucky already asleep. He shifts slightly to settle Bucky a bit more then runs his fingers through Bucky’s hair, humming as he does so. He kisses Bucky’s temple every now and then and shifts again to stretch his legs out. Bucky doesn’t wake. He knows Bucky’s right about the eating thing so he grabs his cell off the stand and places a quick order. He’ll wake Bucky when the food arrives. For now, he’s content to just sit with Bucky like they used to.


End file.
